Empty yourself of all emotion.

Last Voyages Final Entry

emptyyourself — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:44:17 GMT

[Public]

After some conversation with Sirius Black, it seems the time has come.

I have been aboard this ship for more than two years. I began as an inmate: angry, violent, and something of a martyr. I returned after my own graduation at first because I had nowhere else to go – and stayed because I found people and things worth all the madness we each endure on the Barge.

Many of those whom I knew are gone - it is a month for such departures. And now I have seen an inmate through to graduation. I am ready to go home, as well.

I will remain aboard for a week longer to allow Martha to set her affairs in order. I have run from this ship twice without warning; let us hope the third time truly is the charm, that enough warning has been given, and I find no need to return.

It seems customary to offer insight or platitudes to those who will be left behind; I have read many parting speeches dispensing advice to both inmates and wardens alike, and no two have been the same. We all have very different roads to travel, and my advice, then, is that you find yours quickly.

No one should remain here. This is not a home.

[Private to Friends – Tony Foster, Merlin, Una Persson, Trip Tucker, Agent Kay, Miss Parker, Rayne, Dick Grayson, the Doctor(s), Narvin, Molly Carpenter, Olive Penderghast, The Marquis de Sade, T'Pol, 21, Arthas, Lucius Malfoy, Toshiko Sato, and anyone I might have forgotten.]

Knowing that these are the last words I will write to you (my responses notwithstanding) is a rather overwhelming endeavor. In life, I had no such opportunity to bid farewell to those few whom I considered friends. Now that I am offered a second chance – as one is, by the Barge – it would be nothing short of churlish and ungrateful of me to not say the things I ought.

If you are reading this, you have been amongst the very few in this world and any other who are capable of tolerating my -

Of tolerating me.

You have, in turn, made the Barge tolerable for me. You have been supportive, compassionate, patient, and voices of reason and rationality. You have, in some cases, forced your friendship upon me. Though I have made no effort to show it, I am grateful – though if you are on this particular filter I suppose that goes without saying.

I will likely not miss you, but I will think fondly of you.

Occasionally.

[Private to Molly Carpenter]

I once told you, in a fit of drunkenness, that I would be proud to have a daughter like you.

I thought the sentiment bore repeating in a state of sobriety.

[Private to Arthas]

I feel, above all else I might say to you, that I owe you an apology. I have offered you friendship, and now I am leaving.

Understand that I am simply going home. I am not taking that offer from you; you have it wherever I am. When you leave this ship – and you will, one day – seek us out. You are welcome in our home.

[Private to Miss Parker]

Tell me your name?

[Private to Lucius]

Lucius,

I will avoid the preamble and begin, instead, with this: I do sincerely wish that what has passed between us here aboard the Barge could have somehow been avoided, but that is not the way of things.

Less than two weeks ago, you did the unexpected: you gave me good counsel regarding Martha. I had expected of her a good deal which I had not earned, and taken it for granted that I already had those things. If I am unwilling to put forth the effort, then our marriage is, indeed, a weak thing.

She is going with me. In return, I will earn the loyalty and love I want from her. Like respect, it should be earned. It is interesting that I was so loyal to Lily, for so long, and yet I had no concept of loyalty itself. I didn't understand its nature. I have been aboard the Barge for this long and only just now learned this lesson, and perhaps it is fitting that I learned it from you.

You never wronged me in my lifetime. But I did wrong by you for many years – and perhaps that is one of the reasons I was an inmate. I hold still that those things which I did were in the name of right, but my actions were no less inexcusable. Perhaps I would not change the course my life took, nor the choices I made, but I would not for the world wish you caught again in the crossfire. Protecting Draco is not compensation for that injury. Neither is shouldering the burdens of his life even until death. You can not compensate for the wounds inflicted upon others.

But Lucius, that is where my responsibility ends. You are an inmate for a reason, and I hope you are able to carry on, to rehabilitate, and do what must be done in the end. Your family is enviable - and is far more important than any politics you may yet hold. Remember that.

It may be some time before we see one another again. There will come a time, however, you will receive an invitation. For Merlin's sake, don't destroy it out of pique. I want you beside me on that day.

[Private to Bellatrix]

Bellatrix,

It is quite difficult to say those things which need to be said when there is so much bad blood between us. I will not ask your forgiveness for the things I have done in my life which run contrary to your beliefs because I do not need your forgiveness. I do not regret turning from the Dark Lord.

You have always been a strong woman. One of the strongest I have ever known. Once, you were a good woman, as well. I wonder why it is you felt it necessary not only to devote yourself to a cause which has so little value, in retrospect, but to a man to whom you have lost yourself entirely. It has caused you to become a broken thing, feeding on false hope and pride.

A strong woman like you, Bellatrix, should not lose herself to love, but be further strengthened by it. Do you understand? You should grow with it. It should bolster you and be your armor, and not the weapon used to do you injury. You have allowed your obsession to consume you – a state of affairs I know too well.

I have done what I can for you in the short time I have had left. I implore you to take advantage of this opportunity. Give the Barge a chance to be what you need. Seek some redemption for yourself.

[Private to Kay]

Thank you. I think our dynamic is one such wherein it is not necessary to say more than that, but I wish to say more.

You have, in the time I've known you, been the voice of reason I mentioned previously. When I have been troubled, I have been able to come to you and seek counsel. I have come away with new perspective and rationality. More than once, you have prevented me from overreacting in regards to Martha, and no doubt you have done the same for her with regards to me.

