Are you satisfied with an average life?

{Fic} untitled MCU - CA:CW fix-it

enmuse — Sat, 20 May 2017 03:24:42 GMT

I have a lot of frustrating feelings, okay?

Never thought I’d write a response to CA:CW. At this point I have to say outright that I hated Civil War. I wrote about it during my initial reaction post last year. I haven’t watched it again since then, I just keep making faces at the title when I see it come across Netflix. But I still have ~feelings~ about things.

So here is a gen fic replacing most of the Siberia scene. Never thought I’d write something based out of CW canon events, but I will note that I have to, for my own conscience, omit Peter Parker’s involvement in the film. (1 - He’s a goddamn kid and Tony’s whole motivation given at the beginning of the damn film was about feeling responsible over a young man’s death. 2 - Spiderman was super shoehorned into the film.)

No title. Gen. Un-beta’ed. No battles. Still lots of emotional hurt in a Tony and Steve (and Barnes) confrontation.
A burst of static and then silent video footage comes to life on the small screen. Tony lets himself watch for a moment, his breath hitching in his throat. He allows himself a moment of weakness and closes his eyes as he takes a deep breath. As he exhales, he fixes his glare on the man watching from the other side of the door. The Iron Man mask comes down and Tony raises his hands.

"That's your trump card?"

He fires his repulsors at the doors' hinges. It doesn't take long for the super soldiers at his side to pry the door open and drag their erstwhile out. Steve shoves the man onto his knees as Barnes takes a step back, gaze flickering from person to person.

Zemo stares up at Tony, face flushed with anger and surprise. "Do you know what that is?" he hisses, jerking his head in the direction of the screen. Tony avoids the temptation to look. "Don't you understand what he did?"

Tony doesn't reply verbally. With a carefully calculated move he clocks Zemo in the head. He watches dispassionately as the man lists limply in Steve's hold, unconscious.

They don't speak as Tony hands Steve restraints from a compartment in his suit. Once Zemo is effectively bound and Steve has gagged him with rope from his belt, Tony finally steps back and lets his hands drop. Behind his mask, he closes his eyes again and releases a shuddering breath.

Worthless. Meaningless.

"What now?" Barnes' voice is rough.

"Tony...?"

Even through the suit Tony can feel when Steve's hand lands on his arm. Jerking back, Tony opens his eyes and the face plate. Steve's concerned expression is replaced with wariness as soon as Tony's glare is revealed.

"You were never going to tell me," Tony accuses. He can see Barnes a few feet away, shoulders hunched as he watches them. Somewhere off to the side the video might still be playing. Tony refuses to look.

"I— Tony, I'm so sorry," Steve says earnestly. "I didn't know ho—"

"Don't bullshit me, Rogers." Tony clenches his fists. "You wanted to protect yourself, not me. You didn't give a damn—"

"That's not true!" Steve looks over his shoulder at Barnes, his expression pained. "You were helping me look, and if you knew—"

"I did!"

Tony doesn't realize he's screamed until he has the wide-eyed stares of both super soldiers fixed on him. Finally Tony turns his gaze to Barnes. Swallowing hard against the tightness trying to restrict his breathing, Tony asks Barnes, "Do you even remember?"

Barnes' face looks gaunt and ashen as his eyes darken with the look of a haunted lone survivor. His voice is barely audible as he confesses, "I remember them all."

Tony swallows again and blinks quickly as his eyes burn. He nods briskly at Barnes and returns his attention to Steve.

"It wasn't him, Tony. Please, you must understand what they did to him. He isn't respon—"

"That's not for you to decide," Tony replies, exhaustion creeping into his voice. He is so very tired. So very heartsick. He stares at Zemo's unconscious form and wishes he had an easy solution, that he could simply kill the man and erase all that has happened.

Steve's hand wraps around Tony's bicep and tries to shake him, unsuccessful with the strength of the suit. "You can't condemn him!" Steve's expression has grown hard with determination and Tony notes that the shield is tilted at an offensive angle. He isn't sure Steve consciously realizes what he's doing. "You can't just take Bucky back where they'll do God knows what. They won't understand."

Tony grits his teeth against a scream of frustration because Steve won't broaden his focus, he is so fixated on this one moment. He hasn't realized that everything has been pointless destruction and death.

"Steve..." Barnes tries to intervene.

"No, Buck, I won't let you just sacrifice yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about!"

Tony slaps Steve's hand away and decides to ignore how the shield raises a little — a least the movement brings it into a defensive position. "You don't get to dictate how people feel!" he snaps. Tony jabs a finger at the shield. "We all know the story of this shield. Do you remember who gave it to you? Why it was given to you, what it meant? Are you still that good man standing up for the people against injustice?"

"I'm trying to protect Bucky!"

"That's all?" Tony scoffs. He looks between Barnes, who is carefully blank-faced and silent, and Steve. "It's all about one man? What gives you the right to think only about him?"

Steve's expression pinches as he takes a few moments before answering. "He's all that left..."

"No he's not." Tony holds up a hand as Steve opens his mouth to protest. "Do you still think you can cling to the past? Time moves on, Steve. We don't get to live in the dream of happier days. There's a world out there we have to face if we're going to survive. We have people and what I sure as hell thought was a home."

"That's... not what I meant," Steve murmurs. His shoulders drop and the shield dips a little. "You don't understand."

Tony laughs, the sound bursting out of him without warning. He's laughing and he's not sure why. Steve looks alarmed and behind him, Barnes takes a hesitant step forward, expression pained.

"Do you know how I knew?" Tony suddenly asks. At their blank faces, he lets out another humorless chuckle. "It was your decision, wasn't it? To dump everything from the SHIELD servers? And all of the Hydra records that were wrapped up in there. Where did it go, Steve? Did you think I'd miss something like that? Did you think Natasha didn't give anyone a heads' up?" The stunned expression on the blond's face is answer enough. Tony sighs. "You never thought about the information being leaked that would end up compromise and kill agents in the field. The details about weapons and operations that could suddenly be accessed by any determined or bored hacker with an interest in decryption. They had everything we could gather about the tesserect in there, psych evaluations, locations of undercover operatives, logs of what the WSC intended back in New York during the invasion.

"Why didn't we see weapons based on knock-off alien technology? Why weren't the Avengers hounded with questions prying into every dirty little secret SHIELD knew they could use against us?" The dawning realization on Steve's face makes Tony's chest feel tight. He doesn't know why he feels like he's breaking, not until—

"JARVIS," Steve murmurs, shield finally dropping to his side.

Tony inhales sharply at the name as the pain in his chest jabs sharply at his heart. "I waited for you to tell me," he says quietly. Steve glances back at Barnes again, refocusing on the original issue.

"They had a record?" Steve asks.

Tony's lip curls a little at that. He jerks his chin in Zemo's direction. "Do you really think this bastard could find out about all this and I couldn't? He wasn't Hydra, Steve. He's just a man. A sick manipulative fucker who—" He cuts himself off with a vicious shake of his head. "It was all pointless!" Tony paces away, fury and frustration boiling in his gut and threatening violence. He needed a fight, a way to vent all the conflicting emotions he's been dragged through in recent weeks. "You know where our— your friends are right now? Where Natasha is? Rhodey?" he chokes on the last name. His eyes burn as he glares at the corpses of the Winter Soldier program.

"Tony...?"

With a wordless snarl, Tony raises his hands and shoots through the glass of one row of tubes. His suit keeps him from visibly shaking, but he can feel his muscles twitching. Too much stress on his system.

He doesn't realize he's collapsing until someone catches him under his arms. When he looks up he's surprised to see Barnes' haunted face. "I'll go with you," he says.

"Bucky, we'll find another way," Steve says as he moves towards them.

"No, Steve." Barnes bows his head as he releases a shuddering breath. "I gotta stop running. I gotta get this shit out of my head. This guy, he's your pal, right?"

Tony resists the urge to make a derisive comment about that. Instead he gets his feet back under him so that he isn't sagging against Barnes anymore.

Steve's answer surprises him. "Of course." Tony stares at Steve.

"Then we trust him," Barnes says.

Steve's worry is obvious in his expression but he doesn't flinch from Tony's stare. The blond licks his lips nervously. "You... you know a way to make sure he'll be okay?" The question comes out small and frightened. He sounds so young.

"We've been taken for fools," Tony admits slowly. "Despite appearances, I can't control everything. You've made things a lot worse. But..." He looks down at Zemo and thinks of the footage Friday recovered for him. "We have some solid evidence. It's not too late." He swallows the bitterness that rises in his throat because maybe for Barnes it's not too late, but it doesn't feel like that's the case for the others.

"Tony, I don't know if I can just let you—"

Barnes interrupts. "This is my choice. And I... I'll take the risk."

Tony turns his head to Barnes, studying the man's strained expression. "I'll do what I can," he says.

Barnes looks at him, expression hesitant. "Why?"

An exhausted chuckle drags itself from Tony's throat. "There's holding someone accountable and then there's scapegoating. You have to make your own peace, Barnes, but you aren't responsible for what was done to you." He doesn't acknowledge the vulnerable look of shock. "People like you need help, not blind condemnation."

Barnes looks shaken and even takes a step back, eyes wide and frightened. Steve's gasp of surprise draw Tony's attention.

Steve stares at Tony as his mouth works silently for a response. Eventually he murmurs, "I had no idea you'd..." He trails off as a dawning look of horror crosses his expression.

"Yeah. I know," Tony responds flatly.

Rhodey's in the hospital, the doctors waiting to run more tests before another surgery. There are several Avengers-affiliated people locked in a secret prison that shouldn't exist. Natasha is in the wind. There's a world reeling at the numerous deaths and priceless destruction of the past week. For what.

"I'm sorry," Steve whispers. "I should have listened."

Tony isn't ready to discuss his own fault, but he counters, "We should have talked."

He's dead on his feet exhausted. He hurts all over from the fight at the airport — so stupid, so pointless! They don't have time to lie down and rest, though.

