Stupid Humans!!

flashpoint — Mon, 24 Nov 2025 15:17:46 GMT

Keeping busy is the best thing I can do for myself.

I don't notice the bad things quite so much if I am occupied. I don't notice disruptions or noises or messes, challenges are just to be navigated, the "things I should be doing" fade away because I am busy. I am doing something. And the busy-ness of business is enough!

I spend every day with my mind chasing, "Why am I not doing these things I should be doing?" Is it cleaning? Is it learning? Is it fixing? Is it tackling some big issue?

I believe it is ALL those things. And I don't know how I function, with all those things I'm supposed to be doing.

Being high was a blessing in that I didn't fret about who I'm supposed to be calling, or talking to, or the hundred things I need to do. The feeling was always focusing on what I was doing, what I could do in the moment, and was I happy doing that thing? Gardens happened, streaming happened, games and food and ....

It made me paranoid, too, afraid to leave the house. It wasn't all good.

But I wasn't afraid to waste my time, and that's something I wish I could reclaim.

Forward

flashpoint — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 21:00:53 GMT

Keep going! Every day keep going. One day at a time.

So as I sit and I'm just not sure of what I am capable, what I COULD or SHOULD be doing, I just keep going.

It's not about getting better each day, really. We keep going every day because every day is new, every day makes a difference, and every day is better than not having a day. Not just survival, either. Every action makes a difference. Everything we do builds on itself.

Nothing has to be perfect. Just keep moving forward.

flashpoint — Tue, 23 Sep 2025 17:41:11 GMT

It's always difficult to transition from on-location work to working-from-home. It's like the world stops and suddenly NOTHING feels right.

I wish I knew how to recover and transition.

flashpoint — Tue, 23 Sep 2025 17:40:03 GMT

Life isn't bad. I can say that over and over, and I know that's true.

How privileged am I that I can fuss with this Linux computer while I'm waiting for the next assignment? How privileged am I to have a house, a car, medical care, people who care about me, a kitchen full of food, furniture of my own?

The most difficult thing about anxiety and depression is that there isn't an "OK" where everything is just completely fine. I'm crying, or I'm afraid, or I'm not enough, or I'm wrong.

Life IS OK. But it doesn't feel right, and nothing will make it feel right. I just keep living and not knowing how to function with it.

I made it this far. I'm in an equilibrium. Things could be like this forever and I won't be in a difficult spot. I'll have money and food and agency and anything I need. I don't have to be sad or upset anymore. I can want MORE, but I don't need to worry.

I may never shake this feeling that I'm always doing something wrong.

flashpoint — Sun, 04 May 2025 05:41:34 GMT

Things were getting better, but now they are going to get so much worse.
Can I deactivate my phone and run for my life?
Do you think I could be kidnapped? Or some terrible fate could befall ...
Another person?

No, I need boundaries.

Maybe I need to RUN.

flashpoint — Thu, 26 Sep 2024 19:24:51 GMT

It is amazing the difference my life has when someone believes in me, appreciates me, and shows it.

I didn't feel lovable. And I couldn't figure out how to feel loved. What did I need to feel whole again?

Someone else -might- have cracked the code. I can't even explain it now, but it's working, and maybe I don't hate myself or my circumstances or anyone else as much anymore. Maybe...

Maybe life is OK again.

flashpoint — Sun, 21 Jan 2024 01:28:03 GMT

I miss the kids. I miss the house in Orlando. I miss the weather, and the flexibility. I miss a few people, too, and a few resources, and the weather, and...

It would be easier to fall back into a life in Florida.

flashpoint — Sun, 21 Jan 2024 01:04:32 GMT

We played Gloom. The past few weeks have been peppered with Kelsey stories, but not many people really know how close we were. Outside of Orlando, they never saw us all every day for Dinner, or at weekly game nights.

The Kondolojys, where we would all drive northwards to their house. When Kelsey moved in the 2nd time, she came along with us. Remember the rotating cast of characters that Ryan and Amanda could bring? Kirk and Riss, or Deven and Riss. Little Baby B-Ball. Hunters Creek was nice, but that giant house really felt like home for a while.

I keep retelling these stories, the stories of engineering all day, then jumping off for Game Night later, because I find more game night partners here. Thanksgiving, then board games. Making it pink. There was a beauty in our weekly game nights with the Kondolojys.

