jordan

elfsparkles — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 19:41:19 GMT

March 10, 2014

Had my final pre-op doctor appointment this morning at my primary doc’s office with the PA I usually see. He’s really chill, funny, competent, and we randomly have music and body mod interests in common (he likes hardcore), so appointments with him are pretty chill. He did a minimal exam, mostly just updated my medical record, skimmed over my cardiology report from last week, checked what bloodwork needed to be done, etc. He seems excited for me that I’m having top surgery since he knows I’ve wanted / needed this for a long time :) And he’s gonna give me a new prescription for T in April once it’s okay to restart it after top surgery and he put a note about that in my record, which is great. (I can’t restart T, St Johns Wort, or aspirin until 2 weeks post top surgery.) I feel better knowing I’ll definitely be getting T again soon.

The phlebotomist was really funny and nice too, and super good at drawing blood from my tiny veins (well, only one). I told her that normally it takes phlebotomists multiple tries to find a good vein in my arm and she said “Nah, I don’t really feel like doing that. That sounds too much like work, and it’s Monday, blehhhh.” Hahaha.

Pre-op appointment with Shannon @ Dr. Fischer's office

elfsparkles — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 19:40:25 GMT

March 10, 2014

Okay, so. Pre-op appointment with Shannon last Thursday: got there a bit early but went to a cafe’ first cuz the office didn’t look like it was open yet and my dad & I were hungry. Apparently the cashier/waiter dude was checking me out a lot and I didn’t notice until after my dad mentioned it, haha. Awkward. He walked past me like literally 4 times and kept talking to me for no reason.

Anyway. This old lady came into the office shortly after I did right at my appointment time and she was kind of a mess because she’d just had facial surgery 2 days earlier, so Shannon had to deal with her first and that took a long time, like over half an hour. I had lots of paperwork to fill out anyway though. A bunch of stuff needed witness signatures so it’s a very good thing my dad came with me (although if I’d been by myself, probably one of the nurses could’ve signed them?). Dr. Fischer even did a draft of a letter to a Notary Public about my top surgery saying that I should be legally recognized as male. I don’t know if that will be enough to change my birth certificate or not because I was born in DC and I forget what the law is there but I think some places require at least a hysto if not also genital surgery. I filled some stuff out wrong but it was just minor stuff that doesn’t matter that much cuz it’s just going in my file with Dr. Fischer.

So eventually Shannon finished up with that old lady and took me and my dad back into the room with the couch and all the photo albums and a table. Shannon had a whole folder for me of copies of the paperwork I’d filled out, prescriptions from Dr. Fischer, and info sheets about pre-op stuff, surgery, and post-op stuff, plus info about what OTC pain meds I can’t take because of bleeding risk (NSAIDs) and for how long, and a little pamphlet thing about the drains. I’m glad the stuff is organized.

Shannon also had the new nurse (who was there to listen in) go get a sample drain to show me what it looks like and how it works (it uses suction). It’s a closed, sterile system so I don’t even have to rinse it out, just squirt the post-op fluid into the toilet. I only have to start recording the amount of fluid from day 3 to day 7 after top surgery. The drains totally look like clear plastic hand grenades.

I asked lots of questions (or I feel like I did) and she answered all of them thoroughly and patiently, which I appreciated. We talked about pain meds because I had to let Shannon know that Dilaudid made me incredibly nauseated last year which overshadowed however much it helped with post-op heart surgery pain, and that my dad & grandpa have mild allergies to Codeine. (So far, I do not have an allergy to Codeine.) Dr. Fischer wrote me a prescription for generic Vicodin (Hydrocodone), 30 of them, which seems like a lot. Vicodin’s a pretty heavy opioid, so I don’t know if I’ll like it or not since I hated Dilaudid and I was unconscious on morphine. We’ll see. Shannon said to take it if I need it for pain, and “Don’t be a hero because we have too many of those around here.” Other than that, I can take Tylenol, but no Ibuprofen or other NSAIDs til I think 2 weeks post-op :\ As for gardening, I can’t till any soil or anything else with lots of upper body movement. All I can do at the beginning of planting season this spring is plant & cover up the seeds (and I have to still wear a surgical binder for that so my chest will be more protected). I should be able to help out more with gardening toward the middle or end of growing season, once I’m better healed.

The restrictions for top surgery post-op are pretty much what they were for heart surgery last year: can’t lift anything over 15 pounds until after 4 weeks post-op; sleep on my back only; walk around; no pulling or pushing or reaching for things behind my reach; no arms over my head while still healing. A big difference though is that I can’t shower until I think after the first week (or after whenever I get the drains out), I can only do baths but my chest can’t get wet. After I get the drains out, I can shower but the water can’t spray my chest directly because it can hurt the nipples I think.

