The Void: Mind Wanderings of a Lost Soul

The night where I was smart twice...

emaleythe — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 02:53:24 GMT

I made two very smart choices tonight and I'm proud of myself, despite how easy it was to live with the decision after I made it. Decision #1: The kids were screaming for fast food and it didn't look like either J or I was up to cooking tonight. So the kids wanted Sonic. I looked up the nutritional menu for Sonic, balked at the 1000+ sodium counts and the 700+ calorie counts for just the sandwiches and I said that the kids could have it if J was agreed, but I wasn't touching the stuff. And so I didn't. And I made a big salad and I was fine. The world didn't stop turning! It's amazing, because I do love myself some fast and easy fast food. And yet, simply seeing what I was going to be putting in my body, I just couldn't reconcile that with how hard I've been working.

Decision #2 was made almost by accident. My legs had been soooooooo sore for the last two days after doing my 1.75 miles on Saturday. So I told myself, no matter what, I will walk tonight and so I did. While J went to get dinner, I worked out on the gazelle. I walked the first .2 mile, then I ran, and then I walked, and then I ran and before I knew it, I was at 1.75 again. I feel I maybe could have even made it to 2 tonight, but I stopped hoping I would avoid a bit of the muscle soreness. Maybe I'll go for that 2 tomorrow.

All in all, week one was great for me! I lost 2.4% of my body weight and barring actually being a biggest loser contestant, I am wowed by my progress. I learn more everyday about food and my abilities and I'm feeling more awake and capable than I have in a long time.

Now if I could just get rid of all these colds!

The beginning of week 2

emaleythe — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:34:02 GMT

today's number is 215.8. documentation for the start of week 2!

**

In other news, my legs are still super sore, but I will be exercising tonight anyway.

The end of the week is coming and I'm a Doubting Thomas...

emaleythe — Sat, 16 Feb 2013 16:24:56 GMT

I will not be dissuaded on my plan because of one bad day of weight loss! So last I had written, I woke up to another lb and a half weight loss, bringing me down to 213.6. That was the end of the dramatic dropping. That night (Valentine's night) my weight went high back to 217. The next morning, up to 218.4. Last night, we were at 216. Kind of discouraging, when the numbers had been so much lower. On the plus side, people are starting to tell me that they can tell I'm losing weight, and my core abdomen muscles are definitely starting to feel the change. I've maintained my mile and a half walk each day, and that part is getting easier as I was actually able to run most of a mile last night. Today however, I really need to kick my eating into gear and escalate my water consumption. I might have to go back to carrying around my steel water bottle again. If I force myself to drink more water, I feel that may help to escalate out the flushing of my body.

I continue to be a nazi over everything going into my mouth, particularly with the sodium and carbohydrate count. I can definitely tell how less salt is helping. But I still feel that I'm getting too much salt. It's such an eye opener to see how much sodium is in EVERYTHING. My first big shock was on taco night, when I discovered that a two taco shells, with 2 tablespoons of seasoned beef and hot sauce were better on all accounts than 1 plain flour tortilla. I never would have thought that. I know that reducing the salt and upping my fiber, vegetables, and fruit is definitely changing a lot for me. I don't feel like I'm starving or depriving myself of much of anything (other than my huge cravings for bread) and my energy seems much improved. Crazily enough, even my mood is elevated. I feel more capable, positive, and just a general feeling of contentment through most of the day. This is very encouraging for a lifelong chronic depressive.

As for the diabetic symptoms, my plan is working! The cramps in my feet and legs have ceased (except for one super short leg cramp on day 2) and the weird nerve pain from the sides of my foot have lessened markedly. It's like it has dulled. I tell you, it's such a blessing. I feel confident that if I keep up this lifestyle change, I will be able to accelerate my healing. I have also been working on daily affirmations, and prayers for healing. I want to be able to accept God's healing in my body. It's such a mental block for me. I do not know why it's so much harder for me to accept and believe that God can and has healed my body as I have when it comes to my heart and soul. I guess it's yet another chapter in my own personal "Doubting Thomas" book of my life. I hate that I question so much what I can perceive. I don't like that I have to "see" to believe. I have all the intention and prayer of a good child of God, but I have the faith of a pea. I want to believe, I have that motivation and craving, but I fail in keeping the faith. All I can do is continue to read His words and let him work on my mind and heart. And that, I shall continue to do.