You have never asked for anything in return. I think, K., a good many people could take a lesson from you. I could take such a lesson. You are a true friend and I will feel your absence quite keenly when I am home.

I wish only the best for you and Narvin.

[Private to T'Pol]

T'Pol,

I did not appreciate you as an inmate, nor for a long while after. I should have. You have a difficult task here on the Barge, and you have managed it with aplomb.

Often, I have come to you seeking, appropriately, a logical outlook to my various (petty) problems. You met each challenge with patience and practicality. I have found – and will find, no doubt, upon my return home - that warden's job does not end when the inmate graduates, and you have shouldered that burden without complaint.

I know you believe you did little for me as a warden, but there, you are wrong. If only a letter alone could truly change a person. No, you have taught me what it is to be a decent human being (no small feat, in that you are not human yourself), a mentor, a guide, and an advocate. You are a strong woman and few on this ship have my respect as you do.

[Private to the Admiral]

Thank you.

[Private to Martha]

Home?

Backdated to Saturday

emptyyourself — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 17:33:13 GMT

[Private to Sirius]

I have recently spent a good deal of time considering the direction my life has taken, as well as words of advice dispensed to me during counsel given on another matter:

"Let weak things perish as they must."

The advice was not dispensed save in a very specific capacity, but as I said: I have been thinking. You asked me what your next step was towards rehabilitation. I believe it is not your step, but mine. I can not help you if I hate you.

When we were boys, you played a prank. It nearly resulted in the loss of my life. I have spent the past four months attempting to impress upon you the seriousness of what you did.

Had I lived, I would be forty. I have a family to consider, and I now wonder what they will think of a man who holds a twenty-five years old grudge. I believe the time has come for me to acknowledge several things:

Firstly, I was not blameless. Perhaps I did not start a good many of our confrontations, but I certainly helped to perpetuate them.

Secondly, it was a mistake – one which did not require decades of hatred.

Perhaps I was assigned to you because these were lessons I yet needed to learn. I need not be your friend, but I can sit in the same room with you now without drawing my wand. Even if it pains, frustrates, irritates me to write these words (and, indeed, I have snapped two quills in half), I have written them. I shall consider it progress.

As to your rehabilitation: since your arrival, I have maintained that you did not deserve to be an inmate. I have advocated for you because, in spite of our feud, you are a good man

That pause you may have perceived was the loss of another quill.

I have not read your file, but I know that your life has never been as easy as I would like to believe. You have a difficult road ahead of you, and you will find I will exacerbate matters. This is in my past, and I can do nothing to correct it. I will say now to you, however, that I am regretful. Truly – my behaviour was inexcusable.

I suppose there is more to be said, but I have other matters to which I must attend, and if I continue with this semi-saccharine rubbish, I'll throw myself overboard. So I shall conclude with this:

I do not like you, but I respect you.

Grudgingly. Very grudgingly.

Our feud is a weak thing. I would prefer to give it a long-overdue burial.

[Private to Martha]

Martha, I am writing this now in the hopes that I might say all that needs to be said. Were we to have this discussion in person, I suspect it would go just as well as our last.

I have spoken with Lucius. Before you object, I will state for the record that he gave me remarkably good counsel for someone with such an objection to you, and I, being a relatively intelligent person, have given this a good deal of consideration on my own.

To begin, I owe you an apology. Two, in fact. First, my response to your decision was far too emotionally charged and unreasonable. I viewed your decision as a choice of your inmate over me - and whether it was or not, I ought to have remained calm. Instead, I invited argument for the sake of argument. I apologize.

Second, I have done you an injustice. I have held our marriage in comparison to that of the Malfoys, presuming that your loyalty would be the same to me as Narcissa's is to Lucius. That you would choose family above all else. When I broached the subject with Lucius, he reminded me that they have been married for two decades, and it has not been easy. Our situations are not the same. I thought you were unshakably loyal to me. My expectations were too high, and when I was confronted with reality, I reacted poorly. For all of that, I am sorry, also.

That is all you are owed of me.

He also, in some context, suggested the appropriate response was either to bring you around to my line of thinking - or say 'yes, dear', and trust you have my best interests at heart.

I do not believe you have my best interests at heart, Martha. So I shall tell you my line of thinking and you may make your decisions from that point.

Arya. This girl is an inmate. She is not your child, no more than Mozenrath was mine. Just as Mozenrath rehabilitated with the aid of another warden, so would Arya. Just because you believe you are able to help her does not mean you are the sole person who can.

There is, too, the matter of our expectations of one another. When it seemed you wished to leave, I reminded you time and again that I would take no insult in it if you chose to go. You did not offer me the same consideration.

If I can not expect you to abandon Arya, and you wish me to remain aboard with you, there is a fair deal of hypocrisy in expecting me to abandon the inmate I am assigned next. It is a rare thing when two inmates graduates simultaneously.

I cannot make you leave. If you wish to stay, that is your choice. However, you are here willingly, Martha. I was brought here against my will. I remained here for you and for Mozenrath, thinking that, when his time was done, there would be nothing to hold us here. I placed him above you as you placed Coyo. above me. I did not think you would prioritize another inmate above me, but that is neither here nor there. In short, I do not want to be here. This is not a home to me; it is a prison. I was imprisoned here, I have experienced horrors and suffering here, and I do not like being here. The expectation that I would stay in some perpetual cycle of inmates is inconsiderate and unjust.