I think my dad only asked Shannon one question, and it was about what the typically general level of post-op pain is. She said it varies a lot with the person, and some guys manage without any pain meds, other guys need pain meds only sometimes, some need more. I have a pretty high pain tolerance. We’ll see.

After all that, then it was time for her to take pre-op pictures of my chest for Dr. Fischer, and then I had to try on a surgical vest. I wasn’t expecting either of those things, so it was a surprise, and I hate having my chest exposed and even more I hate having my chest touched. The photos didn’t involve touching, obviously, but unfortunately putting the surgical binders on did. Kind of a lot of touching. I don’t know why Shannon didn’t just have me put it on myself since obviously I know how to put a binder on. I would have said something but I was pretty triggered and when I get triggered I don’t usually speak, and I was already overwhelmed by the whole appointment (not in a bad way.. just lots of paperwork, lots of information, lots of feelings / processing the fact that top surgery is actually fucking happening for me). So that wasn’t fun at all. Shannon didn’t do anything wrong or inappropriate, it was all just medical stuff but unfortunately, 1) I’m autistic so I often hate being touched anywhere because of that, 2) I have PTSD so I also hate being touched because of that. I could have told her those things (they’re in my surgery letter from my transition therapist, actually), but I was triggered and wasn’t speaking much. The size small surgical vest was a little loose even with me pre-op, but the extra-small fit like a binder so that’ll probably be fine post-op. She’s gonna give both to Dr. Fischer just in case. I’m gonna have to wear the surgical binder basically 24/7, it sounds like, even to sleep, which sucks. Hopefully it won’t be tight enough to hurt my ribs like my binders do.

Anyway, so that whole thing was overwhelming. I went home and had a meltdown from being overwhelmed, exhausted and triggered. I wasn’t just triggered from her touching my chest, but 3 other people (two nurses, and my doctor) touching my chest at my cardiology appointment the day prior to that to do my heart check-up stuff. Normally nobody touches my chest except me. Ugh.

All medically necessary stuff though. Glad it’s over with.

elfsparkles — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 19:39:02 GMT

March 7, 2014

Two pre-op doctors appointments, two days in a row. Cardiology yesterday, pre-op stuff at Fischer’s office today. Four different people touched my chest - 3 yesterday, 1 today. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. I didn’t realize I was triggered by that until today, this evening, because I didn’t know what I was feeling. I’m also just really overwhelmed because top surgery is finally happening, I have all the paperwork, I’ve signed papers, and this is real. It’s a lot to take in.

I’ll update more thoroughly later I guess.

(march 3, 2014) one year post open-heart surgery

elfsparkles — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 19:37:57 GMT

March 3, 2014

One year post open-heart surgery #2 today. That was one of the scariest days of my life. Glad I was only dead for 30 seconds, didn’t come away with any more brain damage than I’d already had beforehand, and my surgeon avoided my Black Flag chest tattoo :) Also, being in the hospital with those teams of nurses & having my email to my surgeon’s nurse in my record saying what my sensory and other needs were & having pretty much everyone respect that while I was so vulnerable was amazing & helped my initial recovery so much. That was the first time I’d really advocated for myself as an autistic person (though I wasn’t claiming that yet) and had people actually respecting that. Amazing. The pain was horrible for months and there was a lot I couldn’t do, and it was tough dealing with being manicky when I had physical restrictions, and tough not sleeping, etc., but I got to watch and feel my body heal and see that I’m resilient, and that was really important for me.

elfsparkles — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 19:36:49 GMT

March 1, 2014

Getting some post-op top surgery care tips from trans friends :) The general agreed upon idea so far is that no, I will not be able to and therefore should not try to deal with my drains myself, and I should let people do most things for me. Lots of things I already know how to do from heart surgery last year because I had similar upper body movement restrictions, so I’m not too worried. Mostly I have to think of things to do to keep myself entertained that don’t involve too much arm movement.

