In Darkness and Hope

[Life/General] Adulting with Autism Resources

2017-01-06T08:44:29Z

So, I have a friend I was talking to, and she sent me a piece of writing about herself. It fit autism to a T, and I passed her the RDOS Autism test that I used to help figure out that I needed to talk to my psych about a diagnosis. My friend is going to be talking to her therapist, but I told her I'd ask my friends list because I know so many folks who are neurodiverse.

Do folks have any links or resources they'd recommend for adulting/social skills for a 19 year old young woman currently living with her parents? I've given her some search terms, but I know she'd very much appreciate any stuff that's "vetted" by neurodiverse folks.

Also, she is on my friends list on Dreamwidth, so if you are able to post those links there, that would be helpful. Any written advice in comments are also appreciated. I'm going to toss this public so that folks who I don't also have friended on Dreamwidth can click the link at the bottom of the post here and go forth and comment.

Love y'all!

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/554460.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[unfiltered] Trans woman needs temporary housing in Boulder/Denver ASAP

2016-05-02T04:45:12Z

My friend "Kit" is a trans woman in dire need of temporary housing. She is recovering from complications of major surgery, along with a "surprise" blood clot. Just as she got back on her feet, she was let go in a round of company lay-offs earlier this month.

Kit has to be out of her current residence by May 9th. She has a rental lined up to move into June 1st, but she has nowhere else to go during the time between. As a trans woman, options like homeless shelters are extremely dangerous and not an option.

This is why I'm asking for help. Kit needs a queer/trans-friendly place to crash between May 9th and June 1st. She has money to cover food for herself and other personal necessities during her stay.

Other things of note: Kit has no pets and is severely allergic to cats. She is also allergic to cigarette smoke, which causes breathing issues and migraines -- but, she's noticed she's okay if people smoke outside. She's 420-friendly.

Kit has no special requirements when it comes to sleeping arrangements; she's fine with a bed, a couch, or even a sleeping bag on the floor. The WiFi password so she can job hunt on her laptop would be great, too. ;)

Kit lives in the Denver/Boulder/Longmont area.

If anybody is able to assist with space for her to get on her feet again, please contact Kit at helpkitnow@gmail.com.

Thanks all! Please signal boost!

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/550276.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[Life/General] Ma Ham close to death

2016-02-10T22:17:04Z

So, my maternal grandmother is in hospice care. She's had congestive heart failure, multiple strokes, and is currently having what they suspect are multiple mini strokes. She might live a few days, or up to 7-10, but not likely beyond that. My Uncle Ron has made the smartass comments that she'd probably go on one of my aunts' birthdays out of spite (they've passed), and I've made the comment that it'd be like her to pick Valentine's Day. This is a combination of the gallows humor that the family has developed as a coping mechanism and some pretty deep-seated hatred.

I'm mostly staying quiet on Facebook because some of my aunts are taking it hard, as far as I can tell. I... okay, the rest is going to have to go beyond a cut, but in case folks are not up for reading this, I don't want condolences. I want fucking congratulations.

Okay.

In 2008, my ex-partner, ex-boyfriend, and I went up to Maine for Ma Ham's 80th. That was almost 10 years ago now (jeez). There was a night before where I heard stories from various of my aunts and uncles. My Aunt Betty described Ma Ham, when Mom was maybe 3 or so, gathering them up around the furnace. She had one of the kittens in hand. Because the kitten had clawed one of the children, she burned the kitten to death in the furnace and made the children watch. Betty was, mmm, somewhere between 5-7. She doesn't remember why Ma Ham did this, except that she was furious at the kitten for scratching someone, but she still remembers the death cries.

My Aunt Val, that same night, told me about how her cousin had raped my Aunt Sheila while Val was in the same bed next to her, pretending to be asleep. Val went to Ma Ham the next morning, and she was slapped for lying about her cousin. Both girls were severely punished. This was not the only rape.

My great-grandfather molested several of the girls. When he was dying in the hospital, the girls were terrified to come anywhere near them. They enacted a buddy system to protect each other. They had long given up trying to tell their parents about it. It was accepted that Grandpa was just "that way." He just liked little girls. All of the girls alive then were molested in some way by him. They were beaten by Ma and Pa Ham for lying.

My great-uncle molested both the boys and the girls. I don't know how many of them. He was a Deacon in their local Catholic Church, and when it came out -- because he had molested someone else, who did believe their child -- he gave an apology in front of the Church, it was accepted, and he continued to molest and rape children. After all, he'd apologized. That meant he wasn't doing it anymore. My aunts and uncles continued to be molested.

Mom remembers one night when Pa Ham didn't come home. Ma Ham woke all the children up, lined them up by the staircase, with a can of gasoline in one hand and a book of matches in the other. For several hours, she ranted at them about how she was going to burn them all to death because their father hadn't come home. Mom still has nightmares about burning to death.

My Uncle Ron had a pitchfork put through his leg in one of Pa Ham's rages. Ma Ham used the kids as knife target practice. They learned to dodge. When we saw the movie Matilda, Mom came out telling us jovially how much the Trunchbull reminded her of her mother. Especially the scene where the Trunchbull grabbed the children by the hair and used them for shotput practice. Except in Ma Ham's case, she grabbed the kids by the feet, spun them around, and let them go to crash head first into walls.

There are more stories I could tell. I will go on to mine.

When I was four or so (Heather wasn't born yet, so I had to have been under four and a half), Ma Ham visited. I still remember this with frightening vividness. Ma Ham decided I needed to clean under my bed. I was claustrophobic as a child, although I'm not now; the opposite, in fact. Closed, dark spaces are comfortable. But as a child, I was terrified of them. Ma Ham told me I was supposed to crawl under the bed and clean out everything. I told her that Mom wouldn't make me do that, that Mom would lift up the mattress so I could see and then we'd clean everything out.

Ma Ham went into a rage, slapped me, and spanked me. She berated me for lying. When Mom came home, Ma Ham raged to her about what I had said, and Mom told her that I was telling the truth. That was exactly how we cleaned under the bed, and I was right to tell Ma Ham so. I was too young to tell Mom the rest of what happened, but I think she had some idea.

When I was seven or eight (I remember because this happened in the guest bedroom/computer room), Ma Ham decided to do laundry. My sister is highly autistic. Mom never put her anywhere near laundry because she would destroy the piles of folded laundry and giggle maniacally (my sister liked destroying things a lot; it was a major cause of strife between her and I when we were young).

Well, that's exactly what Heather did when Ma Ham folded the laundry. And in typical Ma Ham fashion, she flew into a rage and beat my sister across the butt with a hairbrush until she left marks and welts. When my parents came home, I told them about it, because I was old enough at that point to know what to tell them. They checked my sister, found the welts, and Ma Ham was at that point ejected from the house on the next flight out, informed that she would have no contact with myself or my sister until we were adults and could choose for ourselves. That meant no phone calls, no letters, no birthday presents or Christmas packages, nothing. It was as if she didn't exist.

Ma Ham has never existed for me as anything more than a terror and a person I believe is truly evil. She has traumatized my family beyond repair. My parents did the right thing by Heather and I, and protected us from her. They broke the cycle and protected us.

The woman I knew as my grandmother was loving, caring, and would have done anything for us. She was not related by blood; she adopted Mom because she loved her and felt she needed a real mother. I miss Grandma George whenever I think of her, and my life is all the greater for having her in it. In whatever afterlife she's in, I'm sure she's riling up some good old fashioned hell. She was quite a character, and I can say with all truthfulness that she would probably find how Heather and I have both managed to horrify our father with our life choices utterly hilarious and give us high fives.

(Don't ask about my paternal grandmother; that's another story involving also serious abuse and kidnapping.)

Except for the story about the kitten and the rape, I have known all of these things about Ma Ham since I was eleven or so, because I asked my Dad why I never heard from her. I was just curious. I didn't actually want to hear from her; in fact, I was terrified of it, which was part of why I asked. I started to find these things out, because my Dad has no filter. When I was 13, Dad shared the letter that Mom wrote cutting off contact, where she told Ma Ham exactly what she had done to her in brutal detail.

Logically, I understand why my aunts and uncles are reacting with concern and care, because they're victims, and that's sometimes how people react. On an emotional level, I can't understand it, because all I feel for that woman is a burning hatred and joyousness that she is dying. I delight in that she is probably suffering as she dies. I wish she could suffer more. But she could never suffer enough. There is no repaying the debt she owes, not if she lived eight lives over for each of the children she forced to endure hell.

I don't generally believe in a hell, but I hope there is one for her. In fact, I'd probably make a deal with the Devil myself to ensure her more agony and suffering over eternity. Except, eternity isn't long enough. I don't just want this woman dead. I want her to pay for what she has done a million times over and do so in the most brutalizing and horrifying of fashions. Just not living isn't enough. It's not. It's not.

Reasons like this are why, I think, Christ himself told me I didn't belong in his flock. It wasn't a bad thing. This was a dream I had over ten years ago. He told me I was like a jaguar amongst the sheep, and I didn't belong in the pasture, I belonged in the jungle, where I would be wild and free and myself. That I was trying to turn myself into a small little thing to fit into a box that I didn't belong in. Yes, Scott, I know you're reading, and I know your relationship with Christ is such that you believe that none of this would preclude me from following. Christ said much the same, and told me that it was my choice. I was welcome to stay, if I chose, even if he thought I'd be better off on another path, and I would always be welcome. Most of all, I was always his daughter and he would love me, whatever path I chose.

I still believe he would love me even though I would take vicious delight in torturing this woman that I share blood with. I would prefer to spread blood with, not share it, but we don't always get what we want.