It is your decision to remain aboard for Arya. If you truly believe you are the only one who can help her, you have my blessing to stay. Do so in good health.

However, I have a right to a decision of my own, and it is this: I will see Sirius Black through to graduation. If he does so within the month, I will remain aboard until the year is out. Come December 30th, I will leave with or without you.

I will not turn you out again, whatever you decide. I will wait for you at home if you wish it. If not - it is not something I enjoy considering, but I have attempted to keep emotion at bay. If my departure from the Barge is what ends our marriage...well, I will say then that I did, indeed, take too much for granted, and am willing to allow weak things to perish as they must.

Be warned, that there are consequences to any decision. I am willing to accept the consequences of the decision I have made. Weigh yours carefully, Martha. There is guilt in leaving an inmate to whom you have grown attached, but there will also be guilt in choosing that same inmate over your spouse. You must decide which burden is yours to bear.

I do love you. That I have taken time to write this should be evidence enough of that.

[Private to Lucius]

Remarkably good counsel.

Problem solved.

[Read: Thank you.]

emptyyourself — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:41:02 GMT

I have been here decidedly too long when this sort of incident not only fails to surprise me, but is welcomed.

[Private to Sirius]

I suggest you take advantage of the Network today. I spoke with Potter, Lupin, and Albus when this last occurred.

[Private to Lucius]

Make use of your communicator. You may have some luck in contacting your wife today.

[Private to Mozenrath]

Do you wish to postpone until tomorrow?

Written

emptyyourself — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 11:10:57 GMT

I think it is high time we treat the month of October as nonexistent from now on. Nothing good comes of it on this ship.

I wonder, has anyone begun keeping a record of every failed attempt to escape the ship perpetrated by the inmates? They do seem to have a talent for backing the wrong horse. Perhaps if a written log of such incidents were made available upon arrival, the inmates would direct their efforts toward more useful pursuits.

Rehabilitation comes to mind.

[Private to John Connor]

Your inmate wishes me to play at espionage for her and inquire after the extent of your injuries.

[Private to Lucius Malfoy]

When you have recovered, I believe our postponed discussion is in order.

[Private to the Marquis]

I intend to speak with Lucius tonight or tomorrow. Is there anything further you wish me to relate to him?

Furthermore, I have a recommendation, if I may?

[Private to Martha]

I suggest you steer clear of Lucius and Bellatrix for some time, once she is released from Level Zero and he has his magic restored.

I doubt he can cast so much as a Summoning Spell at the moment.

[Private to Mozenrath]

What have you decided regarding our previous discussion?

[Private to Dick Grayson]

Are you still conducting your self-defense lessons?

[Private to Sirius Black]

I have a suggestion.

emptyyourself — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 07:32:24 GMT

Why are our less hazardous ports so distinctly European of late?

This is preferable to disease-riddled dinosaurs, I suppose. ~~Though not by mu~~

[Private to Sirius Black]

Meet me on deck.

~~...Is Lupin still comatose? I believe you and I might attempt to murder one another before this port is over.~~

He has given me a credit card. How much do you dislike the Admiral? (That is, in proportion to our dislike for one another.) Greater or lesser? Enough to attempt to test the limits of ostentation?

[Private to Lupin]

Are you awake?

[Private to John Connor]

The docking notwithstanding, I would like a word with you regarding your inmate.

[Private to Lucius and Bellatrix, not visible to one another.]

I do not recommend escape attempts.

[Private to the Marquis]

Home, sweet home?

[Private to Mozenrath]

Have you spoken with Arkady?

[Private to Martha]

Have you an inmate - interim or otherwise?

Private to Mozenrath - Written

emptyyourself — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 12:50:47 GMT

If it is still in your possession, the Marquis is in need of the first of the Rowling books.

Written - Coaching the Self-Proclaimed Hufflepuff

emptyyourself — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 22:14:25 GMT

[Private to Martha]

Understand that the purpose of this little intrigue is not to establish yourself as a strong, independent Muggle in his eyes, but as my wife and equal. He will learn in time that you are worthy and capable and you will earn his respect independently as you do with others. This is simply to establish a healthy respect for our marriage and to discern whether he intends to do you harm.

This may well chafe at your pride, but it is necessary.

First and foremost, remember that he is wealthy – and all that entails. Lucius will be mannerly to a fault, but he has little tolerance for the lower classes. He is not stupid, and he will not take kindly to condescension, discourtesy, or boorishness.

He will antagonize you. It will be subtle and hurtful, and he will treat you with disdain. Do not rise to his bait. No sly retorts, no irate outbursts. It will be his intention to provoke you, and you must not allow it to happen. Treat him respectfully and bear any perceived insult with grace. Ignore it, in other words. He is testing you. He will respect you far more if you restrain yourself than if you fly off the handle.

If you have any grievance with me at all during his visit, do not make him aware of it. No angry comments or ugly looks. Set it aside until he leaves. He must see us as a united front. I would not normally tell you to refrain from jests about my deplorable personality, but Lucius may take it as a method of angling yourself into his good graces. Best to avoid it. Don’t attempt to get around him or maneuver him; be straightforward and leave the manipulating to me.

We'll leave the television in full-view; you might bring some of your movie collection and books. I'll clear out shelfspace for you. We want to establish it as a shared space, not to mention your home. Offer to take his cloak if he’s wearing it. Don’t take offense if he flings it at you, though I doubt he will; hang it up by the door. Don’t offer to take his cane - I’m sure you can work that one out on your own.

