"All bangers, all the time."

Orlando Bloom: DRC's Children — Recruited To Fight, Killed, and Raped — Need Violence To Stop Now

2024-07-10T17:22:43Z

The UN decided to pull peacekeeping troops out of The Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) and Phase 1 of the departure of the UN-DRC peacekeeping mission, MONUSCO, was completed on June 25, 2024. This plan was executed even though the conditions in the country are dire. Phase 2 ha now been paused but the departure is expected to be completed at the end of 2024.

The movie star Orlando Bloom describes the exploitative conditions he found during a recent humanitarian trip to the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC).

The DRC is home to the largest reserves of coltan—a mineral used in the smartphones we are glued to—as well as significant quantities of the world's cobalt and copper. The country has the Earth's second-largest rainforest after the Amazon. As the second-largest country in Africa, the DRC is the size of Western Europe. It should be one of the richest countries in the world.
Yet, it is one of the world's poorest countries, and as a result of the ongoing armed conflict and inter-ethnic violence, poor governance, and a lack of infrastructure, the Congolese people are not benefiting from this immense wealth.
After relative stability in recent years, renewed conflict since March 2022 in three provinces in eastern DRC has resulted in huge displacement. There are now around 6.4 million people displaced from their homes in the east of the country, including 1.5 million living in camps around the city of Goma, with new families arriving every day. Across the whole country, there are 7.3 million displaced people—an unprecedented number for the DRC. The majority of these people are children and women.

Image: On June 2, 2024, in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador Orlando Bloom hugs an 8-year-old girl, a child conceived through rape, while visiting Panzi Hospital in Bukavu, South Kivu province. PHOTO COURTESY OF VINCENT TREMEAU/UNICEF

Orlando Bloom speaks up about the suffering of children in the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). He describes how children in the DRC are abused as child soldiers, raped, and suffer from actual hunger, and he criticizes how little public attention it gets in 1st world countries:

As is the case in most conflicts, children and women are most affected. Malnutrition remains critical, with more than 1.2 million children under 5 years of age requiring treatment for severe wasting. At the end of last year, 848 schools were closed due to insecurity, disrupting the education of more than 300,000 children.
The DRC regularly ranks among the top three countries with the highest number of grave violations against children. Last year, the U.N. verified more than 3,750 violations against children, including 1,861 children who were recruited and used by armed groups. These are just the reports that the U.N. was able to verify, and the true number is likely even higher.
Almost no one is talking about these atrocities against children.

He continues:

But what haunts me the most is the staggering rates of sexual violence against children and women, including at Internally Displaced People (IDP) camps. Two out of five survivors assisted by the humanitarian community in 2023 across the country were children under 18.
I met some of these girls and women in South Kivu at the Panzi Hospital founded by Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Dr. Denis Mukwege.
Here, I met Jemima,* who was abducted at the age of 4 by an armed group and taken to live in the bush. Within a few years, she was being raped on a regular basis. By the time she escaped at the age of 9, her little body was so damaged that hospital staff weren't sure she would survive. But after many years and many surgeries, much medical assistance, and psychological support, Jemima told me she is strong, has found self-worth, and is currently studying to be a nurse so she can help other women. Ultimately, she dreams of becoming a doctor.
I want to share Jemima's plea to me. "I want people to know what is going on here," she told me. "This cycle of violence needs to stop."
*Real names have not been used to protect the children's identities.

After only seeing "refugee camps" in the news that look like normal cities in the past months, it was jarring to see what a refugee camp looks like in the DRC:

Image: A view of tents at the Bushagara site for internally displaced people on the outskirts of Goma in eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo, photographed during a visit by UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador Orlando Bloom, PHOTO COURTESY OF VINCENT TREMEAU/UNICEF

Full text and more photos at the source:
https://www.newsweek.com/orlando-bloom-drcs-childrenrecruited-fight-killed-rapedneed-violence-stop-now-opinion-1922532

https://www.jurist.org/news/2024/07/un-peacekeeping-exit-in-drc-paused-amid-risk-of-wider-conflict/

Do you have ideas on what you and I can do to help?
I purposefully use my phones until they no longer function and will probably buy an ethical smartphone the next time I need one. Apart from that I do not have a lot of ideas... Donate? Demand the UN reverses its planned withdrawal of peacekeeping troops?

french fries

2024-05-19T17:32:22Z

I do not have a fryer, air fryer or convection oven. Just a standard oven with gas. It is not new, it is not fancy, and it has seen better days.
For years every time I tried to make fries in my oven I was kind of happy because "Fries, how can you not be happy?" but also unhappy at the same time. Because they never turned out as well as I thought they should be and could be. I tried different brands. I tried the specially designated oven fries. I tried curly fries. Sweet potato fries and vegetable fries. Extra-thick fries. Wavy fries. All of them.
Inevitably the thin ones would burn, and the thick ones would be undercooked. I thought the wavy fries would be lifted up from the baking sheet and that would finally do the trick. Nope. The fancy curly fries which looked so appetizing and crispy on the package were just sad and soggy. But last week I made a breakthrough...

Today I bring you the gospel of pommes gaufrettes, Gitterpommes, or lattice fries!

I can not believe I managed to get this old and only discovered them now. I wondered whether they were a new thing so I searched around a bit.

Lattice fries, as near as anyone can trace them, originally appeared in the Ritz restaurant , 722 N 10th, Quincy IL owned by Eddie Spickler in 1921. He served ground tenderloins with a side of lattice fries for $.10. He may not have been the inventor but he did have the tool specially made in a Quincy machine shop at that time. Quincy thus claims the title "Lattice Fries Capital of the World".

Apparently they are old news but I am nonetheless proud of my discovery. I bought them twice now.
So on the off chance you are unhappy about soggy fries as well, get thee to a supermarket and buy some lattice fries! And if you are sitting there shaking your head at the silliness of this post because you knew about lattice fries all along...
You should have told me! Shame on you!

Writing prompts?