I have longed for this time for so many years. I have wished this woman dead. When I went for her 80th birthday, it saddened me she had lived that long and struck me as heinously unfair that so many others have had their lives cut short, but this monster lived to nearly 90. Sad is the wrong word. I'm not sure what is. Rage, fury, at the unfairness. I have never wanted someone dead so much in my life, and I hoped it would be a painful death.

It's not painful enough. I'm not sure any death would be painful enough.

I am not a nice person. Believe me, if I could do so without repercussions and consequences, I would torture this poor dear little old lady in a fashion that would make the Inquisition look like amateurs.

Some would say I need therapy. That feeling like this towards someone isn't normal. That I shouldn't want to do this to another person. That this is a sign of something wrong with me. I don't want to not feel this way. I think that this is a perfectly rational way to feel about someone who has ruined so many lives and caused children, innocents, so much torment and pain and fucked up generations so horribly. I want to savor this feeling.

Because soon.

Soon.

She will be dead.

And then? Then? I will rejoice, and I will celebrate, and I will not go to the funeral out of respect to those who honestly mourn her loss, for whatever reasons I cannot understand. But myself? Yes.

Congratulate me, celebrate with me, because this, this, is something I have wished for ages, a day I hoped would come and has been too long in coming. Soon this monster will be dead and I will take glee and rejoice in it.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/548812.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[unfiltered] Disabled Family, Rent, Hungry Cats

2015-11-17T11:04:19Z

C&P from FB because I wrote a post nearly as long as I would've here.

We're in a bad state right now. We had been getting $700/mo in rent assistance, and we abruptly found out that it was canceled. On Scott's income alone, we run $200 over budget, and that's only bills, and it doesn't count household necessities like shampoo, toilet paper, menstrual supplies... cat food and litter...
We are desperate. I don't know how to pay rent, and our housing is at risk, plus our other utilities. I am terrified, and I do not know how we are going to make it through the next few months until tax return hits and we can use that to pad things out a bit. I have made a lifelong habit of paying it forward, and if anyone is able to aid myself and my family in our time of need, I cannot put into words how grateful we would be. In addition, we have several rewards for those who might want to contribute and get a little something out of it. I've done Tarot readings for years, and I am offering multiple types. I am also offering the chance to have a minor or major Tuckerization (character named after you, or choice of name) for my forthcoming work. I am also offering personalized stories of 1k-10k words, including character names if desired, preferred tropes, and more; this will, of course, require discussion.

Scott, who has been doing chainmail for 20+ years, is offering several types of jewelry (and a wallet chain that could almost double as a weapon) in hypo-allergenic titanium. I will be posting an update with a photo of my chainmail bikini top as an example of his work. He is extremely good at what he does.
If you can help in any way, please, it would be very appreciated. Any little bit helps. If you are unable to help, please share this post; it's public, so it can be. There is also more information about our situation in the GoFundMe introduction itself.

Thank you for whatever you are able to do. We all appreciate it, no matter how small or how large. Please do not feel bad if you are unable to contribute financially; this is a tight time of year for many people financially due to holidays, and I understand that well. Signal boosts and sharing are just as important as financial contributions. Again, thank you all, and I love you. Yes, even those I don't know personally who may have seen this shared. I love you for reading this, and for whatever you may do. Blessed be.

GoFundMe link is here.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/547968.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[Signal Boost] Disabled genderqueer friend in need of assistance!

2015-06-25T00:43:09Z

I'm re-posting this from stormerider, who is, yes, my ex, but we're on good terms. We are not in a good position to help overly much financially, unfortunately. I just applied for SNAP, and was able to get on that immediately, but I need some more information for the state disability cash benefits, so I am teh brokez. If you can toss a few bucks their way, awesome, if not, please boost the signal! Thank you, lovelies! <3

----
From stormerider @ Dreamwidth:

Permission to share granted (and welcomed!):

http://www.gofundme.com/xsh3e8

About me: I'm a 30ish disabled (severe arthritis, I'm on Cimzia amongst other meds) genderqueer sysadmin in the Olympia area.

So over the last few months, I broke up with my wife, and ended up moving out of the house that we were renting (from her in-laws). Nothing major, just the usual moving stress and breakup stress. We get along well.

I moved into a new apartment in downtown Olympia with my roommate Boo, who is going to college at nearby SPSCC. The commute from the new apartment to the college is negligible at best.

Fast forward a bit; I ended up losing my job through some boneheaded mistakes of my own. While I'm not trying to excuse the mistakes I made, I have a feeling that the medication I was on for the dental surgery (I had all my remaining top teeth yanked and replaced with a denture) and the medical marijuana I've been smoking for my arthritis pain helped contribute to that... lowering inhibitions and helping me forget key details I should have kept in mind, especially with the emotional rollercoaster I was on. It's still my responsibility the way things turned out, but there are reasons, even if they aren't excuses.

I'm going to be relocating, and living with a lovely transwoman. However, I still haven't gotten stuff from my old employer like my termination paperwork (which means no SNAP/food stamps until that comes through) and shipping containers so I can mail back the company property that I have (laptop, desk phone, mobile phone, router).

The new apartment also includes a $500 pet deposit (on top of a $300 roommate deposit), and I really can't function without my support kitty Ras. (She's not legally a therapy pet, but serves as one in many ways for me.) Any assistance with that would be greatly appreciated, further assistance will help me with a bigger buffer while I wait on SNAP and look for jobs and keep paying for my medications.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/543854.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[Unfiltered] On Beauty

2015-03-28T07:44:19Z

This is long, but I am not cutting it for a reason. I am not cutting it because it is something that needs to be heard.

I had a conversation with somebody close to me the other day about the definition of beauty. I was in a bad way, and my rare self-consciousness about my body was coming to the forefront. I was looking for reassurance from my friend, and I realized quickly we were using completely different definitions of the word "beauty."

He was using it in the more traditional, conventional sense, as in celebrity beauty. I pointed out that definition of beauty has its issues; it's often racist, sexist, sizeist, and ableist. How often do you see someone in a wheelchair, or with some sort of congenital deformity, referred to as beautiful? How often do you see a significantly plus sized woman described as beautiful? People with disabilities are hardly known in the Hollywood scene; the only actress that comes to mind is Teal Sherer, best known for playing Venom on The Guild, and she has an entire webseries about her experiences in acting as a woman with a disability. Tess Munster is made fun of all the time for her weight. Lupita Nyong'o, who is in my opinion utterly gorgeous, is often called ugly or worse because she's "too black". Natalie Dormer is often criticized and called snobbish or stuck-up or ugly because of her cute little smirk-smile; she's interviewed and said that it's just the way she smiles naturally, and that she has a great deal of trouble smiling any other way. And people call her ugly for this. Jennifer Lawrence has been called fat and ugly because she has somewhat broad shoulders, upper arms that are obviously muscular, and a slightly "non-standard" (by Hollywood standards) torso.

These women have one thing in common: They are all beautiful. But by conventional beauty standards, and the commonly used definition of the word, they are not. This is a problem.

I then described my definition of the word "beauty" to my friend. It goes something like this:

For me, beauty is... the way you catch yourself glimpsing at someone, because there's something about them that you're attracted to, and you find yourself looking at them, not even consciously, just to look, to see these things, to appreciate them, and the person within the body. One of my ex-girlfriends had Bell's Palsy and never fully recovered; she can only smile with half her mouth. It's adorable and beautiful. That's where my habit of smiling with one half of my mouth comes from; I found it so delightful that I unconsciously mimicked it. I think of the Pacific Islander trans woman I met in college, who was very out but self-conscious of her body because she wasn't on hormones yet. I remember the shade of her skin, especially when the sunlight shone on it, the curve of her hips, and the way she walked so confidently despite her self-consciousness. It's the way her smile would reach her brown eyes and they'd just sparkle with life and laughter and love. It's the way she tilted her head thoughtfully, and the way she'd shake her hair back and forth, and the tinkling of the bells she wove into them. I swear I spent half that class surreptitiously catching glances, and I wish now I had told her how beautiful she was, because I'm not sure she ever realized it.

My fiance -- the way I'll glance over at his long strawberry blonde hair, especially when it's loose, and want to play with it and run my fingers through, or how I'll watch when his back is turned and appreciate the sleek lines and strong muscles of his back, especially if he's reaching for something and flexing. It's the aqua-turquoise color of his eyes that I can't look away from, even though I'm autistic and have always had issues with eye contact. It's my ex-girlfriend's surgical scar, reaching from belly to breast, where she nearly died and survived even though everyone told her she wasn't going to live; it's beautiful because it's a representation of her strength and survival. My fiancee has acne marks that she is deeply self-conscious of, and I run my fingers 'cross her face and feel the texture like tiny cobblestones, which is ambrosia to my fingertips. It's when I look into her captivating, intelligent eyes and bask in her laugh that spreads through the room and all the places in my heart and makes me want to laugh too even if I didn't get the joke. My fiancee's husband, who is what the medical establishment would call "morbidly obese", is beautiful in the way he holds himself with confidence, and I love to hug and snuggle him, feeling him squish against me and loving all of him, and his quick wit and intelligence, his long brown hair and the way it falls into his face if it's not pulled back, and the way his smile lights up and spreads through his cheeks, like he's hiding a secret but he'll tell you if you only ask.

These are the things that make someone "beautiful" to me. It's not about weight, body type, skin color, gender, ability or disability; it's not about any of these things. It's about the unique nature of every individual, and all the tiny things you notice and can't take your eyes away from, that make you want to luxuriate in their presence and never stop, that make you wish you could tell them how very beautiful they are, even if they're someone you don't even know. This is beauty.