***

And that's all I have time for at the moment. It's Saturday, cleaning day, and my house is a child-driven disaster. Time to motivate the troops and pick this place up!

***

Last minute side note, how sad is it that after all these years with the journal that I'm just now making tags for "exercise", "God", "change", and "faith"? Wow, says a lot about growing up and change.

Day 3 and I'm amazed....

emaleythe — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 00:32:20 GMT

Okay, so it's day three of "Get rid of weight and diabetes" plan and all is well. Did you hear me? All is well! I had some low moments yesterday and today where I found myself crazy sweets and bread sooooooooo badly that it was almost a breaking point. But I gave myself a half a slice of J's homemade artesan bread with dinner and today I slipped and ate a valentine's cookie (but hey, I read the labels on both the cookies and the mini cupcake and opted for the best choice AND I worked out tonight and worked off every last calorie of that damn cookie tonight). However, for the most part, I feel pretty good. For the last two days, I managed to will my way through a mile and a half on the gazelle and hope to at least get that far tomorrow. As for weight loss, I've lost 6 lbs in 3 days, which I find amazing. By the end of the week, I may be looking at some Biggest Loser sized weight loss, at which point I will praise God for his movement in my life. I am amazed at this time around and I'm so freaking proud of myself.

****

Today was such a yo-yo day at work. It started with a "argh" went to a multi-facated rent, then traveled into a forced response, moved into a desperate plea for help and ended with success and wonderment. This job of mine has the power to send me through just about every emotion and I LOVE it. I do hope to move on to bigger and better, but the job itself is so much more intriguing than what I've done for the last 12 years. It occupies my mind, keeps me busy, and though I complain about it, tends to be more fulfilling than I would ever admit publicly. And did I mention that I freaking love my coworkers? They inspire me, make me laugh, tempt me to rebel, encourage me to be a better worker, and provide enough emotional support that I can't imagine having any other dynamic. My boss lady confuses me but is much beloved. If only we could get rid of the fat man, we'd all be happy. I'm going to call the fat man "Mr. Big" from now on, simply because it makes me laugh. I swear that all I want is to make my company proud. How completely pathetic and geeky of me. But it's still true.

And so it goes...

emaleythe — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 01:02:41 GMT

Day 2: Eating during the day went well! I had a preprocessed breakfast croissant (my one gimme for the day) and then packed the rest of my snacks and lunch for work. I actually brought too much food if you can believe it! I had grilled some chicken with Mrs. Dash and curry powder and cut it up for a simple salad with cherry tomatoes and one tablespoon of ranch dressing (I so need to exchange that for a nice oil and vinegar when I go shopping). For mid-morning snack, I ate two small bunches of grapes and a cheddar cheese stick (less fat yo!) and afternoon snack was a fiber and protein bar that had over 10 carbs of good sugars. I had brought an orange for lunch but didn't end up eating it. Dinner was a very simple tuna casserole with egg noodles and cream of mushroom (didn't add extra salt or butter, yay for me) and then green beans with cherry tomatoes. I substituted Stevia for sugar in our sweet tea. I feel pretty good about it all, as I'm being extremely conscious what I'm putting in my mouth. Reading waaaaaaaaay too many labels right now checking sodium content, but once I get some of the stuff I eat memorized, that part should go easier.

I walked my mile on the gazelle but didn't do any extra dancing today. Feel like I should do some yoga stretches, but I'll probably just try to get the kids all homeworked and washed up for bed before crashing myself. And to think that I only had two cups of coffee today and water after that. Here's hoping the rest of the week goes well too!

*****

In other news, I'm still neck deep in Felicity seasons. I started it two weekends ago when I was sick in bed both days and have now made it all the way to Season 3. I sure as hell wished I'd known how good this show was when it was on! Random fact, the character Julie is played by the same actress who played the Pink Power Ranger. Who'd have thunk it?

