Wishing for a better day...

Marriage is like...hard and stuff...

foreverred — Thu, 28 Jan 2016 07:10:05 GMT

So...I love Sam...let's just get that out of the way. And truly, our marriage is fine. We have a strong foundation of trust and friendship. He is a good man...and excellent father and makes me laugh. I know in my heart, we are meant to be together forever.

That being said...being married to Sam is fucking hard fucking work.

Sam finally got a for reals big-boy full-time job. We've been married for 6+ years and finally...he has a job that is equal to mine. He worked hard to get to this point too...got a master's degree and worked as a substitute till an opening came up and was hired full-time at a middle school. I cannot describe to you the elation and relief when he got the job. Finally, after all these years...I'm not carrying the brunt of the breadwinning. Finally, I can relax a little and think of options. We are double-covered for insurance! That's such a luxury this day and age.

I've always dreamt of having a house-cleaner (Sam and I are slobs) and it might actually happen. We bought new kitchen appliances. We could start doing some serious work upgrading this place so that we could move out and maybe get something bigger...with a yard. I was so proud of him...

But Sam managed to fuck it all up.

I noticed he wasn't really taking the teaching-gig seriously. He was planning the night before. Throwing things together with little regard to standards. He was overwhelmed and overly emotional. He would go through boxes of pens from breaking them dealing with the kids. He wasn't doing well.

I noticed...and so did his boss.

Sam was written up at work...and put on a performance plan. He could lose his job if he doesn't improve. He could get fired. Then everything he worked for....everything I waited for...gone.

When he told me...I was both furious at and sad for Sam. I've been written up and I know how it feels to fuck up and sign a paper that says "you could get fired." Its scary as hell. But I was also mad at Sam for not taking things seriously and being so damned irresponsible. What was he thinking?

I called him out on it. Told him that he was dicking around and only put in 60% when he needed to be doing 100%. I pointed out to him what he had been doing wrong and that now our financial livelihood was on the line.

Then he made some comment like, "Can we stop the 'ragging on Sam' conversation." I told him that he asked for my input and I gave it to him. That he wasn't a victim and I wasn't a bully. I told him if he wanted to stop talking to just say that and not make it out that he's a poor put upon man.

I cried. I cried because I was simply being honest with him. If he knew how much I was holding myself back. If he knew I wanted to scream and cuss and tell him what a fucking lazy fucktard he was...he'd be crushed.

He apologized. We strategized. I would go in on a Saturday and help get his classroom in order (something that should have been done months ago) and I'd help him stay on track.

Since then, its been a team effort. Everyone is helping out in their own way. His father watches Lily so Sam and I can work in the classroom...his mother talks to her teacher friends for advice. I clean and organize...I reassure...I review and coach. I call him on the carpet...I am his executive functioning.

His classroom was disorganized...filthy...full of junk and trash. I was shocked and upset that he'd waited so long. I spent hours on pinterest looking up classroom management strategy, lesson plans, organization for classrooms. I sent them to Sam. I bought him lesson plans so that he wouldn't have to re-invent the wheel. Once a week, I meet him at his classroom and bring dinner. Lily, Sam and I eat in the classroom and while Lily watches videos on my phone we do work on the room. Re-papering his boards, putting up new posters and kids work.

I sit with him on Sunday nights because it keeps him focused. The good news is that I am also able to catch up on work from home. I review the core standards and modules and discuss how to ensure he is meeting the standards. We design lesson plans together. I read his teacher's edition book so that we can discuss it and flush out ideas.

He calls me to tell me he had a stressful interaction with his boss and I have a panic attack. He beats himself up...he has no confidence...he cries.

I finally talk to him about medication for ADHD. He is unmoved.

I finally sit next to him a week later and begin to beg and cry. His pride is not more important than our family. Not more important that our daughter's education. Is it more important that me? Our happiness? Our home?

I cried and cried. I've watched him struggle and dick around and fuck up and throw our shared dreams aside. And finally, he agrees to an assessment but not to medication. It is a small victory.

A few days later I cry again. I beg him please don't screw up...please do a good job...please don't throw this away. He cries too.

It was a terrible week. Lots of anxiety and stress. But never any fighting. I never let my resentment or disappointment show. I just get tired sometimes. I just can't smile and cheer from the sidelines all the time.

I can't be his ego and his executive functioning.

He told me the other day that he thinks he needs to see a counselor. That he thinks thoughts that are dark like maybe we'd be better off without him. I have another panic attack. I barely focus during my sessions with my clients. I just think of Sam and how low its gotten.

We talk. We strategize. We have a plan. He'll call the counselor.

The deadline for his plan of improvement is approaching. His anxiety and terror are running high. I volunteer to clean his room again. I volunteer to review his lesson plans. Can I type something up for him? Can I help more?

He acknowledges that I do 1/3 of his work for him. That he appreciates me.

And I think...I am a good wife.

We have a good marriage. We are a team. I want to be mad at him but we have no time for that. We still laugh and joke. We still say I love you at the end of the calls.

