NO, PLEASE, DON'T RUN AWAY

Ohhh mannn

epicionly — Sun, 03 Jul 2016 18:38:47 GMT

Bad stuff has been happening in the fulls since the start of July, and I wonder if it's just all the trials and tribulations that I was supposed to have earlier in my life that just decided to happen now. I'm determined not to let it get me down--I want this month to be a good month, and I even reblogged a tumblr post about that zero negativity thing!!--so I'm doing my best.

Some parts of me need to be a bit street smarter. Take common sense, be a little bit of paranoid.

And on the plus side, I'm trying for tropebingo @ DW! I've always had kind of an interest in prompts/ideas like this, but I've found I'm awfully terrible at nanowrimos and bangs because I have deadlines or I don't work at all and what can I do.

The more I write, the more I think I should be practicing. Even when you have nothing, keep writing.

I've been staring at my Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters sequel fics for the longest time and it's been four years since. Four years. I poured my entire self into that fic but it feels like everything else isn't as strong as it could be, isn't as provoking. I've changed a lot since 2012 and I'm half-sad for it and half wondering where it takes me.

There's always a reason for everything.

I hope now there's a good reason for this, because I do want to take the initiative to change, to write more. Next year is gonna be super killer. I want it to be my last year and I'm filled up to the full with a lot of courses. I need to learn how to time management and relax and do everything.

I'll do my best, but for now, I hope July makes me the happiest yet.

End of a school year + Thoughts on Ideas and WIPs

epicionly — Tue, 17 May 2016 14:01:03 GMT

Still alive! Essays due for this Friday and after that, I'm free! To explore the city, to work on stuff I've promised my best friend (I'm sure she doesn't believe I'll finish them at all since I've got an awful habit of just......forgetting in the end, but since I've got style recs, I should be good!).

Imo, if artists can use other artist's styles as influence then a writer can use another writer's writing/pacing/plotting as influence too. Y'know, that feeling after you read a really good book and you couldn't really put it down, and when you're finished you end up wanting to write something in that book voice?

Don't know if anyone actually keeps track of me here (some part of me still wants to change my username to easyongo but Nikanika told me it was probably better to keep it as was). I remember when I used to be mineconsolidate and then switched to epicionly, and that was when I was starting out. Also, I always hated trying to track authors across different fics if they changed the name. Not so fond of the (NICKNAME) OVERALL USERNAME format either, but what can you do.

I wish I could write more.

And in some way I feel like for someone who talks a lot of shit I don't do anything enough. I do write. I just...don't know how to see that through. I'm all excitements, all ideas but push comes to shove and I'm just not...interested.

Maybe I should give WIPs a try? I'm always more enthusiastic if I have someone else to be enthusiastic with. Self-interest can only take you so far. At the same time, I love postin all in one go because it means it's done. You don't have to wait. I feel like writing will speak for itself and you don't get into a pitfall of 'fuck it was so good why doesn't the writer write anymore'

Had a talk with a friend about this kind of mindset; you can have the best ideas in the world (which I think I do! I have a lot of fun ideas because I like to think I've sort of solved that sort of 'I'm bad at summaries' pitfall since I started off writing back in fanfiction.net as a kid. Thought the phrase R&R was cool shit haha. And i was like NO FLAMES even though I never got them really haha), but if you don't do anything with them, well.

That's true.

I think I should give some of my illustruous ideas for WIPing a try. I've the bad habit of starting so much but never finishing though (but I tell you, I always cheer up with a Kudos on a fic (i love ao3 for that) as well as a comment!). And I know I'm very good at buildup when I make myself pace it out (especially when I'm eager to lead the character into situations where EVENTUALLY SUCH AND SUCH WILL HAPPEN), when I have a set idea of What I Want. When I review something I always make a big deal about the pacing and the flow--and to me, that stuff is a big deal.

Usually I improv write a lot. I don't have a plan. I think they call that oranic writing, but honestly I wish I didn't write like this. I love structure but I'm loathed to follow it unless I mull on it throughout the day and think about it. When I was younger, I used to sit at the piano only to leap off and fire up the computer to type up my ideas. I was always a fountain of ideas. I used to call it my Inspiration.

I feel you should write fics you really want to write. That you feel muy passionate about. There's only a few fics I've published that I don't super like (ex. I don't like the idea of my super short pieces on AO3 because I feel like that's false advertising and it says I wrote more than I actually did), and even then I wrote The Doctrine of Your Crew and Mine because I overestimated myself and honestly just wanted a fic that had x x and y in the end. I'd definitely remix it if I could. I didn't certainly treat Spock's part with a lot of respect, it felt a little rushed in part three and such. Deadlines. I'm awful with them.

I tried joining a McKirk Bang back in February/March/April but honestly I had a lot of stuff to hand in and I couldn't balance my work with it and I hate that. I have to work on time management (which honestly isn't helping here as I'm word vomitting on LJ when I could be doing something else more productive, like, say, my essays).

It's hard to look at the overall of your fic and think yeah this is good, I think. Writers get so lost in their heads that to look back at a draft and see it for the first time is near impossible. At the same time, do people still get their stuff beta'd these days? I feel there is a less of that now. A lot of fanfiction is becoming less organized in some ways. Evolve further and further from book roots somewhat. It's more given in a raw first draft element, don't you think?

I discovered something called developmental editing style where someone reads your first draft and helps you develop it or points out flaws that you could work better, so that your story is more structured, cohesive, falls into sense and the typical Hero's Journey or whatever it is you want. Sandy probably covers that, probably but she's busy with her final exams, I think!

I feel like over the years I've just sort of become less outgoing and more kept to myself and I feel that my writing (introspection as it seems to be focused around, concentrating on sentiment, emotion, reaction) gets sort of hashed into that.

I can write a lot of great things but I honestly couldn't prove it to you. I can prove to you the Could Bes and Could Have Beens but honestly.

I need to stop being hot air and just write again.

I think a WIP would help, but which one y'know?

Hello from France!

epicionly — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 05:03:53 GMT

So the thing is that it's been waaaay too long, and I kid myself not when I just say I'm pretty much in love with my own rambles. I've been told I don't give an impression that I think everything I have to say is important--like when you put it that way, obviously not. However, I sort of come from a realm where I have loads of different ways of talking/writing sometimes, and really, I can't be expected to keep a daily diary. This journal's as close as it gets.

So France! Here to study, exciting, exciting. Things aren't going too bad.

So plans to get done on fic are two in particular. One, is Momo's auction fic AU where Jim works his way up to the ranks of Captain. It's been so long and quite frankly it's probably almost going to be SUPER LONG LIKE MOMO HAS WAITED FOREVER AND she's a gem. I'm just a super slow writer. I really need to hurry up. I used to be like the enviable youths who could upload once a day. That was amazing. People who can do that and keep quality and knowledge and understanding of where they want their story to go are amazing.

I haven't read in a while so I guess I could say that's impacted a lot about how fanfiction is now the majority of my influence on how I write fanfiction, but I remember when I was younger and words and action would just flow. I've been told my writing style has gotten better; less wordy ramble, more concise and precise over the years, even if my vocabulary has suffered for it.

I also, fun fact, used to use Word Web a lot to retain my new words; I love offline dictionaries. What I don't love is that when I need to format a laptop for some reason or another is that I lose them. I've lost at least 3 good heaping lists of offline dictionaries, which is why I'm so thrilled I found vocabulary.com. Mm what a delicious website! You can make lists, the definitions provide layman's terms, they also provide examples of it used in sentences, and you can test yourself/teach yourself/learn the words in different games, and I think that's brilliant.

