Trying To Smile

Offline

2004-02-19T07:03:47Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | B2 - Sonnabulis ]

South Africa is the has the worst infrastructure on the planet. Telkom is doing maintainence on lines after midnight South African time, so I can't get online. I'm really sorry, Sammy. I feel bad for not getting on AIM. The guys at the computer store don't know what the fuck's wrong with YIM. AIM is working of course and so is MSN. But not my computer keeps freezing. I'm going offline for the weekend. It's my mom's birthday. I need a break. I'm getting depressed; I don't even want to get up in the morning. I also made the mistake of watching Final Destination 2 this morning. It depressed me even more. I'll see you next week.

Speaking Out

2004-02-18T03:21:38Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Puddle of Mud - Blurry ]

I debated whether to make this post or not. Did I really care enough? All things considered, I do. And I feel I need to speak out, because this is how I feel.

You've all seen the marriage is love campaign. I see many LJ users actively participating in favour of San Fransisco's gay marriage rights. I see praise, and that's good and well, but those who dare speak the opposing argument are flamed and labelled "homophobic". This is disturbing.

Support for gay marriage rights is considered a demonstration of an open mind, acceptance, and anti-hate. There is a fundamental flaw in this. The "equality" is becoming as one-sided as those who are homophobic. It has become unacceptable to oppose gay rights marriage, even when their arguments are valid and educated. Is this not also unfair? The reason I ask is because, having studied journalism, and appreciating objectivity (as difficult as it is), I see a trend of complete subjectivity emerging here.

Granted, this cause is not one close to my heart, for the simple reason that I am not gay, nor concerned with love or marriage. These are things I'm not familiar with, but I am familiar with the importance of freedom of speech; debating both sides of an argument.

For example, in the US the KKK openly wear their "White Pride" T-shirts and engage in rascist propoganda speech. This is their First Amendment right. As much as I hate to admit it, these people have and will not be doing anything wrong apart from voicing their opinion. Unless they turn to violence.

And that's the crux of the matter. Do all "homophobic" people who voice their dissention over gay marriage rights because of faith or personal choice hate those who have a different concept of gender? Do all "homophobes" resort to violence? No. Yet they are labelled homophobic and have been told they must hate gay people if they oppose progress in the gay community.

Gay marriage in South Africa is illegal. It's not a crime, but when I say illegal I mean the state does not recognise a union between two men or two women in a court of law. Instead they have the same rights as a common law husband or wife. This has been challenged in the Constitutional Court, the highest court in our country. It has been dismissed twice. I can't speak for the US, because I'm not familiar with their law system, but the point I'm trying to make is: don't dismiss an anti gay rights marriage argument or person who opposes it as homophobic. That's tantamount to hate speech in itself and very subjective.

You may and probably will disagree with the above argument, but since we're all human we're never going to coexist in harmony. Never. So we may as well agree to disagree.

edit
Only eaten a tomato so far today. Contained 25 calories, 5 grams of carbs and 0 grams fat. Am most proud of myself. justasong_bird is my thinspiration, and it's also her birthday, so go wish her something special.

edit2
Was somewhat creative today. Made this. See, if I put my mind to it, I can make myself believe elves aren't the most wretched of Middle-earth creatures...second only to orcs.

Randomness

2004-02-17T05:44:18Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Kylie Minogue - Red Blooded Woman ]

ThePalantirOfGondor: just watched my lotr dvd :)
legolasgurl112: cool
ThePalantirOfGondor: yeah, those 30 extra minutes are awesome
tricky_leprechaun: what do they consist of?
tricky_leprechaun: as if the movie wasnt already long enough
ThePalantirOfGondor: man, the new scenes add a lot to it
cookie_of_doom: liar
cookie_of_doom: 30 minutes of the hobbits masturbating doesn't "add" anything
ThePalantirOfGondor: ok, i'm lying
ThePalantirOfGondor: it's all hobbit porn

Randomness courtesy of bash.org

edit
I'm thinking of becoming a mortician.

