fangirl anonymous

thoughts small and large

2016-04-17T22:17:30Z

One: Being Responsible

Work: That One Project was delivered, no significant bad feedback which is Very Good considering what I heard about how it went last year, so cool, I'll take it. But the entire hospital went through a major tech upgrade a few weeks ago, and the fallout is Large and Mostly Unknown, which is the worst, because it means my supervisors are very stressed and can't productively fix the sources of their stress. :/ I am mostly just trying to keep my head down and not get too caught up in things, but we will see how it goes.
Moving: On hold. Loan officers and realtors are jerks. I'm trying very hard not to be bitter about this, but god, I'm so bitter and so helpless, it's the worst.
Health stuff: My skin is having more frequent freakout moments, it is the wooooooooorst. A daily OTC antihistamine seems to help a little, but I'm becoming pretty dependent on it and that's just terrible. It also really saps my spoons/general energy to Do Shit, which is a connection I'm ashamed to say I hadn't realized before, but would explain a lot about earlier points in my life. I also probably need to get better at monitoring my diet...but uuuuuuugh, so much energy. Bodies are the worst.

Two: R/relationships

Workplace Friendships: In the process of the major tech upgrade, I had an opportunity to make some new friends in other departments, which has been awesome and grounding in a way that I didn't even realize I needed. Also that terribly inappropriate crush has turned into something resembling a close friendship. We're no longer meeting regularly to study, but we find ways to catch up now and then, and that's really pleasant.
Not-work Friendships: Continue to be great. My local folks are Good People. I still deeply miss my not-local folks, sigh forever. But it is official that I'm attending that wedding this summer, at least, so I'll hopefully see many of them.
Local dating and the Poly Dance: Adding at least one person to the pile, who deeply impressed me yesterday with a deep knowledge base, a shared love for food adventures, and a fun time between the sheets. There's some interesting challenges here - our knowledge bases are deep but not necessarily shared, the distance isn't great (but better than some people in my life), and there's some physical body/intimacy challenges that I'm not used to dealing with. But I want to see where it goes.
A major shift: So as most of you know, I was planning to go to Boston next weekend, mostly to see someone specific who was an important part of my life. I'd realized, though, that we've been drifting from each other, and I didn't have the spoons to deal with the logistics of getting to and from Boston from my parents' place right now - so I canceled the trip. I am eating up a nontrivial number of dollars for this decision, but that's...not fine, but /fine/, if you know what I mean. I'm a little sad about having to make this decision, but it's the right one.

Three: Fandom

Plastic robots: Progress is being made! I'm definitely feeling a lot more confident in my skills than I was when I started the year and that is SUPER REWARDING.
Animated robots and not-robots: IBO finished, and I'm a little disappointed in the ending, but the series is strong as a whole. There's new Macross now and that's been super fun. I've also been doing a Build Fighters episode a day, which has been a joy. New Jojo too, which has been an UTTER DELIGHT.
Fanfic: Gonna get back into this. Making Gundam friends on Twitter has been rewarding!
Fußball: CHAMPIONS LEAAAAAAAAAAGUE. I am very nervous about Bayern vs. Athleti, but we will see how it goes!
Roguelikes: DCSS: Circus Animals is a really promising and radically different fork of DCSS that's been really enjoyable. IRDC continues on, and I'm drafting a Code of Conduct, which will be the subject of my next email blast.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

at random

2016-01-20T04:03:14Z

So I said I'd observe things more and write down what I observe. So.

I might be somewhat lactose intolerant?? Hahaha oh god. I know I have relatively little to complain about with regards to diet compared to some people but just my normal allergy set is exhausting to me so this is Not Fun. I can do "vegetarian milks in coffee and cocoa" just fine, but if I have to give up cheese I will cry, and if I have to give up yogurt well there went an easy to access protein filled American style breakfast.
If I don't get outside during sunlight hours, even a little, I go batshit nuts by late afternoon. This is kind of problematic when it's brutally cold outside, but it does mean my lunch hour needs to be freakin' sacred. It's also not necessarily great on the weekends for indoorsy hobbies and saving money, but uh, we'll figure that one out.
If I have coffee after noon, I can't sleep at night. This probably also extends to caffeinated teas, but oh god if you take my green tea away from me what will my hands fiddle with at work???
I'm not good at reaching out to people outside of "hey, when can I next see you" or "hey, you are a subject matter expert in a thing I need help in, advice plz?" I am working on this a little bit in a group chat with some friends and with my lovers but it is hard!
Relatedly, at work i tend to interrupt people without realizing it? bleeeeeeeeeeh sociability how you do. But other than that work is actually...pretty good???? my bosses seem mostly happy and i'm starting to adjust so that's neat. it's looking like my responsibilities are going to ramp up. i'm hoping this means a nontrivial raise because...
...that offer on that apartment went through and the contract is signed! Assuming the mortgage application and board interview go well, which they should, I'll be moving in April. Sometime around PAX. hahahhaha AUGH WHAT IS LOGISTICS
also in AUGH WHAT IS LOGISTICS: the wedding I'm attending isn't actually in Florida, which threw a whole pile of plans out the proverbial window, but I want to see my friends again so I will go anyway. Also IRDC New York is probably going to be a thing also in the summer? oh god i hope i am not taking too much on
I'm making good progress on making femme-as-hell self care (nail polish and actually using my makeup, basically) a habit and refining techniques, which is a fun hobby. Navigating the unique contours and colors of my face to figure out what's flattering to me is an interesting back and forth. Coppery metallic eyeshadow (when my eyelids aren't inflamed to hell), mascara, peachy highlighter/blush, and berry lip gloss has become my workday staples (they live in a tiny bag in my desk). And thank God I work at a place that lets me still put on weird nail polish colors! <3
I'm also making progress on building tiny plastic robots as a hobby, which is /also/ fun. When I got back to NY I found I had a ZZ GM III unfinished, and snapfit that together; New Year's Day I took advantage of the one day sale at Midtown Comics and picked up a Thunderbolt Zaku 1, which I snapfitted, panel lined, and (mostly) decal'd; and just this past weekend I finally went to Image Anime and picked up Amida's Hyakuren (from IBO, which has been the fuel for my recent Gundam obsession). All HGs, so small and simple, but still really lovely. The Zaku was pleasingly complicated; it's looking like the Hyakuren will be very simple by comparison, but I don't mind because it's still really lovely looking and of the pilots in IBO, Amida is my favorite <3. I don't think I'll get into painting any time soon, just due to ventilation and time constraints, but panel lining alone really elevates the look of a kit. I picked up cutters before building the Zaku, and they made a huge difference - not having the right tools probably is why my ancient Tachikoma from my college days fell apart, tbh. I've also now finally got some super high grit sandpaper, so things will only look better and better, even without paint.
Neither fitting into gender norms nor elevating war fantasies are unproblematic things; also, both hobbies fuel incredibly awkward capitalistic habits and probably use distressingly un-environmentalist materials (especially the nail polish). But fuck it, nothing in this world is truly unproblematic, and both of these hobbies have become self care. i will probably explore both of these in their own posts later. hmm.
I also need to write a post filled with spoilers about my /actual/ IBO plot/character feelings, especially regarding the Turbines, who are the definition of "problematic fave" for me nowadays. I've found some people also watching on Twitter and Reddit, and (of all places) 4chan's /cm/ board isn't a bad place. But god almighty, I miss fandom Livejournal and a preponderance of good fanfiction, because I want to read ALL THE FANFIC AND HEADCANONS.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

Yuletide reveals past and present

2016-01-03T15:48:44Z

I haven't done a post like this before somehow, so let's do this!