Anyway, wowee, the Momo fic, and the second one is the Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters. I talk a lot of shit for someone who won't even upload, but I've so just wrapped up in the idea that it has to be perfect that I think I've forgotten to have fun with it--the stuff I initially set out to do with it. I'm really glad the me from 2012 left behind a lot of notes about where I wanted the story to go in the sequel, and it's really not a series I want to drop. Like definitely for sure I want to continue it one day, but it's very likely all the fun spontaneity of my youth and the fun times talking back and forth are gonna be harder to write. I had this precise image of what Jim was like; so I hope really I don't lose aspects of it.

Man, honestly, when you grow up, you lose so much and I think that's a pity. You also gain some, but sometimes, I wear rose-coloured spectacles.

There was Call It West which was meant to fill in the space between Mongo and the sequel, but I didn't like how short it was, or how it was written, even with Momo's help. I've uncovered also a document called Intermissions of the Brotherly Kind (oh, these titles lmfao). Can't recall it if went between Call It West and the sequel fic, but I do recall it had an arc all on its own that I found odd to have in the sequel fic because honestly the sequel fic starts off with Jim and Spock getting along well, and not an entire bucketload of Sam sentiment that...I coudn't figure out whether or not it belonged in Call It West or the sequel.

Anyway, no seriously, I came up with the best summary for Momo's fic:

"Cadet Kirk's performance during the Nero incident has proven his capacity to not only completely disregard orders, but showcase his hubristic willingness to break regulation without consideration for any consequences.

Final Decision: Would not recommend placement on the Enterprise."

Now tell me, is that not gold, or is that not gold? yOU WANNA READ IT AND SO DO I WANNAWRITE IT. IT'S LIKE HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT IT'S A CONSEQUENCES FIC IT'S AN ALTERNATE REALITY HOW IS THIS GONNA HAPPEN. I love those fics the most, but I'm always so picky about how they're written. The ones that do really make it into my Fics Forever history, and I guess you really want to write the kind of stuff you have fun with. Hubristic is kind of mouthful though, but the entire point of the story is that Jim is a bit....like Icarus of the Greek myths. Overconfident, prideful, and it leads to that downfall. I don't doubt Jim would find a way to bounce back though....maybe after the shock wore off.

I wish I could do the fun kinds of fics sometimes too. I think in a sense Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters fulfilled that. Also, man, Kingsman. I had so many ideas with Syph about that but the flame kind of died out. I still want to sort of add some stuff to it, but I really....it blew hard and then it sort of whoomfed out. I have some stuff for it I don't mind publishing because I wrote them all when I was excited, but I don't think I'll be saving new documents anytime soon (which huh...).

Also, the technical "okay, but what is the story really about" summary is thus too:

2009 movie AU where Jim works his way up the ranks, as he should have. However, with the five year mission drawing near and his own personal record under scrutiny, Jim is running out of time. If he can't guarantee his own placement on the very starship he's barred from, the Enterprise and her crew will leave--with, or without him.

Any suggestions which you like better? I'm preferring to go with the one that sounds like it came from a report, but this one establishes the who, what, why, and when--the constraints--which i always do love. However, honestly, this fic is an Enterprise crew fic more than all, so the nonrush of the first summary allows that sort of feeling. What think you?

Reflections

epicionly — Mon, 29 Jun 2015 07:39:42 GMT

If you read this, you're going to be privy to a lot of my personal mindset. In a sense, it's one of the most personal things I've posted so far on this journal, because I feel like if you read it, you're going to see a lot of how I think. And isn't that petrifying, in some sense? Of course, it's not....too private? It's just a lot of words and opinions I generally don't feel comfortable sharing. I'm more of a private person myself.

Quick unrelated thing: I have generally a lot of things to say on a topic, but I've found if I tell anything lengthy and windy to someone who isn't even involved in it, it doesn't really help that much. If anything, it makes me feel annoyed: 1) For just wasting my time talking all of anything out to someone who won't be able to give it back to me, and 2) For putting myself in that position in the first place. I like to think I have a lot of relevant, very good things to say, but at the same time, I'm mostly terrified of being proven wrong and corrected, and I just really long for someone who can handle me when I just want to talk. I've got a friend who really loves intellectual conversation, but I have a personal tendency to be swayed easily, so I'd rather just have it all laid out, I think.

I also am sad about my friend. I wish she was into Star Trek or interested in scifi. I feel like I shouldn't have talked all of that Star Trek to her cause really I let myself down.

I'd like to talk about topics like this. Or just, have someone read it. I think in the end, this thing I want to say isn't really something I want to argue about. I just want to have it out there, in my mind, and worded. I'd love to have a discussion that builds on the entire reason I wrote this essay, though. I'd really love that. So I guess in essence, the first part of this essay isn't necessary--except it is? Cause it explains the background behind why on earth I find this tidbit so fascinating and I love it.

The Fanfiction of Japanese Video Games vs Western TV Shows
(aka, I built up this essay so strong, but ended so weak because my drive to do it left me so w/e I guess, at least it's somewhat out there)

ANYWAY, let's start. To clarify, when I mention Japanese media, I mean a combination of Anime/Manga and their video games. When I say Western media, I mean mostly their TV shows (i.e. Sherlock, Supernatural, Prison Break, CSI). Though I know I should consider with some cartoons (Gravity Falls, Steven Universe), I'm looking at fanfiction/fanart from fandom as I've been in it, which means I primarily and specifically am focused on TV shows when I say Western media, however.

To begin with, there's something I've been noticing a lot lately, and it's mostly because I grew up and participated in fanfiction for Japanese media and then eventually moved onto Western media. There's a huge difference--what Japanese media tends to suffer if it's mostly in Anime/Manga is typecasting, very simplified personality traits, typecasting, and a whole slew of problems when it comes to identifying what a character would and wouldn't do in its fanfiction, its fanart, etc. It's easier to do this in Western media ( because they're reflections of people--they have flaws, they under go challenges, and it's generally written well plotwise--or if not real life, then realistic reactions and careful development and interesting dynamics. The character in A/M will lack such an established ground work--they're caricatures, for the most part, and appeal to only a certain demographic of the population who is willing to suspend belief and not hold same values to these A/M characters they way they would real people. We like the "idea" of these characters. They're like a fast-paced mcdonalds, and they're very relatable, and we don't have to hold them to the same flaws and disappointments of real life people.

That being said, I feel like Japanese video games also go through this, but they benefit from a strong storyline, and also strong characters, as much as some may be typecasted, or, in the case of a series called Kingdom Hearts (which I'll be comin back to, actually because the entire point of this essay was because I wanted to talk about one character in particular because of this one scene. This essay outlines both my working thought proccesses around these concepts, before I can move onto the actual character, and the sheer delight I find in Kingdom Hearts's complex characterization and phenomenal writing.

[There was a chance to talk about it, but I never got to, so I wanted to have it all written down. I have a tendency of forgetting. It's the same in real life, to be honest. If I don't say it right away, I'll forget. But in conversation, a lot of it just kind of sits out, so I wanted to establish what I wanted to say.

Also unrelated: I'm the biggest believer in the fact that the first draft is the best one. (Then again,that doesn't explain why when I write big bangs or stories I'm really concerned about, I write five million versions/drafts.)]