Itoshii Shito

2004-02-16T09:51:44Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Artful Dodger - Moving Too Fast ]

LOTR doujinshi icons. Kawaii, ne?! ^_^ Hahaha. It had to be done by someone. May as well be me.

I just received word via the news that Bad Brad (Bradford Wood), one of the housemates in South Africa's first Big Brother, is running for president. HAHAHAHAHA! That guy is an asshat. He was the fourth person voted out, even I picked up the phone and cast my vote. The dude's an ex-cop who got kicked out of the security industry because he's got a nasty temper. What a moron. Ah, good times. We go to the polls in mid April. The run up to elections is hilarious.

More evidence that the internet can be a scary place. I think I'll stick with porn thanks.

edit
Pulp Rings Part 2 (continued from Part 1)

Two elderly fellows arrive at a Tower, recently abandoned by what can only described as evil things. Don't let their youthful appearance fool you. They carry their ages well. The one is an Elf and the other, a Dwarf. The unlikely pair are saddled upon a '74 Fourth Age elvish horse. LEGOLAS rides shotgun, and GIMLI's stocky figure sits behind.

LEGOLAS: What was Lothlórien like?

GIMLI: It's the little differences, laddie. The same shite as the rest of Middle-earth, but time works differently there, so it interfers with the little things.

LEGOLAS [curious]: Such as?

GIMLI: Well, in Lórien there's this Lady who gives you stuff. Free stuff. If she likes you. If she doesn't, she'll have her Elves give you a swift arrow-head in the right direction. But if she takes a fancy to you, she'll give you...You know what cram is?

LEGOLAS: Vomit-inducing Dwarvish waybread?

GIMLI [grumbles a "fucking elf humour"]: Well in Lórien they call it lembas.

LEGOLAS: They don't call it cram?

GIMLI: No, laddie, they got the First Age Quenya system there. Not as rustic as your lot in Mirkwood, they wouldn't know what the fuck cram was.

LEGOLAS: Well what do they call a Quarter Pounder with cram?

GIMLI: Tyuruminë mi lembas.

LEGOLAS: What do they call a Big Elf?

GIMLI [shrugging]: A Big Elf is a Big Elf, but they call it Alatquendë.

LEGOLAS: What about an Oakenshield?

GIMLI: I wouldn't know, laddie. They don't have Cram King in Lórien.

They climb off the horse and LEGOLAs and GIMLI reach for their weapons. LEGOLAs loads his .45 arrow-heads and cocks his bow. GIMLI choses a double-bladed axe, recently sharpened. They strap each other into chain mail and breastplates.

LEGOLAS: Do we really need all this? Should be knife-work up there.

GIMLI: How many are there?

LEGOLAS: Three or four.

GIMLI: Counting our hobbit?

LEGOLAS: I'm not sure.

GIMLI: So there could be five?

LEGOLAS: It's possible, but I can't feel anything draw near.

GIMLI: We should have brought a fucking army from the Lonely Mountain.

Legolas and Gimli, walk through the courtyard of what was once a low-cost orc housing development. Their shit is everywhere.

GIMLI: What's her name?

LEGOLAS [already uncomfortable]: Arwen.

GIMLI: How did Aragorn and meet the Evenstar?

LEGOLAS: He was orphaned. Her father practically raised him. The two fell in love.

GIMLI: An Elf marrying a Man? [Gimli chuckles] What did she have to do? Give up the immortal life? [laughing hysterically]

LEGOLAS [dead-pan]: She did, actually.

They enter the Tower of Cirith Ungol, stepping over orc skeletons in various states of decay. The property value really dropped after Sauron was destroyed. They begin to climb the stairs.

LEGOLAS: You remember Figwit? One of Elrond's Elves, never says a word but gets his own fanbase for no particular reason.

GIMLI: Perhaps. Nancy motherfucker right?

LEGOLAS [irritated]: I wouldn't go so far as to call the brother nancy. He's got an effeminate side, but he's not gay. He's got long hair. What's an Elf to do?

GIMLI [grunting]: I think I know who you mean. Well what about him, laddie?

LEGOLAS: Well, Aragorn fucked his arse up good. The word around Minas Tirith is it was on account of Aragorn's queen.