Offer him a drink but don’t give him an option. If he doesn't specify, he may be watching to see what you select for him. I have brandy he’ll appreciate. I’ll show you the glasses to use. …No, nevermind that. Use the tumblers you would for firewhiskey. We don’t want a flawless performance or he’ll cotton on that I’ve coached you. He may well do, anyway, but he expects fallibility from me. I’m of the impoverished, taciturn, pedagogic set, you see.

Allow him to direct the conversation. If he questions you, give him the bare minimum. Don’t expound on topics, don’t elaborate. If he wishes for more information, let him ask for it. It places the conversation more firmly in your control if he is obliged to press matters to sate his curiosity. Do not tell him that I was instrumental in the downfall of the Dark Lord. That is a discussion for another day.

I’ll attempt to curry favour by lauding you as the closest this ship has to a Healer. He’ll no doubt wish to avoid the infirmary, and if he must rely upon you (and me) to provide his medical treatments, he might be less inclined to do you harm.

If I make some sign that I wish you to leave the room, do so. Excuse yourself – don’t say ‘loo’, just excuse yourself – and give me five minutes alone with him.

Above all, don't think of any of this as lying. Think of it as a chess match, and remember that I am on your side.

I won't ask him until I see an appropriate moment. It must not seem contrived. You may have a week or two to assess the above.

Written - More Canon Rant.

emptyyourself — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 17:13:26 GMT

[Public, Filtered away from Lupin and Black]

Nothing says life's not fair like showing young adults that regardless of effort, victory will be snatched from them if the opposing side has a hero in their ranks.

I am not unaware that I have been accused of bias as a teacher, but awarding one hundred and seventy points in the eleventh hour in reward for blatant rule-breaking and acts of self-endangerment? House points are awarded for academic achievements or failures, not disregard for authority. What, precisely, does that teach to the recipients? More to the point, what does it teach to the students who diligently worked for every last one of their triumphs?

This returns to my original point: what, exactly, does turning away the entirety of Slytherin house during a war teach those selfsame students about bias?

Oh, it is very well and good from Potter's perspective to say that I was biased in favour of my house; perhaps I was right to be. Certainly, no others were.

I notice these stories are decidedly lacking in detail with regards to anything other than Draco Malfoy's antics. If I didn't know any better - and I do - I would say Slytherin was comprised of spoiled, bullying, prejudiced miscreants, and not a one of them a Muggleborn or Half-blood.

If these are, indeed, Potter's perspective - and I sincerely hope you are reading this, Mr. Potter, if you've not thrown in the towel and disappeared once again - then the subject of bias is not one you comprehend to the fullest extent.

[Someone just saw the first Harry Potter movie and had a lot of bad memories dredged up. Someone is not in a good mood.]

[Private to Arthas, Sirius Black, Merlin, Remus Lupin, and Mozenrath. Not visible to one another.]

Much as it pains me to phrase my request in such a way: I am in need of a favour.

[Continued Private to Arthas]

I can expect you today, I assume?

[Private to Arkady and Tirion]

A word.

emptyyourself — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 19:46:17 GMT

Would it be of any use at all to point out that comfortable lies exist for a reason, or has someone else already stated the obvious?

[Anti-Infirmary Filter - Everyone on the Infirmary Filter, including Martha, has been excluded.]

Indulge my curiosity. How many amongst you refuse to allow yourselves to be poked and prodded by the infirmary staff? How many of you distrust doctors, modern medicine, etc.?

[Infirmary Filter]

To whomever amongst you keeps inventory: I no longer have the time or inclination to provide for your stores. I suggest you seek aid from Merlin, Lupin, or my inmate in the future.

[Private to Sirius Black]

Have you had sufficient time to recuperate?

[Private to Mozenrath]

Any awkwardness presented by the flood aside, have you taken to heart what we discussed?

Written

emptyyourself — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 12:35:51 GMT

I happen to agree with what was said once by someone now long gone: there is at least something tacky about trading another person’s soul for a reward.

That hasn’t stopped me from making a deal, mind. I have, at various points during my time here aboard the Barge, had a deal to survive my own death, a deal to allow me to return with Martha to her world, a deal which would allow her to come to mine, and no deal at all. More often than not, it has been the latter. The only roadblock was my death, and apparently when I graduated, that was altered in my favor. I didn’t know this until recently, when I asked the Admiral. His reply was essentially “Whoops”, and when I subsequently returned home - home being 2008, Loch Walton, Scotland, where I have a brilliant house with a library which elicited an emasculating squeak from me when I first saw it - I found myself with ten years’ worth of Sunday dinner invitations to the Burrow and one missing Dark Mark. Well done, me.

We’ve found that we can make our own way in most things without asking the Admiral to intervene – which I think is as it should be. (Although, I did use one of the port credit cards to the point of abuse. I highly recommend to everyone who might still have theirs left over from Germany or New York: if you take a holiday from this ship, take the credit card and spend lavishly. I didn’t need it, but I attained a vindictive sense of satisfaction every time I remembered being ripped to shreds by Cenobites or having my head chopped off or spending a weekend as Harry Potter, and was able to drop five hundred pounds of the Admiral’s money on something utterly and completely ostentatious. Retail therapy at its finest.)

