random acts of hopelessness

thoughts

2015-09-26T02:41:40Z

Being here is a bit of a mindfuck.

I went back into my archives to try to find a specific post because I am nearly 99% sure that I at some point talked about when L said she was going to commit suicide. I know I said something to incite it and I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT. And I was talking about it with my sister and she said that L had said it was because she needed a break and the insurance would only cover a week and THAT IS A LIE. So I was looking for evidence and got sucked into the hell that was 2006.

I feel like I should just hand this entire LJ over to my therapist an say, "Here is 10+ years of my life heavily documented" because holy shit was I a fucking mess.

And it feels sort of fitting to talk about how much of a mess I was on here because here is where it all is. The emotional blood spatter of L's abuse and neglect and just everything.

It feels like a decade since I was last here, but it's only been like a year...maybe a year and a half? I don't know who any of you are anymore. Though these days I don't really know who I am either.

This is all very strange.

turns on the light

2015-09-25T02:35:20Z

Anyone still here?

if you love me let me go

2014-01-27T19:57:25Z

So...it's been awhile, eh?

I'm not sure I've ever gone this long without updating. It's weird.

But, uh, I signed a lease. We officially have an apartment (once the last of the money and keys exchange hands) and we're moving in (if all goes according to plan) on the 9th of February.

It's a 1-bedroom, but's nearly as big as the place we have now, and it's IN Manhattan. Very north, but still considered Manhattan.

I am freaking out (like I do) and I'm trying to schedule 3-days off work and over a weekend in retail so we'll see if I am granted my time :P Mostly I just feel sick to my stomach and keep bursting into tears. It's been a very emotional last few days, can I just say?

There's not really much else to say? This has pretty much consumed my life for the last week and a half and before that, I've just been trying to keep my head above water and not have a breakdown over the idea of moving. I don't do moving well. And there's so much to do in preparation for the move and there's even more to do after the move.

I am full of so many emotions that I can't really name them all, really. Other than ill. I just feel ill and I'm questioning everything, but that isn't all that new. That's like SOP for me.

But anyway. Yeah. We're officially moving to NYC. For realsies ('cause the last 4 months didn't count?)

and i'm frozen

2013-11-01T18:00:47Z

So I realized that the last time I posted it was because I was ridiculously tired and couldn't go home and the time before that it was OMG This is Not a Crisis But It Feels Like It. I figured an update might be good for those who are still sticking around.

Still in NYC. I now have a job. It's retail, but it's for a baby boutique so a little different from before. I'm a shopgirl again. This place is more structured and with good reason. Everyone is very nice, though, even though most of them I've only spoken with on the phone or e-mailed. I'm meeting most of the team this coming Wednesday. Very exciting.

Also still living with my sister. It looks like that'll be the case through January. But now I'll be able to save up money so when we do get an apartment, I can help pay the deposits instead of my sister shouldering all that monetary burden.

So things are better. As long as I don't fuck up at the new job too much ^_^ But today is my day off (\o/) so I'm nesting on the couch with my sister's computer and allowing myself to deal with the sick that I've been fighting off since Monday. UGH. Resting is hard. But easier now that I will soon have an income again (I don't actually get paid for another week. Argh. I have to get used to being paid bi-weekly instead of weekly :P and also getting paid about half what I got at the dry cleaners).

Yeah so. That's the update, I guess?

Oh and I'm still stupidly obsessed with One Direction.

Bye.

(psst. I'm on tumblr lots. @stellabeing for interested parties)

escapisms @ 2013-10-10T09:38:00

2013-10-10T13:38:09Z

My sister has a cleaning lady. Its great.</p>

Except for having to leave the house by 7:45 and I got about 4 hours of sleep and I'm so tired I want to cry.

Can't go back to the house until 2 and the library doesn't open until 10.

Sitting in a diner just wanting to sleep and cry.

v.v

escapisms @ 2013-09-27T21:36:00

2013-09-28T01:36:51Z

Having one of those hysterical moments of "OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!!!"

Move to a huge city. With no job, no apartment, and no savings.

Seriously. What the fuck was I thinking?

I hate everything.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

escapisms @ 2013-09-21T13:01:00

2013-09-21T17:01:35Z

Currently on a train to catch a bus to catch a cab to go to my sister's.