The two begin to climb the stairs.

GIMLI: What'd he do, laddie, ravish her?

LEGOLAS: Of course not! Nothing so vulgar and immoral! He gave her an ear massage.

GIMLI: An ear massage? That was it?

Legolas nods.

GIMLI: What did the King do?

LEGOLAS: He sent a couple of Guards of the Citadel over to Rivendell. They took him out on the patio of Elrond's library, threw his arse over the balcony. Poor bugger fell into the garden and hit his head on a rock. They say that's why he doesn't speak so much as two words anymore.

LEGOLAS and GIMLI reach the penthouse floor of Cirith Ungol.

GIMLI [insincerely]: That's a shame.

The Elf and Dwarf arrive at the door. The sign reads "Holy Eye House of Pain", beside which someone has scratched the words "Gorbag loves Shelob".

LEGOLAS: What time is it?

GIMLI: Early, but it's always dark this close to Mordor.

LEGOLAS: What's her name again?

GIMLI: Arwen. Laddie, why are you so interested in the Elfstone's wife?

LEGOLAS: Aragorn is going into battle in Harad and while he's gone, he wants me to take care of Arwen.

GIMLI: Take care of her? [makes a cutting motion across his throat with his stubby finger]

LEGOLAS: Not like that! Take her out. Show her a good time. Don't let her get lonely in the Houses of Healing.

GIMLI [laughing skeptically]: You'll be taking Arwen Evenstar out on a date?

LEGOLAS: It isn't a date, you short stupid little man. It's like when you and your friend's wife go out on the Long Lake. It's just good company. I'm not going be a bad Elf.

GIMLI [shaking his head]: That queen's going to kill more Elves than Morgoth.

LEGOLAS: What was that?

GIMLI: Nevermind, laddie.

LEGOLAs: What did you say?

GIMLI: I didn't say shite. Let's lop some heads off.

LEGOLAS: First I want you to repeat what you said.

GIMLI: That door is going to creak open in a few moments, so get your Elf-self together.

LEGOLAS: I am together.

The dead bolt on the door flips open, out onto the dank floor where LEGOLAS and GIMLI are standing. With the Holy Eye House of Pain are three young hobbits who look miserably in over their curly heads. They sit at a torture table, pieces of cram laid out before them.

GIMLI: Hello, laddies!

TO BE CONTINUED

Hahaha. I've noticed an insane amount of people go from hating Billy Boyd's gf to loving her in a really short period of time. Why do people feel the need to kiss Allie's ass all of a sudden? Just say it. She looks like a chipmunk with cheek implants. Billy looks happy and that's nice, but that doesn't change the fact that I think she looks like a rodent on botox. She's had some work done. Or maybe I watch too much Extreme Makeover.

Stolen from eisdamme

What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
Fluffychickentayness.mp3 by Hanson

What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
I don't like the fridge. Or food.

What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Dreamcatcher

If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Everything everyone's ever had done on Extreme Makeover, probably. I hate the way I look.

Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Monkeys, paracetamol, food

What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
I start pull out strands of hair.

Are you a pyromaniac?
No

Do you have too many love interests?
So yeah, moving along...

Do you know anyone famous?
I can't think right now. Probably not. No.

Describe your bed:
Single. Black fitted sheet. Reversable light and dark blueberry checked duvet. Three navy blue pillows. One denim throw cushion. Has drawers. I've had the same bed since I was 3.

Spontaneous or plan?
I plan spontaneously.

Who should play you in a movie about your life?
Christina Ricci

Do you know how to play poker?
Yes

What do you carry with you at all times?
Cigarettes, a lighter, aspirin.

What do you miss most about being little?
The world was a lot bigger. If you know what I mean. I used to look at the mountains surrounding our valley and really wonder about all the secrets in their gorges and what was behind them. Now they're just giant rocks.

Are you happy with your given name?
Yes

How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
In dollars or South African rand?

What color is your bedroom?
Cornflower and blueberry blue.

