Neverlander

Believe it or not...

2012-07-12T05:33:23Z

I'm not actually dead.

Life has been interesting lately...Started this DBT therapy group and have a new individual therapist (who I'm not sure I like), so that's been keeping me busy. The group is at a nearby (mental) hospital that deals with both in- and outpatients, which is, mercifully, within walking distance of my house, so I'm not going to complain about that too much. This lovely fun stuff happens on Tuesdays, 9:30-2:30, and then I trek out to Bondi (yes, home of the famous beach) to see this inordinately expensive woman ($220 per hour!). She's really not bad at all when it comes to her practice -- clearly she knows what she's doing and she comes very highly recommended -- but she looks uncannily like my ex-stepmother and that really throws me. I mean, the woman was a nut...Still is...and unabashedly so, so seeing someone who looks remarkably like her in a therapeutic context is more than a little unsettling.

As for the situation with my meds, my Psychiatrist and I are both comfortable with how things are going so far. No horrible side-effects (aside from tremours and the driest dry-mouth ever), so I'm not unhappy with that, and the moodstabilisers are doing just fine, so I can't complain about that either. It's a nice change, I must admit, to not be horribly suicidal or wishing to do terrible damage to myself. I'd forgotten what a little bit of stability is like...It also made me acutely aware of how bad things have been and for how long. I'm not sure when the last time I've felt like this was. I mean, don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect and I'm not about to pretend that they are, but things are settling down and I have the room to be a lot more objective when it comes to my moods and behaviours. I'm much more firmly in the driver's seat here. Most pleased.

I'm on break from uni which ends July 30th. Fortunately my classes don't start until the 1st, so I have a little time beforehand to get my book together. My classes this semester fall mostly on one day, Wednesday, which is cool, since I don't have to do much running around the place. Originally I was in the Wednesday DBT group because it clashed with last semester's timetable, but I asked if I could be moved to the Tuesday group to avoid clashing with classes for this semester. I was surprised at how easy it was and how easy-going the people who run the program are...They just slotted me right in with no problem at all. There was a vacancy in that group for that day, so it all worked in my favour. So, aside from doing these various and sundry therapy-type things, I really haven't been up to much. Lots of staying in bed until 2pm, not a lot of set routine lately, which is making me a bit stir crazy. Today, for example, I went to my appointment in Bondi and got home to be greeted by an empty house...I knew that sitting around doing more of nothing would make me a little nuts, so I -- and no one is more shocked than I am -- did a load of washing, dealt with the dishwasher, put the rubbish out and cleaned my room. And I mean, really cleaned it...My desk actually looks like a desk, now, rather than a precariously piled book mountain topped with my Mac. It has a flat surface and everything. Had to Tetris some of my books onto my shelves (definitely out of shelf space now), but all in all, not too shabby. Must say, though, it's a weird feeling to be sitting at a desk...I'm also aware of how strange that feeling is...Heaps of people sit at desks all the time and do so with very little to do...

There's really not much else that requires a mention at this point. My life is fairly unremarkable...Even I find me boring.

I trust you are all well xx

feanix @ 2012-06-06T17:58:00

2012-06-06T07:58:28Z

So, I've been busy as hell...Trying to keep this train on the tracks, you know?

Gone up on some of my medications (Lamictal and Seroquel) and might have to switch antidepressants soon. I think the mood stabilisers are doing a decent job, but I don't feel better, if you know what I mean. So I think something has to give. Hopefully I can expect more, eh?

Today I went to my first DBT pre-treatment appointment. I think there will be a couple more before the program starts on the 19th. I'm not yet as freaked out as I could be, so I guess that's something. The woman whose name I can't remember was pretty cool...Even though I had to rehash everything right from the beginning up until recently, which is always a pain in the ass, but still, she was OK. It's a nice change from people who don't know their ass from their elbow or people who've never had a bad day. Urgh. Anyway, this DBT thing is a year long course of therapy...One full day a week for a year. Looking forward to it? No. Interested? A tad. I think the biggest thing is I'm quite literally at the end of my rope. I can't do this anymore, you know? I feel like this is just about all I have left in me....So, one last ditch effort, and all that.

Still not sure about admission. I'm going to wait until exams are over before anything definite happens, and I also have to (preferably) wait for two months or so until our new health cover kicks in. We've pretty much always had private health insurance, but I'm kind of at the point where I need better care (God, I even hate typing that) and if I have to pay through the nose for it, then so be it. You have to do what you have to do, right? It's like I'm haemorrhaging money over here, but still. A couple of months and then Medicare will kick in to take some of the weight off. I think everything I've spent so far can be reimbursed, so it's not so bad, but when you watch the numbers adding up it makes one's blood run cold. But yeah, so I'm going to hold off, if I can, to decided whether admission would be a decent idea...I mean, if I end up changing medications, I'd much prefer to be doing that in a decent environment because the medication I'm on (Lovan) has a really long half-life and you have to wait til it's all out of your system before moving to something else, so you have to taper down and then have a week or so free of the antidepressant so you're clear to start something else. I'm not looking especially forward to trying to work something like that out of my system, but surely I can expect more than this.

So yeah. Uni's just about done for the semester, so all of this couldn't have come at a better time. I've done my exam for Language, Brain and Mind, which did not go swimmingly, and still have a paper to write for Corpus Linguistics and a take-home exam for Modern Irish Literature. Pretty chuffed that we get that last one for a week, so that should take the heat off a bit. It's just two 1000 word essays ;) can't complain about that. The Corpus paper isn't going to be much fun, though, so I guess that kind of makes up for it.

Hope you guys are faring much better than I am xx

feanix @ 2012-05-18T15:36:00

2012-05-18T05:36:23Z

I should stop apologising for not posting more frequently, I mean, I really do have quite a lot on my plate right now, but really, sorry :) I hate not being as regularly online as I normally am. I just have no focus, drive or any type of concentration right now. Urgh.