Pandemic Legacy, amirite? Riss & Angel watching the kids. The Bumbo with the tray. Muchkin, Catan Star Trek, which is SETLLERS, damn sheep. I have Gloom, still.

We never used the backyard; smoking and that back porch didn't align.

flashpoint — Sun, 21 Jan 2024 00:53:30 GMT

Good Morning to my past.

I'm more than 2500 miles from where I started on December 27. "As the crow flies," I'm only 1000 miles away from you, and idioms in my head will echo on.

I'm super curious about RB4 DLC support being moved to Fortnite Festival support, and instrument-controllers are expected to be involved. I have Clone Hero running pretty cleanly back at the lab, I can dream of getting that all 100% again.

I'll be creating a retro den. I'm not even going to pretend to want to play new video games anymore; my goals are modest.

Retrogames and Hockey and Football
A big garden in the back
A place for my kids to visit.

Those are all realistic, small goals that I believe I can reach.

When will you see me again? I don't want to go back to my past, so I'm digging this up less. I'll reach out when it's time.

I miss my kids. I miss my few remaining local friends. I miss the familiarity of living in Orlando, at home. I miss knowing what next week is going to be like, even if I can't make plans. I miss sleeping during the day.

But I love my life. I'm a travel-hardened bottle of delight, full of puns and song lyrics and sensitivity. People love to be around me when they let me sleep on my schedule. And I like to be around them!

Sleep on a schedule that involves zero panic-awakenings.
Have enough income to sustain my rent & utilities
Speak when faced with a challenge.

Earlier, I had to argue with my host about liking the burnt ones. She got the even BURNTD-ER one. No, I don't think she's taking them for herself; I think she truly believes they're unpalatable. I enjoy the burnt ones, though! Anyone who knows me knows...

oh right.

Everyone who knew me is behind this wall. I don't need to keep thinking everyone knows me, not anymore. They don't, frankly.

I want to be known, and not punished for being me.

So to my past, I'll drop it here when I think of you.

flashpoint — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 11:37:29 GMT

If anyone were to ask my ex about what happened, she would have a completely different story, and she would say, "He's welcome to see the kids anytime, I'll stay out of the way." She's said that several times before and been lying; no matter her intent, it never ends well.

flashpoint — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 11:29:02 GMT

The point is, she swore she would take everything from me, and she did. She successfully blocked me from everything I gained. She took everything from me. I can't argue that, especially now as I'm using a friend's spare bedroom with no ideas on how to get back home or get income or a job. Nothing works, NOTHING seems to work.

flashpoint — Wed, 03 Jan 2024 08:53:56 GMT

Fun fact, my Dad was born in Pittsburgh. Much like me, my father was born while his father was military. Don was army, and must have been stationed in PGH at some point. It might explain the very few Steelers items in my grandfather's stuff. Steelers just seemed so remote.
I always liked their college mascot of the Panthers, and I liked the concept of a "Steel Town overgrown," but I don't have anything there that I know to see. Milwaukee, at least, had beer. What does Pittsburgh have?

A hotel room.

flashpoint — Tue, 02 Jan 2024 09:29:32 GMT

LJ 2023 Recap!

flashpoint — Tue, 02 Jan 2024 08:44:48 GMT

I don't expect 736 entries this year, but I'm off to a strong start...

flashpoint — Tue, 02 Jan 2024 08:41:54 GMT

Homeless guy in a train station yeaaaaaahhhh....

Don't worry, I have beds to borrow.

flashpoint — Tue, 02 Jan 2024 08:40:34 GMT

The vacation is helping...

Just...

Imagine, every moment of my life is dogged by the thought of, "I'm supposed to be..."

I don't even know for sure what that is! But my brain assumes I'm not doing it, and I should feel bad until I do it.

I'm out of things to do, and I'm almost out of consequences. When does the fear stop?

Train thoughts

flashpoint — Thu, 28 Dec 2023 13:05:01 GMT

I rode this train in 2006!