2024-01-09T21:53:27Z

I miss LJ idol. Even if it was stressful to write to a deadline it got me writing and I am really glad I have these entries now. If I can post whenever about whatever.... I have all these half-baked ideas but I never sit down and actually put them to paper (or keyboard). Do you know about another writing community on LJ? Or writing prompts where people actually give a shit?

Unfortunate Coincidence

2023-11-03T09:11:37Z

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying—
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

Dorothy Parker
(1893 – 1967)

now.

2022-04-28T22:47:38Z

She looks as great as the last time I saw her. All smiles. Radiant. When she's happy it makes me happy, too.
I watch as she takes the first sip of coffee, licking foam off her upper lip.
"So today was a good day?", Kaylee grins.
"Yes," I think I am actually purring like a cat, "today was a good day. I don't have the actual papers yet, they are going to send them in the mail. But just the thought that this is all going to be over soon... It is such a relief.

"I actually asked you here today, because I have something to tell you...", she pauses. "You know how for most of the week I talked about asking out this girl, right?"

Like I could have missed that. It's all she talks about, all day, every day. But I am a good friend, so I sigh inward only: "Yes, did you make any progress?"

"Kinda. The girl I want to ask out is... you"

I just stare at her. And blink. And stare.

"Can you say something, please?", Kaylee looks very small right now, "I'm really putting myself out there, you know?"

I force myself to speak: "I feel like.... you missed the boat on that one. I was so completely head over heels into you about half a year ago. But you never made a move. Now we are friends, you know?"

We look at each other across the table and neither knows anything else to say. This is stupid. And just like that I get angry. Why did she have to ruin everything? I was fine with being just friends. Fine with being a virgin. And now she tells me... I could have had it all? I get up so suddenly that my chair flips over.
"I am going to leave", I do not wait for her answer as I turn on my heel.

Coffee is code for... ?

2022-03-26T23:28:53Z

I dislike it when a guy asks me to coffee. I just don't know what his intentions are. A man I had a crush on for the longest time asked me to go have coffee with him. We have seen each other in social settings but never one on one. And that is fine because he used to be married so I did not think anything could come of it. But now he's divorced. He tells me this in the same email. He also asks me about what I am learning in school because he is in the same industry. Does he want to become closer friends? Does he think this is a date? An informational interview? I would have been thrilled if he asked me out. Terrified but thrilled. As it is I am only terrified.

I associate coffee with work breaks. Maybe a quick chat with a colleague. Not inherently romantic or sexy.
I did not reply to the coffee request. I meet the man some months later and he is dating someone. I am still not sure whether the coffee ask was a date ask.

I feel stupid. Either because we had an opportunity and I let it pass by. Or because I think there was an opportunity when there was in fact no such thing. I dislike it when a guy asks me to coffee.

"The axe forgets; the tree remembers" — Zimbabwean Proverb

2022-03-26T18:58:53Z

I fear we'll go over time again as I glance at the clock in the corner of my computer screen. We are nearing the end of our allotted class time, and the lecturer has not even begun giving out the homework. I was unable to concentrate past the first hour; any extra time is just wasted at this point. I decide I will finish on time, no matter what and close down my laptop as soon as the clock shows 20:30. I gather my things, step out into the cool night air, and unlock my bicycle. I dream about my dinner on the way back. I only had coffee since breakfast. There's a microwave I could use, but it requires more planning than I can muster on a typical day. I am so spent. Do I have the stamina to buy chicken, vegetables and make a real meal? Or should I give into the temptation to buy a frozen pizza?

I am still weighing my option when I reach the entrance to the park that separates me from the supermarket on the other side. Should I cross through the park? Or take the long way around? I peer down the path that leads into the park. I can see the other street at the end of the path. It is dimly lit, but at least it is lit at all. Someone is walking about halfway down, away from me. I can't see; is that a man or a woman? I stand at the entrance to the park, unsure. Hmm, this person is not very tall. And I think the hips are too wide to be a man's. It does look remarkably like me, wider in the upper body, thinner in the waist, wider in the hips. It has to be a woman. I glide down the path, mapping out the distance I have to cross. I ride in the middle of the lane, repeatedly glancing off into the darkness on either side. There's a group of guys on one side. But I am okay. I am not alone. I reach her and notice the bulbous headphones on her head. She only turns her head when I've caught up with her already. Shit, she would not have been able to help me. Would she even have heard me? And is she able to hear if someone walks up to her? She did not notice me riding up to her.

I turn my bike around and ride back a few metres: "It is none of my business...." I hesitate. "But I noticed that you were wearing headphones. I read that you should not do that because you won't be able to notice what is going on around you." I peter out.
"Actually, I only have it on one ear."
"Oh, that's good because I saw only one side of you, and you didn't seem to notice me until I already passed you. It was me, but it could have been somebody else sneaking up on you, and I grew worried...." I trail off.
"You are right. I pushed one off my ear because I thought maybe I should have at least a general awareness of my surroundings..."
"Oh, I am so glad you did not take it poorly. Because you never know. Someone might see it as criticism and get angry."
"No, thank you for noticing. It makes me feel like someone is watching out for me. I also thought twice about whether I should walk through the park. I live right down there" I know the street she names. "And I fought with myself because I wanted to get home. Do I walk all the way around the park?"
"You know what, I had the same thought. I stood at the edge and looked down the park, trying to figure out whether you were a man or a woman. Isn't it shit that we have to do this every day of our lives? I live right around here; this is my home turf. I know the area, yet I am afraid every day."
"So shit. And at 9 in the evening. It's unfair. Men don't even have to think about this."
While we talk, two women pass us, chatting animatedly. They are together, not alone, and I don't have to worry that much about them.
"Anyways, have a good night, and get home safely!"
"You too. I hope we bump into each other again, some time!"
"Yes, that would be nice."

I begin to ride away. This was a friendly chat. I felt much better than my exhausted self when I left the co-working space where I studied today. Maybe I should... I turn my bicycle around and drive back towards the woman for the second time that night.

"Hey, do you want to exchange phone numbers or emails or something?"

I think I made a new friend.