I realize that no matter what happens...I'll still be married to Sam. That whatever happens we'll have to deal with it because we are married...for the rest of our lives we are together. So if he succeeds...we celebrate...if he fails...we pick-up the pieces and create another plan and we move on.

I want to talk to my friends about this but they are busy or single. One friend flat out can't stand Sam and doesn't understand how I'm married to him. Both my parents are divorced and terrible at being married.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I just keep trying to be a good wife.

It's my third full-time job. Worker-Mother-Wife.

I think of calling my mother, a born-again christian, and ask her to pray and light a candle.

Then I decide to pray...to what? I have no idea. To the universe. To the powerful force that brought Sam and I together...the powerful nature that sparked life in my womb and sparked it again. I pray to the power that keeps the little heart of my unborn child beating.

Please...please...let us succeed. Please please...I really want a house-cleaner.

Please...I want to be a good wife.

Hello again...

foreverred — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 06:06:50 GMT

I miss LJ...I miss having a social life on here...I miss writing my heart out...I miss having a place to talk openly.

FB is no alternative to LJ.

Miss you LJ...I'm 37, mother of a 3 year old...professional working mother and wife...

And I pine for the days of reading fanfiction, talking about celebrities and making icons till the wee hours of the morning.

Anyway...hi LJ!

Not much time left...

foreverred — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 06:10:38 GMT

I have seven more weeks till my due date...seven more weeks till my whole world turns upside down.

I am huge...like totally boat sized, however, I have gained less than twenty pounds. In fact I lost some weight between my last appointment and today.

If you were wondering...we are having a little girl...her name is Lilly Ryan Dunham.

So far the pregnancy has been uneventful. It's been a pain in the ass but nothing horrible. It is hard to get around only because my pelvis and hips hurt...but that's not unusual.

Sam has been painting the nursery...and my baby shower is in October. I will be taking all three months of maternity leave. My mom is flying up to help during the first month. Dad will be here in December for Xmas.

We bought a house and closed at the end of June. Sam pretty much did all the moving himself. Then he went off to Juneau for six weeks for graduate school. So proud of him! It was hard those six weeks but we got through.

Life is good and I am happy...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

No meds

foreverred — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 04:54:35 GMT

Life off of meds = torture

It really, really sucks.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Rageful Rage!

foreverred — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 16:33:16 GMT

Trying not to kill my husband with laser beams shooting from my eyes at the moment.

If you've listened to my voiceposts...you'll know he works 2 jobs now, and often works 7 days a week. He had one week off substitute teaching already and also has taken days off here and there.

Anyway, he was working last night at his night job (merchandizing for coca-cola) and he calls me to tell me he is getting off work (around 1-1:30am) and that he is going to go visit the "Occupy Anchorage" protestors downtown because he's "curious to see what it is all about.

At 1:30am...he's curious...to see...what...it's all...about...

Even though he is taking Monday off and can easily visit the protestors...during the day.

I'm fighting off a cold and really just wanted to go back to sleep so I said okay and konked out.

He comes home around 4:30am and informs me that his car got towed when he was downtown. Apparently, he found a primo parking spot right next to the protestors and did not see the sign that stated "No parking from 2:30am to 6:00am Oct-May." Why no parking during this time? Snow plows...snow plows need to plow the over a foot of snow on the ground.

Oh yeah, did I mention he decided to do this when there was a foot of snow on the ground and more coming down from the heavens?

So, then he tells me this whole story about the injustice of his car getting towed. And that he needs me to take him to pick it up in the morning. Usually, I wake-up about 1 hour before needing to be at work...and it will take well over an hour to go back and forth to downtown and back to my work...because of the ass ton of snow on the ground and it being rush hour.

And I live 10 minutes from work...great. Of course, I have to say yes because I married him and its my job as a wife.

So then, he goes, "I hope it doesn't cost a lot." Of course it is going to cost a lot...its going to cost hundreds of dollars to get your car released...because you decided to go exploring at 1:30am...

Whatever...I couldn't sleep at all because I was so angry and because the cats were all amped up from him coming home at 4:30am.

Did I mention I'm sick...like really not well but I don't want to not go to work because I don't have much time accrued for leave.

FUUUUUUUUUCK.

Voice Post

foreverred — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:59:58 GMT

pixel_trade Rainbow Legacy: The Trout Family Pt. 2

foreverred — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 03:23:51 GMT

Here is the second part of my pixel_trade Rainbow Challenge.

*All downloads include a bodyshop picture of the sim.

Generation Red

Poppy from the Purple Generation mated with Frank Cretto, who is the child of a pixel_trade genetics experiment. He can be found: HERE

Peach (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/l95qjo66959vccq3p74u
Crush (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/kuvrvsbmpymd1c660qe3
Coral (freckle skintone included): http://www.box.net/shared/2gq5gj6feome5093a2ur
Marigold (freckle skintone included): http://www.box.net/shared/1jlv4gz9cqih865rtzki

Generation Orange

Coral married Octavio by needlecream and he can be found: Here.