I rode this same train line, roughly the same train, in 2006. I helped move my ex, Sandra, home from Orlando, and I started that trip with a train ride up the Silver Service to Kissimmee. It was before they had a combined route to Tampa, so I didn't have to switch out at Lakeland. There was definitely consideration of getting off in Winter Haven instead of Kissimmee or Orlando though. It was inconvenient; I should have driven. She had to bring all her stuff down AND me in her little Corolla.

It gave me a little preparation for this ride, so it wasn't a waste. Amtrak is less scary.

That was the same month my Dad died! Let me tell you, it was a heavy conscience to realize I could have refused to help move Sandra and possibly been there with my Dad. But... it's also possible that it would have earlier triggered the events that resulted in his death. From hindsight, I know he was managing a panic attack in preparation of my arrival. That's why he died with alcohol and Xanax in his system, and why he was preparing for a shower. All self-care things for anti-anxiety.
I have the good fortune of not having much taste for alcohol. That fate doesn't await me.

flashpoint — Thu, 28 Dec 2023 06:10:24 GMT

QC: Bembo returns!

flashpoint — Fri, 22 Dec 2023 10:41:18 GMT

Questionablecontent.net says
BEMBO RETURNS!

I've waited for this all year. BEMBO got me through last Christmas.

2023 Runner-up Alternative Rock Tracks

flashpoint — Tue, 19 Dec 2023 21:13:03 GMT

Benee — Green Honda :: She's not happy. Pronounced, "Benny," she tells you that she don't-want-YAH. to rhyme with Green Hon-DAH. It's so stupid, but it captures the atmosphere perfectly. The dude deserved to be dumped, it seems.$

Royal Otis — Sofa King :: I swear, the reason this song is getting requested and played is because the DJs get to say, "Here's Sofaking" and it's kinda like a swear. The song is great, though: It actually deserves this much attention. $

Death Cab for Cutie — Arrow in the Wall :: The song is haunting, beautiful, unexpected. Didn't Death Cab have a reunion last year? They're back on tour, playing Transatlanticism and Ben's also playing Postal Service on a double-bill. This song sounds both fresh and nostalgic, and the chorus will haunt you long after. $

Fall Out Boy — Love from the Other Side :: This song BURST onto the scene in Spring, and it was non-stop on the alt-rock stations, rock stations, Hot AC, Pop stations...everywhere. Fall Out Boy was the best band in America for a while. I was sick of it. But I learned every word, especially: "Every lover's got a little dagger in their hand." $

Blink-182 — One More Time :: This comeback is a love story to the fans. It's everything we ever wanted. Welcome back Tom, welcome back Blink-182's original lineup. The band tugs at heartstrings for this song though: it is very clearly written for those of us who watched the band dissolve. $

Silversun Pickups — Empty Nest :: Did you notice? Did you notice? This song's a little redundant; that's the point of this band. The songs feel like a one-minute loop, snowballing until they're an orchestral/chaotic masterpiece. Most of us know "Lazy Eye." If you like it, you'll enjoy "Empty Nest."

Iron Chef 1107

flashpoint — Tue, 19 Dec 2023 12:27:19 GMT

The vision is....

Chris as "Fukui-San", sportscaller giving drama to each shot, quick to point out the tastiest parts and smells, big Joe Buck fan...

Peter as Yukio Hattori, deep-throated food expert, academic, sharp wit in an even tone. Probably a better chef than the challenger. Writes the scripts.

(These guys are improv experts, by the way.)

Johnathan as Shinichiro Ohta, "Go ahead Ohta," Excitedly chiming in with the neat and interesting facts and relaying messages up to the box. Much of this is scripted - Ohta chimes in with the setup for the joke.

Flash as Chairman Kaga, the madman who puts the sets together and creates the fun things to pound the fish, steam the baskets, and shoot the fireworks. Iron Chef means challenges, and the featured ingredient will have been grown in the backyard! It won't be -too- normal.

Each month, the challengers are invited to Flash's Kitchen Stadium, where the Iron Chef (roomie) will cook alongside one of my Facebook Pocket-Friends, Contestants will find their way to my Flaming Cafe, to share and enjoy a family meal where we all win because we get to cook our favorites and eat a little of everything.

ALL IS PROVIDED, COME AND COOK!

