Pondering the Unponderables

ho hum

2026-04-17T05:24:42Z

Haven't posted in awhile for a host of reasons, not the least of which most of the mobile options don't allow me to select a mood or userpic, and I set all that up for a reason.

Will try to be more regular in the future. Computer here is nice but the keyboard is weird, I'm making excessive typos like every other word instead of every other sentence.

Lil' update

2025-10-14T22:06:39Z

After a brief chastisement, need to clarify something.

The undies I saved from the garbage were not on the ground so long they'd become petrified. They were there maybe a day or two at most.

Although even if they has been I'd still have washed them. Things cannot be judged when they're at their worst.

moving drama

2025-10-14T03:27:43Z

This will be the first time I've written on LJ from my phone, still with no computer but I must vent.

Kindle's browser doesn't let me select userpics or moods, curious to see how this differs.

Brother in law, Russell, came over to help with the packing and we got a lot done, but there was a slightly annoying issue that kept coming up and I'm correcting now.

My RV is a mess, mountains of old clothes on the floor with rain damage from leaks (landlord fixes them when I update him) and other factors make a lot of them hardened near to the point of plastic or hard cardboard.

I asked Russell to leave the clothes be, that I needed to wash them and sort them from what I'd be keeping, what goes to Goodwill and what is garbage... because his initial idea was to throw it all away.

As we cleaned I noticed he kept shoving clothes into garbage bags, so I again implored him not to do that.

To no avail. Soon as he felt I wasn't looking, he started doing it again.

Spent some of today going thru the garbage bags he packed, taking clothes out to be washed.

Results?

Underwear I got new like a month ago, he threw it out. Guess he wasn't looking at what he was shoveling into the bags... and when I goto bed I tend to leave what I'd been wearing on the floor.

3 sweatshirts, no damage, a thermal top still good to go, 3 dress shirts with no damage, few pairs of jeans, etc.

Still got more bags to unpack and assess, but I suspect a lot if it is salvagable.

There was some absolute unrecoverable garbage as well and some stuff to goto Goodwill.

Yeah, can't pic mood or userpic on phone either.

car needed a jump

2025-08-06T18:55:58Z

I've used services for this in the past but had never done it myself before. Technically still haven't, but know what to do now.

Yesterday I learned early on my car died, and from what I could tell it was the battery but I wasn't positive how and why. Consulted Sister, who had good advice, reached out to nivek as I thought he could help even though, at that point I was convinced it wouldn't do me any good on that day so I setup something for today.

Which is how I'm at my Mom's place now.

Late last night while doing recycling, I discussed this with my landlord's caregiver, who lent me her portable charger in case after nivek jumped me and I was far from home the car died again. We went over to my car and she showed me how to do it... whereupon I discovered a tiny pile of nuts on top of the battery.

Seems a squirrel, rat, or something has been going in there to eat. Not sure why the battery was an ideal dining location, but okay.

Kev showed up in the morning, battery charger all ready to go... except when he tried to use it, it was dead.

Annoying reoccurring theme here.

I grabbed the caregiver's charger, nivek used it but that also didn't work. He Googled a few things trying to figure out what was wrong with my car, had a number of theories... and then noticed the cable to the charger wasn't lined up correctly.

So, the car works again.

Gameplan was to drive to Mom's for stuff, hence why I'm here, but on the way I realized I forgot something at home. So I went back, got out and went to head in when I remembered I had a problem.

When you get a jump you need to, ideally, have your engine running for at least 10 minutes afterward to keep things healthy... and at that point I'd only been driving about 6 minutes.

But my house key is on the same ring as the car key... so to get what I forgot I had to turn the car back off.

Having a charger aside, that was a wee bit nerve wracking on the way back.

But I'm here, the car seems to be fine (as fine as a car that's 20+ years old can be) and I'm already fretting about whatever new problems may arise.

*faints*

been awhile

2025-07-31T18:23:20Z

Since the last time I've had an MRI but it showed nothing was wrong with me, and my situation has stabilized. Near as I can tell my memory is on point, though until I cross paths with something I don't remember that I know I should that's kind of a vague comfort.

Signed up for a psychiatrist today, waiting to hear back from them. Dad is ecstatic, he's been wanting me to see another shrink for a long time. Last time was back in my teens with Dr. William Ayers... which didn't go great but not as bad as it could've been.

If that's confusing at all, Google the name. Just lucky I wasn't his type.