What was the last song you were listening to?
Madonna - Vogue

Have you ever been in a play?
Yeah. I was Cinderella in Cinderella, and Tybalt in Romeo and Juliet.

Who is your best friend?
The next cigarette to come out of the pack.

Have you ever been in love?
No, just lustful.

Do you talk a lot?
Only if I have something to say.

Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Fuck no

Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
Depends on my mood, but I've come to an agreement with the bums who raid our trash cans. As long as they don't make a mess, they can have whatever they want.

Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
No

Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
I prefer my own company, thanks.

What is your ideal marriage location?
Uh-huh

Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Uilien pipes

Favorite fabric?
Chiffon

Something you love and hate?
I love cigarettes. I hate people.

What kind of bedding do you use?
I think I covered this already.

Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
Yes

What's the one language you want to learn?
Arabic

How do you eat an apple?
Bite by bite, each one chewed 30 times. Chances are I won't though; the fuckers contain 80 calories.

What do you order at a bar?
Vodka. Straight up.

Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Yes

Do you have tattoos?
No

Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery any kind if confronted?
Yes

What's one of the "funniest" things you've ever done?
Broke out of a psychiatric hospital. I thought it was funny as fuck.

Do you drive stick?
Occasionally

What's one trait you hate in a person?
Ignorance

What kind of watch(es) do you wear?
A cheap one I picked up in a second-hand store.

Most frivolous purchase?
I don't make frivolous purchases.

Do you consider yourself materialistic?
Very

What do you cook the best?
I don't cook.

Favorite writing instrument?
Keyboard

Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
I'd prefer to stand out for all the right reasons. The chemical imbalance in my brain makes me blend in for all the wrong ones.

Do you have anything monogrammed?
No

Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Yes. I wanted to wear a suit to my prom and have my date wear a dress.

What's one car you will never buy?
An unroadworthy one. I can't be picky otherwise. I live in a country where cars are priced at 180 000 rand, and that's just for starters.

What kind of books do you like to read?
Tom Robbins

If you won the lottery, what would you do?
Spend it selfishly. I've got no time for charities.

Burial or cremation?
Burial

How many online journals do you read regularly?
A lot

What's one thing you're a sore loser at?
Life

If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
I use their name and the words fuckingpieceofshitmuthafucka quite frequently in a sentence. I sign them up for free porn or distribute their email address to unsavoury types. I wish they'd die.

Do you cry in front of friends?
Yes

What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
Sick, sad, fucked up, disturbing, creative genious, cynical, stupid

What's one thing you like to do alone?
Everything

Are you a giver or a taker?
Balanced

What have you stolen before?
Money and prescription painkillers

When's the last time you cried?
Today

Favorite communication method?
Face to face. I'm confrontational like that.

How many drinks before you're tipsy?
2 or 3 mixed ones

Favorite kind of porn?
The soft stupid kind. Internet porn ain't bad either once you get used to it.

Do you ever have to beg?
I'd sooner burn in Hell. Oh wait, I'm going to anyway.

How often do you have sex?
Once a year, if I'm that lucky.

Have you ever done any illegal drugs?
No

Do you think you're cute?
No

Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
No

What's the most painful experience you've ever had?
Life and I just keep living.

I Don't Know What To Say

2004-02-15T09:43:16Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Howard Shore - The Return of The King ]

I'm hurt. I'm angry. I don't know why. I've met many people online over the years. arrewen, llama_face and motato I've known the longest. We're very different people, but not one of them has ever distanced themselves from me in such a way as this.

I feel affronted by mresundance who I knew as solanestel. She commented on my journal a little while back and deleted that comment. I friended her, because I enjoy her writing and I wanted to keep up to date. I popped in again today and found this message.

Cara: I know I left a comment in your journal a few weeks ago, and then deleted it. I mostly just wanted to say "hi" and say "glad you're still with us". I deleted it because I had second thoughts (I'm a fickle brat sometimes, forgive me :( ). Forgive me, too, if I don't (in fact won't) friend you in return. It's not really anything personal against you. Mostly, you come from a part of my life that I've decided to separate myself from entirely to some degree; I realized it would be better for my emotional health that way. Take care though.