African people caught in limbo at borders trying to flee from Russia-Ukraine war

2022-03-03T14:37:09Z

We are saddened by the news of African and other international students being denied at the border as they attempt to leave Ukraine. We are hopeful that the various embassies could swiftly rectify the situation to help those in need of support.
— BeyGOOD (@BeyGood) February 28, 2022

Background:

After president Vladimir Putin ordered attacks on Ukraine last week, thousands of people have been fleeing Ukraine seeking refuge. Many of these people are immigrants in the country, a good number of them being African. Seeking safety hasn’t been particularly easy for the black and African immigrants in particular as they are being met with blatant bigotry and racism at various borders.

— Reuters , https://www.reuters.com/world/au-decries-reports-ill-treatment-africans-try-flee-ukraine-2022-02-28/

There have been numerous reports about black people being pushed back every time they reach the front of the queue, waiting for days on end.

Claims that Black, south Asian and Mediterranean people escaping intensified shelling were blocked from crossing the border to Poland by security officials were initially dismissed as ‘Russian disinformation’ on social media.

But videos shared on Twitter showed African and Caribbean students and families being pushed away from boarding buses and trains heading out of Ukraine.

Filippo Grandi, the UN’s high commissioner for refugees, confirmed ‘there has been a different treatment’ during a press conference on Tuesday afternoon.

— Gergana Krasteva for MSN, https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/world/un-admits-ukrainian-refugees-have-faced-racism-on-poland-border/ar-AAUtV39

Two African students, of Eswatini (Swaziland) nationality, comfort each-other after they manage to pass the Romanian-Ukrainian border crossing point in Siret (Picture: EPA)

Pyra Diantouadi, an immigrant from Congo living in Dnipro, Ukraine, spoke with ABC News on Tuesday after arriving in Korzcowa, Poland.
He said that as he waited to board a train, he was told that only women and children were allowed but then watched as some Ukrainian men were allowed to board.

Korrine Sky, a Black British medical student living in Ukraine, told ABC News on Wednesday that she and her family were in a line of cars for 40 hours at the Romanian border, and as they reached the front of the line they were aggressively confronted by some Ukrainians who did not want them to enter.

Sky said that when she and her husband got out of the car to seek help from the Ukrainian military, they were asked to join a line for those traveling on foot that only included "people of color."

"There was, like, evident segregation," she said.

"They are prioritizing Ukrainian people leaving Ukraine," she added. "Us students, who've come from different countries to get an education for a better life for our families and friends, we're the least of their worries."

— Deena Zaru for ABC News, https://abcnews.go.com/International/nonwhite-refugees-fleeing-ukraine-caught-theyre-limbo-borders/story?id=83211545

A woman from Western Africa cries while taking on the phone after fleeing Ukraine following the Russian invasion, at the border checkpoint in Medyka, Poland, February 28, 2022. REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

Rachel Onyegbule, a Nigerian first-year medical student in Lviv was left stranded at the border town of Shehyni, some 400 miles from Ukraine's capital, Kyiv.

She told CNN: "More than 10 buses came and we were watching everyone leave. We thought after they took all the Ukrainians they would take us, but they told us we had to walk, that there were no more buses and told us to walk."

"My body was numb from the cold and we haven't slept in about 4 days now. Ukrainians have been prioritized over Africans -- men and women -- at every point. There's no need for us to ask why. We know why. I just want to get home," Onyegbule told CNN in a telephone call Sunday as she waited in line at the border to cross into Poland.

— Stephanie Busari, Nimi Princewill, Shama Nasinde and Mohammed Tawfeeq, CNN, https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/indian-and-african-students-fleeing-ukraine-say-they-face-racism-at-border/ar-AAUrwz3

I originally wrote this for ONTD but wanted to have a version in my own journal as well and could not figure out how to cross-post. The ONTD post is here: https://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/122857670.html

Men who are serious and ready aren't going to half-step

2022-02-27T19:21:51Z

"How do I get a guy who-"
"How do I find a guy that-"
You don't go anywhere or do any tricks.
You just ruthlessly eliminate the ones who aren't showing up the way you need them too (sic!).
The ones who are serious and ready for what you're ready for aren't going to dare to half step.

— @fleeksie, Twitter

sunbeam out of darkness

2022-02-21T22:36:55Z

Someday I was going to go visit you. When I had saved up enough money for the flights. When I had learned at least one of the languages well enough for basic communication. When you called me at least sometimes. When the conflict had died down and it was safer. Someday. Someday.

I thought we had time.

As soon as I heard you were gone I wanted to see you desperately. I didn't consider my pride anymore, or my finances, or my safety.

The other feeling was one of fragility. If you could die so suddenly, so could I. So could anybody else.
I had so little time left. Only one lifetime, maximum.

Waiting in line to save a few bucks? Waste of time. Driving somewhere to drop something off instead of popping it in the mail. Hard no. Wallowing over which of these two almost identical products to buy? It does not matter. Move, move, move! You are wasting time on unimportant stuff!

Only the most profound.
Experiences that deeply move me.
Precious people. Friends and family. Especially those who had the patience and kindness to tolerate my wailing, broken self.

Everything else can go.

And that insight may be the most important thing you gave me. Even though you never gave me much at all when you were still alive.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Former model agency boss, Jean-Luc Brunel, accused of rape and suspected of trafficking minors, dead

2022-02-20T15:39:20Z

Brunel is said to have launched the careers of models such as Monica Bellucci, Angie Everhart, Jerry Hall, Milla Jovovich, Rebecca Romijn, Sharon Stone, and Christy Turlington.

Brunel rose to prominence during the 1980s as a scout at the Karin Models agency in Paris, where he had worked since 1976. After several successful years with the agency, Brunel purchased it from the original owner. Brunel then went on to take part in the launch of Next Model Management, a modeling and talent agency founded in 1989 with divisions in London, Los Angeles, Miami, Milan and Paris. He was banned from Karin Models in 1999 following a BBC investigation into abuse in the modeling agency. Brunel later founded MC2 Modeling Management with locations in New York, Miami and Tel Aviv with financial help from Jeffrey Epstein.