"We need to go. Someone grab that sack of shit." Tony walks away, turning his back on all of them, trusting that Steve won't make a break for freedom this time and drag Barnes away.

He's halfway down the corridor to the exit when T'Challa appears from the shadows, mask off. His expression is blank although his gaze is thoughtful as he looks Tony over.

"Of course you're here," Tony says, stopping a few feet away.

The king inclines his head in acknowledgment. His gaze focuses past Tony's shoulder where the footsteps behind him have stopped. T'challa doesn't speak to them, instead turning back to Tony. "I thought he'd killed my father. He did kill yours, yet you let him walk."

Tony doesn't need to explain his reasoning to this man. Instead he replies, "It takes time to process." T'challa's eyes narrow thoughtfully. "You know Zemo's responsible?"

"I do. I alerted the appropriate authorities. We need to make the apprehension official." Tony nods in agreement. The gesture of support makes the tight feeling around his chest ease just slightly. "We need to discuss how we proceed to clean up this mess," T'challa says. He looks again to the super soldiers. "None of us are currently in good standing."

Tony thinks that's an understatement.

ME: Andromeda - Update

enmuse — Sat, 08 Apr 2017 03:47:20 GMT

First patch was released yesterday and already it's pretty significant improvements. There's more to come (thankfully): https://www.masseffect.com/news/the-journey-ahead

After the update and I loaded my game (I decided to replay from about Chapter 7), I hardly recognized my Ryder with the eyes update. (OMG thank you. Of all face updates to do, that was my immediate requirement.) Weirdly, this update is now showing [NUM #] next to all my dialogue options. So that's mildly irritating. 9_9

As I was reading up on patch notes while installing yesterday, I read a pretty good article covering the update and the statement I linked above. I don't regret investing my time and money already - I genuinely really, really love the game - but I very much agree with the argument that ME:A seems like an early access game. Now I'm an obsessed nut ball so I know I'll be playing this game to obsessive completion several times. That things will keep improving makes me thankful (unlike the continued graphics issues of ME3 that make me cringe). However, I'm hoping that people's upsets and complaints about the early access-like quality needing so many patch rollouts may yield some sort of free bonus content/DLC/SOMETHING to acknowledge the players who invested in this game right away.

Considering the game as a pre-access game, I easily give it perfect score. As a game supposedly full release, I still give it a high 8/10. I can't make myself go lower, really, because characters and story are primary factors for me and I really enjoy everything presented.

The area I'm still not happy with is how taxing the game is on my system. I know laptops aren't the best for lots of gaming, but it's done me well with all other games (besides things that just generally suffer gigantic bugs - I'm looking at you Typing of the Damned).

Otherwise? Minor complaints:

- Thanks for the skipable travel between planets. Now please make the travel between galaxies skipable and most important: skip the landing/takeoff sequences of the Tempest!

- A way to mark on the map where you've been when it comes to camps/sites/etc. (OMFG when trying to do the tasks and no longer having an idea where you've looked.)

- Additional skills or things to upgrade for teammates? Cuz it's pretty damn easy to max all five options. Now I'm at level 62, having trouble deciding what the hell to level for myself (I have my favorite things and haven't changed 'em), and my squad has a couple dozen points each with nothing to invest in.

- Better indication when dialogue updates. Once a topic has been discussed once, it's always grayed out. Some of those topics will update many times throughout the game but it's hard to guess when.

- LET ME TURN OFF SAM'S FLIPPING UPDATES ABOUT HAZARD STATUS AND MINING NOTES. (OMFG I don't know why Voeld is the only place that you can't clear up the hazards, but it drives me fucking NUTS to constantly having Sam going "pathfinder the temperature is dropping / pathfinder the readings are now normal / pathfinder I am reading an extreme temperature drop.") The mining thing is also extremely annoying. Just shuddup, please!

Wee personal complaint: Does the romance with Vetra really have to be so beyond sappy? I love Vetra, I really do, and I'm so grateful for gay turians in space, but the dialogue is honestly sickeningly sweet.

Mass Effect: Andromeda

enmuse — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 18:53:39 GMT

I started playing Day One and just finished this morning. I invested 87 hours (so far) and reached level 62 at completion. I have a handful of missions remaining to hit what I believe is 100% completion of the game.

And my verdict: I really enjoyed this. A LOT.

Customization system for player model is totally bum, though. Super limited and disappointing. (At least i like the hairstyles?) The eyes are what really bugs me. Constantly you see the whites of the eye around the irises, it looks weird. If I could just adjust the eyelids things would have been fine. Also, the coding they did for the eyeliner doesn't line up right? It's weird. Oh, and the scar options suck, they just look like smeared paint that didn't get washed off properly.

Easily ranks about ME1 because I really fell for all the characters right away in this game. ME1, on the other hand, had so much it needed to do with universe- and lore-building that I felt like characters didn't get full depth. (If you look back at previous ME posts, I note that I loved Wrex from the start, but no one else really captured my interest in ME1. Wait, Tali also intrigued me.) In contrast, I knew immediately from the first Vetra scene that I wanted her for my romance interest. Instant love, and it never wavered. The entire crew is awesome, though.

One last spoiler-free note: I really liked seeing a better diversity within the species. Expanding beyond male gendered NPCs! Better representation of individual interests and histories of species! Whee~!

Alright, still not spoilers but I figured I would still put it here. I purchased the deluxe edition for PC. I have a pretty decent gaming laptop, but the game wreaks havoc with performance demands. So, unfortunately, I could not enjoy high quality graphics. As such, I won't comment on graphics quality since my settings only could range from low-medium settings. Updating Nvidia before I started playing was a goddamn long process, too, which was annoying as hell. I'm hoping that the inevitable mods that come out will be worth it. (Well, plus I don't own any consoles I could otherwise play MEA on.)

-----------CONTINUED SPOILER SPACE-----------

At the end, the only major story complaint I have is the lack of resolution for the Initiative secrets unlocked with Ryder's memories. (Damn it!) I'm aware that there will be future games, and I'm totally okay waiting on the larger kett empire stuff, but I want to know WTF went on with Garson. And the Benefactor. Because I have speculations and I really want to know.

Continuing with thoughts for the future games: I am crossing my fingers for a quarian teammate. In general, I'm really excited about that other ark. I need elchor back in my life. Also, I'm curious about when that ark ended up leaving and what they know about the Reapers.

Speaking of Reapers, I guess that brings me to one of the iffy feelings I have about the game. I kept referring back to the ME timeline and it seems fucking bizarre that the arks launched during ME2. Like, while Shepard was running missions. It really bugs me that no one in MEA mentions any belief that the Commander's claims of the Reapers were real. I know the Council covered it up and everything, but not every single being would believe that. To me, the timeline of the arks departure need only be adjusted a little bit, having them leave shortly after ME1 or during the two years of Shepard's death. IDK, the timing bugs me.

Of the worlds we visit, Kadara is the most beautiful to me. The flora looks so much like a coral reef. Eladaan has the freaking GIGANTIC "worm" that terrifies the hell out of me when I visit. One of the missions I have left is to defeat the world's Architect. I'm scared that it might be that GIGANTIC worm.

Throughout the game, I noticed that I am such a sucker for the turians. My love for Garrus (and Kandros from the Omega DLC) clearly has impacted me forever. Also helps that I immediately took a shine to Vetra. I'm soooo glad she's romance-ible by either Ryder. I was going to cry if my female Ryder couldn't win her over. (Not that I ever wanted to, but I think it's fucking bizarre that Cora can only be romanced by male Ryder? What??)

I really really liked the krogan colony. Not only do you get a wide diversity of krogan, the terminal messages are freaking hilarious. (LARP group! Daddy support group!) I liked Kesh on the Nexus immediately. I love Drack. A little like Wrex, but far older with a lot of experience and interesting insights.

The crew balances out each other pretty well in terms of personalities, I feel. I didn't like Gil at first - in part because of how poorly he and Kallo were getting along - but he grew on me. Suvi and Lexi are the two I'm most ambivalent about.

I like that the crew interacts with each other through dialogue all the time - on and off ship. My favored team was Vetra and Drack so I heard tons of conversation between them, and it really fleshed out their characters. Cora and Peebee were sometimes my team as well due to the missions I was on, and they had some interesting conversations, too. I'm sure if I play with other combinations I'll get more - and probably the amount of dialogue between characters depends on who it is.

I like that the codex keeps a summary record of some of the important choices you make, the development of relationships with the crew, and your "psychological profile." Back to the choices in the game. HOLY SHIT the difficulty of most of those! Who and what to sacrifice was the common theme. I realized as I headed into the last leg of the game that not a single Pathfinder ended up being the original (or the successor in the asari's case).

Speaking of pathfinders, SPACE GAYS! I became an immediate fangirl shipper of Macen and Avitus. Avitus' little dialogue queue when speaking of Macen was great. I'm still excited about the gay turians :D (My heart! Poor Avitus.)

A lot of the gameplay style reminded me of Dragon Age. (I've beat Origins a couple times, never finished DA2.) The crafting, tooooons of loot containers... Also the dialogue wheel with different emotions/approaches me reminded me of DA2. And I am so damn happy to get a variety of tone choices. I hated that ME3 had reduced things to two options all the time, and even in ME2 there was a lack of neutral at times. I thought it was interesting that in MEA you were really forced to commit to choices. Neutrality and hedging your bets wasn't an option, which is what made the choices super difficult.

I know I didn't talk about the angara here. I'm not sure what to say? I do like them and the new culture they offer. There's a lot of intriguing possibilities and knowledge. I constantly get distracted by the faces and trying to figure out why the males look like lions (or Beast from the animated Beauty & the Beast) yet the female look like monkeys. I'm just a little baffled. Also, the lips and chin reminds me of Protheans.

Alright, that's my rambling for now. Wanted to get my thoughts down while I was still processing the ending. Plus this killed some time before I needed to go out to the store. ;)

-----------CONTINUED SPOILER SPACE-----------

Whatever complaints people might have (I haven't cared to read up on any), it can't be over a lack of content.

