Writer's Block: Too scary!!

I'm not sure...I think a child's fear is an incredibly intense thing, you know, because they can't reassure themselves like adults can. They can't flip on the lights and analyse (in the safety of the light) that there's nothing under the bed or whatever. In a weird way, a child's life is dominated by fear...

Anyway, I was scared of a lot of stuff when I was little. I hated being alone, I hated the quiet, I was dreadfully afraid of deep water and I couldn't be anywhere near a clown. Truthfully, I still can't be anywhere near a clown and I have lots of noise around me all the time, but it's not out of fear of silence, I don't think; I think it has more to do with not particularly wanting to be alone with my thoughts.

I don't think the things I, or any kid, was scared of is silly, though - they were all valid at that point in time and fear is fear, you know? It's just that there are other things I'm scared of now...House fires, for instance. Being locked away in a hospital or facility of some sort. Dependence and rehab. Getting sick again.

Let's move on, yes? Yes.

I've just finished two essays for uni - one for English and the other for Philosophy. The word counts aren't right on, but it's as close as it's going to get. I'm just going to wear the penalties, you know? Because I'm tired of them. So, anyway, that's done and they're ready to be handed in tomorrow, thank God. 

I found out today that on the 5th I have a midsemester exam for Linguistics. It was funny because it really came as a shock to me, but it shouldn't have, lol, because there aren't any essays for the subject, so of course there'd be an exam. Der. It's on phonetics and phonology and there's a good chance that I'm fucked for that too, lol. Phonology's not that horrible, but I've been having the worst problems with phonology and it's really bothersome. Fortunately the topic we're doing now is morphology and that's more doable.

Next month is a big month for JCTC. I have my presentation on the Mezuzah to do (which will be fun because I'm not good with speaking in front of other people, but there's, like, six people in my class, lol) and then I have my essay on the Gospels. Which I have to finish reading. Oy. But at least there's time, lol...I'm so glad that I'm done with those other essays, I can now comfortably think about the billions of other things I have to do.

Fuck. I have a billion other things to do.

Lately I've been feeling anxious. I'm not sure if it has to do with the whole uni thing...I've just become painfully aware of the mountain of work I have to do and I'm worrying that I won't be able to get it done, or if it's related to something else...Which is just as likely. Anyway, I've been waking up during the night with my heart fucking racing - not pounding, really, just bouncing - and I can't get it to slow down easily....And sometimes I'm sitting there and I can just feel my heart buzzing. I'm almost tempted to take my pulse, but I don't want to know that my resting heart rate is, like, 120 bpm or something. Pulse taking is not a great activity for a hypochondriac.

Also, my terrifyingly vivid mind decided to put on a really thrilling dream for entertainment. Which would have been fine if the dream didn't feature me in rehab. I don't need that shit right now. Yay me.

Anyways, that's enough of that because it's just about my bedtime. I'm going to go and try to relax a little...Uncoil, if you will, lol...And try to get some sleep. I don't start until one tomorrow, so I have time for a shower and all of that. I'm sure that tomorrow will be fine, I have these essays done and all doesn't suck as badly as I feel it does. Surely.