Unleashed Dragon

[Translations] Aozora Train by SiSH

eshtar — Sun, 25 Jan 2015 23:35:10 GMT

Artist : SiSH (She is So High)
Lyrics: SATSUKI-UPDATE
Composer: U-JI

Translations

a little bit more, a little bit more
with sincere words and a little courage
at last to the blue sky we want to go to
our blue sky
quietly, I extend my hand

the sight of you,
fading in the the central line of love

My cheeks
trembling, is my heart turning transparent?

I wonder in what color of the sky
did the great people we admired throw away their weakness?

hey, all the way, firmly like this
though I want to hug you but instead I pile up excuses
"please smile" with the harsh voice
since I can't say it,
at the very least let's be together until the next station

from the window,
the wind fluttered about the train car
Chick Tuck Train

The brown colored seat emphasized
the distance between you and me

the dream I have given up that will never come true,
was it looking at the sky at the deepest part of my heart?

Hey, a little bit more, a little tighter
with a firmer words and a little bit of courage
at last to the blue sky we want to go to
to the sky that seemed to melt
quietly, I extend my hand

Somebody said
within the things that we can do
the most important thing is
to convey

hey, a little bit more, a little bit more
with sincere words and a little bit of courage
at last, to wherever we want to go

... reaching until the blue sky

Hey a little bit more, a little bit more
pressing together this open hand and courage
at last, to the blue sky we want to go
to the sky of you and I, firmly
we hold hands

Kanji/Romaji

もうちょっと　もうちょっと
本当の言葉と少しの勇気で
されって行きたいな青空へ
キミとボクの空へ
そっとね　手を伸ばして

Mou chotto Mou chotto
hontou no kotoba to sukoshi no yuuki de
sarette ikitaina aozora he
kimi to boku no sora he
sotto ne te o nobashite

キミの姿
堕ちる恋の中央線

kimi no sugata
ochiru koi no chuuousen

ボクの頬は
揺らぐ心透けている？

boku no hoho wa
yuragu kokoro suketeiru?

憧れていた世界のすごい人たちは
何色の空に弱さ捨てたんだろう

akogareteita sekai no sugoi hitotachi wa
nani iro no sora ni yowasa sutetandarou

ほら　もうずっと　そうギュっと
抱きしめたいけど言い訳を集めて
「笑って、意地悪なその声で」
言えないからせめて
一緒に次の駅まで

hora　mou zutto sou gyutto
dakishimetai kedo iiwake o atsumete
"Waratte, ijiwaruna sono koe de"
ienai kara semete
issho ni tsugi no eki made

窓から風そよぐ車内
Chick Tuck トレイン

mado kara kaze soyogu shanai
Chick Tuck Train

キミとボクの距離
示す茶色のシート

kimi to boku no kyori
shimesu chairo no shiito

あきらめていた叶うはずのない夢は
心の真下で空を見上げてたの？

akirameteita kanau hazu no nai yume wa
kokoro no mashita de sora wo miagetetano?

ほら　もうちっと　もうちょっと
確かな言葉と少しの勇気で
さらって行きたいな青空へ
溶けちゃうような空へ
そっとね　手を伸ばして

Hora mou chotto mou gyutto
tashikana kotoba to sukoshi no yuuki de
saratte ikitaina aozora he
tokechauyouna sora he
sotto ne te wo nobashite

誰かが言ってた
ボクらにできることで
一番大事なことは
伝えること

dareka ga itteta
bokura ni dekiru koto de
ichiban daijina koto wa
tsutaeru koto

ほら　もうちょっと　もうちょっと
ホントの言葉と少しの勇気で
さらって行きたいなどこまでも

hora mou chotto mou chotto
honto no kotoba to sukoshi no yuuki de
saratte ikitaina doko made mo

。。。青空までとどけ

… aozora made todoke

ほら　もうちょっと　もうちょっと
開いたこの手と勇気を絞って
さらって行きたいな青空へ
キミとボクの空へギュっとね
手を繋いで

hora mou chotto mou chotto
hiraita kono te wo yuuki wo shibotte
saratte ikitaina aozora he
kimi to boku no sora he
gyutto ne te wo tsunaide

On Charlie Hebdo

eshtar — Thu, 15 Jan 2015 04:56:02 GMT

As a Muslim, this is what I should say about Charlie Hebdo. I am copying this from my facebook statuses (adding and eliminating some parts).

First of all, deepest condolences to all victims and I condemn the murder. It isn't how our Prophet teaches us. Islam is beautiful, and murder is not a part of it. The terror that enveloped Europe is really really regrettable and I wholly against the whole aggression. No one. NO ONE deserves to feel terror. It is human right that every human feels peace. Those terrorist are misled young men calling themselves muslims. do NOT associate them with Islam, please.

Second, I am NOT against freedom of speech. You may express your opinions on my religion and on us Muslims. Be it satire, be it critics, our Prophet also said we should accept someone's opinions and don't see them based on their race/religion/social standing.

Third, I am AGAINST the drawing of our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).

It is my wish that the world will understand how much of a violation the drawing is. Murder is not right, it never will be. But this drawing isnt right as well, it isnt a mere drawing. I understand most non-muslims doesnt understand the value of that drawing thus they just say "y u so mad? Just a drawing. We even draw Pope and Jesus" but no, we will even condemn fellow muslims if they draw Prophet Mohammad for good messages for example, it should not exist. Even just thinking of it made me cry and I know some are shaking when they saw the drawing on the net and instantly scroll down so that they wont have to see it. We are disturbed, distraught, uncomfortable, and sad. Just looking at it made us felt so full of sin, disturbed, and nauseous, I am sure many just doesnt want to even glance at it for a look. Curiosity to see it doesnt even exist. It doesnt matter what the satire contain, the drawing of the Prophet shall not exist. If Charlie released another, imagine just how much pain we will be in, especially most of us wants to stand for freedom of speech as well, and also condemning the murder, but we cannot, should not, want not to be on the support for the release of that drawing (however the world will view us as supporting extremist and not grieving for the murders while they are actually mutually exclusive thing). This is a violation to our rights to be free of discomfort.