Go play it! If you don't want to pay full price, go ahead an wait a bit, but I think it was totally worth the $72 I dropped for the preorder.

{Fic} Choices Seal Our Fate - Masterpost | SPN | (Gen) Sam, Jo, Crowley

enmuse — Wed, 15 Mar 2017 04:32:01 GMT

Choices Seal Our Fate
Posted for sammybigbang
Fandom: Supernatural
Relationships: Gen - Sam Winchester & Jo Harvelle, Crowley & Sam Winchester, Jo Harvelle & Crowley
Characters: Sam Winchester, Crowley, Jo Harvelle, Ellen Harvelle, Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Castiel, Gabriel, Lucifer
Rating: Teen
Word Count: ~81,500

Art: Masterpost on Livejournal and Tumblr
Summary: Dean and Sam Winchester split ways in the wake of Lucifer's rising. When his last conversation with Dean leaves Sam convinced there's no hope of reconciliation, Sam sets out to find his redemption in stopping Lucifer on his own.

Little did he know that he would find companionship with an old friend, Jo Harvelle, and the King of the Crossroads during his pursuit.

All 17 chapters + epilogue currently only available on AO3

Gratitude: HUGE thank you to MakingSafe, who willingly looked over and offered editing suggestions for this monster. I also was paired with the WONDERFUL artist kuwlshadow, who made two lovely pieces.

Additional warnings: Please note that there is suicidal ideation and off-screen suicide in regards to Sam trying to avoid Lucifer. Violence and mature topics are on-par with the show's level, only the amount of swearing wouldn't be allowed.

Regarding canon
This story is based off of canon and characterization from the first five seasons of Supernatural. While I'm aware of what comes later, I'm still of the mindset that post-S5 is like... an extended universe. Anyway, bear that in mind as my Crowley is based on canon and fanon of the time many years ago — including his origins that are alluded to in this piece.

Since this is a S5 divergence/alt-take, there are a lot of canon events mentioned and included in the narrative. I did my best to avoid rehashing things in whole, but there are key moments that remain near the same, including some dialogue. There are also many canon events that are not addressed. You can assume that some of them take place on the Team Dean & Co. side of things. ("Abandon All Hope" absolutely does not take place.)

Relationships: While there are no actualized pairings in this story, there is a potential for some sort of Sam-Jo-Crowley thing. I feel like some of the tension's there, but there are a lot of other things for them to focus on. Romance is pretty much the last thing on anyone's mind.

Story's history
This story was written in two major chunks over the course of two NaNo projects (National Novel Writing Month). In November 2014, I wrote through the events of "Point of No Return" and had about 53k words during that zero draft. I spent many hours in November 2016 doing a first run of revisions through that, cutting about 4k, then finished the story. There was a single scene (it happens to be my favorite) that was written during my failed NaNo of '15. It's been a fascinating journey given that I haven't been active in SPN fandom since around the time season seven was airing. (Note: At the end of Nov. '16 this story was approx 86K words, making it the longest single story I've ever written.)

I can't remember how this story really came about, especially when considering I was active on the Gabriel/Sam side of fandom almost exclusively, but I believe it was a combo of things. 1) I've always been fascinated by the "What ifs?" potentials of seasons four and five. 2) I'm constantly frustrated with myself for not focusing enough on strong, female characters I love in fandom — apparently too often distracted by my frequent m/m favorite ships. 3) The Harvelles' death pisses me off. 4) The Winchester family is a nightmare of unhealthy interactions; and Dean's double-standards drove me nuts. 5) I started reading VivatRex's Falling Skies and became intrigued with the idea of trying my hand at writing Crowley.

NaNo complete, and first draft complete

enmuse — Thu, 01 Dec 2016 22:13:20 GMT

I wrote the epilogue for my story last Friday, so the final days of November were spent doing a full proofing, fill in missing transitions, and get initial revisions done. I now have a completed first draft for "Choices Seal Our Fate." It clocks in over 83k words (how much over depends if I look in Scrivener or Word).

For the moment, I've signed up for sammybigbang to post this story. With how excited I am about this, though, I'm starting to question if I want to post earlier. Before I do anything, I want to be sure I get other eyes on this.

Anyone reading this interested in doing some beta-ing? (Key things I ask my betas for are: plot flow, plot holes, and characterizations. There's also some wording questions with this one.) Or, can anyone point me in the direction of finding a beta? I've not been active in SPN fandom for years.

On a positive note

enmuse — Sat, 19 Nov 2016 20:00:37 GMT

Thank you friends for your support and cyber hugs. It means the world to me. I know I'm not good at reciprocating as I don't tend to catch up on my flist posts, but know that I care for you greatly.

Since I mix my posts on tumblr with distractions and humor and positive things, I figured I needed something happier over here, too.

I'm working on National Novel Writing Month as usual, though it's a struggle. I decided, though, that I'm going to have an additional motivator to keep me going. Instead of a NaNo winner shirt this year (I'm not particularly fond of the design), if I finish I'll find a new Supernatural t-shirt. Possibly a Crowley one... or track down a second copy of one of my favorites I already own - the Harvelle Roadhouse or Singer's Salvage shirt. Both were bought when I was a little smaller and being in an apartment building, well, our washers/dryers don't always have the best track record with maintaining the quality of clothing.

Now I better go boot up my Write-or-Die program and work on getting my word count back up to speed.

Need encouragement

enmuse — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 21:44:42 GMT

Does anyone want to jam Supernatural early story-arc style?

The election has sucked so much life out of me that every day is a massive struggle right now, all the moreso when it comes to writing for NaNo. My motivation is lacking, largely due to the extreme heartache that keeps pulling my attention. Writing is usually very... mm, soothing? and I could really use the steadiness of NaNo writing. But I'm having a hard time being accountable to myself and just overall feeling discouraged about my project. I'd really appreciate encouragement. So does someone want an early look? There's ~46k of revised (though not proofed) story plus the several thousand new words written this month.

(Revising and aiming to finish my project from NaNo '14, a canon divergent and adaptation of Supernatural season 5) Dean and Sam Winchester split ways in the wake of Lucifer's rising. When his last conversation with Dean leaves Sam convinced there's no hope of reconciliation, Sam sets out to find his redemption in stopping Lucifer on his own. Little did he know he would find companionship with an old friend, Jo Harvelle, and the King of the Crossroads during his pursuit.

Heartache

enmuse — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 03:59:17 GMT

Most of my political reactions have been on Tumblr. As much as I'm trying to insert additional posts, of happier things and distractions, much of my posts lately have been reactions to last week's US election... and words of caution/warning signs.

Tears creep up on me on occasion. The only time I was near sobbing was just before needing to teach last Wednesday. Thankfully I have an amazing volunteer on Wednesdays (through December) who could help me get going. It also helped that none of my students talked about the election until I took a deep breath and talked a bit on Friday.

I'm beyond heart sick. There's anger in me, I know there is, but there's still no fire, no righteous fury. The overwhelming feeling that remains in place is the heavy, dampening weight of the sense of betrayal. I'll acknowledge that we don't know how bad things will be, but I cannot convince myself, nor find evidence, that what we're faced with will be good. After the Clusterfuck that is 2016, there's so much that's been sucked out of me at the external-impact level.

I don't know for sure what I'll be doing next year. Now that the election results are in, I feel like I can finally work on future plans. I need to do research into the possibility of moving out of country - if that's even feasible. I need to search for a reliable job that will offer financial security. (Cuts on government assistance and restrictions on immigration would mean a high likelihood of jobs in my field significantly reduce.)

What still guts me in particular for a personal impact is that the election results mean I will not be pursuing becoming a mother in the next few years. I have the privilege of being able to make my plans. At the same time, I feel like this choice is forced. With misogynists and homophobes going into the highest political offices of the US plus the conservative-dominated House and Senate... well. I honestly don't feel safe trying to pursue the complicated path of becoming pregnant and seeking services as a single, queer woman with chronic health problems. And that kills me.

A lot of my emotions in the past week have underlined for me the issue of white privilege. My mind keeps coming back around to wondering if this deep sense of betrayal, this deep wounded feeling, is what others of marginalized communities feel throughout their lives. This bitter betrayal and sense of losing trust and faith is what people of color feel when, as a society, we try to emphasize the status and so-called safety of the police. It's one thing to intellectually consider and discuss the divides and privilege of our society, but this has cut much deeper than anything has before for me.

I think this hurts so very deeply for me because I felt like we were getting somewhere. At least in terms of queer progress. I was shocked and so god damn happy (although also bittersweet) with the number of states passing laws to equalize marriage, and the stunning hope that the Supreme Court ruling brought. Everything about the past year's campaign defies logic, fucks over my mind. And it's so hard for me to understand how we got from an amazing historic court ruling to the massacre at Pulse this summer to having the president elect and VP elect (I have to swallow down bile whenever I hear these terms) who believe in conversion therapy. To putting people in office who are of the opinion that you're better off dead than queer.

I'm scared. I'm worried. I am so very, very sick. I hope you're safe, I hope you're finding outlets of comfort and distraction. May we be strong and supportive.

Snippet from NaNo project

enmuse — Tue, 08 Nov 2016 01:08:17 GMT

I'm posting updates and the occasional snippet for my project on my Tumblr, but also wanted to give a little exposure to it here as well.

I'm freaking the fuck out over election stuff and need some positive things posted right now.

Have what’s my favorite scene from Choices Seal Our Fate. It’s a single scene I wrote last year (when the image came to me) rather than the project’s main year in 2014.

Crowley looks bored while he waits for Sam to double and triple check their surroundings. Sam doesn't let it bother him, he wants to make sure no one is lingering in this part of the yard to interrupt.

"Coast clear?" the demon stage whispers when Sam finally turns to face him.

