No apologies.
Hee hee, you were expecting a synopsis of my crazy weekend with friends, weren't you? I'm afraid you won't be getting one, though, m'dear. I mean, first, what is there to tell? It was lots of fun and we did lots of different things, but it's my life and the best way to find out about it is to be there WITH me. Nothing too out of the ordinary happened, except that I spent probably far too much on food this weekend, but hey, it's all good!
Just very thoughtful today. Every once in awhile you'll have those moments where you sit back and look at your life like it's someone else's, when you can detach yourself from your own existence and just think .
I'm having one of those moments now. And I'm feeling oddly at peace with myself, despite the fact that I have come to the almost unshakeable conclusion that Courtney, my roommate, simply does not like me. Ah, but wait. Normally you'd either hear me complaining at this point or saying "FUCK IT!" but that's not quite how I feel at the moment. Right at this moment, I just want to say.... that's not important. If she hated me, and wanted me to die, or something lovely like that, I might be a bit more concerned, but she doesn't. I think I simply rub her the wrong way on many different levels, which, as you all know, just happens sometimes. So, what can you do?
I think.... that I've unknowingly been doing some things for the wrong reasons recently. Most notably, to please other people. And it's been a variety of people at different times, but some people more than others, I suppose. This is not a litany of excuses, either, because I also think that I have nothing to apologize for. I just know that I am a happy person and I want to make OTHER people happy, so that they can be happy with me. But..... you can't make other people happy. You can't MAKE anyone feel ANYTHING. They let you do it. And I have to do things for myself, because *I* think it's the right thing to do, and stop apologizing for just being myself. Basically, I'm me, here I am, if you don't like it, well deal with it as best you can. I'm not going to tell you to fuck off because I'm not angry, but I see no reason to change myself for anyone other than me.
1.) I am, quite possibly, one of the happiest and most energetic people you will ever meet. If I was a computer and had a set of default settings, one of them would be "happy" and another one would be "hyper". This is not the same as saying I can never be serious. I simply prefer to take a lighter, more humorous way of looking at things unless the situation calls for it. I'd rather not waste most of my life being serious if I can avoid it, thank you very much, it's already much too serious in many ways for my liking. If it's a shitty situation and yet I can still find the humor or irony in it, that just gives me one less headache and one less grey hair, doesn't it? Extra points for me if the shitty situation is my own fault. Being pissy about it usually doesn't do any good.
2.) I am both extremely intelligent and extremely scatterbrained. I'm not tooting my own horn here, folks, it's just the simple truth. And I've been scatter-brained my whole life---it may get controlled a bit, but it's not going to change. The truth is, I am always thinking about a million different things, and my mind just goes too fast to concentrate on some things as long as I probably should. This
3.) Does the word "emotional" mean anything to you? I believe that it's not worth doing if you're going to do a half-arsed job, and that goes for emotions as well. If you think I'm over-reacting, well, your problem not mine. I invest a lot of emotion in the things I think are important and as a result that means that sometimes I take things harder than you think I ought to. Also, I get obsessive easily. A lot of things can hardly hold my attention at all and if I find something that really interests me then I don't fool around. It's just the way I function.
4.) On the subject? I am a creature that needs to be loved, and to be reassured that she is loved. This has to do with the fact that I am quick to invest emotion in people. I am very loving and very trusting and while it's true that I do have high self-esteem and belief in myself, it's nice to know that other people have as high an opinion of me as I do.
5.) I am a very, very physical person. (pervs, stop now!) This means: I love you, I hug you. If I'm agitated, I pace. If I'm happy, I'll probably be in motion, whether it's clapping my hands with glee or dancing or just kind of swaying around. If excess motion bothers you, I'm sorry, but that is one of the way I express myself. this is not to stay that I will not shut my trap if you get me going. I have the tendency to sort of let my thoughts spill out of my mouth as they happen, but it's only because I lurve you dearly and want to share them with you. If I think you're shite I'll be as silent as a grave.
6.) I am also a very musical person. 10 years of piano lessons, plus playing flute and sax for varying lengths of time, will do that to a person. I almost always have some sort of melody in my head, and will, at varying times, be singing, humming, or just sort of nodding my head. I also love to share music that I enjoy with others.
In fact, I probably think of you in terms of music. Some people have voices in their heads; I have a few of those too, but more than that, I have a soundtrack.
7.) I've spent almost an hour on this post. Now how about that?
8.) I value my friends and the people I love above anything else on the face of the planet. I wish there were a way to put into words how deeply I care for the people I'm proud to call my friends, and to express how much I appreciate all they've done for me, both physically and spiritually. I never really had friends until I moved to Ohio, because as soon as I made some and started to get close to them, we'd move. So, the fact that I am as close to you people as I am, is a deeply rewarding and fantastic experience. And this not a metaphor or an exaggeration: I would throw myself in front of a bus for my friends, in an instant, with no regrets at all.
9.) I am the poster child for impulsiveness. This probably stems, at least in part, from my shitty tendency to be rather indecisive. I hate, Hate, HATE waffling and the fact that I sometimes do it makes me hate it even more!! I try my hardest to make good decisions, especially if they are important, but I'm not always successful.
10.) I try my damndest to be honest, in my words and in my actions. Being dishonest makes me feel somewhere between soiled and impure. If I make you a promise, I have every intention of keeping it, and I mean every compliment I've ever given. And I try my hardest to avoid telling you little white lies. This doesn't mean I'm always successful. But being reliable is something I would very much like to think I am, and try to be. I want my friends to believe that they can count on me in their hard times and have me there with them in their good times, too.