Please, we beg for equality to be understood. Look how many other satire mocking us Muslims and we dont careless, but draw our Prophet and you have a big red line, it isnt humour anynore, not anymore. Please.

They are not only attacking the extremist, they attack the whole muslim society. If we stand with Charlie on what they currently do, we have violated our own religion. We cannot agree to this and it is disturbing how many people oppressed us by saying 'how would you say you are with peace if you wouldn't stand with us?" I thought understanding work both way, this is an oppression, forcing one side to adhere to the value of others while asking them to symbolically shamed their own fundamental value in the process. It isnt that we are against the freedom of speech, we ourselves are expressing that we disagree and disturbed for that particular work. So far our opinions has been swatted aside and instead it seems as if every muslim who do not say Je Suis Charlie are positive to the whole murder, terrorism, and against freedom of speech while it isn't the case at all.

Can't they understand that there is something horribly, horribly, horribly wrong if they get this much reaction even from the most peaceful of us? Please understand, please respect our value.

I am all for freedom of speech, however equal footing should exist for both sides and what we see is how one side has tried all we can to express that no, the line has been crossed, please understand the difference of values we uphold, but have received nothing in our plea (even though we show clearly that we are greatly disturbed by what happen) while one side keep on oppressing.

This is discrimination and truth is, just being allowed to say, "we disagree" is not enough because the existence of that drawing, as long as it exist and deemed as 'acceptable' and supported by the whole society itself, is a severe violation of our rights. We are disturbed, we are uncomfortable with this. This may lead to unrest and in itself is already a beacon of instability. I believe government supposed to prevent such thing and mediate this so as to protect each sides' rights?
Do we have no right to be protected from discomfort and feeling disturbed?

Freedom of speech is supposed to be equal for everyone. But it isnt now. If it means verbal oppression and aggression I can never agree to this act.

Please do understand. Please.

If you can censor words like the N-words and other racists words under the reason of making other people feel marginalized and uncomfortable, why can’t that same principle worked for the drawing of Prophet Muhammad for us, Muslims?

We do not say you cannot express opinion on us, on Islam, we ask you to not draw our Prophet. You can still say your opinion without using the N-words and other offensive words, for example, and it is the same, you can express your opinion on Islam without using an image you call our Prophet.

Just because you think "it is just a drawing", it may not mean the same for us Muslims.

Please do understand and please, stop the double standard.

-------------------------------------
I should also add that I have given up hope that the west will ever understand. The amount of reactions were discouraging and I have given up hope that respect and equality will ever be born. Truth is, I have never felt this oppressed in my whole lifetime before.

[Original Story] [One Shot] If I fall behind, keep going

eshtar — Thu, 27 Nov 2014 13:28:00 GMT

Writeworld Sentence Block: *If I fall behind, keep going*
Original Story - One Shot
Prompt from: http://writeworld.org/

Just a ten minute or so muse after I saw a sentence block in writeworld. Prompts are evil, they distract you from your work because their words are just enticing.

There were only the sound of footsteps and occasional whisper of the wind. The ground scorched and smoking, a pair of leather boots stepping on dirt and stones and bones. Bones and sand and dirt and stones. Dull scenery was the only thing can be seen on the ground. Angry amber particles lit up the sky, shards of the fallen starships still floating on the atmosphere like the stars they so chased in the past. They were mere rubbish now, nothing more than a sad fragment of the grandeur of power that consumed the world. War soon doomed them the end of everything.

It was ironic how the wisp of the world's shield kept the starships floated up above. It was ironic how the very world they destroyed refused to let their fragment down to the ground they scorched.

'Don't touch me,' the world say. If only the world say that sooner, it wouldn't have to end like this.

Shouldering an unloaded sniper gun on her shoulder, a mercenary in her mid-twenty walked in slow steps across the barren battlefield. Army cap rested on her head, the brim cast shadow that hide her eyes from the dim light of the above. One would't know she was female if only her figure didn't show it as her hair was shaved clean, battle scars coloring her skull and face. It was clear there were more wounds than what meets the eye as her steps slowed, her strength weakening.

Behind her was a timid looking little girl, her black cape long and ragged, its end brushing the dirt as she made her way following the mercenary. Her tiny hands pulled her cape close to her body to hide the simple white dress she wore. The white stood out. Light stood out like sore thumb in darkness.

She ran closer to the mercenary, bare feet stepping on bones that cracked. She grimaced. Bones were none of her concern though, bones were like accessory that latched to every corner of the world ever since the War happen. The heat of the ground, however, was rather unpleasant on her bare feet. Despite having walking barefooted all her life, she could never get used to how the world showed its anger in the form of heat. It felt like stepping on fury. It felt like the world is telling her its pain.

Having to walk on anger all your life had never been a pleasant story to tell anyone.

She fell into steps with the mercenary, still silent in their walk. They got out of everything not without scar. The mercenary harbor her own scars and wounds and so did the little girl. They took the full brunt of the world's anger to their face and it was enough to break and bend just about anyone. The girl, with her long history of hearing the whisper of the world's fury. The mercenary, with her burn and open wounds, with the story of thousands of men that died for a desire not of their own. They were not the most common duo found in the whole universe but they had their share of past. They had their share of reasons on why they stick together.

The wind got stronger and whispers began to rise. Echoes started to come out in the form of murmurs but then it got louder, clearer: it turned into a barrage of screams.

The world screamed. The ground started to shake. The sound of bones hitting clacked as if joining the dirge the Echoes started.

The world now was molten fury and drowning screams and it didn't seem it would be appeased soon.

The duo walked unaffected. Not quite unaffected as they hoped, since slowly they hastened their steps. The screams got louder. Echoes would soon find them. The screams would soon be directed at them. The fury would soon try to consume them.

Greed and gluttony were what driven the war and it was exactly what the world replied human with.

The second layer of Echoes began. The little girl could almost feel how whispers touched her as they brushed past. They too, she knew, would turn into screams. Her feet felt it, the ground was crying.

