On free will
One of the concepts closest to my heart, most necessary for my happiness, is the one of free will, the concept that any achievements I make are mine, and that I deserve credit for it. That's one of the main reasons I fell so hard for Objectivism - it tells us just that. It's the opposite of socialism, which tells us that no matter how useless and incompetent we are, we'll still have food on our table. Objectivism tells us that if we don't work to eat, we'll starve, but if we work hard, we'll get paid, and we need suffer no guilt - not an ounce - because it's all our own work. It's a very seductive concept for the strong, those who know they will create their own food. But I can't say it's right, though it might nearly kill me, though it may virtually be the one thing that could bring me to a shivering shell.
Socialism is Objectivism's opposite, but it has another one, too - determinism. Determinism comes in a few forms; but essentially means that we have no self, and that we are no more than the exact sum total of our experiences, genes, upbringing, and random events (if there is such thing as 'random'). This struck deep dread fear in me - it means that morality, achievement, praise and damnation, everything, is utterly negated. How can you punish a murderer when the only reason he murdered was that he had such experiences and genes that he was predetermined so that it would be impossible for him to do anything else? Of course it would be unjust to punish him. It goes both ways, and this bit kills me the most - I was proud that I worked hard to make myself who I am, and more particularly, that when I met the most amazing girl I've ever met, I was good enough that she loved me as I do her, and she accepted when I asked her out. It was the most amazing compliment someone can recieve, that your personification of goodness considers you good, too. But if determinism is true, then I have done nothing to deserve her, I have done nothing good of my own free will in my life, and there is no reason she should have picked me over a pig, or a masochist - it means we're all equal, Nazi and philanthrope all. This is the kind of thing that will bring me to my knees and cry - that we are all worthless, every last one of us.I even said to myself that I thought I'd commit suicide if ever it were proved to be true.
Then - well I'm still alive, and intend to be, to still any worries - then, I found determinism had to be true. It all comes to the definition of free will - what is it? Nothing can come from nothing (unless someone solves the Big Bang theory, which could have all sorts of ramifications, but we can't assume anything about that, my statement stands). If our decisions are not made from our upbringing, or our genes, then what determines what we will do? Ourselves? That's no help. "Why did I do this? Because I said I would. Why did you say you would? Because I said I said I would." Infinite regression, absolutely useless. So something must make us choose, outside ourself - we cannot have uncaused causes. Though we may be affected by merely random events instead of traceable geneology, though we mayn't be able to plan out the Universe from Creation, it doesn't give us any more power over our lives, so is irrelevent.
So when I discovered this, my will to fight determinism just disappeared. It's all very well to try and fight for a side which has a sporting chance, but when you know that your side is a contradiction, you can no more fight for it than you can fight for a void. It feels like I haven't lost free will, because I never had it to begin with. But I don't know what to do now - shall I start rewarding people for sinning? Should I break up with my girlfriend because she is great, and at least knows that, and there are girls out there who have nothing good in them, and so a boyfriend would be something? I'd die first. I feel broken. I hope it will pass. But for now, at least, I really, really need to see you. Or go to sleep for a decade.
Socialism is Objectivism's opposite, but it has another one, too - determinism. Determinism comes in a few forms; but essentially means that we have no self, and that we are no more than the exact sum total of our experiences, genes, upbringing, and random events (if there is such thing as 'random'). This struck deep dread fear in me - it means that morality, achievement, praise and damnation, everything, is utterly negated. How can you punish a murderer when the only reason he murdered was that he had such experiences and genes that he was predetermined so that it would be impossible for him to do anything else? Of course it would be unjust to punish him. It goes both ways, and this bit kills me the most - I was proud that I worked hard to make myself who I am, and more particularly, that when I met the most amazing girl I've ever met, I was good enough that she loved me as I do her, and she accepted when I asked her out. It was the most amazing compliment someone can recieve, that your personification of goodness considers you good, too. But if determinism is true, then I have done nothing to deserve her, I have done nothing good of my own free will in my life, and there is no reason she should have picked me over a pig, or a masochist - it means we're all equal, Nazi and philanthrope all. This is the kind of thing that will bring me to my knees and cry - that we are all worthless, every last one of us.I even said to myself that I thought I'd commit suicide if ever it were proved to be true.
Then - well I'm still alive, and intend to be, to still any worries - then, I found determinism had to be true. It all comes to the definition of free will - what is it? Nothing can come from nothing (unless someone solves the Big Bang theory, which could have all sorts of ramifications, but we can't assume anything about that, my statement stands). If our decisions are not made from our upbringing, or our genes, then what determines what we will do? Ourselves? That's no help. "Why did I do this? Because I said I would. Why did you say you would? Because I said I said I would." Infinite regression, absolutely useless. So something must make us choose, outside ourself - we cannot have uncaused causes. Though we may be affected by merely random events instead of traceable geneology, though we mayn't be able to plan out the Universe from Creation, it doesn't give us any more power over our lives, so is irrelevent.
So when I discovered this, my will to fight determinism just disappeared. It's all very well to try and fight for a side which has a sporting chance, but when you know that your side is a contradiction, you can no more fight for it than you can fight for a void. It feels like I haven't lost free will, because I never had it to begin with. But I don't know what to do now - shall I start rewarding people for sinning? Should I break up with my girlfriend because she is great, and at least knows that, and there are girls out there who have nothing good in them, and so a boyfriend would be something? I'd die first. I feel broken. I hope it will pass. But for now, at least, I really, really need to see you. Or go to sleep for a decade.