*****

Jason is sanding the wall at another attempt to make a kick ass theatre room. On the plus side, we actually have a kick ass projector to use in it this time. So that's all for now. This will be a hell of a makeover year if I can keep this up!

Invitation to connect on LinkedIn

emaleythe — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 00:21:31 GMT

Feeling jipper

emaleythe — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 18:17:27 GMT

Oh yeah! It's almost my bday. Yay! And the christmas. Its so on

another day another dollar

emaleythe — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 13:57:15 GMT

what a difference a week
makes. i'm about halfway through the kids christmas shopping and really close to finishing the stuff i have to buy from work. then it's just big lots and on to buying the stuff to wrap and bake. i'm getting that christmas fever already too...soooo excited to see the kiddos christmas morn ...or eve. might start a new tradition this year if we get to go to christmas midnight mass. i always liked it that santa visited my house while we were at church on christmas eve. still undecided about going to the big extended family event on christmas day though. oh well, off to work!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

success!

emaleythe — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 04:35:40 GMT

I have purchased the elusive LaLaLoopsy...all is right in the world. Now just to figure out where another $300 or so is gonna come from to buy the rest of Christmas. I might have to suck it up and do one of those check into cash places for a payday loan because I'll have the money eventually, just not when I need it. Oh how I wish next week wasn't Black Friday, and how I wish I didn't work in retail so that I could avoid the whole mess of that day....but don't tell my bosses that.

Lj mobile ap

emaleythe — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 02:18:41 GMT

Anyone know a good android ap for lj? I love using semagic on the pc for most updates but would love a great one for my phone. Found eljay and am going to give it a try...but not loving it.

Christmas Shopping...oh woe is me :D

emaleythe — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 01:19:56 GMT

What a crazy but good day off I've had today. Wrote the newsletter for work, stayed up super late last night playing a video game, got a little sleep, but have gone all day long. The kids have been eccentric and all over the place, but they managed to sit nicely and play two board games with me before jumping and climbing on their daddy like he is a jungle gym. I got to play a sword-stabbed victim for them repeatedly, as they think it most fun to play the ol' stab ya in the armpit trick as you groan out your deathly complaints. Went Christmas shopping with mom so that she could wrap up the pressies for the kiddos in the family. She actually managed to spend quite a lot less this year than in years' past which is great! Gives me hope since I did the unthinkable this year and have put off all shopping. Thank god for a wishlist so that I can start ticking off some of these presents slowly. I'm jealous of my self from last year where I was all finished before Thanksgiving and only had to watch sales so that I could rack up price differences when they popped up. This year I get to frantically scramble with all the other folks fighting for the same darn Silly Hair Lalaloopsy doll because my daughter has deemed it one of her expected "must haves".

Sage is such a sweetly odd little girl. Unlike her brother who will flat out tell me that he wants "this one real bad, and this one kind of", Sage will just tell me a huge list and then claim she loves it all equally. Makes it very hard when shopping for her because I hate seeing a lil disappointed face when I miss getting the toy she wanted the most. So with Sagey, I have to be tricky and watch for her cues, because she always has a tell. For my girl, the tell is usually just being perceptive enough to listen to every conversation she has for months because inevitably she will start dropping in a repetitive sentence like "When I get my puppet, I'm gonna need you to help me make her" or "Santa IS going to get me my muppet and I'll be soooooo happy". When I hear her repeating this same toy with a definitive air in her words, I know that that's THE toy. That's the one that when she unwraps it she'll dissolve into a girly mess of giggles, smiles, and hugs....and when it's all said and done, that's the only present I really need to get. Last Christmas I started getting it right, when I was told repeatedly that she was going to have a unicorn pillow pet. Sure I got other presents too, but she didn't notice. As soon as she opened the pillow pet she hugged it, ran off to love it and ignored the rest of the big pile of toys waiting to be discovered under the Christmas wrap. It took hours to get her to finish unwrapping the rest of her presents. Same thing with her birthday this year, when THE toy was a walking puppy toy. I was told over and over again that while she wanting the world (seriously, the almost 3 yr old made an 89 item wishlist! born shopper *headsmack*), she couldn't wait to show off her walking puppy. So I made sure she got that walking puppy and got to see her just have a party of expressions when she opened it. That one she wouldn't even let me get out of the box before she ran away to love on it. lol! So this year, it's the Make your own Muppet Puppet from the Fao Schwartz line at Toys R Us and the Silly Hair LaLaLoopsy doll. Mom has the Muppet covered as of today and I've got my designs on that doll as of tomorrow. Let's hope my baby isn't disappointed, because if I can't get this darn hard to find doll, Momma will NOT be paying exhorbent prices on Ebay.