"Can you not—" make this any more difficult than it already is? Sam means to finish before he realizes the demon won't care. He heaves a sigh and braces himself. He looks Crowley in the eye before he starts speaking again. The demon arches an eyebrow with an expression of haughtiness, but Sam's been around him long enough to detect genuine curiosity.

"Look, I... I need to make a deal," Sam says. He swallows hard and presses on. The demon's eyes widen in momentary surprise. "This whole mess... I know it's going to be a disaster. I know I have to be there and Dean will too, but I don't want Jo there. I want you to ensure she stays away from the battle." He takes a deep breath and admits, "I need to know she's safe."

Crowley says nothing for a long while. Red-tinted eyes stare hard at Sam, the demon's expression shuttered. Sam does his best not to fidget but can't help averting his gaze to break the unnerving eye contact.

It feels like he waits hours for Crowley to respond. Eventually the demon steps closer, catching the hunter's gaze again.

"Use specifics, 'else you're apt to contract unwelcome surprises," Crowley warns in a low voice.

Sam nods, feeling a little numb. "I want Jo to be alive and safe come the end of this apocalypse. I want her far away and safe from the confrontation between Lucifer and Michael."

When he says nothing more, the demon moves even closer, bringing the toes of their shoes nearly together. Sam leans in instinctively, lips slightly parted as Crowley raises his hands. Sam's hands find their way to the demon's waist as Crowley settles his thumbs firmly at the edge of Sam's jaw.

The hunter closes his eyes and inhales sharply at the realization that he is really going through with a crossroads deal. He had so determinedly been set against this when Crowley first appeared in his life. He leans closer, ready for their lips to meet and seal the Deal. He can feel Crowley's breath against his lips, and Sam just wnats to finish this before his nerves get the better of him. He wants to be sure Jo's protected. He just wants to be able to save someone.

Crowley's firm grip keeps Sam from moving any closer. The hunter blinks his eyes open as they stand frozen, bare inches from sealing the Deal. Crowley's eyes, fire red, stare back at him. A moment later, the demon turns his face and yanks Sam close. His lips brush the faintest kiss along Sam's cheek.

"You're not a very good businessman," Crowley murmurs beside Sam's ear. "Never offer to pay for something already in the bargain." The demon presses a brief, intense kiss to the corner of Sam's mouth. A moment later he releases his hold on Sam and steps away. His expression is hard to read as he fixes a firm glare on the hunter. "Keep your soul, Moose."

With that, Crowley vanishes, and Sam is left staring blankly at a rusted junker. Something in his chest feels tight. He can't tell if the heat in his face is from potential tears or the faintest hint of arousal.

Because it bears repeating - Clusterfuck 2016

enmuse — Thu, 29 Sep 2016 23:52:54 GMT

I legitimately don’t get how anyone with a lick of sense or common decency can possibly support Trump.

I know with near certainty that no one who follows my tumblr/et al. supports Trump, but I’m at the point where if I find out someone I know and who supposedly cares about me supports Trump and knows about his sexist, racist, Islamaphobic, xenophobic statements and belief… Get the fuck out.

I’ve watched a lot of Colbert, Trevor Noah (and the Daily Show crew - they’re fucking awesome), and now adding Samantha Bee and a bit of Seth Meyers to the mix. Because I have to fucking laugh or I will scream.

Most mornings at my office before class, the three of us keep returning to the fact that each of us legitimately will probably need to leave the country if Trump wins, at the very least to save our sanity.

I’m white and a born citizen, I definitely have advantage and privilege. But I still feel very personally attacked by the hatemongering bullshit ignorance spewed from Trump’s camp, the very heart of everything. I fear for myself as a woman, as a young adult skirting a bit above the poverty line, as a hopeful future parent, as an educator, as a person whose job is immersed in immigrant communities, as a resident of the Twin Cities which is hugely diverse, as a queer woman, and as a person with significant health issues.

The people I love and support and get up every weekday morning to teach are in significant jeopardy and it makes me so angry and hurt and exhausted and fearful. I’ve gotten stronger in defending myself over the years, but those who know me well know that the way to really get me fired up is to threaten the people I consider under my care. I’m not likely to punch someone for the sake of myself, but I damn well would to protect my family, my friends, my students.

So real talk - the U.S. is exclusively a two-party system when it comes to the presidential election. Quite honestly, if you vote third party this election is as bad as not voting. This election is going to be fucking close, whichever way it goes, and You Need To Vote. If you care about women, families, people of color, anyone part of the LGBTQA+ community, people of any faith - you need to vote Hillary Clinton. If you don’t like her as a person, fine. If you need to think of it as voting for the lesser of two evils, fine. I don’t really care how you frame it. But do not fucking help elect Trump.

Marvel MCU writing trials/warm-ups

enmuse — Mon, 05 Sep 2016 16:22:21 GMT

I've got plenty of writing ideas but have been in a slump in terms of actually getting story down on paper (or computer screen). So! Chatting with bluesheets today and mentioning that I've been going over and over my Pinterest project board, she suggested I take a pin and write (at least) three sentences for it. This worked amazingly well! Below the cut are short (sometimes very short) writing trials, seven of them, based on pins that I linked as best I could.

Some of the prompts were really awesome artwork, so be sure to click through. All of these are/will be posted on my tumblr, too.

1: Natasha - no strings
Natasha dreams of falling. Not like Iron Man had from the alien portal, but from a stage. Strings cut, turning liquid and arterial blood red as it trails behind her and she goes down, down, down.

2: not the boss
Tony isn't the boss, doesn't necessarily mind not being The One, either. The problem is that everyone seems to forget that fact when things go wrong. Tony slumps back in his chair, rubbing his eyes and letting out a deep sigh. Sitting on his desk lies the first completed draft of the Sokovia Accords. The others aren't going to like this.

3: I want it to be...
James isn't convinced Stark's paying him any attention. Rather, he doesn't think the guy's aware of anything else except the metal arm. A little irritated (he won't admit to being unnerved), James starts listing potential changes or additions for the arm. His first impression seems right, given that Stark keeps saying "OK" after every suggestion.

Exasperated, James throws out, "And LED lights that change colors and shit." Stark responds with his stock reply. James rolls his eyes. "That was a joke."

Stark's eyes remain on his work, but his eyebrow arches. "Oh." Does he sound a little disappointed?

James narrows his eyes, scrutinizing Stark. "Wait. Can you do that?"

Stark looks up at him for the first time since he started working on the arm. He looks amused, eyes seeming to twinkle as a smirk crosses his lips. "What colors and are we going for a pattern here?"

James stares back, dumbfounded. He's not sure what his stumbled reply is, but as Stark sets back to work, he's suddenly talking and James begins to relax.

4: these words are knives (full lyrics)
"You're not good enough." It's not said with those exact words, but Tony can hear it in the tone, see it in Steve's expression as he says, "He's my best friend." There's more words, like "It's too soon" and "I worry about him." But even with time, Tony knows he'll hear the underlying sentiment again. "You're not good enough."

Tony won't tell James about the confrontation. He does need to isolate himself for a few hours to check his composure. James, like Natasha, has an uncanny ability to read beyond the masks people wear.

additional follow-up
bluesheets: I will headcanon that he is firmly defended to himself by james some time later xD
enmuse: YES. Steve probably doesn't even think about how he's coming across 9_9
Natasha's gonna smack him upside the head. And Bucky's gonna be pissed about not being allowed to make his own decisions.Bruce will frown a lot. Clint will sigh and try to pick up the pieces as everyone sulks around or radiates anger for a while.
AND THEN MIKE HAT APPEARS, BITES STEVE, LEAPS ONTO TONY'S LAP, AND PURRS AS SHE KNEADS HER NEEDLE-LIKE CLAWS INTO HIS LEG

5: in your head... (full lyrics)
Tony's dreams aren't always about the unconquerable vastness of space or alien-filled skies. He still has dreams of scrambling for the door of a Hum-Vee as sand explodes outside and armor-piercing rounds penetrate first flesh and then vehicle walls. He watches the jerking body of soldiers hit, caught unexpected, but nothing touches him.

6: my world will never be the same (full lyrics)
"You embody everything exciting about the future. You led me forward from my past. You waited for me, understanding I hadn't found myself yet." James heaved a deep breath, like it had cost him a great deal to admit that. "That's why, Tony," he finished quietly.

7: morning hugs
Steve looks entirely too amused when James passes him in the hall. Clint offers a salacious wink. James pauses outside the kitchen entryway to allow Natasha and Bruce to pass by, casting them a suspicious look when they bend their heads together and giggle. When he gets into the kitchen, he first notices Thor contemplating the refrigerator's contents with an intense gaze. The demigod is the only one to ignore James so far. Then he sees the top of Tony's sleep-tousled hair as he bends over a steaming mug of coffee.

James rounds the counter, making just enough noise so as not to startle his lover. As he wraps his arms around Tony he notes that the man's shirt is awfully large. Tony gives a happy sigh as he leans back, bringing his head to lean against James' shoulder. With a better view of the shirt, he understands why the others were amused. Grinning, James nudges his cheek against Tony's as he asks, "Are you wearing my shirt?"

Tony hums, sounding pleased. "Maybe..."

James tightens his embrace gently for a moment, burying his contented smile against Tony's neck. Then he has to run his fingers lower for a moment, caught between amusement and muted horror. "Are you wearing anything else?" he demands quietly.

Tony lifts his head enough to take a drink from his mug, it doesn't hide his smirk. "Maybe... not."

James pinches Tony's side, ignoring the indignant yelp, and glances over at Thor, who returns his gaze with a grin.

{Fic} My cat, Mike Hat (1/1) | Gen | MCU

enmuse — Thu, 11 Aug 2016 00:35:04 GMT

My cat, Mike Hat (On AO3)
a.k.a. "Thor meets The Cat"
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Tony Stark, The Cat, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov, Thor Odinson, Steve Rogers
Gen || Faint traces of Barnes/Stark, potentially pre-slash
Summary: Thor's been away. This is the first time he meets The Cat, and she finally gets a name.