All that said and done, when I was assigned Sirius Black, it began to occur to me that I really should ask for a deal. I should try to get something out of it if I’m going to expend actual effort in rehabilitating the man – which I fully intend to do. I’ve been discussing with Martha the idea of asking for her to be a witch, in the absence of anything else I could possibly want. I don’t need superficial things. I don’t need money. I’m in good health. If I want a shop of my own or any other form of occupation, it isn’t something I need to ask from the Admiral. Those are possible things. The Admiral is for impossible things.

There’s probably an ethical and moral dilemma involved in dealing with a near-omnipotent entity to make a muggle not a muggle anymore (not to mention using my enemy’s soul as a bartering chip in the process). Much as I would like to say I’m still on the fence, as it were, about following through with it, I’ve already begun lending her books on Healing and allowing her to help me brew potions. Just the dicing and chopping bits, mind, and not the actual brewing. I think subconsciously I’ve already come to a decision on the matter. That’s ignoring the plethora of laws I’ve broken, but then again, I’ve never particularly cared about the legality of anything I’ve done in the course of my life. Why should I start now?

Of course, it does make things rather problematic for me, in that I’m attempting to impress upon at least one person the importance of following the letter of the law in my world. I’m an enormous hypocrite, but that isn’t surprising at all, is it?

As we’re on the subject of magic:

I was wrong to provide Aleera with a love potion, and I recognise that fact. I made an error in judgment. The accusations that I was a rapist, however, were out of line, and I decided that I would refrain from providing anything of a magical nature to the Barge populace, because, as history is taught to me and mine, Muggles (as with most everyone, but Muggles specifically in this case) tend to blow things out of proportion and I was honestly afraid of being lynched or burned at the stake.

Being called a rapist is both insulting and horrifying, and not only because that potion was, while not harmless, not of the sort which would cause anything but a little simpering and writing of bad poetry. Anyone who behaved otherwise (that is, with violence and force) was already inclined to behave that way. Do you know the sort of stigma which can follow a person throughout their entire lives as a result of that word? Any accusation of sexual abuse, regardless of its veracity, can destroy a life.

[Inserted after his conversation with Rex:]
There ought to be a break here as I move from one topic to the next. I dislike that I was accused of rape, and believe, while responsible for what occurred, that this was an unfair assessment.

Next topic.
[ /Insert]

It still bothers me to this day, and the idea that I am being unfairly judged by my peers is exacerbated when people distrust me simply for the fact that I’m a wizard. You might as well distrust, oh, Ardent for being a dwarf, or the doctors for their occupation.

Did you know I am entirely capable of increasing the food stores? I’ve done it once. Do you remember the blackout, when the heat disappeared and nothing replenished? I could have heated every room and multiplied the food – and thus kept you all alive for as long as necessary. It would have been almost effortless for me. It's child's play.

I wouldn’t have asked for anything in return, because being thanked makes me uncomfortable. I provided aid to the infirmary (I invite you to speculate as to why) and heated my own room. It’s within the capabilities of myself, Lupin, Bellatrix Lestrange, and my own inmate to do so. I chose not to do more because you had all angered me to the point of refusing even the slightest bit of help only a week before.

I currently provide blood replenishing potions and healing elixirs to the infirmary. Go right on and guess why I do that, too. I'll even give you a hint: her name begins with an M and ends with my surname. I am a very biased person and will ignore my own morality for someone who treats me with even the slightest bit of respect and kindness.

I also provide hangover remedies to anyone who asks. I can make truth serums, salves for burns, cures for the common cold, poisons, sleep aids, aphrodisiacs, painkillers, and potions to fix bumps, bruises, scrapes, lacerations, and buck teeth. I spend a week of every month brewing a potion to fix a werewolf.

Would the Barge function without me? Oh, absolutely. Spare me your indignation, because I'm actually not interested in hearing how you think I'm a self-righteous git. I am acknowledging it here and now: You do not need me. The Barge can manage without me. You’ve done so before, and quite admirably.

...

But it wouldn’t be as comfortable.

Here’s the point of it all: It’s within your best interests not to judge others simply because they have magical ability, and not to attempt to rob them of it when they arrive here as inmates. You never know when you might need to rely upon them, and when they might be disinclined to help you because you called them a rapist.

Or robbed them of their magic when they first came aboard as an inmate.

...

I would also like to expand upon what I said in my last entry: I was discussing the reasons I'm a bastard to most of you. Yes, it's true I don't like feeling inferior and I do have abandonment issues, as well as a deep-seated sense of self-loathing.

In many cases, however, I simply hate you. You'll have to sort out for yourselves whether I'm brusque with you because I dislike vulnerability, or whether I think you're a waste of space. If I have never said a kind word to you, or threatened to kill you, or refuse to spend quality time with you, it's probably the latter.

I find it thrilling and amusing that Martha thinks this is an attractive quality in me.

[Warning: Potentially triggering content.]

emptyyourself — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 17:01:16 GMT

If people are going to talk about masturbation, I'm going to talk about what I want to talk about - not because I don't engage in the practice, but because I don't need to and I have no personal sense of identification with those who are discussing it. I probably have more sex than anyone else on this ship.

I'm very smug about it.

I want to talk about Martha. I don't do it often, because I'm intensely private and feel it's no one's business, but also because I don't think anyone particularly cares.

I love her very much. People tell me I don't deserve her and I agree with them. I don't think very highly of myself, whereas I do think very highly of her. I try very hard for her and always will because I don't deserve her and I know how lucky I am.