I am sorry.

She walked the path of human's remorse and regret. She had to bring human's apology etched in her very soul to tell the world that yes, they regret everything, yes, they were sorry, yes, they asked for forgiveness. So please stop crying. Stop screaming. Stop being the human you despise.

I hear you, I am sorry.

"If I fall behind, keep going."

The mercenary rarely talked. When she did, usually everything was wrong. There might not be a single right thing in the world but there are things even more wrong than the already wrong.

Holding her sob, the girl kept her walk. One step at a time, one step at a time, one step at a time, take a deep breath and walk one step at a time, one step at a time. It was almost like a mantra, an incantation, a silent wish that the whispers would just brush past her.

Her.

Alone.

Because she knew the one that hushed the world's scream to whisper just now was the mercenary.

Dragging her barefoot over the barren land, the little girl continued her painful walk, away from human bones clad in mercenary suit, with an unloaded sniper gun strapped by the shoulder, an army cap resting on white exposed skull.
END-------------------------------------------

Final Assignment Stress

eshtar — Mon, 24 Nov 2014 11:56:27 GMT

*sigh*
Revisions to do, things to tidy up in my graduation journal and graduation seminar writings, stuff like that.

Seriously at times I wonder why the heck am I in this division again... but then I remember I said, "because it is the most difficult and comprehensive, it will be better if I chose this division for my final assignment!" Damn the younger me, seriously, because now I am stuck in this really hard topic and I have no idea about the real diagnosis and what should I write. Why was I so naive. Why was I so passionate. And now... Now I don't know what I am gonna do with this, like HELP.

Thankfully, my professor said, "just write that fungi and put the other one you suspected in the differential diagnosis because you have no other choice" and I was like yeaaaaaaaaaaay biggest problem solved, but now revision is on the way so yah.

Dad is getting better. Still have times when his heart hurts but thankfully he took no major damage in his heart. :)) And he is back being the fun, at times overly energetic Dad (he shouldn't be too energetic though...) so yeaaay

Btw Suikoden IV is fun. :3 Going around the world map with your Stronghold is the best thing ever because yaaaay unlimited Rune Spamming.

Help me get away from my self

eshtar — Sun, 09 Nov 2014 11:16:02 GMT

I am way too preoccupied to write my final assignment. I feel so restless but I cannot find myself focusing.

So here is what happened lately.

My Dad was admitted to the hospital for a heart attack and the whole family now in a rush of this. I am included. I don't know. I want to write but I feel guilty and I can't find anything else to do and I just fidget my way out of reality and let time slip by without me doing anything. I feel SO unproductive but I don't know if I can keep my sanity with me.

Help, I need to finish my final assignment to get it as a draft to my supervisor like TOMORROW and I haven't written shit.

Dammit.

Finally You Ended

eshtar — Fri, 07 Nov 2014 05:15:36 GMT

I have always been saying I don't like Naruto that much, I even if I loved, loved deeply, NejiTen and Tenten and Neji <<< lol

I stayed in the fact that I don't think Naruto is THAT good of a series, and one might follow and just fall out of the fandom so quick they don't even care anymore. However, it does create community that actually SUPPORT the main story, a community that helps engaging the reader when the comic itself seem to not have enough power to do it. Fanfics and fanarts, fan works that open up for a field fo discussion and creation, that is the heart of Naruto fandom. The fandom helps fan fall in love with the characters, even if perhaps they have no love for the plot (lol) or perhaps even if the story itself doesn't love the character (lol)

Story wise, it can become redundant, dull, and lack of character development. Too many characters left unelaborated and plot stories forgotten after an apparent foreshadowing. He left a world with a big hole of questions, but then ended it anyway in a rush. Well, given the limited time he has and perhaps other issues we don't know, it is unsurprising. However, compared with many other manga and works, this giant of a series falls pale in comparison in quality and planning. This is spoken from someone who have left the fandom and see it from third eye point of view before finally plunging in again for the sake of nostalgia and a character.

But the community stands. Whether in rage and anger and disappointment or in pure joy and satisfaction, the community stands. The community stands and loves the series. That is the real power of Naruto series, despite all the flaws it has.

Otsukaresamadeshita, Kishimoto, and also the band of community that keep the fans together. Naruto may not have the best story, but it does have one of the most fervent and productive fan community.

I sure do hope Kishimoto ends it as it is and doesn't drag this any longer. A good story is a story that ends, after all.

Ironically Similar

eshtar — Sun, 02 Nov 2014 03:33:35 GMT

So lately my mother has been saying the same words to me over and over again: “I am sorry.” I went to Japan for a year as an exchange student and all my mother said to me when I was there was, “I am sorry” for not being able to give me “the best” (because the living cost in Japan is really high) and when I finally went back to my home country, my older sister had just given birth to her first baby boy, less than a month old when I arrived. My mother again, said, “I am sorry” for she is now preoccupied with her new grandson. I haven't even had time to tell her what happened in Japan, what I did in Japan etc. We just didn't have the time. I also didn't have my own room because it was used for the baby, most of the time I slept by the sofa as I typed my final assignment. Every time my mother passed the living room, there will be another “Sorry”. A month passed, and she went to my sis's place to take care of the newborn (because my sis needs the help and the husband is working), and again the only thing Mom said to me when she phoned me or briefly went home to take some stuff was, “I am sorry.”

No. No, Mother, I am sorry.

… but then if I say sorry, will Mother feel better? All these sorry render me exhausted. I think, on the contrary, we need more “Thank you” than a sorry. Because there is only “giving” in “thank you”, while a “sorry” needs a “return” and I don't think I want to ask anything else from a mother that has given me so much...

There really is nothing more painful than hearing your mother saying sorry to you for being who she is and what she is capable of. At least that makes me want to say sorry for being who I am and what I am capable of, if only I can give more to my mother so that she doesn't need to feel that way.

Every mother is a hero. Our very existence is the testament of it.