Flash's Alt-Rock Top 15 of 2023

flashpoint — Mon, 18 Dec 2023 09:51:52 GMT

E — Foo Fighters — Under You :: This track and album is remarkable for being entirely drummed by Dave Grohl following the death of the Foo Fighters' drummer, Taylor Hawkins. The lead single, "Rescued", gets the most airplay, but "Kings and Queens, and in-betweens all deserve a life," and this secondary single is stronger in my mind. Here's Dave Grohl, singing with his signature emotion and growl, with hope for the future: "Someday I'll come out from Under You." Even the best rock musician on the planet is trying to escape someone: we all know the feeling. "Under You" is an anthem for the oppressed. $

D — Noah Kahan — Stick Season :: I called this "the Alcohol one" for a long time, saying 'I'm SO SICK of Dial Drunk, I wish they would play the Alcohol one instead!' because of the best line. What do you do when you lose everything? Stick-Season is about all those feelings, and "dream[ing] each night of some version of you that I might not have but I did not lose." They lyrics of this one are immaculate. $

C — boygenius — Not Strong Enough
Harmonized vocals in a beautiful fully-orchestrated song, everything laid out perfectly. The whole song feels like being serenaded, but about sadness. Their other single, "Cool About it" is stronger lyrically, but it's a little sparse for my taste. Dave Grohl drummed for this band once. $

B — The Killers — Your Side of Town
This song deserves all the attention it got. It feels like the Killers wrote a solid song, and then fluffed it up with big synths and effects, which is what the Killers do best. "The Man" never took off like I wanted, but "Your Side of Town" is the single we've needed from the Killers for years.

A — Milky Chance — Living in a Haze
:: This album sounds like the same song for an hour. Do you like this song? I do. After "Stolen Dance" and "Synchronize," I was ready for another solid single. This is the lead-off and the best on the album "I wish I was a disco boy...I should be dancin' the pain away." I wish I could go to a disco and dance the pain away too, my friend. (Bonus: Roomie was the one who told me Milky Chance were German.) $

9 — Green Day — The American Dream is Killing Me
:: "Send out an SOS, it's getting serious!" The song feels formulatic, like it was written by songwriters rather than a band. That pains me. But...every lyric is right. It's strong. Every musical stanza fits in, holds attention, and carries the tune. Green Day found the right formula in this song, creating a much better comeback than Blink-182's "Edging." (Blink-182 is NOT on my countdown.) $

8 — TALK — Run Away to Mars
:: Very few songs can be this simple and spare and catch so much attention. This was #11 on SiriusXM AltNation, and for a good reason. His heart pours out his mouth when he asks, "What if I run away to Mars? Would you find me in the stars?" While I sit here contemplating my own run-away-to-Mars, wondering if I'll ever come back from the stars. I have this song to keep me company. $

7 — Lovejoy — Normal People Things
:: This song was a surprise — I liked Lovejoy's "Call me what you like," but it was quickly overplayed. This song gives the manic energy of the most interesting goths I've ever met. It's a straightforward band, though: It has a drummer, bassist, guitarist, vocals. This song shows how a simple band can sound BIG on a recording, even with manic energy.

6 — Matt Maeson — Get Happy :: "I'll just GET HAPPY instead, like you said!" God, I wish I could tell that to people. I'm a pretty positive person anyway, but being told to cheer up or smile when I'm fighting my battles? It's like nails on a chalkboard. I'd be doing better if I could. Matt Maeson sings about his stints at rock bottom, and you can feel them when he shouts into the microphone, "I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL TOMORROW!!" If you don't already know his song "Cringe," that's your next stop. $

5 — Beach Weather — Sex, Drugs, Etc. You woke up and it's 9pm Friday night. Time to call your friends and start the adventure. "Bulletproof Passengers, on the road to Sex, Drugs Etc." "Dressin' up for Polaroids and Cigarettes," they feel like college nights out when I would go out and catch a low-key vibe with the other bored friends. This song reminds me of someone, with whom I enjoyed nothing more than sex, cannabis and etc.

