Ahh ha! esniff is kind of on hold for now but visit www.randomwire.com for the latest!

Sorry for the lack of updates recently - certain events and responsibilities have overtaken my journalistic eSniffing time of late. One event that has certainly been overlooked was the brief reappearance of Red Ted who by all accounts has gone a little mad:

Clcik here to take a look at some of the pictures we've been sent by a bounty-hunter sniff who has been trailing him for about two months now.

More soon when I have time!

Sniffy - His Life in Profile (Part 1)

Little is known about the Sniff who started it all – Sniffy himself. Today we bring you the beginning of a series of articles about His Royal Sniffness (HRS).

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Name: Sniffy
Handler: Sir Russell Sniffy
Age: 12 (Human years), 30 (Sniffy years)
Location: Norwich
Position: Head of the SHQ (Sniffy High Council)



When not presiding over the SHQ Sniffy enjoys playing the saxophone and piano (as pictured above). Playing human instruments is a very difficult skill for Sniffs as their paws are not usually big enough to reach all the controls. To counter this problem Sniffs often play in tandem, with one Sniff on the mouth piece and the other on the keys. Keeping in time with this sort of arrangement is very difficult and many a Sniff concert has gone horribly after a single mistake.



As pictured above (face blurred out for security reasons), Sir Russell Sniffy is Sniffy’s handler. He takes care of Sniffy in many respects as a – bodyguard, body-double (you can see the similarity I’m sure), chauffeur and most importantly as a trusted advisor. Those also pictured above are Dogbert (the big white thing), Father Ted (left of Sniffy), Dog (right of Sniffy) and the venerable Old Bear (his real name is French, but I can’t remember how to spell it!).

Although not a kind or an elected representative, Sniffy is admired and respected all over the Sniffy world. He rules with a firm but fair hand and has done an amazing job of preventing civil war in the Sniffy world over the decades. In the next article on Sniffy we will examine his political career and find out what started the Sniffy revolution.

Updates Lacking

Sorry for the lack of updates recently reasons for this are two-fold:

1) I?ve been very busy with exams and trying to find a job etc.
2) News of the Sniff front has been pretty stale since the end of the war.

Rest assured though there's some pretty special stuff on the horizon.

The rumor mill has been working overtime of late and whispers of Red Ted's whereabouts have become more vocal over the last few weeks. Some say he's still in the south of France whilst others theorize that he may be on the Isle of Mull (somewhere of the Scottish coast), stranger yet some even believe him to be heading up the new ISSP (International Sniff Space Program). Whatever the truth our roving reporters are sure to track him down eventually. In the mean time please email sightings to the usual address.

Peace agreement finally signed

The war against the hamsters is finally over. Sir Russell Sniffy forged a peace agreement with the hamsters at the end of last week in Paris. The agreement concedes to some of the hamsters conditions for free trade but does not make them full members of the Single European Sniff.

Arnold has now been able to come out of hiding and has returned home to Norwich for council with Sniffy who is said to be furious over the whole situation. It is likely that Arnold will be down-sniffed for a short period of time during which he will be closely monitored.

In other news...

After reportedly surfacing as a resistance leader in the war, Red Ted has again disappeared. One report claimed that he was in Chamonix, preparing to make an attempt on Mont Blanc. No sniff has ever climbed to the top of this part of the French Alps - between 40 and 60 Sniffs die every year trying to ascend the perilous snow covered peak, and so if he succeeded it would be quite a feat.

Heat Wave

Following last weeks torrential rain (see May 25th post) it is now baking hot! One moment it’s tipping it down, the next moment you have to open all your windows. England may have a rather temperamental climate, but isn’t this a stark indicator of the dreaded global warming? Maybe, but then again maybe not.

In other news…

Sniffy leaders will be convening at Camp Avenues later next week to discuss the state of national security in relation to the continued threat of hamster dissidents within the UK. Following Sir Russell Sniffy’s successful diplomatic visit last week it is hoped that the situation with the hamsters can be resolved shortly.

Sir Russell Sniffy Embarks on Diplomatic Mission to France

Last Tuesday it was confirmed by the Sniffy High Council that Sir Russell Sniffy, handler of The One-and-only, had left for France to conduct peace talks with the Hamsters. He took with him only a few select advisers (although Arnold was left out after his disgrace) and was said to be saying somewhere near the boarder with Italy (in case he needs to make a quick escape over the Alps). An interesting aside which may be inferred from this visit may be to contact Red Ted who is allegedly running a resistance group somewhere in that region.