ひまわりの約束 (The Sunflower's Promise) - Motohiro Hata (Doraemon Movie: Stand by Me OST) Translation

eshtar — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 23:12:19 GMT

My translations of Himawari no Yakusoku from Motohiro Hata (Doraemon Movie: Stand By Me OST) because the one I have seen on the net are quite different with what I understand myself.

Title: ひまわりの約束 (The Sunflower Promise)
Singer: 秦基博 / Hata Motohiro

Explanation: Doraemon Movie: Stand By Me
translated by me, because I found the translations circulating on the net unsatisfactory. also, do express if you find MY translations unsatisfactory :)

どうして君が泣くの　まだ僕も泣いていないのに
自分より悲しむから　辛いのかどっちかわからなくなるよ
why are you crying? while I haven’t even cried yet
Since you grieved more than me, I become confused on who’s the one hurting

ガラクタだったはずの今日が　二人なら宝物になる　
Today that’s supposed to be rubbish, if it is the two of us, it will turn to a treasure

傍にいたいよ　君のためにできることが　僕にあるかな
いつも君に　ずっと君に　笑っていて欲しくて
I want to be beside you
I wonder if it exists in me, something that I can do for you
I want you to remain smiling always, all the while

ひまわりのような真っ直ぐなその優しさを　ぬくもりを全部
The straightforward kindness that’s like a sunflower, the warmth, and everything

これからは僕も届けていきたい
ココにある幸せに気づいたから
From now on, I want to deliver them too
Since I have realized the happiness that exists here

遠くで灯る未来　もしも僕らが離れても
それぞれ歩いてゆく　その先にまた出会えると信じて
The future that lit up in the distance
If even if for instance we got separated
Walking on our own path, I believe that beyond it we will be able to meet again

チグハグだったはずの歩幅　一つのように今重なる
the supposedly mismatched footsteps, right now overlapped like one

そばにいること　何気ないこの瞬間も　忘れはしないよ
旅立ちの日　手を振るとき　笑顔でいられるように
the fact that you’re beside me, and also this casual moment, I won’t forget them
at the day of the departure, when we waved our hands, I prayed that you will remain smiling

ひまわりのような真っ直ぐなその優しさを　ぬくもりを全部
The straightforward kindness that is like a sunflower, the warmth, and everything

返したいけれど君のことだから
もう十分だよってきっと言うかな
I want to return them all
however since it is you, I guess you will definitely say, “It’s already enough”

ひまわりのような真っ直ぐなその優しさを　ぬくもりを全部
The straightforward kindness that is like a sunflower, the warmth, and everything

これからは僕も届けていきたい
本当の幸せの意味を見つけたから
From now on, I want to deliver them to you too
because I have found the meaning of true happiness

GooseHouse - Kono Yubi Tomare (Translations)

eshtar — Sun, 26 Oct 2014 16:48:33 GMT

Yeah, because I cannot find this one on the net as well
You can find the song here.

GooseHouse - Kono Yubi Tomare (stop this one finger)

Do you remember? This burning passion
supporting each other, we'll be able to help each other
without hesitating, let's stop this one finger

The perfectly clear sky,
That time when we recklessly running,
believing in the future
We advance with all our might but when we come to
it turns out we're just struggling inside the darkness

Since we're young, we get only words like "it can't be helped"
words that won't comfort us at all
Shouldering the scars, we mature into adults

Can you hear it? the voice that's calling you
The dream and hope that we've lost are here
Do you remember? of the burning passion
Supporting each other, we can help each other
Without hesitating, let's stop this one finger

That time when we deceived the fear of losing a friend
by merely saying, "so that's how it is"
I've forgotten
the importance of trully colliding with each other

Do you believe in me? Do not avert your eyes
The love and bond we lost are here
Do you know it? At the time when you first begin walking
You're not alone, we're here
Without hesitating, let's stop this one finger

Yes! During sad times, let's cry together
Yes! During joyful times, let's laugh together
Yes! During hard times, let's talk about it
Yes! Irreplaceable friends...
Let's go together

Can you hear it? the voice that's calling you
The dream and hope that we've lost are here
Do you remember? of the burning passion
Supporting each other, we can help each other
Without hesitating...

Do you believe in me? Do not avert your eyes
The love and bond we lost are here
Do you know it? You've just begun walking
You're not alone, we're here
without hesitating, let's stop this one finger

You are now able to walk alone
If you go alone, you can go even further, right?
If you look back, we're always here
That time, with your own words,
let's stop this one finger

GooseHouse - Sky (translations)

eshtar — Sun, 26 Oct 2014 16:16:27 GMT

Because I cannot find the translations on the net, I made it myself

You can hear the song here

GooseHouse - Sky

With just one handful of sky,

my dream is just hanging without even flying

If it is two handful of sky,

it seems to be able to fly better than before

Gathering the sky that each of us carries

Because there is this sky, I won't lose my way

Even if tomorrow we will be scattered apart,

if there is the sky that you've given to me,

I won't feel lonely

even if we got separated, even if we got separated

The sky will connect us

Even if we're unable to see each other,

we're here

One day, the stars seems like they disappear along

with you, who leave a little earlier than me

The one thing that I, who turned to look back, is holding on to

is that priceless melody overflowing from you

Please don't change

Even if we wish, time will continue to pass

When my heart is in pain I will, again, look up at the sky

No matter where you go, no matter where you go,

the sky will connect us

I won't say "Goodbye" because I am here

If perchance we will get scattered from tomorrow on

If there is the sky you gave to me, I won't feel lonely

Even if we're apart, even if we're apart

The sky connects us

Even if we couldn't see each other,

We're here

Because the sky is here

Butter Cookies and Cheese Cream

eshtar — Sat, 25 Oct 2014 05:12:23 GMT

おはようございます！
Good day

Woken up by my nephew's crying again, and I am ready to begin another day in front of my laptop writing final assignment.

Finished reading Claymore. Being someone hopeless when it comes to Oneechan character, this series is just the ultiate killer. Oh gosh, the ending is just so beautiful I just can't even begin TAT. It is like totally all of my liking on one same spot and I just CAN'T. In Japan as well, when I was there, I cannot help but being unnaturally giddy whenever anyone beckoned me gently by saying, "Oide" and I just. well. Yeah. anyway, Claymore is just everything I wished it to be and I am just helpless with it.

