It's my own fault...When did thin stop being in??

OK, so from a introspective stand point this is interesting...But to me it's like deja vu. I remember feeling like this; this illness in the pit of my stomach...My stomach....God. That disgust at waking up every morning and feeling like I was the most unattractive thing out....Isn't it strange the effects of your head have on your body?? OK....I'm out of control, so I'm going to control the only things I can; what goes into and comes out of my body....mia...do i miss you???

I hate having to see myself in the mirror like this. I had to get changed for bed and in my room there's a big double mirror. I can't stand not being able to train or play soccer. I can't stand that I have to rest my knee...I mean, the pain is insane and constant...But I could put up with it if I could be active.

I know this is all negative self talk (oh therapy), and I know it's destructive, even though I'm in recovery...But I can't complain because I brought it on myself when I let my head get to this point....

I also....Did something I shouldn't have. Checked out an old favourite site....I feel stupid. Terrible. Insane for jeopardizing my health like this. Maybe part of it was curiosity...Can I still be triggered?? Turns out, yeah. I can.

I hate the way my body looks right now. I honestly can't stand it. But God....Wow...Dry retching. Ick....That's what happens when I think about myself in this type of headspace.

But, I know that generally I'm in a good, healthy place. I need not to be judged by others (even though I am) because I am finally in control...My life is good for the most part, my family life is normal - or as normal as it's going to get with my clan. My relationship with food is pretty much stable and loving...As anyone who's seen me eat would say. SI is no longer a part of my life and weirdly enough I'm grateful...Although I will admit that it is still extremely hard sometimes...And I think it always will be. Same with this body image thing, depression and addictions. Once things like that are inside you, they will never leave...As they say in "the program", once an addict, always an addict.

I think once you've experienced things like those, it's like living with a serious but non-fatal disease. Although it might not kill you, you will live with it and deal with it every day for the rest of your life.

Don't worry about this, lol. It'll most certainly pass. Sometimes a lapse in recovery is necessary to see your true progress :-) I have tomorrow with my friends to look forward to :-D