Notes: The idea of Bucky and a cat came during my ongoing conversations with Rina while trying to work on big bang projects I signed up for. I've done snapshots of the relevant parts of messaging here on tumblr (the earliest discussion, at least).

The Cat is named by Thor. If you've seen Ghostbusters 2016, you'll recognize the name and understand.

---

The elevator arrived and Tony walked out with his gaze locked on a tablet in his hands. Without looking out he barked, "Get off the lights, Barton!" He paused behind the couch as he typed something rapidly onto the screen. "I swear to god I will replace the track lighting and will fill any gaps between the shelves and ceiling if you keep abusing your 'high places' to taunt the cat."

Clint's eyes narrowed but he didn't look away from his staring contest with the cat settled on James' head. James had lifted his gaze from his magazine when Tony came in, but seeing as nothing had changed with his current situation, he returned to the article. He wasn't getting very far. While The Cat ("Hellspawn!" Clint insisted) rarely rose to Barton's baiting, she occasionally shifted on James' head as she waited out the staring contest.

"Clint..." came Steve's exasperated voice as he came from the kitchen.

"She has to look away first," the archer stated. How he could sound so serious when he was a grown man perched precariously on the track lighting hanging from the high ceiling defied common sense. Still, it wasn't exactly an unusual situation.

"She always wins," James said. He let the magazine drop into his lap with a sigh. He tried to stretch his neck, but sharp claws made a threatening appearance as he jostled the feline.

"And not just against him," Tony noted, amusement clear in his tone. When James looked over, he was smirking.

Steve gave the couch James sat on a wide berth as he headed towards an armchair on the other side of the room. Tony snorted. The blond just shook his head and side-eyed the cat-adorned Winter Soldier. "Not even trying after the last five times."

"Aww, is Captain America scared of a little pussy?" Tony teased as he dropped down onto the other end of James' couch. His taunt garnered a bout of snickering from Clint. Steve's face did an impressive series of acrobatics as he shifted through annoyed, embarrassed, and appalled. James bit back laughter but couldn't stop the broad grin crossing his lips.

Finally Steve seemed to gather himself enough to say, "I don't appreciate the itchiness of healing cat scratches, that's all."

"Poor baby," Clint mocked from the ceiling, "suffering that awful hour of healing while the rest of us mere mortals have to fear cat-scratch fever!"

"That's what you get for challenging her," James countered, tilting his head slightly to see the archer. Clint hadn't shifted his stare from the cat.

"Swear to god, Barton..." Tony muttered.

"Speaking of," Natasha's voice came from behind James. He noticed Tony startle at her sudden appearance. "Thor's arrived."

"I didn't hear him," Tony said with a frown, casting a skeptical look out the window.

Natasha made her way to the entertainment stand below the television. "Maybe he's taken your complaints about sudden unsettling storms over the tower to heart. JARVIS saw him land on the roof." As she finished speaking, Natasha smoothly stepped onto the stand, jumped with her arms extended, and caught Barton's ankles with a firm grip. The two tumbled from the high perch, but like acrobats, rolled into the fall. Natasha rolled to her feet with ease, Clint let himself sprawl on the floor.

"No fair," he complained.

"You deserved that. Also: Hot," Tony said, pointing at Natasha. "And terrifying."

"Thank you." She examined her nails as she claimed a seat on the couch closest to Steve.

Tony turned to look at James. "Your cat even has the Widow steering clear. That's impressive."

"Hellspawn hates the rest of us except you!" Clint shouted from the floor. "She's a demon!"

"Aww, kitty has good taste." Tony leaned over with his arm extended until he could pet under the cat's chin. James held still, overly aware of how close Tony's hand was to his face - and how often it had been happening lately.

James pretended not to notice Natasha's and Steve's shared look of amusement.

The elevator opened again, JARVIS announcing, "Master Thor has returned."

"Greetings, friends! I bring good news. Fair Jane and Lady Darcy are planning to visit New York in a few weeks' time!"

Tony removed his hand to give Thor a thumbs-up. "Great news, buddy. You let them know they're welcome to stay here? Can probably even convince Pepper to let them use the private jet."

Thor's beaming face came into view as the demigod strode into the middle of the gathered team. "They most graciously accept. Thank you for your generous hospitality!" He glanced down at Clint's sprawled form with a small frown. "Are you alright?"

"No," the archer grumbled at the same time that Natasha said, "Yes."

Thor looked between them but apparently decided things were normal enough to turn his attention elsewhere. His gaze turned to James and his eyebrows rose high as he took in The Cat.

"And what is this?" he asked.

James felt The Cat shift on his head, probably sizing up the new person. "That's my cat."

Thor beamed and took a step forward. "Greetings, Lord Mike Hat!" James automatically leaned back as Thor reached out. The Cat growled and batted his outstretched fingers with her claws unsheathed. James grimaced at the lines of red immediately decorating the demigod's skin. "A fierce warrior, indeed."

"Uh... he said 'my cat', Thor," Tony corrected.

"She's Hellspawn!" Clint declared as he finally sat up. "Keep clear of her."

"She's not friendly with anyone but Bucky and Tony," Steve warned belatedly. He looked mildly concerned as Thor again pursued reaching out to pet.

"My mistake. Lady Mike Hat!" Thor ignored the claws sinking into his finger. James couldn't really move anywhere. Experience had taught him it was worse to interfere, so he sat awkwardly as Thor let the claws sink into one hand and he used the opposite to pet the cat. Her growls turned into a very confused sounding chirrup. "There we go. Lady Mike Hat is merely more familiar with bloodshed than friendship. I am sure she will warm to her teammates with time."

"Her name's Hellspawn, and I bet you a hundred bucks she's never going to warm up to us." Clint watched the scene with a suspicious expression. "Aren't you just feeding into her hunger for blood, anyway? It's already bad enough."

Thor chuckled as he stopped petting the cat. The Cat's claws seemed to have withdrawn a bit, and he easily moved his hands out of reach. He stepped back and idly rubbed a thumb over the deep claw marks.

With a grimace, James apologized, "She's kind of vicious, sorry. Most of what I've read recommends not declawing, though..."

"They're idiots!"

"Clint..." Steve shrugged. "But maybe with her behavior you should—"

"She's fine," Tony countered with a wave of his hand. "Do you want her to pick up more bad behaviors? Start biting you and pissing everywhere?"

"How about confine her to Barnes' apartment," Clint argued. He seemed to be pouting, probably because this argument never went anywhere.

Natasha patted the archer's head condescendingly. "Then we'd never see James because Mike Hat wouldn't abandon her post."

Thor nodded solemnly, though there was a twinkle of humor in his eyes. "To bar a warrior from her post is great folly."

"She doesn't go into fights," James protested.

Natasha cast him a pitying look. "You haven't needed to go out since she adopted you," she pointed out.

"Well, she's not going to come along."

"Are you going to be able to pry her off your head?" Steve asked, a hint of true concern coloring his tone.

Tony raised his hand. "Already thought of it." With a smirk he hitched his thumb towards the elevator. "She can't resist DUM-E. We'll just send them to wreck havoc in one of the empty apartments while we're gone."

James closed his eyes and groaned at the imagined chaos that would cause. "We've got to work on a better plan."

"Hey!" Tony protested, looking affronted.

"Tactics aren't always your specialty," Steve noted.

"Do you want to wrestle her off his head?"

"Please, don't." James reached up and immediately felt a soft, fur-covered head bump against his palm. The resulting purr vibrated strangely against his head.

"She seems quite taken with you," Thor noted with a smile. "I welcome Lady Mike Hat to the Avengers."

Clint promptly protested, "Oh no, no, no. Hellspawn is not an Avenger. I do not need to see furball merchandise popping up on street corners."

"Are we really going with that name now?" Tony asked, nose wrinkling.

James shrugged carefully, a small smile pulling at his lips. "Well it has the name 'hat' in it, so..."

"But Mike's—" Steve started.

"Actually I've known a couple ladies who used the name," Tony interrupted. He still cast James a skeptical look. "You sure? I mean, we know Barton's going to stick with Hellspawn. But do you really want to register Mike Hat with her 'chip?"

"Lady Mike Hat," Thor, Natasha, and James corrected in unison. The others stared at them in surprise. Natasha grinned.

"Yeah, I think she finally has a name," James determined. He shifted his fingers out of the way of Mike's rough cat tongue. "JARVIS, please update her microchip information."

"As you wish, sir."

---

And thus the cat now has a name. Thank you Ghostbusters.

{Fic} It's my problem if I feel the need to hide | 1-12/14 | Pre-Steve/Tony

enmuse — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 04:46:57 GMT

So.... realizing I've been remiss in many ways with fic posting here! Make sure to check my AO3 for better updates.
Also, I'm back to using tumblr (for now).

Female Antonia Stark universe!

Title: It's my problem is I feel the need to hide (Starring Role 'verse)
Author: Enmuse
Universe: MCU
Pairings: developing Steve/Toni, background Coulson/Pepper
Rating: Teen
Warnings: This series' universe involves Toni having had a double mastectomy under less than stellar conditions, portions of this fic deal with that.
Summary: (The (first?) major story in the Starring Role universe.) Six months after the Battle of New York, Toni has yet to reveal Iron Man's identity to the team. Maintaining her secret identity is only one of many problems, though, as she builds new armors, struggles with developing relationships with her teammates, works on company projects, and tries to figure out why there's a group of people wearing yellow jumpsuits striking at her company. Keeping her secret identity is one of many problems, that is, until everything comes back around to that one secret.

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4746218/chapters/10848647

(Soooo close to done. This story is a great love of mine but also kind of the bane of my existence.)

{Fic} Cat Hat (1/1) | MCU | Gen

enmuse — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 04:38:49 GMT

Realized I hadn't posted this here on LJ. Since I've got a rough draft for the sequel, decided I needed to post here.