Sable (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/zlrt1yy2m3iidkygt0m9
Snow (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/bfe1ye8hley27rz4u8eg
Onyx (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/s2mtyzsssuy45dcfctx4
Coal (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/rx51c5ex0mfkg3ptveid
Raven (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/h1oehs971f8gc0jzpxvm
Pearl (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/m5q6gfa0v8d8vsfk8yj8

Generation Black & White

I couldn't just end it there...I wanted to squeak out one more generation. So, I went with b/w as a theme.

Sable married Jericho by stakeit_uk and he can be found Here.

Mishka (w/ freckle skintone): http://www.box.net/shared/bjg73txvaiizxoz3f0d4
Max (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/02sej8zx38orof4pazs0
Millie (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/fq5k333n9nfx4d2m16by
Mizela (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/cnxue1thzs07g7jcf8d6
Morris (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/i5qs4s46x041fqdjo31f

I'm very happy with how all my beautiful sims have turned out. I especially loved Millie and Mizela from the b/w generation.

Thank you for looking!

pixel_trade Rainbow Legacy: The Trout Family

foreverred — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 13:31:47 GMT

I have completed a Rainbow Legacy made up of pixel_trade sims.

Here are partial results...(more to come later). All downloads include a Bodyshop photo of the packaged sim.

I started with Yellow.

My founder is my sim: Zoey Mink was given a make-over and renamed "Ofira" (Hebrew for Gold).

Her partner was Kermes Kohler-Wielles by bondchick_nett

Download:
Meadow (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/o6v5zf55ote1cvenuuq1
Forrest (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/8edkdcare30d56tu27ge
Fern (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/1f9vd47tl8hf2giilafa

Green Generation:

Meadow partnered with radiationpoison's Carter O'brien

Download:
Meena (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/fu44oon83t4ufcxtc0oh
Indigo (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/7npt3089kf5iqf9esl23
Corocou (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/aafbcz3il3hna5idpd4l
Kai (w/ alien skintone): http://www.box.net/shared/8najne6hbdarltyltfq8

Blue Generation

Indigo partnered with katu_sims Chaucer Tellerbee

Download:
Foxglove (w/ freckled skintone): http://www.box.net/shared/q6a9kh3j2vhxtu320arp
Aubergene (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/qdj766a33np0vmc0m7q5
Lilac (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/qd8zh99jfmam91rvasya

Generation Purple

Lilac partnered first with Warren Golding by pinkberet. He died and she then partnered with Eli made by hjsnapepm.

*sorry about the poor picture quality

Download:
Blaze (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/gicltquj5l3pgh9svuov
Scarlett (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/c1i826f6s8gq4k32zrpr
Robin (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/g6qzrgr2cr79xfdc64c3
Rose (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/xnz5z08qmpe8yc6d9uut
Poppy (no cc): http://www.box.net/shared/g6qzrgr2cr79xfdc64c3

Stay tuned for more!

Well now I feel terrible...

foreverred — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 10:41:47 GMT

So, like a million years ago I agreed to go to my friend Sarah L's bachlorette party.

It was an evite.

Then Sam tells me we are having dinner with his mother the same night and of course family first so I put it in my head that I can't go after all.

Then Sam tells me that the dinner is cancelled.

But by this time, I've put the party out of my mind all together.

Tonight after work, I call my friend Wendy up who I adore but almost never ever see...I mean, I've known her for years but have only hung out with her three times. I totally love this gal...she's amazing. I go to her place and we sit out in the sun and drink sangrias and talk for literally...HOURS.

I go inside to check my purse and there are five hundred texts from friends "Where are you? Why aren't' you at the party? We miss you. Did you forget about us?"

Now I feel like a total bitch for forgetting about the party but I also don't regret not going because I got to spend time with Wendy.

I don't know what to do...I am seriously crazy guilty. I feel bad about not going...because people were expecting me and obviously wanted me there.

I think I'll email Sarah tomorrow and apologize for not being able to make it and that I hope we can have dinner soon.

These friends, I used to work with them...and I only see them about once every two or three months. And they never attend any of my functions or go out with me otherwise. It is always a planned dinner with them.

Anyway...advice or whatever is appreciated.

Meme stolen from tattooedraven

foreverred — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 08:26:05 GMT

A.) Post ten Twelve of any pictures currently on your hard drive that you think are self-expressive.

B.) NO CAPTIONS! It must be like we're speaking with images and we have to interpret your visual language just like we have to interpret your words.

C.) They must ALREADY be on your hard drive -- no googling or flickr! They have to have been saved to your folders sometime in the past. They must be something you've saved there because it resonated with you for some reason.

D.) You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to. You can make them as mysterious as you like. Or you can explain them away as much as you like.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

Just got back from watching "Company"

foreverred — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 08:32:55 GMT

In a word: AMAZING.

