Nil magnum nisi bonum
I'm in my maths class as we speak...supposed to be doing som lame ass work sheet but I couldn't be fucked.
What's changed since last we met?
I'm single....My girlfriend was unhappy and apparently has been for a while. She says that she loves me (and cares for me....I dunno what that means) but she's in this place where she has some shit to sort out (my lord does she ever) and she can't do it while being in a relationship....Goodo. She says that at some point (I dunno when), when she's ready to be in a relationship again, she wants to get back together with me.
In my entire life, I've never known what I've wanted, until she came along. Now I know what I want, but I can't have it because she's out of my reach and that's out of my control. I feel like a little kid whose mother has left him at daycare and he's crying and lost because he's in a place he's unfamiliar with and he doesn't know what's gonna happen to him. That's what it's like in my head and my heart right now. I'm scared and alone and confused...I know it's not healthy to hang onto that glimmer of hope that ONE DAY she'll take me back....I honestly hope she will, but I don't know for sure and that not knowing scares me more than ever.
I know we both want to get back together, but I guess in this weird place, us being together isn't a possibility. That's so hard for me to deal with because I miss her in a way I never thought imagineable...I see her every day at school and most weekends....and I still miss her. God it hurts so much.
I suppose I still have to be supportoboi....What chance have I got otherwise? i am fully supportive of her wishes to try and fix herself up and I'll always be here for her in whatever way I can take. i couldn't imagine not being in her life at all.
I suppose that at the end of this period of relationship moratorium, we'll both be healthier people and therefore we'll create a better support system and relationship for ourselves and each other.
I'm beginning to discover faith...Not in myself yet and not in other people but in Nirvana...In Buddhism. It teaches that existance means suffering and the origin of suffering is attachment. I believe that these are my two biggest restraints and rather than solving the problem through suicide, therefore ending my existance.
I've been meditating quite a lot lately...I hope it'll help heal a little, but I feel more aware...It's actually an amazing feeling...I now have a space that I can go to for peace, rather than being reliant on other people for solace...It's a nice change.
I've still got a lot of reading and learning to do before I choose Buddhism as me, but I think that it's definately something that feels right to me. Also the faith thing is weird for me....I've never had a religion before....But in order to grow, prosper and feel grounded in this world and in my life, then maybe this is the right way to go about it.
10 mins to go before the last bell....Home time :) I'm gonna go gets hot chips (and gravy) with Dr. K and whomever else wishes to come along for the ride. Then I have a 4:00 appointment with the delightful Dr. Coffey who's gonna review my medication....Maybe this could be a good thing.
Maybe there's hope for this lost, alone and scared (yet faithful) boi....xox
What's changed since last we met?
I'm single....My girlfriend was unhappy and apparently has been for a while. She says that she loves me (and cares for me....I dunno what that means) but she's in this place where she has some shit to sort out (my lord does she ever) and she can't do it while being in a relationship....Goodo. She says that at some point (I dunno when), when she's ready to be in a relationship again, she wants to get back together with me.
In my entire life, I've never known what I've wanted, until she came along. Now I know what I want, but I can't have it because she's out of my reach and that's out of my control. I feel like a little kid whose mother has left him at daycare and he's crying and lost because he's in a place he's unfamiliar with and he doesn't know what's gonna happen to him. That's what it's like in my head and my heart right now. I'm scared and alone and confused...I know it's not healthy to hang onto that glimmer of hope that ONE DAY she'll take me back....I honestly hope she will, but I don't know for sure and that not knowing scares me more than ever.
I know we both want to get back together, but I guess in this weird place, us being together isn't a possibility. That's so hard for me to deal with because I miss her in a way I never thought imagineable...I see her every day at school and most weekends....and I still miss her. God it hurts so much.
I suppose I still have to be supportoboi....What chance have I got otherwise? i am fully supportive of her wishes to try and fix herself up and I'll always be here for her in whatever way I can take. i couldn't imagine not being in her life at all.
I suppose that at the end of this period of relationship moratorium, we'll both be healthier people and therefore we'll create a better support system and relationship for ourselves and each other.
I'm beginning to discover faith...Not in myself yet and not in other people but in Nirvana...In Buddhism. It teaches that existance means suffering and the origin of suffering is attachment. I believe that these are my two biggest restraints and rather than solving the problem through suicide, therefore ending my existance.
I've been meditating quite a lot lately...I hope it'll help heal a little, but I feel more aware...It's actually an amazing feeling...I now have a space that I can go to for peace, rather than being reliant on other people for solace...It's a nice change.
I've still got a lot of reading and learning to do before I choose Buddhism as me, but I think that it's definately something that feels right to me. Also the faith thing is weird for me....I've never had a religion before....But in order to grow, prosper and feel grounded in this world and in my life, then maybe this is the right way to go about it.
10 mins to go before the last bell....Home time :) I'm gonna go gets hot chips (and gravy) with Dr. K and whomever else wishes to come along for the ride. Then I have a 4:00 appointment with the delightful Dr. Coffey who's gonna review my medication....Maybe this could be a good thing.
Maybe there's hope for this lost, alone and scared (yet faithful) boi....xox