I really wish people would stop telling me, though. It hurts my feelings. I expect it from Sirius Black, but when it's my colleagues, I wonder how it is you've worked with me all this time and still don't have a single good opinion of me, or at least the self-restraint to keep such things to yourselves.

By they way, I think you're all extremely ungrateful to Martha for the work she has put into that infirmary for years. She continued to work in spite of her own prolonged torture and murder, sometimes fourteen hours a day with Svetlana (whom I respect and who I believe is also treated unfairly and with the same disregard, but she isn't my wife and she has other people to speak up for her), during floods, ports, mass deaths, SARS, and plague outbreaks. Martha doesn't deserve to be treated the way she has been. She makes mistakes, but she works harder than any of you, and I believe you all have short memories and make snap judgments.

I also believe many of you treat her deplorably on a social basis, including her friends - with the exception of Tim Drake and some others who I can't be bothered to remember right now. I was the one to comfort her and ask after not only her murder, but her relationship with Tom (whose last name escapes me because I don't like thinking of her marrying another man). I should not have been the one to console her. I am a horrible human being and a terrible friend.

I've been holding my tongue about all of this because I think you'll all discount my opinions due to the fact that I'm married to her. I think it would do more harm than good for me to interfere, but on the other hand, I worry that it makes me a bad husband that I'm not defending my wife right now, when she needs it most.

I wish her friends would stand up for her. It would help her and serve to alleviate me of some of my guilt.

I don't like feeling guilty. I also don't like feeling powerless, confused, weak, or unintelligent. That's part of the reason I'm such a raging bastard to all of you. The other part of it is I'm afraid if I do let down my defenses and allow someone to befriend me, they'll either leave like Bernard, Lockhart, and Hix did, and like Kay will do, or they'll decide I'm not someone worth knowing.

That goes for Mozenrath. I know he wants to be my friend, but it's easier to keep things professional because he's also friends with Sirius Black and might decide he likes it better on that side of the fence. It would probably break my heart to be rejected like that by him, of all people, because I care about him.

[Private to Bellatrix]

I'm contacting you because I'm unable to wait you out any longer and want to know if you've finally discovered that I not only turned on the Dark Lord years ago and was instrumental in his downfall, but that I've married a muggle.

I'm not worried that you'll try to kill me, but I do feel bad about your situation - the situation wherein you died, lost your idol, and were imprisoned here - and think this might be insult to injury.

Also, I'm worried you'll kill Martha. I really don't want you to kill Martha. She's been through a lot, and I want to protect her. It's not because I want to impress her - even though I do, because it makes me feel like I might possibly be good enough for her when she's impressed with me. I just think she's very small and a muggle, whereas you're insane and probably hate me.

I'm also worried you'll tell her about the time I slept with you and she'll think I enjoyed it. I didn't enjoy it. I thought I might be homosexual after I couldn't attain an orgasm with you. I realise now that you are simply terrifying and sex should not involve alcohol and biting.

...Although now that I think about it, my sex presently involves alcohol and biting sometimes, so I'm confused.

I guess it's just you. It's not me, it's you.

Thank Merlin for that.

Written

emptyyourself — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 19:52:42 GMT

[Private to Sirius]

Check in.

[Private to Lupin, added later]

[Assuming Lita is still on hiatus and Sirius is off-barge.]

Black is not responding to my communications. His room is still his own. I don't know whether he has disappeared or is simply being obstinate.

If you would, please...?

[Warden Friends Filter + Mozenrath]

I seem to have misplaced my inmate. Have any of you happened to stumble upon him?

[Private to Bellatrix Lestrange]

You are never this silent.

Text - Public

emptyyourself — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 14:43:26 GMT

[The following entry has been made from Martha’s communicator.

After about an hour or two, the responses were all marked 'Private'.]

i am never getting off this ship he takes away my inmate when it was going vry well and takes away coyoquiha coloyqu blody hell nevrmind how do you make the audio go on this never understood the txt function why does no one WRITE anymore its a lost art usng a quill and no one does it everyone using mobil teelpohnes andlaptop computes no one WRITES aztecs so absurd why cant they have normal names like fred? fredis a very normal name or SUSAN but no its alwys something with a load of x and q and h and it isnt said like you spell it is it no its coyshakwee or smthing but we call her coyo because the other way is long and noone can spell it ever and it sounds like sneezing Moznrath is long tooo but BUT i am very proud of moznerath you know hewas an exemplarary inmatre you are really exemplary moze exemplary and now who do i have i ask you who SIRUS BLACK and then bellatrizx comesand then he turns me into a squirrel and lupin withhis stupid potion do you know how LONG it takesto brew a wolfsbane potion but you don’t care do you THREE HOURS LUPIN EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK three hours evryday and now i have to spend it with SIRRUS merlins balls sprry merlin nothng below the waistband i always forget but you’re a legend your bollcks are profane but you havnt got a beard MERLINS BEARD then and potter is just insult to injury like ALWAYS potter you are insult to injury thats what you are itsinsulting a SQUIRREL. a hat fetishizing squirell. this is because i didnt invite you to the wedding isn’t it bernard well we didnt have enough WINE for that and people gatecrshed anyway bloody albus inviting everyone when i only wanted lucius and possibly minervaa but no he had to tell EVERYONE just EVERYONE and then redheads EVERYWHERE bloody weasleys trying to breed an army hasnt she EVER heard of birth control i askyou

[Spam for Harry]

[Snape is currently curled around a bottle of firewhiskey on the floor in a secluded corner of the library. He's looking cleaned up a bit - like someone's been taking care of him. Hair washed, sort of. He might not look quite as pale as normal, thanks to a recent holiday. Of course, his clothes are rumpled, and he's blisteringly drunk and in rare form, so it all balances out.]