Anyway, saw the new doctor the day before last (Wednesday) to check in about the many and various (OK, only two) medications and to see where stuff is kind of headed. A new drug has been thrown into the mix, Seroquel, and I'm not totally down with that. I've been on Seroquel before and while it does have its pros, and it really does, the cons are irritating, too. For example, dry mouth; doesn't sound that serious at all, and ordinarily it'd be completely manageable, but because my antidepressant also causes dry mouth, I almost literally have no spit. None. I could try to spit at someone and they'd end up being covered in a light sheen of dust. DUST. Seroquel is also known to cause weight gain (not as badly as Zyprexa), which I'm not at all comfortable with because I have a thing about weight (believe it or not), and I often go through cycles of eating normally and then cycles of disordered eating patterns. I feel like gaining some weight wouldn't be awful, but a lot would be problematic. I guess that's a wait-and-see type thing. Ideally it ought to be helping me sleep, but so far, no good. Seroquel combined with Lamictal should put me completely out, lol, but it's all still settling down. I can take 25-50 mg, so I guess I'll see what's what with the 50 mg before I get too worried about it. I'll just have to make sure I don't have anything important to do the following day, lol. I guess the point of the Seroquel is that it kind of keeps things together a bit...I've been on it in the past and it slowed down the self-injury thing quite a bit and made some room for me to get through it, which I (mostly) appreciated. So, everything is kind of contained right now which is a good/bad thing. I can maybe get some shit done, but also emoting is a little problematic because I've been rendered docile by the medication. Not happy, don't get confused, but just made more quiet. Not a lot of fun, but I guess it could be worse. The Lamictal is going fine. The dose has increased from 50 to 75 mg, and it's not that bad. Causes the weirdest fucking dreams I think I've ever had. Honestly, some weird shit has been going on. Also, Lamictal tastes kind of blackberry-ish, so that's not bad, either.

As for all the uni stuff, I'm just hanging in there by the skin of my teeth. I'm still going, but doing any work is damn near impossible, which is a downer, what with having to do assessments and all, but it keeps me occupied and I've been aware or ages that I don't do well at all in an unstructured environment. Today I've applied for Special Consideration (ooh, fancy) to get some deadlines extended. I have an assignment due on Monday (yeah, yeah, poor student trying to shirk due dates, lol) which I've not at all been able to focus on or give any thought to. I can get an extension up to 20 days, so that should allow for things to settle down and stuff. I guess, failing that, I could get a DNF (Discontinue Not Fail) to avoid failing anything and having that both on my transcript and in my head, but that's kind of last resort sort of stuff, so I'll wait it out.

Nothing much besides the above has been happening...I guess I mostly spend my time being unwell and trying to keep my head above water. It's exhausting as hell and I'm not sure how I'm still going through the motions, but I'm trying to carry on to avoid hospitalisation. I know that the second I lose control or cease to function, that's where I'll end up. Not the worst thing in the world, but it's not what I planned. I'm kind of in the middle of things, you know? Lol. I think if things haven't looked up by the semester break, then I could defer a semester and do what I need to do more intensively then, but I hate interruptions, so I'll try to keep it together for as long as I can.

Fuck, all of that sounds bleak as hell, but it's been considerably worse in the past. I'm just stupidly tired. No sleep and all that makes one a bit weird. Anyways, I hope that you all are doing better than I am :)

This is going to be long and irritating. Sorry in advance.

2012-05-04T03:03:34Z

So, it's not "yesterday" as such (see previous entry for context), but here I am nonetheless.

I met with my new psychiatrist (just typing that makes me feel crazy) on Wednesday and had what felt like a billion hour conversation. All of the background stuff, etc, etc...Pretty much talked about everything that has ever happened in my life. I hate that stuff. Anyway, long story short, he agrees with the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD, AKA Melancholic Depression), and said that he was running through a list of symptoms and behaviours in his head as we were talking and thought that Borderline Personality Disorder fit the bill also.

I'm not so sure how I feel about this new label. Not that it doesn't fit stupidly well: Chronic sense of emptiness and distance, alternating between idealising and demonising significant people in one's life i.e. unstable interpersonal relationships, treating one's body particularly badly for no real reason, unstable self-image, impulsivity....The list goes on for quite a long way and it does, objectively, make a lot of sense. I really have always felt different from other people (not that I know how other people feel, of course), and have kind of always thought that my emotions -- such as they are -- are different, or appear different from those of other people...For example, I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a terribly empathetic person...Which makes me sound awful...But over time I have managed to learn appropriate social responses and have learned how to behave empathetically. Which makes me sound like a sociopath, lol, which I'm fairly sure I'm not. I've just never felt particularly close to many people, always kind of felt like a bit of an outsider for no real reason...It's not like I've ever behaved in a peculiar way to distance myself from other people, it's just that I've never really felt like I fit in. Like I'm kind of an impostor...I can behave the right way and I can say the right things, but I don't know that they come from a genuine place. Which also makes me sound like an asshole...Which sometimes I am because I'm not always affected by things that other people do or say. Or feel.

Wow. This is turning into a weird, windy and polluted stream of thought. Let's end that, shall we?

Anyway, my new doctor (whose first name is Clayton, believe it or not) has suggested that I do a year course of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) in both individual and group settings. Again, makes me feel crazier than I am. Fuck, I hate group therapy...I always have. I never know what to do or say. There's no manual for how one should behave in those situations. Anyway, I may be mistaken, but to me, judging by what I've read recently, DBT sounds like an emotional shock-collar. No, you can't do or say this or that because it's not how other people behave. I'm not a child and I don't really need to be treated like one. But, I guess if this thing is going to be at all useful, it's going to help with how I conduct myself in relationships (I have a stunningly bad track record here...They're going to leave you anyway so take control and make them hate you. Healthy) because at this rate I'm never going to be emotionally equipped to be someone's partner and/or, eventually, someone's parent. And I can't stand the thought of destroying my own family.

As I'm sure you can see that I'm vacillating between this being a decent diagnosis and it being a misguided one. I don't really know how to feel or what to think about the whole thing...I don't know what I should do or should be doing. I don't know much about much right now.

Also I started on a new medication called Lamictal. It's primarily used as an anticonvulsant to treat epileptics, but it's off-label use is as a mood stabiliser. The off-label thing means it's not covered by the PBS and therefore it's stupidly expensive. Anyway, not much in the way of side effects right now save for stunning headaches and the weirdest, most vivid dreams I think I've ever had. The doctor said it should help me sleep, too, but no evidence of that so far. As the dose increases there will probably be cognitive difficulties like memory problems, slowed thinking (good for the racing thoughts, but not good for productivity), lack of focus etc etc. This is lovingly known as "The Stupids". I'm not looking forward to that. Anyway, I'm going to give this whole thing one good, proper try. I guess I owe myself that much.

Hope you all are well xox

feanix @ 2012-05-01T17:29:00

2012-05-01T07:29:32Z

Holy crap, I've been busy, lol.

Finished that 1000 word assignment and managed to hand it in (only a day late) and I handed in my 2000 word paper for Modern Irish Literature today. So busy. And so exhausted.

Really haven't had much time to sit lately, just so busy with uni and appointments here and there.

