End of the semester college woes
Well, it's that time of the year again where I've reached my mental limits in essay writing, and yet my longest paper of the semester is due in about a week... and I've yet to start it, of course, because I'm a big fat procrastinator who has no idea what she's doing. Not only that, I have to give a five minute presentation about the paper before it's actually due. What kills me is the professor for this class outright stated she knows most students hate speaking in front of one another... but she's making us do it anyway. I do hate speaking in front of other students, and it hasn't really gotten easier since I started school. I don't know if that's the general consensus amongst teachers or something? That if you do it often enough, it gets easier and you begin to feel comfortable speaking in front of large crowds? This, unfortunately, has never been my experience. It can be better when I know a few people in the class, but I haven't made any new friends so far this year.
My fear is only made worse by the fact that I'm in a Jane Austen class, and all of my classmates seem incredibly well-versed in her books. I feel like I'll be hugely judged based on my attempts at analyzing the book I choose.
I'm having a little trouble finding the right direction for my paper topic. I was originally considering a thesis for Mansfield Park, but I read a YA book called For Darkness Shows the Stars by Diana Peterfreund in place of MP for our second essay -- a comparison of an Austen novel to a book based on it -- and then I never found the time to get through MP. MP is the longest of all her novels, and I am a damn slow reader (like, it's a wonder I've gotten through the books I did this semester). I wasn't sure I'd be able to both finish off MP and have enough time to research and write the final paper. Honestly, the thesis I came up with for MP was the only good idea I felt I had, so I've stalled a little on what to choose now. When I mentioned the theme during our MP class discussions, my professor expressed interest in the idea of Fanny/other characters discovering her self-worth throughout the novel. And I have so many issues with wanting to choose "fresh" topics with the mentality to specifically please my professors -- it may not be totally original in conjunction with what all has been written on Austen, but it's probably better than anything I could write about if I chose, say, Pride and Prejudice (you know that book has been analyzed to death). I knew I would have these problems going into the class, but I was still hoping I'd figure everything out when the time came.
My other idea was to somehow compare Love and Freindship and Sanditon -- maybe their major themes and writing styles in relation to Austen's age? Not knowing what Sanditon is about (we're supposed to be reading it this coming week), I wasn't sure that would work; however, I could see myself getting through that faster than Mansfield Park. I was also a little hesitant because I think a big part of the evolution in Austen's writing is the setting she herself grew up in, and I'm not sure I feel knowledgeable enough to write about that particular time period.
Besides going against MP's length and the time I have left before the paper is due, I wasn't sure my idea would be enough for a longer essay. I've seen the 1999 movie version of MP multiple times, and despite it not being entirely faithful to the book, the movie has always been a favorite adaptation of mine. This gives me more of an attachment to MP and its characters, above Love and Freindship and Sanditon, and I always feel I write better when I have that. (I'm very much a "character/theme analysis"-driven type of essay writer, so it usually piques my interest more when I feel obsessively invested in a book and its characters, lol.) Further, I think I might have an easier time finding sources for MP.
I'm probably way overthinking this. This paper comes on the heels of getting an 'A' on my last essay -- along with some very nice critiques from my professor -- so I'm extra nervous that I won't be able to repeat that performance. (My interest in that particular essay probably has something to do with the fact that I eat, sleep, and breathe YA.)
I sent this massive e-mail to my professor, and she came back with the idea to write about Persuasion instead, applying the same concept. *coughs* I was supposed to read Persuasion along with For Darkness Shows the Stars, but I didn't exactly get through it either. I figured my second essay would mostly be about the compared book and I could get away without finishing Persuasion. (I should also mention that the week before it was due, I had planned to read Persuasion, but then I got sick. Excuses, excuses, right? I take complete blame. My habit to constantly procrastinate my schoolwork is a full-on problem.) However, Persuasion is considerably shorter, so maybe if I push myself this weekend, I can read the entire book. I have until April 30th to turn the essay in -- my professor won't be expecting to see any research in the presentation, so maybe... maybe... by the grace of the procrastination gods, I will get this crap done.
It may seem odd that I want to read the book instead of using Sparknotes or something. I just feel like having to go in front of the class, I should be as prepared as possible. I don't know. I'm so torn between wanting to survive this class, and feeling extreme guilt over not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. I truly like Austen -- I've seen all the movies based on the books, and they're still some of my favorites... so as a fan, I've always wanted to try the books. But maybe taking them all on at once wasn't the best idea.