And you there. Yes, you, reading this. You're beautiful too. You might not be able to see it in yourself; gods alone know how much I have struggled with this myself, being a larger woman and disabled. I have fought my own doubts and demons for years, and it was only when I discussed this with my friend that I realized I was talking about these men and women I have loved either close or from afar, and considered them beautiful, yet I did not apply my own definition to myself. That is a battle I won just yesterday. I'm sure it won't be the last. But I cannot in good conscience hold others to a definition that I am not willing to claim myself. So I say this: I am beautiful. And you: You are beautiful, too, even if you scoff and think you're too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too dark, too pale, too "weird", too "much", too anything, even if you read this and wonder, How could anyone ever think me beautiful? I know you're probably thinking that, because I've thought things like that all my life.

Well, I'll tell you this. I think you're beautiful, because there is beauty in all of us, and it deserves to be recognized. If no one in your life has recognized it, you have my sadness and my anger at those who have refused to see the truth: You are beautiful. And while it may be hard, I hope you'll believe me, or at least give my words a bit of consideration. And I hope you'll pass this on, because this is a message I believe everyone deserves to hear.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/542110.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[unfiltered] Still short on med money

2014-10-14T10:45:06Z

I posted about this before, but I'm still short on money for my medication. I at this point need about $150 by the end of October. The money that my ex is sending me for medication will HAVE to be used as rent money, because my current partner only gets paid once a month, on the 15th, and because he didn't get out of training until the end of Sept, we are going to be short on money for rent in November. Thus, my med money is going to need to go to... having a place to live.

So, I put out the hat again. My PayPal address is mistressnonny@gmail.com. Any little bit is appreciated, as are signal boost. Love you guys! <3

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/527645.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[Life/General] Rent Fundraiser Update

2014-10-09T00:29:14Z

So, I have raised about $220. THANK YOU EVERYONE. It turns out Morgan will be able to pay the $600 this month that I am supposed to get for medication costs, so that will... almost cover rent.

What I need to raise at this point is probably about $200, because it's not quite rent, plus I have medications that will need refilled... at the beginning of the month, and they add up. This is a MUCH easier goal to reach than the full $850. Again, any little bit helps, even a $5 or $10. Seriously. It adds up.

If you're able to help, awesome; if you're not please signal boost? Here is the following altered text:

nonnycat is in a bit of a pickle. She now has (almost enough) money to cover rent, but not enough for medication that she needs to control a chronic pain disorder. These medications, even with insurance, come up to about $200. If anybody is able to help, her paypal address is mistressnonny@gmail.com, and it will be greatly appreciated. Signal boosts are also appreciated!

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/527371.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[Life/General] And this is where I ask for help.

2014-10-04T21:36:26Z

Because of various circumstances, my poly-family (which include four disabled people, myself included, who have not been able to get on disability) are going to be short on rent for November. The one able-bodied member of the household gets paid the 15th of each month, and while we have the money to cover October rent and expenses, we are starting at a deficit because of how long his training took (about two months).

The main reason for the deficit is because my poly-family moved cross-country to be closer to us (myself and my now former partner), and have better job opportunities (and S, who can work, is definitely making a lot more than back east). However, they weren't able to find housing because nobody would rent to someone who was in training and had no income as of yet. The time spent in a residence hotel while trying to house-hunt, and then, to apartment-hunt, which turned out to be successful, depleted a significant portion of reserves. We've been managing to squeak by since but we are squeaking our last squeak.

Rent is $850. I know a lot of my flist doesn't have a lot of money themselves, so even when I have been in bad positions before, I haven't wanted to ask. My former partner won't have the money, and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them anyway as we are in the process of separating. My parents also wouldn't be able to help because of their financial situation, and general disapproval of the situation. Their families wouldn't be able (or willing, also due to general disapproval) to help. I have tried to consider every option, and we have not been able to come up with one.

So, I am asking, when I have never asked before, for help. Any little bit that you can spare will be greatly appreciated, and I hate that I have to ask in the first place. Again, rent is $850, and my PayPal address is mistressnonny@gmail.com.

Please signal boost if you wish.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/526253.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[unfiltered] Robin Williams, Bipolar Disorder, and Suicide

2014-08-24T15:36:34Z

At this point, I don't think there's anyone who hasn't heard about Robin Williams's death, ostensibly from suicide. Something that does bother me, perhaps more than the assholes that make comments about suicide being the coward's way out (and if this is something lurking in the back of your head, please read this essay, which is the most excellent I have read on the topic), is that the fact that Williams had bipolar disorder is all but forgotten.

I have bipolar disorder, type 2. This is generally considered the "less severe" type. I have no idea what type Robin Williams had, and it doesn't especially matter, since suicide is a risk factor for both types. I'm not entirely sure what I'm meaning to write here, but the rest is going to go under a cut with a general trigger warning for discussion of bipolar disorder, depression, suicide, coping mechanisms, related etc.

This strikes very close to home for me because Williams committed suicide shortly after receiving a diagnosis of Parkinson's. I went through a very rough period before I got my rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis, because the symptoms were so bad, and I could not manage or cope. The specialists I had seen were not helping, and I didn't have the money to get the multitude of tests I really needed. The only reason I got my diagnosis is because my amazing primary care doctor of the time noticed two tests hadn't been run, he ran them, and what came back he said suggested an autoimmune disorder, so I was sent to the doctor he personally recommended, who diagnosed me in about two visits.

For me, it wasn't the diagnosis; it was the lack of diagnosis. I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder yet, either, and the lows... while not as low as when I wasn't on birth control that worked for me (seriously, there needs to be more research into connections between hormonal changes and bipolar episodes, because I'm not the only person who has experienced this... but unfortunately, medical research in specific to women's issues is very uncommon), it was... scary low. Even when trying to use my general coping mechanisms, I came closer than I ever had, and I'm not sure even Morgan (my married partner) knows how close.

I remember getting my usual medications filled, which include sleeping medication, muscle relaxants, and at various points, two forms of painkillers. I remember some months, staring at the bottles, and I know way too much about pharmacology. I leave them untouched, except for normal usage, because the thought in my head is of Morgan finding me dead. I couldn't do that to them. I knew that if I committed suicide, they would likely follow, and if they didn't, they'd be left with grief that I can't put into words.

I'm still here. But I am terrified that some day, I will, like Robin Williams, lose that battle. He fought that battle, and won it, for nearly seventy years, before it took him. I'm lucky that I'm on medication that works for me (well, mostly; I've mentioned wanting to go off Seroquel because of the correlation between that and my creativity drop, but I'm on Lamictal as well, which had been REALLY GOOD for my creativity, so even if I went off Seroquel, it would be fine, as I was once on just Lamictal alone and it kept things under control); for many people with bipolar, it's a struggle to find medications that don't cause creative drought. Many doctors don't care about creative drought, or other side effects like weight gain, or loss of sex drive. And when you're depressed and suicidal, it's hard to argue with your doctor and far easier to just take the pill. I don't know what medications Robin Williams was on or had tried, but I don't think it matters; it's been said that he frequently went off them to tap into the mania for his performances.

And good gods, as a creative person, I can understand that. When I was seventeen, I spent most of a year in a creative-manic state. I wrote nearly 60k words in one week, during this. No, they weren't all good words, but they were words. In a year, I finished three novels, half of another, one short novel, and I can't remember how many short stories. I was manic as fuck, and the feeling was amazing. I remained in a slightly manic state through 05 and 06, but since 07... except for that period when I was on Lamictal alone (which I was taken off of because my doc said my sleep issues were due to it, which my new psych basically said "WTF!?" to)... I've been mostly in a depressive, or baseline leaning towards slightly depressive, state.

Knowing what mania feels like, wanting it... it's hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it. It's excitement and enthusiasm and joy, and it's even more than that. Those words hardly describe it. I'm not sure there are words to describe it properly. It's like bathing in the creative well, being surrounded by it, like all around and in you is your creativity and your joy. Unlike my Seroquel, my Lamictal left me baseline leaning slightly manic, but not to the point of being uncontrollable.

I will also note there is a difference between mania and hypomania. What I have is hypomania, which generally presents in productivity. True mania (usually typical of type 1) can be intensely harmful, with uncontrollable gambling, sex, drug use, alcohol use, and other things.

I'm not entirely sure, still, what I'm trying to say. I suppose this is about me, in a way, because if one thing has come out of this, it is that bipolar is overlooked, and misunderstood. We are dismissed as depressives, when our condition is far more complicated than that. Our condition used to be termed manic depression, because of its presentation. We vacillate between mania and depression, and then there are what is termed mixed states, where we experience both at the same time. I've experienced this. It's about as pleasant as it sounds.

It is something incredibly difficult to live with. I have friends with it who have tried every medication available to them for bipolar, and nothing has worked without extreme side effects. Some learn coping mechanisms and control, but I believe that lasts only so long. It's hard, when you're in the midst of -- I wouldn't even call it depression; I would call it despair. It feels like everyone in the world would be better off without you. It feeds you lies that are gut deep. It leaves you crying, and wanting to stop the pain, anything, anything at all, to make it stop. And it doesn't stop, not until the episode passes. And that time... is very dangerous.