Allegations of misconduct against Brunel date back decades, but he faced no judicial action for a very long time.
Numerous former models came forward with allegations of being raped by Brunel himself or being trafficked to be sexually abused by others. He told prospective young models he launched the careers of some of the most successful models of the era. The women described how they were sexually assaulted by Brunel in the 1980s and 1990s in and around Paris, often abandoning modeling thereafter, and keeping what had happened to them silent from their families out of shame.

“A lot of the girls came from poor countries or poor backgrounds, and [Brunel] lured them in with a promise of making good money,” Virginia Giuffre said in a 2015 affidavit. “Jeffrey Epstein has told me that he has slept with over 1,000 of Brunel’s girls, and everything that I have seen confirms this claim.”

Brunel was finally arrested in December 2020. His arrest was linked to an investigation into "rapes, sexual assaults, the rape and sexual assault of a minor aged 15, the rape and sexual assault of a minor over 15 years, sexual harassment, association with criminals and the trafficking and exploitation of minors," the Paris prosecutor's office said at the time of his arrest.

Jean-Luc Brunel was found alone, hanged with bedsheets, in his cell in La Santé (French for “Health") prison in the 14th arrondissement of Paris, in a wing designated for “vulnerable people,” where many “VIP” prisoners are held at around 1:00 a.m. on February 19.

Brunel had attempted suicide multiple times before his latest successful attempt but was not put on suicide watch, his attorneys complained. His legal team said in a statement: “His distress was that of a man of 75 years old caught up in a media-legal system that we should be questioning. Jean-Luc Brunel never stopped claiming his innocence and had made many efforts to prove it. His decision [to end his life] was not driven by guilt but by a deep sense of injustice.”

I am sure his victims thought it was all very fair...

I am sorry to dump such a heavy topic on you. My heart breaks for every woman and girl who's been lured in with false promises by a man, only to be sexually assaulted and abused. Why is this so common?

If you are struggling and contemplating suicide (for any reason) please accept help. The International Association for Suicide Prevention offers a free online tool that easily connects people to helplines in over 50 countries. Find a Helpline!

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These articles are from 2019 but they give a lot of context:
Jean-Luc Brunel: three former models say they were sexually assaulted by Jeffrey Epstein friend
Thysia Huisman describes alleged rape by Jean-Luc Brunel

Unreported World: Toxic Cost of Going Green

2022-02-17T19:29:07Z

No luck with winter clothes

2022-02-13T12:08:41Z

I am having really bad luck with winter clothes this year.

I bought a dozen thermal tights because I have Raynaud's and my feet were always cold. I usually order tights of any kind a bit larger than recommended because I dislike the sausage-feeling. The size I got was supposed to fit a European size 44-46 so it should have been generous on my. But when I put them on they felt small. They stretched after a while but that also stretched the material. And the fleece lining wasn't all that. So I returned all the other pairs and only kept the one I had tried on. Unfortunately I had bought them from different branches of the same store because it was one of those offers they only get a few of each size on one particular day and the location closest to me only took as many as I had bought there (5). I was a bit miffed considering they advertise their easy return policy, I go to this particular store location several times a week, and they were quite snippy. I already saw myself going to four locations but the next location took the other 6. Phew. As a reward I did my weekly grocery shopping there as well. It was a hassle but I only lost 2.99 €.

But then tragedy struck! About a week after the zipper on my winter jacket broke, I lost a glove. I bought these gloves at the beginning of winter and was ecstatic. Such a steal! Such an elegant style!
Well, one evening I rode the bike to the shopping centre to go to the supermarket. I locked my bike and stuffed my gloves in my pocket as I walked inside. The supermarket was the only open store at that time and there were very few people as it was near closing time. I walked to the back of the shopping centre past all the closed shops and did my grocery shopping. When I got outside again and unlocked my bike I wanted to put the gloves back on for the ride back home and found only one. So I went back inside and checked the floor all the way to the supermarket entrance. I even pleaded with the security guard who was herding the last stragglers towards the exit. Nothing. The supermarket was closed already but I went back there the next morning and they checked their lost and found. Nothing.
So somehow it fell out of my pocket and then what? One of the other 20 people there at the time picked up a single glove and took it home? Threw it in the trash? I don't get it.
I mourn the loss of my supafly gloves.

Luckily winter is almost over!

How about you? Did you have some bad experiences with stores that advertise an easy return policy but when you have to return something you find out it is anything but that? Name and shame!

View and select LJ site schemes other than the current standard (e.g. Dystopia, XColibur, Vertigo)

2022-02-01T12:38:55Z

Update: This does not work if you switched over to the new design by clicking on "Switch to the up-to-date version" in the top right of the screen. Please contact LJ support and ask them to switch you back to the old design first.

LiveJournal nostalgia recently made me yearn for the old site schemes so I went to investigate.
you can view LiveJournal pages in a scheme you are not currently using by appending /?usescheme=[schemename] to the URL e.g. https://www.livejournal.com/portal/index.bml/?usescheme=dystopia

You can not usually see the old styles as an option when you visit https://www.livejournal.com/manage/settings/?cat=display to save and use as your preselected style. But it is given as an option if you view the setting page in the old site scheme. So the trick is to view the settings page where you select your scheme in the scheme you ultimately want and click save at the bottom.

Horizon should always be available to select because it's the site default but just in case it is not:
https://www.livejournal.com/manage/settings/?cat=display&usescheme=horizon

Lanzelot is only available if you opt into Cyrillic Services beforehand:
https://www.livejournal.com/manage/settings/?cat=display&usescheme=lanzelot

The other older site schemes are:
https://www.livejournal.com/manage/settings/?cat=display&usescheme=vertigo
https://www.livejournal.com/manage/settings/?cat=display&usescheme=lynx
https://www.livejournal.com/manage/settings/?cat=display&usescheme=xcolibur
https://www.livejournal.com/manage/settings/?cat=display&usescheme=dystopia

On your keyboards... ready, set, write!