It hurt. It didn't seem sincere at all. She gave no explanation. I can't reply because her comments are set to friends-only, but I did email her about it. I would just like to know why in all honesty, no bullshit. For me, when something like that is posted, it creates more questions than are answered.

/edit

mresundance's response to my email...

Cara,
I will be honest with you, because you deserve that.

Yeah, the lj post was sort of bullshit. I held back because I knew other people were reading, and I really didn't want them to think badly of you (even if you wouldn't care, I would).

You're right, I wouldn't and don't care. You probably knew this, which makes it very difficult for me to believe you were holding back for that reason.

The truth is, I've just come out of dealing with a lot of shit, like my sexual orientation and my gender identity (that is, I don't feel totally female - if you want more of the story, I'd be glad to tell it, but that's not the point of this email right now); I was actually deeply depressed and suicidal at some points.I needed an almost total break from a lot of things from my "past-life", so I could heal, recover, and just feel better about who I am. Part of this was getting away from my old livejournal.

I accept that. It's a very valid point. Of course, recovery involves confronting old demons. Otherwise you'll never fully be able to heal. I know this from personal experience.

Frankly, I just can't do certain things anymore. I just can't be around certain people. And though you're an interesting, intelligent person, I can't be around you for long because you're depressed. It brings me down. And it actually really scares me, because there are some places I do not want to go back to - and because I just see you hurting, and not knowing always how to deal with it well.

I know that's not very compassionate, and I kind of "led you on", unfairly, by commenting in your journal and then deleting it. I was hoping you hadn't noticed it :(. A very cowardly thing to do, but I did it.

My LJ is set to email comments. I don't miss a thing.

Also cowardly was leaving the note in my journal, and then not giving you space to speak. It was rude too, and I felt like a dick afterwards, even before I got this email (and, admittedly, peeked in on your journal).

I know I'm sorry never cuts it, but I am, and you deserve better.

I really don't know what else to say. I'm torn because I do want to keep up, and see that you're doing ok, but I also don't want to go back to feeling depressed and worthless. And that's basically my problem, and I haven't exactly dealt with it well, or honestly.

Don't feel torn. That's guilt and indecision. Once again, you can make the choice. Do or do not.

Additionally, I decided to delete the post in my lj, because it was equally bullshity in some ways. Honestly, I'm having issues dealing with having lj friends period, mostly because am not interested in being Mr/Ms. popular, and don't have time to read x amount of journals. It feels unfair to friend people simply because they friended me when I'm not really going to read their journal. And I have issues with "who do I let read this post" sort of thing too.

Do you really believe I keep a journal expecting ass-kissing comments? No. Many of my posts are disturbing. I don't bitch or whine when I get two comments on a depressing post. I will continue to post them until the cows come home, whether or not anyone else gives a rat's ass, or replies. Or doesn't. My journal is not friends-only for this simple reason. I am not ashamed of what I post. I am honest about myself. I have nothing to hide. Today was a good day. Today was a bad day. Let the trolls and any enemies I may have roll on in. Despite all the shit in my life, I've learned not to care for it.

I'm sorry again :'(

Followed by a second email...

How do you tell someone you care about them, but maybe it's best that you went on your separate ways?

Well don't start something you can't finish. Don't bullshit. Don't even hint at bullshitting. Just make a post a comment in my journal with an honest explanation. You can even delete it afterwards, because it'll be safe in my inbox away from prying eyes.

How do you tell a friend who's dug a hole too deep even for you, that I you can't get her out, and you can't stand to watch her keep digging? That maybe you'd be tempted to start digging yourself if you kept watching her?

Well one of the most important things I've learnt in my life is Choice. God's gift to human beings. I believe in God. I believe in this. I made the choice to dig the hole, but at the same time you can make the choice to start digging yourself. I do not ask to be dug out of this hole. I go for therapy once a week - sometimes twice - depending on my therapist's schedule. I even see a psychiatrist. I have chosen to seek professional help. This choice was not forced upon me. I made it. And I'm very proud of myself for making it.

