*yawns*

Well. Yet again, I'm in the school library talking to Rene about the 80's day...heaps of people are going all out, but not me (as usual). I'm doing it quirky styles, lol, also as usual. Yesterday I got a plain white t-shirt and then I went to one of my most favourite stores (Spotlight) and got some fluro fabric paint, green, pink and orange and wrote Wham! on the shirt, lol. That's my tribute :)

So yeah. I've been reading this really great book called "Blue Jean Buddha"....It's about young people in the modern world who are practicing Buddhists.....whether it be Zen, Therevada or Mahayana Buddhism, doesn't really matter. To me, it's a sort of challenge. Buddhism's really been the only sort of "religion" that has really made sense to me....I was being raised as a christian and then I'd be taken to my grandmother's where she'd spend time converting me to jehovah's witness (JW)...I'd never really been allowed to do my own thing and find my feet as far as religion and faith are concerned. So, here I am at long last. I really wanna do this. I'm ready to make myself whole again...

I was meditating last night (as I am oft wont to do) and smoking and alcohol came into my mind. Less as a temptation and more in the need of justification. What are they there for? I shouldn't need to use substances to release stress or make myself feel good/happy...I should be able to do it myself, because in this life, all you really have (no matter how impermanent) is yourself. Meditation and living the right life and making the right choices lead to the clear, focused and happy mind. That's my goal. Addmitedly I'd be substituting alcohol with soft drink at first...I know, all that caffeine and sugar, but one step at a time, yeah? Lol.

Lol, Rene's freaking out about her computer... "They freaking hate me and I hate them back"...I guess it's going well, lol. This is the age of the laptop, how can anyone be a Luddite or Technophobe in this day and age? I mean, honestly!

Well, what else can I say? I'm nervous and unsure. I'm a little worried about whether I can handle the task at hand...Whether or not I can accept the circumstances and situations around me. I don't know if I can deal with not having someone with me all the time (girlfriend), I don't know if I'll be able to deal with leaving school and I don't know if I'll be ok not smoking and drinking and so forth. I mean, I'm not giving these things up because I have to, I'm giving them up because A) it's the right thing to do and B) I want to....I've learned that even though something is the rigt thing to do, doesn't mean it's the easy thing to do. Also there's a lot of other stuff that I have to learn and do (I'm getting the hang of Right Action and Right Speech...Right Thought is different altogether, lol).

Meh. Much to ponder. Ciao.