I established with a friend my beliefs about the entire fanfiction vs fanart ic/ooc: Fanfiction, a character or a cast being IC/OOC is more obvious in areas (Japanese specifically), but generally not much touched upon in Western media. I think it has a great deal to do with the fact that we've been getting a lot of kinks up in there (and y'know, with stuff like Kink Memes, it's all essentially popularizing the idea of just getting off with the kink first and not even caring too much about characterization), and by this time, the once and mighty "flame" reviews sort of disappear into this entire abyss. It's easier to find IC/OOC problems in fanfiction, but it's a lot harder in fanart.

Fanart is a larger interpretative artistic field on its own. A character can be drawn OOC be it body type (let's take, for example, an Ursula drawn skinny) or expression. However, there's a huge controversial (is it?) or is it just an argument currently ongoing between how a character is in their source media and how an artist chooses to convey it. I'd call it the Freedom of Interpretation. There's no bound rule that dictates an artist isn't allowed to choose to draw the canon character a different race, and by limiting this interpretation it sort of hinders and at the same time brings to the question about our ability to shape and mould the media as fans versus dictating what it SHOULD be and policing it.

Also should be included is the distinction of fanart's liberty as opposed to fanfiction (I find "Fun" is allowed and shared liberally with both fanart and fanfic because if it's under the name of fun, nobody's supposed to be considered too strict or serious anyway--but let's say we just nod to that and then exclude that for the sake of specifying this point) to do things. People don't think twice about art that puts two characters together. It's a visual medium. I feel seeing something rather than reading it as words--words is a little bit more personal, because it's inevitably you that creates the image; the words prompt. I feel often at times there's more satisfaction with fanfiction versus fanart because of how far it stretches across to soul (writing style, tone, character voice), and how rereading over and over again means so much more and soaks into you, because it's an act you participate in.

So, in essence, IC/OOC means a lot more to fanfiction because at the end of the day: Are you reading for the idea of these characters (OOC), or are you reading for them (IC+Interpretations that make sense ICly)?

Anyway, back to point, the IC/OOC thing of fanart/fanfiction is very important because that's what establishes Fandom. This is what fandom churns out, this is how fandom receives and interprets and churns out the material. I feel these days, we're focusing less on the IC things--I mean sure, it's appreciated, but at the end of the day, it's about mass production. I sound like an old person, but I think it's not a bad thing at the same time, to have more of the things you love. However, that also boils down to the fact that the quality of the things you love that Fandom provides can vary a lot, and that is where the IC/OOC comes from.

Really this part isn't that grand because I've since died out in enthusiasm from the beginning, so let's just say what it is.

I'm impressed. There's a scene in KH in which Axel comes and finds Kairi, and he says, "I tell ya Kairi, you've got a lot of guts, jumping right into the darkness like that." And props to the VA for bringing that element in it. Of sarcasm, mockery. When I heard him say that, saw him coming through the portal of darkness, I felt legitimately terrified in my soul. Maybe, if Vexen had had a heart this was the feeling Axel would have given him. This is the man who has burned a man alive. This is the man who will stop at nothing to turn Sora into a heartless.

Because I know his story in Days, I'm sympathetic to him, but I don't doubt that if I had watched KH2 first or played it, I would have hated him passionately. But because I see Days, I see a lot of things that hurt me. Sora's "Like I care" when told by Saix that Axel is looking for him. Roxas's memory supposedly coming back (or does it actually ever? fully? Is what we see as an audience the same everything Roxas receives) at the end of the prologue when Axel says, "Silly, just cause you have a next life", and that brief moment that Roxas and Axel share. I looked it up a lot and there's a novel someone linked to (http://stray-mikeneko.livejournal.com/952.html#cutid1), and a forum (http://forums.khinsider.com/kingdom-hearts-ii/153096-axels-death.html) that talked about Axel's death, and one particular potent part was:

I was actually under the impression from the story fragments I read that Axel wound up getting completely wrecked by Saix twice, the first time being when Saix stole Kairi from him and smacked him down with one of his shockwaves (after which Namine saves him and Riku calls him a wimp), and the second time being when Axel went back to try to retrieve Kairi from the Organization's clutches and caught a claymore to the chest for his efforts.

...Axel actually spends about half his time in the (translated extra scenes from the) novelization wracked by pain and wondering if he's going to die, actually. D="

I think I don't nkow a lot of stuff, but I just. It was terrifying. Axel's tone, and that's it.

In fanfiction, I don't doubt that Axel will be kind and caring to Xion and Roxas. And I don't doubt, as fans, we'll tease him, make fun of him a bit (i'm only a teeny tiny bothered when I'm stunned by how powerful a character he is, but then again, we make fun of Riku, so I just need to get over myself). Because it's primarily from a Japanese media that was localized worldwide (and it's one of the longest running fandoms on this side of the earth if we don't look at the FF series and is continually being updated), we have a lot of contribution from Fandom in both topics and throughout the years.

At the same time, I wonder if anyone's written exactly how fucking terrifying Axel is? (If they have, I'll tell you it hasn't been terrifying enough.) And at the same time, wouldn't it be a gem?

I have this thing, too, where....if I want to do it badly enough I'll mentally shit on whatever's out there for it enough because what I'm thinking is better than you did when you were writing it. It's kind of a mean thought, but it's what pulls me through. I like to think of it this way--if I don't have any goddamned confidence in my own writing, what's going to happen to me? I already depend a lot on other people's input of my stories to say they're good or not. I'd rather not remain so reliant when I used to be so independent. I want to be proud of my own works, to be able to point out, yes yes I did that, and not be ashamed.

I don't want to be wrong. I write right.

I write just the right way for me.

Which is why, really, I think everyone should write the fanfiction they want to read, along with just reading it. You may just be surprised I think.

My final line gets away from me because that wasn't even the intention when I started, but I like this. I like having a journal. It's nice. Thank you for stopping by!

Realism and the Historical Fiction

epicionly — Sun, 10 May 2015 19:54:26 GMT

One thing I've always been sort of learning (and yearning and wanting) to regain is my ability to write realism. In the 2010-2013/2014(?)-ish era, I distinctly tailored my style to wean off exagerrations and a bit more believable actions, because a friend of mine preferred realism, and of course, I definitely wanted to shove things at her that she liked. At the same time, I feel like this is where I'm at an impasse.

I lack realism, in the strictest sense of the word. I think that fanfic pulls it away from us, in any sense. Words become our medium, so it's all based off imagination and impression--fanfic vs original; hence the entire reason why whenever fanfic comes around, characters will generally become 'fanfic versions' of themselves, in a sense. In AUs (I'm talking the ones strictest away from canon, ex. coffee shop au, etc instead of 'what if X happened instead of X', we tend to lose sight of who they are and the circumstances that create them, because in AUs, you retain bits of who you recognize that they are. There's a flaw in AUs in which we change around dynamics and lose a lot of canon basis, and as a result as much as it's fun, we enter this zone opposite of the realism. This change is particularly noticable in series based off realism (ex. TV I guess? I feel like TV shows with Real Life holds a lotmore solidity than the Fantasy genres, but anyway).

Am I making sense? I feel like I'm confusing myself. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think that with how we've modernized HOW fanfic is written (when Harry Potter was the big thing, there wasn't really a big difference between how fanfics were written stylistically versus today, which boasts a primary style of 3rd person present as opposed to past--and also how we tend to skim on the showing and development and moving faster (does that make sense?)) we have forgotten how to return back to roots--or at least, I have, for sure.