4 — Bleachers — Modern Girl :: This song is a TREASURE. Jack Antonoff is still making magic. "I Wanna Get Better" is the track that made me fall for this band. Do you know Jack Antonoff, also from fun.? Modern Girl is an awesome party-opener, a screaming sax solo to start and a "WHOOOAAAAAAAAAOOOO!" that starts the energy up. Then vocals in cadence, so you know the rhythm and can dance. Not to mention, I -love- authentic multi-track vocals. The energy of a live show exists in this song. I love to join in for my favorite line: "BLEACHERS PLAYING ONLYFANS?!? (They're playin' it like a heart attack for ya)." $

3 — Jack Kays — Caffeine :: Every time this song comes on the radio, I jam. The song has so much anticipation, feeling like those first couple dates where things are going well and the feeling is hype. It's short, but the "Whoa-o Whoa-os" are an extension of that feeling in the chorus, like caffeine, pure gold. $

2 — AJR — Yes I'm a Mess :: AJR's OK Orchestra album carried me through a lot of 2022, and the singles they've released afterwards have been middling at best. The guys are still quirky and charming, but the music gets a bit grating if they don't have a strong theme. This song has a strong theme. I think many of us enjoy the chant: "Yes, I'm a mess, with an S on my chest! Got stress fillin' up my head! So I spent last night blowing up my life, and you won't see me again!" "I can hate my guts when the sun comes up, but I like myself like this." The song is a BOP, too. $

1 — Beaches — Blame Brett
:: Track of the Year, hands down. "Dump me from the cycle!" she croons on the first line, before the instruments kick in. That accent on the "cy" propels the song into a snowball: there's double-tracked vocals, and a hammering, non-stop tempo that feels at home on Faction Punk. The filtered vocals are like a rock club in the 90s. She sings about how she's looking for a lover, but it won't work out: blame her ex, Brett. Is nothing more entrancing than the singer suggesting, 'I'm looking for love, and YOU'RE next?' It's an all girl group, and I hope they have more in them. This song is wonderful. Punk's not dead, it's on the countdown right here! $

Errata
I'm learning more and more that I unintentionally learn the lyrics to my favorite songs. Expect some quotes. $$
(I have to leave Young the Giant off, because they were not a 2023 release.)
(Gorillaz, too, are from 2022, and I didn't like the Blur track.)
Honorable Mentions go to: Benee — Green Honda, Royal Otis — Sofa King, Death Cab for Cutie — Arrow in the Wall, Fall Out Boy — Love from the Other Side, Blink-182, One More Time, Silversun Pickups — Empty Nest. This was a great year for music. I might write about the also-rans later. They have stories and paragraphs too!

flashpoint — Sun, 17 Dec 2023 13:05:03 GMT

SiriusXM AltNation Top 10 of 2023

flashpoint — Sat, 16 Dec 2023 21:12:32 GMT

#siriusxm SiriusXM Alt Nation Top 10 Alternative Rock of 2023:
A: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Burning
9: Gorillaz - New Gold
8: boygenius - Not Strong Enough
7: Green Day - The American Dream is Killing Me
6: Beaches - Blame Brett
5: Noah Kahan - Dial Drunk
4: Manchester Orchestra - The Way
3: The Killers - Your Side of Town
2: Young the Giant - The Walk Home
1: Blink-182 - One More Time

Commentary follows:
I was THRILLED for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs track when it came out, so glad to see it crack the top 10!
Gorillaz' newest album is stellar, and this was the standout track. Cracker Island had 2022, New Gold had 2023.
boygenius is the best thing in alt rock right now. I love vocal harmonies, and the recording is perfect.
Green Day's new album should be good! I was worried this track was too new to reach the countdown, but the votes are POURING IN. It earned it's #7 for 2023 spot in about a month, under the shadow of a very powerful #1.
Beaches - Blame Brett is my track of 2023. I love it, everyone loves it. The first line is epic: "Dump me from the cycle!" Punk's not dead, it's #6 on the countdown.
Dial Drunk was all over the radio for a couple months, I got sick just hearing it. Stick Season is a better track, and not as ubiquitous.
Manchester Orchestra has never been my vibe. I didn't vote them this high! Enough people did, though.
Young the Giant's track walked me home from the cemetery for several weeks this spring. It's the only track on the countdown I voted for, and I'm loving that it's #2.
Blink-182's track is timely, something that builds the most solid #1 ranking. In a decade, this song won't be as interesting, but in 2023, it is exactly what we were looking for.

Mememe dump

flashpoint — Fri, 15 Dec 2023 16:44:15 GMT