2022-01-27T01:15:40Z

Only four days before #TheRealLJidol starts! If you have fun writing and enjoy friendly competition head on over to therealljidol and sign up!

There, I fixed it.

2022-01-22T21:20:21Z

The zipper on my winter coat broke. That is bad news because the winter is far from over. I think we have another month, or maybe even two. You never quite know. Damn you, Donna Karan!

I was so proud of this DKNY jacket which I found marked down again from the reduced price at TJ Maxx for the princely sum of 18€, because I could never otherwise afford such an item. What an awesome find! What a steal! Right?

It reaches just above the knees, so I can sit on it at a cold bus stop. The skirt part is quite wide (because it is a much too large size 3XL which I cinched in with the tie belt), so I can walk comfortably. It is comfortable and flattering and has huge pockets! But no working zipper anymore. I can still wear it because there is an extra windshield over the zipper with popper buttons. And there is a tie belt at the waistline. It's just not as windproof as it was anymore and more hassle to put on and off.

I wonder whether they thought: "Hmm, we know the zipper is crap; let's at least make provisions for when it bites the dust." So I have been closing the buttons and tied the belt for the past week or so and it's mostly fine. Didn't even have to use a safety pin.

What was your most outrageous stopgap repair?

Hawaiian dreaming.

2022-01-18T23:28:34Z

My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawaii, I live in paradise. Like a permanent vacation. We're all just out here sipping Mai Tais, shaking our hips, and catching waves.

Are they insane?

Do they think we're immune to life?
How can they possibly think our families are less screwed up...
... our cancers less fatal...
... our heartaches less painful?

— Matt King, The Descendants

I looked up what had been filmed on Hawaii over the years. You probably think that is an odd way to select something to watch, but I really need a holiday from the grey and cold winter, even if it is only on screen. I ended up with The Descendants 2011 with George Clooney and Shailene Woodley. I did not expect much when the movie started and the very first frame told me it was a Disney movie. Oh, great, probably some sexist fluff. But like I said I was after some escapism so I kept watching.

And I have to tell you, the movie was surprisingly good.
When the one family member that glues a family together is suddenly incapacitated the other family member have to cope with their struggles on their own, and with each other. In this case it's the wife/mother that managed family life while the father had not looked after his younger daughter (now ten) since she was three.

I am not going to say much more, in case you want to watch it.
Just one thing: So many awesome landscape shots! Remember that was the original quest. A backdrop for my own dreams.

Do you know any other good movies with awesome landscape scenes (beaches are a big plus)? I'm interested in documentaries as well. Leave your best-of in the comments.
Or did you watch The Descendants as well and think I'm nuts? Prove me wrong!

Please put spoilers behind a spoiler tag:

And here's scaffolding for the quote, because I keep copying it:

Happy 2022!

2022-01-05T05:45:26Z

Happy New Year!

This is a message that has been very long in the making. Stuff happened and I felt I could not talk or write about it. But it also seemed impossible to write about my life with a monumental piece of the puzzle missing. I decided to just get on with it, I can always fill in the blanks later if it gets confusing and I need to explain stuff. And then after I decided it took even longer to actually write... writing and re-writing posts in my head. I do that a lot, also with emails to people. And then it's a year later, I never replied and it has become too awkward to do so. The friends I still have are saints for putting up with me.

What's new with you and what are your plans for this upcoming year?

I want to complete the computer programming courses I am currently enrolled in, want to get my first internship, and my first job in the field. This is only one sentence but I am really very overwhelmed with it all.

My sleep schedule is all messed up since we broke for the winter holidays. I gradually slipped into a pattern where I went to bed later and later until finally I went to bed at 3:00 or 4:00 and woke up at noon or 13:00. Then a couple of days ago, I think I had a nap in the afternoon and everything got switched again. Now I go to bed at about midnight, wake up at 3 and cannot fall back asleep. Then I am awake until noon, sleep a couple hours more and then am awake from 16:00 until midnight. Sigh. I have been wondering if I should just leave it like that but that is not going to fly once school starts up again. Plus, it is surprisingly hard to get up and just start your work at 3:00 even though you're technically awake. If I could stay awake until 19:00, then go to bed and get 8 full hours sleep. I haven't been able to pull off the 8 hours asleep in one go, 16 hours awake without naps schedule for years now. Not sleeping early, not sleeping late, not sleeping during the day. Instead it's a few hours awake, a few hours asleep. It is seriously messing with my life. Especially if I have to be/work away from home. I am just too fucking tired to function.

I am not seeing a lot of people outside of Zoom classes since the pandemic started. Most of my social life died. Religious events, choir practice, sports... But I am not complaining. All things considered, the pandemic is the best thing that happened in years, because of how it got the JobCentre off my back, coupled with free classes via Zoom. Fingers crossed, it'll all lead to a better life at the end.

I am planning to take part in the LJ idol writing contest so hopefully I'll update this journal more. Though I cannot say how much time I will really be able to commit to it. I tried to take some religious classes (kollel) earlier this year and I only made it to a third of the classes or so. And I cannot even say it is due to me working so much for school. Rather it is due to my mental struggles. I make it to classes but then I also have to practice on my own, and it's just so much. I often manage the classes because I have an appointment with other people, but I procrastinate on the unscheduled work until it is too late. I have no idea how to get better at this. I feel like I tried everything. Every organisational self-management system. Something is wrong with me.

One thing I was repeatedly grateful for is the mild weather. I am still holed up at home a lot but every time I go outside I am glad there is no ice on the street. Hooray, global warming?

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

2021-06-16T09:51:08Z

I just discovered this interesting tidbit about a favourite quote of mine:

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is actually a misquotation. The original is found in William Congreve’s 1697 tragedy, The Mourning Bride, when the “beauteous” Zara, a captive queen, turns her anger on the man who has deceived and betrayed her. Vowing revenge, she warns him that “Heav’n has no rage, like love to hatred turn’d,/Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.”

Books

2020-04-22T08:18:43Z

Books

1. What was the last book you read completely?

Yoko Ogawa - The Memory Police
It was horribly depressing and much too close to home during a time like this. Despite her apparently being a really acclaimed author, I don't think I'll read any others.