I think I want to finish D-Grayman as well. Has it completed already, I wonder? Reading a long and still continuing series is a little troublesome lately.

今日も晴れてるでーす。ラシャー君はね、髪切ったよ。棒増になちゃった（笑）
まぁぁ。。明日か明後日かお姉ちゃんの家に引越しするんで、寂しい。お母さんもしばらくお姉ちゃんの家で泊まるつもりだし、家が一気に静かになっちゃいそう。あれはあれで。

Another long time no see post (lol)

eshtar — Thu, 23 Oct 2014 01:37:17 GMT

How long has it been? Almost 2 years, I guess? since the last time I post to this blog.

It is so forgotten yet....
livejournal = nejiten, my highschool year. And I am glad I grow up as a writer from this site. It is so peaceful and unchanging, but look at how versatile it is as a writing blog journal.

Things have changed, and so am I. I grow up to be a paranoid, socially dysfunctional human being now. I am afraid of people, afraid of making faults, afraid of being scold at... yeah, I grow up to be a coward.

I am also afraid of expectation, people's expectation towards me. I can't help it.

But I think I grow up to be thankful of what I got. I have so many things I want to achieve and fulfil, but I also learn to suppress my own desire if need be when I cannot get it. I think I learn not to throw tantrum.

I am in last year now. That said though, I did go to Japan for a year as an exchange student. Veterinary Medicine-wise, I learned nothing. But I got family and friends, people I can trust and count on to with my life, that is something that I wouldn't trade with anything else. I have to try and get back my veterinary prowess from now on too though.

And I am faced with two really hard decision: to be a vet or to take s2 abroad.

However I don't want to think about that now. I just have to focus on finishing my degree for now... I guess.

My sister just had a baby. A healthy baby boy. :)

Long time no see

eshtar — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 14:24:21 GMT

It has been a while... (not even a while, it is a loooong while) since the last time I updated this blog. I should tell you how finally writing something over this blog is like finding my old self again, and how it is really nostalgic going back here, looking at all the NejiTen love I used to write.... and how NejiTen remained my OTP forever, even if I don't really read Naruto that tentatively anymore.

So what has exactly changed? Perhaps, first, is my university year (oh, duh). I'm in my fourth year, hopefully my last year. It has been a kind of tedious albeit satisfying year that I had passed and I can speak in contentment how I don't regret going to this Vet Med faculty. There are things that I regret, things that I ashamed of doing, things that make me realized just what a coward I am, what a nonsensical human being I can be, and what an air-headed snob I usually am. I don't regret those times, they are the times that slapped me back to earth, shamed me, whipped me, and thus shaped me. I am grateful to my One and Only God, for always watching over me.

I am currently at lost now. Motivation is something hard to find. I mean, forcing yourself to do something won't do you any good but there are times when you just don't want to do a thing and this kind of times is rapidly approaching somehow. I want to just lie down and read instead of doing my report for example and that is bad. Perhaps I need more vacation or perhaps I had too long of a vacation that I can't get my head back to my university.

Whichever it is, I have a job to do and I have to do it.

Anyway.
My sister is going to get married. With all my heart, I am wishing her the best. :)

... ... and I feel like she has been taken. That is natural, I guess... Well... I wonder how my parents feel. This kind of times are what reminds me that we are no longer kids, that there are obligations tying us to lots of things we love and care and value.

Which is also a cue for me to continue with my report. :)

May the Force be with you, my friend. It has been a long while and I hope, I really hope, I do not lose any of my internet friend. Perhaps I do lose some of you? XD ah, my Bad, then... but no matter. As they all said, what has been formed, though it can be broken, there will always be traces remains and even though they were mere rubble, I will embrace them with all my heart. (what is with this poetic ending note?! =_____= saaaaappy).

Again?

eshtar — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 05:23:15 GMT

This is the nth time that I've taken the wrong turn for Wildlife Conservation Society's secretary in Bogor. Anyway, I finally get there, but then it has moved to another part of Bogor, which is kind hard to get with public transport. Ok, I give up. I'll just ask some male friend next time, whatever.
Why am I going there anyway? Well, we'll be having this expedition to Karimun Jawa. It's more of a research actually. We'll taking samples from sharks and turtles to look into their parasites, and also help the reboisation of the mangrove forest in Karimun Jawa. That, then after that I'm planning on FINALLY going to Lampung, to Way Kambas National Park that specializes on their elephant conservation. I'm getting excited!!

.... But first.. What am I going to do with this undelivered proposal? TAT somebody, help me get there!

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

OAO THIS.IS.BIG!

eshtar — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 06:11:43 GMT

The co-assistants of veterinary degree were taking this sheep near our practical surgery room. We were waiting for our practice time to come and of course, this sheep turns into a famous celebrity in a matter of seconds:

That s a HUGE SCROTUM! XDD we though it was testicle tumor, but it wasn't. This scrotum was filled with pus. They said the sheep just recently got miasis, though I don't know in which part of his body but one thing for sure, that scrotum is huge! I got the chance to touch it, The base is kinda hard but, it felt like this overloaded balloon...

He got operated this afternoon, and we peeked from the window and... man, there was so much pus, it almost filled an entire bottle in that aspirator machine. OAO

Okay, need to go back to my study. Got Pharmacology exam tomorrow. :) Byeeee~

Hypocritical Kindness

eshtar — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 12:19:52 GMT

I was reading this article about Sashihara Rino, written in her photobook "Sashiko". Well, this maybe intentional or maybe not, and it's not the article it self that I want to emphasize:

Is Sashihara “very kind” like everyone says?

“I’m not kind. Why would they say so?”

You took the job of taking care of a disabled kid. When the kid spited out his food, you told him “Not good~” and kept cleaning up the food he spited out. During the time of school traveling, there was a kid that nobody invited. Yet you went and invited him. Whenever people had worries, Sashihara would always be by their side. These are some of the stories we heard from people who know you in Oita. We haven’t heard these stories from you yet.