2011 - I wrote Look Around You: Yuletide. Weird, cracky, very "inside baseball"; this fic probably only makes sense if you're part of the flailing around the Yuletide tradition, but I'd like to think it does so pretty successfully. The very strict structure of Look Around You (i.e. in the style of old educational television) is absolutely fantastic to work with. Probably my most popular fic ever, because there's actually plenty of people familiar with Yuletide.

I received three fun, sweet things: A Sucker is Born Every Minute and And Substitute My Own, two fics that took an offhanded question about Good Eats ("how did Alton and W meet?") and spun the answers into weird, tone-perfect, lovely delights; plus The Great Yeti Adventure., which might be the cutest "lost episode" of Boy Meets World to exist.

2012 - I wrote within these secret spaces. Playing to my strengths here, character study and small scenes, in the fantastic Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. Kushana learning about who Nausicaä really is after the events depicted, with a hint that could be taken romantically but doesn't have to be. I wrote this to work with either the movie canon or the manga one, though I only got to review the movie before writing.

I received an absolutely delightful Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex short: A Tachikoma by Any Other Name.

2015 - I wrote {T}raumdeuter. Finally writing some football RPF again, though this technically takes place in the world of the world's most delightful Coke Zero commercial. Finally writing porn, too, and getting back into genderfuckery in a lighthearted way! But really, this started with the thought of "how would I make the football world more magical? Taking everyone who calls Thomas Müller an impossible, magical being literally, and giving him Haruhi Suzumiya style reality bending prowess." I'm just glad it worked. :P

I'm practically weeping with joy about what I recieved this year: we're still the same, we're still the same. It is, for all intents and purposes, the Lahm/Schweinsteiger fanfic of my heart, studying some of the most fascinating people in this sport and how they grow both apart and together, and I just. I have already read it 20+ times and I will probably reread it hundreds more and the whole thing is now my headcanon of how I view the both of them, ugh it is fantastic thank you thank you.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

musings and amusements

2015-12-02T23:23:33Z

Boss came back, things went well, but now all the work that was on backlog pending his arrival is back on my plate to get done. And some of it involves looking at data that is sad (e.g. "how often do we put patients in restraints in our psych ward, and for how long?") Oof oof oof.

I always knew I wouldn't make it to my friend's baby shower in FL. I didn't realize until today that due to family commitments I probably can't even make it remotely/over Skype. Blah. I am thinking a lot about my old friends vs. my hometown.

Someone linked this interview about creativity, depression, and breaking up long term relationships to me, and it's fascinating, even if I feel I've read everything there is about depression out there. :P That someone is rather open about "unwell brainmeats", and we had a great empathy for quite a while, but I'd lost touch...probably should fix that.

Brighter things:

For those of you that don't know, Google/Android has this little app where they offer marketing surveys in exchange for small amounts of App Store credit. I have one today that is seriously kind of outstanding:

Q1: Do you watch Youtube videos on your "me time"? (Yes / I don't watch Youtube / No)
Q2: How often do you watch Youtube videos with your significant other? (Always / Often / Sometimes / Never)
Q3: Of the following movies, which do you think is most quoteable? (The Big Lebowski / Princess Bride / Space Balls)

As someone who loves all three of those movies and what they represent to my young adulthood...this is amazing. I have NO IDEA what Youtube is studying with this info, but I REALLY WANT TO FIND OUT.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

i barely wrote at all last month oops

2015-12-02T00:20:42Z

a. ahaha. ~~Sorry about that~~ Thank you for your patience. (I'm trying to replace at least some of my apologies with gratitude, as per this.)

I'm going to try blogging semi-regularly again, a mix of the personal and the fandom-y things. Feel free to read/comment but don't feel obliged? Or something? This is mostly for my own reference; reminding me of things to bring up in therapy, or to chat about with friends/cuties/others.

Weather changes are fucking terrible, and missing a community I love dearly is also terrible, and so is watching their lives drift away from my own. There's a great This American Life segment about the last idea, though with a very different context than mine. But God almighty, I miss having the routine of a set of nerds to hang out with who have known me forever, even if we didn't actually /do all that much/ necessarily. Also sunshine and not having to wear 50 billion layers, god that was nice, even if I never walked around in Florida and I always do now.

I like my job but I'm no longer gung-ho enthusiastic about it, but it feels doable anyway, so that's nice vs. burning out I guess. I hope I can stay in it for a super long time, not necessarily for the work itself but just for the sake of...stability and having one less thing to worry about, I guess? My boss has been out of the office for the past week and a half and I've been kinda slacking but a lot of it needs to get back on his plate anyway, so uh, I'm not entirely just being lazy and awful, I think. I hope. We'll find out tomorrow?

Also I have an incredibly attractive coworker who basically admitted both a desire to keep professional distance and concern about depression in /basically/ the same conversation. (We are...oddly close and yet not close, and this is really hard for me to parse right now partially due to physical attraction and partially for a really deep seated need to have people to consistently reach out to, I think? And also emotionally I see fragments of my ex in their personality, but I see that in everyone I'm attracted to, so that doesn't necessarily say a lot.... Something to think about.)

I am trying Very Hard to reach out to friends and cuties and make them a regular part of my life but it takes me like, specifically reminding myself and kind of dragging myself out of my head and into the world. I don't like that it doesn't feel natural, I don't like that I second-guess myself every time I'm invited out. It's also a huge adjustment to go from basically a community/squad/pile of people who all know each other to people who are mostly strangers to each other and only have me in common. I'm also not as engaging a conversationalist as I'd like to be and that's kinda weird too. Thus this post.

In better, fandom news:

I ended up Yuletiding anyway though I didn't put much effort into it. I have a good prompt but I am stuck, but I have faith I'll get /some/thing out on time and get something enjoyable out of it, and that is what matters.

I'm playing a lot of Android roguelikes lately, and knocked out my first Shattered Pixel Dungeon win (as well as two Hoplite wins I didn't get pictures of). I solemnly swear I will beat DCSS one day, but honestly most of my gaming is happening on my commute now, so lots of Android games and the occasional 3DS free-to-start silliness.

Also, man, I really like giant robot series that have wonderfully nuanced characters, and this one does and it's free to watch so you should watch it so I have someone to talk to about it. If you're cool with violence and some relatively awkward female physical character design, anyway. (Though the ladies in question are clearly very competent.) It also has a...weird and so-close-to-being-amazing model of polyamory that really intrigues me, but I don't think they'll explore it in the ways I want them to. But the possibilities, and the fact that it's canon at all, makes me VERY EXCITED.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

random thought on fandom

2015-10-21T02:07:01Z

I feel like I've forgotten how to participate in fandom, or that the ways it happens now have zoomed past me, or that I just don't feel the impulse to participate anymore, just to watch. Maybe all of the above?