2. How often do you read?

It is hard to say. I sometimes do not read for months but read a lot since I had to stay home so much during the nationwide lockdown.

3. What is your favourite genre to read?

I read a lot of chicklit even though it drives me up the wall with its stereotypes.

4. What is your favourite book of all time?

I do not have one. Or I hope I haven't found it yet so I can keep reading books discovering incredible treasures.

5. What is your least favourite book of all time?

Uh? One of the may I abandoned halfway through, I guess.

6. Who is your favourite author?

I'm gonna skip some questions I do not have answers to.

7. What author is overhyped?

8. Do you prefer audio, physical, or an e-reader?

I used to be very firmly Team Physical but have since come around. Audio books can be amazing if the voice actor is good. The first book of Crazy Rich Asians was great as an audio book! Go check it out. The audio version of the second book China Rich Girlfriend sucked. I wish I had read it instead so I would have kept hearing the voice actor of the first in my head. I did not bother with the third.

9. Hardback or paperback?

10. Bookmarks or dogears?

Whatever you do, do not dogear books! Not on my fucking watch!
Seriously, it makes me sad to see a book get damaged. Get one of those amazing bookmarks that clip to a page with magnets instead. Or those that mark your page while also holding the entire book together with a loop of elastic.

11. Where is your favourite place to read?

Under the gazebo in the garden of my villa overlooking the beach and the ocean. Yeah, that sounds about right.

11. Do you wish you were an author?

I did wish to become an author when I was a child. I have since encountered the horror of the empty white page and a blinking cursor, learned about the endless silent depth of the slush pile and am not that sure any more.

12. How do you arrange your books on your shelves?

In the local library and in boxes in the cellar. They probably got all wet during a flood a year back. I have to throw them out but could not bring myself to do that yet.
I adore pictures of bookshelves with books arranged by colour. I also saw one of a shelf going around the room just under the ceiling that looked beautiful and space saving.

13. What is the longest book you ever read?

14. How many books do you want to read in 2020?

I did not set a target. It is not something I am concerned with.

15. How many books have you read so far in 2020?

I don't know but my ebook reader says nine since the lookdowns began a month ago. I started but did not finish some more. And probably some physical ones which I can't count as easily. Sorry.

Here's a handy little box you can click inside, ctrl+a, then ctrl+c, if you want to fill it out yourself. Use the HTML editor on LJ or the Quick Update module at https://www.livejournal.com/portal/, click into the compose box, ctrl+v and fill it in.

Echo Chamber

2020-02-21T00:40:34Z

The stage explodes into a cacophony of sounds and bursts of light. The final notes echo as the audience cheers and screams for more. With the last bang Ash falls through a trapdoor in the floor and is gone. The crowd keeps asking for another encore while an assistant hands Ash a towel and drink. Only one brand is acceptable, with added cucumber and exactly 10 ml of lemon juice. "That was great!", Ash booms, as they walk towards the dressing room.

The make-up is being removed and the sweaty clothes are thrown on the floor from where another assistant dutifully picks them up to get them to the on-tour cleaners ASAP. They all wait as Ash showers and continue praising tonight's show. "You know, I had and idea just now", Ash says upon re-entering the room."I don't like the slowness of the dance steps during Someone Like You. It's the penultimate song, I should keep up the tempo. Accelerate, even. The show is heading towards its finale and it should pick up speed before ending with a bang! I want to change them." There is murmuring in the group. "Good idea", they all nod and "You are so right, why didn't we think of this earlier?" The assistant moves away from them in an attempt to get a quiter background for the call to the choreographer. The next show is in only two days. They have to start tonight if the want to create new steps and finish the rehearsals in time. Ash and the entourage step out onto the roof.

They tease each other until the heli approaches. Ash points out who'll ride along on the heli tonight and shouts "I'll see you at the hotel bar", to the rest. "At 11 sharp. Don't make me wait!", Ash laughs, climbs into the heli, and they take off. The sky is in beautiful shades of red and gold. That is the magic of summer. You complete a full show and when you step out it is still day. They fly towards the sea and then north along the coast. The hotel tower appears in the distance. "Look, dolphins!" Ash exclaims, and they stare down into the sea transfixed. Ash is the first to disembark after the heli touches down on the hotel roof. She walks towards the seaside of the roof and raises her hands to shield her eyes from the sun. "Can you see them? Over there!" she asks and the others nod. "I bet if I am fast enough I can reach them", Ash whispers as she starts running towards the edge and propels herself into the air.

Live a wild and daring life!

2020-02-10T23:39:28Z

I turn off the alarm beside my bed and stumble into the kitchen. I open the fridge, pick up the pack of cereal and a cup of yogurt. I open it and lick yogurt lid before I throw it in the trash and pour the cereal into the cup. Waste not want not.
After breakfast I go to the bathroom, get dressed and head to school. It is still cool outside but I know from experience that is going to change during the day.
I sit in class, and watch as the teacher wipes off the blackboard from the previous lesson's notes to make room for his own.
My mother sends me a scolding text because I left the toilet seat up this morning. Again.
I sit next to Mary during lunch break, as always. And as always she makes fun of the lunch I brought: a grain bowl with veggies and seeds. I make a funny face and cross my eyes before I get unwrap my fork and start to eat. She rolls her eyes at me and bites into her sandwich. After school we spend some time in the park but it has become bloody hot so we don't last long. I go home to do my homework and eat dinner with my family. It is still scorching hot outside when I have to go to bed so I close the windows and turn on the ceiling fan before I close the door to my room and flick off the light.

You'd think this was a very uneventful day, boring even. And you'd be kind of right. Depending on who you ask it was a very risky, dangerous day and I narrowly escaped death several times.

Licking the yogurt lid was dangerous because the hardened bits on it are poisonous.
If you leave the toilet lid up rats and alligators can climb into your bathroom.
You really should not put seeds in your food because the plants are going to grow inside of you.
Crossing your eyes? Outright foolish! Don't you know they'll get stuck like that one day if you do that too often!?
You can't sleep in an enclosed space with the fan running because you'll asphyxiate.