On the advice of Sister, going to look into signing up for Food Stamps today... then I've got a birthday BBQ to go to.

happened again

2025-06-10T21:52:40Z

Yes, while I was driving... had to keep reminding myself where I was going. Mental mantra of "Going to see Mom" over and over. A little confusion when I got there too, couldn't remember her room number even though I remembered how to get there.

All times this happened, so far as I'm aware, were when I wasn't home. Near as I know haven't had any real issues at all at home. Minus one little thing when I got home yesterday and wondered why Mom was visiting me...

...because her car, which I've been driving, was parked out front of my place.

Home now, and centered. I'm me again (it's a blessing and a curse). But it was tricky. After visiting Mom I came straight back to Palo Alto to try and see my PCP (Primary Care Physician) but she wasn't in and no one else was available. Went to get lunch, but then swung by the clinic again... not because I forgot I'd already been there but to see if I could see a different doctor...

...and also, I couldn't remember where the car was.

Figured going back to the clinic might shake the memory loose. Wasn't that easy, took awhile, but I found it.

All that aside, the thing that haunts me still is when I was visiting Mom I got like a deer in the headlights with a picture of a girl on Mom's wall. Couldn't look away, couldn't identify her.

It was my niece.

Mom, for all her dementia, had to remind me who she was and then comforted me saying she often forgets who she is too.

Roundabout 30 years ago there was this afternoon where I found Mom in the TV room staring at some picture. When I asked her what was up... she freaked out. Had no idea who I was; it was scary.

I'm now roundabout the age she was then.

Life is a series of moments

2025-06-09T22:52:18Z

Was waiting for the bus today, heading to the bank... when my mind tossed an "L" in there and went blank. Couldn't remember how I got to the bus stop or where I'd come from.

Whereupon, I panicked.

Didn't last long, but it seemed longer.

Went to the bank, did my things, and then next I remembered I was about a mile away at this place I like to eat. Noticed I missed phone calls and had messages.

Checked those.

Long story short, Dad left me messages asking me to call him back ASAP. When I got ahold of him he informed me I'd called him in a panic around the time I was down by the bank (which I only know as he told me I'd said cross streets) and that I didn't know where I lived.

I think I'm understandably weirded out.

So far as I know this only happened twice today, but I don't recall the 2nd time... only know about it as Dad told me.

Reached out to make a doctor's appointment, but the soonest she can see me is in 2 weeks.

Not intended as humor, but I hope I don't forget about that.

Made a lil' boo boo

2025-06-05T17:49:18Z

I'm a creature of habit and it's often hard to break those habits, though fortunately most of mine aren't that bad. No substance abuse of any kind, for example.

Over the past couple decades I tended to visit Mom usually once every 2 weeks or so, crash at her place for a couple days (usually weekends) and I'd stay in the guest bedroom and primarily use the guest bathroom. Times when Sister visited she and her family would stay in there and use that bathroom, but mostly it was me.

Now that Mom's been placed into a care facility Sister is adamant that room is her's and that bathroom I'm not to use, if I need to use it at all. To be clear, I can bathe myself at my home but the water pressure is so much better at Mom's.

...and Sis has "commanded" if I have to shower at Mom's I have to use Mom's shower, which isn't a conventional shower and I've never liked it.

Now... about 3 weeks back I was there for a bit and I showered, but out of habit I used the guest bathroom. I didn't even remember I wasn't supposed to until about 10 minutes under that blessedly wonderful heated pressure.

Sis will be here next week and while I didn't leave any kind of mess in there, even placed the towels and whatnot I used in to Mom's bathroom, I should probably swing by and make sure it looks up to Sis' standards.

Le sigh...

Just when you think it can't possibly get any worse...

2025-05-09T21:34:25Z

Mother's Day is this coming Sunday, but I'm unable to visit Mom for a host of reasons... all of which are my own fault, circumstances notwithstanding.

On April 26th I had been planning on going up to see Mom, but I ran into a problem. While getting gas I was informed I didn't have any money to pay, which surprised me. I've been doing really well of keeping track of my money for quite awhile, and managed not to exceed a certain minimum level.

So I was confused.

After finally using my bank's website (prefer to do all my banking at the bank) as I had no other choice as the local branch isn't open on weekends, I went through it all and found out my boo boo. My landlord had put in 2 of my rent checks simultaneously... clearly I wasn't keeping track as well as I should have as I'd thought I'd already calculated the previous rent check. Thinking I had plenty of money to spare, when I didn't, I unknowingly drained what I had left...