Pre-op appointment at Dr. Fischer’s office on Thursday!

elfsparkles — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 19:35:56 GMT

February 28, 2014

I have to figure out how to tell my mom that I don’t want her there when I have top surgery. My top surgery that is a month away. I haven’t really been talking to her about top surgery stuff, but I guess she’s just been assuming that she’s going. This is a problem because we don’t have a good relationship and haven’t probably since I was a child, we just tolerate each other, and she’s really awful to me (and/or has been awful without apology) in a bunch of different ways: my abuse history, my mental health, having learning disabilities, being autistic, being gay, being trans, etc. I want top surgery to be a positive experience, so she needs to just not be there. I tolerate her and put up a front for my dad’s sake because he asked me to, but I haven’t had a big open talk with her about this stuff, and I need to. Ugh.

elfsparkles — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 23:36:18 GMT

February 19, 2014

Shannon from Dr. Fischer’s office called today. She spoke with Jacquie, who spoke again with somebody at Carefirst, and now the situation is the Carefirst is not going to pay the surgeon’s fee, but will pay for the anesthesia, operating room, and if I have to stay overnight (which I shouldn’t, but ya never know). So the surgeon’s fee is gonna have to be paid up front at my upcoming paperwork appointment on March 6. It’s $4,200, which I think is about half of what her usual fee is (unless the usual fee is inclusive of O.R., anesthesia, etc). I’m glad that my insurance is supposedly gonna cover everything else. Still a lot of money though.

Also, U of Md Hospital changed my surgery time. It’s at 7:15AM now (instead of 11:30AM), and I have to be at the hospital at 6AM. Definitely gonna have to stay in a hotel near the hospital then, otherwise I’d have to get up before 4 in the morning to leave my house on time. 6AM is not too bad really; I’m not a morning person, but I don’t sleep much at night, so I’m used to being awake early. I likely won’t sleep the night before top surgery anyway because I’ll be excited, just like I only slept for 30 minutes the night before my heart surgery last year because I was scared.

I still need to collect post-op stuff (and get whatever I don’t have), go shopping for a few button-up shirts & zip-up hoodies / figure out how to unshrink my favorite button-up shirt, loosen my muscles, wash my heart pillow, etc.

elfsparkles — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 23:35:38 GMT

February 5, 2014

All my ducks are in a row now with top surgery with Dr. Fischer: all my pre-op appointments (cardiology check-up; paperwork / pre-op appointment with Shannon; primary doc pre-op check-up plus blood work) are scheduled for March.

Only 7 weeks and 2 days to go!

The things left to do to prepare for top surgery are:

- gently stretch my stiff back and chest muscles that are still sore from heart surgery

- take vitamins / avoid sick people / sleep as much & as well as I can / eat & drink things that boost immunity

- taper off most of my meds

- talk with Shannon about pain meds

- check otc meds from heart surgery and see if they’re still good

- get whatever first aid stuff I need (gloves, medical tape, gauze, bandages, medical scissors, scar treatment, etc.)

- buy more button-down shirts & another zip-up hoodie

- reinstall the detachable shower head thing in my shower & make sure it doesn’t leak

- figure out who’s taking care of me post-op (my dad & maybe one other person?)

Hung Jury (book review)

elfsparkles — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 23:34:44 GMT

February 5, 2014

So, a few months ago, I bought myself a copy of the book Hung Jury: Testimonies of Genital Surgery by Transsexual Men, edited by Shannon T. Cotten. I got it because I didn’t feel like I knew enough about bottom surgery in terms of the details and guys’ actual experiences, I was tired of trying to ignore my body dysphoria about my junk, fed-up with being misinformed about bottom surgeries by the ignorant negativity perpetuated about them so frequently in the trans male community and ashamed of myself for having participated in that out of envy, insecurity and ignorance.

In my opinion, Hung Jury is a really good, necessary, informative book overall, although I found that the information (mostly the surgical details) did tend to get a bit repetitive — which is to be expected, since the details of the surgeries only tend to differ so much. One of my favorite parts of the book was the chapter about Lou Sullivan’s transition through his own journal entries and things he published in the newsletter FTM International (which he helped start), especially his experiences transitioning in SF and being in the gay scene there as a trans guy. Another favorite part of the book was the chapter by a black trans man whose name I think is Toyneo because I’m mixed (black, Jewish, Cherokee) so my body is different than it would be if I were just white, and my experiences are different. That was really helpful to read.

However, I do have a major problem with how some guys in the book refer to pre-op (and non-op) trans guys’ cocks as “clitorises” and I think (I can’t remember exactly) referring to pre-op (and non-op) trans guys’ genitals as “female” because both of those things disrespect our rights to body autonomy and consent since they ignore other guys’ right to decide how our bodies are referred to, and there’s no fucking way that they didn’t know a lot of trans guys would (rightfully) have problems with that. That gave off a really snotty message of “Well, I’ve had bottom surgery, so I have a penis now. If you haven’t had bottom surgery, then your body isn’t totally male.” Fuck that bullshit so much. I do not have any problem with a trans guy referring to his own genitals however he wants to, but I have a serious problem with trans guys just deciding for themselves how to refer to other guys’ bodies (or anyone else’s bodies) without permission because that’s oppressive. I haven’t had bottom surgery yet, but that doesn’t mean I have a “clitoris” - I have a penis and that’s all I’ve ever had, regardless of my hormones and surgical status at any point, end of the fucking story, goodbye.