We are all reminded of the dangers in our lives every day when we are children and it is natural to just believe them. Our parents are grown-up and they know things, after all. They guide us. And so do our friends, later, when they become more influential than our parents. You can't second-guess every single one of your convictions in every day life because you'd never get anything done if you did. You need the mind space to concentrate on the new tasks that come at your from all directions so we default to the things we have always done. But every now and then something gives us pause and we think: Wait a minute, that can't be right? Surely they would not be allowed to affix poison to the inner side of a yogurt lid where it can so easily mix with the yogurt in the cup. And even if logic sort of debunks something instantly you might still have to search for a reputable source to back you up before you trust yourself or can convince the friend who had looked at you horrified as you licked the lid the other day.

So as much as I wanted to shake my head about the ridiculousness of someone else's belief, it also reminds me of all the myths I myself used to believe in. And all of those I probably still believe in to this day. Just because I take it as a given and never stopped to question it.

Did you ever find yourself debunking any of yours and found yourself wondering how you could have been so naïve?

Failure

2020-02-01T23:36:58Z

"Hey, over here!", my friend Laura smiles as I make my way towards her. I almost didn't see her in the hustle and bustle that is the community center's main hall. I havent seen her in over a year. I know this, because I am shocked by the little bundle she holds in front of her. I carefully give her a half-hug and then bend down a little. "Have you met Daniel yet?", she asks me. "No, it is the first time", I say, bending down, "Hello, little one! I have heard a lot about you. I waited for your arrival way before you were born!". I really hope I sound enthusiastic enough. Babies make me uncomfortable. I am always a bit unsure of myself when I am confronted with a baby. I don't know how to hold them, or what to say to them. Laura's husband shoves through the masses of people and I greet him, too. Before my eyes flash all the times I have seen them over the past years. Some stand out more than others.

FLASH

Laura and her boyfriend invited me to dinner. I haven't seen her for a couple of months and did not hear much from her either. It all seemed very mysterious, so I am excited about tonight's invitation. I arrive before them and wait in their staircase. We greet as they arrive and step out of the elevator. We head inside their apartment and as soon as she takes off her coat the secret is out. Her belly is obvious. "So this is the big secret!" she laughs and I congratulate her and we celebrate. At one point she says, more serious now: "We wanted to wait until we told everyone. With my history and all, you know..." I do know. I heard all about how her previous marriage collapsed after a miscarriage and the emotional turmoil it brought.

FLASH

Laura, even bigger than before. We arranged to meet for a cup of tea near her workplace. She tells me all about work madness over the past few months and how glad she is she can escape all of this soon. Apparently being pregnant and having to work is kinda tough. Especially since her mind is elsewhere. She tells me how panicked she became when she found a bit of blood after using the bathroom, and how worrisome the wait at the doctor's was. But all is well now.

FLASH

This is the tiniest grave I have ever seen. The congregation huddles together against the icy wind. It is quiet, sad, solemn. I hardly hear the rabbi's words, the cantor's song. I throw earth on the grave of this little human being I will never get to know. I am a little apprehensive as I approach the couple. I do not know how to console them.
"Thank you for coming. Thank you for being here" "Of course".

FLASH

I have never been in their bedroom before. Laura lies in bed and I bend down to greet her. The stuff she rubs onto her breast is supposed to help stop the milk that is not needed now. "I had to give birth to him!", she half sobs, half screams. "I had to give birth to him, and then I had to bury him." Her boyfriend looks just as pale as she does. "It's good, that you are here. Take her mind off it a little bit."

FLASH

I am a little bit insulted when I am not invited to their wedding a couple months after that. But I know it is mostly so they can get medical help. So they can try in vitro. The earth revolves around her cycle. She complains about the cost and how she sinks all her money into this. I tell her how much I would love to have a child myself and she nods. "Yes, it is hard". I do not say, "How dare you complain?! When you have a well-paying job, a doting husband, and a lovely home?! I have none of these things and I do not have a baby either." I am bitter, feel mean and bury my own pain inside.

FLASH

Laura tells me about the last couple of failed attempts and how they decided to go abroad to see some more specialists. Beach pictures. "It was a really nice honeymoon. We had an appointment at the clinic every other day or so", she flicks through the pictures, "and the rest of the time we hung out at the beach"

FLASH

Laura sitting next to me at dinner, very, very pregnant. "I am so lucky! Everything is going to be okay. Finally!" I congratulate her again when they say an early goodbye. Short and sweet, nothing more. I'd fail her as a friend if I was honest.

FLASH

I feel numb when I hear about the birth of a healthy baby boy a couple of months later. I do not call them or pay a visit. Written congratulations only. I don't think I could keep the jealousy out of my eyes. And I do not want to be like that. I want her to enjoy what she has instead of making it about what I don't. Even I can appreciate that this baby is a miracle.

Happy 2020!

2020-01-05T22:38:14Z

It is going to be a GOOD year. I can feel it. It has to be with a number like that.
I would like to get married on the 20th of February but that is not going to happen. Anyways, moving swiftly along... Good year. I read that despite the cliché New Year's resolutions actually do make sense ...if you follow a couple of simple rules.

Choose your most important goals!

You cannot overload your plate. Make a list of 20 goals. Now think about which of those are most important. And eliminate the bottom half. You now have 10 goals. Do it again. Think about which of these are most important and slash the bottom half. It is going to hurt. You are going to have to let things go that are really important to you. And the only way this makes sense is to remember that you can do anything but you can't do everything. You are letting go of these important goals to increase your chances of reaching your even more important goals.
What you deem important and most important is up to you. It does not matter what anybody else thinks. If you want to learn the harpsichord, knowing full well that you probably won't get really good and make a career out of that that is your prerogative.
It does not have to be exciting either. One of my goals is to try to fix the relationship with some estranged members of my family. And not let another member of my family get in the way of that. That is not an earth shattering goal and nothing to brag about, right? But it has been an aching point for years and it would greatly increase my quality of life for years to come if this wound could be healed, I hope.