Got an appointment tomorrow morning with a private psychiatrist. Oh, what a treat *sarcasm*. He comes highly recommended by my doctor who referred me, so I feel alright about that, but the whole thing is so expensive. Seriously, I might as well become a shrink myself...This guy is $350 per hour. Thanks God for medicare, which should take care of about 2/3 of the cost. Eventually. I'm not happy about how this is going to eat into my savings, either, but I guess that's what that money is there for. Urgh. One session with this guy costs more than my stupidly expensive new coat...Which I haven't even been able to wear yet...OK, no more talking about the money. It's starting to make me feel nauseous.

I really haven't been up to much else...

I saw Henry Rollins talk on stage for three hours on Friday :) He's too good, really. Extremely intelligent and hilarious. I can't believe I don't have a single one of his books...Should rectify this ASAP. And Saturday, even though I should have been working on my essay/studying, my brother and I went with our dad on a ghost tour. Hurrah. Much walking, interesting stories, weird as hell tour guide, but all in all, not that bad.

Anyway, just a quick update to let you all know I'm still here, lol, and I'll probably let you know how everything goes tomorrow...Woo.

feanix @ 2012-04-19T23:18:00

2012-04-19T13:18:57Z

So because I've become awfully bitter due to all of the awful "my, isn't the world a horrible place" documentaries I've been watching (including, but not limited to, one about homeless kids and one about Golden Gate bridge suicides (which was actually really good, believe it or not)), I decided to trawl the net a little while ago and managed to come up with a few things that make life just a wee bit more bearable. At least for a little while longer.

Now, I love the Born This Way blog (check it out) and ifoundyourcamera.net (check that out too), and I've long loved Awkward Family Photos and PostSecret and even Project Unbreakable brings a smile to one's map, but, boys and girls, the granddaddy of all feel-good, chipper for no real reason blogs is 1000awesomethings.com

I dare you not to find things that make you at least a little bit OK with having gotten out of bed.

Simple pleasures, what?

feanix @ 2012-04-16T11:24:00

2012-04-16T01:24:35Z

Good thing I never expected my life to be easy or straight-forward.

Going back to my doctor today for a referral to a private psychiatrist (so I don't have to keep going back and forth from GP to shrink) and/or for a referral to a private hospital.

I've been dealing with these really rapid, stupidly intense mood swings. I go from feeling crap but functional and stable to feeling desperately bad in minutes. All day is like this. I don't have any mania, which is good, but it would be nice to break up the picture a bit, lol. It's becoming increasingly clear that my medication isn't working and shit's been all fucked up since I had to take the five day course of Zyprexa. I've never had mood swings like this before and I'm struggling.

I have assignments due this week which I haven't done. I have readings to do which I can't sit still long enough to do. It's all of a sudden so hard to focus on a thought or a conversation...It takes so much effort to connect thoughts together to make them seem logical when they come out of my mouth...Which makes me seem like a crazy person, lol.

I know I don't have to sort everything out right this minute and things will be fine once I have a proper plan in place, but I feel like I'm at a loose end and I don't know what to do. I keep sitting with this assignment and it's making me crazy, knowing that if I was feeling alright I'd have had it done, from scratch, yesterday, ready to hand in today. It's only 1000 words, for fuck's sake.

I wish I didn't feel so erratic and disorganised. I'm not used to that. I don't like how unpredictable this whole thing has become. I wish I could just get something done. It's going to be a long and interesting day.

I'll keep you guys updated as to what happens next xx

feanix @ 2012-04-10T08:04:00

2012-04-09T22:04:35Z

How many homophobes does it take to change a lightbulb?

None -- they fear change, even if it could make the world a brighter place.

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feanix @ 2012-04-08T17:15:00

2012-04-08T07:15:46Z

"My candle burns at both ends It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends - It gives a lovely light." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay People, people, people... God, I wish today I was feeling alright. I'm not even asking for good, 'alright' would suffice. I felt alright yesterday and OK-ish the day before, but today? Bad. And it's come on all of a sudden so I've no preparation and no time to gird my loins. Ew, loins. Just in the last hour or so maybe my mood has taken a very sharp and definite turn for the worse. I'm not sure what to do with myself right now. Tonight is the last night I take the Zyprexa. Woo-hoo. I'm not sure how it's made me feel...Like a zombie on the first day, but since then I guess I just feel more contained, not happier, not more comfortable and not less anxious, just contained...Like if I wanted to cry or rail violently against the way I feel, I couldn't. I feel like I can't emote. I guess the whole point of taking a (pointless) five-day course of Zyprexa was to get the sharp episode to bottom out. I guess it did that, but now I feel like I'm reaching yet another bottom. This seems to be the pattern that this depression is following -- everything sucks, find some treatment, engage in treatment, feel better (or less bad), plateau and then go back to feeling bad. I'm going to sound like a petulant child here, but that's not fair. I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me again and again and again. I've been dealing with this thing on and off since I was 14 or 15 and now I'm 23 and I feel like I'm back where I started from. Doing something worthy and vaguely interesting (TAFE, working, university studies) and then, on a cycle one could set a watch by, BAM, I'm sitting on my arse on the ground wondering A) what the hell just happened? and B) why do I feel like shit again? I'm starting to feel like there's no point in even getting off the floor and putting the rug back, you know? I mean, I'm just going to end up on my arse again anyway. What's even the point? Fuck, this sounds so dramatic. Not my intention at all, I just kind of want to get everything out of me, you know? Just exorcise this dense, cloying blackness and get it out of me so I can feel like myself again. I don't feel like myself when I have to grapple with this thing. I don't feel right. I kind of feel like having that super-cinematic moment where the protagonist is on their knees in the rain, shaking their fists at the heavens and screaming, "Why me?!" Unlike that guy, I know what the answer is. It's: "Why not you?" Oh, Christ. I think this whole monologue is about to go somewhere a little darker and I really can't afford to take a chance on that. I really, really can't. Not today. I have so much work to do *laughs drily*. Please send your lovely vibes and cheery happy thoughts to me, I could do with all the help I can get right now. <3

feanix @ 2012-04-05T16:46:00

2012-04-05T06:46:33Z

Ladies and gents, it's been a rough couple of weeks. And an even worse few days. Everything's OK(ish), though, so don't worry too much.

My mood has taken a pretty serious downward turn over the past fortnight or so and over the last week or so it's gotten much worse. The day before yesterday was not a highlight for me. Long story short, without going into all of the crazy details, my mum made an emergency doctor's appointment and I've been prescribed a five day course of Zyprexa. My dose of SSRIs has been upped again from 40 mg to 60. According to my doctor, that's quite high. According to the doctor I saw at the Black Dog Institute, 40-60 mg is fairly common. I'm not super worried about it.

Hilariously enough, I'm not super worried about anything right now.