What's else on Christmas shopping plans? Upgrading a video card for Austin's computer so that he can play his Christmas present from my mom (Skyrim on the PC, sooooooooooo jealous), a few tactile toys for my nephew, Leapster Explorer games for both the little ones (because we're a Leapfrog family till death yo!), some assorted dress up stuff, play doh, a new family board game (thinking it might be the Guess Who game time), a first Lego set for Lukas (is it already that time *sigh*), and a bevy of special presents for the older family members. I'm most excited to give the Grandparent's their gifts! I had this brilliant idea inspired off the kid's school fundraiser to have them draw a special picture a piece with their own signature on them. We then scanned them in and have created some awesome CafePress things for the family. We have them mounted on magnets for the uncles and on tile coasters (that we will be putting a picture hanger on) for the grandparents. It's so sweet and captivates them at this age perfectly that I know a few grandparents that are going to be just a wee bit teary. *huge grin*

Well, being fussed at for "more water" by my super sleepy and starting to be whiney duo....so off to be mommy again.

Back again....

emaleythe — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 21:14:09 GMT

Ah the joy of never worrying about LJ. It's always here no matter how far I stray. Though again I say that I desperately need to back this puppy up in case the system ever goes down. It would be a tragedy to ever loose all these accounts of my life.

Life is crazy since I last wrote....3 years later I have a very bossy sassy 3 yr old princess and a bright eccentric almost 5 yr old boy. Who would have thought I'd ever get here.....

Not much to say today, but I want to start talking more. I feel my writing has suffered the motherhood chopping block and I dearly miss it. The only writing/composing I ever do anymore is the biweekly paycheck attachment for work. Hah! That's not even good writing! It's insane.

To sum it all up, blame facebook and it's evil games for stealing me away. Short entries took over my good daily recordings in here.

wanting to talk but nothing comes out

emaleythe — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:09:37 GMT

sometimes i don't like internet based media....not the journalists mind you, but the fact that whatever you say it's broadcast everywhere and anywhere....there's no control. you have to be as careful about what you write on the internet as you would talking to the town gossip. it frustrates me. It makes it near to impossible to share without being overexposed.

I guess i'm just feeling that there's very few places where i feel i can be honest anymore. and lying is just too tiresome.

****

in other news, i feel something building inside...the little rusty word machine is churning a bit and dying to bleed out some inspiration....it's sad that there's so little time.

emaleythe — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:59:23 GMT

lukas pushed the highchair over to the island, where a large pan of fresh out of the oven brownies cooled. He popped up on the chair, surveying his treasure, "ooo brownies, yum yum." then evil momma hearing him, came and pulled him away with a laugh. she did give him a brownie though, because not even momma can resist his charm.

yay productivity!

emaleythe — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 19:21:28 GMT

So I finally got around to combining all of my music into one folder on the computer. I think I finally have it all consolidated and I redownloaded itunes for the 10th time. Now i'm converting all the files, putting them in itunes, and then i have to track down my old ipod software disk so that i can update my ipod for the first time in over two years rofl. The tricky part is that I'm going to have to either update the ipod manually (as if) or find out if itunes has a program where i can buy unlimited rights to the stuff I downloaded long ago when they had their whole "only for 5 machines" rule. Hopefully they have a program, because I really really don't want to manually update all the stuff not on the ipod and I really really don't want to lose music that I legitimately paid for. Makes sense right?