[Other spam welcome. He's been 'hiding' in the library for a few hours - since the Admiral brought everyone back and he found some clothes and the bottomless bottle of firewhiskey Martha gave him for Christmas. So long as whoever finds him leaves before Potter comes to scrape him off the floor.]

Video

emptyyourself — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 22:16:35 GMT

[...Talking squirrel. That is all.]

I seem to have misplaced my mode of transportation.

Has any weary traveler happened upon a young maiden of sixteen, short, skinny as a beanpole? Black hair, wears a hat. Might be passing herself off as a boy.

If someone has kidnapped her, I would very much appreciate her return. Unless she's been placed under one of those enchantments, in which case she'll need a prince and I will need a new companion with a suitably comfortable hat.

Large pockets would also be acceptable. Preferably female, as I notice the menfolk tend to do a bit of adventuring in and around dangerous fauna, and I have no intention of become a side dish to some gallant knight.

No, thank you. I've a difficult enough time avoiding hungry brigands without adding dragons into the mix.

emptyyourself — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 17:24:12 GMT

[Private to the Admiral]

Why have I been given a file for Sirius Black?

He has a warden.

[...]

No. No.

I won't -

I won't. He has a warden.

[Private to Martha]

...I can't do this.

[Private to Sirius Black]

There has clearly been some mistake.

[Private to the Admiral, added later:]

Restore all of Black's magic to him.

Written

emptyyourself — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 19:04:28 GMT

When I was younger, I spent more than my fair share of time on invention and experimentation. Granted, my projects were not the noblest uses for my talents – as others will no doubt agree. Modifications to a slicing hex, levitation spells, potions, a curse to –

In any event. When I first came aboard, I did attempt to turn my attention to such things to occupy myself rather succumbing to a perpetual state of ennui, but of my projects, one was destroyed by my counterpart on the other Barge, and one came to an abrupt end upon the departure of Max Guevara. Since, I have succumbed to routine. Hangover remedies and supplies for the infirmary. At the risk of making the most pretentious of statements, I can be compared to a master artist…whose talents have been wasted on painting houses.

Before I left, I was involved in a discussion with a colleague here regarding what could best be described – for the ease of comprehension by the general population - as a science experiment. Breaking from the routine and returning to it once more after six months has left me somewhat disillusioned. I’m envious of his ability to find a project of that nature and execute it, whereas…I have blood replenishing potions and cures for the common werewolf.

For once I have no serious complaints about my life save that such an enclosed society has limited my options. I don’t feel challenged.

And now I have no inmate. I find I’m forced to acknowledge that I’m bored.

If superstition holds, I will sorely regret that admission in the coming weeks. ~~Perhaps we'll put into port in my world for once.~~

Written

emptyyourself — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 21:27:32 GMT

Allow me to express my most sincere astonishment that so much melodrama can be compressed into three days.

I believe my last entry intimated something to the effect that I would field complaints or questions about my departure upon my return. I seem to recall at least one person was simply frothing at the mouth at the thought that I was swanning off the ship as it suited my whims.

Here I am. Enthrall me.

[Friends Filter - If he talks to you and hasn't called you something unpleasant (or vice versa), you're on it today.]

What petty theatrics have I missed?

[Private to Mozenrath]

I have ~~a gift~~ a book for you.

[Private to Coyolxauhqui]

Your warden, as promised.

[Private to Remus Lupin and Sirius Black]

Several mutual acquaintances send their warmest regards.

~~...I am not an owl.~~

[Private to Martha]

I can't describe how thrilled I am to be back here. Are you certain you've no second thoughts? We could try again in a week and see if they've somehow become civilized.

...Perhaps someone will have thinned the herd with 'assisted disembarkation'.

[Back and in very high spirits. You know. For Snape.]

emptyyourself — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 22:51:43 GMT

To those of you who encountered my counterpart, you have...my most sincere apologies. Forgive me if I do not issue a formal and personal apology to each and every last one of you, but I am currently in no state to deal with emotional backlash or philosophical argument.

We will be leaving the ship once Martha has recovered from the death toll. If there are any complaints to that end, I suggest you save them for our return.

[Private to Merlin]

Thank you.

[Private to Molly]

Are –

[And then Snape decided it was time to say ‘screw it’ to beating around the bush.]

Are you all right?

[Private to Sirius Black]

Set aside all that has passed between us for one moment. Refrain from sneers and dismissive replies. Pretend, if you must, that I am anyone else.

Please - please - do not tell Martha the things I said. She may well forgive me if she knew, but no matter what their intent or who I might have been when I spoke them, she has endured enough horrors without those words in the back of her mind.

[Private to Mozenrath]

I do not wish to have this conversation with you in person. I sincerely doubt this will be the most coherent letter I have ever written, and trust you will understand.

To begin, I am not angry. I expect that will be your first question. You acted in a manner which I believe to be honorable and considerate of my own well-being. In the end, you defended yourself against an enemy and I approve of your actions. I am…proud of you. Not as a warden, obviously, but as a mentor.

