Soo...
Bought Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinburg on Tuesday. Finished it yesterday morning. I'd heard so much about it from so many different people and I'd never heard a bad word about it, so I seized my opportunity to own a copy and I was so not disappointed. It's a queer classic for a reason. It was truely amazing. God, just reading the first part - the letter in the beginning - made me want to cry. But I didn't. I couldn't. Not because I'm stone, lol, but because I just can't.
I thought a lot about what being Stone Butch meant and whether it means anything in terms of todays queers. I mean, do people still categorize themselves as such? Of course it doesn't matter what label you wear so long as you're the one who chose it and you wear it proudly. I will admit, I like the idea of the Butch Femme dichotomy, even though people find it a bit stifling and backward. As for the Stone part of it, being emotionally out of reach, not just from other people, but from yourself too. I guess there'd be this misconception that because a Stone Butch wouldn't show their emotions, that that would mean they didn't have any. I believe that they'd feel them more because there's no real outlet for them.
I don't consider myself anywhere near Stone (not cool enough or controlled enough), but I do recognise that I have issues identifying and expressing my emotions. It's always perfectly fine for other people to cry and what not, but for me it's not an option. And certainly not in public if I can absolutely help it. I always feel weak (pussy boi) if I cry in public and I hate myself for it. Welcome to my world of double standards, it's not fair, but there you go.
Just reading through some of the stuff that the main character, Jess, went through really hit some nerves with me. For exapmle, she'd dress up in her father's suit and wonder what she'd be like when she grew up. It kept coming back to the playing dress ups throughout the book and it made me realise that I never played dress up. I never did because people would always want me to wear a dress and I wouldn't. They didn't know it was because I couldn't rather than wouldn't. The way I'd feel in a dress is terrible. Still is. Makes me feel...Vulnerable in a really horrible kind of way. Fortunately I'm old enough to dress myself now.
Another thing that was mentioned in the book was using public bathrooms, which is something I only do if I absolutely have to. Or if the bathroom is unisex, which is rare. I often get that look from people...Any gender-bending people who read this (not that there'd be too many) know exactly what look I mean and what people mean by it. And how it makes you feel.
Anyways, back to the book. It was really fucking excellent. Honestly, I could talk about it for days....Pretty much did in my pen and paper journal. Go read it now.
Yesterday was a strange day for me, actually. I felt...Cloudy. Heavy. I'd had a full night's sleep and felt like I'd not only been up all night, but had run a marathon. I didn't just feel physically tired, but I felt emotionally fragile too. It's been a really long time since I felt like that. The past couple of weeks have been a bit up and down for me anyway, but yesterday reminded me of how I used to feel. Yeah, I don't know.
Had soccer training last night too. I felt much better afterwards, though. Belt the leather off a soccer ball and run until I couldn't any more. Made me feel like I'd accomplished something, lol, just pushed my body. It's a great feeling.
Today was...Again, I flet like I hadn't slept a wink, but aside from that I was alright. Not perfect, but alright. I even ate breakfast because I didn't start work today until 11am. A bagel. Didn't have lunch really because I wasn't hungry as a result of breakfast, lol...But I did eat a great blueberry muffin and drank my daily coke, lol.
Guh. I'm not even sure if any of that post makes any sense at all, but there you go. I'm tired.
P.S. Also, everyone has to see The Machinist with Christian Bale. It was fucking excellent, in a weird kind of way. he had to drop all this weight for the role and he said that as a result he felt like he'd done something big....I appreciate hearing someone (a celebrity) say something like that. You'd not get something that honest usually. Anyways, the movie itself was really compelling. You couldn't help but watch it, lol.
I thought a lot about what being Stone Butch meant and whether it means anything in terms of todays queers. I mean, do people still categorize themselves as such? Of course it doesn't matter what label you wear so long as you're the one who chose it and you wear it proudly. I will admit, I like the idea of the Butch Femme dichotomy, even though people find it a bit stifling and backward. As for the Stone part of it, being emotionally out of reach, not just from other people, but from yourself too. I guess there'd be this misconception that because a Stone Butch wouldn't show their emotions, that that would mean they didn't have any. I believe that they'd feel them more because there's no real outlet for them.
I don't consider myself anywhere near Stone (not cool enough or controlled enough), but I do recognise that I have issues identifying and expressing my emotions. It's always perfectly fine for other people to cry and what not, but for me it's not an option. And certainly not in public if I can absolutely help it. I always feel weak (pussy boi) if I cry in public and I hate myself for it. Welcome to my world of double standards, it's not fair, but there you go.
Just reading through some of the stuff that the main character, Jess, went through really hit some nerves with me. For exapmle, she'd dress up in her father's suit and wonder what she'd be like when she grew up. It kept coming back to the playing dress ups throughout the book and it made me realise that I never played dress up. I never did because people would always want me to wear a dress and I wouldn't. They didn't know it was because I couldn't rather than wouldn't. The way I'd feel in a dress is terrible. Still is. Makes me feel...Vulnerable in a really horrible kind of way. Fortunately I'm old enough to dress myself now.
Another thing that was mentioned in the book was using public bathrooms, which is something I only do if I absolutely have to. Or if the bathroom is unisex, which is rare. I often get that look from people...Any gender-bending people who read this (not that there'd be too many) know exactly what look I mean and what people mean by it. And how it makes you feel.
Anyways, back to the book. It was really fucking excellent. Honestly, I could talk about it for days....Pretty much did in my pen and paper journal. Go read it now.
Yesterday was a strange day for me, actually. I felt...Cloudy. Heavy. I'd had a full night's sleep and felt like I'd not only been up all night, but had run a marathon. I didn't just feel physically tired, but I felt emotionally fragile too. It's been a really long time since I felt like that. The past couple of weeks have been a bit up and down for me anyway, but yesterday reminded me of how I used to feel. Yeah, I don't know.
Had soccer training last night too. I felt much better afterwards, though. Belt the leather off a soccer ball and run until I couldn't any more. Made me feel like I'd accomplished something, lol, just pushed my body. It's a great feeling.
Today was...Again, I flet like I hadn't slept a wink, but aside from that I was alright. Not perfect, but alright. I even ate breakfast because I didn't start work today until 11am. A bagel. Didn't have lunch really because I wasn't hungry as a result of breakfast, lol...But I did eat a great blueberry muffin and drank my daily coke, lol.
Guh. I'm not even sure if any of that post makes any sense at all, but there you go. I'm tired.
P.S. Also, everyone has to see The Machinist with Christian Bale. It was fucking excellent, in a weird kind of way. he had to drop all this weight for the role and he said that as a result he felt like he'd done something big....I appreciate hearing someone (a celebrity) say something like that. You'd not get something that honest usually. Anyways, the movie itself was really compelling. You couldn't help but watch it, lol.