“Those … that’s …”

After saying these, Sashihara looked a bit embarrassed. She then put up a serious face and said …

“I, was just there at the right time. They weren’t such a big deal. I only did what I could’ve done to my abilities. Helping a disabled kid, it’s not like I thought about helping him for life. If there’s a kid who’s being bullied, even if I was around, I wouldn’t go help him. So it’s only hypocritical kindness. I am a hypocrite. Even I know it myself. That’s why I want to at least do whatever nice things I can do to my abilities. Those … are nothing worth of compliment about.”

Somehow I then reminisced about what Chacha said:

"gak ada orang tuh yang 100% baik, gw ga percaya itu tuh ada. Yang penting kan gw lakuin, Gan." semuanya dalam sense kalo paling nggak ada courtesy untuk nanya, walau memberi ketidaknyamanan pada diri sendiri. ("No one is 100% kind, I don't believe that such person exists. The important thing is I did it, Gan." everything in a sense that at least there is some courtesy from her to offer her help, even though asking makes her discomfort)

Aside from the fact that, yes, she is a negative person from the very beginning (XD), I think the word hypocritical kindness pretty much sums up everything about it. Hahahaha

You can't be 100% genuinely kind. Maybe you can, for very few people, but for most, being 100% kind is just not possible. There is ALWAYS that one side of us that's saying "darn it, I like that cake sooo much!!!" when you give your cake to someone or kind of like "argh, this is so troublesome!" when you helped someone lost to get to their destination and thus detouring from your own trip. Is there anyone that actually do not have even an ounce of this feelings? I presume there is NONE.

Is that a sin? Why is it a sin, then, if that is so? For me, I believe it is not.

everyone has his or her own limit, has his or her own capabilities, has their own attachment or obligations to certain things in their life with different degrees. This results in different abilities in sacrificing themselves for others. Perhaps you can only feel sorry and can only look and have no courage to actually help, but I think that does not mean you are unkind. It is not something to be ashamed of either. It is human to feel reluctant on helping someone. It is also human to reluctantly offering your help, I mean, that is human.

just like what Chacha said, "at least I did it, gan" Yes, that is right. at least you did offer. at least you did feel sorry. Whether you are reluctant or that you are scared, it is all human.

That is why, we must work hard to get into higher degree of sincerity, no? The point is that feeling that makes you able to cross that discomfort and reluctance and actually offer to do it!

If it is easy to do good things, then where is the nobility in doing it? :)

Mirai o shinjite iru ka?

eshtar — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:44:31 GMT

This past few days I have been watching a lot of AKB48 stuff, from video to their variety show AKBingo, which is... hmm... how should I say... pretty unusual for me to do. hehe. I mean, all of them are women (GIRLS, actually), so why should I? But anyway, their AKBingo is very entertaining, you don't need to be a fan to actually laughing at the stupid things they do (and say XD). I do say they're rather adorable, honest. Or maybe just because I like cute things. Cute persons draws me too. LOL. Well, maybe only some of cute guys, since I'd rather have the manly type of guys. :)

I'm not a fan of AKB48 but I think in the course of 4 days only, I know a lot about them already and has so many vids of them, people will think I am. Am I? Well, I only like 4 of their songs, I don't even want to hear the others more than half part of the other songs. =3= In fact, I think I only really Beginner and Sakura no Shiori. The others? mmm

I had just recollected on my own family... I just realized I never say anything about them, really in the whole year I have been using this journal... Hmmm...

What should I say...

Mom is... a very democratic person. Or at least she's trying to, really hard at that. She seems to have an idea of ideal mother in her head and she's trying really really hard to fulfill it. Sometimes she doesn't quite do that hahaha :) but I can see how she's trying, how she tried to change her view on something and be open-minded, though she is not as much so. She's also understanding, knowing that both me and my sister are two different girls, completely different, and understands. :)

Dad is a very goofy person. He is rarely serious towards us, his daughters--He still thinks we are all his little toddlers,hahaha. He's the weakest one in the family if it's about family jokes since he got gang up by three really vicious women. LOL. Dad could be really impulsive, do something without thinking, do stupid things and waste money but above anything else in the world, he is a very very sincere person. Impulsively. He could get along with almost anyone, his interpersonal skill is just outstanding. :)

My sister is... I don't know... I envy her XD hahahaha. She's very outgoing, she has Mom's diligence and Dad's interpersonal skill. She is religious too, more than me, which I want to achieve but... :( yeah, my bad. She also has everything she wanted, a job she loved, a future of education... she lives her life a lot more carefree than I am. Truthfully, I wanted to be as outgoing as her, always. As a kid, she's annoying and always ahead of me, doing things like wrestle me to the ground and she has this amazingly sharp and annoying tongue XD --- she ALWAYS wins. ALWAYS. She has lots of guy friends meanwhile I don't since I'm too shy to boys... and my lack of interpersonal skill. She's so.... HONEST to herself... Something that I can't do. I envy her for that.

I love my family. No matter how I talk about them, I love them so much. I may not a family person (which is VERY bad of me) but I love my family, very much, they are the best that Allah could give to me.
Just feel like it. Hahahaahaha XDDD

Btw, Minegishi Minami as a boy is SO. CUTE!!! And Watanabe Mayu as a boy is just... like an anime character comes to life! Oh, GOD. They're my fav AKB48 members, one because of her cheerful character I could TOTALLY relate to, the other because of sheer cuteness... and also her Otaku self. Hahaha! Nothing is better than an Otaku Idol!

This is Watanabe (anime chara, much? XD)

and this is Minegishi (anime-ish cute n annoying boy? XD)

Oh my... XDD Both are just so cute!

HOLIDAY!

eshtar — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 10:51:15 GMT

HOLIDAY.IS.COMIIIIIINGGGGG.
or at least supposed to be.