I lack realism in my writing. I'm writing something based historically in a post-WW2, and I can't paint the picture. I can't establish the setting, the feeling of real people, like how you'd see sometimes in historical movies. And this is saddening, I guess. I know how to establish the situation. I just don't--I need to be grounded. And that's hard, I guess. When you've written a lot of fanfiction and you're used to a certain establishment of liberty with how things can be written. How you don't need to paint pictures, everyone's just focused on the characters.

But I want to write realism. Realism as defined by this page, especially by the characteristics it lists:

Faithful representation of life

Concentrating on middle-class life and preoccupations

Scenes of humble life

Criticism of social conditions

Characters are in centre of interest as opposed to a plot

Subjects portrayed with simplicity and respect but little elaboration

Honest, matter-of-fact style

Objects or figures are represented impartially and objectively

That's so compelling. That's gorgeous. I want that, but I don't know where to start with writing like that, in an honest matter-of-fact style, if doing everything like that.

The story's about a 42-year-old British man (Dan). WW2 has ended, and the Russian POW (Ivan) who has been working on his farm is set to be returned back to the Soviet Union as per the agreement Churchill made with Stalin. There were anti-Communist Russians fighting alongside the Germans in WW2 for a whole chunk of reasons, and Ivan had served his own time in some Russian prisoner camps himself. The story's about...a small moment of happiness they both share together. That just--connection with each other. And then it ends with realism. The realism that there isn't really happy or sad endings in life. There are just endings. You meet, you both become something to each other for the while (or maybe it's only that case for one? and for the other person, you're just someone they've met that they'll forget when they go, or maybe think of you out of nowhere years later and wonder what could've been or wonder why), and things never become something out of that.

This story begins and ends and lives with realism. And that is the tragedy in its roots.

I don't really believe in romance being for everywhere. I believe 'romance' in the sense that it usually employed and used reflects more about the kissing and the affection and the togetherness of being in love. But in this sense, in this story I want to tell, I don't want to tell a romance. I want to tell...compelling? That feeling when you meet someone, and you know they're incredible. Like that subtle feeling. The trope is Manic Dream Pixie Girl I think, but like--subtled a bit? They're that someone who changes your life, yes. But it's just. If you don't connect with them, it'll be a missed connection you wish you'd done so.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it does.

I just...I want to so bad. But can I even know how to start? How do I? I've started over and over again, and scrapped so much. It's hard. It's really hard.

feel out of my skiiinnn

epicionly — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 23:46:29 GMT

Unmotivated. Feeling distinctly self-loathing. Also want to restart myself from point zero. Ever get that feeling?

Yeah. We'll see how long that lasts, because I kind of want to get in good grip to write.

Fun fact: Now and again, whenever I remember to log in on LJ, I like to update. I think it has something to do with the fact that I like reading other people's journals/blogs when I chance upon them, and I like to check up on their most recent ones. I think I've mentioned this before, but I always feel like it's...kind of sad when they don't update anymore.

Reminder of life! Reminder I'm alive and that I haven't abandonned the internet! (I'm going to cry so hard when Tumblr gets deleted because I have too many thoughts and memories and lots of writing and meta stored there. Someone needs to figure out how to back them up...)

I hail from a life where every stage of mine growing up I had an entirely different online identity. With that being said, y/n on changing AO3 username to easyongo. That was my tumblr's original url, but I've since changed it to match Syph's.

update + friday excitement

epicionly — Tue, 24 Mar 2015 00:03:35 GMT

SO I'm unnaturally pumped for Friday. Gonna get to see Syph in person (we were going to go last Tuesday, but she had a uni tour, and I had class, so pfft), and we're gonna watch the Kingsman movie. I'm a little miffed she got to watch earlier, but that's alright. She's got brilliant ideas, we're gonna take over the world--it's awesome. We've already got a title for either the series or a fic: Enterprising Young Aces. I made it as a pun on Enterprising Young Men from the Star Trek soundtrack as a shout-out to our We Ain't Interested In Yer Genitals Solidarity club, but I actually really am fond of it.

On the other hand, I have no idea what is going on with me. My brain's in full vacation fic mode--or at least, it's been for a while. Syph and I spent at least a good 4-5 hours yesterday talking and catching up. I managed to finish So the Sun Rises Over Seleya. I began writing it probably close to a few days or the same day (I don't remember), when I found out Leonard Nimoy passed. I was in class that Friday. I felt so emotionally stoned to death, and I couldn't think over it. I'm so glad for William Shatner and the rest of the cast and Leonard Nimoy's family saying that we should celebrate his life. It helped. It took a while to write it out too--I had like six drafts, and I couldn't understand why I wasn't satisfied, what wasn't passing. Syph helped me go through it. She's a beaut.

It originally started off with T'Cyph going through the motions of the ceremony, and everyone sharing what it was that they thought, and her just--basically she would speak my thoughts? She was an outsider to all of this and the like. But Syph commented on how a lot of it was focused on her as opposed to Spock Prime as was my original intention, so I ended up trying to figure it out. It changed a lot to just a Vulcan kid speaking "I grieve with thee" to Bones and Jim--helping Jim and he in turn her, when it came to how we should view Leonard Nimoy's passing. This fic was something I really wanted out there, from me. I've had letters I've wanted to send lingering in my documents folders, and I didn't want this with his. Thank you, Leonard Nimoy, for what you've influenced and inspired in all of us.

As for fic: still need to work on Momo's, and I've been scrapping so many versions it's ridiculous. Earlier versions had the implication everyone was going back to school (lol), but then I realized Nero killed a lot of their starships. I realize that to be honest, they wouldn't send everything--there's bound to be other ships on patrol, some even on their own short-term less-than-5 year missions out there. I realized also it'd be a bit impractical because these guys were on THEIR WAY to serving on actual starships, which is why they got sent out in the first place (aka already graduating).

The original prompt of Momo's was a gen fic in which we would see Jim work his way up from cadet to Captain like he was supposed to. I figured it would mean rank after rank after rank, but in all honesty, after hunting through Memory Alpha, and Jim being in Advanced Tactics (thatta boy), he would have started his Starfleet career as a Lieutenant, two ranks higher than Chekov, who is Ensign, but who was so brilliant and scored so well they put him him on the Enterprise. I realized there was a problem with that: promotions don't come in, and there's gonna be no conflict. But I've got a plan--not gonna tell, though. Jim's gonna be so livid about it.

Also, what on earth is Starfleet situation post-Nero? Everyone in fandom makes it a big deal and stuff and it comes through in Star Trek Into Darkness, but like...what if Starfleet kept it a secret? Here's like a section I wanted to use in the beginning, but--BUT. That's the thing. The story's not about a what-if Starfleet doesn't make Nero a big thing (i mean, he was only terrorizing ONE of the Federation planets and destroyed it, but not the entire universe? They probably in the AOS-verse send a Starfleet specops team to either kill him to prevent it from happening again, or I have no idea.). No idea if I'll keep it in the end product, but still:

Downtime on Earth is astoundingly quiet. Jim supposes he’s got Starfleet PR to thank for that, and the fact that outside of his last name, public knowledge of him is that of an Academy grunt at best. The moment he passes the psyche and physical exams, he’s called in for some meetings himself, where an irate looking Admiral reads the room the Official Secrets Act and tells them to keep their silence.