If a peace settlement is to be reached with the hamsters then some serious haggling is likely to be needed to ensure that native Sniffs are not forced to move or be repatriated, a condition which the hamsters are unlikely to accept so easily.

We’ll bring you more when Sir Russell arrives back in Norwich this Saturday.

Noah’s Ark (v2)

Today it rained. Then it rained a bit more. Then it rained a lot more...

Sniff’s everywhere in Durham today were forced to stay indoor as torrential rain hit the city. Sniff’s are very vulnerable to such downpours as being so small they can be washed off their paws very easily and get swept down drains etc. Last year 23 Sniffs were killed in such incidents, but luckily today there were no fatalities.

As the gutters turned to rivers, all that could be heard was the droplets of rain ricocheting of windows. Peering out a window in his safe house Arnold thought he saw a legion of brown bears (the sworn enemy of the SHQ and allies to the Hamsters) crawling out a grating at the side of the road. Trying to keep calm, he alerted his security Sniffs who surrounded him, armed with automatic machine guns. Everyone was expecting brown bears to burst into the room at any second and tensions were running high. The attack never came though and the guards were stood down. Intelligence suggests that the brown bears presence was probably just a coincidence and that they were probably on some recognisance mission. SAS Sniffs have been dispatched to the area to investigate.

Reloaded Review!

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Four years ago one film came from nowhere, directed by brothers few had ever heard of before, and became arguably one of the most successful and popular films of the last Millennium. Its slick combination of mind-bending philosophy, intense kung-fu style action and bleeding edge visual effects made The Matrix an awe-inspiring film to behold and elevated it amongst the likes of Star Wars and other such films with cult fan bases. Living up to such a standard looked set to be a hard task for the Wachowkis, but sitting here after just having basked in their efforts I'm pleased to say that not only have they managed this but have also surpassed it on many levels! This is simply a visual masterpiece…
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Click here to read the rest of my review which is shortly to be published is a well respected (kind of) journal (of sorts).

Service Announcement

After many weeks of dodgy service the server here at Durham University (Computing Society) which hosts the pictures has finally died and it looks pretty terminal. Luckily it has been resurrected on a temporary machine before the brand new one is built so all should be well with the images etc.

In other (brief) news…

Arnold is still in hiding, but is said to be comfortable in his hide-out somewhere on the East coast of our shores.

Red Ted has been spotted somewhere in Southern France and is reportedly now the head of a resistance group against the hamsters which have control of that area.

Sniffy is hosting talks with the Hamsters this week in Luxemburg in a last-ditch attempt to solve the conflict.

Plus --Standby for a full review of the Matrix Reloaded on Friday!--

Message to Norwich from Arnolds Handler

Ok, now that really wasn’t fair taunting me like that about that car, I might just have to come home this weekend to take it for a spin (quite literally)!

Arnold is currently absent from his duties as he has had to go into hiding for a short time, while the war against the hamsters dies down. A Hamwar (like a Fatwar only it comes from Hamsters!) was issued against him on Friday so as his advisors I recommended he take this course of action.

Luckily I have managed to gain tickets to see an advanced preview of the Matrix reloaded on Thursday so I should be able to bring you a full review next weekend, time permitting. Thanks for sending me the article, but where was Sniffy’s war memorandum with the draft peace agreement???

Sniffy High Council Communiqué Intercepted by Security Services
…and this time were not joking!

An important document pertaining to the war against the hamsters was intercepted by the UK security services (MI5/MI6) it has been confirmed this week. The letter sent from Sir Russell Sniffy to Arnold bearing the emblem of the SHQ which was ‘identified’ by the Royal Mail as suspicious and so passed onto the elusive “security services”. After examining the contents it was first thought that the references to the war against the hamsters was some sort of Al Quieda code but after visiting eSniff (at least we’d like to think they did!) the security threat was de-prioritised and America moved down to Defcon 3 (although this was possibly coincidental as well!).

When Arnold’s handler finally received the Communiqué in a sealed plastic bad it was obvious that the contents had been tampered with. The envelope had been slit open with a knife and then resealed with staples! Royal Mail have personally apologised to the parties involved for the invasion of privacy but stressed that national security was still a high priority and that such practices were common.

Panic Spreads!

These are alarming times for sure in the Sniffy world. Yesterday evening saw the formation of hundreds of Sniff Vigil-anti groups across the country, bringing with them their own brand of law and order.



So far the British defences seem to have held, but as Sniffy reported yesterday pockets of hamster infantry are striking hard on the front lines. This morning also saw the United Squirrel Federation join in the fight with specially trained explosives squirrels attacking many outposts with TNT charges.