I guess I will say that I cautiously recommend the book to other trans guys (and anyone else) who want to know more about bottom surgeries, especially other trans guys’ experiences with them — but I’d warn about the nonconsensual technical terms / misgendering, as well as gory details, lots of stuff about body dysphoria that may be triggering, etc. Also, there’s a bunch of writing that the partners of the trans guys featured did that’s in the back of the book after the trans guys’ essays, but I haven’t actually read those yet, so caution about those as well, I guess. There also may be other stuff in there that’s shitty that I’m forgetting. Oh, I also wish that more gay trans men had been featured.

Overall, I really liked the book and I’m glad I read it.

elfsparkles — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 23:32:36 GMT

February 5, 2014

The more research I do on metoidioplasty, the more I really, really want to go to Dr. Miroslav Djordjevic in Belgrade, Serbia. I really like that he does it all in one operation, he’s a urologist and a reconstructive surgeon, etc. I also like that Djordjevic isn’t terribly expensive (although the travel and hotel costs probably would be), around 15K US I think.

Dr. Curtis Crane in San Francisco also sounds well-trained and I like that he’s a reconstructive urologist as well, and that he’s trained with Dr. Djordjevic as well as a member of Dr. Monstrey’s team in Belgium. He does very good metoidioplasties as well from what I’ve seen so far. He doesn’t seem to do everything in one stage though, so if I went to him, I’d have to go back for scrotoplasty later.

need. metoidioplasty.

elfsparkles — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 23:31:24 GMT

February 3, 2014

(TW discussion of genitals, sex, body dysphoria)

My body dysphoria has seemingly intensified (or at least not gotten any better) over the past bunch of years, especially the last two years that I’ve been off of testosterone. (February 10th of this year will be 2 years off of T.) I’m planning to go back on T in April, after top surgery, and stay on it. (Here’s a list of my reasons for stopping testosterone (link http://silencingmachine.tumblr.com/post/68584142856/may-i-ask-why-you-stopped-and-how-old-are-you)) Being off of testosterone has overall been an interesting and necessary experiment for me so I could sort out my feelings and stuff, but it is not right for me. I have body dysphoria not only about my chest, but also my junk, and always have: my junk was the first thing I was dysphoric about when I was 3 or 4 years old. (I didn’t have a chest to be dysphoric about until age 9 or 10.) Being off of testosterone has amplified my body dysphoria and brought me back around emotionally to how I felt before transitioning because that’s more or less how I look without enough testosterone (except at least I have more facial and body hair now). It’s been like a punch to the stomach, but sometimes I have to relearn something the hard way.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to have a metoidioplasty done like I’ve had in mind since I was 12 and first learned about trans men and transitioning when I saw part of a 1997 documentary called You Don’t Know Dick: Courageous Hearts of Transsexual Men. I’m going for a metoidioplasty with “the works”: dick release and repositioning, urethral lengthening, mons reduction, vaginectomy, scrotoplasty, testicular implants. I’ll also be having a (hopefully laproscopic) hysterectomy and oophorectomy.

I’ve spent my life just trying to ignore my crotch as much as possible because all I can really do with most of it is reluctantly tolerate it. I normally don’t mess with it other than as necessary (dealing with menstruation while off of T, which hasn’t been that bad because I think of it like peeing or whatever) or as I want to sometimes (sex sometimes and occasionally with jerking off). I can’t always ignore my junk though and there’s not much I can do besides that, and my body dysphoria is incredibly difficult to deal with, and I’m fucking tired. It’s been 24 years of this. (I’m 28.) It’s an aesthetics issue, a functionality issue, and overall an issue that it just feels wrong. I’ve felt this way since I was about 4 years old when I realized that peeing standing up didn’t work for me the same way it did for my brother and that “my body forgot to grow a penis.”

Regarding my cock, the main things that bother me about it are not being able to pee out of it, and its current position. Sometimes the size bothers me, too, but mostly the position. In terms of peeing, it’s frustrating to have to get my STP packer the Number One (link) first (or packing with it, which feels weird because it’s hollow and fold-able), making sure it’s positioned right, etc., before I take a leak. The Number One is the best, most well-made, and easiest STP device I’ve used so far — but I’d still much rather just be able to piss out of my cock.

