Today I'm feeling...
Ugh.
You know, when I was seeing a therapist, she advised me to begin my various journal entries with 'today I' statements; 'today I feel...', 'today I ate...', 'today I saw...' etc. I haven't done that in a long, long time, and, in fact, I barely did it when she suggested it, to be honest. Never really one for being told what to do.
But today is a tricky one. Or at least tonight is.
I've been feeling alright all day. I mean, shitty because of work and things like that, but all in all not terrible.
Tonight I feel a bit heart-racy. A bit anxious. Not tired enough to contemplate sleep (though I will be putting myself to bed shortly). My stomach's all turny and my mind can't settle. Some of this may be attributed to the nicotine in my system, but a lot of it is separate from that, I think.
I wish I could write something, but I can't right now. I can barely stay seated, lol.
Been thinking a bit. I'm understanding where this case of nerves is coming from (at least in some part) - I have those courses coming up soon and I'm feeling dreadfully underprepared; it's been a long time since I've successfully been in a classroom situation and it's been even longer since I've been able to study successfully. I'm worried about how I'm going to handle the situation with my ex on Sunday and how I'll be most comfortable presenting myself (an aloof cunt is probably how I'll come across). I'm very aware of my body right now because I'm not as fit or as healthy as I usually would be and it's getting me down some.
The other thing is that whenever I feel a bit off or low, my mind starts screaming "depression!!!!" at me, whether it's a factor or not. I had my first big episode in 2004/5 which required therapy, medication and hospitalisation to bring under control (I'm not sure if that's a grammatically correct sentence, lol) and my last episode (that can be considered an episode) was only very recent and occurred over the Christmas season. It lasted about nine weeks, I think. To me, that was a biggie and fairly significant, too. I was about to make a doctor's appointment when the clouds started to break.
Unnecessarily worrying myself. Typical. (oop, negative self-talk).
So, I guess, having that most recent episode is still weighing on my mind because even though the statistics show that nine out of ten people who have a severe depressive episode will have others in their lifetime, and I am well aware of that fact, I didn't really expect it to happen to me and I wasn't prepared for it. Which is soooo unlike me *rolls eyes*. I'm just a bit wary of the whole thing still, I think.
Huh. I'm sorry to be clogging up people's flists with this nonsense, I just needed to make some attempt at clearing my head and it seems that typing keeps my hands and mind busier than writing.
Yeah, I'm going to go and have a lie down, I think. Lots of "I thinks" here...Doubt is poison.
Hearts, all.
You know, when I was seeing a therapist, she advised me to begin my various journal entries with 'today I' statements; 'today I feel...', 'today I ate...', 'today I saw...' etc. I haven't done that in a long, long time, and, in fact, I barely did it when she suggested it, to be honest. Never really one for being told what to do.
But today is a tricky one. Or at least tonight is.
I've been feeling alright all day. I mean, shitty because of work and things like that, but all in all not terrible.
Tonight I feel a bit heart-racy. A bit anxious. Not tired enough to contemplate sleep (though I will be putting myself to bed shortly). My stomach's all turny and my mind can't settle. Some of this may be attributed to the nicotine in my system, but a lot of it is separate from that, I think.
I wish I could write something, but I can't right now. I can barely stay seated, lol.
Been thinking a bit. I'm understanding where this case of nerves is coming from (at least in some part) - I have those courses coming up soon and I'm feeling dreadfully underprepared; it's been a long time since I've successfully been in a classroom situation and it's been even longer since I've been able to study successfully. I'm worried about how I'm going to handle the situation with my ex on Sunday and how I'll be most comfortable presenting myself (an aloof cunt is probably how I'll come across). I'm very aware of my body right now because I'm not as fit or as healthy as I usually would be and it's getting me down some.
The other thing is that whenever I feel a bit off or low, my mind starts screaming "depression!!!!" at me, whether it's a factor or not. I had my first big episode in 2004/5 which required therapy, medication and hospitalisation to bring under control (I'm not sure if that's a grammatically correct sentence, lol) and my last episode (that can be considered an episode) was only very recent and occurred over the Christmas season. It lasted about nine weeks, I think. To me, that was a biggie and fairly significant, too. I was about to make a doctor's appointment when the clouds started to break.
Unnecessarily worrying myself. Typical. (oop, negative self-talk).
So, I guess, having that most recent episode is still weighing on my mind because even though the statistics show that nine out of ten people who have a severe depressive episode will have others in their lifetime, and I am well aware of that fact, I didn't really expect it to happen to me and I wasn't prepared for it. Which is soooo unlike me *rolls eyes*. I'm just a bit wary of the whole thing still, I think.
Huh. I'm sorry to be clogging up people's flists with this nonsense, I just needed to make some attempt at clearing my head and it seems that typing keeps my hands and mind busier than writing.
Yeah, I'm going to go and have a lie down, I think. Lots of "I thinks" here...Doubt is poison.
Hearts, all.