The tickets were pricey ($18) but in my opinion well worth it. I had a great time.

I had never seen the musical and was only familiar with two songs that Barbara Streisand sang on her Broadway album.

The show itself was funny, clever, poignant and powerful.

I was crying at the end of "Being Alive" which Neil Patrick Harris belted out...truly breathtaking and emotionally exhilarating. I enjoyed the entire show from beginning to end. I can't even think of something that I disliked from the show.

Christina Hendricks is a Goddess and exudes sex. Neil (did he wax his chest?) was a perfect Robert...floating on the surface of life...but experiencing a cognitive dissonance...he wants to dive deeper but is afraid to and doesn't seem to know why he wants to have more meaningful relationships.

The show spoke to me personally because I'm going on to my second year of marriage...and it has been a tough haul so far. The lyrics and dialogue had a deeper meaning for me because it put to words feelings I've had for a long time. And when Robert finally comes to the realization that he wants a meaningful, difficult but at the same time wonderful intimacy that marriage affords...well, it just spoke to me on a very spiritual level.

The show was cast to perfections. Stephen Colbert was a delight to behold. I cannot say enough about NPH and his talent and power. His voice is just a wonderful concoction of youth and bravado. He belts out the notes with such passion. Seeing his eyes tear up during "Being Alive" was moving. The inside joke when a male character asks NPH's "Robert" whether he was interested in engaging in a homosexual affair resulted in far too many giggle-snorts from yours truly. His sly, patient prowl for Christina's character, April, and his subtle brow raises and smirks...they were well timed and thoughtful, genuine.

I'm going on iTunes and buying Company to listen to. I pray that it will be distributed on DVD so that I can order it right away.

What a wonderful night. If it wasn't for my fandom of NPH and HIMYM I would have likely missed out on this...and I'm so thankful that I didn't.

When?

foreverred — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 07:01:30 GMT

So, when do I finally feel comfortable in my own skin? When do I feel confident? When do I not care about what other people think of me? When do I know that I'm a good person? When do I get to say, "I'm okay the way I am"? When do I feel whole? When does the emptiness go away? When do I feel important? When do I feel okay with not being important? When do I feel like I haven't lost opportunities? When do I stop coveting? When do I stop feeling both immensely happy for people who have achieved their goals and insanely jealous? When do I feel like I'm not wasting my life? When do I stop feeling like a disappointment? When do I feel okay with not being in control? When do I stop feeling ashamed? When do I feel fulfilled? When? WHEN? WHEN?

I just feel like...my dreams are dieing around me...dreams I never even knew I had until now...that my world of possibilities becomes less and less and that all I have will be my computer, my little obsessions and my man-child husband.

I wish it would all stop and I could just be happy.

30 Day Randomness Challenge - COMPLETE-

foreverred — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 20:31:03 GMT

Day 28 - A photo of anything.

That's my hedgehog, Doozer, sharing a meal with my cat Lilu. This was taken several years ago and Doozer has since past away.

Day 29 - A live performance youtube video.

I love this song...and I love NPH.

Day 30 - What your last dream you can remember, was about.

Honestly, my dreams lately have been extremely hodge-podgy...nothing linear enough to describe. However, let me tell you about a dream that made me laugh so much I woke myself up.

So, in the dream...I walk up to a cabinet and open it and there is a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of mustard and a bottle vinegar.

The ketchup says, "Hi! I'm ketchup!"

The mustard says, "Hi! I'm mustard!"

The vinegar says, 'Fuck you!"

I say, "Oh, Vinegar...you're so bitter."

I literally started laughing so hard I woke myself up and subsequently my husband.

---

Another favorite dream of mine...I was at a fair in England...and Pulp was performing. I missed the performance but somehow I was being lead backstage. I was escorted to a dressing room and when I opened the door, Jarvis Cocker was sitting there. He and I started chatting about various things, tattoos, gin, and we started to play a game of cards. Then we had a cup of tea. I told him how much I loved his music and how he is a great singer. Then he had to go because he was so exhausted. It was lovely having tea with Jarvis.

---

Because I'm having a celebrity crush phase right now...I've been having several dreams with celebrities in them. I had a dream last night with Joel McHale...I remember trying to wake him up and then we just sat in bed and sort of cuddled and talked about this and that...

I had a dream the other night with NPH in which we went shopping then had a slumber party in a really modern, chic hotel room.

I had a dream where Tom Hardy was my next door neighbor...and when some assholes in the neighborhood were slashing my tires, I asked him to help me out because I was alone and afraid. He unfortunately did nothing and simply walked away from me.

I had a dream awhile ago where Robert Downy Jr. and I were at a big Las Vegas casino/mall and we went shopping then had drinks at a bar. I expressed my concern that he was drinking and ruining his sobriety.

A long time ago, I had a dream where I was in a hotel room and there was one of those doors that connects to the room next door. I opened it and there was Dave Matthews and his pregnant wife. I offered Dave Matthews a joint and we ended up getting stoned together. His wife explained they needed to get to the airport and their limo was late so I drove them to the airport.

