you're my every thought here.

friends cut.

fixated — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 01:55:16 GMT

Ooookay. It all started with my cell phone breaking down randomly & me having to get a new one. That sounds weird, but whatever.

I've gotten a new cell phone, intensely cleaned my room of most things middle school/even stuff from elementary school, am starting high school in less than a month, am going to Norway this Friday for a week...things are changing, and quickly.

In the spirit of my new things/places I'll be going, I've also made a new change here on LJ: I've done a friends cut. I haven't been doing them lately, and my list has just gotten so big that I felt as though I was neglecting a lot of you. The people I kept are people I can say I honestly read on a regular basis/keep in touch with through comments or other methods.

I hate to say it's nothing personal, because friends cuts are always somewhat personal, but it's really not anything against any of you. It's just that I don't have the time to read 99 journals anymore.

Take care. ♥

The "return" of fixated!

fixated — Sat, 10 Dec 2005 10:47:09 GMT

Whoa, could it be!? fixated posting again? HA! I KNEW SHE'D COME BACK! is probably what you're thinking. But that's not it at all. This is more of a "checking in on things" type of post, and just letting you guys know I'm okay & things like that.

So after talking to upperclassheart a few days ago, I decided it'd be cool for me to make a random post filling you all in on how things are going with me these days. Considering it's been (oh my god!) almost an entire month since I left. Time really does fly.

- Things are still going strong on the friendship basis. I've still got a million of them, I still love them all, and things are ♥♥♥ amazing.
- Things are still going well on the guy front, too. Yep, it's still the same one as before. We're really good friends these days, and I love it.
- Family stuff is eh. Been grounded a couple times lately, but whatever.
- School is good! I love it. My only bad grade as of now is math (C+), which isn't even that bad.
- Yay.
- Happy holidays! My thanksgiving was good, and I hope yours was too.
- We put the gravestone on for my grandmother on the 25th of November. I was the only one not crying, which was pretty weird.
- I've been stalking ljsecret. I even posted one (my first time), so look for that. You'll know which one is mine.
- I miss you all very much, but no, I won't be coming back any time soon as far as I know. ♥ You can catch me on AIM, though.
- Happy late birthday to lomadia, operation, ladyofr0han, audiophonic, outpour, zerohundred, poetrytoprose, and happy early birthday to a couple of you as well. (astrologic! loverswalk!)

She's saying goodbye.

fixated — Tue, 15 Nov 2005 12:08:31 GMT

</td>

"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again, after moments or lifetimes, and that is certain for those who are friends."

- Richard Bach

This is so hard for me to say. _fleur's latest post gave me the inspiration to finally log out for good. Yes, for good. I tried a hiatus, but I can't stop refreshing my friends list, and frankly, this place just isn't doing much good for me.

I can rant, and I can rave, and I can laugh or cry. Before Livejournal, I had no real place to do that. That's just one of the things you all have given me. I've grown so much during the time I've been here, I'm sure you've seen it. But all good things must come to an end, and this is the right time for me. Livejournal is an experience I'll never forget, even when I'm old and can't remember anything else about my early teenage years. I just feel I've gotten all I can out of it, and I want to leave on a happy note.

Someone said it best when they said: "The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." I may have lost touch with most of you, and even ruined some friendships along the way, but I will always be here if you ever want to talk to me. You know where to reach me, and about 5 of you even have my phone number.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." I would not have made it through last year without most of you. All of you, really, because you all supported me in different ways. You are what helped me to grow. You were there on the day I realized I could make it through, and you were there on the days I thought for sure that I couldn't. And you stuck by me through all of it, something I can never repay you for. I love you all so much, and some of you probably don't know it.

It will be so hard to leave this behind, but I know that I have to. Icons and communities and comments may not matter, but don't you ever forget how much you do. You all matter to me in your own way - those I talk to constantly, those I comment on occasionally, and even those who I've never spoken to once outside of our journals. You're the best group of people I'll probably ever meet.

I am so unbelievably thankful for you all. It's hard to write this post now, especially considering the event coming up next week (we're putting the gravestone on my grandmother's grave). But then I know that it'd be hard to write at any time, so I'll get through the upcoming events without making a post. I'll definitely be calling a few of you, and I'll still be on AIM, so it's not like you'll lose all contact with me. It's just my time to go.

Before this gets too sappy, I'll end it here. I have so much more to say, but I don't want to waste your time or make this post into one big cliché. I'll see you when I see you. Please don't forget me. As selfish as that sounds, I want to be remembered, if only as the girl who selfishly left Livejournal to get a life.

Even though you're gone...

fixated — Sat, 12 Nov 2005 14:11:54 GMT

mandy porrelli.
april 1, 1987 - november 12, 2005

This post shouldn't have to be written, but unfortunately, it does.