It also doesn't help matters that I am just down a DC/Marvel black hole between the new Captain America movie, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and Arrow. Seriously. All I want to do is type out lengthy essay-style blog posts about how perfect comic-related media is at the moment and how I love all the CONNECTIONS being made on AoS and Arrow and the DANG SET-UPS and THE CHARACTER ARCS and SUPER HEROES and HEROINES and VILLAINS and SECRET SPIES and CLANDESTINE BRANCHES OF THE GOVERNMENT. My brain has been hardwired to only care about comics and Game of Thrones right now!!! Go away, school! D:
I will eventually update about my progress in school, but that's a completely different set of not-good baggage (and this post is long enough).
My fear is only made worse by the fact that I'm in a Jane Austen class, and all of my classmates seem incredibly well-versed in her books. I feel like I'll be hugely judged based on my attempts at analyzing the book I choose.
I'm having a little trouble finding the right direction for my paper topic. I was originally considering a thesis for Mansfield Park, but I read a YA book called For Darkness Shows the Stars by Diana Peterfreund in place of MP for our second essay -- a comparison of an Austen novel to a book based on it -- and then I never found the time to get through MP. MP is the longest of all her novels, and I am a damn slow reader (like, it's a wonder I've gotten through the books I did this semester). I wasn't sure I'd be able to both finish off MP and have enough time to research and write the final paper. Honestly, the thesis I came up with for MP was the only good idea I felt I had, so I've stalled a little on what to choose now. When I mentioned the theme during our MP class discussions, my professor expressed interest in the idea of Fanny/other characters discovering her self-worth throughout the novel. And I have so many issues with wanting to choose "fresh" topics with the mentality to specifically please my professors -- it may not be totally original in conjunction with what all has been written on Austen, but it's probably better than anything I could write about if I chose, say, Pride and Prejudice (you know that book has been analyzed to death). I knew I would have these problems going into the class, but I was still hoping I'd figure everything out when the time came.
My other idea was to somehow compare Love and Freindship and Sanditon -- maybe their major themes and writing styles in relation to Austen's age? Not knowing what Sanditon is about (we're supposed to be reading it this coming week), I wasn't sure that would work; however, I could see myself getting through that faster than Mansfield Park. I was also a little hesitant because I think a big part of the evolution in Austen's writing is the setting she herself grew up in, and I'm not sure I feel knowledgeable enough to write about that particular time period.
Besides going against MP's length and the time I have left before the paper is due, I wasn't sure my idea would be enough for a longer essay. I've seen the 1999 movie version of MP multiple times, and despite it not being entirely faithful to the book, the movie has always been a favorite adaptation of mine. This gives me more of an attachment to MP and its characters, above Love and Freindship and Sanditon, and I always feel I write better when I have that. (I'm very much a "character/theme analysis"-driven type of essay writer, so it usually piques my interest more when I feel obsessively invested in a book and its characters, lol.) Further, I think I might have an easier time finding sources for MP.
I'm probably way overthinking this. This paper comes on the heels of getting an 'A' on my last essay -- along with some very nice critiques from my professor -- so I'm extra nervous that I won't be able to repeat that performance. (My interest in that particular essay probably has something to do with the fact that I eat, sleep, and breathe YA.)
I sent this massive e-mail to my professor, and she came back with the idea to write about Persuasion instead, applying the same concept. *coughs* I was supposed to read Persuasion along with For Darkness Shows the Stars, but I didn't exactly get through it either. I figured my second essay would mostly be about the compared book and I could get away without finishing Persuasion. (I should also mention that the week before it was due, I had planned to read Persuasion, but then I got sick. Excuses, excuses, right? I take complete blame. My habit to constantly procrastinate my schoolwork is a full-on problem.) However, Persuasion is considerably shorter, so maybe if I push myself this weekend, I can read the entire book. I have until April 30th to turn the essay in -- my professor won't be expecting to see any research in the presentation, so maybe... maybe... by the grace of the procrastination gods, I will get this crap done.
It may seem odd that I want to read the book instead of using Sparknotes or something. I just feel like having to go in front of the class, I should be as prepared as possible. I don't know. I'm so torn between wanting to survive this class, and feeling extreme guilt over not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. I truly like Austen -- I've seen all the movies based on the books, and they're still some of my favorites... so as a fan, I've always wanted to try the books. But maybe taking them all on at once wasn't the best idea.
It also doesn't help matters that I am just down a DC/Marvel black hole between the new Captain America movie, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and Arrow. Seriously. All I want to do is type out lengthy essay-style blog posts about how perfect comic-related media is at the moment and how I love all the CONNECTIONS being made on AoS and Arrow and the DANG SET-UPS and THE CHARACTER ARCS and SUPER HEROES and HEROINES and VILLAINS and SECRET SPIES and CLANDESTINE BRANCHES OF THE GOVERNMENT. My brain has been hardwired to only care about comics and Game of Thrones right now!!! Go away, school! D:
I will eventually update about my progress in school, but that's a completely different set of not-good baggage (and this post is long enough).