The whole point to all of this is that I'm tired of listening to the same 7 gb or so of music that I was into 2 years ago (and still am, but i've grown child). And this way I can finally go back to listening to stuff I like on the trips in the car rather than the drivel people put out on mainstream radio now. I was going to replace my old white blocky ipod this year but thought, hey if it still works, why replace it? sounds like a winner right?

It's going to take hours and hours to import everything back into itunes, but it's worth it damn it!

Now some other day when i'm feeling froggy, i'll have to combine all my other picture files and video files into one streamlined organizational system. I got a great start on it a year ago, but have accumulated so much in that tiny time that it needs it again. After that, I shall go to work cleaning the hell out of old file systems and programs that see exactly zero use and then I will truly claim my awesome computer of doom! Muhahahaha! Because that's what I do, I organize and conquer. And then the next yahoo that messes with my computer better live up to the system or I'll slowly and painfully eviscerate them with my nagging.

I feel the need to express myself more again. I'll make no promises and thus make no lies, but I'd like to start writing again. Even if no one ever reads what I write, I need to start documenting again. It's the outlet that I love most, because it's me talking to me:). That and I read some of my old work, journals and other writings and I miss that voice. I would say "voice of reason" but she's not always reasonable lol.

___

in other news, my younger brother david is in the hospital burn unit from a freak fire accident when he was burning some brush. i'm still in shock and full of worries about it, it just doesn't seem real. part of me wants to go see him just to shock the system, but i have nothing to offer to help him so i refuse to dignify that selfish part of me. besides the fact that he said he doesn't want anyone to see him. i worry that he'll be heavily scarred and that it will impede his life or that his child will never know his father as he was before. i worry that he'll lose his ability to play music, which is the only thing in life that i've ever seen give him peace and joy. and i worry that he'll become paralyzed with a fear of fire. i wish i could do something for him other than sending good thoughts and prayers, but for now, i'll leave it be.

Voice Post

emaleythe — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 19:21:07 GMT

notes to self so far

emaleythe — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 05:46:52 GMT

Location
-thinking early september 2010, checked history of weather and seems like least rain and not as overheated.
-still want outside, but have thought a nice twilight, early evening time might be beautiful with just the -right lighting and dress (would have to pop)
-might be nice to have a faux gazebo of sorts, a diy sort of deal. if day, some kind of nice vine/flower/1920's kind of look. if early evening, same but with string of lights (can you find battery powered lights?)
-lighting for twilight would necessitate candles, solar polared aisles lights (really like those moonstone like ones that jason's parents have), something with glow....might be tricky but again would be so glittering and perfect
-seating??? stand for very short ceremony? rent chairs? unsure...

Theme
-no real surprise here, i want natural, beautiful, fairy enchanted movie like...the Susan kind of perfect fairytale princess wedding.
-very small and limited guest list. family of course, including extended (though who knows who actually will show), small list of friends (Susan: catherine & wolf & family, stephanie(sic), sonya, christian, chris s. & family, anngee?, kim (i really need to call her, i am such a bad friend)?), coworkers? (uhm...maybe? like the ones i like, not ones i tolerate, though as long as i'm getting presents does it matter ...rofl, i kid...but no really i don't lol....),and whoever is conducting the darn thing.
-flower girl MUST wearing fairy wings, and some sort of adorable almost elflike dress...can't stop thinking of the combo of purple and green...though if the wedding is early september, then the color needs to be richer rather than paler....
-might have to subject all wedding party members with something fanciful like wings, or beautiful flowered hair pieces, veil-like material down hair...something beautiful, feminine, and strong
-pagan like:religion light; not to be confused with the absence of religion. in fact, would like there to be the presence and mention of God...just my God, not necessarially there's....absolutely NO reading of that whole "love is patient, love is kind" passage, i simply can not take hearing that again.
-dress to be detailed below