I don't want to say this is "me growing up", but...maybe? I know now I was probably depressed or otherwise mentally in "recovery mode" instead of "growth mode" during the times I was most active doing stuff on the Internet instead of off of it (high school, grad school and the first year or so after it, maybe 2013 as well, and from February to May this year). Those last two are interesting because other than a tiny handful of fics I was mostly involved in things that are clearly fannish but not necessarily what I think of as "classic" fandom; my work on Youtube and Twitch were clearly acts of love of someone else's work, but they feel very different even from, say, helping louis_quatorze with the German NT primer, let alone writing fanfiction.

I am definitely in "growth mode" now - exploring relationships on my own terms, navigating work that's been deeply fulfilling, taking in New York City. These things take time, time that takes me away from the devices that keep me away from fannish Internet. But I do spend time "to myself", and most of that time is still spent soaking in bits of "canon" and to a lesser degree "fanon" - but not necessarily participating in fandom-building myself, and my canon absorption is not as thorough as it once was. (As an example, I no longer set my alarm for soccer games, and have forgotten to check when they're happening more times now than my 2011 self would ever be comfortable with.) And I do pick cuties/partners who are understanding of geek culture and fandom as a rule, though they don't necessarily share /my/ fandoms - though I consider that a plus. (And I'm willing to get into fandoms through them...heck, I'm considering offering two fandoms in Yuletide because of exposure to the canons from cuties.)

But do I want to write fanfic again? Do I have those stories in me? Do I want to participate in fannish conversation, finally learn how to Tumblr or have more fannish conversations on Twitter or take part in a revitalization of Dreamwidth or Livejournal? Do I want or need those communities, when I'm busy building communities and relationships with people I see face to face all the time? Do I have the energy for them?

tl;dr: do I want to participate in Yuletide at all?

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

upcoming writing

2015-10-19T01:48:40Z

So last night I was chatting with staticxfever and we decided that we both want to write every day in November 2015.

So here I'm throwing out ideas of things I could see myself writing next month. This isn't meant to be binding in any way, just brainstormy when I get partway through November and can't decide what to write. :)

personal essays
* defining the ideals of my current romantic model
* talking about the reality of making that happen
* compulsive planning in general vs. the spontaneity of emotion
* examining how a relationship goes wrong? or is this too raw?
* examining living in NY again, Queens specifically
* thoughts on the first-gen immigrant emotional rollercoaster
* maybe write some erotica vaguely based on real experience, in the style of /r/gonewildstories?

not so personal essays
* things i have learned from working in healthcare
* deep thoughts on roguelikes
* recaps Mary Sue style (re)watching something??

poetry
* revising "to a set of poets, regarding (dirty) talk"
* probably something about redefining the word "love"
* probably something about seasons and witnessing change, FL vs NY
** speaking of holy shit how did i write this 11 years ago and it feels better than anything i can write now?? http://theopenhouse.livejournal.com/23291.html

fanfic
* this weird mostly Bayern magical realism idea that I won't really share details on publicly just yet
* more Pia-verse? there's a few never-quite-written scenes...but considering the inspiration for Pia is no longer my partner, and the really deep emotional rollercoaster that is getting over that relationship and my understanding of queer attraction in general...idk???
* would it be weird to expand on 4or5paragraphs's Bayern Pacific Rim AU??????
* "becoming the hermit", aka FILLING IN ALL THE BATTLE TENDENCY TO STARDUST CRUSADERS GAPS GODDAMNIT
* oh right I had a Jojo's crossdresser idea too because I'M PREDICTABLE but ugh that might be even more emotionally fraught to tackle than Pia-verse uuuuuuuuuugh
* dig through touchline for fun madness?
* find some other kink memes/prompt collection type things? i know Welcome to Night Vale used to have a big one of these, and there might be a Jojo one as well? hm.
* dig through past years' Yuletide letters???

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

I haven't updated in close to two years.

2015-07-12T05:10:00Z

And holy shit, those two years were...transformative.

Florida did not treat me well, after all. I had two jobs I hated, and sacrificed living with my then-partner for them, and regretted that choice and burnt out terribly. Then I lived with my then-partner again, and realized we had both changed deeply, and had stopped knowing how to really communicate to each other how much we had changed.

If you couldn't guess, we then broke up. It's pretty much amicable now, but it took a lot out of me to do.

If you couldn't guess from those last two things, I moved back to New York City. I'm not looking forward to winter here, but I'm reconnecting with old support networks, and the city itself feels wonderful and supportive in a way that's hard to describe, so that's progress. No formal job yet, but a lot of promising leads. We shall see.

I think I'm polyamorous-ish. Open-ish. Capable of loving more than one person, given that they love me back and accept the possibility. I'm still defining love, defining relationship instead of friendship, and having a lot of trouble with that, but that's a work in progress.

I have the possibility of a wonderful, wonderful partner in Boston if his primary will let me in - though that's very doubtful, and the fact that there's doubt there is its own story that I don't think I'll make public just yet. I will say I will hopefully be in Boston in two weeks, meeting said primary, seeing what happens. I am...cautious and scared, but also hopeful.

I have (had?) the possibility of a lovely partner in Pittsburgh, but I think his own mental health is in the way between us and our actually being able to support each other, and that's just tragic for so many reasons.

Beyond ending things in February I've had some other rejections too at varying levels of angst.

I'm slowly opening up to the possibility of directly looking for someone here locally, but it's a process, and the whole "specifically looking for people to date" thing feels so weird to me, after stumbling into all of my relationships so far based on my participation in shared interests. But it would be nice to get affection and intimacy to help me cope with the other things going on in my brain and my life.

Beyond those things, I'm exploring things I love. Livestreaming roguelikes three times a week, volunteering in civic tech activism once a week, talking to friends, drinking good beer, watching good soccer, wandering New York City. We'll see what the future holds.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

florida, she treats me well

2013-08-13T00:56:43Z

i uh may already have a job lined up less than six hours of being here

it pays shit and is far away but it's basically what i do. besides commute time is time to listen to podcasts and by podcasts I mean Welcome to Night Vale

Speaking of which HOLY SHIT GUYS WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE I'M SO OBSESSED. also because Adam is Spanish and a scientist and has perfect hair, I am now fervently looking for any and all East Asian-descent Cecil headcanons. /predictable

I am living with two members of the bropocalypse but they are old enough now to be cool. They have treated me to beer and grouper.

Florida, she treats me well.

change worth believing in

2013-08-09T04:59:46Z

Earlier this year, I had given up on blogging because I had felt nothing had changed in my life ever since my father's accident put it on hold. That is not true, though.

My father has mostly physically healed, though there is still pain and the healing goes slowly. The slowness and the lack of work and the inability to find support and the loss of freedom has wormed its dark, miserable way into his head and it makes me sad. I often have nothing to say to him and I don't know how to start the conversation.

I had picked up fandoms - a new one (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure) that was budding right before the accident and exploded after it, an older-to-me one (Mindcrack) that was finally coming back to the direction I wanted after a period where I just wasn't interested. I was (am?) part of a Jojo roleplay group that was a great comfort to me after the accident. I tried to run a reverse bang kind of thing but it didn't exactly go according to plan, probably because I don't know how to Tumblr. The Mindcrack community I run became the giant fanfiction hub and spawned Skype chats and roleplays and a Minecraft server and it's overwhelming but also beautiful.