So is the mania, because while the mania is glee and joy, the higher the mania, the lower the drop. I have gone from feeling on top of the world, like I could do anything, proud of my accomplishments, to feeling despair and that nothing I ever did would amount to anything and that my partners would be better off without me there. I have so far been able to hold onto that shred of belief that no, they wouldn't be better off. Morgan in specific has said outright, in discussions about this, that if I committed suicide, they would follow, because they would not want to live without me. Perhaps that is not a fair thing to say, but it is a shred I hold onto; that I am not just taking my own life into my hands, but that of the person I married, someone I love with all my heart. I hold onto that, and I can't do it.

I have my own coping mechanisms. They might not be the most healthy. I listen to depressing music, which isn't hard to find when you're a goth, and I actually have a playlist titled "Depression." I listen to songs that you would think would drive me closer to suicide, but actually help keep me from it, because they sing how I feel. I can't write when I'm in that state, but I read a lot on the internet, and I am very blessed to have a wide support network so if I need to talk -- and I don't always; sometimes there's nothing anyone can say, but sometimes I do need other people -- I can. I'm not alone. I have people who love me who are aware of the severity of my condition. Sometimes I cut, but that's rarer at this point; I don't particularly feel shame at that, though. I would rather cut than do something more harmful. Mostly, I rock in my chair, listen to my music, and cry.

So I leave you with the chorus from one of the songs I listen to, when I'm stuck in that place, when I'm most depressed:

The sun was born, so it shall die, so only shadows comfort me.
I know in darkness, I will find you, giving up inside like me.
Each day shall end as it begins, and though you're far away from me
I know in darkness, I will find you, giving up inside like me
- Further, VNV Nation

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/523237.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[unfiltered] Home needed for elderly dog in Western Washington; urgent

2014-07-24T09:59:13Z

My girlfriend Omi is in need of a new home for her 16 year old (as far as we can guess; she is at least that old, perhaps older) Aussie Shepard, Sadie. She does not wish to rehome Sadie, but we are faced with very few options. At this point, she has had to make the very difficult decision that she can no longer adequately care for Sadie due to disability. We live in the Olympia, WA, area.

Sadie is a lovely dog. She is friendly, easy to get along with, she's awesome with children, no issues with cats, or other animals. She will growl if cats or other animals try to steal her food, but she has never bitten or snapped at the animals, or people.

Here is the problem. She's getting older, and at this point she has a three hour bladder, almost like clockwork. She has always been an indoor dog, and is utterly terrified of the outdoors. We have set up a dog run and despite our best efforts, she has managed to tangle herself in the line regularly. She will do this until someone comes out to untangle her, but upon someone going inside, she will immediately re-tangle herself. She is also Houdini dog and will wiggle out of her harness regularly and try to bury under fences. She must be an indoor dog..

She is also going on a hunger strike. She is scattering her food and refusing to eat. The apartment that Omi and her family have been able to find does not allow dogs, and my rental home does not allow indoor dogs. Even if we could have Sadie indoors, most of our household is disabled and on vacillating sleep schedules. It is simply not possible to arrange to walk her every three hours (or less; it has crept up to every hour at points), especially now that she is not signaling when she needs to be walked.

More minor issues are that she is arthritic, although she does not seem to be in pain. She is deaf in some ranges, but not completely. Prior to Omi and family adopting her, she was raised by a household that did not care for her. This has resulted in a few things, such as she is triggered by men in plaid shirts and baseball caps. She was never properly trained, and by the time Omi adopted her at age five, no amount of training was successful.

Unfortunately, nearly everyone in the household is disabled with chronic pain at this point, with the exception of those who are working and thus do not have time to walk a dog on a three hour schedule. It is simply not possible to give her the care that she needs, as much as we want to. This is not a decision that has been made lightly. She is very loved, and this is breaking my girlfriend's heart, but it is the best for Sadie.

She is very sweet, lovable, and kind. She likes to tuck people in at night, and she protects those she loves. With her age and arthritis, she is not very active, but she is very loving. She is an amazing dog who just needs people who are physically able to meet her needs. There is a video of her here, if you would like to see what she's like.

Again, we are in Olympia, WA. We are willing to drive her to Seattle or Portland (or another city of similar distance, but 2hrs is about the max based on health issues). If anyone is interested, please contact Omi at omimouse@hotmail.com, and please CC her husband Louis at louis.adkins@hotmail.com.

Please re-post and boost the signal if you can. Thank you so much!

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[unfiltered] On Marion Zimmer Bradley, Child Rapist

2014-07-06T17:24:25Z

First, the post regarding MZB's child rapist husband, and secondly, the post containing an email from MZB's daughter. Please read this before the rest of my post, because I will be referencing the information from both.

Quote, from Moira Greyland, Marion Zimmer Bradley's daughter:

The first time she molested me, I was three. The last time, I was twelve, and able to walk away.

I have written extensively about the effect of MZB's work on my life, including my piece published in Jim C. Hines's Invisible: Personal Essays on Representation in SF/F (also available openly on my DW/LJ -- note, trigger warning for talk of suicidal ideation in that essay).

I did not mention the depositions regarding Walter Breen in my posts about MZB, for a few reasons. Primarily, it wasn't the point of my essay, which was about representation in science fiction and fantasy, and how that affected my life. I had read the depositions many years ago, when I was 14 (unfiltered internet access ftw?), and I only had hazy memories of them; I probably should have re-read, but regardless, it did not negate the impact that her work had on my life.

Finding out that Marion molested her own daughter, however, and apparently other children as well... that sickens me. I write this not because I feel guilty for her work having an impact on my life, because I had no way of knowing these things when I found her books at age 11 and was introduced to gay, lesbian, genderqueer (although that term was not used then), and polyamorous characters. As a homeschooled child with a father who often railed against anything that didn't fit into his narrow Christian fundamentalist world view, these books (among others) allowed me a window into a world outside my own isolation. As I have written before, they are part of why I did not hate myself when I realized I was queer at age 17, and polyamorous a year or so later.

I've read many essays, and there are a few things I wish to comment on. One is the focus I have seen on the fans who feel betrayed by an author they loved. While this is certainly understandable, and I don't begrudge people for feeling the way they do, I don't feel that the focus should be on the fans. It should be on Moira and the other nameless victims. Moira seems to have the "It's Worse Than I Thought" post followed, so I encourage people to please go there and give your support.

I say this because there are those who are accusing her of lying. She has been accused of having a mental illness and making this all up. Her name has been dragged through the mud, and there are people who refuse to believe the victim, and in fact blame her, rather than dare believe that an author they idolize might in fact have been an abuser. I had no doubt at all about Moira's statement; in the depositions dating from 1992 or so, there is a statement that refers to Marion commenting that children do not have erogenous zones, in reference to her groping her young daughter. This was long before this recent revelation.

Even if I had, Moira's poem "Mother's Hands" would have sealed it for me. Speaking as a child abuse survivor (although not sexual abuse), there is such truth in the emotion in that poem; I'm sure some will argue that a talented writer could write something so true to life, but both her poems spoke to me in a way that left me shuddering and dark shivers down my spine.

But there is one matter I wish to address, regarding the fandom (yes, even though I said they should not be the main focus; they shouldn't, but this is something I feel is relevant and important). Something I see over and over again are fans (or former fans) feeling guilty for loving Marion's work in the first place, for finding solace, for opening their minds. Society, and people in general, are prone to all or nothing thinking. An individual can be a horrible person and still create great works of art, work that speaks to people, work that gives hope.

Until now, this was not public knowledge. What individuals choose to do with their copies of her work is up to them. It is a personal choice. I see people feeling like they are horrible for identifying with her stories and characters. I see people hating themselves. Myself, I feel shocked and sickened, but I can't deny the impact that her work had on my life. If not for her books, I might not be here today. The world doesn't work this way, but even still, if I had the chance to trade her work for Moira's well being, I would choose that -- regardless of what it might mean for me.

That doesn't mean I feel guilty for the place her work had in my life. Society in general protects those who harm children. My own family was abused greatly; to give an idea, when my mother took us to see the movie Matilda when we were kids, she came out of the movie saying that The Trunchbull was a model image of my grandmother -- except that The Trunchbull was less abusive. Nobody helped my family. Even today, there are children who do not get the help they need.

I have had young friends who were being abused by their parents; when I called CPS, I was told things like "We don't take out of state reports" (so what happens to out-of-state relatives that the children have confided in?), or "The child is under the care of a psychiatrist so we can't do anything." This still goes on. Every day, children are abused, and only a few get help. I didn't get help. I counted days until I turned 18.

Society likes to paint abusers as monsters with no redeeming qualities. This is not true. Many abusers are charming people, who attract devoted loyalty. They prey on those who are the most vulnerable, and because they have qualities that people admire, people refuse to believe their victims.

I have personally known people who were not believed about their abuse, or whose community demanded an apology from the abuser but refused to bring charges. Sometimes, the police don't do anything; see the cases where people who have raped children receive very little in the way of consequence because they are somehow important to the community, or they're a sports star, or they're famous in some way. Look at the number of Hollywood stars (and hell, I had to ban a "devil's advocate" on my LJ when this happened) who defended Roman Polanski.

People ask why Moira did not come forward earlier. I don't know her personally, but I can take a guess. Marion was (and to some degree, still is) well known and well respected in the science fiction and fantasy community. Over the past couple years, there have been multiple incidents regarding harassment at SF cons with people defending the harasser and blaming the victim; an editor who apparently regularly harassed women was defended by many; two authors who wrote sexist screeds in the SFWA Bulletin caused a schism and were also defended. I must note that certainly not everyone defended these people; there was outrage and outcry and many people did in fact hold them accountable. But not everyone, and these people (with perhaps the exception of said authors in the Bulletin, and this is to my understanding; I may be incorrect, since I am not directly involved in these circles) did not have nearly the fame and clout that MZB did.

