You’ve put a lot of thought into why you’re still single. The answers are rote by now.

All the good ones are taken. Men don’t want women their own age. Dating apps are demoralizing. There’s no one attractive in your area. It’s hard to find someone at your level.

These limiting beliefs are all partially true, which is why it’s so easy to retreat to them. The problem, of course, is that SOMEONE is dating online successfully, SOMEONE is finding a man she respects in her city, SOMEONE is getting married this coming weekend.

And it’s not just women who are younger, thinner, or more impressive. It’s women like you. As a dating coach, I’m always looking for ideas that can give you an aha moment, jolt you out of your patterns, and get you to see your romantic situation through a different lens.

Which is why I got excited when I was walking my dog and listening to my friend, Rachel Greenwald get interviewed by my friend, Chip Conley on his Midlife Chrysalis Podcast.

Rachel is a high-end matchmaker who works primarily with successful men. Chip is the founder of Modern Elder Academy and was a guest on my podcast last year.

Anyway, Rachel was explaining her intake process, which is not dissimilar from my own. In it, she asks women to fill out a short questionnaire. One of the questions she asks is: “What are you looking for in a partner?” It sounds like a simple and benign question, and, indeed, for most women, it requires very little thought:

“Six feet tall, handsome, college educated, makes more money than I do, shares the same hobbies religion and politics, and has the same interest in family as I do.”

There are variations on this, of course, but you don’t have to be a dating coach to recognize that when you ask most women what they’re looking for, it’ll sound a lot like that. Naturally. That’s what you’re attracted to. That’s what you’ve been searching for online.

Then, a week later, when Rachel finally gets on Zoom with them, she asks a slightly different series of questions:

“Who makes you happiest when you’re with them? When you have a bad day and there’s only one person you turn to, who is that? Who brings out the best in you?”

The answer to this is often your Mom, your sister, or your best friend from college. Why? Because she accepts you. She doesn’t judge you. She sees you as the best version of you. You can relax around her. You can let down your guard around her. You can be yourself and never worry that she’s going to judge you or abandon you.

Once Rachel establishes the person who provides the most unconditional love, she goes back to the original list of what you’re looking for in a partner: height, weight, age, education, income, etc.

She points out that the gap between those two lists is what’s keeping you single.

The person who makes you happiest is the person who accepts you in full.

The person you’re trying to date is the person who impresses you the most.

It’s not about “settling” or giving up on traits you’re attracted to, but it’s DEFINITELY about paying closer attention to how your boyfriend makes you FEEL.

And if that sounds familiar, it’s because it’s just another way of arriving at the same conclusion that I’ve been talking about in this newsletter for years.

Now here’s the hard part:

There’s understanding what Rachel said and there’s LIVING it.

You’re smart. I know you understand that trying to date a man who is just like you (but better!) and doesn’t have any of your flaws is not realistic. I know you understand that just because you have chemistry doesn’t mean you’ll have long-term compatibility.

The real question is this: if you understand all of this, how come you’re still single?

THAT is the single biggest question most of my clients have.

THAT is what we answer together when I’m your coach.

It’s not just shining the light in your blind spots, it’s about giving you structure, action steps, and accountability while you’re dating, until you meet the right guy.

You’re never more dateable than when you’re feeling good about yourself outside of love. If you have a great life and no one to share it with, I’m excited to hear from you.