WARNING: Lecturing me is a bad idea.

Re-read the interview Daniel Johns did with Andrew Denton on Enough Rope (how good is that show?!) and they spoke about this imaginary friend Daniel had before his little brother was born. God it's funny. Here y'are...

DANIEL JOHNS: He was REAL, like, yeah. That's not even a joke. He was so... I could touch him, feel him. I took him to school. I would scream if my parents didn't set him a place at the table. You know, I'd have showers, and be in the shower with Dad - he'd nurse me - and I'd be screaming because Robin was getting shampoo in his eyes. I knew how much that hurts. Especially a fragile young thing like Robin was. 
ANDREW DENTON: Yeah. 
DANIEL JOHNS: But that only lasted, I think, for about 18 months, and then my brother was born and I went...kind of had to decide, and went, "Go with the brother 'cause it looks more 3-D." 'Cause Robin was kind of... Robin was like a cross between... It was like 2.5-D. It was a cross between two-dimensional and three. There was something weird about it. I can never quite understand that.

I've always loved Daniel Johns. Always. I do believe that whilst his life may have gotten better during the "Diorama" period, his music really didn't. I think it's the last listenable album Silverchair ever did. Neon Ballroom is my favourite because I'm lame....Actually, no. Because I have very vivid memories of that CD playing at very surreal parts of my life.

Anyway, if I was to be honest - and this is a journal, so I think I should - I am and always have been jealous of him. Talented, abso-flogging-lutely...No question. Vulnerable, yep...Well, back then. But God! Some gawky muso has stolen the body I have always wanted. I mean, he's older than me, so I suppose he has the rights to it. But you know what I'm driving at here. I hate it so much, but I crave it. A lot. All the time....Well, often anyway.

It's not because I want to be "pretty and thin" *shudders* I hate those girls so much. But I think (at least partly) because I'm a control freak. You can only control people so much and make them do what you want only for so long...I used to be skinny for a bunch of reasons, but one of the reasons was much like Daniel Johns' reason....If you're sick, people won't pick on you any more. Ladies and gents, that's 100%, pure and unadulterated bullshit. I also wanted to change the shape of my body....But I learned the hard way that bone structure is fixed and muscle mass is hard to change. I hated my body. Absolutely hated it. Couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror...And if I did have to, I'd only look at my face. Because I loved the way my face looked when I lost weight.

Secret?? Still do love the way my face looks when I get thin. And wrists. Collar bones. Hips....Why do you think I normally wear my jeans so low? I love knowing that when you stretch or something, and your shirt rides up, some "popular", weight-obsessed bitch will catch a look and be jealous. Mmmm...And two skinny people having sex?? Your hips get so deliciously bruised. I like those bruises like I love hickeys.

I'm kind of a conflicted person. So, I'm going to leave you for now with some favourite pictures of mine. I hope they worked; I can't see them right now because the computer I'm on is fucked up.

You can use the word "thinspiration" in reference to those pics, by the way, but I wouldn't. I hate those buzz words.