Fuck this bullshit...

 
OK...So I was hoping to refrain from putting this here, hoping to control myself, but you know, I can't. Well, I could, but I can't be arsed actually writing this down. 

I shouldn't be affected by this. I shouldn't care about this. I shouldn't give two shits about this at all, in any way.

But I do.

My ex - my first ex - has just gotten involved with Nemo of mine (how friendly, I'm beginning to wonder). Not really a problem in itself, but Nemo just (like, six weeks ago) broke up with her girlfriend of the last six years or so. Also not a problem, I just think the timing is weird. Makes one wonder how long this has been going on for. They've been seen together at weird times, obviously spending nights and all that.

You know, it's crap. 

I have no emotional investment in this thing, whatsoever; I don't have feelings for either of them, my ex and I haven't been together since 2005 (millennia, lol), I think it's a bit sad, to be honest. I'm actually pleased, in some weird way, that they're able to finally have the relationship - or whatever - that they were seeking and weren't able to have back in high school.

So why do I feel like this? 

I'm actually thinking, as I type, in fact, that my ex has always been in a relationship. For as long as I've known her, seriously. She's never been alone, which I believe is just as bad as always being alone...But maybe it's just highlighting how...Lonely I am.

It's not a relationship that I'm seeking, you know? It's loneliness brought on by not having any (not any...Many, I guess) close friends. And certainly no close friends that I can openly connect with and see on a regular basis. 

The other thing is knowing that my ex has been up to my uni campus (Nemo goes to the same university, not that I've seen her there...Dodger), knowing that she's hanging around a lot....It chokes me in some weird way. I always thought I was free of her, free of that life and of the person I used to be...Clear of the whole situation...And to know that she's around, nearby, and bringing that crap with her isn't doing good things to me. I sometimes feel like maybe I'm not that different. Maybe I'm just the same person I was in high school and things will never be any different.

I can't believe that I'm - in a way - allowing her to have that kind of control over my life. Of course I'm different. Of course I'm not the same person.

I don't know what to do. Not about this situation...It's like a train smash, lol.

Sorry about the rant. Had to ramble through my thoughts to get them out of my head. I've just got a lot of stuff, uni stuff too, going on right now and I'm feeling pushed and stretched. Not a good feeling, but that's what I'm in this for...A challenge.

Right now, though, I'm going to bed.

Nernight, cruel world. Please suck less tomorrow.