There are several things of which I believe you should be aware, concerning my counterpart – things which I have known for two years, and have told no one. The first is that he is not sane. His mind was under immense stress. T’Pol was his warden, as well, and used her abilities to control him. She was apparently demoted at some point in their past, though her actions toward him continued during her own incarceration. His new warden – Arthur – employed the same tactics until it drove him mad. He was a coward, Mozenrath, but he didn’t simply surrender. He broke. He became unhinged.

The second is that he loathes us. This Barge. He hid under the protection of one of our own last time, and suffered for it. He believes we abandoned him. He exists in a constant state of paranoia and hatred. There were moments of clarity, and your conversation with him appears to have been one of them. I have nothing of importance to relate to you that you might not have gleaned on your own save this: for one moment, he wanted very much to have the life you described to him.

What you choose to do with that information is your own business.

Martha and I will be leaving for some time, though I will attempt to ensure we return in some days’ time, from your perspective. I promised to take you with me when I leave for good, and so I shall.

I suppose that is what one does for family, after all.

Backdated to Yesterday

emptyyourself — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 10:57:29 GMT

Two days ago, I requested a volunteer. One was provided to me, and told to wait in my quarters until I returned from a prior obligation.

Someone clearly thought they were performing a mercy for Viserys, and as such entered my room and took him.

No one unaffected by this flood would dare set foot in my room without permission.

[Yes, he really believes that.]

Step forward now, or I will search level by level, room by room, for every last affected soul on this ship and dispose of them.

If you truly wish for mercy, save your innocent compatriots and surrender yourself.

[Private to Martha, Sirius, Tony Foster, Wanda, and anyone else who's violent and might be part of his 'group'.]

Martha wished for a hunt. Now we have one.

Private Notes

emptyyourself — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 15:16:46 GMT

[Private to Martha]

What did you do to Molly this time?

[Private to Mozenrath]

Meet me in the library.

Video

emptyyourself — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 17:47:47 GMT

[Well, here's a completely normal thing. Video updating. Where once he was a stammering, weak-willed coward, Snape is now a thoroughly rehabilitated inmate and all around great example of a mirrorverse success story. When he first came aboard, his hair was black and lank; it's now kept cut and has gone prematurely grey. His time aboard seems to have aged him, though he isn't older than twenty-five or thirty.

At the moment, he's looking at the camera with deceptive calm.]

I'll thank you, Admiral, to mind how you steer this scow of yours. [With mock reproach:] You've set me back nearly two days' worth of work.

[He turns the camera to show his workspace has been destroyed by the pitching of the ship. Broken glass litters the floor, liquid drips from the tabletops, ingredients are scattered.

He continues from off-screen with a low drawl:]

I need volunteers. I appeal to my colleagues for an inmate or two.

[Don't be deceived - anyone who knows him should probably be afraid. He doesn't want volunteers to help him clean up the mess. If you've got someone who may have 'volunteered' before, feel free to say so!]

Audio

emptyyourself — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 02:33:51 GMT

[Snape's tone in each communication is a little too controlled to be "calm".]

[Private to Mozenrath]

Check in.

[Private to Martha]

My item isn't registering Mozenrath. His file has been removed.

Private to Amanda Young

emptyyourself — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 19:24:46 GMT

In which room does Mark Hoffman reside?

Video

emptyyourself — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 22:48:17 GMT

[Private to Friends - If you think you're on this list, you probably are.]

[Unusual for him, of course, is a public video post.

Snape's certainly affected by the flood. Here's the thing: he doesn't look much different. His hair's shot through with a bit of grey, mostly at his temples, but hell. He already looked older than his thirty-eight years. Not eighty-three; he's a passable fifty, even now.

Wizards age funny.

Also to be noted is that he seems better than he was with his last tl;dr. Rested and less woe-is-me.

And very much mellowed. His tone is far less cold than usual. But not friendly. Never friendly. That would ruin his reputation, after all.]

This is something of a joke, as floods go. My inmate has succumbed to a second onset of puberty. Well done to Mozenrath.

While it would be absolutely cathartic to once again express my complaints about our Admiral's habit of causing us as much humiliation as possible, potentially for his own twisted amusement, I've decided to try occupying myself in a different manner.

Several days ago, I contacted the Admiral in regards to my rehabilitation and subsequent return home. I am utterly convinced that the madman at the wheel of this ship is Bernard Black.

[He holds up his journal. It's opened to this entry, from October of 2009.]

October 16th, two years ago.

[This is probably a joke. Maybe. But he looks utterly serious about it. He would lineface while riding a unicorn.

He sets the journal aside.]

Moving along. I've been asked twice which languages I am able to comprehend. I suspect I've missed a good deal of the responses of others, for benefit of privacy filters or disinterest. What languages are spoken amongst you?

emptyyourself — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 20:25:40 GMT

[Private to the Admiral; Visible to Mozenrath and Martha]

You have it within your power to change the course of history.

When I graduated, why didn't you do it for me? Is it simply because I wasn't specific when I asked to be sent home? Why not make arrangements which would allow me to survive the war? Why was I forced to hide and lie -

Why didn't you do it for me?

[Private to Mozenrath - Added Later]

It would seem I am no longer obliged to make a deal with the Admiral to achieve those particular ends.

Regardless, this is no excuse to dawdle with your rehabilitation.

[Read: I'm not leaving. Don't panic.]