One of my favorite dreams is when my best-friend, Stephi, and I went to a live performance by John Cusack...it was in a library and the audience was seated on the floor in the aisles of books. Stephi and I watched the performance and I think we were sipping on a flask and just having a great time. Then I made eye contact with John Cusack and smiled and he smiled back. After the performance, Stephi and I are heading to the parking lot to drive to a bar for cocktails when John Cusack shows up and asks if he can join us. And of course we said yes.

---

And thus concludes my 30 day randomness challenge.

30 Day Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 04:19:35 GMT

Day 25 - List the people you have slept with by their initials.

Well, this is easier said than done...because I've had quite a few partners and I've done some drugs so...I might not remember everyone...but hell, I'll give it a try...These are people I've had intercourse with:

JM - lost virginity to

MH- I took his virginity

JM - probably one of the worst lays ever. The guy was TERRIBLE.

SB - I was 21 he was 37...my first May/December relationship

TS - One of the great lovers of my life. He taught me a lot.

DA - I can't say we actually had sex because he went all floppy on me...I was convinced he was gay.

RM - Another terrible lay.

SB & JC - Yes, it was a threesome...and it was amazing and lovely.

? - I think his last name was Smuckers...or something like that. He was a one night stand I had in Vegas.

CS - Built like a linebacker...into freaky shit...

DZ - he was my high school teacher...years later we had horrible sex.

BM - met during speed dating...we fooled around

CS - his nickname was "swamp dick"

SC - I loved him very much...I wanted to marry him

DM - ex-marine, super conservative, freak in the bed

AH - I attempted to be in a polyamorous relationship...it didn't work

DR - Married man

?? - Got drunk fucked some guy I met online...big mistake

JR - Dated him for 2 weeks...it was lame

Buzz - I honestly can't remember his last name...funny little guy but fun.

SD - My husband

I think that is everyone but I probably forgot someone...25 people...that's sort of impressive...(shrugs) honestly, I don't regret like 90% of those people. :)

Day 26 - A celebrity you don’t like, and why.

Oh man...I hate that ex-supermodel chick...who was a judge on America's Next Top Model: Janice Dickinson. I can't tolerate her...she's a wreck and hateful.

Day 27 - The song(s) you want played at your funeral.

Hmmmm...I love classical music...something classy. I really don't care...I'm dead after all. I'll leave it up to Sam...

30 Day Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 09:42:51 GMT

Day 23 - The next plan you have coming up that you’re really excited for.

Well, I'm really looking forward to going to California in the fall to visit my best-friend, Stephi and my other best-friends: Michelle, Chelsea and Effie. I will also get to see my father, mother and uncle. I plan on flying into Northern California and rent a car then drive to Chico and spend time with Stephi, then drive to Bakersfield and spend time with my peeps there...then drive to Los Angeles and see Effie and my dad.

More recent plans: The weekend of the 18th, my husband and I are taking a car trip to Fairbanks, AK (takes about 6 to 8 hours from Anchorage depending on road conditions). We will camp on the way there, then spend Solstice (longest day of the year) in Fairbanks enjoying the festivities...then driving back on the 20th. I love camping and spending time with Sam. Plus, Alaska is amazingly beautiful I mean, really gorgeous...

Day 24 - The last photo taken of you and someone else.

I'm the one in red.

30 Day Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 06:23:34 GMT

Day 19 - A picture of your handwriting.

Day 20 - Favourite smell.

I have two favorite smells:

Fresh Baked Bread

Bleach

I know this makes me really weird.

Day 21 - Another celebrity you’d like in your bed.

Of course...Johnny Galecki:

Day 22 - Song lyrics you can really relate to at the moment.

"Dishes" by Pulp

I am not Jesus though I have the same initials -
I am the man who stays home and does the dishes.
And how was your day?
Is that woman still trying to do your head in?
A man told me to beware of 33.
He said,
"It was not an easy time for me"
but I'll get trhough
even though I've got no miracles to show you.

I'd like to make this water wine
but it's impossible.
I've got to get these dishes dry.

I'll read a story if it helps you sleep at night.
I've got some matches if you ever need a light.
Oh I am just a man
but i'm doing what I can to help you.

I'd like to make this water wine
but it's impossible.
I've got to get these dishes dry.

And I'm not worried that I will never touch the stars
cos stars belong up in heaven
and the earth is where we are.
Oh yeah.
And aren't you happy just to be alive?
Anything's possible.
You've got no Cross to bear tonight.
No not tonight.
No not tonight.
I am not Jesus though I have the same initials.

30 Day Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Mon, 30 May 2011 21:35:09 GMT

Day 14 - A letter to someone. Anyone.