I liked things but haven't seriously entered their fandoms yet. Maybe I just need an "in", and maybe you are that "in". Pacific Rim (the only movie I saw in theaters this year), Attack on Titan, Free!, Welcome to Night Vale. Probably more things that I am forgetting. I also really like PBS Idea Channel. Really really.

I lost weight. Over thirty pounds. I'm still considered 'overweight' but it's very close, and honestly at this point I don't care anymore. I still don't really, honestly care for exercise, whether it be weight training, bodyweight strength training, or cardio. I want to find more exercise that has a serious, honest-to-god gamification component, yet is solo instead of team-based and I can train for myself. I don't know. I like my body, I don't care where my body goes from here as long as I maintain it and stay healthy somehow.

I had also continued growing my roguelike fervor and finally got the discipline to Let's Play regularly. I made a series about UI and ASCII despite knowing nothing about graphic design. I somehow became a regular of my favorite podcast in the fucking world and interact with my idols as if they are just my friends, and I guess they are. I was one of the most enthusiastic supporters of a project that just wrapped up its Kickstarter and I believe in it and its maker so much.

Adam continues to be the best. Adam is almost done with his Master's and will drive back to Tampa at the end of September. Adam's nails are painted but he refuses to see my parents while they're painted. It makes me angry at the world.

I was probably depressed for most of July. Never got formally tested. Sometimes I still feel that overwhelming desire to do nothing and be nothing, but it's quieter now.

All of this is burying the lede, really. I'm moving back to Palm Bay on Monday. I have a job interview here in NY in nine hours, another in Florida next Wednesday, and no clue where my life is going to go. If I get the New York job I may be back very soon. If I get the Florida one I may not be back for a very long time, if ever.

I own so much stuff and I have to decide what to get rid of and what to leave behind and what to beg Adam and/or my family to take with them in the future. HOW THE FUCK DO I OWN SO MUCH STUFF.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel elated. I feel like I am finally clawing out of the fog. But the fog is familiar, and sometimes even kind. It feels strange to leave it.

Kawa's Guide to Nail Care

2013-03-20T03:35:46Z

HEY INTERNET, LET'S TALK A WHOLE LOT ABOUT THAT KERATIN AT THE EDGES OF YOUR FINGERS, SHALL WE????

This is what works for me, and has worked for the past two years or so. I don't have the best nails in the world but they're definitely strong and grow fairly long without too many breaks or other problems. Obviously your mileage will vary as your body is different from mine, but I hope this will be a good starting point!

Also, it's stupidly long and there's no pictures, just links. (I don't guarantee the links are to the cheapest prices of these products on the Internet, either.) Sorry about that, it's just what was easiest for me to whip up. I hope you like it anyway.

Thing 0: about me

I have eczema, and dry skin more generally. Some of this will be overkill if your skin isn't dry, but as I said, this works for me. One of my nails has pretty severe pits because one of my eczema sites edges on the cuticle of that nail. It makes that nail weaker and that nail grows slightly lopsided compared to the rest, but with my routine it's hardly noticeable and the nail is surprisingly strong.

Oh yeah, and if you didn't know: I'm American. I'm going to refer to and link to stores and brands in the United States, available in New York City or central Florida or both (because that's where I've lived). Non-Americans may have different products available; go with what works for you, or if you're really interested check international sites like Amazon, but I really doubt that'll be necessary.

Thing 1: take care of yourself

Just like your hair and your skin and all that, your body creates your nails, so taking care of your body is a lot of what taking care of your nails is actually about. Because I am incapable of retaining any of my own moisture, I've got to get that moisture into my body as much as possible and keep it in there. So two things I really try hard to do are stay hydrated and use lotions whenever possible.

The hydration thing is pretty obvious: you should be drinking water. And yes, preferably water over soda/juice/whatever. Yeah, you'll urinate a lot, but whatever, it can't hurt you.

Lotions hydrate, and most also act as occlusives: that is, they create a physical barrier, locking whatever moisture is there from the outside and keeping it there near your skin. What lotion you use on your hands doesn't matter too much, as long as you're comfortable with it. I carry around one of these fancy evolution of smooth things because well, why not? (Besides, it smells REALLY GOOD.) But seriously, whatever works for you is fine. If you're worried about your palms being greasy, just apply small amounts to the area around your nails and work it in as if it were a cuticle cream; if you're desperate, you can use unflavored, uncolored lip balm/Chapstick (I have been known to do this) or straight up petroleum jelly.

Thing 2: picking out polish

I buy cheap polish unless I'm really, really given reasons not to. I am completely unapologetic about this. I trawl through the discount bins at drugstores, Sally Beauty Supply, and Ulta, deep discount stores like TJ Maxx and Marshall's, and independent beauty supply shops (the types where others would buy weaves) and find all SORTS of amazing things, including a LOT of dupes or near-dupes of more expensive colors. I don't own a single OPI or Zoya. I own exactly two Essies from when CVS was having a sale and two Butter Londons from when Ulta was having a sale, and those include shades that are just impossible to find cheaper equivalents for.

A shortlist of cheap brands I really love: Soo, Ruby Kisses, Brucci, Kleancolor, CQ (all found at independent beauty supply shops and some Rite Aids); Wet N Wild, New York Color (most mainstream chain drugstores). And yes, that behemoth that is Sally Hansen, though it depends on the line - I love love love the Xtreme Wear line the most, but I do have some from Diamond Strength and Insta-Dri. Once upon a time you could find their ancient Nail Prisms line at places like Marshall's, which is amazing - those prized holographic polishes for less than half the price of the modern ones? SIGN ME UP.

I recommend picking up nail thinner (I have a giant bottle from Sally Beauty Supply that I haven't made a dent in) and using it whenever you need it. DON'T USE POLISH REMOVER TO THIN NAIL POLISH, GUYS. Nail polish remover is designed to break down the pigments of your polish and it'll ruin things. Seriously, don't do it!

Thing 3: removing old polish and nail prep

I use acetone - straight up. It's so much faster and more efficient than any other method that none other is worth it. Sometimes I will pick up acetone-based removers if I can't find pure acetone for some reason; these have glycerin to tone down the drying effect and sometimes also fragrances. I don't care about the fragrance, but I admit the glycerin helps.
No matter what you end up using, let the chemicals work their magic. I wet my cotton ball with remover, press it against the nail, and leave it pressed there for at least 30 seconds - maybe up to two minutes if I've got on stubborn glitters - before swiping down, and then I'll repeat (wet, press, hold, swipe) if necessary. Yes, this takes time, but it's better than frantically scrubbing your nail beds.

I let my nails dry a bit before doing anything else. If I want to trim and/or file, now's the time. I trim very very rarely (only when I really want to start over) and I always file after I trim. I was madly in love with my Swissco glass file, and then I sat on it and I haven't been back to Sally's to get a replacement. Honestly, if you prefer emery boards, I think that's okay - as long as the grit is high enough - remember, you are basically using sandpaper on your nails! (Hint: if you don't know the grit and/or if your nails edges look and feel ragged after filing, your grit probably isn't high enough. I try to stay over 300.)