I quit my job yesterday. It did not feel as liberating as I was expecting. Instead I am rather depressed and also really angry.

There's no doubt that I did the right thing. Especially after what transpired once I said it: "Its not okay. I'm done. I'm out. I quit."

So I'm on a train to catch a bus and a cab to go to my sister's. To find a job up there and then an apartment so Kasey and Arielle and the cats can come, too.

This is the craziest thing I've ever done. I think I might still be in shock actually.

And who knows. Maybe after a week, I'll decide NYC sucks and come back.

Ha. Right.

Its a new adventure, right? And I've had itchy feet for awhile. I lived in that town for seven years. Time to move on.

Also my One Direction earbuds already broke :( Never even got a chance to use them.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

escapisms @ 2013-09-16T23:39:00

2013-09-17T03:39:47Z

Long story short because I'm writing on my phone:

I might be quitting my job on Friday and moving to NYC.

Yeah.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

escapisms @ 2013-09-11T00:32:00

2013-09-11T04:32:55Z

And this too shall pass...

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

calling out, calling out

2013-07-29T05:05:18Z

Apparently I have kind of sort of joined (?) a new fandom but it has already ripped my heart to pieces and as a result I started working on The Original Multi-Media Novel Thing.

And I need betas/cheerleaders. It's only 1500ish words right now but it is massive in my brain and if I'm going to keep going I need (a) sounding board(s).

Willing persons would be lovely please and thank you.

If you are a person who is good with photoshop that would be great, too. Like I said -- multi-media. This thing is epic.

escapisms @ 2013-06-25T14:25:00

2013-06-25T18:25:43Z

Boss is being a complete and utter child about my Darren Days. That I asked for TWO months ago.</p>

Whatever. I just have to get through the rest of today and then tomorrow and then I'M OFF!!!!!!

escapisms @ 2013-06-13T15:48:00

2013-06-13T19:48:45Z

Split shift today (UGH) and came home to Binky with a trail of pus down her chin. In the same spot as her ulceration. However, after wrangling her so I could actually see it, I think it was just a really frightening looking zit because once I wiped it all away there wasn't any broken or damaged looking skin or fur.

But I'm once again on frantic/paranoid Binky Face Watch just in case. But I think she's fine since it looked okay once I cleared the pus and blood away.

I would just REALLY like to stop finding her with blood or puss or swollen bits on her face.

And now I have to go back to work. Blargh.

cryptic post is cryptic

2013-06-13T12:33:40Z

I had a huge crisis and managed to solve it without involving my sister. In fact, she doesn't even know anything is wrong and I am going to do my damndest to keep it that way.

I did it on my own. I lied, but I did it.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

only so much

2013-05-15T17:17:58Z

So for the last week or so I have been seriously thinking (for perhaps the first time) about moving in with my sister in NYC. 'Cos jst_klo is evil and logical like that.

Some of you might be saying, "But Lux! What about what happened last time you did that??" Which is something I've been wondering myself and is a valid concern. However, it's 10 years later and we're all much older and in different places (not just geographically). For one, I'm not running away from my mother this time, I have a GED and a chunk of community college credits to my name, and work experience that I didn't have before.

Yet I still have reservations. It wouldn't be for about a year anyway. And my biggest worry actually is the cats. They're used to living with very few people and having the run of the apartment. At my sister's they would be in my room all the time. Because I don't trust them around the nephews and I don't trust the nephews around them. And my sister's cat is pretty territorial anyway. It's a decent-sized room for one person. For one person and two cats? Hrm :/ I think it goes without saying that the cats and I are a package deal. But if that's the biggest hurdle? That's not so bad because we could probably make it work. The cats are usually on my bed anyway :P

But anyway. I'm pretty sure the tailor at the shop just quit via text message right before I left work today. I'm not surprised. She and I have discussed it a lot over the last few weeks (both of us quitting, actually). Of course I never mentioned it to The Boss because we were mostly just fantasizing about it ("What would you do if you won the lottery?" -- "I'd quit!" -- "Me too!" etc) But I know the tailor has been just as unhappy at the shop as I have been so I'm more on the side of, "Good for you!" than anything. Her leaving sucks for me a little bit, but mostly I know that she'll be a lot happier and that's good.