Cat Hat (On AO3)
a.k.a. "Isn't it supposed to be cat IN the hat?"
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Tony Stark, DUM-E, and The Cat
Gen || Faint traces of Barnes/Stark, potentially pre-slash
Words: ~1200
Summary: "What is that thing on your head?"

James raised an eyebrow in the expression of "are you dense?" as he attempted (unsuccessfully) to move the cat's tail from in front of his face.

Notes: The idea of Bucky and a cat came during my ongoing conversations with Rina while trying to work on two big bang projects I signed up for. I've done snapshots of the relevant parts of messaging here on tumblr. The story below started as a fill for a comment_fic prompt, but was restricted to six sentences, so this is what happened as I extended it. IDEK! This is my first attempt at writing Bucky.

---

"What is that thing on your head?"

James raised an eyebrow in the expression of "are you dense?" as he attempted (unsuccessfully) to move the cat's tail from in front of his face.

"Yeah, okay, got it - but why the hell is a feline on your head and in my workshop?"

"She sleeps in my hair, and," James sighed, "she hates everybody." Tony looked skeptical as he poked at one striped paw only to have his finger pulled into a little paw hug. In response to the silent question, James said, "She has a weakness for genius billionaires."

Tony moved his hand to rub his finger under the cat's chin. She purred in response, eyes slitting closed as she tilted into it. "I think she just knows who's likely to foot the bills for the best food and toys."

"Y'know, I can handle her fine. She's probably gonna be sticking to my apartment anyway."

"And yet you brought her down here." Tony rolled his eyes as he leaned away. James' new feline companion growled in displeasure, tail flicking insistently over his nose. Tony's eyes widened with delight but his lips stayed pinched together as he smothered a grin.

"We need to work on hat etiquette," James muttered as he tried to nudge the cat into a different position.

Coughing a laugh into his fist, Tony said, "I'm pretty sure cats don't take directions."

James grimaced as needle-like claws dug into his hair and scraped along his scalp as he tried to lift the cat away. He gave up as she started to yowl.

"You know we need to vote on adding new members to the Avengers," Tony commented, expression a study of innocence.

"She is not going out on calls to assemble." James crossed his arms and tried to ignore the cat re-settling on his head. Her tail and one of her back legs dangled in his face.

Tony's expression broke as he started chortling, eyes squeezed shut, eyelashes wet, bent over and grasping his stomach. It sounded like he was trying to say something, but no words were clear from the gasping laughter. Despite the fact that the over-the-top laughter was at his expense, James found himself grinning. The cat's tail flicked across his nose and he could feel her shifting again. He had to close his eyes as a paw scrabbled over his face. Tony's laughter increased in volume at whatever picture they made.

DUM-E rolled around a workbench, camera cocked to the side inquisitively. His eye shifted back and forth between Tony's hunched form and James a few times before he seemed to notice the cat. With a trill, DUM-E lifted his arm higher and focused his camera on the cat. His movement and sound apparently attracted the cat's attention. James had a moment's warning of the furry body on his head tensing. Then, with a little wriggle, the cat launched from his head with a battle cry and landed on DUM-E's base.

The attack led to frantic beeping and DUM-E speeding off. The cat tumbled off the bot, but quickly regained her feet and gave chase.

James stared in stunned silence.

Tony's laughter had died down enough that his breathing no longer came in short gasps. Still, he had to wipe at his wet eyes as he stumbled forward. He half-fell against James' shoulder. "Oh my god," he snickered. "Where the hell did she come from?"

Finally breaking free of his shock, James groaned, followed by a little, desperate chuckle. "I don't even know," he admitted. Without thinking about the potential consequences, he placed his hand against Tony's still shaking shoulder. "I was jogging back after my run and suddenly I had this creature on my head."

"S-stop," Tony managed to gasp around renewed laughter. He seemed to collapse against James, bracing himself with a hand on the other man's hip. "Oh my god th-that's the best thing I've—" he broke off into giggles.

James rolled his eyes, though he felt his lips curving in a broad grin. "Are you giggling? You're embarrassing yourself."

"Says the man with a cat hat!" Tony took several deep breaths before he straightened and looked up at James. There were tear tracks on his face and his eyes were still overly bright. His teeth flashed in a brilliant grin as his gaze focused on James' hair. "Guess you're updating your hairstyle from greasy hobo to cat-tousled."

James scowled. "Not greasy," he grumbled.

"Not anymore, sure." Tony's nose wrinkled and he looked a little less amused. "Wait, you're gross and sweaty."

James gestured towards the area where DUM-E continued running from the cat. "This is literally the first time she got off my head!"

Tony's face screwed up like he was trying to hold back another round of laughter. James sighed and dropped his arm. He startled when Tony brushed back tangled strands of hair from his face. James stared, certain he looked a little like a deer in headlights. Tony's expression softened, smile crooked as he met James' gaze.

"Your hair's a mess," he said. He grimaced as his fingers caught in a tangle. "Sorry. Just let me..." Tony lifted his other hand and his attention shifted to focus on James' hair rather than his face.

After a few moments of tugged hair and watching Tony raise up on his toes, James suggested, "I could sit down."

Tony froze, blinking rapidly as he turned his gaze to meet James'. "Uh... If you want to. I mean, you probably don't need me to—" he removed his hands and gestured vaguely. "And you kinda smell, so you probably want to take a shower. But I also really don't want your cat freaking out even more if you left without her. She's— Do you know how to stop her from harassing my dumb 'bot?" Tony turned abruptly and shouted, "DUM-E, you're bigger than her! Stop running and face the damn thing!"

DUM-E whined in response, sounding frantic as he circled a workbench with the cat in hot pursuit.

"Let's hope they wear themselves out," James suggested. "And, uh, if you can tolerate the smell, maybe you could... help me with my hair?"

Tony bit his lip, a seemingly unconscious gesture, as he glanced sidelong at Bucky. "We might need a scissors..."

"No cutting my hair!" James protested.

Tony grinned. "Then I suppose I better help you. If you go to Steve, he's going to take advantage and give you a haircut."

"I trust Stevie with a lot of things, my hair isn't one of them." James didn't think about the implications of that until Tony had turned to face him with a startled expression. James looked away first, ignoring a brief burst of nervousness.

Eventually, Tony reached out and with a gentle brush of his fingers on James' arm, indicated a stool nearby. "Let me get started on this mess, and we'll see if your cat chills out before DUM-E wears himself down."

Tony started working on the first tangle - it felt like a massive knot. He said, "You going to give her a name?"

James snorted. "Barton called her Hellspawn."

"I'm bad at names, but even I know that's a shitty thing to use."

"I'll think about it."

~

Check out the tag "series: cat hat" for additional stories.

{Poem} Adventure! // (written in 1997))

enmuse — Fri, 08 Jul 2016 16:33:26 GMT

Sorted through a bin of (mostly) my childhood artwork. Also several of my very early stories. (Like back from a time I couldn’t spell “what” and instead wrote it as “wate”.) I also had to grin when I found some of my mom’s very feminist materials including fun comics, the occassional photocopied article, and stationary from the Seneca Camp.

There was also, however, a very slim folder labeled 1997 and I found a poem I wrote. I actually quite like it, so I wanted to share.

ADVENTURE!
Across the vast horizon,
Across the desert sand,
The smell of adventure lives through the land.
So into her ship the warrior goes,
Seeks a fight but receives a prize,
The prize of adventure,
There was a myth that led her there,
Close to sea but far from land,
Adventure!
In a cave on the island,
She found a passage leading down,
Adventure filled her nose and down she went,
There she found the sea looking at her.
In all her life she’d never seen,
A place like this before.
Slowly and softly the sea crept in the cave
The time had come, she must get out!
But a call of adventure reached her ears,
And through a tunnel she ran,
The water chasing her all the way.
In the end it got its say.
Down she went,
But who could tell?
Is she alive today?

{Fanart} Bucky's rainbow arm

enmuse — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 16:32:57 GMT

I’ve wanted a piece of art like this all week. I tried again and again and kept failing at something, then finally last night I produced something I felt OK with. I’m not a great artist, and I’m still not particularly happy with it, but I’m glad I pushed through.

I have a couple ideas of how Bucky ended up with the rainbow arm. First of all, he asks for the others to help him change the colors of his arm.
1) Tony re-plates the arm with rainbow-colored metal.
2) Steve paints the arm.
3) It’s a combined effort.

Anyway. Yeah… needed to draw this.

I don't have a working scanner so it's not a great quality picture from my sketchbook... also, my hands tremble so it's interesting to take photos with my phone... Still, if it gets the point across I think I'm happy for now.

shoves random bought of writing at the internet

enmuse — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 02:39:54 GMT

Had a bit of dialogue pop into my head during a shower and I sat down to write this after I got out. Wholly unedited. Beware tense shifts. Bonus points for understanding the TV show reference.

Now, have some Tony and Fury at an alternate end to the first Iron Man film.

The lights were already on when Tony walked through the door. Not necessarily unusual, but some recently awakened instinct of danger cautioned him to keep close attention to his surroundings.

As he slowly stepped further into the entryway, Tony had half a second to think of calling JARVIS before a loud, familiar voice echoed from the living room: "Your uncle would like to see you." A dramatic flair of music followed the line and soon a theme song straight out of the 1960's filled the air.

Tony scowled in annoyance, his danger-tension reverting to frustrated-tension. He marched into the living room and came to a stop on the edge of the sunken area. "That joke was old before I was born," he accused as he glared at the man lounging on his couch. "What do you want, Nick?"

Nicholas Fury contrasted sharply against the white couch with his head-to-toe dramatic black attire. He tilted his head Tony's way, a smirk curving his lips.

"J, cut the static," Tony snapped.

The TV cut off on the image of the show's title screen. Fury said, "You used to giggle over the terrible plots while reinventing every gadget they used."

"Yeah? Children are dumb," Tony retorted as he walked closer. He crossed his arms and did his best to loom over Fury. Even though the other man sat in a relaxed sprawl against the cushions, it didn't seem like Tony was managing the looming very well. Maybe because he was still dealing with some major bruises underneath his pressed suit.