I posted earlier, where I wrote some blah about the friend's list thingy and restricting comment access and then left a note for a friend of mine who has friended me, but I haven't friended in return (I have done that to more than one person, which sounds rude, but I didn't feel the need to friend them back). We had a history from my old journal, you see, and part of my refusal to friend her is just me trying to break from some things in my life that weren't healthy.

Anyways, I left her a note, wondering after if I should have. Knowing her, she would get offended by this, thinking it was her fault or something (which, in some ways it is and isn't - mostly, I just want to keep away from her because she's not always very healthy person for me to be around).

Your opinion of me is my fault? Don't you make your own choices in life?

Well, she emailed me in response:

I don't know what to say. I'm not supposed to take it personally, I know, but you said "not really anything personal against you"..."not really" and opposed to "nothing". I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, because I got a job and I didn't spend a whole lotta time online. I'm not going to just drop this, because this kinda thing really does bother me. That's just me. I'd like complete and utter honesty, no matter how that makes me feel. Am I too fucked up? Is that it? Correct me if I've misinterpreted this whole thing. You didn't even give me the change to reply...

If I offended you I would really like to know.

Needless to say, I felt really bad and ended up deleting the earlier post and writing her back.

On one hand, I love her snarky sense of humor, her creative imagination. There's something about her that is beautiful and astounding in so many ways, and I like hearing from her sometimes. But then she has this very dangerous penchant for self-destruction that does bother me. I hate to see someone hurting themselves like she does.

Sadly, I'd have to say: get used to it. The world is a nasty place. Maybe it's because I studied journalism and I have a pretty defined sense of realism, despite my love for LOTR. I still know what's real and what's not. People do stupid, destructive, nasty, inhumane things to themselves and each other each and every day. It's not going to get better. That's not in human nature. It's only going to get worse.

I had this sort of savior complex feeling arise out of this too, like "Oooh, I should do the compassionate thing and help her. Maybe she'll get better." But I seriously can't do anything for her unless she starts to do work to help herself.

I've said it a hundred times, but I'll make it clear now...I do not want anyone else to do anything for me, nor do I ask, because I have made the choice myself to seek professional help.

You have somewhat justifiable reasons and after considering all you've said I can appreciate them. But you made the mistake of bullshitting me, thinking I'd miss it. Or that it could be remedied. If you had been honest from the onset, I would've thought differently of the whole matter. But it can't. Goodbye mresundance. I consider the matter closed.

I Love My Winamp Skins

2004-02-15T07:20:51Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Hanz Zimmer - Skull and Crossbones ]

I got approved to run the official Winamp skins fanlisting. I lost out on b2 but one out of two ain't bad. Now I just need to hear if I got approved for the Tupac and Biggie collaboration. This has put me in much better spirits.

More Hateful Memoirs

2004-02-15T03:50:14Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Carl Orff - O Fortuna ]

I hate myself. I went to the party, and it felt good to celebrate the 21 years of someone else's life. But I fucked up. Champagne and wine were bad choices, so to prevent myself spending the night throwing up in the bathroom, I made myself at home at the bar. The barmaid and I know one another from the bank I used to work in, because she did the catering there, and it was nice to talk to someone I actually knew. I was going to order a single vodka, straight up. That's how I like it. But the chef walks in and tells me about his second and third personalities, and how a shot of tequila without the lime and salt, brings them out. So I go for tequila, followed by a triple vodka straight up. And guys can see a drunk girl coming from a mile off...

Enter Chrisjan, a blond Afrikaans stereotype of macho-jock-beer-guzzling-idiocy. He just pulls up a chair and starts talking the biggest load of shit on the planet. Fair enough, he was honest when he said his hobby is chatting up complete strangers. But when he started playing 20 Questions I knew this was going to get weird. He assumed (wrongly) than all girls like a sweet and sensitive guy who's interested in them. Not me. When a complete stranger starts asking me what are my physical fears as opposed to my "spiritual" fears, I get worried. I told him straight out that I don't usually discuss those things with complete strangers. I don't know what to say. Plus I'm speaking in Afrikaans, so as good as my command of that language is, it's not as easy to explain myself.