Which brings me to me leaving the shop. I haven't. Not yet. But moving in with my sister would get me away from the shop and that's good. That's very good. Like I said, it probably wouldn't be for another year while I got things more situated here re: credits and school. But it's on my mind a lot these days. I've begun looking around at my stuff and categorizing it into Things I Want and Things I Can Store in the Basement.

For now, though, I am going to go clean the kitchen and have lunch and take a nice long shower and then I'm going to go see the Hush Sound in Philly and it is going to be an amazing night. I'm not looking forward to what I'll have to deal with in the shop tomorrow or Friday or Saturday.

But for tonight, I am going to have a great time.

Edit: New Horrible Thought -- how will the tailor quitting effect me taking the half-week off for my 3 Darren shows????????????????????????

on traveling

2013-05-11T17:23:20Z

One day, I will get everything together the night before I'm leaving and wake up just a little early to take a shower and pack up anything else. I will take my bag with me to work so I can leave for the train straight off.

Today is not that day. It's nearly 1:30. I haven't showered, I haven't shaved, I haven't packed or gotten the cats situated. It's an 18-hour visit.

I am lame. :(

escapisms @ 2013-05-01T16:37:00

2013-05-01T20:37:19Z

Update: Its in the exact same place as the swelling from March and the Vet called it an ulceration. Its open and irritated and bleeding. Binky's top canine is resting right on top of it. So she's on antibiotics again and I'm taking her back next Wednesday for a check-up.

Binky was a total trooper. She let the Vet touch it and examine it and only kicked up a fuss when the Vet had to press down to check for tumors (!!!), but even then she wasn't violent. She's such a good girl.

However, her heart murmur has gotten a little worse and the Vet would like to do an echo (is it even spelled that way when it pertains to medical? IDK) but that's $$$ that I do not have right now. She said the murmur is right in the middle of the scale of severity, but she would recommend having it checked out to be on the safe side to see if heart disease (!!!) will become a problem in the future.

'cause Binky is getting older and that's something I need to start worrying about. So. It is now a question of do I ask my sister for help so I can get it done now? Or do I save and do it myself? And postpone it until probably August.

Binky is hiding under the bed and I wish she would come up here so I could snuggle her. But she needs her space and I get that. I made her go into the cage and go outside where its very loud and let strangers touch her when she already feels bad. Hopefully she'll come out later...when I'll have to give her her first dose. Sigh. Prying her mouth open when it already hurts is so hard.

The good news? She's gained half a pound since March. So that's something I guess.

escapisms @ 2013-05-01T15:25:00

2013-05-01T19:25:59Z

I was having a really good day. And it could still turn out to be a good day. But I just got home from therapy and Binky has dried blood on her jaw (the same side that was an issue last time) so I am taking her to the vet in 15 minutes. I don't know how much its hurting her but she flinched when I touched it. So the vet is squeezing me in at 3:45.

I hope its nothing. It might be nothing. But I'm not taking that chance. And I'm trying very hard to stay calm. I am taking care of it. I am taking care of her and she was snuggly this morning and looked fine so its not like I put this off.

But God I really hope that the vet can fix whatever it is.

In a few minutes I have to go track her down and get her into the cat carrier. Never our favorite production - and it is always a production. I think she is sulking in the living room now. Sigh.

Hoping so hard that I am overreacting.

escapisms @ 2013-04-28T11:11:00

2013-04-28T15:11:33Z

So I'm starting to work on tweaking the things in Fic of Doom I want to tweak. Well. Okay. Just the ONE plot thing that is bugging me and it only needs fixing in, like, 5 places. So I am doing that.

The only problem is I forgot how hard it is to work on this fic just because it's so effing long and teeters a lot. There's so much packed into it. Very, very dense. Blah.

But I have successfully re-written one scene so far and I have had an excellent breakfast and Quoth is snuggled next to me, purring away in solidarity. Paw power or something.

I keep remembering that the first go-round with this fic I wrote it mostly on Wednesdays and Sundays when I had the time off work and I would bash out thousands of words and then stare at it blankly for weeks after. Fun times.