I asked Mandy a couple months ago if she'd mind if I made a meme-type thing as another way to pay our respects, since we can't be there at her grave physically. She said it was okay, so that's basically what this is. However, about 2 months after that, Mandy and I went through a lot of drama, some of you probably know what I'm talking about. She and I did become friends after that about 2 or 3 weeks ago, but we hadn't talked since the drama went down. She did still say it was okay for me to post this, though, but I didn't really know what to do. It just seems right that something brings us all together in a time like this, though. Something has to, for fear we might lose our way alone.

This is public, and it feels disrespectful to call it a meme, so it's more of an online way of paying your respects. Any last words, any thoughts, anything that was left unsaid between you and Mandy can be posted here. You're free to come back at any time in the future and leave more, if you want.

Feel free to link this post to anyone who wants to stop by, even people who didn't know her. Love you all, and hope you're doing okay.

I've been held back by something, yeah.

fixated — Fri, 21 Oct 2005 13:02:45 GMT

To make a mountain of your life is just a choice. But I never learned enough to listen to the voice that told me. Always love, hate will get you every time. Always love, don't wait till the finish line.

I've been held back by something, yeah, you said to me quietly on the stairs.

To make a mountain of your life is just a choice. And I definitely chose the wrong path. Yes, my personal struggles have been tough this past year and a half, but they're nowhere near as horrible as some other people have had to deal with, and for that I'm truly sorry. For acting like my problems were bigger than anyone else's. Honestly, how much more asshole-ish could I have sounded? ...Wow. And I actually believed it, too. Yeah, I was blinded and couldn't see anything in front of me during my depression, but it was not as bad as some other people's. Why? Because I'm still here. Some aren't lucky enough to have that.

Always love, hate will get you every time. Love is so much better than hate. Love is hard, but if you hate, where does that get you in the end? You'll wind up hating yourself.

"At last" is the icon keyword for the icon I'm posting this entry with. Why, you ask? Because at last, I'm realizing what matters, and I'm free. I walk through life with my face to the world now, and in the words of Veronica Mars, I'm no longer that [sad] girl.

I've been held back by something, yeah, you said to me quietly on the stairs. I was held back, but I've broken free, and that's just the best feeling anyone could ever experience. I love feeling this way.

I used to think LJ was more harmful than helpful, and sometimes it is. But in the end, helpful wins - just thinking back on how much I've grown in the last week shows that. (Not physically, but mentally and emotionally.)

I love you all, no matter who you are. I love the hackers, because they've confessed to me (no, I won't tell you who it is, so please don't ask) and I've forgiven them and all is well. I love the ones I lost throughout all this drama, because they showed me the truth in myself, which was that I fucked up and it wasn't anyone else's fault. I love the ones I hurt for sticking by me, or even if you didn't stick by me, for leaving just to show me what an ass I was to you.

The weight is a gift. And it is, because without the heavy weight that I've been holding up all year, where would I be? Certainly not as able to handle tough situations as I am now. I'm equipped with the proper tools now, and while it sucked going through it, I'm on the other side, which I never thought I'd get to.

Always love. It means so much more to me now, and for that, I thank you.

I don't want to hurt you.

fixated — Sun, 16 Oct 2005 12:22:00 GMT

Doing this again. Yes, even at a "time like this" with all the drama that was going on. People are entitled to their own opinions at any time, and I just wanted to do this now. So have fun, lmfao.

If you have anything to say to the person who posts this, say it to them. If you love them, tell them. If you hate them, tell them. Whatever you have to say to this person, even if it's something you're having trouble saying, if the person posts this entry, say it to them. You may never get a chance to again, so just do it.

Reply to this (all will be screened)...just say it.

Anon posting is on and IP logging is off in addition to the screened comments.

One last post on this topic.

fixated — Sat, 15 Oct 2005 07:48:49 GMT

After reading all the comments, I've come to the conclusion that this does need one final post. If you don't accept my apology this time, that's your choice and I understand completely. But I won't be apologizing in posts after this, so take this or leave it.

I fucked up. Big time. I know I start petty little fights with friends, and I knew this before you guys brought it up, too - it's caused me problems in real life with friends before. I don't know what it is or where it comes from, but I have the natural instinct to bring wreckage to things that are going smoothly. I am a big drama queen (I know you know this) and it's most likely from just that: my dramatic tendencies.

I can blame this on the ship, but it wasn't the ship's fault. As many of you have said, the ship was just the domino that knocked into the others and caused them all to fall over. And we all fall down. But it's just that, the fact that there were problems behind the dominos, that is completely my fault. I don't know exactly what some people are angry at me for (if there's more than what you've told me), but I do know that what they're angry at me for is completely on the mark. You're right - this is my fault, I do get immature about fights, and I have a huge tendency to start fights/keep them going for absolutely no reason other than that I'm attracted to drama.

This all goes back to the fact that I want what I can't have. I think that's where the part of me that fucks up perfect things comes from. It's not good. I know that.

I could have reacted so much better in the whole situation, especially last night in the chat when I started acting like an idiot. (that was on purpose, FYI. I was so angry that I wanted to give you fuel. I regret it now.) And how disrespectful I've been to some people I called my closest friends? That, I think, is what I regret the most. Because none of you deserved any of it.