I keep my nails oval to squoval. What works for you is up to you and how curved your nail is. (The links can teach you about this better than I can.)

I will occasionally buff my nails at this point, very gently, with one of those white blocks. I'll run the edges of my nails on this too, very briefly, if I decided to trim/file. I personally have never pushed or cut my cuticles - they are where your nail grows from and I think intentionally moving them around or damaging them doesn't make sense.

If I'm not going to put polish on, I stop here, moisturize, and go on my merry way. I DO NOT moisturize if I'm about to put on polish; that can wait until after the new polish is on.

Thing 4: putting polish on

Putting on any coat of anything goes in three strokes, like shown here.

I always put on a coat of base coat. I'm still searching for my perfect one, but considering my pits there may not be such a thing. I've tried OPI's ridge filler (it's the only OPI product I've ever purchased) and it was alright, but not really any more magical than the $2.50 one from Brucci. But again, my nail is pitted, so I may just be a lost cause here. (I really do want to try Orly's Bonder one day, but I haven't gotten around to getting a bottle for myself...)

Coats of polish go on one at a time, slowly and thin if at all possible, in three strokes like that link. I keep my hand on a table. I tend to do all the coats (with top coat) on one hand, let it dry, then do the other. Your non-dominant hand is going to suck at doing this - that's why you keep the other hand steady on a table and be patient with yourself. You'll get better at this with time, I promise.

Most polishes only need two coats to be opaque. The truly lucky ones only need one, and some stubborn ones need three. I also love layering - try a layer or two of black then a layer of something shimmery and multichrome! Play with every glitter combination under the sun! This is where it gets to be fun and exciting, after all. :D I admit I have no experience with nail art, stamping, or those nail polish stickers, though of course if those appeal to you I can't stop you.

If I'm using really "gritty" glitters, want a matte effect (more on that in just a second), or just want to be really sure my polish will last a while, I'll apply a coat of a non-quick dry top coat before my quick dry top coat final layer. I like Gelous, but Sally Hansen's classic Hard As Nails works here too.

After my last layer, I give my nails two minutes, then add a thick layer of quick dry top coat. Seche Vite is fine, so is Essie's Good To Go and Sally Hansen's Insta-Dri top coat (the red bottle one). All of these will probably need regular thinning, so keep that nail thinner around. After three more minutes, I can generally use a keyboard and mouse again without problems. Really, I don't mind a little smudging, as long as it's not excessive.

Those give a glossy effect at the end. If you want to have a more matte look, I've had no issues with Hard Candy's matte top coat. Note that matte coats are easier to damage than non-matte coats, so I have the non-quick dry top coat layer under these whenever I can.
My nail polish tends to last about four days before I need to start over, though sometimes I'll get lucky and it'll last a bit longer (especially if I've used Gelous).

And now I'll definitely moisturize my hands, now that my nails are dry and ready.

Thing 5: Other Resources

I used to hang out at Makeup Alley's nail care board back in 2011. They're pretty knowledgeable folks as a whole, and the Nail Board Wisdom notepad is a sight to behold (and the source of that three strokes to polish image). Be warned, though: I find they often care way more about small differences in color shades than most sane people, and trying to follow trends as they see them will result in a huge polish collection that you'll use once and then forget about. (Though honestly, this is true for most polish-obsessed folks in general.)

Loodie Loodie Loodie, despite the silly name, is a totally serious blog about nail health. I think she's occasionally a bit overboard, but her info on nail shape and moisturizing are utterly spot on.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

everything is changing

2013-02-25T20:18:44Z

Starting with me.

As I posted on Tumblr:

So yeah, this is a thing and it’s happening.

I’m overweight, weak, and essentially jobless. This is not me hating/shaming myself, it’s pure medical and financial fact. To reach the things I really want in life, I need to change all of that. I’ll be posting over in this thing every day and working on these goals until I get there.

Not all of you are going to support me on my way there, and that’s okay. Not all of you are going to agree that my goals are worthy. But if you’re willing to root for me and support me as I try to change my life for the better, I’d really appreciate it.

Being in better shape and having a job that fits the work I’ve put into my life so far: these don’t invalidate me as a woman, as a geek/nerd/otaku, or as a person. I still love all the things I love, I still am the person I am. I’m just evolving. This is going to take a lot of work: but instinctively, I feel it’s going to be worth it.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

I'm alive!

2013-02-20T04:09:57Z

(oh my god I'm doing these again omgwtfbbq)

Fic stuff: Gigantic apologies to MsCongeniality and windfallswest, who both wrote me shiny and beautiful Ghost in the Shell fanfics: the first a happy Yuletide fic about Tachikoma sentience and the second a lovely fill-in-the-canon piece with all the things I have ever wanted. GitS is a difficult and insane fandom to write for, I know that, and I haven't shown either of you nearly enough love. So, love! <3

I wrote some Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind post-movie fic for lastwingedthing for said Yuletide. It's short, but I'm mighty proud of it.

Footie: oh my god I actually watched (half of a) game today, the first leg of Bayern vs. Arsenal. It feels strange and good to be watching again, but I just don't know if I have the energy to throw my heart into it the way I used to. Such a strange and fickle thing, my emotions are when it comes to footie. I wish some of the old communities I used to be part of were still active and glorious the way they were when I was in grad school; that would definitely help me feel rooted in it. Oh well.

Real life: My old project got dropped so I'm no longer working that desk job and now am tutoring again. I'm still looking for a Real Job (tm) and still making LPs and occasionally watching them, though now that I no longer work a desk job it's harder to find the time to just watch them when I could be doing other things. Valentine's Day was belated and involved authentic Sichuan cuisine, nom nom nom. We're in the middle of a lot of changes in our lives, and sometimes it's hard but mostly it's okay because we have each other.

Things to post later: 100 things when the current season of anime ends (Psycho Pass, Robotics;Notes, Magi, and [of all the things in the world] so many feelings about Jojo's Bizarre Adventure) plus Minecraft, Tales of Maj'Eyal, and a few baby roguelikes too.

EDIT: oh god I got a Tumblr. Add me, I guess? Not sure why I did, but it might be an interesting ride.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

pieces worth picking up

2012-12-30T23:29:41Z

Currently in Tampa, with Adam and brothers and figuring out what the hell happens next in my life.

The not for profit I work for has run out of money so I will be leaving that project in January. Might be tutoring again. Who even knows?