As for the current position of it, that bothers me as well because of aesthetics, and not being able to fuck with my cock because of the suspension ligaments. It would be aesthetically like how I see it in my head if it were positioned properly (up and forward like a more typical penis). I think with a metoidioplasty, I would probably (hopefully) be able to penetrate partners during sex since I’ve had a good amount of growth from T (average or maybe a little above average for a trans guy) and I’ve got more than enough blood-flow to stay hard, so it’d probably depend as much on the position the other guy were in (according to a gay cis dude I’m probably gonna get involved with who’s a top). Although I’ve had decent growth, I still plan to use DHT ointment for three months prior to having bottom surgery done to increase the growth more as I’ve read that that’s recommended prior to metoidioplasty.

Sometimes, when comparing the size of my penis to that of cis guys, or when I’m just picturing in my head what I’d like for my body to look like, I will get frustrated about the size of my cock compared to other guys. However, it’s also important to remember that cis dudes’ penises (just like trans dudes’ cocks) come in all sorts of different sizes, shapes, degrees of functionality, and so on. It’s also really important to keep in mind that my ideal for myself is largely a result of social conditioning, and to question and counter that. Despite my periodic penis size woes, I have no plans right now to have a phalloplasty done — although I’m not ruling that out for the future.

elfsparkles — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 23:28:35 GMT

January 31, 2014

I got a call today from that woman Jacquie I was supposed to hear from a week or so ago. It turns out she actually works at Dr. Fischer’s office, not at UMD like I’d thought. She said she’d called Carefirst and given them all the right codes for me and had verified that they’re gonna cover at least part of the cost of my top surgery. However, she also said that if I’d heard conflicting information that I can either pay up front or Dr. Fischer can bill my insurance directly (since she participates with Carefirst) and she’ll send me whatever reimbursement check she gets. I’m very confused about all this because I know I read in my insurance book a bunch of years ago that they specifically exclude trans-related stuff — but I’m also listed as “female” on my insurance (changed initially from male, so that they’ll cover routine preventive medical stuff like gyno exams), so maybe that’s why Carefirst is saying they’ll cover part of the cost, because they forgot I’m a trans guy?? I dunno. I’m so worried that Carefirst is gonna go “oops, oh shit, what did we just pay for?” and change and make all the cost go to me. Trying not to stress too much but being anxious is kinda my thing. The amount that my insurance doesn’t pay, my dad is gonna loan me the money to pay for and then I’ll pay him back over time.

Anyway, I told my dad about the insurance thing and he said “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” That means don’t cause a fuss raising questions about a good thing that happens to you — but since I think visually, I always picture a goofy horse dentistry appointment.

elfsparkles — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 23:27:27 GMT

January 17, 2014

Supposed to be starting sports training (soccer to start with, maybe some wrestling, later kickboxing), plus D/s & gear fetish play & other kink with this gay metalhead fitness trainer masochist top who started talking to me on Recon over a month ago. We mostly talk on Google Hangout. His name’s Brad and he’s pretty fucking broey but whatever. I secretly kinda think of him as Gay Tyler Durden cuz he’s into boxing. He’s been really chill about me being trans so far, and chill about me being autistic, which has been nice. Sounds like we should be a good match.

I still have to go buy soccer stuff. He wants to play at night though at a soccer field so we can be alone and we can play soccer for a while til we get tired, then wrestle, do some gear play, and possibly fuck. Sounds really hot. I wish he’d just wanna be in a gym to start with since it’s fucking cold outside, but whatever. Def need to first meet in public during the day somewhere to get a read on him first, see if he sets off any red flags for me or not.

Anyway, really looking forward to sports/fitness training as much as playing/fucking. If I’m gonna be motivated to exercise a lot more regularly, doing so with a hot kinky gay dude and making aspects of it sexual is the way to go ;D

elfsparkles — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 23:26:00 GMT

January 17, 2014

Therapy yesterday was super intense: depressing (my therapist teared up / cried twice), happy.

My therapist Lorrie is ecstatic about my top surgery. She was so, so happy. That kind of let me feel happy, too. I’ve been wicked fucking depressed & stressed / anxious, aside from being manic lately. It’s hard to feel happy when I also feel overwhelmed by everything and it’s winter which is my worst time of year.