As I said above, there are those who are accusing her of lying even now. This is some fifteen years after MZB's death. How would this have been taken at the height of MZB's popularity? I have my own experience with rape, albeit as an adult, and it took me a year to dare to call out the man who raped me on my Facebook page, because we had mutual friends and I was afraid that I would not be believed. This was a man who was in no way a public figure, and it was that difficult for me. I flat out cannot imagine trying to come forward with these revelations of abuse, when MZB was so very popular, well-respected, and loved by many.

So for those who say that she should have come forward before, shame on you. Shame, that you refuse to believe a survivor and instead her abuser, particularly given the depositions. (I should note that I believe that it would be shameful to refuse to believe Moira regardless of the depositions, but they are particularly damning.)

And to Moira, all I can wish for her, should she read this, is love and light and the brightest of blessings, for she surely has lived through everything dark.

(And yes, I'm posting this like a month late but my life has been hellish lately, as those who are my friends list can see, and I believe this important enough to still say, especially for those who haven't seen. Blog posts in a way are like flickers of light; their brightness catches attention, but once time passes, the light dims, and what may have once been a huge flame is no longer noticed. This needs to remain noticed. Also, feel free to link this wherever you wish.)

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[unfiltered] Signal boost -- Rheumatologist, Neurologist, Psychiatrist needed in Seattle

2014-03-25T09:54:29Z

Emma has a place to stay! Yay! We will be helping her move in next week. However, we have another issue that we need help with, so if folks can signal boost this, I'd very much appreciate it.

The short version:

Does anybody have recommendations for neurologists and rheumatologists in the Seattle area who are willing to work with complicated cases? Also, does anybody know of a low cost psychiatrist specializing in anxiety disorders and bipolar disorder? My friend is in the process of getting insurance through the ACA, but she needs a prescribing doctor immediately, and I can pay up to $100 per session. Please email any recommendations to mistressnonny@gmail.com. Thank you very much for your help!

(Of course, if you are reading this here at my LJ, recommendations in comments are perfectly fine! The e-mail is mainly for signal boosts elsewhere, since I'll be posting this on Tumblr as well. :)

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/514962.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[unfiltered] Effexor Recall -- IMPORTANT

2014-03-08T21:44:52Z

Originally posted by ashbet at Effexor Recall (public, shareable)

FYI -- please share this around. I know a lot of people who have taken or are taking Effexor, so this is really important.

http://www.emaxhealth.com/1020/popular-antidepressant-effexor-recalled-what-you-should-do

#effexor #effexorrecall

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/514764.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[signal boost] Trans woman in need of housing in Western Washington

2014-03-02T23:57:03Z

The short version for signal boosts:

Emma, a trans woman I would describe as an adorable pink-haired geeky queer music nerd, best served with tea, is in desperate need of housing. She just lost her chance out of her abusive family's home. She needs a temporary home, 3-6mo, and while rent-free would be awesome, she can offer $250/mo rent. She is in Western Washington (Seattle-Olympia), and the clock is ticking. Due to our rental agreement, we can't have her past the end of March. If there are any folks in Western Washington who would have space for a lovely trans woman and her computer, please contact epeternally@gmail.com. Signal boosts welcome and requested.

The long version:

A very good friend of mine, Emma, came to visit us, originally to clear out the storage unit her parents have been paying for in order to pack and mail her stuff back east. Her home life is abusive, and her gf whom she was hoping to move in with broke up with her over IM a few days ago. That gf was her hope of moving out of her abusive family's home, and that's now gone. Going back to her family would possibly kill her.

About Emma: An adorable pink-haired geeky queer polyamorous music nerd and gamer girl abuse survivor with chronic pain and mental illness, best served with tea.

She used to live in the WA area, and has supportive trans friends here, but so far the best offer has been a $500/mo room, and she's disabled. She *maybe* could work but it would be iffy at best, and she doesn't trust that her pain condition would allow her to maintain reliable attendance. So, she's looking for other options.

Her ex-gf is offering to pay her $250/mo for living expenses. Needless to say, this is not enough to afford housing. She doesn't have much time, because due to our rental situation, we can't have her here past the end of the month. I am located in Olympia, WA, but anywhere in Western WA would be good. A friend of a friend who is a trans activist in the area (Lonness, who runs a house for trans people in bad situations, except their housing is full atm) suggested getting involved in the local trans groups, but we don't really have time for that, esp if they are in-person groups.

Emma does not have an official diagnosis for her chronic pain condition, so applying for SSI would not help right now. We're hoping to be able to get her on state disability, medical, and food stamps (which is just under $200 for the disability stipend, and just under $200 for food stamps, on top of what her ex is giving), so she can seek out a diagnosis and then either get treatment that helps, or apply for SSI disability if it doesn't. She would not be requiring anyone to pay her way as far as food and living expenses; also, she is willing to help out with household chores, with the caveat of bad pain days. She just needs a place to sleep and set up her computer, in a trans friendly environment.

So, my question: Is there anybody who would be willing to take in a trans woman in a nasty situation? Or, does anyone know of someone who would? Ideally, rent-free would be best, but she is willing to pay the $250 for rent. Once she is on state disability (which is significantly easier to get than SSI), her income would be just under $200, but if that is an issue I can cover the extra $53.

This is not an indefinite situation; she needs somewhere between 3-6mo for Lonness and her network (and for Emma to network herself with the trans community) to find her another option. But as we cannot have her here past the end of the month, this needs to happen soon. Any options? Please feel free to re-post this in any relevant communities, Twitter, Facebook, LiveJournal, wherever you think you would reach possible people to help.

Emma's email: epeternally@gmail.com

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/514423.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

[Signal Boost] The Shadow Princess

2014-02-27T04:34:22Z

Naamah is one of my dearest friends, and this is how she and her husband make their way -- writing books. I can't say I read very much erotica at this point, but I sure as hell will read theirs because they are awesome stories. Even if I don't get as into the sex as I used to. (Grr, libido, where did you go?)

Please take a look, and if you can't donate, please signal boost!

Originally posted by naamah_darling at post

Bumping again for The Shadow Princess.

We're at about 30% with 15 days left, and while I don't think it's un-doable, it's not looking great for us. We'd really appreciate whatever you can contribute. Pick a perk or choose your own amount.

Smooch went to the vet today for a checkup and so they could look at his teeth and eyes. Eye.

I have never seen a better-behaved cat. He was utterly calm and cooperative about just about everything, and only squirmed a little when the vet was trying to look in his ears. Everyone was impressed by his attitude and his majestic bearing. Yeah.

I'd been worried about him; his breath got especially bad last week, and it smelled like he had a tooth infection, which is why I took him in. He got an antibiotic shot and some eye drops, and I signed him up for a Banfield plan which means it's paid for itself with bloodwork and the tooth cleaning he will have in two weeks.

Still, I dropped about $130 on him, and while I don't begrudge it, the kitty slush fund is hella depleted now, so donations to the campaign would not be amiss. Consider helping out, for his hairy, stinky sake. The Shadow Princess campaign is here.

I'm extraordinarily tired and feel pretty crappy, so I'm going to bail and hope I feel better tomorrow. I'm sorry, guys, that I've been . . . boring. Lately. I realize that I keep making basically the same post, but I keep saying this because I keep feeling rotten about it. I want there to be more to me than . . . than all this. I love you all. Please stay with me. Y'all are all that's keeping us afloat.

Thank you. To everyone who has helped, spread the word, or had kind things to say. Thank you.

One last time, here's the link. Thank you.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

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[unfiltered] The Power of Representation: SFF Saved My Life

2014-02-26T17:32:44Z

A perennial question amongst the writing community these days (particularly in post-Racefail SFF) is that of representation. It's heartening to see it as an active topic of discussion, but I think that something that gets lost sometimes is how important it is. I'm many things: pagan, polyamorous, (mostly) lesbian, mentally ill, on the Autism Spectrum, disabled, childfree, gender-questioning, among others. Let me tell you my story.

I grew up in a very Christian household, and a few years of my teen life were tarnished by my Dad getting into Christian Fundamentalism (of the "listening to rock music is signing an implicit contract with Satan for your soul" type, also "music in other languages is secretly witch spells being cast because you can't understand the language" -- let's just say my listening to Rammstein didn't go over well). I was pretty isolated as a child and teen because I was homeschooled and lucky to see another person my own age every six months. This background is important later.

As a young child, I was a precocious reader. I remember reading Little Women and Alice in Wonderland at about six. I didn't dare read my Mom's science fiction and fantasy, though, because I was already having panic attacks -- the earliest I remember being at two. I thought I would get in trouble, and that was enough to trigger a panic attack. So, I read the kid's literature of that time, which was almost entirely made up of books like the Baby-Sitter's Club, Sweet Valley High, and the younger versions of those same series. They were fucking depressing. I remember being suicidal at about eight because the world that existed in those books was nothing like my own life; at that age, the main thing was being in school, but as an adult, I can look back and tell that those books probably didn't accurately portray anyone's life. Eight year old me didn't know that.

I found SFF when I was eleven. I remember which book it was, too. Mom had a copy of Marion Zimmer Bradley's Hawkmistress! in the car. She dropped by work one day while we were out running errands to pick something up, and I had no other books. I picked it up, read the back, started reading. I was hooked, and later read through the rest of the series, in which I was introduced to gay, bisexual, lesbian, and polyamorous characters. I was introduced to feminism.