There is however hope on the horizon with Arnold calling for a cease fire and for talks to begin. Many wonder though if he is the right sniff for the job? The hamster president called for his head to be displayed on a spike in the centre of Paris, we think this is going a little to far!



More as it happens…

STOP PRESS--- War Declared on Sniffs Worldwide ---STOP PRESS

In an unprecedented move the Hamsters (including many related species) have declared war on Sniff’s worldwide. This move appears to have been triggered off by Arnold’s outburst regarding the state of the Hamster economy. At 0100 hours GMT last night German weasels advanced on Calais, taking the port by force.



They were backed up by a deadly force of weasel tanks which shelled the town all night with a force not seen since the Sniff Rebellion of 1844.



There has been unrest in the Hamster community for some time now, with civil unrest and sporadic riots breaking out frequently. Many have objected to being forced to live in tiny cages and spend their days running round in wheels. Suicide rates sky rocketed over the last decade and so perhaps it isn’t so surprising that we’ve seen them take this move, whether lawful or not.



The Sniffy High Council in Britain has responded by closing all boarders and increasing defences around the coast. Some hamsters have already tried to break though, but have so far been unsuccessful. This picture below take a 8:30am this morning shows one desperate hamster trying to swing across the boarder on the branch of a tree, he was shot and wounded in mid flight, hastening his decent and is not in a POW medical camp being treated.



More as it happens, only on eSniff.

Unfortunately Arnold has been very busy of late with revision hence the lack of updates. Added to this the server which hosts all the images is down yet again so you’ll just have to put up with my literary excellence for the time being!

An interesting story which emerged late last week revealed that Arnold, who is now a member of the Sniffy High Council enraged the Hamster community by denying their application to the ‘Single European Sniff’ which aims to unite Sniffs in Europe due to their “economic stability being unsound at best”. His words couldn’t have come at a worse time as many fear that the SES is close to collapsing. Protestors, angered by his outburst were today campaigning outside his home in Durham:



Arnold was nowhere to be seen around his residence and a source close to him told us he was staying with friends nearby.

More soon…

Dear Mum-Sniff,

Thank you for the parcel which I received today, although I was rather surprised by the contents - the calculator is my old one which has been long superseded, the rail-pass was the out-of-date one, I'm not sure that gloves are going to come in handy at this time of year and likewise with the waterproof over-trousers! On the bright side at least it wasn't a huge mint aero!

This said, Arnold will be indeed pleased to answer any queries you may have about sniff etiquette or anything else for that matter - a free mint aero (not necessarily in mint condition though) to the person with the best question.

Although it has only been two days since he arrived, Arnold has settled in well to his new position of the Sniffy High Council in Durham. He will be in attendance at formal hall on Thursday where he will give his speech regarding Sniffonomics and the state of welfare in general Sniffdom.

Elmo made an honorary Sniffy



He's red, fuzzy and hasn't aged a bit since his birth (16 years ago) as a 2 1/2 yr old. Today Elmo was made an honorary Sniffy by Arnold as one his first official duties. On hearing that this title would be bestowed upon him, Elmo was said to be shocked but very pleased.



The picture above was taken at the award ceremony which was, to say the least, one of the most manic spectacles I have ever seen - around 400 Sniffs turned up for the event which took place in New York County, USA with friends of Elmo's like Bert and Ernie (pictured below) also in attendance.



This is only the third time a non-sniff bear has been given such a title, with Paddington and Pooh Bear being the others.

'Sniffy' enters popular culture

From children's books to interior design the word 'Sniffy' has become synominous with much in 21st century culture. Some have taken this to extremes with one woman even naming her baby 'Russell Sniffy' and the family dog 'Red Rover'. You may be thinking I've taken this one step to far, but just check out the links below for corroboration (of a slightly tenuous nature)!

"Sniffy & Fluffy Have An Adventure" - A children's book by Aimée Bruneau

"Doctors sniffy about DIY dementia test" - BBC News

"Sniffy the Virtual Rat" - Wadsworth Publishing

"Sniffy Linings" - Design Studio (Portland, USA)

"The SSSCS Museum" - This ones just wierd, scratch and sniff away!

There's even a Sniffy Tamagotchi coming out next month in Japan which teaches children (and adults alike) the native Sniff dialect - truly a reflection of the way society has embraced Sniff culture in all its diversity (:-).

Unfortunately all of the above have infringed my copyright on the Sniffy franchise as-is and my lawyers and I are currently perusing the said violators who will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.