*sighs*

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I'm in a contemplative place and I've become lost and confused with all the smoke and mirrors reflecting me and my insanity.

I want love, I want to grow up, I want a life and everything that comes with it...But I'm scared, nearly terrified, of growing up. I'm 18 years old in 18 days and I don't think I've wanted to run away from anything more in my life. I know that I can't be a little boi forever, that at some point, I have to leave Neverland (Peter Pan syndrome, sorry), but I'm just worried that I'm not ready....

Everytime I think about it, I get this panicky, tight feeling....I have to move on now, open another door and it feels like I've gotta change to grow up....Which, now that I look at it, isn't the case...But I just can't find a way to make my child-like views fit into the grown up world.....

For some reason unknown to me, I feel like I might fail at this "growing up" thing. Maybe I won't do it right, or maybe people won't like grown up me....Maybe I won't be allowed to do certain things anymore, or I'll be seen as something I'm not....Christ!!! Does everyone get like this? Does everyone worry about these things?

And, as scared as I am, I'm excited too....Like a whole new world is about to open itself up to me and reveal all its secrets, I just have to be brave enough to take those steps. I'll get to see what's behind all those doors that big people can go through. I'll get to meet new people just like me. I'll be allowed to do things I've never done or heard of before....Maybe it's just anxiety.

Geez...I don't know if I've come to any conclusions about any of this, but I do feel better. Gotta vent spleen sometimes :-) Catch you crazy cats later xoxoxoxoxo