Oh and I got the time off work and the Maryland tickets and now I just need to get my hands on a pair of Philly tickets and the OMG We Are Crazy Tour can happen in June. We're going to NYC, Philly, and Silver Springs. We will get, like, NO sleep. I am really excited and anxious about the whole ordeal, honestly. We already have lists and lists of what to bring and what not to bring and adag;gsdgsd;fg. Even without VIP tickets we're hoping for a chance to meet Darren. But we will not be creepy.

Right. Back to the scenes. I doubt I'll get them all re-written today, but it's a start :)

things what i have done

2013-04-27T22:26:57Z

Worked, freaked out over VIP Darren tickets, left work, freaked out over not getting VIP Darren tickets, bought tickets to see Fall Out Boy & Panic! at the Disco in September, went to the farmer's market, and in the process sort of decided to try and see if we can go to three Darren shows.

NYC, Philly, and Maryland.

Still working out the logistics and if both of us can get all that time off work. But...it could be the coolest thing ever. Also exhausting. And that tiny detail of we only have tickets for the NYC show at the moment. And that's a lot of shows and a lot of money and blarhgargpghsdfkgh.

Now though I am just tired (and kind of grumpy) and needing to go clean the kitchen. v_v

SIGH.

escapisms @ 2013-04-25T15:37:00

2013-04-25T19:37:44Z

I'm ready for today to be over. I have such a hard time with Thursdays. Sigh. Especially since I have no real idea if I'm working Saturday or not :P

Anyway, I have finished my reread of Fic of DOOM and the stuff I would change remains the same. New goal is to finish the whole damn thing by July. Fingers crossed.

And now...back to work :P

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

and on the subject of

2013-04-24T16:43:56Z

Phone spazzed out so I wasn't quick enough for Philly tickets to see Darren, but I managed NYC tickets :D

Still going to try for Philly tickets tomorrow and Saturday, though, since the TLA is soo much smaller than Roseland and there's a better chance of me actually being able to see the stage :P

Totally disregarding the fact that I have no idea how I'm going to get my boss to let me have two days off in a row on two of our busiest days. La la la. Details, details. She owes me :P

I have the rest of the day off \o/ So I'm going to snuggle up in bed and get a good chunk of Fic of DOOM re-read (I forgot how wordy I am. Jesus.) And if I can get through the last 150 pages (yeesh) I might be able to start plotting out how to make the rest of the fic work. Or decide what needs to be scrapped.

But anyway. I have tasty food and kitties to cuddle and fic to proofread and its a gorgeous day outside. If I had the right chair, I might take it out onto the fire escape while I read buuuut that's not gonna happen. Might open up the windows in the front of the apartment, though.

And now I am just rambling because I'm particularly enjoying the clicky sound of the keys. Ta-ta!

So...

2013-04-23T00:31:53Z

I think I might be ready to start working on The Fic of DOOM that I haven't touched in nearly a year.

Step 1: Re-read it. All 108,000 words of it

Also just had a terrifying moment where the version of it that I usually tinker with is missing 50+ pages. Thank GOD I save multiple copies! *sags*

But I've been thinking about the fic a lot the last few weeks. Neil Gaiman said a few weeks ago, "Just write. Finish things." I need to start finishing things. Especially the long things. Prove to myself that I can write a god damn novel-length something that makes sense.

Because maybe if I finish Fic of DOOM I can start and finish The Novel that's been living in my head for about a year that is so fresh and beautiful but I'm terrified of doing wrong.

So I'll try to finish Fic of DOOM. Even if its a cop-out ending. I will finish it.

God dammit.

escapisms @ 2013-04-22T00:13:00

2013-04-22T04:13:43Z

I've been reading fanfiction again for the first time since October. What happened in October? I started roleplaying again and that sort of sucked up all my spare reading time.

And I'm reading fanfic and bawling my eyes out and a part of me is wondering why.

But I've been wondering why about a lot of things lately.

Anyway. Rainjoy breaks my heart the way ArsenicJade did/does. And I keep going back for more.

And I wonder if its because I know I'll never write as well as either of them, but I keep on trying anyway.

I don't know.

It's midnight on Sunday and I have work in the morning.

Maybe one day "work" will mean getting to play with the characters in my head all day and getting paid for it.

I say stupid things at midnight.

running out of fucks to give

2013-04-20T17:36:02Z

I feel like a rebel.

I left work today when I was supposed to leave. Even though the boss isn't there.