I love to be right. You know this, too, I'm sure. I have a huge problem admitting when I'm wrong, and that's also got a part in all of this. I couldn't just suck it up and admit that I was wrong in the whole situation - the meme, the cutting people from my list only because they were associated with people I thought might have bashed me, and the defriending of someone I called my best friend. While I wish you all hadn't gotten into the whole situation, I get where you're coming from. You were just trying to stick up for Maria, and I know I would've done the same thing if I was in your position.

If when I come back from hiatus, you still want time to think about all of this, that's fine. I'll give you that, no second thought needed. But what I do want is for you to forgive me eventually, because to lose all of you forever would really be the worst thing in this situation.

Fandom Friending Meme #2

fixated — Sat, 08 Oct 2005 17:18:18 GMT

By request of shibukyu, secretly, and loverswalk...

Fandom Friending Meme #2

So, it's fall and school has started up for everyone here on LJ yet again. It's a time to make new friends offline -- but also online! Since my last fandom friending meme was such a huge success (the comments ended at 4,236) I said yes when my friends asked me to do another. It's the same rules: copy and paste the following into a comment and fill out accordingly. Have fun, and get to know new people!

Enjoy. And PIMP THIS MEME LIKE CRAZY. If it's not successful, what's the point? ;)

Better when we're together.

fixated — Sat, 01 Oct 2005 07:09:13 GMT

So I know I just updated, but loverswalk is bugging me to do this meme, so I will!

If you have anything to say to the person who posts this, say it to them. If you love them, tell them. If you hate them, tell them. Whatever you have to say to this person, even if it's something you're having trouble saying, if the person posts this entry, say it to them. You may never get a chance to again, so just do it.

Reply to this (all will be screened)...just say it.

Anon posting is on and IP logging is off in addition to the screened comments.

ETA: Fixed the comments. Anonymous is now enabled.

Gilmore Girls - Rory/Jess - Treading Water

fixated — Thu, 11 Aug 2005 22:11:43 GMT

I've been working on this all night, and finally finished everything. It's basically just 10 songs I compiled from my music library that I feel represent Rory and Jess as a couple. But enough talk, here's the download info & cover art!

She Paints Me Blue - Something Corporate
Be Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata
Bad Boyfriend - Garbage
Angry Angel - Imogen Heap
Ready For Anything - Chris Thile
Treading Water - Nada Surf
You and Me - Lifehouse
Wonderwall - Ryan Adams
Cannonball - Damien Rice
Black Roses Red - Alana Grace
[ download ] & mirror
40.8 MB, 10 songs, cover art

Please comment if you download.

Also, pimping: _boxofmemories! My new icon community with fierytigress. Go friend it.

Anything Goes meme

fixated — Tue, 02 Aug 2005 21:30:07 GMT

Anything Goes Meme

It's Tuesday night (well, okay, 12:30 on Wednesday morning) and you probably have nothing better to do, so why not? Like the title says, anything goes. Picspams, random friending, whatever. Try to keep the wank to a minimum, but whatever. Pimp like crazy, but that's a given. Have fun! Remember, anything goes. Anon allowed, IPs unlogged.

Fanart Post 1

fixated — Mon, 01 Aug 2005 20:14:38 GMT

Alright, I've got something for every whoever/Hr ship besides D/Hr because I couldn't find any pictures. So here's an H/Hr wallpaper and an R/Hr wallpaper :D. No ship wars in comments plz.

800x600 | 1280x960 | 1024x768 | 1280x1024 | 1280x854 | 1152x768

800x600 | 1280x960 | 1024x768 | 1280x1024 | 1280x854 | 1152x768

Please comment. Also, an obvious rule -- credit me (if you take icons). reprieved.

Fandom Friending Meme

fixated — Sun, 24 Jul 2005 11:27:33 GMT

By request from secretly...
FANDOM FRIENDING MEME!

This hasn't been done in a long time, and I figured I'd start up the mid-summer friending again. All you have to do is copy & paste the following into a comment, fill it out, and hit Submit! Anyone can reply to your comment asking to friend you. It's recommended you friend the person/people back, but you don't have to. Have fun, and PIMP LIKE CRAZY.

P.S. Go friend icontragedy and join electricsounds.

EDIT: Gosh, I love everyone who's commented and pimped this meme. KEEP PIMPING! KEEP THE FRIENDING ALIVE!

Dawson's Creek Mood Theme - All Seasons

fixated — Wed, 20 Jul 2005 16:43:48 GMT

132 images, 8.2 MB zip file.
(download) - PLEASE right-click save as.
Please credit reprieved in your userinfo or on your layout when using.

Cross-posted to fandom_moods and mood_mania.

COMMENT IF TAKING.

Friends Only

fixated — Tue, 31 Aug 2004 08:46:08 GMT

Mandy: I can't believe you did that.
Veronica Mars: I can't believe that you didn't. If you want people to leave you alone, Mandy, or better yet, treat you with respect, demand it. Make them.