Let's talk about trauma
EMDR
Things have definitely improved between Max and I since I started this blog over a year ago. But this trip has proven that we have a lot to work on individually and together as partners.
But I guess we will get to that in another part. This blog is supposed to be about me, not just this marriage.
I wanted to tell you about my first EMDR session. We will get to the spice later.
Wednesday after I updated my blog, I had my first EMDR therapy session via a telehealth. I had high expectations going in. It definitely wasn’t what I thought it was going to be, and at first I thought maybe I had been recommended someone who wasn’t right for me. She asked me what my earliest memory was of me feeling inadequate, which was the negative thought I have decided to start with this new EMDR adventure.
“Kindergarten”, I said.
“Can you tell me about that?”
“I can’t remember the circumstances around it, but there was a boy. He was upset or just being mean for no reason. I know we were standing in the classroom and he said “no one will ever like you because you’re a stupid blond girl. No one likes blond girls.
“And when you think about this memory, what do you feel?”
“Fear.”
“Where do you feel that in your body?”
“In my stomach.”
“On a scale of 1-7 how severe is that fear?”
“2”
“On a scale of 1-7 when you think about this memory, how severe are those feelings of inadequacy in that moment.”
“5”
As she went on, my mind began to drift off thinking why she would be focusing on such a small insignificant moment compared to the rest. A memory that as an adult I have processed and can say that what he said wasn’t true or right. But she continued to press on, despite my obvious lack of enthusiasm.
She gave me instructions how to tap left and right, and gave me options to tap my shoulders, side or legs. I tried my shoulders first and crossed my arms over my chest to begin. She set the rhythm and then I continued to tap my hands on my shoulders in that same until she told me stop. I was to think about this memory. I want detail every single time I finished this tapping and the processing that followed each time, but I will give a little summary:
When I first went into that session and detailed the memory for her, I always remembered it from a perspective of either the back of my head and towards the kid being cruel to me, or from my POV. As the session went on, I began to see the scene as if I was looking at myself as a child in that moment. What I saw was a beautiful little girl trapped in a moment that should have never happen. I experienced anger at the adults that influenced his behavior and the adults that didn’t provide me with the right tools for that moment. Then I remembered my mom telling me something completely unhelpful in that moment, that they were just jealous of me. That the world loves and caters to little blond girls, which is completely problematic in and of itself, and a message I am glad that my level of self-confidence didn’t allow me to internalize. I cycled through feelings of confusion and loneliness, over feeling like the weird kid and not having any friends that I could turn to at the school.
She then had me continue the tapping and thinking about the memory, but by focusing on the words that I am enough and I am adequate no matter what. After a few of these tapping sessions, I began to see the little girl in the classroom, reading a book. Her head held high. She had everything she needed. Now when I think about the memory. I no longer see the little boys face. I see my own. The sweet little girl that deserved way more in that moment.
I never knew how this one tiny shift makes all the difference. I am really excited about this journey.
If you're struggling with anything, I am a supporter of finding a therapist you like. It's really been good for both of us. I don't know where we'd be without it right now.
When I come at you again with another update, I'll continue taking you along with me on my vacation to Louisville.
Hope y'all have a lovely day.
I remember feeling the exact same way when I first started EMDR. I kept thinking… why are we spending time on these small, almost random memories when the big trauma is right there?
My therapist gave me a metaphor that really stuck. She said it’s like tracking a hurricane. You don’t fly straight into the eye… you circle it, getting closer each time. We started with smaller triggers and nearby memories to gently map things out before getting too close to the center.
That helped me relax into the process a bit more. It’s definitely been slower than I imagined, but over time I can see that something real is shifting.
Wishing you a steady and insightful experience with it… and I’m really glad you’re sharing your journey.
I’ve been curious about EMDR. I actually took a mini course in it at work one time. But maybe could use it now….. and my husband too as he suffers terribly from IBS, physically and emotionally.
Thank you Fiona for sharing your powerful experience. ❤️🫶🏼