...thus, no money.

The last 2 weeks I've survived on the very bare basics, while my Sister sent a check in the mail. I cashed in my jar of spare change, which helped for a bit, and went through all my canned food... but that was pretty much gone by the start of this week. Last few days have been a jar of organic peanut butter and water... and the check (which arrived today) is a whole other mess of problems.

It should've arrived much sooner than 2 weeks, normally mail from Sis takes 3 to 4 days at most... but, along with many other things, our incompetent current PotUS has screwed up the Postal Service.

Took it straight to the bank to get in my checking account, for the various things and an actual meal, but this was not to be. Turns out the funds are not available for 3 business days, which as the weekend doesn't count means I can't access any of that until Wednesday. Possibly Tuesday if today counts...

...and then it got worser still!

During the course of the banking, they asked to see my ID and then said it was useless. Turns out my driver's license expired on my birthday, LAST FUCKING YEAR!

So, not only have I been driving illegally since November (which stops today) but also I can't drive to see Mom on Mother's Day.

I'm rage hating myself at the moment, I make a habit of memorizing all the details on my driver's license. I know the number on it and the expiration date by heart... but somehow I misremembered it as 2025 and not 2024.

The week it expired was the same week Mom was taken away to the hospital, and then a short-term care facility. Her dementia went into full out of control that week, and I was a mess. Still am, but I'm a slightly recovered mess... but still unspooled totally.

Mom was my rock, and then...

Anywho, had to get that all out. Gotta call the DMV and see if they sent me a new driver's license and it just didn't get to me and if so, how to get my hands on a new one.

I can't see Mom for Mother's Day, and I am totally to blame.

Public Transit isn't an option, my Clipper Card was one of the things I was going to put money on ASAP, but that's not gonna be a thing until next week.

Plus, I'm so freaking hungry... that organic peanut butter isn't gonna survive the weekend.

Well...

2025-04-14T19:53:50Z

...mood themes are working again.

I figured out what happened with the mood themes...

2025-04-06T18:00:02Z

...but that can wait for another post.

Tomorrow is my 1st ever colonoscopy. ACK!

Today I'm on a very confusing and largely starvation inducing limited diet, of things listed as "clear foods":
· Black Coffee (I CANNOT SEE THRU THAT!!)
· Tea (don't drink the stuff)
· Gatorade (haven't had that since grade school)
· Popsicle (don't like those)
· 7-Up (I opted for Sprite)
· Clear broth (if that's chicken soup without the meat in it I may be okay)
· Apple Juice (this I like)
· Jello (never touch the stuff)

· DO NOT eat solid food
· DO NOT chew gum (never do)
· DO NOT drink any of the following:
- NO red or purple liquid
- NO liquids that you can't see through (I CANNOT SEE THRU COFFEE!!!!)
- NO alcoholic beverages (not a problem)
- NO milk products (I'm in Hell)

As previously discussed, here and there, when the weather is hot I don't notice when I'm hungry... can go for almost an entire day without eating as I tend to only eat when I'm hungry.

Yesterday was ideal for that, it was very warm.

Today is chilly.

Fuck!

Sometime after the colonoscopy is over, I'm getting a deep dish pizza from Dominos with ham, pineapple, and spinach. Anyone who gets between it and me WILL DIE!

I am annoyed

2025-04-01T23:38:17Z

Sometime this past week, or at least since this past weekend, the mood themes I made/edited (i_be_moody) stopped working.

Haven't checked if this is true of all mood themes, not just my custom ones... but either way this is not good.

Anybody have a clue why? I checked the links, they're all still working.

Arg.

2025-03-31T06:48:58Z

Mom has a printer at her place, I do not.

Went to her place to print some stuff, did some other things, came home.

Not until I was back here did I realize I left the print outs on the desk at her place.

Le sigh...

visiting Mom is getting tricky

2025-03-05T20:01:01Z

Intially when Mom was put up in the home I decided I'd visit every 3 to 4 days, and that worked pretty solid for the most part. Somewhat tricky as I'm unemployed and my meager funds with current gas costs is a bit of a hardship ($60 for a full gas tank) but I largely blow that off as I don't generally handle money well so if I'm blowing it to see her... that seems more than fair.

