"Why are you grumpy?" She asks...

*shoots self in the head* my mental unit (female parental) is an idiot...it's a dumbass question to ask really..."Why are you grumpy?"...After that fight we just had about me going to my girlfriend's house tomorrow, I have no idea...why should I be grumpy? I'm not grumpy.....Right now, for whatever the reason, I'm at that place where all I want to do is find solace in safe arms and cry....Or, failing that, set the house on fire....

My girlfriend's in a shit mood...not adding to my level of happiness.

I hate that I can never give everyone what they want....I can't give me what I want either, so it's no surprise really. I can't do what my mother expects of me, I feel like I'm never good enough for her - can never reach her expectations...I mean, her expectations aren't even that high...I guess I'm just not good enough. I can't do what's right by my girl...I mean, I scare her sometimes with the things that I say, I don't mean to...I never want to hurt her, but I know that I do....And that hurts me. i don't care what my mother expects...Not meeting her expectations doesn't hurt - it's just pisses me off that she won't leave me alone...But hurting my girl scars me to the soul....or what soul I have left. 

I'm in this fucking twisted headspace right now and I have no idea why. I can't seem to get out of it....I think it started this evening when I listened to "Adam's song" (Blink 182)...I guess it made me think of every single time that I felt like that....That I seemed so fucking happy to everyone else but inside I was dying...or wishing I was...I keep repeating the lyrics...I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?...I took my time, I hurried up...The world was wide, too late to try...You'll be sorry when I'm gone...

I don't feel that way now; I guess it's just the memory...it makes me feel morose...always pleasant.

Right now, I want someone to call me "sweetie" or something like that...tell me that I'll be ok...that I'm not as fucked up and dead on the inside as I feel...if anyone out there knows the remedy to unhappiness that doesn't involve suicide or SI, let me know.

I'm sure if i was an "innocent"...if I didn't deserve this pain....the hurt....if I wasn't a fucking whore...liar...thief...addict....all the motherfucking things I hate....God, I'm glad some people appreciate real, 'cos I've never felt so real in my life. If I was "normal", whatever the hell that is, I'd have a reason to feel insane...but I'm in a place where I can't complain because this is my punishment....this is what I deserve.

And now for a hapy/horny topic...

Lately, or at least since my girlfriend and I were talking about strap-ons (bear with me, because that convo was only yesterday), they're (the strap-ons) are all I can think about...I mean, how empowering would that be?? I wouldn't know...I'm 16...too young to buy one in any country...But the day (or day after) I turn 18, guess what I'll be buying? lol. I tried writing a dyke+dyke+strap-on fic this morning, but it kinda took a nose dive...really, really inane, lol. Pointless.....

I'm going insane very, very slowly....I don't know why it's happening to me this way...Honestly, I'd always thought that the second one toe went over the deep end, the rest of me would follow, but I guess I'm wading slowly into the pool that is (apparently) insanity...Nice, eh?

Right now, not that anyone cares, my favourite movie is "Benny and Joon"...A Johnny Depp movie...he plays an eccentric guy named Sam. Very cool.

Joon: "You're out of your tree..."

Sam: "It's not my tree."....

SEE???? Is that not the the best line in the history of the world?? lol. Ok, so I may be easily amused...But that's so not the point.

Man, I should probably wrap it up at some point. I've vented, talked about strap-ons and talked about my new all time favourite movie....I guess that's all the key points....

Oh yeah!!! My labret was doing ok, but today when I went and saw robots (not a bad movie) I was playing with it (as you do ;) and now it's a little on te crusty and red side, so, if anyone has some care tips they'd kindly like to pass on, please feel free :)

Bye.