Let me rewind.

Our tailor had emergency eye surgery this week. Apparently she's been losing vision in one of her eyes for months now and never told anyone. I don't know if its a generation thing or an Asian thing but people need to quit it. Now I know that I will put off things but NOT GOING BLIND!

Anyway. Clearly, she has not been in this week. Which means boss has had to do some of her duties which means we got one of our old drivers to do deliveries so boss could be in the store to do those things. Those of you familiar with my boss are probably eyerolling right now and with good reason.

But to make a long, long story short: we made it through the week with minimal casualties. Last night was actually really quiet and we had the door open and I ripped hems while she cut and it was just nice. However, she was having some pains in her legs so she left around 6:50 to go to a spa.

Just outside of NYC.

Now, I only live about 2 hours outside of NYC so this is not actually a huge excursion.

When we spoke on the phone last night I said to her, "I am leaving at 1 o'clock tomorrow. Are you listening? When are you coming in?"

She said, "I'm planning on coming in around 10 or 11."

I said, "I know that's what you're planning, but I am leaving at 1 tomorrow."

She said, "Okay."

Now I have worked a lot of hours this week. 12 hours each on Monday and Tuesday, 7 hours on Wednesday (usually I only work 4), 12 and a half hours on Thursday, 11 on Friday, and 5 today. I AM TIRED YOU GUYS. This is why I made it very clear to her that I WAS LEAVING AT 1 (which is what we agreed on on Monday).

12:55 and she wasn't at the shop. I texted. No answer. I called and it went straight to voice mail which means her phone is dead and she is somewhere. Probably in NYC with her boyfriend.

None of this is my problem.

But I am having a slight issue of conscience: There is a woman who left her son's confirmation suit with us to get altered. It has been altered. It is waiting for her to pick up and the confirmation is tomorrow. We're not open tomorrow. I am not sure if the boss is going to show up or not.

If this woman shows up and the door is locked and the "back in 10 minutes" sign is still on the door...well...

I wish I had called her at 10 to tell her to come in and get it. Then I wouldn't feel guilty at all.

At the same time: not my problem. I have worked a ridiculous amount of hours this week (59.5) and I am tired. AND I MISSED JIM & THE POVOLOS!

Wondering if around 4 I should stick my head out. If the sign is still on the door, I'll go down and call the woman and tell her to come get the suit and I'll close.

Yes, I feel good about that. That way the woman is not screwed and my Saturday isn't totally fucked.

I'm not even really angry with my boss. I am more resigned. I had a pretty good feeling she wouldn't be in because she's hardly ever in when she says she will be. I'm not even really annoyed. I'm actually not even feeling all that guilty about the woman anymore now that I have a plan. I feel like I have my bases covered.

And now, I am going to go commune with my bathtub! Cause I CAN!

Also I wish spotify would stop changing their set up. Its getting really annoying.

escapisms @ 2013-04-10T16:35:00

2013-04-10T20:35:43Z

Have completely run out of spoons. COMPLETELY.

And I think Binky's jaw might be swollen again. FUCK.

Finally got paid the rest of last weeks wages. Still owe landlord $160.

How am I going to pay for possible surgery for Binky's tooth?

I already felt like I was going to start to cry before I got home and then I saw her jaw and now I don't even know what to do/how to feel. Like I missed the crying window.

Kind of feel like I'm going to throw up.

WTF.

random acts of hopelessness

thoughts

*turns on the light*

if you love me let me go

and i'm frozen

escapisms @ 2013-10-10T09:38:00

escapisms @ 2013-09-27T21:36:00

escapisms @ 2013-09-21T13:01:00

escapisms @ 2013-09-16T23:39:00

escapisms @ 2013-09-11T00:32:00

calling out, calling out

escapisms @ 2013-06-25T14:25:00

escapisms @ 2013-06-13T15:48:00

cryptic post is cryptic

only so much

on traveling

escapisms @ 2013-05-01T16:37:00

escapisms @ 2013-05-01T15:25:00

escapisms @ 2013-04-28T11:11:00

things what i have done

escapisms @ 2013-04-25T15:37:00

and on the subject of

So...

escapisms @ 2013-04-22T00:13:00

running out of fucks to give

escapisms @ 2013-04-10T16:35:00

turns on the light