But I am happy. I’m excited. I’m relieved. I’m glad I survived to this point.

elfsparkles — Tue, 28 Jan 2014 00:02:24 GMT

Shannon called me yesterday & I called her back. She said she spoke with a woman who works at UMD Hospital named Jacquie and Jacquie talked with someone at my insurance company (Carefirst BlueChoice, state insurance) and gave them all the right codes, and the insurance person said with how my plan is right now, for surgery they cover 80% and I’d be responsible for 20%, and then it’d be a separate thing for anesthesia but probably also 80/20 I think? So she said as of right now, I won’t be responsible for paying Dr. Fischer up-front, instead it will be a wait-and-see type of thing: have the surgery, they’ll bill Carefirst, either Carefirst will cover part of it or they won’t.

I was shocked because I remember looking in the back of one of the insurance booklets a few years ago and seeing it specifically said they won’t cover any trans-related stuff, and I told Shannon that, and she said she’d talk to Jacquie and have Jacquie call me to talk with me about it.

If they do cover 80% of the cost, it’s because I’m listed as female on my insurance so they cover routine preventive care (pap tests, breast exams, etc), so they probably just see female + bilateral mastectomy, although I was initially listed as male on my insurance so somebody or other knows I’m trans. Plus I was on T for years and they covered that. So I dunno, we will see. Either they will cover part of it, or they won’t. Not sure what the actual cost is gonna be. Normally, it’d be around 8000 dollars, but this is a different hospital, cardiac anesthesiologist, etc., so it’ll be more.

It would be great if my insurance covers at least part of it. It’ll still be a lot of money to be responsible for 20% of the cost, but obviously not as bad as 100%. This is so confusing.

note to self: top surgery pain meds

elfsparkles — Tue, 28 Jan 2014 00:01:40 GMT

Note to Self:

At March 6 appointment, talk with Shannon and/or Dr. Fischer about issues with pain meds:

- I’m super sensitive to Dilaudid & Morphine (horrible nausea, plus dissociation, constipation, not sure how much it helped with pain);

- family history of allergy to Codeine (Dad, Grandpa H, Uncle Charles, S & T??) - hives, itchy, etc. I’ve taken Percocet before (Tylenol & Codeine) and it just made me feel really weird and nauseated, idk if it helped with pain.

- Very sensitive to CNS depressants. Mental health issues, etc.

- Other options for pain meds after top surgery????

elfsparkles — Tue, 28 Jan 2014 00:00:30 GMT

January 14, 2014

(TW suicide, depression)

I edited the entry where I announced my top surgery date. I wanted it to sound happier. I have a lot going on in my life right now but I wanted the announcement at least to be happy.

I have a lot of different things I’m feeling: pretty calm (thanks, Klonopin); relieved and grateful that top surgery is scheduled; relieved and grateful that I survived to get to this point; mourning/grieving my closest friend/pack member/protector Taylor; exhausted from swinging and forth between depressed & anxious and manic happy/hyper; exhausted from everything else; sad/confused about a sudden unhappy shift in a relationship I was just starting to get into and all the promise that that’d had (I don’t even know what exactly the situation is now or is going to be); nervous that I might have to go to in-patient psych next week because of PTSD and depression and anxiety. Somewhere underneath all that sadness and anxiety, I am delightfully, brilliantly happy about top surgery, it’s just that I have to dig for happy feelings right now. It’s kind of like when a pond is frozen and you can kind of see things beneath the ice but you can’t touch them. I was happy for a little while earlier today, but it slipped away when I started to feel overwhelmed.

It’s just strange. This is such a huge, amazing, awesome thing for me, but the rest of my life feels like it’s falling apart. It is just days since I felt I wouldn’t be alive to see my next birthday (on January 20); just a week and a day after my best friend of 11 years died of cancer; five days since I almost killed myself; three months since the last time that happened; a little over a year since I felt in my gut that I wouldn’t make it through 2013 alive and I made peace with that, kept my plan close, knew what I had to do, but put it away for later.

Maybe it’s best to think about it in numbers.

5 days since I almost killed myself. 5 days since I decided to stick around.

4 days that I’ve stayed straight-edge/sober despite living with drinkers

4 days that I’ve stayed safer despite myself

4 days listening to positive sXe hardcore songs about battling depression and resisting alcohol and drugs and being in this together. those songs make me feel hopeful & less alone & like i can change and get better.

4 days listening to to hardcore songs about anxiety and depression and being suicidal and losing sleep. they make me feel less alone because other people feel fucked up too.

3 months since the second-most-recent crisis, and I was almost gonna kill myself just to make it all stop, but I didn’t.

