I'll give YOU Cold Hard Bitch.
To the man who left his dog tied up outside our deck while he went into the bar to party it up: You are an unqualified prick. That poor animal sat in the sun while you boozed it up and whined and cried because it was hot and thirsty and had almost no room to move. You irritated my other customers who felt bad for your pet and couldn't concentrate on their meals or drinks because of its crying. I hope you choke on the olive in your over-priced drink, you self-centered son of a bitch. That poor dog was still there when I left.
To the table of four who left me a twelve dollar tip even after their order was fucked to high holy hell: Thank you. Thank you for recognizing that the mistakes were not my fault, and that I worked very hard to correct what happened. Thank you for recognizing that it wasn't the cook's fault, either, and that your halibut simply came from a bad batch. You were patient, kind, and understanding, and I wish I had more customers like you.
To the table of two who, after giving me their order, and after I had put said order into the computer, LEFT THE RESTAURANT FOR NO REASON AT ALL: I want to throttle you. You are both stupid, rude, FUCKING ASSHOLES. And if I ever find you, I'll have you arrested for de-frauding a restaurant, because not only was what you did RUDE, it was ILLEGAL. We made the food that you ordered, and you did not pay for it. I don't care if you didn't eat it or not. Fuck off.
To the woman on the deck who stared in numb shock as a seagull with a bad case of the shits made a deposit directly into her Corona (and I mean DIRECTLY INTO THE BOTTLE NECK): Lady, I am so sorry, but THAT WAS FUNNY AS SHIT. I had to run into the back room so I could laugh hysterically in peace. And you weren't even my table. What's really funny is that the seagull kept SHITTING and you didn't have the brains to move, so as a consequence, not only was your drink...richer, but your shirt and purse both got splattered, too. I hope the rest of your day went better, but thank you for the laugh.
To Dori, our bartender: You look like Joaquin Phoenix and I have the urge to giggle every time I come pick up a drink order. Don't take it personally.
To the cook who meows at me everytime I come get an order, and keeps asking when he gets to hear me purr, because my name is Kat: Do you know the meaning of the words FUCK OFF AND DIE? JUST BECAUSE I AM AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HARASS ME. You make me so angry, I've been pissed for the better part of two hours, and if you try that bullshit on me one more time, you're getting a punch in the face. I don't care if they fire me. You need to Shut the Fuck Up, you stupid, sexist, JERK. Words cannot even describe how much I want to HURT YOU.
To the men at the bar who leer at me practically every single day, because they apparently have nowhere better to be: See above. I am both tall and sexy, and I wear clothes that look good on me. Does this translate into "please hit on me and tell me to 'smile for us, pretty girl'?" No. No, it does not. I think you must be related to our cook. Why don't all of you take the next boat out, fall overboard, and drown? Trust me, no one will miss you.
To the TWO SEPARATE FUCKS who commented that they can't understand why I don't have a boyfriend: Has it ever occurred to anyone that perhaps I am not dating anyone because I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH IT? I am smart. Very smart. I am pretty, I am capable, I am talented, I am friendly. I have more good friends that I don't know what I would do without, I have a supportive, wonderful family, I'm good at my job, I'm doing what I want to do. I will be returning to university in the fall. I will visit more places in this world than you can probably find on a map. THE QUALITY AND SUCCESS OF MY LIFE DOES NOT DEPEND ON THERE BEING SOMEONE IN IT. SO KINDLY FUCK OFF AND DIE AND STOP ACTING LIKE I'M LESS OF A PERSON BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND TO FAUN OVER.
Okay, I'm done.
To the table of four who left me a twelve dollar tip even after their order was fucked to high holy hell: Thank you. Thank you for recognizing that the mistakes were not my fault, and that I worked very hard to correct what happened. Thank you for recognizing that it wasn't the cook's fault, either, and that your halibut simply came from a bad batch. You were patient, kind, and understanding, and I wish I had more customers like you.
To the table of two who, after giving me their order, and after I had put said order into the computer, LEFT THE RESTAURANT FOR NO REASON AT ALL: I want to throttle you. You are both stupid, rude, FUCKING ASSHOLES. And if I ever find you, I'll have you arrested for de-frauding a restaurant, because not only was what you did RUDE, it was ILLEGAL. We made the food that you ordered, and you did not pay for it. I don't care if you didn't eat it or not. Fuck off.
To the woman on the deck who stared in numb shock as a seagull with a bad case of the shits made a deposit directly into her Corona (and I mean DIRECTLY INTO THE BOTTLE NECK): Lady, I am so sorry, but THAT WAS FUNNY AS SHIT. I had to run into the back room so I could laugh hysterically in peace. And you weren't even my table. What's really funny is that the seagull kept SHITTING and you didn't have the brains to move, so as a consequence, not only was your drink...richer, but your shirt and purse both got splattered, too. I hope the rest of your day went better, but thank you for the laugh.
To Dori, our bartender: You look like Joaquin Phoenix and I have the urge to giggle every time I come pick up a drink order. Don't take it personally.
To the cook who meows at me everytime I come get an order, and keeps asking when he gets to hear me purr, because my name is Kat: Do you know the meaning of the words FUCK OFF AND DIE? JUST BECAUSE I AM AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HARASS ME. You make me so angry, I've been pissed for the better part of two hours, and if you try that bullshit on me one more time, you're getting a punch in the face. I don't care if they fire me. You need to Shut the Fuck Up, you stupid, sexist, JERK. Words cannot even describe how much I want to HURT YOU.
To the men at the bar who leer at me practically every single day, because they apparently have nowhere better to be: See above. I am both tall and sexy, and I wear clothes that look good on me. Does this translate into "please hit on me and tell me to 'smile for us, pretty girl'?" No. No, it does not. I think you must be related to our cook. Why don't all of you take the next boat out, fall overboard, and drown? Trust me, no one will miss you.
To the TWO SEPARATE FUCKS who commented that they can't understand why I don't have a boyfriend: Has it ever occurred to anyone that perhaps I am not dating anyone because I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH IT? I am smart. Very smart. I am pretty, I am capable, I am talented, I am friendly. I have more good friends that I don't know what I would do without, I have a supportive, wonderful family, I'm good at my job, I'm doing what I want to do. I will be returning to university in the fall. I will visit more places in this world than you can probably find on a map. THE QUALITY AND SUCCESS OF MY LIFE DOES NOT DEPEND ON THERE BEING SOMEONE IN IT. SO KINDLY FUCK OFF AND DIE AND STOP ACTING LIKE I'M LESS OF A PERSON BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND TO FAUN OVER.
Okay, I'm done.