Yesterday morning was rough as hell. Or early afternoon, rather, because I slept all the way through the morning, lol. I got up and shambled around the place like a zombie and when I spoke it felt and sounded like I drunk person trying to appear sober. Very precise and slow. That all went back to normal a little later with the application of time, sugar and caffeine. This morning the effects weren't so bad, though I did fall over once.

Thos couldn't happen at a worse time, though. I have so much stuff due for uni, it's not even funny. Group work, readings, essays, the whole nine. I feel like I'm not learning or achieving anything. I was so sure that I was going to wind up in a hospital a couple of days ago...I just couldn't keep it together. All I could think about was maybe having to defer this semester and wind up doing something part time. I hate thinking like that, but I hate even more that the longer this goes on and the worse it gets, the more that this full-on stuff -- these "solutions" -- are on the horizon...Hospitalisation, more/different drugs, more therapy, EC, etc etc etc...This is not fun for me.

And the longer it goes on, the less I feel inclined to continue. I don't want my whole life to be like this. I mean, I don't want it to be dead easy and cruisy, of course, I don't have that expectation, but it surely can't be like this forever. I don't want to end up being some horribly damaged person who's unable to live independently or have any semblance of a proper, adult life. I feel like I'm going to be trapped inside this illness forever.

Anyway. I'm glad I'm not going to be on the Zyprexa forever because it has some fucked up side effects; inability to regulate and maintain body temperature, sensitivity to sunlight, massive weight gain, etc, etc, etc. I'm just not interested. I mean, I know that my meds may have to be augmented with an antipsychotic at some point, but I have no interest in something that's going to make me stack on weight. I know it sounds shallow in the face of everything else I'm dealing with right now, but I'd rather be crazy than fat.

Urgh, whatever. Hope you guys are doing better than I am xox

Interesting things Uni research throws up...

2012-04-01T04:09:31Z

Putting the finishing touches on what was supposed to be a rather small assignment (which may need some paring back) for my Modern Irish Literature class and I came across this poem by W.B. Yeats called "Cuchulain Comforted". Cuchulain is a mythical Irish hero who is a youngish boy with quite the temper. Fortunately he's a good guy. Anyway, thought some of you might like it :)

CUCHULAIN COMFORTED

A MAN that had six mortal wounds, a man
Violent and famous, strode among the dead;
Eyes stared out of the branches and were gone.

Then certain Shrouds that muttered head to head
Came and were gone.  He leant upon a tree
As though to meditate on wounds and blood.

A Shroud that seemed to have authority
Among those bird-like things came, and let fall
A bundle of linen.  Shrouds by two and three

Came creeping up because the man was still.
And thereupon that linen-carrier said:
'Your life can grow much sweeter if you will

'Obey our ancient rule and make a shroud;
Mainly because of what we only know
The rattle of those arms makes us afraid.

'We thread the needles' eyes, and all we do
All must together do.' That done, the man
Took up the nearest and began to sew.

'Now must we sing and sing the best we can,
But first you must be told our character:
Convicted cowards all, by kindred slain

'Or driven from home and left to die in fear.'
They sang, but had nor human tunes nor words,
Though all was done in common as before;

They had changed their throats and had the throats of birds.

Good Lord!

2012-03-23T12:45:39Z

I just had a conversation with my drunk mother (we've had family over for dinner -- some relatives have come visiting from California) in which she told me, not in so many words, that she's worried I'll end up like Amy Winehouse.

What a trip.

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feanix @ 2012-03-19T21:25:00

2012-03-19T10:25:25Z

For linguists, Fryphiles and people with a brain in their head :)

http://www.abc.net.au/iview/?series=3448860#/series/3448860

Writer's Block: Bookmarks...And a catch up!!!

2012-03-13T12:11:45Z

Good Lord...The last great book I read was Living Dolls: The Return of Sexism by Natasha Walter. I'm not a rah-rah feminist kind of person, which is not to say that I'm not a feminist -- I think it's only fair that if women have all of the same responsibilities as men, they should have all of the same rights -- I'm just not much of a flag waver. Anyway, it's kind of unusual for me to read anything that even remotely touches on gender studies because I know a handful of people who are doing gender studies Majors and they're all a little...Militant. I try to avoid that stuff when I can because it irritates me and stuff about sexism and so forth usually turn out to be seriously biased (for real, there are some real bitches out there. Acknowledge it, women aren't perfect), but having said all of that, I picked up this particular text when I was in line at the uni Co-Op while holding a stupidly heavy basket of textbooks. It turns out I can't avoid impulse shoppping even when my hands are full. Living Dolls was actually a real treat; it was well balanced, there was actual academic information in there, not just hearsay and social psych stuff, and simple, but well-documented experimental evidence. All of that coupled with a little bit of sass and decent writing was a lot of fun to read. I blew through that thing in under a week, I think.

As a B-Side on the book front, I'm currently reading (aside from all the uni stuff) a book called The Importance of Being Trivial: The Search for the Perfect Fact. Yeah, sure, it's an easy read and not at all unlike the myriad other trivia books out there, but the guy who's written it, Mark Mason, is just so funny and awesome, I'm glad I couldn't help myself to this one...Even though I promised myself I wouldn't buy any more books. I still haven't finished all the ones I bought online over my time off. Oops.

So, if you're still with me, you'll have picked up on the fact that my classes for the semester have started. We're in week two, here, people. Tutorials started yesterday and lectures started last week and, much as I love formal education, I'm finding it tiring. I keep forgetting that I'm still saddled with this depression thing too and that takes it out of one physically, too, but I'm trying to just push on, you know? Get back to a routine and stop driving myself crazy. Though I think I'd rather be crazy than tired right now, lol. I was at uni for six hours today and five of them were spent in class -- one hour long lecture, a two hour long tutorial, an hour break and a two hour long lecture after that. I find it hard to sit still and focus for two whole hours...That's stretching the upper limits of my patience and focus. Anyhow, quick list of subjects for the semester, what?