I read Mercedes Lackey, who also had characters of the same. When I was eleven or twelve and suicidally depressed, and unwilling to talk to either of my parents, my Mom gave me a copy of Piers Anthony's Virtual Mode, because the main character was a depressed, suicidal teen who continues to struggle with her depression despite her love interest and her adventures across many different worlds. Some might question the wisdom of this given that the books are also sexually explicit and Anthony certainly has plenty of dodgy elements, but I can't say she was wrong.

Being able to read about a character who struggled with the same things I did made me feel less alone. Being able to point at a character and say, "She's like me!", I cannot truly put into words the effect that had. I cried, and I kept reading, and though depression is something I still struggle with (as I have bipolar disorder), it helped me beyond words.

Mom also gave me Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality to read, to think about religion, which is honestly in part responsible for me becoming pagan. It isn't that I hold anything against the Christian God or Christ, but I don't feel called to that path. I couldn't not believe in the existence of all the Gods, especially reading those books, and even before formally changing my religion, I had strong connections with non-Christian deities such as Bast.

I didn't realize I was bisexual (and from then on, through experience, realize that I much prefer women, although not exclusively; my married partner is, after all, non-binary albeit more feminine than masculine) until I was 17. Part of my realization had to do with that I began to look at my experiences in a new light. The vast majority of my crushes were on women, either real or fictional; I did not find men as a general rule attractive (I could count on a hand the times I had felt that way and almost all were fictional non-human men in books or TV shows).

At that point, I had spent two or three years hearing my Dad go on and on about how gay people were going to Hell. Do you know why I did not feel that way, despite that being an ever-present thing I lived with?

It was because I could not look at the characters in the books I had come to love, in Lackey's books and MZB's and in so many others, and think that those people were damned. I refused to believe in a God that would damn people for simply being who they are.

Later, when the man who would become my fiance (now ex) came out to me as trans, I couldn't comprehend his fear that I would turn against him, knowing the truth, because I had read books with characters who were trans (or perhaps not quite trans as we know it but similar). I didn't see why it would be any big deal at all; I loved him, and that was that.

And again later, when I met polyamorous folks, and found out that even though I expected it of myself, I could not be monogamous (and I have always been honest about it), it was because of characters I had been introduced to in stories that I did not hate myself.

If I had not read the books I did, if I had not had those experiences, I would have been left with a father who thought everything I am was deserving of going to Hell. I would've hated myself, and I likely would not have even been able to come out to myself, or accept the truth. I don't know where I would be; I might be dead. I hate to admit to myself that is a saddeningly likely possibility.

And even recently, this still happens. A couple years ago, I decided to read through some of the Valdemar books again. In Oathbreakers, there is a character that I had missed on my first read-through, which had been as a teen. Kethry's love interest Jadrek has rheumatoid arthritis, or something much like it. The way that it is described made me burst into tears, because I had never before read a story with a character who has chronic pain. (Jacqueline Koyanagi's Ascension, published last year, is also excellent for this.)

Also worthy of note is the Vorkosigan series by Lois McMaster Bujold, which is the first series I have ever read with a bipolar main character. Most people talk about his physical health issues, but since most of those are solved by far future tech (although not without a cost), his mental illness is far more interesting to me. I have never read a character with bipolar portrayed as just a normal person (... as normal as Miles can ever be, anyway), with people who recognize his mental illness and accept it as part of who he is and love him not in spite of it but for it -- yup, that made me cry. I made my partner read the books because "this is how my brain works."

Even now, as an adult, reading stories about characters like me, especially when we with pain disorders are considered unfit for adventure stories, can still bring me to tears... and give me hope.

This is why diversity is important, for so many things. This is why it is important to delve beyond the default. I won't say that the books I read were not problematic, especially by current views; hardly. But they were dearly important to a sheltered child who needed desperately to read about people like her, and people not like her. Some of what I thought was "not me" later turned out to be exactly me.

And to others I say: Keep writing. Think about your characters. Question the default: How would your character change if he were a she, or mentally ill, or disabled, or trans, or black, or Asian, or bisexual, or asexual, or so many things. Don't let fear of "getting it wrong" stop you; no single group is a monolith and some books that have spoken deeply to me have not reached others in the same way. It is impossible to write a character or story that speaks to everyone, but that isn't a bad thing. If anything, it shows why diversity is so important.
If you are concerned about your plot or character having problematic elements, consider your other characters and reach beyond the default. As an example, let's take the gay villain trope. If your only gay character happens to be the Bad Guy, this can send a message that you probably don't intend. The easiest solution to this is to think actively about your other characters.
You are not limited to one type of character per book; for instance, I have the first book of a series in progress where I decided the story worked better if the co-main character and love interest was a woman. By doing this, the majority of my cast became either gay/lesbian or bisexual. I feel (and so do my betas!) that this has made my story all the stronger. Ask yourself if there is another character (who is not a villain or antagonist) who could be gay or bisexual (or whatever is that you are concerned about). If so, problematic trope averted!
Above all: Keep the faith. It can be hard, when you fear getting it wrong and read advice that is in diametric opposition. But in my opinion, this is the most important thing about writing; reaching others, showing them they are not alone, and giving them hope. Someday, it might be your work that brings light to a suicidal child’s life.

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elialshadowpine @ 2014-02-09T15:58:00

2014-02-10T00:06:21Z

This is from my GF Omi, who I love very dearly, but we can only help so much financially. If we had the money, we would. Also if someone wants to concise-ify for signal boosts, feel free. I don't think I can any more than this. (Also, the medication she is speaking of is psychiatric meds that I get here without a drug test.)

Please take a look at the Indiegogo page, and signal boost if you can!

Originally posted by omimouse at Halp

So. The house. The house is a deathtrap of collapsing floors, rotting studs, leaky ceilings, thick black fuzzy growth, no central heating . . . I could go on in this vein for a while.

The state of West Virginia. We barely missed the official 'do not use' water from the spill. We live in between Huntington and Charleston, the two cities named most miserable in the US by a recent Gallup poll.

The job market. Not capable of supporting us paying rent, which was why we've been living in a place that doesn't have it.

The state of us. Three of us have mental and/or physical issues rendering us incapable of jobs. The local mental health options for the poverty stricken are . . . well, I talked about changing my medication and got told it would mean automatic drug testing first, and then mandatory random drug testing after. That's when I'm listened to.

We are therefore moving our asses out of here, across the country, to Washington state. Why there? Well, for starters, we have Family out there. And friends. And the minimum wage is higher there. And the unemployemnt is lower. And it's liberal. And the area we're looking at has only a slightly higher COL than here. And the water's safe to drink.

Really, it's that last one that drives it home.

This is going to take us shredding every resource we have available. And it's still going to be . . . yeah.

Halp?

Originally posted by louisadkins at Your Attention, Please?

(X-Posted to Dreamwidth and Facebook)

Ladies and Gentlebeings, I direct those of you at the back of the tent to move closer, so everyone can see the display. We're moving, but we need some help getting there. Please take a moment to read up on it, and contribute if you can. Either way, I would appreciate a signal boost from as many people as possible. Thanks, all!

Click here to go to the fundraiser page.

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[Unfiltered] B&N Rant

2014-02-07T12:47:10Z

I posted a version of this on FB. I figured it probably deserved to be posted here, too, because I cannot be the only one having these issues. I'm revising it a bit because, well, Facebook isn't exactly meant for long posts... you can do them, but I doubt very many people click the "see more" link, if they even see it (at least, I've missed it more than once).

I think most folks know I have a Nook. I've, er, been a little evangelistic about it in the past. >_> Morgan and I were gifted with our first Nook Color back in 2008 when the rheumatoid arthritis that we both have hit Morgan's hands hard enough that they literally could not hold up a book to read anymore. I have similar problems with my hands, although I can read YA in print (... y'know, unless it's a doorstopper like some of the Harry Potter books), but any adult romance or SFF was right out. My own Nook Color followed suit, and I bought a Nook HD+ last year, which I'm starting to regret having purchased the 3yr warranty for.

However... for the past several months, I have been having issues when trying to purchase e-books. Often, BN.com will not let me log in (I'll put my username and password into the log-in, and it just... won't log me in). That's been happening since September or so, and I was able to get around that by going to the Nook-specific page on BN.com and logging in... but even that doesn't work half the time now. Something else that started in December is that clicking the "Buy Now" button will not bring up the pop up to purchase. I have confirmed this is not an error with my computer, as it has happened under multiple OSes and multiple browsers. I have run into about five unique types of errors, and I have friends who have been experiencing the same. BN support is useless; they have no idea and try to tell me it's my computer. DX

Some months ago, B&N updated so you can use the Google Play store (at least on the Nook HD+, I cannot say for the other devices) which includes the Kindle app. (ETA : I have just been informed this was a temporary glitch and you can no longer add the Kindle App on Nook unless it is rooted. Well, fuck me if I ever have to wipe and reinstall.) I have really avoided buying books from Amazon, because they are the elephant in the living room when it comes to digital book sales. I'll admit I also have an emotional attachment to B&N. My childhood was wretched in a lot of ways but all of my family are huge readers. Monthly trips to B&N or Borders were special, because while we normally made lists of books we wanted to check out and see if the library had (considering that we usually walked out with lists of 20+ books between the 4 of us... it was kinda necessary), but we also always got to pick out one book to take home. More if we chose to spend allowance money. So, I have happy fuzzy warm feelings with B&N.