Clothing
-jason? who knows, but it darned well better be handsome and comfortable...we'll have to work on it
-flowergirl listed above....
-women attendants should wear what they are most comfortable in, though we may have to go with a color...should make it a simple one that everyone is beautiful in...as noted earlier, there will have to be a unifying sparkle item to be decided upon later
-ring boy??? dunno yet
-the dress: I've thought about this one for a long time and have dresses in my head...take little bits from all of them and make one amazing dress...sleeves have to be long, slitted but connected at the wrist, elbow, and shoulder, would be nice to have flow with an elongated bell sleeve, can be made of lace, sheer, or silky...bodice could be one of many but it would be prettiest to fall from the bound shoulder, in loose buttery folds. has to be flattering, fitted bodice, leading to slimmer waist...full skirt that flows. no petticoats, but perhaps some layers....if evening wedding, the fabric has to be overlaid or inset with silvery threads and little gems or pearls to catch the light and sparkle like a star (would be so fucking beautiful)...color could be creamy, antiqued white or nice silvery one. thought about colored panels like in underskit but not sure....i don't know where this dress exists other than behind my eyes, but i will find a way to have it.

Wedding Party
Matron of honor: asked Catherine long ago and still hopes she will be by my side.
Other Attendant: Sonya, if she'll have me and can be there;
Man of Honor:? but Austin needs to be in the ceremony somewhere, so here or as a second attendant
Ringbearer: Lukas, has to be....god help us if he throws the ceremony *grin*
Flowergirl: Sage, the very pixie herself....hope she has hair by then
Ushers: hopefully no need of any

Flowers
-need to keep fall colors and summer: sunflower yellow,burgundy, dusty rose, plums, burnt oranges...
-i want gads of them! can be as simply as ferns to roses
-thinking perhaps a simple bouquet of long stemmed blackeyed susans or sunflowers with astors and babies breath....if night need something bright or silvery to go with theme

Food
-is it tacky to go pot luck with some catered?
-definitely need drinks for my family lol
-could bypass a full meal and go with cake and drinks? some finger food? (but don't you hate those weddings when you go all day and the cheapos won't feed you? at least this one would be a relaxed and quick ceremony wedding)
-cake: been watching too much ace of cakes or not enough because i want tiers, flowers, and how awesome would those nice jeweled ornaments of those metal hangers be? the topper has to be my mother's topper...it's family history

Music
-old ella fitzgerald jazz, classical, rock, interesting mix courtesy of perhaps maybe only an ipod lol
-though wouldn't it be nice to have just a record player playing some old instrumental jazz for the official dance?

Photos
-hired out baby! plus as many as my friends and family could possibly take....though i need a professional to capture those fantasticly framed candids

Reception
-honestly I love the idea of a reception under a lighted tent in the field, but parking would be unavailable...so who knows?
-music, food, fun

Merry Christmas!

emaleythe — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 06:23:48 GMT

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

not such a baby anymore

emaleythe — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 05:36:49 GMT

tomorrow my baby boy turns 2, what an amazing ride so far.

today my baby boy picked up a newspaper with the president elect's picture on it and said clear as day "Obama". i'm not sure what to think about that, but it's very fascinating.

i have been mum too long. i shall be posting again (with hope) tomorrow.

grrrrrrr

emaleythe — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 05:24:41 GMT

*kicks Warner Brothers ass to the moon and back again for pushing back the Harry Potter movie to summer 2009!*

Those bastards.

So, so you think you can tell...

emaleythe — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 22:48:06 GMT

apparently my children are awesome, either that or i'm a strange mother. Proof is in the pudding, you say. Well take this as an example of what i mean. Sage's current favorite lullaby? Mama singing Pink Floyd's "Wish you were here"

*nods* enough said

Voice Post

emaleythe — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 00:05:31 GMT

on Jason

emaleythe — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:38:19 GMT

Because I need reminding sometimes and it's good to remember why I began loving him in the first place, I'm making a list of things I love about Jason. I know that he's been logging into my journal, so I hope that he'll read this and know that I love him. These things are never far from my mind, but have a terrible time passing my lips. There's no one to fault in that but my own inability to open up.