Modern Irish Literature: So far I figure it requires a lot of reading. I've done some. Yeats is featuring heavily (I don't mind him, so it's all good), Joyce is in there too (Dubliners...Which I found a copy of on my shelves after I brought my new one home). Some assorted plays and criticisms, and some other writers I've never heard of like John Banville and Elizabeth Bowen.
Language, Brain and Mind: So far my favourite subject. Even though it has a two hour lecture. And it's only the second week in. Yesterday's lecture topics were brain damage and how damage to certain areas of the brain can cause problems with speech production and comprehension (aphasia, basically), and where the linguistic faculties lie in the brain (all over the place, not just on the left side as previously thought). The textbook is easy and fun to read and the lecturer is the delightful Bill Foley, the gem of a man who taught my first year, first semester, Linguistics course. He's kind of a rock star in the department. It's weird.
Corpus Linguistics: My prediction for this class was that it was going to be simultaneously fascinating and dry. So far, I'm right. Long story short, a corpus is a body is a large collected body of language from one or a number of sources (news discourse, TV shows, books of a particular genre, etc) and which is then analysed to establish certain patterns such as frequency of word usage or variation in usage. This last one is what I'm interested in...This linguistic technique is how lexicographers build dictionaries and that's what I'm into. Well, that and the idea is just cool. The lecturer is a woman who irritates me (she's German but about to become naturalised), but she does have one or two upsides, the principal of which being the fact that her area of study is TV discourse and she's written a paper on Sheldon Cooper's peculiar use of language.
Introduction to Literary Theory: Now, I'm going to be up front and say that I know what literary theory is not...It's not literature, drama, poetry or film and it's not analyses of those things. Beyond that, though, I've got nothing. This is precisely the reason I decided to do this subject and every time I leave a lecture I feel like I've been beaten half to death with the massive (massive and expensive) textbook we have to deal with. I'm still not sure what the hell's going on yet, but I figure, as an English Major, I should probably have at least a rudimentary basis of what literary theory is about. Just sayin'.

So, beyond all of this, everything's OK. Mentally things are settling down and I feel pretty good. I'm not sure what to do with that or how to deal with it (I keep expecting another downturn), but everything is alright. I could do without feeling tired all the time. Medically things are alright, too; I had a blood test on the first of March and got the results back a couple of days ago. My TSH is still very low, but consistent with my previous results, but the doctor has come to the conclusion that this might just be how it is for me. He said that there are plenty of people who fall above or below the normal range and aren't compromised or physically unwell in any way, so he thinks we shouldn't worry about it. The only concern is that the thyroid antibodies are still very high (this is the whole reason I went through all those other tests in the first place), and he's not sure what to do with that either. I'm clearly not sick, so the doc's recommendation is that I have another test in a few months' time and just see what's what...Of all the things that are (or potentially are) wrong with me, this antibodies thing is the one to look at because it's indicating that something, somewhere, is not right. Not necessarily awfully wrong, but still not all the way right. Urgh.

Snappy's still off with his shoulder and will be for a while yet and, just quietly, I'm so glad to be back at uni. I don't know what it is with men, but apparently they can't do pain that well. And he has a license to take pretty much all the painkillers he wants and just complains about it...Maybe that's just my (still) jonesing brain talking, lol. Bust seriously, the whingeing about the shoulder is making my brain ache...Sure, it hurts, I get it, but for real? Sack up!

Rant and story over :) I hope you're all doing well xox

Oh, dear.

2012-02-28T23:38:34Z

Snappy had an arthroscopic surgery to repair a five year old rotator cuff injury yesterday. He's been prescribed codeine and oxycodone.

The house is full of opiates and my addict brain is trying to calculate when the perfect opportunity to steal some will be. I had a four month relapse with codeine but I've been clean (again) for a month. Clearly not enough time has passed for this not to be an issue.

Urgh.

Yesterday I briefly contemplated breaking one of my own bones to get a script. Briefly.

It's going to be a long few days, but at least I'll be busy through the worst of it. Today I'm getting a haircut (I've only had two haircuts in the last eight months) and tomorrow I'm going to O-Week at uni with some friends to get my student access card and a few other things. Uni goes back on March 5th, so that'll keep me out of trouble.

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My Couple of Hours With Marilyn.

2012-02-24T06:34:04Z

OK, I'm going to try not to lay it on too thick because, as you'll see in a moment, I am completely biased when it comes to the whole Old Hollywood/Tragic Superstars thing. I really love the whole schtick not just for the stories, but for the people -- the actors (and artists, et al) who appear to be more human the more problems they have. Marilyn Monroe being rather high on my list of favourites.

To the movie, what? My Week With Marilyn was good. I'm trying not to rave, lol, but it really was good. Nothing out of place at all -- the acting was very solid (even though Kenneth Branagh looks nothing like Laurence Olivier, but I guess he can't help that), the characters were properly written, the script moved easily and allowed the narrative to happen authentically and the look of the whole thing was incredible.
To be perfectly honest, I went into the cinema expecting to be disappointed and I was very pleasantly mistaken. I was thinking I'd be met with yet another schlocky big budget biopic...You know exactly what I'm talking about...The ones that cram way too much in, never settle on a proper story line, and the famous personality is completely overshadowed by tabloid bullshit. They feed audiences exactly what they expect and purposely miss out on telling anything even akin to the truth. This movie didn't do any of those things and honed neatly in on a single week or so and covered the filming of Marilyn Monroe's movie The Prince and the Showgirl with Lawrence Olivier and, in so doing, it managed to accurately (or reasonably accurately, I can't say for sure, I wasn't there in 1957 when the movie was filmed) capture the events that transpired. See: Marilyn's mostly innocent dalliance with a young production assistant named Colin Clark. I won't ruin it for you.

Michelle Williams played Monroe and I have to tell you, she was dead on. She got beautiful and bubbly Marilyn, she got naive and girlish Marilyn and she got, most importantly, I think, damaged, broken and extremely unhappy Marilyn. Each version of Monroe fit neatly together and produced a startling whole. This is the Marilyn Monroe that people long to see, I think. Not just who she was on camera, but who she was when she was alone, afraid, or in the company of the people who knew her. Also, she looked damn fine. Can't leave that out ;) Again, Olivier was played by Mr. Branagh, who decided to never move his lips while speaking. I'm not sure whether that was a trait particular to Sir Laurence Olivier, but it was fun to watch. He had some of the best lines in the movie including, but not limited to, one where he said that teaching Marilyn Monroe to act is like teaching Urdu to a badger. He was able to recognise, eventually, that it was Monroe's intense fear that made her the actress she was, and that was something he would never be able to recreate. He also recognised that he was never going to be the film actor that she was; his domain was the stage, without doubt. I found him unlikeable. A guy called Eddie Redmayne, whom I've never heard of, played Colin Clark, the young, lucky production assistant who became enamoured of Marilyn Monroe (he is only human, after all). I wasn't sure how to take him, at first, and I thought that maybe he was going to be a little too idealistic, but I think he knew how it was all going to end -- he wanted her to love him because he saw the Norma Jean beyond the Marilyn, but he knew she'd never be a full person without the facade. And she was married to Arthur Miller and no one's going to argue with that guy, lol. Emma Watson played the little part of Lucy, the design girl who is attracted to Colin. They go on a date or two but he blows her off to spend time with Marilyn (can't blame him, but still). It was lovely to see her onscreen again and I have to say, away from the bustling mind of Hermione Granger, she is -- in a simple way -- stunningly beautiful. She has a great smile and it would be a shame not to see her in something else sometime soon. Special mention to Zoe Wanamaker (Madame Hooch in Harry Potter, if you'll recall) who played Marilyn's method acting coach, Paula Strasberg. She spent much time talking the actress through scenes and down off ledges, but she also spoke to her in a way she could understand which was lovely to watch. Judi Dench was in it also, and she was a lot of fun as the actress Dame Sybil Thorndike, who appeared to have a soft spot for Ms Monroe.