Anyway, YAAAAY! I'll be going to Sea World!!! XDD I'll be spending my 'internship' there for a week, it was great for a change in the "long" holiday we're having. Plus, we have this special course in our VetMed dept about laboratory animals; comprises the methods and techniques in handling a lot of different animals. They provides us with rabbits, mice, rats, sheep, chickens, and guinea pigs. XD We just got over the rabbit session and you know what? Poor rabbit :((

I just hope we could be a better veterinarian after this course. Or else, poor Meru the Rabbit (ok, me and my partner named ours Meru. LOL) will have haematoma for nothing OAO.

We will practice with the Sheep and the Chickens tomorrow! XD Can't wait!! I guess we'll waste the syringe again tomorrow (because of the blood clot after we take the blood from the vein plug the needle OAO) but heck.. I just can't wait to be ~~king~~ a good vet!! XDD I'll practice hard!!

Sooo... It's PSP TIME!

Bye, everyone! *off to play Tactics Ogre, which seems really interesting

Identity Crisis

eshtar — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 23:42:18 GMT

There is a word in Indonesian called “Galau”. It is a pretty popular word, and I am pretty sure that is exactly what happens to me right now.

I don’t understand why people insist to believe on what they see.

Outside, I am a tomboy, even, I’m more manly than some men. Little did they know that I like cute stuff too—a simple, unimportant pink pig doll could make me melt just like it could to any other girl.

Outside I seemed unbreakable and strong. Little did they know just how breakable I am—I could cry over the simplest gesture of rejection from my best friend and be wounded until years after that.

Outside I seemed ignorant. Little did they know how the way they see me actually matters a lot to me—I am so afraid of being left behind and rejected, I ripped my self off my freedom of expressing myself to make them feel comfortable with me, to make me a lot more predictable to their liking. Thus, they don’t know me.

Outside I seemed heartless. Little did they know how I could cry over a song, be it a sad love song or even national anthem since I am so easily touched.

I am a naive, melancholic, melodramatic girl who is also a hypocrite and a chicken. It is funny how most people around me judge me on how I should have acted, how I should have addressed myself.

They can’t even get past my facade.

They can’t even read through the lines I wrote from my soul.

They can’t even rob themselves off the blindness they inflict upon themselves as they see me.

No, you don’t know me. You can’t judge me. I have many faces, unless you recognized all of them… you’ll never be able to know me. EVER.

Sometimes I don’t even know myself, who are you to tell me who I am?

I am not any stereotype, I am not a mob. I am an individual, judge me as one… Do not judge as the society. If you do, then you never see me.

If you don’t believe what I had said, then you are, INDEED, blind.

Weekend is non existent

eshtar — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:10:10 GMT

So basically, lately, I've been awfully good to myself lately. I didn't go bicycling to campus, eating good food, not stressing myself with university assignments, I even say NO to various committee and just lounge around in my room watching anime... and reading book. I don't spent that much time reading though, only about 3 days... but I finished 3 novels in that timeline. Could have. The last novel get stuck because of blackouts and all. and this is what I read, a HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BOOK:

The ideas is simple, to make the citizen realize that they cannot do anything against the Capitol, from 12 districts a boy and a girl are chosen to go into the Hunger Games: a game in which they will fight to the death. I applaud the writer for keeping up an emotional and really strong character in this book.

Many compare it to Twilight but HELL YEAH, THIS BOOK IS IN A WHOLE DIFFERENT QUALITY THAN TWILIGHT. Honestly, you have to try and read it. :)

Oh, and lately I'm into these following anime:
Working! AnoHana

Working! is comedy, I can say that it's adjacent with K-On!! but AnoHana is just a Pure masterpiece. Fully titled as Ano Hi Mita Hana no Namae o Bokutachi wa Mada Shiranai (We still don't know the name of that flower we saw that day), AnoHana is a tear-jerking anime with only 11 episodes. Highly recommended for those who like drama. :)

Writer's Block: The missing piece

eshtar — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 13:00:09 GMT

Heart and Dignity.

Save the Slow Loris!

eshtar — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 09:32:38 GMT

Lately, I have been updating this a lot more sluggish than how I updated my fanfic, I think... T.T Sad...

Aaaaahhh... I thought after the National Seminar is over, I can finally relax but heck yeah... that is SO not the case. I had just passed the mid-terms (which is hell, and which I didn't study at all because I'm still kind of stressed by the after-math of the seminar) and now I had just come home from a campaign... :( At least I managed to update my Wish fanfic. It was a really really last minute move, right before I leave my rented room. I was rushing here and there after that but I feel really satisfied with the reviews. XDD I'm so happy that my hard work paid off, though of course, I can never be satisfied with what I have achieved... I must improve! XD

By the way, do you know IAR (International Animal Rescue)? Well, I just went to the one in Bogor and we helped their campaign about slow loris. Slow loris trading has been banned by the law in our country and by international law. Every slow loris is under Appendix I of CITES (which means that they cannot be sold, ZERO QUOTA).

(this picture is taken by IAR Indonesia)

Slow loris is endemic to South East Asia. There are only 5 species, the Bengal slow loris (Nycticebus bengalensis), the Pygmy slow loris (Nycticebus pygmaeus), Sunda Slow loris (Nycticebus coucang), Bornean Slow loris (Nycticebus menagensis), and Javan slow loris (Nycticebus javanicus). 3 of them are in Indonesia, my home country. The Javan slow loris (Nycticebus javanicus), particularly, is amongst the 25 most endangered primates in the world, the others are following behind since people wants them. It is sad how the one that threatened these cute creatures are wild life trading since they are CUTE.

(The picture of juvenile Javan Slow loris, Nycticebus javanicus, taken by IAR Indonesia)

People are selling them as pets, be it here in Indonesia or overseas. As you can see from the above picture, their teeth were plucked and crushed so that they cannot bite with their canine teeth. That makes them unable to be released to the wild anymore. However, people still wants them since they look cute their whole life! They don't know that 90% of the ones being captured died and only 10% survived and sold. Isn't that such a horrible statistic?