73 days until top surgery.

only 73 days more of having to bind my chest.

only 73 more days of body dysphoria about my chest.

73 days until I can eventually (post-initial healing) press my chest flat against another guy’s back or chest or thighs and it will feel like how it’s supposed to feel, nothing between us.

73 more days of waiting when I’ve been waiting for this for 18 years already (yes, since I was 10).

73 days is not very long.

I think I can do this.

Top Surgery is Officially SCHEDULED :D

elfsparkles — Mon, 27 Jan 2014 23:59:08 GMT

January 14th 2014

Top Surgery Officially Scheduled With Dr. Fischer!!!

Talked & emailed with Shannon at Dr. Fischer’s office today and she went ahead and scheduled my top surgery. My top surgery with Dr. Fischer is gonna be on March 28th at 11:30am at UMD Hospital. Holy fuck. I am really overwhelmed. Starting to calm down thanks to Klonopin, weighted blanket on the couch, and Panda curled up with me. I have a pre-op paperwork appointment with Shannon on March 6th so I will sign consent forms, and get the clearance forms and lab work stuff for my primary doc and cardiologist. I also have to get another cardiac clearance so it’s more recent, so I have to call tomorrow about that.

I don’t think I’m supposed to go back on testosterone until 2 weeks after surgery (pretty sure that’s what I read in a book about transitioning recently), which will be the second week of April, but I’m not sure so I’ll double-check with Shannon at the March 6th appointment. I was gonna go back on it this month, but since top surgery is only 73 days away and I’d have to go off of it 2 weeks prior to top surgery which would be the second week of March, there’s not much point in doing that since I’d only be on it for basically 2 months and then have to go right back off for a month. Damn. It’s alright though, I can wait. I will just have to work harder to get in better shape (especially to loosen my chest and back muscles) before top surgery.

Holy shit. This is really happening. This is real. I’ve been waiting 18 years for my tits to be gone (yes, age 10), 16 years since I knew I wanted to transition (yes, age 12). It’s happening.

Scheduling Top Surgery Next Week!!!!!

elfsparkles — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 22:46:32 GMT

I missed a call when I was out for ~3 hours today helping my dad with cutting dead-standing trees for firewood. Turned out the call I missed was from Shannon, the nurse handling my top surgery stuff at Dr. Fischer's office. Dr. Fischer finally got her surgical credentials letter from UMD Medical Center so now she officially has surgical privileges there, which means I can FINALLY schedule top surgery!!!!!! I missed the window for calling Shannon back before she left today, and she's off tomorrow, so I'll call next week. Holy crap, it's finally happening. I was kind of losing hope that it would actually happen because the credentialing process has taken about 6 months and I'm not a naturally optimistic person, but it's finally happening.

I've had a really rough bunch of weeks in a row, especially this week with losing one of my best friends to cancer. I definitely needed this good news right now.

elfsparkles — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 17:46:49 GMT

December 11, 2013

Called Dr. Fischer’s office this morning for an update. Someone at UMD was supposed to mail Dr. Fischer’s surgery credentials letter 2 - 3 weeks ago — actually probably longer than that, but that’s when they’d said they were going to mail it — but still hasn’t done so for whatever reason. How frustrating. At least Dr. Fischer and both nurses involved with my case have been wonderful this entire time, and they’re waiting just like I am. It’s mostly frustrating for me because I was hoping I might be done with top surgery and relatively healed enough (maybe 4 weeks out?) to carry a backpack so I could do next semester at least partly on campus, but that doesn’t seem likely to be the case.

Why I Stopped Testosterone

elfsparkles — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 17:45:13 GMT

November 30, 2013

Anonymous asked: may I ask why you stopped? and how old are you?

(me via Tumblr on my main blog)
vengeanceofthesea:

I am a zillion years old! 27, turning 28 in January.

I stopped taking testosterone for a bunch of reasons:

- Changes happened really quickly for me (I was stealth by about 7 months in, I think… I forget, it was almost 10 years ago) & by my 3rd year (if not my 2nd), I was happy that I’d gotten what I wanted from testosterone, so past that point it was just maintenance and after a while I needed to take a break and see what I was maintaining & whether that needed to continue or not.

- Mental health / Autism (Antidepressants overlapping with being on T was a really bad combination for me. Antidepressants fucked me up.) I have a hard enough time identifying & dealing with emotions just being autistic, and antidepressants & testosterone made that harder (more so antidepressants) by narrowing & changing & exacerbating pre-existing issues.