Fury arched an eyebrow as he looked up at Tony with his uncovered eye. "Surprised you stuck to the cards."

"Yeah, well, clearly your Agent Bland put a lot of effort into his project. I know how effective your disappointed glower can be on some people, seemed a shame to let such a nice boy like that deal with it."

With a snort, Fury replied, "Coulson has never been cowed anyone. Why the hell do you think he was assigned to you?"

Tony's jaw clenched for a moment and his gaze darted away. He didn't meet Fury's eye again. "I noticed you fobbed me off onto someone. Why make an appearance now?"

Fury shifted from his sprawl to sit up a little straighter. "Figured you wanted space, considering how you didn't call me as soon as you had access to a phone."

Tony threw his hands up in exasperation and fixed Fury with a glare. "Why the hell would I call? What the hell did you care about my disappearance? I'm sure the company kept on supplying you." Before the other man could say anything, Tony leaned in and asked lowly, shoulders so tense he felt like shaking, "Did SHIELD know? Did you have any inkling Ob— about the double-dealing?"

Although Tony knew full well how much Fury lied, at the moment he wasn't sure whether he wanted the truth or a lie. Fury didn't pull his punches. He leaned forward and met Tony's glare with a steady stare. "Black Market weapons dealing is nothing new, Tony. We had watch on some avenues. I did not know about Stane." Something dark, a more personal emotion, crossed Fury's face.

Tony nodded sharply before pacing away. He let out a quiet, shuddering breath as he stared blindly out the windows. He wasn't sure he could have handled finding out about another betrayal.

Long minutes of silence passed before Fury spoke again. "You did good." The quiet praise made Tony flinch, even though a tiny part of him warmed at the acknowledgment.

"I don't need your approval," he muttered.

"I suppose not." Tony heard the creak of leather as Fury stood up. "Your aunt would like to see you, alive and well."

Tony's mouth went dry. He took a careful breath against the pain in his chest that had nothing to do with his new accessory. He wanted to dismiss the comment, ignore it with a flippant quip. Instead he asked, "How is she?"

"It's becoming more noticeable. Probably less than a year before she should move into a 'home."

"I—"

"Honest opinion? You're running out a chances to find her lucid." Fury paused, but Tony didn't say anything else. "She wants to see you before she starts losing more time. We know you're not going near her when she starts seeing How—"

"I'll make time," Tony interrupted. He cleared his throat, hating that he had to blink his eyes clear before he turned around. He pulled up a haughty expression. "Is that all? Or did you plan to stay for dinner?"

Fury gazed back at him impassively.

"Director Fury, your ride is landing," JARVIS announced. Tony slanted his gaze to the windows and saw the movement of a helicopter before it was close enough to hear through the structure's insulation.

"I'm leaving you some proposed projects Stark Industries could take on for non-weaponry contracts with SHIELD." Fury gestured to the coffee table and a small stack of folders. He turned to head for the door and started walking. Tony didn't say anything. They'd never been big on goodbyes. A few steps from the door, Fury half-turned. He didn't quite look over his shoulder as he said, "I'm glad you're home, Tony." Sounding like an afterthought, he added, "The number still works."

Tony waited until Fury was nearly out the door. "Bye, Nick."

He stood still until he heard the helicopter leaving several minutes later.

*

*

Fic planning

enmuse — Sat, 28 May 2016 16:36:27 GMT

I signed up for (solo) Marvel Bang and also submitted my name for 5K+ story for WinterIron Bang on tumblr. I'm hoping I can complete one of those. I don't really have anyone to babble at about fic ideas, though. (Maybe I'm also still a little discouraged by the fact that I can't seem to finish up my Starring Role/female Toni fic despite having most of it written.)

I've got a couple ideas right now. There's still my post-AoU full of messed-up Tony fic... and then I've got a Winter Soldier breaks ties from Hydra earlier, and MCU events are set earlier, say the 90s. In that latter idea, while James is wandering and trying to figure out his identity, I kinda want him to cross paths with Xavier and the X-Men. (Anxiously awaiting going to see XM Apocalypse!)

IDEK. It's been a week where I've been super tired and I still feel loopy. Thankfully, tonight and tomorrow are my last days as cashier at Cub. (Fuck that job.)

What are you doing? Oh, just having massive emotions about fictional characters

enmuse — Sun, 15 May 2016 18:45:56 GMT

I'm rewatching Age of Ultron and from the very beginning my heart hurts. There's certainly faults in this moving, and there's a lot that's discordant, but JFC this movie makes me emotional.

Fic-writing and writer's block

enmuse — Sat, 14 May 2016 16:42:13 GMT

I think I've figured out why I don't have the gut-reaction to write fic for Cap: Civil War. It's not a film where I'd just want to slap a tag fic onto it, or some continuation, or even a small re-write at the end. There's too much of the film I'd want changed, it's a massive train-wreck in Tony characterization/motivation (and Zemo) as I talked about in my initial reaction post.

On the other hand, when it came to Age of Ultron, where I do have some major issues with some plot elements, it's a film I could mostly take on faith and feel comfortable tagging onto with writing. (Though Barton Family Farm doesn't gel with my accepted headcanon.)

I've been trying to sort out some ideas throughout this past week for writing. I have in-progress stories to be writing, of course. (So close to finishing my female Toni Stark multichapter fic.) Nothing's really grabbed hold of me and begged to be written, though. I wish my thoughts would come together enough to figure out something that could mesh elements of IM3, Age of Ultron, and maybe Civil War together since those are the films that muck with my headcanon the most. Things aren't falling in line, though.

I am thinking about an MCU timeline wherein Tony's not publicly known as Iron Man, though folks associated with the Avengers Initiative know. I'm hoping that having a element like that might spark some ideas. I also looked back at the large collection of quotes I collected for inspiration with my post-AoU idea I had last year.

Part of the complications I'm having right now is the struggle I have with balancing my Tony Feelings with the desire to not portray him to my readers as a victim. The difficult thing that comes up with a lot of guilt-wrecked, self-doubting Tony fics I read (and hey, I love 'em) is that almost all his flaws are explained away and others not handling that are somehow the bad guys and need to be the ones to change. So I'm kind of obsessing at the moment to find an approach that hits on my Tony Feels (and all that guilt and low self-esteem and my Howard hate) but doesn't forgive all his flaws, either.

Anyway. Just a post about thoughts of fic writing. I'd really like to get back into the habit. I've signed up for a solo run of marvel_bang. If anyone has ideas or would like to bounce around ideas, well, that'd be awesome.

My not very thorough reaction post to CA: Civil War

enmuse — Mon, 09 May 2016 20:59:21 GMT

This is the first film with Tony and/or Steve where I haven't felt possessed to write fic immediately after. (I guess IM3 I didn't, either.) I came away from the movie quite disappointed. Perhaps disproportionately so. It's probably a film I'll need to see again and parse through what was good, because right now the major problems I have with it overshadow pretty much everything else.

If you haven't read my fics and couldn't tell from previous reactionary posts, know that I'm a massive Iron Man fangirl. Years ago before I got into Marvel, I never thought I'd care for the guy. But Tony, with all his ridiculous flaws, became dear to my heart. I know I have very particular headcanon built up about him, but I feel like I can usually give myself a filter when thinking about what's actually been presented in MCU and what's colored by my personal interpretations and integration of comic lore.

CA:CW? Utterly failed Stark in key scenes. Tony's reason for backing the Accords works great, a lot of the matters regarding the Accords and his position in terms of the politics makes sense. Awesome. But the massive problems with Tony's characterization, and honestly my overall problem with the film, lays in the shit of (sorta)Ancient History.

1) What the fuck was that presentation shit at MIT? (Or the "Uncanny Valley" bit, as my friend termed it.) Tony at MIT giving a presentation - great! Scholarship fund - great! Facing a mother who blames him for her son's death - spot on! But the presenation itself? What? Just... WHAT? Why the hell would Tony ever open up about personal doubts like that - truly, deeply personal issues - with a large group, let alone strangers? (See? I'm filtering out my canon to deal with what comes out in MCU canon. Toss in my headcanon and I get all pissy about Howard Stark, who I hate and basically can only see as an awful father.)

2) The goddamn culminating end fight. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, what is that bullshit? I felt nothing besides incredulous at that bullshit fight with Bucky, Steve, and Tony. Again - REALLY? That wasn't what the film was leading up to, for one thing, and for another... Well, here's where this canon shit seems to fall apart and utterly fail the characters, IMO.

Firstly, I look at the video footage of Winter Soldier killing the Starks and watched Tony be shocked and was like - what? Given that SHIELD's files were all dumped public, I've always been of the mindset that Tony got through all that information. Thus, with MCU pressing the Soldier killing the Starks ((which does not fit with my accepted headcanon/meta)), I figured that Tony or JARVIS came across that info. My friend pointed out, when I said this, that the information came from Soviet files (or more accurately, I realized later, the scene with Zola in CA:TWS).

Secondly, I initially did not accept Tony's flying off the handle in reaction. My friend pointed out, and I calmed a little, that Tony's always been highly reactionary and emotional throughout MCU. We agreed that it was way over the top how much Tony flipped out. So I've come around to accepting that Tony would probably have to take some swings and have a bit of a physical fight with Bucky, then an all out shouting match with Steve. But there is no way in hell this should have been the knock-down, drag-out, culminating battle of the film fight. This should have been a side story.

I at least appreciate it that Tony only emphasizes "He killed my mom."

Thirdly, going beyond the highly questionable motivations of our heroes here (Tony, Steve, Bucky), there's the fact that apparently throughout the entire film Zemo was searching for solid evidence of the Starks' assassination in order to turn Tony against Steve and Bucky. I mean... what? WHAT? I can't get my head around this. So many pieces, an elaborate scheme, carried out in order to get to that one moment that's only going to really boil down to a confrontation between a couple of people? How could he even be sure that would work? How did he know that the Winter Soldier had killed the Starks? (If it's from SHIELD/Hydra dumped files, we go back to my initial thoughts that Tony would have found the information himself.) How did he know Steve or someone else hadn't told Tony about the Soldier's culpability already? How did he know that the revelation would be enough to utterly distract every superhero chasing him to let him get away (to go commit suicide)? How did he know it would only be Stark, Rogers, and Barnes at the moment of revelation? I can keep going on, because this is something that's now irritating me even more than the fail of Tony characterization.