Was it 100% perfect, despite my fanatical raving, I'm going to say no. The perspective was a little narrow (told only from the point of view of Colin Clark and a diary he kept through the filming process) and, naturally, biased in Marilyn's favour. I think Branagh's Olivier was a little hammy, but maybe that's what he was going for. I think, in some ways, Monroe was made out to be a bit of a...'Hussy' isn't quite the right word, but an 'indiscriminate heartbreaker' is probably a better way to put it, and I'm not sure that's quite accurate. And, yet.

So, should you go and see it? I'm going to say that you should if you have some time to spare and want to be whisked away to a point in time that was profoundly interesting for myriad reasons. If you want to watch a fabulous-looking film with lovely hair and suits, see it. If you want to be entertained on a level that is purely humorous, see it. And if you want to get in touch with the Marilyn Monroe we all wish we could have met, then this is absolutely the movie for you.

Happy viewing.

feanix @ 2012-02-18T09:31:00

2012-02-17T22:31:52Z

Had the CT scans yesterday and they injected me with this weird contrastive dye stuff. It makes you feel pretty awful, however briefly.

Anyways, long story short, my brain and brain-adjacent property is totally fine. No weirdnesses appear anywhere on the scans; no lesions, no tumours, no problems in that area.

My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is still too low, so I'm having yet another blood test for that in a week or two to see if we can figure what that's all about, but beyond that small blip, everything is fine (aside from the depression, of course, lol).

Thanks, all, for your kindness and concern xox

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More Tests!!

2012-02-15T07:34:48Z

So, got the results of my third (and hopefully last) blood test and it looks like most things are normal. The weird thyroid function is the same, my cortisol is really high, and my levels of prolactin (some hormone that regulates the immune system) are high also. Dr Moppet said today that the high levels of cortisol are pretty much in keeping with having a severe mood disorder -- the levels are much higher in the mornings which is why depressed people tend to feel worse in the mornings with fluctuation of their moods throughout the day. So, nothing we didn't already know.

Now, here comes the fun; the prolactin is high, though not super high, and as a result, the good doctor wants me to have a CT scan "on the centre of your brain" (his words). He also suggested that I do it tomorrow, but I'm doing it Friday morning because tomorrow's a busy day. Naturally I asked what the point of the scan was and he said that the high prolactin and weird thyroid stuff might be as a result of something weird going on with my pituitary gland. Like, in his words, "maybe a little tumour." Now, he did say that it's most likely to be nothing, as these things are fairly rare, but it could account for the strange stuff going on and it's best to be thorough, which I agree with. And, if it is something, I might need a little minor surgery to deal with the tumour. But again, he said it's unlikely but it's best to check.

Fortunately the pituitary gland is brain-adjacent real estate, not in the brain proper, and they go in through the nose or upper lip, rather than in through the brain, so that's all good. Whether there's anything there or not remains to be seen after the scan on Friday, and I'll go back to the doctor for the results after that and try to work this whole thing through.

I'm not as worried as I could be...I think that has something to do with the medication -- it doesn't let me be as anxious as I might otherwise be if I wasn't in treatment, but also having had a quick Google, I've been able to allay my fears about long, arduous hospital stays, shaved heads and staples in the scalp. Fortunately, even if there is something there, it's not going to be anywhere near that dramatic, for which I am eternally grateful.

Anyway, thought I'd keep you cats abreast of the action since you've all been so good to me with your comments and kind words and thoughts. I'm so grateful to have you guys around for all of that, even just in an online capacity. Makes life much smoother when you realises that there are people out there who give a shit and like you even without having met you. It's kind of nice.

xx

Tests!

2012-02-07T11:13:49Z

So, because I'm lucky, I've been having a few blood tests done alongside taking medication and going through therapy so the doctors can be sure that what I'm dealing with is indeed a mood disorder and not something that looks like a mood disorder but isn't.

Originally, my doctor got me to have a regular blood test, nothing fancy, just to check if there were any deficiencies I had that could have caused or played a part in my depression (I'm sure I've said this already, so I'll condense as much as I can), so got the results back and found that there was something off about my thyroid function. Now, they measure three things and one is the hormone that the brain produces which tells the thyroid what to do and the lowest level in the normal range is 0.35. For this test, mine was 0.01. The other two things on the test were perfectly fine. Naturally Dr Moppet wanted me to have another test done, the results of which I got back today, and this number rose a tiny bot to 0.09, but it's still too low to be completely fine. Again, everything else is in the normal range. So, tomorrow morning I'm having another (!!!) test done that will measure, among other things, the levels of cortisol in my system. Now, unbeknownst to me until today, cortisol levels fluctuate during the day and naturally they want to get the best reading for the test, right? So, I have to have this blood test done BEFORE 9 am! My eyes are just opening between 10 and 11 ack-emma, and tomorrow I have to be out of bed, with clothes on and be heading out the door at about 8:30 or so, so I'm at the path lab as early as is possible (not as early as is convenient, lol) so everything will be right for the test. At least I'll get some coffee.

Now, the reason I'm having this test done is because they think it might not necessarily be my thyroid after all. Judging by the results of the last two tests, and because everything else was perfectly fine, the doctor has reason to believe that the problem may be autoimmune, not hormonal, so tomorrow I'm being tested for a slew of autoimmune diseases including, but not limited to, Lupus and Hashimoto's. I immediately thought of House, "It's never Lupus." Both of these diseases can affect a person neurologically, that is, can cause problems like mood or (sometimes) personality disorders. My depression may actually be caused by something other than bodgy brain chemistry...It might not be, lol, of course, and everything might be the same, just with a new illness to deal with, but this might be fixable. I'm not counting my chickens, but who knows? I don't know how I'd feel if the depression could be explained away, either...I'm not sure who I really am without it, I've been dealing with it on and off for so long (episodic...Like Lupus ;)).

