Don't bite off more than you can chew...Or if you do, chew like hell...

I often feel like I'm in over my head. 

Not with anything in particular, just with my life. I worry that I'll never be able to fully find a place for myself in this world. I know it would be damn near impossible for me to function in a nine-to-five environment...I can't deal with pressure - I just crack. I know I'd need to find my own niche, but I'm also aware of just how hard that would be.

I need a life where I can just be me, live life without deadlines and live against the grain. Hmm.

I sometimes wonder when I'll be able to get my arse into gear. I know I ought to get a wriggle on with that, but the thought of finally getting out into the world scares the absolute crap out of me. 

When I was staying at Legs' apartment, we were talking about our "things"...Like our personality quirks/issues. She is absolutely obsessed with tidiness and order. She doesn't have very many possessions and only lives with what she needs, which I personally find admirable....I'd always known that I have an issue with the amount of stuff I have, but I'd never consciously thought about it.

I find it so fucking hard to get rid of anything. I seriously think, "what if I need that?". For example, I once hugely cleaned my room and went through a stack of magazines that I'd amassed over a period of about three years (I know), and I had to go through all of them (every single one) in case there was any article or something that I might need at a later date. As a result, some of those magazines are still in my possession. I also can't throw out old school books for the same reason.

When I do completely clean/tidy my room (which is rarely), it is completely ordered. All books are sorted in alphabetical order according to author and title, they are then sorted into height order. I have so many books, it makes my head hurt. My CDs and DVDs are sorted alphabetically too. All my shoes are ordered and everything is neat. Which freaks me out because I start to worry that I'll mess it up. And because I'm so scared that I'll fuck up, I wind up putting things on top of other things, instead of moving things around to disturb the orderliness.

I know it's cyclical and fucked up - and I know this is the beginning of a hoarding issue - but it seriously fucks me up to know that there are reasons for my room looking like a sty, rather than my laziness.

I also realised that the other reason I can't get rid of things is because they're mine. I know it's selfish. I think it's an attachment thing....Putting massive attachment on objects rather than people. Perhaps a reason why I can be possessive of people. Hmm...A whole can of worms of itself.

I'm going to stop there because this whole thing is making me anxious. I know it's getting close to the time I have to clean my room....It really is a shitheap...But I really don't want to.