While it has been over a decade, I always feel your presence and lack of presence in my life. I see you in the faces of the little boys I work with...I remember playing with you, talking with you, scheming with you. Most of the time, these memories fill me with joy. Every once in awhile, I feel sorry for myself because I miss you, because I had something taken from me, because I wonder what life would be like if you were here. However, this is self-pitying and ungrateful for the wonderful life I have now. I understand that your story was only 14 chapters long. It had a beginning, middle and end. I choose not to feel angry that the universe wrote such a short story for you, while my story goes on for many more chapters. I choose to feel grateful that I was lucky enough to be there for all 14 chapters. That I was able to hug you the day you left us. That because you left, my life took a trajectory that has sent me to a wonderful place, to a wonderful husband, to a wonderful career. But, forever, there will be someone missing from my story, a hole in my heart that will never be filled but I will learn to live with and live around it. All the hugs...all the sisterly support I have to give, I bestow on the young people I work with. They are my sisters and brothers, too. Nothing goes to waste...nothing is wasted...everything is exactly as the universe meant it to be.

I love you so much, Ryan. I love you everyday. You are with me like my heartbeat. Sometimes, I'm not really aware of my heartbeat...but sometimes, I do notice and I am so grateful.

Always your big sister,

Chelsea

Day 15 - Something you regret.

The one event or choice I made in life that I truly regret was losing my virginity to the guy I lost it to and when I chose to give it up. I won't go into dirty details, but I was a very sad young woman who wanted so much to believe in magic and fairytails and innocent love. I wanted to believe in all sorts of childish things because I had gone through a tragedy and was grasping so hard to find something good in my life. I basically bought into a delusion and engaged in self-destruction. The night I lost my virginity I realized that I had closed a door that could not be opened again. That I gave my virginity away to someone who was not in love with me, that I did not love and that I would not marry or even be a friend with. It was a huge mistake. He was a jerk, a thug and a moron. He was lieing to me the whole time. I should have known better, he was clearly running with a sketchy crowd (his best-friend had just gotten out of juvi). I was a poodle hanging out with wolves. It is over...and I don't regret any of the sex and relationships I've had since. Sex was a way for me to connect with people and for that I am grateful. I had some wonderful experiences having sex and being close to people. I don't regret sex...I just wish I had waited for someone else to lose my virginity to...someone who could have valued it more.

Day 16 - A list of songs that make you emotional.

Wow, that is a tall order...

I have an easier time listing albums that make me emotional...that I have actual emotional responses to...

"Live at Luther College" with Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds

When I listen to this album, I remember a guy I was dating (who was a crazy man but fun), I remember the smell of his bedroom...I remember the theater I was working at, the hours spent online, the friends I had...I was into Dave Matthews Band the months before I moved to Alaska and once I got here, my obsession stopped cold-turkey. But, I remember the feelings I had around that time...excited and expectant.

"More Adventurous" by Rilo Kiley.

I listen to this album multiples times a week. So many songs speak to my soul..."Does He Love You?" really speaks to me...the sadness of her voice, the feelings of regret of not being loved the way she wants to be loved. I don't know...I've shed a tear to this song on more than one occasion. I've loved someone who loved someone else and it sucks.

"Louder than Bombs" by The Smiths.

Man, the Smiths have been in my life longer than any other group except maybe Billy Idol. I remember very distinctly when I was introduced to the Smiths. I was junior high, maybe the 7th Grade. I was in a junior theater production of "The Little Mermaid" and it was one of the most exciting things to happen to me. I had a HUGE crush on this guy named Ben, and he gave me a tape of The Smiths. I wanted so much to seem older and worldly to him. I started listening to the Smiths and holy-moly I was in LOVE with them. While I didn't always understand the lyrics, something spoke to me. "Girlfriend in a Corner" and "Shoplifters of the World" are still favorites. Every time I listen to this album I am blown away. I don't know what happened to Ben...but I am so happy he introduced me to the Smiths.

"Different Class" "This is Hardcore" "His 'n Hers" by Pulp.

Out of these three albums, Different Class is by far my favorite and the most influential. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was also an anglophile. I bought a British music magazine "Q" from the bookstore and was reading it. I had no idea who 95% of the people in the magazine were. I saw a picture of Jarvis Cocker and was awestruck. He simply was an awesome creature. I read the article and was fascinated by this odd, sexy and sophisticated man. I went to Sam Goody and bought the album and within seconds of playing it...I was in love. I had dreams about this man. I felt the music was brutal, honest, beautiful, cynical, odd and talked about what I knew and what I had yet to learn. That love and life are fucking difficult endeavors filled with compromises of character and selling one-self short...but always, there is love and there is beauty and there is hope...more than anything, never apologize for who you are and what choices you've made because dammit, no one is perfect and our flaws are beautiful.

Other albums worth mentioning but I won't go into detail:

"Maxinquaye" by Tricky

"Leftism" by Leftfield

"Weezer" by Weezer

"Undertow" by Tool

"A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" by !Panic at the Disco

"The Great Escape" by Blur

Day 17 - Favourite youtube channel that you’re subscribed to.

I don't have a channel that I subscribe to. Easy answer there.