Anyway, that's about that. Not much else has been happening, more than anything else I've just been making and keeping appointments, lol. The Dr Moppet suggested that this could be my new hobby. I told him the tests are just a ruse, I'm actually planning to open my own pathology lab and I just like to steal the vacutainers ;)

Hope you're all well xox

Easily the longest day ever. For real.

2012-02-01T04:39:03Z

So, I had that assessment this morning...At 8:45. I was awake at 7 am. Now, I know to a lot of perfectly civilised people out there, that's actually not that early, but for someone who often isn't awake until 11 and certainly isn't out of bed at that time, seven o'clock might as well have been 4 am or something.

We left in plenty of time, had Macca's for breakfast (a rare treat) and headed over to Randwick (in peak hour...gawd) to the Prince of Wales hospital where the Black Dog Institute is and waited around a bit to be brought upstairs by a disturbingly chirpy research assistant. It struck me as odd to see a chipper person in a mood disorders clinic, lol. Anyway, she asked me a bunch of questions regarding the last two weeks or so of this episode and then the same questions regarding my depression since it began. Tedium. We finished up fairly promptly, I went back out to the waiting room and then was called in shortly after that to meet with the doctor whose name is...Wait for it...Dr Friend. Yep. He asked me about an hour and a half's worth of questions about pretty much everything from my childhood and where I grew up to allergies and family history, from suicidal ideation and self-harm to anxieties and phobic behaviours. He quite literally asked me about everything to do with my depression and even some other things I'd never thought of (such as exactly why I don't like public speaking...Not just because I find it vaguely terrifying, but also because I blush easily when I'm embarrassed or stressed and that is, in itself, embarrassing). The doctor went over the online component I did previously as well as the assistant's questions and the paperwork I'd completed beforehand, along with his own notes and the diagnosis from my doctor, and went on to deliver the not-too-bad-news.

The diagnosis I'd received earlier is correct -- melancholic depression -- and the absolute best way to treat it is with medication (physical illness, physical treatment), but my dose isn't high enough, which I'd been beginning to wonder about myself since I'm pretty much only contained, rather than improving, and I feel like I'm hanging on by the absolute skin of my teeth. So, starting tomorrow, I'll be taking two of my antidepressants instead of one and, if there's little or no improvement over the next 3-4 weeks, then I have to go up to three. I also have to be taking 1000 mg of fish oil every day to make sure I'm getting enough Omega-3 which is supposed to affect one's moods. We shall see. The aim is to get me through this episode and to maintain a higher dose of the medication to prevent another one, though I have to tell you, I'm not 100% sure that's entirely possible, but what would I know? I have to give this a proper go, you know? The depression is really interfering with my life, as it does every time it comes around, and I don't feel like I'm as productive or as complete as I ought to be, so before I do anything super drastic, I have to give it a shot.

Interestingly, along with the depression, the results of this thorough questioning (see: interrogation) heaved up another diagnosis or two; Generalised anxiety disorder (which doesn't tell anyone anything useful, just that I'm a fucking worry-wart) and a panic disorder. The latter is far more pressing when I'm dealing with a depressive episode.

I don't know if I should be glad that there's a proper, sturdy, obvious diagnosis and an appropriate method of treatment, along with future plans, should it all go awry, or confronted and weird because I'm going to be on this medication indefinitely...I mean, sure, I guess it's a decent thing that I'll be able to have a better quality of life, and a longer life, with this kind of treatment, but is that really what I want? Is this more for the benefit of the people around me than for myself? I only went to see Dr Mossop in the first place at my mother's insistence, not of my own volition. To be perfectly frank, and maybe it's the depression talking, so feel free to ignore this, but I'm tired, you know? I'm tired of going through this again and again, and I'm tired of always worrying that the black dog (heh) is going to come back up and drag me arse-first down the abyss. I have hardly any friends; my relationships are pretty much all tenuous for one reason or another and mostly superficial. If I never had to leave the house, I never would, and I have no long term goals or desires. I'm tired of constantly having to fight back the ideation and the hurt and the anger all the time to simply just get through an ordinary day...Something that it appears most other people have almost no trouble with. I don't especially want to live like this. And I'm sure you don't blame me. I doubt that anyone would blame me. But, before I get ahead of myself, and before I let myself spin out of control, I have to keep trying with this. Maybe it'll be alright?

Anyway, sorry for the long ramble. I think I got away from myself a bit there, lol. And sorry for the drama, too. Totally not my intention to freak anyone out or to draw undue attention to myself, it's just the way I'm feeling right now. And lately. Meh.

Hope you are all doing better than I am x

Australia Day

2012-01-26T01:15:31Z

1788. Arthur Philip. First Fleet. Convicts.

Wiki the rest.

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feanix @ 2012-01-19T21:25:00

2012-01-19T10:25:46Z

So, poppets, I'm housesitting for the next few days (because I'm lucky). M and V are going to visit M's parents and they needed, as usual, someone to watch the remaining pup (LuDog) and the cats. So, as I say, here I am until about midmorning on Sunday. No worries.

The medication has settled down to the point where I don't really have to worry about side-effects and things like that (the tremors have settled down, mostly), but now everything's kind of moving into the maintenance phase where it all just falls into place and I'd kind of forgotten about this bit...The real effect of the medication...I have no emotions. My affect is almost completely flat. Sure, there's respite from the crippling depression -- in the fetal position, marinading in my own pain -- and I'm grateful for that, really, but there's just something that's strange about not really feeling anything. I mean, my emotions have never really been up and down, there's not a lot of fluctuation, but there's some movement, you know? For a decent example, I went and saw David Sedaris (got tickets for Christmas) on Monday night, and he was pretty good, told some interesting jokes, cool anecdotes, and I was surrounded by people who were laughing and enjoying themselves, and I had nothing. I understood the jokes, of course, and intellectually I found them amusing, but emotionally I really didn't have a huge connection to his act and I found that more distracting than worrying. Because worry would be an emotion ;)

Had the worst morning...I got a call from my shrink's office telling me my 1:30 appointment got pushed back to 2:30, and they felt that they had to call me to tell me this at some stupid hour of the morning. Before 9, lol. I went back to sleep for an hour or so and I got another call from the Black Dog Institute during which a lady whose name escapes me informed me of what I had to do and what the process was going to be. I have an appointment to go to the institute at 8:45 ack-emma *gags* on February first to meet with another shrink whence I'll complete a total assessment. Urgh. Tiring, time consuming, irritating. There was an online component, too, which I did today before I forgot about it, and there's some paperwork that I had to print out and fill in, which I did too, lest I forget. I'm going to review it when I get home and see if I should redo it, but so far so good.