- The social stuff of transitioning got overwhelming & uncomfortable for me. In retrospect, a huge part of why that was so anxiety-worsening for me was because I’m autistic, so I was already struggling with social stuff in general, & worrying specifically about male socialization stuff on top of that was overwhelming. Being (or trying to be) stealth & starting college in the little city I grew up in & running into people who knew me prior to transition who’d screw up my name or pronouns, and a guy outing me at college my first semester didn’t help either. It was just a lot of stress, especially being pre-op. Ugh. Also I just figured out that I wasn’t into a lot of stereotypical male social stuff.

- Gender stuff: How I experience & express my gender (and I guess gender overall?) is very informed by being gay/queer (and probably a lot by the music I listen to… which is also probably kinda queer?), so I was trying to sort out what that meant for me / if it was a big deal or not, because I just knew I didn’t feel happy or like I was being perceived correctly, and I hadn’t sorted that stuff out for myself.

- Also, I have a congenital heart defect, and T raised my blood pressure a bit — never above generally normal levels, I don’t think, but my cardiologist at the time wasn’t happy

(me via my transition blog on Tumblr)
silencingmachine:

spoiler alert:

eventually i got more comfy with myself & sorted out my gender stuff as much as i probably ever have & i am just queer and a guy & i am kinda tired of labeling myself “non-binary”. also i miss being on T.

elfsparkles — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 17:38:53 GMT

November 17, 2013

just remembered/noticed my testosterone is expired. whoops :( i’ll have to remember to ask for a new prescription when i go to the doctor next time (or refill that one, if that endo i went to one time actually wrote a refill on it?). haven’t looked up yet how to safely dispose of vials of T but i think it’d actually be cool to make a charm necklace out of it necklace… not that i even wear jewelry most of the time, or know how to go about making a necklace with something like that.

elfsparkles — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 17:37:45 GMT

November 12, 2013
SURGICAL PRIVILEGES, YAYYYY!!!!!!

I called Dr. Fischer’s office about an hour ago and talked with Brenda to get an update. Dr. Fischer officially has surgical privileges at UMD Medical Center now so she can do my top surgery there :D :D :D :D She is still waiting for the physical copy of her surgical credentials letter from UMD though and the scheduling can’t happen before she has that. They’re expecting the letter to come within the next 2 weeks. After they get the letter, Shannon is gonna take over for Brenda and handle my top surgery stuff and will call me about scheduling top surgery :D Holy crap, I’m so relieved and happy!! I was getting really pessimistic because it was taking so long and I thought there was a problem, but now I have hope again.

(ETA: Turns out her surgical privileges aren't official until she gets the actual letter from UMD. So basically, she's going to get them but hasn't yet. Dammit.)

elfsparkles — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 17:35:53 GMT

October 25, 2013

Called Dr. Fischer’s office this morning & spoke with the top surgery nurse, Brenda, who’s handling my case. The office heard back from the UMD Medical Center surgical credentialing department, and Dr. Fischer is supposed to get a letter from that department next week officially credentialing her, I guess. Then, after Dr. Fischer reads the letter, Brenda is supposed to call the UMD Medical Center scheduling department to find out what their availability is like, and then when she finds that out, she will call me and let me know and I can schedule top surgery. So I should hopefully be able to schedule top surgery either next week or the week after that :D

elfsparkles — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 17:35:09 GMT

October 20, 2013

Really hope that Dr. Fischer’s office calls this week.. or next week… or some other time soon. This waiting and not knowing when I can schedule top surgery really fucking sucks. Binding hurts (especially with a tri-top) since my muscles aren’t fully recovered from heart surgery, but not binding makes me so anxious that it’s hard to even function, so: soreness & restricted breathing, or anxiety & body dysphoria & self-consciousness?

The process of Dr. Fischer getting surgical credentials at UMD medical center started in July sometime, so it’s been 3 months. One of the nurses at Fischer’s office said it usually takes 3 - 4 months for the surgical credentials process to be completed, so hopefully it’ll be finished this month or sometime next month. I don’t know why it takes so long, especially considering Dr. Fischer is an associate professor there.

If I have to stop binding because of my muscles, I dunno what the fuck I’m gonna do cuz I’m just gonna be even more anxious all the time. I hate this. I just want my chest flat like it’s supposed to be.

Also I want to have top surgery so it can be done and then I can go back on T, since I’d have to go off it due to increased bleeding risk. I’m pretty tired of not being on T. I feel differently than when I first started this blog, kind of a lot more settled, I think I figured some things out, so I’m pretty over not being on T anymore.

October 20, 2013

someone make my body go away.