But... the way they have handled e-books is truly abysmal. I mean, the site issues that mean I can't buy except from my device directly (and even that doesn't always work; I've gotten errors there, too, and if I want more than one book, finger typing the author name and title is annoying.), which is definitely a problem. Add to that, we had a BN membership for years, but they seem to offer less and less. There's I believe a discount on print books bought in stores, and there's free shipping for books bought online, but nothing for digital books. Unless I've missed it, there's nothing to incentivise readers to go into their stores and purchase digital books in store. Some of our favorite restaurants are up by our local B&N, and if they had something like that, we'd totally go in, use the store as a showroom, and buy online. We also almost always get stuff from the Starbucks in the B&N, too. We spent a not insignificant amount of time and money in the store, that they have completely lost. I mean, I understood why they didn't have anything like that when agency pricing was a thing, but now that it's gone, they're still sticking with the same old model. *headdesk*

(Edit for people who don't know what agency pricing is: this was a collusion between the Big 5 NY publishers and Apple to price fix books to prevent Amazon from discounting. If you really want some schadenfreude, look up the case, it's... look, I couldn't write fiction like this because nobody would believe people could be so stupid. All the pubs settled, and there have been many discounts, but Amazon still has an average lower price and more frequent discounts.)

The same old model is not going to work, and it doesn't seem like their stores are doing all that well, either, what with the plans for store closures, and that they are winnowing away books bit by bit. I don't go into a bookstore to buy kitschy knick-knacks, I go in to buy books. You know. These things.

Since I haven't been able to buy books on BN.com reliably for months, I've gone over to Amazon since I can read them with the Kindle app. I was shocked to find on a regular basis that books were $2-4 cheaper. I read a lot of YA, and BN would price them at $9.99-13.99 ... Amazon, $9.99 is the highest I've seen, with exceptions for niche stuff, and often they are lower. I see discounts a lot, and I don't mean necessarily the super-low 99c or $2.99, but $3 or so off the list price. $2-4 savings on a book is a really big deal when I often buy multiple books at a go.

What really struck me today though was Amazon's also-bought. I have heard good things about it from indie authors but I haven't really used it as a reader, not since I was a teen looking for new SFF. I went to pick up one book... and ended up picking up seven or eight, multiple by indie authors, because they popped up on the also-boughts (all steampunk, with the exception of a gothic romance set in Victorian England, which is close enough). BN's also-bought is... well. Flipping awful. I've had their also-bought pop up with books that aren't even in the same genre. (And I don't mean science fiction instead of fantasy, I mean stuff like religious non fiction when the book I was looking at was an urban fantasy demon hunter novel. WTF??)

I feel almost like I'm doing something "wrong" by "betraying" BN, but I know that's ridiculous. I've stuck with it a long way, probably longer than most people, and... well, WTF am I supposed to do if their site is so screwed up that I can't actually buy the book. I'm not going rah-rah Amazon, because I do have concerns about monopolies, but at the same time, their customer experience is a hell of a lot better than I can say for B&N right now. And I save money on books, which means I can buy... more books... wait, what is this "savings account" that you speak of? >_>

Much <3 to anyone who managed to read through this novel of a post... lol (and yeah, I know, I know, it took me this long to figure it out...)

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[Writing] On "Making Excuses For Science Fiction" and the Complications of Being a Woman SFF Author

2014-02-03T19:42:35Z

This will be one of my few open posts, because I feel it's important enough to share beyond my friends list. Note that

Kameron Hurley (whose Bel Dame trilogy is amazing) wrote an essay for Locus Magazine, which is also quite excellent. The essay is worth reading in its entirety, but in it, Hurley speaks about feeling like she had to make excuses for what she wrote.

A couple excerpts:

Yet I contributed to this very narrative about my work. Instead of talking about my books as serious (or at least fun) literature, I found myself falling into the same self-conscious trap I had as a kid, when I muttered about how I was writing a story about an expedition to Venus where the volcanos erupted with flowers. I said stuff like: ‘‘Oh, you probably won’t like it. It’s pretty weird,’’ or ‘‘It’s not for everyone,’’ or ‘‘You’ll only like it if you read a lot of science fiction.’’

and

Her reaction made me re-evaluate how I talked to people outside of SF/F about the books I love. In SF/F circles, we delight in complexity and sense-of-wonder. We spend millions upon millions of words debating about the slim difference between ‘‘science fiction’’ and ‘‘fantasy.’’ But folks outside of it really couldn’t care less. People outside of the SF/F bubble just want to know, quickly and simply, what it’s about.

While there is definite truth to what Hurley is talking about (and let me say that I am not criticizing Hurley for not speaking about this; I am fairly certain it is something she is aware of herself, but there are many reasons she may have chosen not to address this), there is another factor that she hasn't addressed, and that is gender. Women are specifically taught from childhood not to "show off". Instead of talking excitedly about things we are interested or things we are creating, we are expected to be demure, humble, and even self-deprecating. Heaven forfend we actually take pride in our work.

It's difficult cultural training to overcome. Moreso if you also have social anxiety. Almost all writers are taught that it's just a hobby, that it's not real work, but there is a pernicious sexism when it comes to women. I'm considering some of the panels that I have seen, where there were both men and women on the panel. The men were exuberant and raring to talk about their book; the women visibly struggled to describe their books. These are all published authors.

I do not see the issue as much in romance, where men are uncommon. I see women excited and ready to share their stories, and full of pride about them -- well, so long as they are in groups where romance writing isn't considered "trash". In SFF, even now, there are is still the old boys' club, and while people are working to dismantle that, it takes time, beacuse there are people (usually men, but not always) fighting every step of the way.

While I have talked about being raised as male (long story, but the TL;DR version is that I was homeschooled and dreadfully isolated, and my father wanted a son; after my mother had my sister, she said no more children -- therefore and ever after, my dad dubbed me the son he did not have), I did not actually start talking about my writing much until I started embracing my femininity and womanhood. It was something I noticed, and it is something that worked its way into my subconscious.

It ties in, too, with Imposter Syndrome, which affects women at a higher rate than men. The downside of encouraging self-deprecation is that women start to believe it. When you believe that your work is shit and not worth anything, it's not surprising that women back down for fear of reprimand or scolding. There is a definite subset of people who seek to knock women who are confident about their abilities "down a peg."

In light of that, how can we expect women not to make excuses for their work? It's ingrained. It's there in our very society, and it is certainly there in writers' communities and organizations. It's insidious, to the point many of us don't even know we're doing it.

The solution? Become aware. Know that it is affecting us. Fight it when and where we can (and if and only if it is safe to do so; as important as it is, ideology is not worth someone's physical or mental well-being). At the very least, be proud of ourselves, even when we can't speak up. When we can, tell our stories, and tell people what they're about. Sometimes that means memorizing your blurb until you can say it in your sleep (I can't be the only one whose thoughts fly out of her head the moment she's put on the spot). Sometimes it means having the strength and will to just say it -- and it's hard to say, make no mistake.

But each time, it gets a little easier. (At least, it does for me.) If you're not able to, don't beat yourself up; there will be other chances. This is not an all or nothing game; this is a progression. For every two steps forward, there will be one step back. This is still progress.

Write what you love. Stand up for your work. Or don't, if it's not safe. But most of all: Be proud, because you have your work, and nobody can take that away from you.

I must also add: A great big thank you to Kameron Hurley for writing about this, because it's an important topic. I urge again, for anyone who is interested in a science fantasy Muslim based future setting with plenty of POC, a foul-mouthed and tough-as-nails queer assassin protagonist (who puts all the supposed "ass-kicking, tough-as-nails" women protagonists to shame), and an awesome team of characters that includes shape shifters and bug magic with a very devout but not so very good magician, and their many adventures -- CHECK THESE BOOKS OUT, THEY ROCK. (This series is probably my favorite from the entirety of 2013.)

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[signal boost] Last Day for Imperial Blood!

2013-11-05T13:56:50Z

I've posted about this before but since it's the last day and they are just a little bit short... and if they don't make it they have to pay essentially a penalty.... please pass along, and let's see if we can't get the rest of the way!

Also, there is one custom pony slot still open, and Naamah's ponies? Are fucking awesome. Don't believe me? Click here. (I will be getting one! AMG SQUEE. SQUEEE.)

Originally posted by naamah_darling at Imperial Blood: only 20 hours left! Last call!

Twenty hours to go on the Imperial Blood campaign. We are at 89%. That's $375 from goal. That's all!

If we sell that last pony slot, we're pretty much there. Home free.

Obviously I would really like to make it. Even two bucks, or five, makes a difference. If we don't make goal, we forfeit about $150 of what we've made, which would be less than ideal.

We also have those little guys for $25. The come already gift boxed to save you the frustration of trying to wrap something so weird.

So give it some thought, eh?

Thank you for everything. For all the boosting -- y'all have done a really outstanding job of it this time -- and thank you for the donations, and the words of support.

I truly, truly think this is one of the best things we've done, and if you are at all kinky, maybe give it a try.

The link, one last time!

We appreciate everything so much. Cross your fingers. I still think we can get there.

Someone buy that pony!

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[signal boost] Imperial Blood launches at Indiegogo!

2013-10-09T05:12:51Z

Note: Naamah is one of my oldest, dearest friends (and both she and her husband are amazing writers), and if folks would be willing to toss a little into the hat, or simply to signal boost, that would be awesome.

Originally posted by naamah_darling at Imperial Blood launches at Indiegogo!

It's that time again! And so soon. We must stop meeting like this. People will talk.

The Indiegogo campaign for Imperial Blood, our 9th Adventurotica novel, has launched! We have a little over a month to raise the funds to get us through to January.

This is the vampire novel I was talking about. It's gothic in the literary sense, somewhat lyrical, definitely going to be overwrought, and it's going to be full of kinky stuff. As usual, mostly het, but with M/M and F/F sex too. Yay, fucking!