Searching reveals Vulcan’s population is six billion inhabitants, that the Consulate is welcoming visitors, that is open for a work/study permit application like it is every year and that Vulcan’s tourism sector is popular among geologists and desert-living species. It’s as though the Nero incident never happened. Which is—how can you do that? It’s too big. It’s affected one of the big names that have founded the Federation. And most of their starships in dockyard are gone. People are dead. Starfleet can’t keep quiet on this. That can’t be right.

Sulu helpfully supplies him with Uhura’s comm number, when they’re in a pub together for that drink he promised. Somehow, you’d think it’d taste better you now share a transcendent bond, but it’s really no different. “She’s in communications,” he says, with a shrug. “She’ll know.”

Uhura, when Jim messages her, says, You don’t have someone else to bother?

Once he convinces her that Sulu forwarded him over, Uhura tells him the long and short of it: Vulcan space is wrapped up in bureaucratic hush-hush, and its multiplanetary system is cut off—though it’s not really one anymore once its primary planet is gone. Trade ships are forbidden entry, and there’s a designated new route set up, while Starfleet is sending towships to clean up all the debris and pick up survivors. The neighbouring systems, specifically the Andorians who live next door, are told it’s just procedure.
There have been some court inquiries for an illusion of populace control, before Starfleet silenced investigations on it. The rest is rank-classified.

That’s fucked up, is all he can really say. They’re not even telling you guys?

They’re trying to pretend it never happened. Nobody needs to know Starfleet’s crippled.

Still. Figured it was bad, but hell.

She replies, a moment later, You don’t even know the half of it.

How so?

Not just the brass. The people’ll do it too, eventually.

The same month Jim is cleared for semi-active duty, the snow’s begun falling on San Francisco soil, and the mediacomm networks read everything about the festivities, as though the dead count doesn’t matter. And as different religions and species celebrate, hundreds of voices on the extranet that once fought against Starfleet’s media blackout on Vulcan eventually are redirected towards the lustre and tinsel of commercial holidays.

That’s how you play the game, Jim realizes.

Instead of saying, I told you so, Uhura’s message is this:

Captain Pike’s looking for you. Do you even check your inbox?

boop. I'm out.

THOUGHTS

epicionly — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 23:27:48 GMT

Over Christmas, I had a good opportunity to rewatch Star Trek into Darkness, and I had so many questions (I tried to rewatch it slowly one more time but I ended going back and forth in the first ten minutes of the movie for a good half-hour scribbling away thoughts and questions and commentaries ~~i should be a commentary reel~~).

I also finished reading Diane Carey's Best Destiny and it is so, so good. So, so good. Really helped clear a lot of air on what kinds of things Jim's like--like I was always kind of iffy in terms of my Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters headcanon of a young Jim. I tend to figure that, even if kids are all good at heart, they kind of get into trouble, or they can be brats or mean or just in your face and obnoxious, and growing up is a fact of life that comes acquainted with a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of real life issues, etc.

I feel like that fic is all everything about me lecturing about growing up haha and that I've repeated my intentions with it in like five million different ways. I'm still really glad people like it. I really like it. I miss it. I also miss being able to write pages on pages really easily. Slow writer, ugh.

Anyway, Best Destiny is so good.

Also there was a part in it--I'd type it up, but I'm sincerely too lazy, but there was a section in which it mentioned that even though Spock would've been a more stable, etc captain, he just wouldn't. Some people just didn't want it.

AND THAT MADE ME GO !!!!!!!!!!!! Because the AO3 fic for Momo was about a Spock is Captain not Jim post-2009 movie AU, and Jim working his way back up into the ranks. And then it's like, if Spock doesn't want it in the canon, why would he want it in the AU? And I was thinking a whole lot of stuff: external factors (ex. destruction of Vulcan, near extinction of his people, a more human-focused half-Vulcan, etc). It's interesting too because AOS Spock is actually really different from TOS Spock in a lot of ways.

Anyway, just thoughts.

PRogress report!

epicionly — Sun, 03 Aug 2014 03:21:36 GMT

Working now on Momo's AO3 fic. Finally! I've already had a bit (2k?) written from before. I think I took inspiration from the Graduate Vulcan for Fun and Profit fic. Man, I did like that tone! The research on that thing was phenomenal. Where did the information about the pre-reform versus modern vulcan language come from? I wanna know!

I'm kind of laughing though. God. I've only really got three povs so far: Jim's, which is first; Spock's, which takes place earlier on in the fic; and Pike's which should be among the last. Team Done With Jim Kirk's Shit is my jam. But there's this really nice like (there are two jokes which i can't wait to use for Uhura and Kirk's conversation--also can't wait to sort of highlight like that big difference I saw from the 2009 and 2013 films of their relationship).

I love team fics. I'm gonna have a good time with this one. I also need to rewatch 2009 to get back my fresh writer feelings (this fic is an AU and I am so in love), but I can tell this is going to be a fun ride.

Also, hooray for entertaining povs!

Update!JiJim

epicionly — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 01:12:49 GMT

Haven't posted in the longest time. Makes me feel kind of awkward about that; sorry. I absolutely have no idea if anyone reads my livejournal entries, but I find that even if it's probably not now, someone will definitely come check one day (that was me with checking out blogspots or blogs for whatever reason and then getting super sad they didn't keep updating). So, still here. Finished summer class and I am a special exception in my program because I didn't have the required amount of credits but the head of the French Studies department was so kind to help me out, and get me into also a morning class;;; (I tell you, I will definitely want to absolutely get an A average next year, because the year after, I want to go to Quebec on an exchange! My best friend lives there and it'd really be heaven on earth to see her everyday or close to, ~~even if she's not into Star Trek~~.)

So A Renaissance of Human Emotion is done, which, hooray! I'm still in the betaing stages with Momo (I am honestly quite frankly so lucky to have her and her support) AND THERE MIGHT BE A SMALL REWRITE OF A PARTICULAR SCENE (but it is probably gonna be minimal or whateve rit turns out to be so I wouldn't worry), and IIIIII STILL REALIZE god that a lot of people have been waiting on Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters verse.

I've been waiting on it, too, to be fairly honest. I also want to finish rewriting my draft of Call It West. It takes place like in an unknown specific amount of time between Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters and its sequel (which got drafted like in the post-fic writing high of writing Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters, so you know it's still good) and is basically about Jim's dealing primarily with Sam leaving in a more personal kind of light (which I'm kind of worried about because my writing style and focus have both changed a lot so I'm worried it might not be the same tone you'd get from reading MSFTT (my friend and I decided to shorten it it is probably the best idea yet)).

I'm honestly struggling whether or not I want to sort of make Call It West just a standalone kind of insight piece or just use that as a transition one for real (to reveal what happened in between the time, the actual events before I reach the sequel (who document-wise is called Post). Is this fic about Sam and Jim, or is it about Jim and the effects of Sam's disappearance in his life?

I want a more human, lonely element to it, is all. The one that says, Nobody gets me the way I want to be understood. I think it's really sad when people who we loved for so long and were so close to move on. It's also really hard, y'know, to just think to yourself, ohyeah? FINE. I didn't need you anyway. We're all really used to really fond memories. We like happy ones. I think Jim does too, but things are always a little harder post it happening. Cause--you end up thinking, right? About the what-ifs. About the good times. About if you had done this instead of this--and I don't think that Jim doesn't live one day thinking that if he hadn't gone to Spock Prime, he might've been able to go with Sam. And maybe that would've been better than here.

I really like connections.

