I blew a candle and the years rearranged, days and months, numbers and letters, switched places and changed the course of my life. I tried to speak, but my voice betrayed me and I was left gasping for air.

A vortex of thoughts, a whirlwind of feelings, a ravine with no end in sight, just depths that took over the world and I did nothing to stop it. Did I know I was living in a continued state of falling? Or did I get used to the wind pushing me in all directions, was my velocity constant and therefore unnoticed?

Then again, a life without stillness isn’t a life at all, it’s a gilded cage and I was looking through the bars, pretending they weren’t there.

I’m a master pretender, I create worlds in my mind that replace my reality. The problem is that I’ve become so accustomed to it, I mistake them for my reality, while they’re merely impressions of a make-believe world.

Repeat something often enough and it becomes the truth, or something like that. So what is truth then, if not endless repetition? Does a subjective truth even exist?

Why am I here, amongst like-minded, differently-oriented, strangely-intense people who seem so sure of what they’re doing? I am waiting on a train, knowing I’m meant to walk. And yet I stand here, hands in my pockets as I watch the birds carry the notes I was meant to sing.

No more, I refuse to be a slave to my thoughts any longer. My body isn’t my captive, it’s my friend.

Fourteen showed me how others looked over my shoulder as I looked in the mirror, I thought that meant I had to look away. Darling, why were you holding a mirror in the first place, when your heart still beats and your limbs still listen to your commands?

Fifteen handed me ideas and inspirations and I wanted to try it all, I thought I had to follow the pace I observed around me, but by doing so, I stopped moving at all. It’s okay to slow down, it’s okay to speed up, just don’t stand still forever.

Sixteen taught me the world was loud, I thought that meant I had to be as well. But this world has worlds within worlds and you can choose which one to live in.

Seventeen made me feel stuck, claustrophobic, as I locked myself in boxes and forgot to make space for air.

Eighteen will be kinder.

Eighteen will be gentle.

Eighteen will give me the space and grace I need to carve my own path, or at least choose a direction in which to walk. I will laugh and I will cry and both will be entirely my choice.

If the engine of my mind refuses to adapt to new routines, I’ll give it time and help build one that doesn’t pollute my heart and soul with doubts and uncertainties that hold no foundation.

Like clockwork, the mechanism will click into place because I know who I am now, unsteady and ever-changing, yet fundamentally the same.

I can’t believe I’m officially an adult now! I think I’ll remain a child at heart forever though… Thank you for reading my words and tagging along on my journey! I love you all so dearly!

With love, Ella