What's it about?

Lucky you! You can has trailer!

Or you can read this summary:

From his dark palace at the northernmost part of the world, the dread Emperor Acrisius rules over his vast empire. Once every hundred years, he sends for a girl of royal lineage to be brought to his court. None are ever seen again.

When Sibylla is called, she must go, not knowing what will become of her. She fears the summons will mean her death, but she finds herself entangled in the ancient, complex life of the Dark Lord: a man who lives on blood, destroys all he touches, and yearns for a lost love he can never regain. He will seek to make her his in more ways than she can imagine, and if she is to remain herself, she must resist.

Garath, the young knight who loves her, dares everything to follow her into the north, willing to brave darkness, cold, and terror to save her. He falls into the hands of Minaraja, the Emperor's first bride, a creature of deathless cruelty and unending spite. Roused to hunger by his youth and beauty, she seeks to break his spirit with pleasure and terror.

Sibylla and Garath must find their own way through this dark place of intrigue, passion, and death unending.

See what I mean? We wanted it to be a sort of . . . well, here, this is what we said on the campaign page:

"Imperial Blood is a bit of a departure from our usual tales of derring-do and pornified sex. It is going to be a kind of dark fable, intentionally taking all the tropes of the Gothic Romance and turning them inside out while still maintaining the feel and atmosphere. It's going to be serious, kink-heavy, and fantastical. The essential, central idea was 'A Beauty and the Beast story where Beauty becomes the Beast.' It's also a fun chance to p*ss all over Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey. It will feature male-dom and fem-dom BDSM, and while most of it will be het, girls will get it on with girls and guys will get it on with guys. Something for everyone, as long as you're kind of a perv."

Sargon's writing, I'm kink-consulting (Am I qualified for that? Can I get that on a business card?) and helping with sex scenes. I've read the first few chapters and I am definitely liking the tone and the places it's already going. Bad places.

Also! For those of you not so much into porn, vampires, or . . . vampire porn.

I'm offering these glass and wire ornaments in black and silvertone, instead of bookmarks. They're available a la carte, if you don't want us mailing random piles of porn to your place, which is probably understandable if you have unneutered pets who might Get Ideas or something. They're $25, and may I point out they make lovely gifts and it's not too early to think about the coming holidays. Yulepocalypse. Christmas. Or whatever you call it. They even come gift boxed so you don't have to worry about wrapping them!

AND FINALLY

Yes, I'm offering ponies again! Goth vampire ponies with optional fairy wings. At a slightly lower price this time, but they won't have as many accessories as the steamponies (pics coming), and I'm trying to move two, not just one plus a random drawing (which was fun). They WILL be fabulous. I'm seeing gothy eye makeup, maybe some flowing ribbons and/or fishnets, and possibly some fairy wings because I'd like to do more of those. And there's the NSFW bondage toys version. Yeah. Willing to go there.

So, stop by, or spread the word:

Imperial Blood, it will be awesome.

Now, oh my god, I need to use the sleep!

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[Repost] On Food Banks, or Eating the Kindness of Strangers

2013-10-09T02:36:14Z

I am sharing this because Louis and Omi are dear friends of mine (Omi being actually my girlfriend). While they were visiting us here in late Spring/early Summer, they were supposed to get a regular check-up call from the Department of Social Services. However, Social Services never called, and even though Louis made multiple calls to try to get ahold of them, they were removed from the SNAP program. It is nearly six months later and they still are getting the run-around by their state, so they are having to use food banks in order to have enough food to eat.

Louis wrote this post because I was shocked at the quality/quantity -- or lack thereof -- of the food they were getting. I'm re-posting it because I expect I'm not the only one who was ignorant, and this is a pretty major deal; people who are going to food banks should not be receiving expired/rotten food. (They described receiving a food item with maggots at one point.)

Please read, and I would ask that people please re-post this, because having talked with some other friends, this is not an uncommon situation for food banks at all. (And I imagine that it is probably worse right now because of the gov't shutdown.)

Originally posted by louisadkins at Of Food Banks, or, Eating the Kindness of Strangers

(This post is posted public so that anyone can see it or share it, as needed.)

So, a friend asked me to sum up my experience with using the local food bank.

So, first thing to keep in mind. Our food bank is only able to provide service on a once-a-month basis. You tell them how many people you are providing for, and they base how much they give you off of that. In our case, they know we are a family of five.

In addition, you should know that the quality of the food is totally random. Sometimes you get name-brand goods, usually off-brand, a lot of the time the super-saver generic. It totally depends on the donations that keep the bank open.

Now, I don't know how much the bank pre-sorts out of the donations, but it is painfully obvious that some people use the food bank as a way to clean out their pantries of old, damaged, unused foodstuffs. Even after the pre-sorting, though, it's not all inside the "Best Used/Sold By" dates.

This month, we got a bit more overall than we had been getting; donations must have been up. (yay!)

Let me start with a list of what was, verifibly still "good" food - that is to say, still inside the date, not open, no signs of being off. :: We got a single package of bologna, a single package of hot dogs, five pounds of AP Flour, eight white hamburger buns, four boxes off-name mac and cheese, a box of spaghetti noodles, 2 single packets of Ramen (chicken flavor,) two boxes of noodles, a small canister of oats (steel cut, pleasant surprise,) six packets of cherry-lime diet drink powder, one bag Pinto Beans, two jars of peanut butter, a can of peas, two cans each of green beans, carrots, tomato sauce, and tomato soup, and a box of bran flakes cereal. There was also a flat of deli-made cupcakes that expired the day we got them.

We had some stuff that was not in its original packaging, but looked okay. :: Two sticks margarine, approx. two pounds cheddar flavored cheese shreddings (in a ziploc!), three half-sleeves of Ritz-style crackers, three individual-wrapped rice crispy treats, three packets Starbucks instant oats (no flavor,) and a loose Kroger sack of assorted pastries and cookies (about a dozen, in all.)

Now we get in to the fun stuff. The canned corn and grape jelly were missing their expiration dates, and the ten pound bag of bone-in chicken leg quarters was also missing it's exp date.. and looked to have partially thawed out, at some point. (ick.)

The rest was just plain out of expiration. The "Asian Blend" veggies that had started to rot in the bag were pretty bad. The two loaves of bread weren't growing anything, yet, so they were still edible. The Wheat Thins were out by over a month, but still fine. The ready rice from July.. not so much. The Jiffy mix from February, the box of hot chocolate from May, the PORK and beans can from May, and the black beans.. all out from early this year. The 40 oz can of yams from LAST year.. was pretty gross. There was also a half of a pudding cake that was out by a few weeks - half of that was dry, but the other half was still edible.

So, there you have it. That is what we got, for a month, from the food bank, for a family of five. (They also tossed in 16 oz laundry soap, and a couple other toiletries.) Some months we throw away more than we did, this time, some months a little less. It really depends on our luck of the draw.

I hope this write-up is helpful.

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Friend needs a place to stay in eastern WA State/Yakima Valley. Please repost!

2013-08-31T19:48:12Z

Anyone know anybody in the Yakima area who would have a place to stay?

Originally posted by naamah_darling at Friend needs a place to stay in eastern WA State/Yakima Valley. Please repost!

If you or anyone you know lives in Washington State, please read and repost; Grace/snowcoma has run into housing troubles and needs a place to stay.

So, the place where I am staying with my boyfriend is basically run by an extremely manipulative, abusive woman who also takes all our foodstamps and then barely lets us eat.

We're looking for ANY place to stay, short-term, in the Yakima Valley/Eastern WA.

I really don't know if this will help at all, but I'm falling apart due to her, and my BF and I have slept rough just to avoid it. We may end up sleeping rough again, and at this point we would be grateful to anyone who would let us on their land to do so.

I miss the hell out of you guys. I wish I could have better contact with y'all. *tight hugs* My phone is the best (only) way to contact me: 503-568-6660.

My phone is currently shut off so I can't get answers to questions or relay offers of help; you'll have to call. If anyone can help out by reposting or offering a place to sleep, it would be very much appreciated.

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[Writing] ... Praise and Constructive Criticism are not mutually exclusive

2013-08-06T10:31:35Z

So, there's a particular article about what differentiates a hobbyist from a pro writer, that is full of BS that has been talked about by various people like Brian Keene and John Scalzi.

One thing, though, I haven't seen addressed is this:

"4. Would you rather receive useful criticism than praise?"

Okay, I really fucking loathe this dichotomy. I have seen it a lot in crit and writing groups. This idea that either you take criticism like a masochist, or you are an idiot who wants people to pander with praise, is fucking stupid.

It's not a one or the other deal. You can want useful criticism for the things that you did wrong, or that you almost got right, or that could be better if you did this... and still want to be praised for the things you did well. There is an attitude in writer's groups that I find fucking harmful, which is that if you're a true pro, then you shouldn't care about praise.

It's fucking human to want praise. It's normal, and healthy, and for gods' sakes, I have seen so many crit groups where a badge of honor is taking sometimes downright abusive shit about your work, and not complaining. It's a toxic attitude. It's important for writers to hear both criticism and praise -- but too often, writers are told that if they even want praise, they obviously aren't serious.

Not to mention that praise is also an important part of a crit, because it helps you figure out what you're doing right. If all you have is a crit full of complaints, well, you can still work on improving, but it doesn't give you a very clear idea of your strengths.

You can want both. You should have both. And I am really annoyed at this all-or-nothing, one-or-the-other thinking. The world doesn't work that way.

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