Not watching pr0n.
Weehoo. Looks like cuts aren't shit anymore. Much happy about that.
Um. Nothing much happened over the weekend. Quiet. Bored - as per usual. My mother likes to adherre to the thought that "only boring people get bored". I like to believe that only people who are sociopaths or people who aren't adequately entertained get bored. Sadly, boredom is a recurring theme with me...I find it hard to fully engage in something or at least engage in something that I can sink my teeth into.
Ah. *enter glottal utterance here*
Went to mi padre's for my brother's belated birthday dinner thingo. Oldest little sister has gone to Queensland with a friend and her family for a week (damned school holidays). She's thirteen. She's a great kid, very clever, and I'm sure she'll do fine - she knows the difference between right and wrong etc and so forth, but I know that she's been having a rough time lately. I'm hoping that this trip will just give her a break, you know? I mean her dad's recently passed and my dad's not entirely sure how to deal with a teenaged girl (poor fucker), so he's being a little hard on her, which I can't say would be helping.
Talked a bit to my dad's partner (stepsisters' mother) about said sib. Learned some things about her and where she's at. She's pretty much where I was at her age...Engaging in self-controlling behaviours because everything else is beyond her control. When she gets back I'm going to talk to her...I think she's etting to that age where she will be able to understand where I'm coming from and some of the things that I went through. I really don't want her to have to go through these things the way I did - it was hard and lonely. At least she's got someone who's had those experiences to talk to. I was very much alone.
Got to talking about happiness and that whole concept. And I realised something. It takes a lot for me to be happy...Like to be caution-to-the-winds, not-a-care-in-the-world happy. I find it hard work, which I don't believe it should be. I always saw "happy" as being something that's just there - very accessible and open to everyone - but over the last few years I've learned that that is so not the case. I'm also very wary of happiness because my experiences tell me that happiness is fleeting and when you are happy and that gets taken away, you feel worse, so I don't trust it entirely (see: at all). I'm sure that there's a certain mode of self-sabotage there, too, but fuck it.
Um. Yeah. Downer.
Today is definately a great day for writing. It's a shame that I have nothing to say. Ugh, Emmy rerun, have to go change the channel. Heh, SVU is on. I'm going through a bit of a Huang/Stabler jag at the moment...I've got to look at the two characters a little more in depth first, I think, but I've got the bones of a good anger!fic down already.
So yeah. Beneath the cut is a little thingo for all_unwritten. I've decided to be more active in my writing, even though there is no great Muse or brilliant experience right now. I think I should learn to write even when I'm feeling....Alright....Rather than just write when I'm miserable or obsessed with something, lol. Anyhow, the prompt was "what's on your mind". A hard topic when there's nothing there. Very short, no tl;drs, lol.
The absence of anything meaningful worries me - a cold chill crawls dirtily down my spine.
There's nothing substantial here, only the merest fluttering of half-finished sentences and tumbleweed idead wafting down the road that is my Corpus Callosum.
There are shadows here, hidden in the mist of paltry ideas, and they frighten me. Their words are chattering echoes and their limbs are long and spiny. They'll come to me soon enough and produce something that matters, however fearsome.