Goals have to be reachable.

Of course I would love to become a superstar, get accepted into a top university on a full scholarship while holding down a management job, find the love of my life, and travel the world. But is that realistic? One of them maybe but not all of them. Even though you probably noticed that I deliberately kept the number low. If your goals require a lot of work you may have to go even lower than the handful of goals I just proposed and focus on a single one. Even then there are goals where you have to brace yourself for failure. If everyone was a superstar nobody would be after all. But even if you have less lofty goals you are probably best advised not to set the bar at a level that is just too high, unsafe, or unhealthy. No cutting your bodyweight in half before Easter, only sleeping four hours per night and rising at 3 or similar nonsense. Unless you are one of those few people who naturally only needs very little sleep but I guess you already know if that is the case and you don't have to make it a goal because you can't help waking up anyways. (I envy you.)

Decide which concrete steps you want to take! And how you define progress or success.

There is not much use in having a list of goals and good intentions just to bury it in a desk drawer. Maybe you'll make a big effort in the first month or so and go to the gym three times a week. Then life happens or you get sick and you stop going for a week. Then two. Or maybe you'll make the list, stare at it and never even look at it again. Then you look at it again next December to see how you did and realise that you still have the same goals. It would really be good to eat healthily and exercise, right?
So, set the bar low and keep your everyday life in mind when you do it. But do set a bar.

In my case, the mending family relationships example, I have made the resolution to try to reach out once a month. And not miss any more birthdays. Once a month does not seem to much, right? But I do have 9 half-siblings, 8 of which I currently have next to no contact with. I will try to call, email, or message every single one of them at least once a month. That might result in quite a bit of a time commitment (if someone wants to speak to me at length) and emotional turmoil (whether they want to speak to me or not).
My first steps are going to rebuild my address book. I currently only have two phone numbers, a couple of email addresses, and am Facebook friends with all but one. I used to have current phone numbers for everyone but they became inactive one after the other over the last couple of years.
I am also going to transfer all birthdays into my personal calendar, so I don't realise after the fact, as usual.

The next and most difficult step is going to keep calling even if I do not receive an answer. I know I won't always reach someone or I am going to have to explain why I did not call for so long. Maybe multiple times. I am going to be discouraged when that happens and feel like shit. Yes, they also did not call me but the currently I am painted as the bad guy and they are more of a unit (real siblings that grew up together) while I am a bit of an outsider. The difficulty will be to call again the next month.

Accountability

Writing it down is good because you can't weasel out of it later. You can make a contract with yourself and sign it. Or you can tell your best friend. Or the whole world. The point is that it is very obvious later what you had resolved to do and it is very clear whether you achieved your goal or not. So if you remember this post sometime during the year... do me a favour and ask me about it! "Hey estelle, did you try to reach your half-siblings this month?"

Stay humble!

You may try your best, give it all you got, and still fail. You probably noticed that my resolution is not to mend the relationship with my half-siblings. That is my goal. The resolution is merely to make an effort. Despite my attempts I am aware of the possibility that I might fail. That one or more simply do not want anything to do with me. That that ship has sailed and I am not on it. I am trying to mentally brace myself for that rejection. The critical phrase here is "trying to". I am not saying I am prepared and if it happens I may collapse into a puddle and need someone to pick me up.

What is your goal and what steps are you going to take in that direction every month or every week?

I could also show how I try to control my to do list and goals in everyday life if there is sufficient interest. But I don't want to bore anybody if there is not. Would you be interested in something like that?

blood harmony

2019-12-20T00:50:23Z

I always longed for family. You do not have to be a psychology major to understand it stems from not having had a stable fmily during childhood. Even when they were supposedly a couple my parents never lived together. We lived in a small town and my father lived in the university city where they had met. It made sense, of course. My father needed to live near the university, and my mother where the first job after university took her. And yet... did they really. My father wrote his PhD thesis and I know a lot of PhD students today that live in one city while the university and their professor is in another. They just write and once in a while travel to meet up with their professor. My mother could not find a single job that brought her back to university town? Especially after her first boss found out she was pregnant and f8red her as soon as possible?

When I was about three they split for good and I clung to all kinds of family. Imaginary sibling, famous family, boyfriend's family. And I was ecstatic when I found out I had indeed an older half-sister, as my mother suspected. I wanted us to be really close and so did she, but we were strangers after all. Over the years we have drifted in and out of each other's lives.

Right now we have a really good phase. She lives in the city part-time and on a former farm in the countryside. They had a big celebration in the summer and invited anyone and everyone. My sister's bandmates and queer friends, her partner's colleagues from the opera, and family. I was the only family on my sister's side while his , siblings, parents, and aunt and uncle traveled from the baltics for the occasion.

When I met them and explained who I was, they exclaimed: Oh so you are family then?!

It was a magical, freaky weekend. My sister and her boyfriend sang, my sister's band played and the local villagers played folk music. It was quite a clash. And everyone danced, even the 80 year old aunt and uncle! I want to be like that when I am old. As. The night drew to a close, more and more guests went to leave until finally it was just the me, my sister, two of her friends, her partner, and his relatives. They brought out the good liqueur, grabbed some of the instruments that were everywhere. So beautiful. I tried to capture it but a cheapo phone recording did not do the beauty of the garmonies any justice. And yet I could not join in. Everything I tried to improvise sounded wrong to my ears. I was unsuure whether my voice matched theirs and was all around self-conscious. As the night drew to a close, I gave up and go to bed.

The next day, just the families left now, we had breakfast and cleaned up the remains of the party while a villager brought a horse for the partner's sister to ride. The uncle and father tended to the trees and when I was behind the woodshed I heard him hum a familiar tune. I knew that one. And I knew the lyrics, too. I felt like I could finally contribute something. And so we sang together, him in the courtyard, me behind the shed until we met just as the song drew to a close. Magical movie moment. And they finally heard my voice. It takes courage and gives strengthat the same time, to have your voice be heard and be seen for who you are.