If LJ eats this, heads will roll. Now, I'm off to veg. I've spent the whole weekend being focused and to task, and I think I deserve some unfocused time! :-D
Just very thoughtful today. Every once in awhile you'll have those moments where you sit back and look at your life like it's someone else's, when you can detach yourself from your own existence and just think .
I'm having one of those moments now. And I'm feeling oddly at peace with myself, despite the fact that I have come to the almost unshakeable conclusion that Courtney, my roommate, simply does not like me. Ah, but wait. Normally you'd either hear me complaining at this point or saying "FUCK IT!" but that's not quite how I feel at the moment. Right at this moment, I just want to say.... that's not important. If she hated me, and wanted me to die, or something lovely like that, I might be a bit more concerned, but she doesn't. I think I simply rub her the wrong way on many different levels, which, as you all know, just happens sometimes. So, what can you do?
I think.... that I've unknowingly been doing some things for the wrong reasons recently. Most notably, to please other people. And it's been a variety of people at different times, but some people more than others, I suppose. This is not a litany of excuses, either, because I also think that I have nothing to apologize for. I just know that I am a happy person and I want to make OTHER people happy, so that they can be happy with me. But..... you can't make other people happy. You can't MAKE anyone feel ANYTHING. They let you do it. And I have to do things for myself, because *I* think it's the right thing to do, and stop apologizing for just being myself. Basically, I'm me, here I am, if you don't like it, well deal with it as best you can. I'm not going to tell you to fuck off because I'm not angry, but I see no reason to change myself for anyone other than me.
1.) I am, quite possibly, one of the happiest and most energetic people you will ever meet. If I was a computer and had a set of default settings, one of them would be "happy" and another one would be "hyper". This is not the same as saying I can never be serious. I simply prefer to take a lighter, more humorous way of looking at things unless the situation calls for it. I'd rather not waste most of my life being serious if I can avoid it, thank you very much, it's already much too serious in many ways for my liking. If it's a shitty situation and yet I can still find the humor or irony in it, that just gives me one less headache and one less grey hair, doesn't it? Extra points for me if the shitty situation is my own fault. Being pissy about it usually doesn't do any good.
2.) I am both extremely intelligent and extremely scatterbrained. I'm not tooting my own horn here, folks, it's just the simple truth. And I've been scatter-brained my whole life---it may get controlled a bit, but it's not going to change. The truth is, I am always thinking about a million different things, and my mind just goes too fast to concentrate on some things as long as I probably should. This
3.) Does the word "emotional" mean anything to you? I believe that it's not worth doing if you're going to do a half-arsed job, and that goes for emotions as well. If you think I'm over-reacting, well, your problem not mine. I invest a lot of emotion in the things I think are important and as a result that means that sometimes I take things harder than you think I ought to. Also, I get obsessive easily. A lot of things can hardly hold my attention at all and if I find something that really interests me then I don't fool around. It's just the way I function.
4.) On the subject? I am a creature that needs to be loved, and to be reassured that she is loved. This has to do with the fact that I am quick to invest emotion in people. I am very loving and very trusting and while it's true that I do have high self-esteem and belief in myself, it's nice to know that other people have as high an opinion of me as I do.
5.) I am a very, very physical person. (pervs, stop now!) This means: I love you, I hug you. If I'm agitated, I pace. If I'm happy, I'll probably be in motion, whether it's clapping my hands with glee or dancing or just kind of swaying around. If excess motion bothers you, I'm sorry, but that is one of the way I express myself. this is not to stay that I will not shut my trap if you get me going. I have the tendency to sort of let my thoughts spill out of my mouth as they happen, but it's only because I lurve you dearly and want to share them with you. If I think you're shite I'll be as silent as a grave.
6.) I am also a very musical person. 10 years of piano lessons, plus playing flute and sax for varying lengths of time, will do that to a person. I almost always have some sort of melody in my head, and will, at varying times, be singing, humming, or just sort of nodding my head. I also love to share music that I enjoy with others.
In fact, I probably think of you in terms of music. Some people have voices in their heads; I have a few of those too, but more than that, I have a soundtrack.
7.) I've spent almost an hour on this post. Now how about that?
8.) I value my friends and the people I love above anything else on the face of the planet. I wish there were a way to put into words how deeply I care for the people I'm proud to call my friends, and to express how much I appreciate all they've done for me, both physically and spiritually. I never really had friends until I moved to Ohio, because as soon as I made some and started to get close to them, we'd move. So, the fact that I am as close to you people as I am, is a deeply rewarding and fantastic experience. And this not a metaphor or an exaggeration: I would throw myself in front of a bus for my friends, in an instant, with no regrets at all.
9.) I am the poster child for impulsiveness. This probably stems, at least in part, from my shitty tendency to be rather indecisive. I hate, Hate, HATE waffling and the fact that I sometimes do it makes me hate it even more!! I try my hardest to make good decisions, especially if they are important, but I'm not always successful.
10.) I try my damndest to be honest, in my words and in my actions. Being dishonest makes me feel somewhere between soiled and impure. If I make you a promise, I have every intention of keeping it, and I mean every compliment I've ever given. And I try my hardest to avoid telling you little white lies. This doesn't mean I'm always successful. But being reliable is something I would very much like to think I am, and try to be. I want my friends to believe that they can count on me in their hard times and have me there with them in their good times, too.
If LJ eats this, heads will roll. Now, I'm off to veg. I've spent the whole weekend being focused and to task, and I think I deserve some unfocused time! :-D