You're an Aussie if....
So, in celebration of the Australia Day long weekend (because we Aussies won't celebrate anything unless there's a long weekend), here's a list of things all good Aussies should know or do. Or believe. And upon reading through it, I think I understand why so many people are confused by us.
The italics are mine.
The italics are mine.
1) You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2) You believe that stubbies are something you either drink or wear.
3) You think it's normal to have a leader named Kevin.
4) You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired discount petrol vouchers stuffed into your wallet.
5) You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden. Note: Not because smoking pot is legalised, but because unnecessary water usage is illegal.
6) You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school. Note: It's so not what you think.
7) When you hear an American "roots for his team", you wonder with whom and how often.
8) You understand that a "group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less fulfilling alluring than it sounds.
9) You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10) You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff". Note: Only if you're making fun of someone from there.
11) You believe that the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional. Note: No it's not. ever.
12) You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Macca's".
13) You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate it's highways with large fibregass sheep, prawns and bananas.
14) You call your best friend "a total bastard", but someone you really and truely despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15) You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16) You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. Note: Not drop-bears.
17) You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18) You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be shortened to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19) You believe that cooked down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20) You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they become Kiwis again.
21) Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course. Note: Only if you want your burger to turn pink.
22) You know that certain words, by law, must be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song "Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again". Note: Those words are, "No way, get fucked, fuck off".
23) You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24) You still don't get why the "Labor" in the "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25) You wear ugg boots outside the house. Note: Not ever. Unless you're a total bogan, in which case, go ahead.
26) You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Aussie but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27) You believe that the more you shorten a person's name, the more you like them.
28) Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in any Asian language.
29) You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "'scuse me" is always polite.
30) You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31) You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse". Note: No.
32) You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33) Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket.
34) You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies". Note: They're called "ANZAC Biscuits" and the only biscuit company that can get away with it is Arnott's. Until it was sold to the Yanks.
35) You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours". Note: Whose name was Charlene.
36) When returning home from overseas, you expect to get brutally strip-searched by Customs...Just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37) You believe that the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered. Note: Again, bogans only.
38) You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39) When working on a bar, you understand that male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40) You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second. Note: I went to a school where you had to sing the second verse. Hint: It begins "Beneath the radiant Southern Cross".
41) You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42) You know, whatever the tourist books say, no one - anywhere - says "cobber".
2) You believe that stubbies are something you either drink or wear.
3) You think it's normal to have a leader named Kevin.
4) You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired discount petrol vouchers stuffed into your wallet.
5) You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden. Note: Not because smoking pot is legalised, but because unnecessary water usage is illegal.
6) You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school. Note: It's so not what you think.
7) When you hear an American "roots for his team", you wonder with whom and how often.
8) You understand that a "group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less fulfilling alluring than it sounds.
9) You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10) You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff". Note: Only if you're making fun of someone from there.
11) You believe that the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional. Note: No it's not. ever.
12) You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Macca's".
13) You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate it's highways with large fibregass sheep, prawns and bananas.
14) You call your best friend "a total bastard", but someone you really and truely despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15) You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16) You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. Note: Not drop-bears.
17) You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18) You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be shortened to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19) You believe that cooked down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20) You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they become Kiwis again.
21) Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course. Note: Only if you want your burger to turn pink.
22) You know that certain words, by law, must be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song "Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again". Note: Those words are, "No way, get fucked, fuck off".
23) You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24) You still don't get why the "Labor" in the "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25) You wear ugg boots outside the house. Note: Not ever. Unless you're a total bogan, in which case, go ahead.
26) You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Aussie but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27) You believe that the more you shorten a person's name, the more you like them.
28) Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in any Asian language.
29) You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "'scuse me" is always polite.
30) You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31) You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse". Note: No.
32) You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33) Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket.
34) You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies". Note: They're called "ANZAC Biscuits" and the only biscuit company that can get away with it is Arnott's. Until it was sold to the Yanks.
35) You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours". Note: Whose name was Charlene.
36) When returning home from overseas, you expect to get brutally strip-searched by Customs...Just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37) You believe that the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered. Note: Again, bogans only.
38) You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39) When working on a bar, you understand that male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40) You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second. Note: I went to a school where you had to sing the second verse. Hint: It begins "Beneath the radiant Southern Cross".
41) You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42) You know, whatever the tourist books say, no one - anywhere - says "cobber".