There is no such thing as slow loris breeder. There is NO breeder. They are really hard to breed, only one infant every 1,5 years. I mean, there just NO WAY they cost as much as they are now if they are being bred. How many slow loris must you have to be able to breed them for commercial use? Plus, Slow loris is such a delicate animal. They're nocturnal and has a complicated diet. A lot of slow lorises died from stomach ulcer because of unsuitable diet. There is no way they cost like they are now.

It sad that PEOPLE POST THEM IN YOUTUBE AS PETS!!! They're not pets... :( The reason why wild animal is never a suitable pet is that human contact can become a stress to them and they will die out of it a lot easier. Plus, people are rearranging their daily habit into diurnal, even if the animals are nocturnal. This will put stress to their body and physiological mind...

We tried to tell them that yes, slow loris has toxin. They are the only primate with toxin. Their axillary gland produces this substances that when activated by their saliva, could cause allergy and, if severe, anaphylaxis shock that result in death. Plus, wild animals are reservoir for various diseases that we don't even know yet now. That is why captured wild animals are dangerous to your health. Given the fact that slow lorises are non-human primates, their genetic resemblance to ours added even more danger.

Why, oh why people say that love is keeping as pets? Isn't love means to give what is best to what we love, instead of determining what is best? There is no place like home, they said... and these lorises's home is in their habitat.

Enough with that... I hope can get your awareness through this post, or at least for you to find out on your own just how endangered these lovely creature is. :(( I am so sad... they're not supposed to suffer... Please help us spread the awareness of wildlife trading... T,T

By the way, The World God Only Knows is actually a great series! I just found out about that! Persona 4 The Animation is also great! Although most gamers are kind of down with how they are right now, I think the Animation can stand out as its own while trying to retain the game aspects. I can really see that the animation crew are striving to achieve that ideal balance. They're outstanding. Though it's not perfect, but Persona 4 the Animation can show me just how they tried their hardest to make the game... the animation. XD

Anyway, thanks a lot. I'm so tired now, sleeping at 1 AM (not a good sleep) then woke up at 4.30 AM then having a full day on the road, campaigning for Slow loris is... well... anyway.. I think Im gonna take a shoooort nap. XD

THIS IS MADNESS

eshtar — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 12:51:39 GMT

So, recently.... Well, I think I had overestimated my own body. I got these fever, then some diarrhea, then headache, then more fever then... yeah, pretty much I was contracted with various sickness back and forth. That said though, I think the only answer as to why I got them is one: STRESS

God, help me. The Seminar is only a week away, we only get one sponsor, which only gives us 10% of all of the funds we need... I feel so ... useless... T.T

and my broken HDD is becoming the root of another problem: my evaluation report for the program we just made... our only datas are possibly there and... T.T what are we going to do?!?!?!?

Honestly, I think I have another hobby now: HEADDESK.

And Praise Thy Lord

eshtar — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 17:11:57 GMT

And everything just seem to be thrown about in a chaotic swirl of madness, one after another.

First is the lost of 400 GB data in external HDD... after that is the PSP memory stick and all its save data... after that... is the unsuccessful attempts in two days in a row on going to HDD service center that was 2 hours trip away via train (the first day, I arrived at 1.30 PM, when it closed suddenly at 12.01 PM, the second day I came because the employee said that they would be open, which they weren't)... piled up with unfinished paper, report, and unfulfilled fund raising national seminar commitee schedule (the seminar is a month away now)... and the peak is the discovery of the BURSTING OF THE TOILET in my rented house tonight.

The smell is horrible. Just imagine the inside of your toilet bursting out... so... yeah...

Well, I personally am not disturbed that much (since I'm in Veterinary Medicine so I pretty much working in an environment that is accustomed to feces of various species of creatures in this lovely Earth) but still, a sight of it INSIDE YOUR OWN HOUSE is just... yeah. The smell didn't get to my room, or Pho's room, but it's unbearably drifting in the whole house and... yes, you can just imagine how it is like.

There is still two days before the class begins and I haven't tidied up my room since I left it in my weakened condition (read: in a high fever) so... you can just imagine how... messed up my room is right now.

All I can say is: Astagfirullah... Astagfirullah... Astagfirullah...

These trials are coming like a landslide...

... Anyway. I think I've gotten addicted to Seiyuu Radio Shows. Shows like Sugar Pot (Rajion! Satomi Hakkenden!) or Ore no Imouta Ga (Rajiou) Konna ni Kawaii Wake Ga Nai or Seiken no Qwaser is lining up on my lists of things I would hear. Maybe they talked too fast, maybe I cannot fully understand the whole Japanese (I only understand 1% of it) but I love hearing my favorite seiyuus talk normally, as who they are, not as the characters they played. You can see the list of the radio... here:
http://www.geek-p.com/

I really like Satou Satomi (Sugar). Honestly... I don't know why... hahahahaha! Hikasa Youko and her are just irresistible. :33333 Hiyocchi/Pikasha is SUCH an adorable dork while Sugar is SUCH a sweeeeeeeeeet sugary person, honest. LOL X3

... I'm trying to get my mood back here, okay?... am really trying... At least fangirling over them gets my mind over... like... for the first 3 minutes...

Rebuilding...

eshtar — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 01:29:56 GMT

Still have no HDD right now, still mourning over the last one...

I got a fever... and even now I'm still not fully recovered yet. Mom said that it was all because of my HDD is still... ah... that I subconsciously still mourn it, still heart broken and stuff and that goes to my body. That, and all of my unfinished work and stress that piled up. Like the report that I should have done but the data was all gone, or maybe the sponsorship for the national seminar that went down to the drain, or maybe the unfinished paper that I should have done in the holiday.

I don't know, maybe subconsciously I am that stressed out? *shrugs* Maybe yes...

I miss Pho dearly...

Anyway... Got my hand on the backstage file of k-on!! Come With Me! Concert. was overjoyed. Though there is no subs yet and I don't think anyone will ever subs it, I'm glad I still understand some of it, at least I can laugh at some point. Those seiyuu casts were just too cute and adorable. LOL... I really am becoming a fan of Shuga.. hahahaha