Hrmm i feel like whatever media I've absorbed recently has bled into my writing

Update

epicionly — Sat, 12 Oct 2013 04:02:29 GMT

Okay so haven't written here in a while, and i figure I should because writing in this journal is literally the equivalent to talking to myself, only with a more organized thought pattern (hopefully). So the thing is the deal, goddamn, I actually think I can do and finish my Star Trek Big Bang (which really has evolved from the K/S Big Bang, but which is just as well because there's zero romantic inclinations aboard this starship here, Keptin).

I also want to murder the United States Code in about a million bitty pieces and wish I'd known sooner about the Overview of Military Justice pdf and that court scenes weren't such a bitch to write (even as arguably best at flowing without interruptions or breaks out of all the scenes in this bang).

I also really hope anyone who actually knows military justice will not come out of nowhere, kill me, and hide the body because I'm only really going by one instant of court-martial from the TOS, and it was a scene of Jim's investigations inquiry, so anyway yeah.

I'm also kind of sad because I ended up pooping away (not literally) a lot of the previous things I wanted in my big bang. I guess you can't win 'em all, and especially since conception to finish or to some kind of draft never is easy! Or too similar, come to think of it. Literally, military and science procedures kind of really got pushed to the background in favour of character relations.

I hope nothing is too ridiculous.

/sweats furiously

thoughts tho

epicionly — Mon, 19 Aug 2013 02:20:27 GMT

god, I just

DeanCasBigBang mods are some of the most fantastic people around and I seriously do not deserve their kindness

but yeah, focus on one big bang do it punk do it i can do this

epicionly — Mon, 19 Aug 2013 02:15:28 GMT

Okay, I've narrowed down what I'm still always freaking about for this big bang:

HOW TO WRITE:
-Jim's complex characterization (THIS ASSHOLE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BECAUSE I'VE LOOKED AT HIM AND ANALYZED ABOUT A MILLION TIMES AND I CAN'T GET OVER HOW COMPLEx AND HOW FAUCETED HE IS WOW HOLY SHIT, I JUST WANT TO DO IT JUSTICE BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SHOW IT??? I'm guessing it'd need to be a gradual constant but god, this takes a lot of steps back to look at it, which is HARD, as I'm finding, FUCK HOPE I DO IT WELL)
-Big plots encompassing more than a handful of characters (thus permitting also the emotional transfer of "secondary" characters onto the POV)
-Military/Medical/Science procedures
-Proper Tone/Voice/Sentiment bleed that isn't just one emotion overall (BECAUSE THIS IS MY WEAKNESS FUCK)
-Decisions on whether or not to base it multi POV without losing the interest--or what POV to use entirely

GOD I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN WITH THIS BIG BANG AND I THINK I WOULD, but I'm not the planning type, and definitely more of the organic writer type, so holy fucking shit, I need to definitely learn how to do this, because goddamn I want to be proud of it

God, god. You guys, you have no idea how much I want this fic out. Like wanting a magnum opus everytime you write to just pop out from your fingers, but you're at a level where you can't even see how it's possible, but you know you want it so much.

Also on the Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters sequel

epicionly — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 04:16:17 GMT

It's all because of Syph.

Just remember that.

Sequel won't be coming out anytime soon (maybe in three months or around December), but Call It West might be. I don't know when though. Big Bang, AO3 fics. Those are my focus.

I can do this.

Confession

epicionly — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 04:05:53 GMT

I may or may not be panicking right now.

Fuck.

HOW DO YOU WRITE MILITARY FICS I JUST. CAN I EVEN DO THIS? HOLY SHIT. God fuck.

I think Starfleet is Marines. It ain't Army, for like a billion reasons because there's like Fleet Admiral and etc of Admiral ranks but just shit man. Shit. I don't know how to apply. Chain of command is one thing but geebus.

Still writing but just shaking my head. I'm not sure where this fic is going. I'm worried.

epicionly — Wed, 22 May 2013 00:54:22 GMT

K/S Big Bang DATES:
May 31st — Artist and Writer sign-ups end.
May 31st — Rough drafts and summaries due for Writers that would like an Artist.
June 2nd — Artist claims.
June 15th — Check-In #3 (Mandatory)
June 16th — Posting Date Claims.
June 22nd — Posting Schedule Revealed.
June 24th — Artist rough drafts due for those attached to a Writer.
July 1st-15th — Posting.

Dean/Cas Big Bang DATES:
July 1 - Check in
July 15 - Upgrade/Downgrade
August 15 - Drafts due
August 20 - Claims masterpost: A post will go up listing the author/artist pairings as well as the fic summaries. At this point authors and artists will be asked to list their availability during the posting period. This is the point where authors and artists need to make contact with each other. It's imperative that authors send a copy of their fic to their artist asap so that work can commence.
August 31 - Posting schedule masterpost: - A list of which authors/artists will post on which date. It is important that the authors/artists agree which of you will post the masterpost to the community on your allocated day
October 1 - Posting begins

Alright, so.

TRY TO GET K/S BIG BANG DONE BY UH END OF THE MONTH (DEAR FUCKING GOD THAT MOVIE)

WORK ON DEAN/CAS BIG BANG (or actually FINISH WATCHING THE FUCKING SEASON 8 BECAUSE GEEBUS CRISIS I'M GONNA DIE BY FINALE AREN'T I FFFFF THANK GOD THE FIC IS BASED WITHIN CANON SEASON 8 or how about no nono bad idea self0.

WORK ON AO3 AUCTION FIC (holy shit though SpockPrime/Jim and canon-based post-2009 fic WHY ARE ALL MY AUCTIONERS SO GOOD TO ME /cries)

I can do this.

WHOA THERE

epicionly — Wed, 22 May 2013 00:53:19 GMT

Update update UPDATE about things.

So last Saturday I saw Star Trek Into Darkness, and now I have a lot of explorative feelings (MOSTLY BECAUSE FUCK YES MY MILITARY AND POLITICAL FIC THAT I WANT TO WRITE--the fic There Were Few When There Were Many will be put on hold--or at least, it's probably not gonna happen, but I will transfer my knowledge onto this new fic WHICH IS GONNA BE FANTASTICALLY EXPLORATIVE and attempting at angst. Because everybody wants a little angst except for me. I cry because most probably if I wasn't the one writing it, I would be nope-ing out of here into the next century AHAHA. Therefore, K/S Big Bang is gonna be a 2013 fic. wHOO. Will be set post-movie, so fuck yeah. I've even got my own muse alpha reader hehehehe BLESS THE WORLD OF PEOPLE WHO KNOW GR8 CHARACTERIZATION AND HAVE MY BRAIN ON THEIR WAVELENGTH

With that being said, DEAN/CAS BIG BANG IS GONNA BE GR8 and is also gonna be somewhat/???? it's an unorthodox thing mostly because something happens and it's not really a spoiler but I'd rather not say, but it blew my mind when I was discussing it with my beta.

ALSO AO3 AUCTION FIC FEELINGS. Both fics are being written as I speak right now, but it's so emotional hrnghgh. I gotta take a step back. AhAHAHA. Good thing there's not much, err, deadline for these ones.

JUST SIGHING AND SO HAPPY A LOT JUST I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS

PAAANIIIIIIC

epicionly — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 16:11:43 GMT

In a 'well, shit, I'm pretty sure that I would not be cool if that Dean/Cas fic turned out shittier than I wanted to', so now I'm at a loss as to what to do for my Dean/Cas big bang. I sure want it canon-based, though, because it's kind of my theory that if you don't write anything substantially canon-based, you miss out a bit, and then nobody knows if you ca do it and just look at all your AUs. Uh, nevermind about my Star Trek canon fics.