Shit that needs to happen:

* fixing my social skill deficiencies. I don't "do" such basic things as small talk and eye contact and really simple things to take care of myself and it HAS TO CHANGE. My "fight or flight" reaction to uncomfortable social situations is "flight" 99% of the time and that's really really goddamn sad and it's why I feel uncomfortable talking outside the Internet. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE AND I CAN CHANGE IT.
* figuring out what I want to do with myself instead of the million things I don't want to do (and that list has grown to include "be an actuary", which is kind of shitty right now! But every actuary community I've been part of has felt like witnessing a pack of wolves ready to eat each other alive. Maybe this is only true on the Internet, where everyone is trying to sell me something? But my gut instinct says it's more than that. AUGH.) ... oh and then making it happen so that I can finally FINALLY get out of my parents' hair and live my own goddamn life
* fixing my appearance to the outside world. START CARING ABOUT THIS SHIT. Get rid of the facial acne scars (alpha hydroxy acids, sunscreen, and time - or maaaybe chemical peels if I can afford them and they won't interfere with my eczema?), lose the excess weight (cardio, balanced and regular free weights, "eat food; not too much; mostly plants", more proper sleep cycles, and time), figure out a nice haircut, invest in good makeup for appropriate occasions, perhaps invest in a sassier and more awesome wardrobe.
* balance the fandom things. Still want to LP regularly and write fanfiction now and then but it cannot consume me (and I can LP in advance which is nice).
* invest in my other hobbies again; start folding origami seriously again; cook for myself more, maybe even bake for work before it's too late for that. stop being afraid of messing up the kitchen; it's yours as much as it's your parents', and frankly they'll appreciate not always doing the work.
* do more than spin my wheels in my relationship; give talent alongside time and treasure

Some good news:

Yuletide! And my very belated fandom_helps thing. Which means: GHOST IN THE SHELL FANFICTION EXISTS NOW. This is the sight of one Kawa crying happy tears!! Maybe next year I'll get my Math Girls fanfic, but THIS IS GOOD TOO.
Things I got for Christmas: nice clothes for work, beautiful jewelry, random kitchen stuff, and money to pay for my trip here. Also the confidence to deal with my in-laws and my introversion/anxiety. These are all good things.

<3
Kawa

we interrupt this hiatus for a few public announcements

2012-09-28T04:23:43Z

I am putting these out there mostly so I'll be held to them.

I am going to write fanfiction about fatherhood, which is something I can't experience yet but want to empathize with. I also will participate in Yuletide 2012.

I am going to put out a Let's Play of Faster than Light at least once a week. Here's the first episode, in fact.

Also, and here's the doozy: I am going to take the P/1 Society of Actuaries/Casualty Actuarial Society exam on Friday, January 11, 2013.

oh god.

Blue is the color!

2012-07-23T12:57:12Z

So, some things about yesterday in vaguely chronological order:

Somehow i missed both poptastiche and blueforever10 because I was a derp and didn't check my LJ before going to Manhattan for brunch with staticxfever and then Legends was filled with people. Sorry guys! I'd still love to meet you outside of watching a match - let me know!
Still, brunch on the Lower East Side, Jim Hanley's Universe, talking Nerdist, and the nature of the spread of modern culture (and the possibility for creative people to make a living without being enormously famous) with Jess is a delight, as it always is. <3
Legends was in-freaking-sane. LOVED IT! So much singing and partying and general Good Times. Much love to the New York Blues/Chelsea in America for making it fantastic and for the Legends crew for putting up with our good natured madness.
Yankee Stadium really is beautiful, and the staff was for the most part pretty excellent. (Loved the poor guy at the merchandise table wondering why all these people want scarves in 80 degree Farenheit weather!) They probably could have used more and more efficient people working the food booths, but that's my only complaint.
No wait, I have another complaint: that no one told me you can't bring laptops into Yankee Stadium. There are folks running locker rentals outside, thankfully, but I wish I had known in advance.
I have a scarf now! It's way thicker than I thought it'd be (at least four layers thick!) and so soft and lovely.
Hilarious moment: while on line to see and have a picture with the trophies (OH MY GOD), the staff reminds us: no touching the trophies, no kissing the trophies! "Can we drink from them?" "No." "Can we make love to them?" "Only in your dreams." Bahahhahahaha yessssssssss.
Taking pictures of sports with a point and shoot is nearly impossible, so few to no pictures from me. :( I do have a shot of the trophies, me looking like a derp holding up my scarf, and a blurry shot of the banners people put up, if people are interested in those for some reason.
I was on the second level - it seems like the more hardcore/passionate/singing-their-lungs-out fans were on the first level closer to the pitch, but some song did indeed travel upwards, which was fun.
UGH ALL MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE PLAYERS I SAW. The crowd roaring when Cech was the first player to come on for warmups, and again when he was subbed off! Super Frank! JT! (And the crowd going ballistic with joy when JT got the armband, oh my heart.) Sam Hutchinson - what a joy to know he's playing! Romelu Lukaku, who really is that massive and that hard working (with some bad luck)! Lucas Piazon, who not only scored Chelsea's goal absolutely beautifully, but really is that adorable in real life!
A special OH MY GOD about Marko Marin - who really is that cute and that quick and that tenacious. I really think that the first Chelsea named kit I buy will be his. :D (Also for the delicious coincidence that he's wearing #21 for Chelsea, ahaha.)
A second special OH MY GOD about Branislav Ivanovic - OH MY GOD I GOT TO SEE HIM WEAR THE ARMBAND IN REAL LIFE ALL OF MY FEEEEEEEEEEEEELIIIIIIIIIIIINGS. And his ass really is that awesome in real life, even as far up as I was. O.O
The game itself was, well, not terribly exciting, a classic preseason exhibition draw. But it was worth it - all worth it - for the experience, to be honest.
NY Police is great at crowd control out on the street, but the subway after was madness. Protip for tourists: fill your Metrocards to include the trip home BEFORE the match! Still was pretty fun to spontaneously start singing "Blue is the Colo(u)r" while waiting to get through the turnstiles, though.

Man, even the morning after I am still hoarse and exhausted. WORTH IT.

Have a picture taken by an offiical Chelsea photographer with the trophies OH MY GOD THE TROPHIES SO SHINY AND THEY'RE OURS AND I SAW THEM IN REAL LIFE UGH MY FEELINGS.

009: Studio Ghibli 1: My Neighbor Totoro

2012-07-16T22:59:59Z

I don't know if there's much to say about My Neighbor Totoro. It was my first Ghibli but it's not my favorite - that probably goes to Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Porco Rosso, or The Cat Returns. But it is lovely in its own way, certainly visually a delight, and filled with a sort of nostalgic sweetness only a Ghibli movie can provide. Besides, who hasn't always wanted a Catbus?

But Kotaku had me thinking about a concept I really want to explore in things beyond Totoro: the role of fans in understanding a work, and how fiction can go far beyond what the authors intend in people's minds and hearts.

Because it's fairly clear to me that Totoro was never intended to be ominous, to be about death and loss - Ghibli has tackled those topics elsewhere, and those works have a totally different feel from Totoro. It's not that Ghibli isn't capable of taking on serious topics - it's honestly that they didn't want that for Totoro. But people have insisted that that is what they see when Mei gets lost and when Mei and Satsuki visit their mother, and this concept has taken a life of its own.

If interpreting works is purely about author intent, then we would ignore this entirely. But viewer reaction - fan reaction, the interpretations of those who love the work and analyze it deeply purely for pleasure - is so important. This is especially true now that the boundary between fan and creator is so thin, but even in Totoro's day it was important. Without this "misinterpretation", Totoro may merely be seen as a particularly beautiful and innocent children's film; with it, it has importance and urgency to everyone, even those who don't believe.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

carefree here in New York City~

2012-07-15T19:23:53Z

omg omg omg omggggggggggggggg

008: minipost: MathRL 1 and the 7 Day Roguelike Challenge

2012-07-10T19:07:18Z

I know I'm breaking my "even numbers for anime/manga and odd numbers for video games" concept (I'll fix it soon, I promise), but this is too good not to share.