*when he's in a good mood, nothing makes me feel safer and better than his geniune smile
*he has all these random facts in his head that he spits out sometimes, and the way he says them always makes me laugh (like Jesus maybe wanting to *create Christianity because he didn't want to pay for his holy baths or can I ever forget "feral cows" hahaha, god I still love that one)
*he's extremely smart in all things mechanical, just has this inate ability to understand and fix things
*despite his complaints about his body, I always felt that we fit together and I love throwing my arms around him
*his hugs are perfect in that movie way
*when he choses to put in the effort, his romantic ideas are not only endearing but make me feel really special
*we started out with daily lovenotes about nothing (and besides the very few random emails over the years, I really miss those notes with all of my heart)
*he holds my hand in the car and it comforts me (even though i must annoy him by always switching so that my hand ends up on top....and i wish that he would psychically sense that I want to hold hands more often but am afraid to touch him most of the time)
*he says cute little words in his own way (some favs: amnish, waspers)
*despite his complaints, i know that he would do almost anything to help a friend
*he needs people, he absolutely needs people
*though i was always interested, he brought out my adventurous side in the one place I always felt Catholically restricted *coughthebedroomcough*
*when he is able to get past his own troubles, he can be the most loving and fun father for the children
*he dances in the cutest way and i'll always want to see dancing baby :)
*he has tried, in several ways, to love me when I'm far from my best and has tried to save our relationship many times. When i've been cold, bitchy, not wanted to be touched, he has stayed, kept trying, and not ran off with some hoochie. when i've insisted that he seek help for various troubles, he actually has and that's something that i know he never did for any other woman. And when i've been unfair or cruel, he has kept it to himself many times and not lashed out with terrible words that would slay me. For all of these things, I am grateful.

Things that have been bothering me lately, and I'm afraid to say to him:

*you are loved, massively loved, but you are having a hard time seeing past the void right now. if you can be patient with me, and let me ease back past your wall, you'd find that we could connect again in all the ways that you have been missing
*when we are having a good day, please don't push so hard for intimacy that I turn off. you have to understand that at this point, intimacy has been far and few between in the last couple of years and I actually do need an easing into period. Please just go slower, actually make some sort of attempt to warm me up to the idea. yes this will take much more attention and foreplay than you may have had to do in the past, but I can't make it go faster. When we are at such odds, and things are so stressful, my body just won't cooperate without much much warmup. I'm not trying to be a cold prude, it's just the honest to god truth. I want intimacy and am trying to push myself further into it every day. So please don't slap me down when I am just trying to make it better so that I feel more into it.
*when you insult our children by not being patient with their age and idiosynchroncies, you insult me. they are my heart and soul, and I can't stand hearing those things without hurting for them.
*I don't want to change who you are, I just want to change where you are. I know you will never be the dancing happy monkey, but is it too much to hope for that you'll be happier or more able to deal with daily life?
*though you insist that i don't, i fully support you in all the things you want to accomplish. fact is, I know you can do all of them. I just want you to have the faith and the action to know that you can and are.
*when you say that you have "discovered" that you are attracted to fat girls, it makes me feel fat. And hearing that makes me wonder if that's the only reason you are with me and whether you'll leave if I ever get my shit together and lose the weight. That's paranoid, I know....but that's how I feel.

Voice Post

emaleythe — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 20:03:07 GMT

It's not a diet!

emaleythe — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:19:47 GMT

my mother came to visit today, with my new nephew and his mother (yay for meeting new people in the world). She called on the way over, planning on bring lunch from Wendy's and wondered if she should bring a salad since I'm on a diet. Something about that word just makes my skin crawl, so it sent me into a bit of venting. "It's not a diet!" I tell my mother, "It's a life change and a better way of eating." To further make my point, I turned down the salad and opted for a baked potato and a Jr Cheeseburger with lots of veggies. It still made for a formidable calorie crunch but a much more manageable one than I would have picked in the past. And I'm proud to say that my logging of food has gone well today, my choices for drinks, snacks, and breakfast have gone well and I am currently well under my goal for the day.

In addition, I made a conscious effort to play extra hard this morning with the toddler, opting to run around the house (actually running) throwing and chasing the ball, which made me feel closer to that exercising goal I've promised to start working on. All this in hopes that if I keep it up this week that I'll receive a reward in some actual weight loss this week. *fingers still crossed*