Okay, so definitely, gonna work on the Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters sequel for my K/S Big Bang (I dunno if any of you read this, but I always feel really obnoxious getting really self-pumped up about these things, but really it's just me trying to encourage and inspire myself because if I don't do it, I'm not even going to try, a kind of it all starts with you, you know?), and its WIP name is Post. I still haven't finished Call it West, and I still need to write that telepathic!Jim fic from the comment meme because holy cow another several months and it'll be a year, poor prompter. I hope that prompter's account hasn't been deleted though... LJ and its mass deletion oh come on.

Urgh. Got into the french program J'Explore, though, so errrr, worried worried worried. But it says 'communication', and communication is defined only with two people. So. Uh.

Well, technicalities. Go me, in the most sighing context ever.

Still fffffffffff, I don't want to do my Lily for the Spectre. GREAT NAME GREAT CONCEPT, and it would probably be better written by someone who's not me, but NO YOU CAN'T HAVE IT because I am a selfish and suspicioso person and just in general really with no context.

Yikes.

How to, how to.

SNOW-IN

epicionly — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 00:35:10 GMT

You know that one moment people get, when they wish really hard for a snow day so that they won't have to do the test they have the day after? Well, that was me, only I'm not so much as in high school anymore.

Still. MIRACLES HAPPEN.

Still. I ended up spending several hours shovelling everything. But still, that's a small price to pay for getting granted another week to be able to study for a test ahaha.

Several things I'm insecure about: the big bangs. They're coming soon and by my word, I swear I am not ready. Especially for the Dean/Cas one. That one deals with a finality and theme that I would prefer to write on my own pacing. Three months? While writing another big bang? I'm not sure I can do it. I'm so scared. I really want to do that justice.

But I also know that if I don't push myself to finish them, they'll never be done.

So I'm hoping I can do it, I am worrying so much, and I'm nervous.

On the bright side, I should probably take advantage of what time I have left to start on my essays, that Valentine's thing art, and for my fallacy test (not excepting the other test for my English Grammar class). Which is a laugh, really, considering my grammar lives on the rocks somewhere under the earth and refuses to come out.

I'm not that wordy right now, but it may either be from Nature's reminder that I live in Canada, or that geez, it's cold, or that I'm not really hungry but I should eat dinner anyway. I'm the type of person who believes you should have all three meals a day if you can. And just something to eat.

I just want to lie down and sigh a lot.

On the bright-side, went to see Comment-fic again and got so many good prompts. I don't finish them (see what I mean about if I don't get forced, they'll never get done?), because what I do with them is that I put them in an e-mail to myself and then sort that e-mail into a folder I have called "comment-fic". Within those e-mails I either generally have a sample of what I've started and then my idea and concepts and themes in the [commentary brackets] for myself.

I'm telling you, I don't ever run out of ideas, but I'm very hard pressed to finish them. Everything becomes too built up to the point that I realize that either it's impossible to be filled in a single comment-fic, or that I'm already instinctively realizing the effort and time that I would need to put into that fic, which I don't have.

My patience for a fic is somewhat relative to if I have any support on it. I guess that makes me kind of blase in a way, but eh.

FUCK

epicionly — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 04:49:44 GMT

OH MY GOD SOME HORRIBLE AND BRILLIANT WRITER TOOK A TWIST ON THE SAM LEAVING THE FAMILY CANON AND TURNED IT INTO A JIM LEAVING THE CANON

AND IT'S RIGHT HERE AND IT'S HORRIBLE AND BRILLIANT

HORRIBLE BECAUsE HOLY SHIT IT HURTS LIKE NO ONE'S BUSINESS TO READ

AND BRILLIANT IN THAT IT PACKS A WHOPPING PUNCH AND YOU'LL Be thinKIN G ABOUT IT FOREVER

As a writer I admire it profusely

AS A READER I HATE IT BECAUSE OH MY GOD NOW I'M CRYING ON THE GROUND AND WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THAT DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY

I'm going to cry

epicionly — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 04:39:59 GMT

of just...excitement and nervousness and everything in myself, okay? But it's a good cry.

A confession I have: I want my fics to mean something sometimes. I don't want to just type them up for the stories; I used to do that, you know? But then a friend showed me that stories are significant. When you write, you should write to say something.

And the thing is, I have to confess too about my first Big Bang: Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters.

For romance, yes? Much as I enjoy reading it, I'm none too fond of the two characters going and falling in love so fast right off the bat. I like writing my gradual romances (though of course there are always exceptions to the rules), and so you see, along with the development of Spock and Jim's relationship, there was the background happening of Jim's life. Things that changed, things that affected him, things that changed how he interacted with both Spocks.

And I loved that. I loved that I was able to do that.

Just as I love just how much I'm getting an idea for my Dean/Cas 2013 Mini/Big Bang. I've already decided it'll have five parts. I've already had the ending written. I already know what will happen in each part. Along the backdrop of the inevitable, Dean and Cas's relationship will be even more--I mean, not to say that it's even more; but those small moments, those everything. Everything that makes me cry and just. I'm so nervous I won't be able to do this justice.

I want people to understand that this story means something to me. I'm not sure if I'll have the overall talent; because as a writer, you need to be able to look over your work at a distance sometimes, be able to tell if something's out of character or if something's too self-indulgent. Because this isn't about you as a writer when you write. When you write, you're helping to tell their story, you're dictating what happens, but you aren't--well, you aren't Chuck, right? Not a prophet of the lord, not the visions, not things. But you learn and you watch, and you follow through their journey and just.

Fuck.

I'm going to get so emotional over this big bang.

AND THEN THERE'S THE K/S BIG BANG ONE WHICH ISn'T GOING TO BE A FUCKING WALK IN THE PARk EITHER OH MY GOD I'M SO NERVOUS each of them only have like three months hhHRNGHGGH.

And what-ho

epicionly — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 04:51:50 GMT

Went back to Comment-FIc last night and found an Endverse!Castiel prompt that I am just all over. Which also reminds me of the telepathic!Jim prompt that I sorely am tiptoeing around because it's a great concept and I want to take my time with it. That was like guuhhh maybe five months ago. Yikes.

Full of update and I am not cool in my kool-aid. Applying for this french program over the summer and then I read its policies--I mean, I probably shouldn't have been surprised, but holy shit.

I'm supposed to "s'exprimer" in French, in all forms of communication, written, spoken, or typed. Like okay, I dig if it's chatroom or anything, but now I am HOLY SHIT PANICKING because geebus fuck, that logically means I'm not allowed to write any fics in English. Also, how does that mean I'll be posting? Most likely I'll be breaking the rules, so the only way not to break that "Code" that all students must sign--oh man, I just hate it. They can kick you out if you break it. And dude, as much fun as Quebec should be, I am really unhappy.

I don't want to apply. What I guess I CAN do is try to get a grasp of writing in French, but I'm really unhappy. I might be a little whiny, I guess, but my writing and my fics are a kind of precious spot. Idk, I'm just really opposed to typing them out in French, mostly because my vocabulary, and grammar leave a lot to be desired and at least in English, I have leeway. English is also the best way and form for me to self-communicate so aruarurughg.