There is a well known annual challenge/competition known as 7 Day Roguelike Challenge, where developers attempt to create a completed roguelike from scratch in a week. Much like NaNoWriMo novels, while many are terrible, sometimes these roguelikes expand to bigger and better things.

I usually don't check out 7DRL entries (again, much like NaNo novels, they are far from perfect), but one was brought to my attention recently that, um, fits me perfectly.

It's called Math: the Roguelike, or just MathRL. It's so literal and abstract and beautiful, I can't even stand it. Here's an official screenshot:

I haven't even played it yet and I'm already in love. It's such a great conceit, stripping away everything beyond the beauty of the numbers themselves. Apparently the plot is even about finding Fermat's Last Theorem! I can't even handle this, guys. Cannot wait to get it downloaded and start playing. :D Expect another post eventually when I do get around to playing it and can have a reaction or two worth saying.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

007: Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup 1 - Akrasiac and the Terrible Lightness of Crawling

2012-07-09T15:18:32Z

We were the Terrible Lightness of Crawling, and we had never won this game before depsite many, many attempts. But each of us had a plan, had a build in mind, strategy gleaned from a terse bot/wiki named Henzell or random posts at a place called the Tavern.

The goal was not to directly beat other teams, though occasionally we'd run into a ghost of a player in the past. We didn't even really get to work together, but we did all have one common goal - to defeat the dungeon itself, the random traps and pitfalls it set along the way, find the runes and snag the Orb of Zot.

Like a number of games I'll be discussing, Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup is a roguelike - a procedurally generated dungeon crawler with a high degree of randomness and permanent character death. It's not as plot-focused as Ancient Domains, not as item-focused as Nethack, but it's very slickly made, with automated exploration and extremely well balanced skills. And unlike both of these, it's still in active development, with new species and classes constantly made.

One of the ways the community keeps abreast of these changes - and legitimizes their victories - is having a centralized server (actually two: I play at Akrasiac, the North American server; there's also a European one known as Develz with more features but also more lag for me as an American.) with a copy of the most up-to-date version of the game. People can telnet into this server and play online onto a shared leaderboard, with deceased players taking the form of powerful "player ghosts" found at random. Nethack does this too but I feel more connected to Crawl's. It has its own community and its own feel.

Crawl as a whole is a great game - as I said, balanced very elegantly and autoexplore is one of the best innovations in modern roguelike theory. I love it so much I'm awkwardly making a Let's Play. I suck at roguelikes, to be honest - because I move quickly and carelessly - and so I hope that by recording and explaining my movements I can slow down and be a better player. I'm glad Crawl is my first LP and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

006: Bakemonogatari - examining who Senjougahara Hitagi chooses to be

2012-06-03T11:37:49Z

I've decided to not hold myself quite as steadfastly to the "one post per series" concept because there are some things that just deserve more in depth discussion. I'll still try to limit myself somewhat - this is 50 thoughts on anime and 50 thoughts on games, not 50 thoughts on SHAFT and GitS and 50 thoughts on Minecraft, FF6, and roguelikes, haha - but I think I'm more likely to, you know, FINISH this way.

SPOILERS AHEAD for most of Bakemonogatari, especially episode 12.

I'm sure there are people out there a bit annoyed with the character of Senjougahara Hitagi, people who interpret her character arc as one where a woman's psychological traumas are all magically fixed by men. But to tell you the truth, I never interpreted it that way.

Yes, she is a broken woman when we first meet her. She is distant and angry and lonely, a product of repeated trauma. She has trouble making sense of the world around her, understanding how to interact with people. Yes, Araragi Koyomi is central to her healing process - and yes, it's partially through the power of love, as stereotypical as it is.

But the difference for me is that of asking permission.

She is the one who declares Koyomi her boyfriend; she is the one who takes the lead. She chooses him, she chooses to let him into her life and into her heart, slowly, bit by bit. She does not act sexy purely to please him - if anything, it is to please herself, her own desire to be feminine and beautiful and sexy, and she even teases him about his own prudishness just because she can. It's the difference between putting on makeup because you feel pressure to look a certain way and putting on makeup because you yourself feel like playing with color and texture on the contours of your face.

She feels no pressure to give anything to him - he never asks anything of her, only acting to support her every step of the way. When she does give him something of herself - finally, under starlight - she gives because she wishes to, because she is finally ready to open her heart and her mind. And even then, her barriers are in place - she refuses to give him her body, not just yet, and her social akwardness is still on display - but she chooses to give, to give her love and her memories and the depths of her emotion. Koyomi is grateful - and we should be too.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

all valiant men

2012-05-22T04:33:40Z

It took me a while to figure out what to say about Saturday, about the Champion's League final.

I knew it'd be a disservice to myself and to all of you to say nothing, to ignore that it happened, to focus on the other things in my life. Some of those are important (and I will get back to them later), but football is pretty much why I started this blog, so to not address one of the most important matches in my life as a fan would be dishonest.

But what is there to say?

I'm a sports fan because I like the wonderful randomness of the stories involved. I like that everything can change in a moment; I like that there are detailed histories, rivalries, emotional rollercoasters. I absorb all this information - tactical decisions, game stories, player histories - and relish in it, relish in that general fact, "you can't make this up if you tried".

I like the clubs I like. If you asked why, I could give some basic facts about my own fan history, a few tidbits about players I like, styles of play that intrigue me - but let's be honest with ourselves for a moment here: I don't know why. I don't know why my devotions lay where they do, any more than I know why my heart pulled for mathematics instead of liberal arts, why I found God the way I did, why I fell in love the way I did. At this point they're pretty much just part of my psyche - applied mathematician, happily in love, Catholic, and a fan of one German and one English football club each.

And it all came to a head this Saturday.

I didn't know who I'd root for. I didn't know how I'd feel if one team handily beat another, or how I'd feel if it was an even, drawn out match. I didn't know how I'd feel if any given player scored, or missed, or messed up. I just wanted a fair, good game, something entertaining and beautiful - something to show my fiance (who was with me the entire time, and who is many things but not a football fan) why I love this game and why I'm compelled to watch it week after week, year after year.

In that sense, I got exactly what I wanted. The game was a demonstration of both sides' strengths - Chelsea's pure resiliance, defensive discipline, and speed matched with Bayern's creativity, possessive dominance, and spark. It was a show of why even goalless matches can be utterly compelling. It was a show of great skills and small but significant mistakes on both sides. It showed the total fearlessness of Thomas Müller, a shining example of his intense youthful talent; it showed the amazing strength of Didier Drogba, an elder statesman of the sport by now, an utter legend showcasing his craft. (And this is not even noting how utterly wonderful the defense was on both ends of the pitch. UGH MY FEELINGS and that is all with that.)

I don't like penalties, as a rule; I know they don't show which team is truly stronger. I know that in this game both sides had their chances to avoid penalties - and that just didn't happen. But they are their own game, one of nerve and goalkeeper skill, one of control under pressure, and that day, one team happened to win by the narrowest of margins.