Had a long lesson in mindfulness today with my shrink. I've had some experience with mindfulness before, but I've never been too successful with it. Partly because of lack of effort on my part and also because my thoughts sometimes come through really fast and it's hard to stay on top of it all, so it's just easier -- though not smarter -- to just let them take over. So, I'm committing myself to the process and am going to get the hang of this cognition therapy if it kills me. It just might, if all sessions are as irritating as today's, lol. I don't know...I still feel that it's all a bit 'crunchy-granola,' as my mum would say, but the techniques work and there's plenty of evidence to prove it, I just need to accept it and commit to it. Good luck, what?

By and large, I'm doing alright. Not perfect, but I don't need an intervention or anything like that, lol. As I said, I feel flat, but OK. I'm just going to hang in there and see how it all plays out over the next few days. It'll be fine. Surely.

Hoping you all are well xox

feanix @ 2012-01-11T16:45:00

2012-01-11T05:45:50Z

So, second appointment with Dr. Moppet was at 3 pm today. He ran late. I was annoyed.

He asked about how I was doing. I hate that question...How are you ever supposed to respond without sounding like a drama queen?! I told him the truth; I feel more composed than I did last week (no tears today, thankfully), but my mood is really, really flat and low overall, and the anxiety is still present all the time. No panic attacks over this week, but being able to feel it all the time really puts the kibosh on one's plans for eating, sleeping and/or going outside, all of which I have to do but currently loathe. But, so far, so good. I am not yet swinging from the rafters, so I'll call it successful for the mo'.

I saw the shrink last week, too, and will again tomorrow. We talked for a therapist's hour (the irritating and always insufficient 45-55 minutes) about my history with depression (pretty much my whole life) and anxiety (ditto), about previous medications and hospitalisation. Really a fun conversation to be having all at once. Really. I understand that tomorrow we'll be talking about my family. Oh, Lord. This is all groundwork, of course, because the real work will be done with DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), about which I know almost nothing (djcliche, I'm looking at you for help on this one ;)), but I've got some experience with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, so hopefully that'll put me in good stead. I will, apparently, need a notebook (purchased) for 'homework'. Now, I don't like doing homework for things I really have to do, like uni, but, I'll do my darndest and try not to get my back up about it all. Rani (the shrink) wanted me to get a referral for an assessment at The Black Dog Institute (http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/), an Australian institute that studies and helps to treat and provide support for people who deal with depression and bipolar disorder. I think the whole idea about this assessment is to get some more information for Rani, but also to provide a second opinion and to recommend further treatment. I don't like doing those assessment things (I've done one or two in the past ;)) because I find it hard to name my emotions...Or have many, lol. I hate but can name extreme emotions, but not your more average, everyday ones; to me they're 'fine' and 'flat' and 'OK', but none of that really tells anyone anything.

So for now, that's about it. I really haven't been doing much else. I'm grateful that I feel less completely shattered than I did because that's almost impossible to deal with long term, but I'm still trying to figure out what I have to do about this thing in the longer term because melancholic depression (my diagnonsense) is more biologically based and so needs a biological treatment -- like medication -- rather than therapy. So I kind of feel like the therapy is a bit pointless, but I guess that's more to do with my previous experience with it when I was in high school...I pretty much just played along because I wanted the treatment to end. I endeavour to make a more concerted effort this time, but my hopes still aren't radically high because I don't really feel like there's much to be spoken about...Addictions and control issues aside, of course.

I hope this all made sense, lol. Turned into a bit of a vent there, I think. I hope you guys are all doing well and thanks to those of you who sent me kind words and words of advice xx

feanix @ 2012-01-05T11:00:00

2012-01-05T00:00:56Z

Where to even begin?

So, over the last...while...my usually cynical and churlish disposish has sunken into something a little more grave. Panic attacks (had one on a train the other day. Not much fun), sleeplessness and the whole thing. Decided to speak to a doctor about it (his name is Mossop, but I keep hearing Moppet) and went through the whole medical history and the remaining nine yards.

Prozac (Lovan) for the depression/anxiety, Temazepam for the insomnia and a healthy dose of talking shit out. Hence the appointment with a shrink at 1 pm today. Lucky me.

Considering this is the third reasonably severe episode I've had (I decided to do something about this one before shit really hit the fan), and considering that my mood does take regular fierce downturns, the doctor is wondering if I should be on SSRIs indefinitely or if I should move to a mood stabiliser. Now, I've been on meds before and intellectually I don't have any real problem with this idea -- medication has worked for me in the past, no doubt it will now -- but the idea of being on something forever is a bit startling. Uncomfortable, even. I mean, of course it says nothing about who I am as a person and all of that palaver, but there's still that thing that people have about mental illnesses ("people" includes me too sometimes) that appears to speak about one's sense of control or something. I hate that this is the one thing about myself that I can't control. Nothing I can do about it...Just wired this way. Again, intellectually I have no issue with it, c'est la vie, but I really am an enormous control freak and I can't bear to have this thing always hanging over me.

I suppose it's better to be on a longer course of treatment than to always have the rug snatched out from under you, which is usually what happens to me, lol. Can't really make any serious progress in life or enjoy anything because you know it won't last. The black dog will be back and one day he might bring friends. Wow. Dramatic.

First dose of the SSRI this morning. I feel OK thusly, just a bit shaky. Still anxious about having to see a therapist today -- I'm not really one for talking, believe it or not -- but it really can't hurt. I do kind of think that therapy is more useful if you're trying to work through something that's occurring as a result of past problems in your life (abuse, grief etc), but I wonder how well it's going to work with me, considering that there genuinely is nothing wrong with my life and there never really has been...I've never been abused or maltreated, never neglected or molested...My life is pretty much textbook middle class, lol, but that's alright. I'm sure I'll dredge up something interesting to talk about.

As long as ECT (shock treatment) is never on the cards, I shall push forth.

Hoping you all are well x

Happy New Year!!

2011-12-31T12:35:26Z

I can't believe that 2012 is about to begin. I don't quite know how to feel about it, to be honest. I'm sitting on the couch, watching Van Helsing and flipping to the fireworks at the Harbour every so often, and I'm amazed by how it really doesn't feel like NYE...Just like it didn't feel like Christmas.

I don't know how the new year will go...I'm not sure how this past year went, lol, but it wasn't bad. Another year of uni with nothing drastic happening. Kind of quiet, just the way I like it. God, I'm boring.

Anyway, before the rambling gets out of control, I just wanted to pop on here and wish you all a happy new year. I hope you get what you didn't get in 2011. I hope life works out for you all this year and I hope luck smiles on you all, too. God knows we could all do with a little more luck.

Take care of yourselves and be decent to one another.

Love you all x

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