i don't know why i'm here, just randomly rambling cuz i felt like typing. don't really have 2 get anything off my mind, just felt the need to do SOMETHING. i think i let off most of my feelings writing to jacques and paco, sent them nice long emails. hoo boy, when i rant, man do i rant! i can go on for pages and pages on the most randomest stuff, stuff you wonder, "where the HELL did that come from?!", but if it's on my mind, i write it down. la di da di da di da...sigh. i don't know what's wrong w/ me. when me and paco were going out, i had no problem not hanging out w/ him on saturdays or whatever, i didn't feel like such a loser or alone. ugh, but now that i kno i'm sitting home doing fucking chores on a saturday nite and playing ddr w/ neil while he's out on a date...man this sux ass. oh well, tis life, huh? c'est la fucking vie. i should be used to dealing w/ stuff like this by now. well, i was always a loner, so i guess it's time for me to take up that lifestyle again. man, i even used to LIKE being a loner. now look at me. well, i'd better get used 2 it and deal w/ the changes i gotta make. can't figure shit out if i keep trying to shut it out w/ other ppl. i really need 2 take up meditation. good way to shut off my brain and just chillax. man i hate mornings. mornings are when i'm at my gloomiest. at least i did my ironing yesterday, so all i gots 2 do is the dishes and my late ass speech homework. paco's supposed 2 come by later, hope it doesn't end up disappointing me. i'm getting so tired of my family asking me "Where's Paco?" and me having to tell them, "Oh, he's busy" or "Oh, he's got work." Sure it's all the truth, but w/ tactful omissions here and there. yes, i still haven't told anyone yet. my mom's still the only one who knows. i guess i prefer it thta way. sure as hell don't want grandma 2 know. nolan's an idiot and neil's 2 innocent, he'd probably gab 2 my grandma on accident. ritchie'll probably try 2 talk 2 me about it and i don't wanna hear it. daddy...idk how i feel about daddy knowing. mommy said she doesn't wanna tell him in case me and paco ever get back 2gether. she doens't wanna make it seem on-again off-again. i hate those kinda relationships. paco even told my mom 2 wait til the end of april 2 c. my mom thinks he's still way 2 confused and keeps flip-flopping b/t me and nicole and i agree. as fast as i want a conclusion to this, hasty decisions on either of our parts will just end badly. especially on his part. me, i'll figure things out, take things one step at a time. him...i don't think i'm the one he needs. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't. it's not that i don't think i'm not good enuff for him, exactly, it's just that i think he needs someone who can give him all that he needs, and i don't know if that person is me. i don't kno if i'm capable of giving him all that he needs and deserves. and i'm not sure if he is for me either. when i get to thinking like this, i don't know if it's my logic or my insecurities talking. that's my main problem, i can't tell the difference.