If I really had a preference between my two European clubs - if I really knew deep in my heart which one I'd take over the other - I think I would have reacted accordingly at the end of penalties. Pure jubiliation if my heart was truly blue, pure grief if it was red. But neither happened - I just stood there, expertly poured Guinness in hand, in shock and awe. There were people screaming in joy and in pain around me - the trio of Spurs fans behind me with their heads in their hands, the family in Chelsea blue a table away hugging each other, the Bavarian down the bar groaning into his Six Points Sweet Action. Me? I was just in shock, unable to speak, my only thought being So this is how it goes.

So this is how it goes. Didier buries the ghosts of Moscow, drowns in a jubilant sea of blue. Bastian sobs into the grass of the Allianz he calls home, held together by the fellow reds he holds dear. It could have been any other way, but it wasn't. The sport - any sport - is nothing if not a weighted random number generator creating narratives, after all.

So I am in the middle, in purple, on a bright day in New York City, shellshocked. A part of me is overjoyed and a part is crushed. But I'm glad for this moment, for this opportunity to show the whole world why my clubs - both of them - are worthy of respect and adoration, why they hold their heads high, why I'm proud of them for all they do.

things i want for my birthday/Reddit Arbitrary Day: an ongoing list

2012-05-15T01:41:57Z

This list is horribly narcissistic but I CARE NOT

really it's just to let you know what I'm excited about lately. this list will be updated sporadically between now and July 9, if you care.

Redditors, my username over there is kawatan, though all you'll probably get from that is that I'm a Mindcrack fangirl, lol. That same name is used at MakeupAlley (where I used to be much more active on nail board) as well as both Steam and Desura. (I admit I hardly ever use my Desura, but feel free to give me reasons to start!)

Speaking of Mindcrack, if for some reason it matters, my username is kawaii_dragoness and my skin is mostly self-made: it's supposed to be Makise Kurisu from Steins;Gate. Whether or not I succeeded at that is up to you. I would actually not terribly mind someone making me an improved version of that skin!

* The Math Girls manga on Kickstarter. I'd love a hard copy but PDF is fine too.
* The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook preordered *swoon*
* Other books and/or manga - ask for what I own, but I'd love whatever you've got!
* Analogue: A Hate Story (I'd prefer just getting the code from the site itself as that way I get a Linux version, but Steam is okay too)
* Other indie games you think I would fancy! I like RPGs and rhythm games, but feel free to surprise me.
* Tickets to the Chelsea vs PSG game at Yankee Stadium (as previously stated) (EDIT: THIS IS ALREADY HAPPENING OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG)
* related: New York Blues membership (getting True Blue for on-demand ChelseaTV would also be excellent, of course)
* Lego Minecraft, because why the hell not
* footie fic: I've listed some prompts in the comments. Also this one and this one are also fair game. Let's be real though, you write one of my clubs and/or NTs (and particularly any of my ~favorite players~) and I'll happily swoon.
* any RBNY home ticket (though I will admit I would not mind seeing the Chicago game on July 18 or the Toronto game on September 29 for Mannschaft-y reasons)
* Nail Polish: I only own one Essie (Wrapped in Rubies), one Orly (Rock Solid), and no OPI or other "well known" brands. GO WILD. I love flakies and multichromes! I am very warm toned though, please keep that in mind. Have a spreadsheet!

005: A transgender employee of EA Sports

2012-05-10T22:02:04Z

I know I said my next game post would probably be about Minecraft (and that's coming, I promise). I also know that this is not my usual format for my 100 Things posts, but hey, it's related to my topic and interesting to me so you all are just going to deal with it!

Anyway.

I have never been a sports gamer. (No, not even for footie games. Weird, I know.) I've found the format for many of them - yearly titles with at most incremental improvements to a time-worn format - kind of annoying, to be honest with you. (I feel the same way about first person shooters on the same cycle.)

And EA itself has gone in weird directions - I felt their absorption of Maxis was done improperly at best, and they've fully embraced a community of gamers that I feel doesn't include me.

But I have to say, their support of Kelly Worrall is good news. It's more than just good PR for them - it's a legitimately good thing they're doing, supporting a woman who hasn't always had the fortune of being able to be herself.

The gamer community (much like, say, the footie fan community) has never been known for being open and tolerant. We've had issues with how we treat others who don't look or think like ourselves, and it's something we're often struggling with. We're loud and obnoxious and loyal to our views and sometimes a little brash and hurtful. We're still establishing our identity as a group of fans of a particular medium, and the growing pains often show.

But I think and hope this - showing that even the big, often-considered-evil companies can do good things to people who really need them - will be a turning point for us. I hope that this little community of nerds will wake up and notice that there are all kinds of people out there, people who are passionate about the art and science and entertainment involved in great games, and that all people who love games should be welcome to play, to compete, and to enjoy.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

one kawa fangirling

2012-05-08T17:14:18Z

* This happened and I missed it but fuck yes this happened!

* This is going to happen! fuck yes!

Now, if I do end up a New York City Teaching Fellow I will miss it which will be so very very tragic. :( But if not (like, say, if Sacred Heart ever get back to me, or something) I will definitely be going with bells on and it will be GREAT. I might even land discount tickets with New York Blues. We'll see!

though uh, I know nothing about PSG other than their existence. anyone on my f-list want to enlighten me?

* guys. GUYS. GUESS WHAT.

My favorite footballer just announced he's going to be a daddy by the end of the summer, guys.

I'M GOING TO EXPLODE IN FEEEEEEEEEELINGS. IT'S GOING TO BE THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD OMG OMG OMG.

* cornerflag signups are up! while i love the theme i'm not sure if i'll be participating this time - and if so, what it'll be yet. my ideas have been very club-focused lately and/or AUs, neither of which are appropriate for this round. i am tempted to do something with one of the American teams, but what? ideas are welcome!

* Avengers was pretty awesome, I must say! It was definitely nice to watch a comic book movie that struck the balance between silliness and seriousness. It was also so very, very Joss Whedon-y in nature and that was pleasant to see. I've never been an American comic book person so I probably don't get all the subtleties - though I must admit, this was the first comic book movie that kind of made me wish I was one, made me wish I understood these stories better, knew the lore and the mythology.

If you have recommendations for comics to start with, let me know. I can't guarantee I'll get to them, but I'd love to hear what you think.

* I won that Math Girls contest thingy though they haven't publicly announced it yet. Still, it is pretty sweet! I want to start doing a whole bunch of weird and random simulations - the CL draw thing I did back in 2010 needs a rehash, and I've had this crazy question about Minecraft ore generation mechanics for a while now that'll need the processing power of Mathematica. Also I've been teaching polar coordinates and graphs to one of my students so I suddenly want to make a whole bunch of .gifs of the tracing out of polar roses and limaçons for various things.

* anime thoughts go into the 100 things but real quick - Tsuritama is going to be great I can just feel it; Mysterious Girlfriend X is very fascinating and straddles that inappropriateness border like a boss; and I have lots of feelings about the evolution of anime as an art style.

* game thoughts also go into 100 things but - I've installed The Sims 2 and all expansions and man is this dangerous or what? oh man. I'm still obsessed with Minecraft Let's Plays (which will probably be the topic of my next post). I am tempted to start over in Avadon but that's kind of ridiculous after all the work I put into it. ugh ugh.

more later
kawa