Day 18 - The first big purchase you’d make if you won the lottery.

Well, the first big purchase I'd make is a house: Four bedroom, three bathroom, heated garage and deck in the back. Easy answer.

But, I would probably pay off my student loans (which aren't a purchase) first before anything else.

Oh, then I would buy an auto-start for my car....and then plan a trip to Europe.

30 Day of Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Thu, 26 May 2011 08:12:55 GMT

Day 11 - Links to all the websites and online profiles you have.

Tumblr: http://flashinthepanobsessions.tumblr.com/
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/akredhead
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/chelsea.dunham2
Twitter: http://twitter.com/akredhead
Livejournal: http://foreverred.livejournal.com/
Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/akredhead

Day 12 - Someone/something you don't like.

Day 13 - What you want more than anything right now.

Originally I wanted to type "money" because money has been crazy tight for me and Sam.

But really, what I want is to be happy. I can be poor and fat and homeless...but more than anything I want to be HAPPY.

30 Day Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Sun, 22 May 2011 18:52:08 GMT

Day 08 - A photo of someone you fancy at the moment.

My husband, Sam.

Day 09 - A song that has lyrics you’d consider getting tattooed.

Oh man, this is a tough one...hmmm...

I honestly can't think of any...:(

I love music...I love the band Pulp, Dave Matthews Band, Mike Olcott, The CUre, Panic at the Disco, Rilo Kiley...and while I love these bands and the beautiful music they make...I don't think I'd want to tattoo any of their lyrics permanently on my skin. Sorry, but that's just not the type of gal I am.

Day 10 - A photo from the last social event you went to.

That's my best-friend Ashley and a co-worker...FYI this picture was taken at 10pm (night).

30 Day Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Fri, 20 May 2011 08:47:42 GMT

Day 07 - Quote one of the nicest messages you have ever recieved on ask/formspring.

I don’t get a lot of messages in my ask box…but here are two that I appreciated:

“First off, thanks for the follow! Second, your blog is TBBT golden.<3” - paigeylovesyou

”I love you for making this tumblr. :D” - wuvmeteddybear

The first was for my personal tumblr (flashinthepanobsessions) and the second was in regards to my Johnny Galecki tumblr (hellyesjohnnygalecki).

Sometimes I feel like the only one...

foreverred — Thu, 19 May 2011 03:19:03 GMT

In regards to God and religion...I usually tell people I have an "off again/on again" relationship with God.

I have many reasons for this...working with hundreds of sexually and physically abused young women, listening to the stories of victimization of children and watching the news pretty much has taught me that if there is a God...he is either a mean son-of-a-bitch or he's got some ginormous plan that I have no comprehension of. In my opinion, God is neither all-loving or all-hating...I think God is powerful and really isn't answering prayers or actively involved in the daily goings on in our lives. He spun the top and then walked away.

I understand the importance of organized religion in the lives of others...Hell, I've even recommended to clients that they practice prayer or talk to God or go to church...because it is what works for them. But I have never been able to fully embrace religion in my life. I always get hung-up on things...like, patriarchy and contradictions and hypocrisy.

In other words, I'm sort of lean towards the atheist side of things...but still feel there is a powerful force in the universe. Does that make sense?

Anyway, at work today, during our meeting, I pointed out that in my previous job (mental hospital) they did not celebrate holidays so much as seasons. For example, instead of Halloween it was Harvest Festival and instead of Christmas it was Winter Solstice. Why? Because we wanted to be all inclusive...we didn't want one religion or spiritual belief to be highlighted while others weren't. I suggested that we adopt the same approach for the preschool program I currently work at. I pointed out that we were a "community" mental health program and not funded by a particular religious sect.

I was surprised by the very strong reactions I received from my manager and my co-workers. They felt that we shouldn't "take Christmas away from these kids" and "if a parent doesn't want their kid celebrating a holiday they can just not have that kid show up that day." I pointed out that the children can still celebrate religious holidays with their families and we can celebrate the seasons; thus, no one is missing out on ANYTHING, "It is better to be inclusive than exclusive. While we promote a christian holiday we are not promoting other religious holidays." My manager told me that if a child is Jewish that we can then teach the other children about Jewish holidays. I pointed out that I'm not a religious teacher, I'm a therapist and that I shouldn't be asked to teach children about a religion.

My colleague went off about how Christmas is the celebration of Christ and that is just what it is. And to call it something else would be "stupid." I pointed out that it was not stupid but just a different opinion...one that has been adopted by many secular organizations that provide care for a variety of people who have a variety of belief systems.

One colleague agreed with me and stated that she felt it would be best to be more secular so that no religion would be highlighted or left-out...but that religion would just not be a part of it.

Mr. Aaron (my closest work friend) also disagreed with me.

It was clear to me that most of my co-workers were not hearing what I was saying but were simply reacting to their own feelings and beliefs.

It also was made clear that I was very much alone in my beliefs about God.

"If you don't want to participate in holiday celebrations, Chelsea, you can just not participate."