Eventually I'll be working again and that will impact seeing Mom. Most jobs give a body 1 or 2 days off any given week, meaning I'd probably be reduced to seeing Mom once a week...

...warped logic for why I'm also not employed, to not take away time for seeing her.

Although that's not the current pickle.

Spent the day with niveK yesterday, and he has a cat. I love cats and play with them despite the hardship they bring. While I didn't have it initially, I developed an allergy to cats in my mid 20s. Coupled with my asthma, that causes problems.

Nice thing is one of my daily meds is an antihistamine, so the asthma didn't get tripped and my breathing was fine but it's nowhere near as strong as Zyrtec, so I was an itchy red-eyed mess last night.

I'm delaying seeing Mom this week due to that. Her allergy to cats is stronger than mine, don't wanna chance any remaining cat dander on me making her life more miserable than it already is.

Well, I'm active on Twitter again.

2025-02-03T18:05:47Z

A new personal account:

poking life into an old community

2024-12-24T18:09:56Z

https://splodefromugly.livejournal.com

My 2024 in pictures

2024-12-23T08:12:19Z

think I disabled it

2024-12-08T16:17:48Z

Think I've managed to disable the constant achievement notifications for accounts which are, mostly, no longer active.

1. Go here:
https://www.livejournal.com/manage/settings/?cat=notifications

2. Unclick the achievement option for others.

3. Don't forget to hit SAVE at the bottom.

Assemble

2024-11-15T05:42:51Z

Avengers:
https://mighty-avengers.livejournal.com/tag/youtube.com

not doing so well

2024-11-01T13:23:35Z

Mom had a fall about a month back and I went up to take care of her while she was recovering. Intial diagnosis was way off, she went to a local hospital but has more recently gone to a much more stable situation at Stanford who properly diagnosed her and fixed that situation.

But... roundabout the middle of that Mom's sanity went bye bye. I had first been of the mind this would end when she got better, except now she's better and her sanity is nowhere in sight. She is healthy again, as much as someone 80+ can be healthy, but mentally she's been steadily deteriorating.

Sister came out from the East Coast and is helping, but she's always been the more pragmatic of the two of us... I'm not the sane one by a longshot, and this hasn't helped.

Already talk of selling Mom's place to pay for longterm care while a good place for her to be moved into permanently is selected.

I'd hoped Mom's mind would come back when she got better, as it's happened before... and I know of others who's sanity went bye bye when they were unwell. Me, myself, when I get feverish I get full on hallucinations and my tenuous grasp on sanity (normally refer to myself as functionally sane) goes out the window.

Soon as the fever breaks, I'm right as rain again. Or as close to right as I ever am, at any rate.

Doesn't help I've been plagued with visions the last few months of Mom suddenly being gone, which I had thought meant DEATH and the prospect of that wasn't putting me in a healthy state of existence.

Mom may survive this with the help of others. I'm not so sure I will.

That's weird!

2024-10-11T19:33:11Z

Last couple days I've been getting notifications in my inbox here about friends getting all sorts of awards...

Today my inbox has 71 notifications on that, including 1 in particular which was surprising in that as he hasn't been on LJ for several years.

Why are people with no longer active accounts getting awards?!?

just in a mood

2024-09-21T20:41:38Z

Have I been rehymenated?

2024-09-10T14:41:27Z

It occured to me this morning it's been so long since I last had sex it's almost been as long since the first time I had sex after I was born.

At 14 years of age I was librated from my virginity by an older woman. There was a bit of a language barrier, but all things being equal... no complaints.

The last time I had sex, by which I mean the whole enchilada, was the the last weekend of November in 2011.

If the span of time since I last had sex exceeds the age I was when I first had sex, would that mean I became a virgin again?!?

uh oh

2024-08-21T03:27:25Z

Cheese

2024-08-16T04:36:13Z

It's a mold form, did you know that? Cheese is mold... an unusually popular and tasty one.

I largely use it for sandwiches but my fridge is tiny and it tends to go badly for any cheese that isn't Kraft. Inside the packaging the individually wrapped slices of cheese ideally preserves cheese quite well.

But for whatever reason, any other kind of cheese which is wrapped in a simple large bag without the slices wrapped the bag never stays sealed and the cheese molds even further. Something you wouldn't think happens while being stored cold, yet it does.

I lose a lot of good cheese this way... but the moldy cheese does make me popular with the local raccoons.