See, if more thought had been put into creating Tony's motivations to get into a massive physical battle with Bucky (and Steve), I could accept things even if I was still unhappy. Make it an accountability thing. Make it a projection of Tony's own guilt complex. That would make some actual sense. But even if we had that... what the fuck would be the point of Zemo, then?

ARGH. Maybe I should stop typing. Now I'm getting mad about other things. Like I said at the start, the bullshit end fight left me feeling pretty bitter and extremely disappointed in the movie. Maybe upon a later rewatch and more consideration I'll be able to better accept it. (It took me a while before I accepted IM3 as a good movie, though, and even that I accept it as something divergent and not actually fitting into my accepted MCU canon.)

I have to say, this is doing a little to motivate me to getting back to writing some alternate or post- Age of Ultron stories that I have ideas for.

Edit: Additional comments

WTF abrupt kissing! The kiss between Steve and Sharon played out like a child playing with dolls and smacking them together: "Now kiss!" Sharon isn't a character that's been developed enough for there to be kissing. She and Steve barely interact between when they last saw each other in CA:TWS and the kiss. Also, were there no family photos in Peggy's room? And how did Steve not see Sharon at the funeral until she stepped up to speak at the pulpit? (Hitting on my headcanon - why wasn't Tony there? C'mon, he had to have met and sorta known Peggy...)

It's actually a big irritation rather than a "lesser issue" - but I had to roll my eyes over the fact that the iconic and rather horrific image of Steve with shield raised above a prone Iron Man was used in such a lousy excuse for a fight. It's not as bad as Star Trek: Into Darkness' decision to have Spock scream "KHAAAAANNNN" (I burst out laughing in the theatre when that happened), but it's still pretty back. Iron Man blasting Cap's shield at least fit alright. But the raised shield doesn't fit when Steve wasn't wanting or trying to kill Tony. (I can accept the film's setting the stage of setting up Tony to want to kill Barnes, but even fitting in with what the film establishes, neither Tony nor Steve were aiming to kill each other.)

I had some issues about missing characters, too. I'm disappointed Fury didn't make an appearance, though he wouldn't have fit too well I suppose. Maria Hill, though, was a weird absence, IMO. My friend said Pepper got Hill in the divorce. :p I replied that perhaps Hill and Pepper are off coming up with a plan to clean this shit up.

enmuse — Thu, 14 Apr 2016 02:08:01 GMT

As I approach my third run of ME3, I've been thinking since I've come home of advertising: "Will write fic for Bioware Points" (i.e. The Citadel DLC... maybe Omega and Leviathan too). I do have an ME fic in progress.

Probably will be fairly short, I need to figure out a good way to wrap it up. Just a little time stamp during ME3, angsty, another drinking session with Chakwas. I also have a few paragraphs set pre-resurrection with Joker visiting Shepard.

Yes, I'm still using Mass Effect games and fanfic as an escape from reality.

Thoughts on ME3/trilogy ending (Fairly brief, all considered)

enmuse — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 18:33:21 GMT

The endings are shit. (I should leave my post there, ha!)

I finished ME3 first on a cracked version without the extended cut. Given my deep abiding love for EDI and all the goddamn depressing loss throughout the game, I went with the synthesis ending at that time. Since then, I found an affordable option (G2A.com thank you) for getting the game and did the deluxe upgrade via Origin, so $16 total. Anyway, finished that replay the other night and at first accidentally did a refusal ending (so... I'm prone to randomly shooting things sometimes and I hate that fucking starchild so I shot him and suddenly got that ending), then redid the last bit and did the destroy ending.

I've watched all endings on YouTube as extended cut. I also was watching some music vids for ME last week and came across one to Linkin Park's "In the End" - which ultimately sums up the frustrating thing (and summarizes the utter shit of any/all endings): "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter."

While the extended cut offers some nice scenes, and I do like the narration from EDI in the synthesis ending (makes me teary) and Hacket's in the destroy ending, ultimately we're left with a shit end. I haven't delved in-depth to the indoctrination theory, though I can understand that interpretation. God knows that's the more logical interpretation. But that's still shit. And really undervalues the otherwise rich story of the trilogy. The crap endings here I would better accept and expect from ME1 back when the story universe was being built, but was compelling, and the solely interesting character with some reasonable development was Wrex. ME2 and ME3 offers some awesome story building and character development. The NPCs in ME3 bring a heartbreaking view of the worlds. To write what all happens in ME3 as pure indoctrination or dream theory or whatever.... it's lazy as all hell.

My own interpretation isn't fully formed yet. In my most recent playthrough I got more angry and irritated about the illogical (and doubtful) appearance of Anderson on the Citadel. He doesn't sound right, for one thing, his presence doesn't make sense, and if Bioware did intend him to be real, work on his physical appearance FFS. Shepard's torn up and thus so should Anderson. If he's supposed to be real, then there was super lazy graphics happening.

I guess personally I don't easily buy into Shepard having succumbed. There's something unique about her(/him) and she's posed a real threat from the beginning. Perhaps she is like Saren, Benezia, and the Illusive Man - strong-willed, stubborn, unique - and she was falling... so I guess I'll accept that she's not invulnerable. But look at how those three fought through and proved that they were still in there somewhere. I do doubt the child was real - whether he symbolizes an indoctrination hallucination or is more simply a figure representing guilt for the shit choices Shepard's had to make, all the people she's lost along the way of ME as a whole, he's a symbol rather than a person. And I doubt Anderson is really present at the end, though it makes the confrontation with the Illusive Man confusing as hell.

Anyway, I think I'm resigned to the fact that I don't accept any ending options. Not overly upset or angry, despite my swearing above, but certainly not happy - and it does greatly impact how much I'm willing to spend for the game and DLC as a whole. (The DLC is ridiculously overpriced, jeebus. But I will consider getting the DLC legit for ME2 because it's an excellent game with great character development. I just miss Wrex. Cuz he's still my favorite from ME1.) As much as I want to get The Citadel DLC to play for myself (I've seen clips and read about it, sounds amazing!) I am not willing to try figuring out my scarce finances to pay for something adding onto a game that has some huge flaws that honestly? really do disrespect the fans.

*shrugs* Anyway. My thoughts :p (Prompted by reading a bit about the endings, people's reactions, and the adaptations that happened between the first release and extended cut.)

Thanks & more thoughts

enmuse — Sun, 13 Mar 2016 18:56:30 GMT

Wanted to say thanks for the notes people have dropped my way, I appreciate it!

I had a wonderful Friday - good weather so got fresh air into the apartment, slept in as I decided to forego my conference, didn't work at all, played huge chunk of ME3, and got most of the draft of a cover letter done.

Saturday was mediocre - started well with more beautiful weather, finishing ME3, and finishing the rough draft (it's blah, but at least there's the draft). Then I went into work and get questioned by a bunch of people why I wasn't in on Friday evening. Pissed me off as I'd told the CSM two weeks ago I wouldn't be in due to a full day conference, both via phone call and a note. (I didn't tell anyone that I didn't end up going.) I'm likely to surprise whoever's on duty tonight when I say I have to cut my shift short, doubting that CSM passed it along. I'm hoping I can get out at 10 rather than 10:30 ((scheduled til 12:30, fuck that screw-up)). Had really been planning to call in sick (I've been getting flu symptoms recently), but have given in to do some hours.

Thought I was fine, pretty settled, and then I found myself crying and holding back more tears as I washed dishes long ago. Yet another confirmation that my meds need to be adjusted, I just hope it does some good. See my psych on Thursday so I'm kind of counting down the days. Just so tired of feeling like shit. Also frustrated by feeling like I can't fully talk this out with people because I'm aware that my monologues sound suicidal even though I'm not. I'm just so very emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. I swear my depression hasn't been this bad for so long in years.

Just... more words on a page. I don't like venting it here, something I haven't done for a while, but I guess it's back to something I need to do.

Take care.

Thoughts

enmuse — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 01:27:52 GMT

This past year or so has just been a series of deep depression cycles. Given how shit I'm (still) feeling lately, I might as well have kept my stressful manager job where I at least had decent pay with good benefits, loved the students, and liked what I was doing in many ways despite the shit environment. Now I'm in a decent working environment, decent hourly pay but shit hours and no benefits (re: teaching job, not my grocery cashiering), and still desperately unhappy. Won't get into details, but had a really tough day in class today and for the first time I cried after class because of the class and students. (Look, I've cried due to work before, but it was never due to the class itself and my students.) Didn't break down in front of my students, but I did when I went to give my supervisor a heads-up.

Anyway, that wasn't really what I wanted to say. I've been enjoying the YouTube playlist of Minx's and Sinow's Shit on Steam this evening and doing some reading (Mass Effect fic). Made me think about creativity, creating things and releasing them to the world to be subjugated to love and hate. As sometimes happens, I kind of had Some Deep Thoughts. It's always worth pursuing creative paths (whatever it may be - making games, writing, drawing, youtubing, etc. etc. etc.) and persevering when you try sharing it with the world - because it's inevitably going to brighten someone's day. Might be only one person, and maybe it ends up being something that makes someone laugh when that wasn't the intention, but... you did that. You helped someone. So despite the shit responses you might get, the cringing you might do over your old or sloppy work, it's a treasure find for someone even when they might not tell you.

So, yeah. That's my uplifting thought of the day. I'm going to go back to reading, drinking hot cocoa, and finishing my shot of rum. I just was not in a good mental space to write a cover letter tonight so that rough draft is on my list for tomorrow. Wish me luck.