"No, you don't understand, all holidays have the same value to me...I celebrate both Jewish and Christian based holidays, as well as the made-up holidays like Valentine's Day...I also will happily celebrate Kwanza or Chinese New Year because they all have the same merit and value in my eyes..."

I told my manager that I'll do whatever she wants me to and will gladly celebrate "Christmaskwanzakah" if she wanted but that I feel celebrating Seasons would be more inclusive.

"Well, I don't agree but I'll run it by the director and get their feedback."

Sure you will...

It is hard being a secularist among religious folks. I almost started to cry but was able to keep it together. I checked with my co-worker, Jeri, who is this awesome 60 year old southern former military black woman...to see if I came off as bitchy or rude and she said I didn't and that she agreed with me. I was relieved that I didn't piss anyone off and I know I can be strong and overwhelming to some people.

I really miss Northstar...it just felt more like home...even though it was a sick, twisted fucked up place to work...it was my sick, twisted and fucked up home away from home. I feel like people shared my beliefs and opinions more there...that being non-religious was the norm and acceptable.

Anyway...yeah...so there you go.

30 Day Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Wed, 18 May 2011 09:13:39 GMT

Day 06 - A band/artist not many people know of, but you think should.

Well there are several...But I'll post three:

Melissa Mitchell: http://www.homegrownak.com/

Stephen Speaks: http://www.stephenspeaks.com/

Near Miss Mallet (now called the Bird Channel): http://www.myspace.com/nearmissmallet/music

30 Day Randomness Challenge

foreverred — Tue, 17 May 2011 06:45:27 GMT

Day 03 - A photo of you in a drunken state.

I'm the one with glasses....

Day 04 - The best concert/gig you have been to.

The one that I always go back to was the time I went to the Bridge School Benefit concert...It took place in Mountain View California. I took my best friend, Chris Fraze, and we drove up and stayed at a hotel.

The line-up was:

Neil Young

Tracey Chapman

Billy Idol

Dave Matthews

REM

Pearl Jam

AND IT WAS ALL ACOUSTIC! It was awesome!

Day 05 - A photo of yourself, not taken by you.

why even try

foreverred — Mon, 16 May 2011 00:40:57 GMT

I have no business being married.

I'm an incredibly flawed person...I have no skills in being married to Sam. I bring him nothing but heartache, anger and frustration.

30 Day Randomness Challenge - Day 1 and Day 2

foreverred — Sat, 14 May 2011 04:33:43 GMT

Day 01 - The celebrity you’d do unthinkable, illegal things to.

This was a hard one as I have lots of celebrity crushes...it was a tie between Johnny Galecki or Tom Hardy...and I decided Tom Hardy because...well, he seems like the type who would want me to do illegal things to him. :) (Johnny will be the gentle lover...Tom will be the guy who fucks the shit out of me).

Day 02 - List 20 of your favorite tumblr’s, and why they’re your favorite. (in no particular order)

1. http://fuckyeahchubbyfashion.tumblr.com/

Because it inspires me to dress my best despite my size.

2. http://wuvmeteddybear.tumblr.com/

Because I swear to Gawd we are cut from the same cloth. Lots of mutual interests.

3. http://fuckyeahjohnnykaley.tumblr.com/

Just one of the best The Big Bang Theory tumblr’s I reblog from her all the time. Plus, she’s a pretty awesome person.

4. http://fuckyeahnathanfillion.tumblr.com/

Because Nathan Fillion will always be my captain.

5. http://jessicasjunk.tumblr.com/

She’s my very good friend…she loves kitties…and she posts clever stuff that I love.

6. http://fuckyeahtomhardy.tumblr.com/

Because Tom Hardy is amazing and delicious and I want to lick him.

7. http://littlealaska.tumblr.com/

She’s funny and an amazing artist.

8. http://clientsfromhell.net/

Makes me laugh.

9. http://soontherainwillcome.tumblr.com/

She posts really cool shit. That’s all.

10. http://ninety6tears.tumblr.com/

Posts beautiful boys kissing each other on a fairly regular basis. YUM!

11. http://half-in-love.tumblr.com/

Posts funny shit.

12. http://freakinngantok.tumblr.com/

Cute gifs…funny memes…Just something new and fresh.

13. http://theskyyends.tumblr.com/

She’s my best friend.

14. http://dailybunny.org/

Cute bunnies…every day. Nuff said.

15. http://thisloveisallthativegot.tumblr.com/

Great gifs…funny shit…Dr. Who awesomeness.

16. http://tbbtftw.tumblr.com/

Another great TBBT fansite

17. http://tbbt-fans.tumblr.com/

Yet another great TBBT tumblr

18. http://hellyeahhowimetyourmother.tumblr.com/

I love the show How I Met Your Mother

19. http://feministslut.tumblr.com/

Thought provoking…pro-choice…gender discussions

20. http://communitythings.tumblr.com/

Awesome stuff regarding the awesome show “Community”