Let's hope to honest fucking god that I don't get accepted this year. That would be best. Same thing as if I didn't make it in the Education program, because holy shit, no thank you, I don't want to be teaching kids. I am horrible at teaching kids. I can one-on-one tutor, but teaching a group? Oh noooo, that is a lot of a political can of worms I don't want to open. I've former high school classmates who were lovely people who were absolutely rude and mean to supply teachers/teachers who weren't there full-time. Fuck. I don't want to spend my life doing this. Let me figure out a plan one day. Holy hella do I hate the idea of university. I wish we could all do what we wanted. And I probably should just do what I want, but I know for sure that I don't want to be teaching kids.

Erugh, my regular part-time has other people on the shifts I could take, so essentially I am kind of job-less (but if they call me, I can take up the shift for them? Okay, that's like being a reserve part-timer, which, cool and all, but I need moneyyyy this is not a whiny concern of someone below 20, this is just emotional security). Gotta job hunt but everything needs cover letters and resumes, pardon my lack of accent aigu over the e.

Oh man, for my DeanCas fic, I think the plan I made for it...is really big. Shit. Death's in it though, and I have a (not concrete) but a completely malleable concept to go from. I imagine it'll just take time rather than stressing at how a part will be going. I'm pretty sure this will be over 10k, CONGRATULATIONS ON OVERACHIEVEMENTS, SELF. I am a natural overachiever in the beginning, but most of the time I can't pick up slack. I'll have to. Oh, goodness, yeah.

Still haven't planned a bigger outline for the Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters sequel yet. What the hell do I even name it oh my god.

I really am going to have to toughen up. One of the reasons Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters took me so long was because I didn't want to type it and left it off for several months and never looked twice; the only reason this big bang even got finished was because I pushed myself and abandoned the other ones before it was too late to be barred from the next year's round. I worked endless and hard on writing most of the story two/three days before Amnesty Week and spent the 6 hour (???WHAT IS TIME???) typing it in the car and hating myself and watching the battery and just working and hating, and working and crying.

Yikes though. Big BANGS ARE TORTURE WHY.

SO I GOT A PLAN

epicionly — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 14:20:12 GMT

AND WHILE I HAVEN'T GOTTEN PROPER FIC WRITTEN, I AM SO GON DO THIS SHIT, MAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

That being said, here goes the plan.

So for Big Bangs?

Yeah, man, two big bangs. I was hoping for overkill last year what with hoping for three big bangs, but this year, two is good because last year I only really ended up with one. And I've come to accepting that at least one of my fics will not be perfect. It's okay, it's cool. Those of you who polish off six a year should be proud, just as how those of you who do one a year should be too. These things are a marathon.

So I have the Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters sequel lined up for the K/S Big Bang, and I have a DeanCas fic grounded in canon, hopefully for the DeanCas MiniBang. I won't be doing Star Trek Big Bang this year, even if it does disappoint me, but seeing as the sequel for my big Mongoshitfacedtabletwisters fic will hopefully be as worth reading as its predecessor was a 40k beautiful monster baby, I want to put as much as I can give, and not just the K/S Big Bang 15k minimum requirement.

So unknown amount for a big bang, and a 10k minimum for a minibang. Mostly because last year's incident taught me to be a bit realistic. And 20k is not what I need or want to achieve in a third big bang. Mentally exhausting as it all is and however tired I am right now. Had fun today, but when I came home, I ended up sitting on the stairwell with a mug of water beside me and just not wanting to go to bed but agreeing for its help anyway, and just sitting there with the laptop on my lap.

Also, do forgive me. I think in my writing, and hopefully this'll help organize me.

K/S Big Bang signup for round 1 started April and lasted until June.
DeanCas MiniBang signup started April and ended in May.

What my concerns should be is the time I have to write for each of them.

K/S Big Bang has a July check-in. There is the one for the artists and mixer, but I don't believe I'm going to have much of a faith for finishing by June (three months? I don't trust myself). If I do ignore that, and look at the final deadline, it's only three months. Last time I had to have Amnesty Week, which mean posting before September 1st (five months, and I'm hoping that won't be necessary, so four months by August--I know now to it'd be better to choose a later date). They're a very welcome group with weekly discussion posts and are very friendly.

I have a July check-in DeanCas, while having a July check-in (it's only really for upgrade/downgrade--they leave you alone for the most part, it's very mature and very little hand-holding--YIKES! 8Ca), requires me to be done by August. There is just the plan, and then the result, which isn't bad, but I should be equally focused--however, they've said something in the FAQ about Minibang authors having only half of the Big Bang three months period time.

Both of them will take the same time period. ~~Both of them are four months long.~~ They're both three months.

My classes will end in May. I have an idea what I will be doing for the K/S Big Bang, but nothing for my DeanCas (being that my previous year's idea is something I'd rather spend a lot of time on--does this mean that next year, I'll only be able to do one big bang? hrnghgh only time and ability will tell I guess...). I should do my DeanCas first~~, so as not to rush. 10k, April, this is what I'll be starting on, I guess.~~ because BALLS. Mostly not of my own, mostly because FUCK SHIT.

Okay so. Gameplan:
K/S Big Bang will take most of my time. This is a fact.
DeanCas should not, but I want to give it good effort.

Should I all focus or gradually focus on each? I'm not sure. I guess I'll see, but even then, hhrnghggh. Outline for the K/S Big bang, I am so grateful for you, even if you aren't finished.

So you know

epicionly — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 19:47:02 GMT

I think Supernatural is pretty fa-chill on the wa-choo-go-you times punch myself in the face and bleed out from my soul by the power of a low cupboard smacking you right in the vagina.

In other words that do not make sense, wow, Supernatural is this whole ball of HRNGH. Catching up, actually. Yes.

In other words, dammit, I need more Star Trek on my tumblr dash.

Dang, do I not make sense or what? I'm feeling really low key, and I don't mean by the Trickster way.

Anyway, my copy of the Physics of Star Trek ust really is prompting me to see if I either threw out my old physics notes (on thinking: I gave them away whoops--at least, the grade 12 ones. no idea where the fuck I put the grade 11 ones, but I may have thrown them out). Either away, I'll have to reteach myself that, and maybe not be afraid to write about physics.

I probably will need to ask someone who's interested in physics for help though. Dangit, why are all the science kids at the other campus?

DUSGH

epicionly — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 16:11:46 GMT

So hrhrhrgnh how did my wonderful Christmas break turn into an unproductive train wreck of a something?

Plan is:
I need to just finish They Call This Denial and By the Far Side, and then So Hear All Evil, Call It West, and Break In Case of Blabbermouths, BUT JUST.

I WANNA FINISH WRITING THAT FIC WHICH WILL PREDICT WHAT I EXPECT FOR THE 2013 MOVIE.

I CAN BE INDULGED RIGHT.

I CAN BE EXCUSED RIGHT.

ALSO I HAVE A MISSION FIC AND I AM REALLY STARTING TO APPRECIATE WHAT JIM AND BONES MEAN TO EACH OTHER A LOT MORe THAN I THOUGHT I DID, which is quite something because I don't mind what incarnation or what their relationship is with each other, so long as they are WITH EACH OTHER OR BY EACH OTHER'S SIDE, I just need the comfort of that okay.

Which.

You don't get if it's a kid!fic, DAMMIT.

Rolling around though, because Harrison is an interesting character to write I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE VILLAINS CAN SOMEONE TEACH ME GODDAMN, I NEED THE ENTIRE BACKSTORY.