Veeeeeeennnnnnnt.

 
Ladies and gents, I apologise for my absence. It's been an odd week in no particular way and in a not really particular kind of way, I haven't had much to say...Not really, anyway.

I don't know. I'm going to just go with what I've been thinking about and I apologise (yet again) if it doesn't make too much sense.

I've been thinking about God (or god...or gods). 

MJ's passing has led me to these thoughts...OK, this latest round of religion based thoughts, anyway.

My mother has always said that everyone has a God-shaped hole inside of them that's waiting to be filled. That is so like her.

I worry sometimes because I don't really fit the bill....The queer thing. The anti-authority thing. The...Millions of other little things that don't fit in with what God is supposed to like. I'm selfish, jaded, jealous, impure and a lot of other things...I don't eat pork or fish without scales, lol, so maybe that's a start.

At uni last week we were talking about the concept of nihilism...A world where people have turned their backs on God. I wonder if it's not like that. Maybe God's back is turned on me. 

I'm not a "Christian" type person - the typical Christian - and I don't think I ever could be. I think what I'm looking for, what I've always been looking for, is a quiet and personal inner murmur, if that makes sense. Just something that lets me know I'm not lost - not as lost as I feel, anyway - and I'm not wrong. There's nothing wrong with me....

Lol, I don't know even what a typical Christian is like...Ugh. And that label "Christian" drives me mental...Probably no more mental than any other label, but still.

Regarding what lead me to this train of thought, yes, I'm still thinking about Michael Jackson. I mean, how could you not be? It's everywhere! But it's different...Watching YouTube clips and sobbing, or being unable to listen to any other music than my MJ albums...It's not quite right. The thing that gets me most, I think, is what people - not all people, of course - are saying...That it's good he's dead, children will be safer, his kids will be better off....

Yes, he was the brand "Michael Jackson". He was the face of pop...The changing face of pop, yes, but still. He did things with film clips that had never been seen before and will probably never be seen again. His are the most recognisable bass lines, backbeats, choruses and dance moves of two generations (with overspill on either side). The whole shebang!

But he was a person, like you are and like I am, who's name was "Michael Jackson". There are three children out there who're missing their daddy. There's a family who've lost their son, brother and uncle. And I think there's something that makes it even sadder...It feels like a kid died....He was Peter Pan, at least to me, and even though death is but the next great adventure, it's awful.

None of it might make sense to you all, but I hope you'll forgive me for my oddness in this entry. I'm sure it'll pass, lol...It has to. I need to get a good night's sleep.

I have to say, MJ's death wasn't what interrupted my sleep...I haven't had a good night's sleep in about two months...But instead of contemplating the universe when I wake up, I think about him. I know, still weird. I could get used to not waking up three, four, five times a night....

Whatev. Hope all is well with the world, wherever you happen to be in it xoxo

P.S. Just because I've been sleeping badly, that doesn't mean I don't dream. Bruce Willis (I don't even know) was in my dream the other night, sitting naked on the floor with one teal coloured kitten-heeled, peep-toe shoe. It makes absolutely no sense.