Besides, I'm quite happy to sit by myself, nursing my drink. I don't need a whole lot of people around me, and a lot of people don't understand this. They always assume something is wrong and that they're obliged to "cheer me up". I like watching other people interacting and having their fun. That's me. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Assimilating others' emotions and actions is part of who I am, because with BPD I don't have any clear definition of myself. I don't know who I am. None of my offline friends know I've been diagnosed with this. Explaining it is difficult for most psychiatrists, so I doubt I'd fair any better.

Anyway Chrisjan wants to talk shit. Fine by me. I do the "Ohmygod!" and "Really? I can't believe that!" routine. But by that time the booze is really starting to kick in, and the shit doesn't sound so bad above the music (which was so fucking awesome by the way). Everyone's dancing with their partners. Now I do not dance with a partner. I took ballet and modern dance. I don't know how to dance with someone else. Anyway, I'm feeling confident enough to try it at least and Chrisjan and I dance a couple of songs. I'm not too steady on my feet and every time I get dipped I screech with laughter. So not to make a complete utter asshat of myself, I go outside for a smoke. Chrisjan follows. One thing leads to another and we end up making out. Stupid, eh?

I'm so disgusted with myself. Not only did I engage in sexual activity with a complete stranger, but I drove home drunk. I hate myself. I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of hiding all this shit from my family. I'm tired of being fucked up. But I'm more scared of confronting it all, because it's safer when you're stuck in your ways.

shirefolk_ sent me this. It made the better part of my day. Thanks, Teesh :)

miss_brandybuck, I'm working on the manips!

The Day Before Valentine's

2004-02-13T11:30:30Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Busta Rhymes - Light Your Ass On Fire ]

Friday the 13th was a luck-filled day for me!

I am utterly speechless. eisdamme just did something I would usually expect on my birthday. And it's not even my birthday. She bought me a 2 month Livejournal paid account! I am stoked beyond belief! I really don't know what to say...I've seen other people experience such things from strangers, but it's the first time for me. And I'm surprised and happy and feeling very humbled. Is that odd?

Listed to Dominic Monaghan on Loveline. Fuck, that dude is sexually perverse. He'll fit right into that nice, tight masochistic outfit I had picked out. I'm a little disappointed that he had to take Viagra. My sister doesn't think that's something he should've told the whole world. I'm inclined to agree.

Apparently the blue prints of Microsoft's Windows software was leaked onto the net. Microsoft is telling all Windows users not to panic because only the most advanced computer programmers can understand it. Uh-uh. What about hackers? Or anyone after complete and utter world domination? I won't worry about it too much, although it does concern me. It was an inside job, of course. But aside from that, Microsoft's monopoly has finally come back to bite it on the ass. I think I see the people at Apple mooning us... More here

And can someone please explain the meaning of "asshat". Is it the same as asshole?

I can't get on AIM or MSN. I don't know why. They've started crashing like YIM. It's not a virus; my computer's clean. I tried reinstalling everything but it doesn't work. Has this happened to anyone else?

Pulp Rings

2004-02-12T07:16:05Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Tupac feat. Biggie - Runnin' (Dying To Live) ]

Oh. My. God. This has to be the most fucking retarded site I've ever seen. It's basically a site that lists all the movies with any and every bad thing ever said and done in any movie ever released. Phrases like "what's up, doc?" are considered bad. This must've been made for freaky-ass Christian parents who are seriously anal rententive. You think Looney Tunes gets a bad rating. You should see movies like Bad Boys 2 and LOTR. Apparently Gollum is a bad influence because he's almost nude. Oh my God! And isn't "maggot" just the rudest word. The hobbits drink ale and smoke. They're such bad role models for kids. And don't even get me started on the violence. Hahaha. Gave me a good laugh.

Join Melima, a fanlisting for me (yes, you all love me so much) by the wonderfulsexycoolundeniablyduderockinfantasticamazing shirefolk_. Go now. Join. This offer expires in ... Never! Haha.

Check out twohobbitears new domain sweet-charade.org; is loveliness :)

rosiegalbasi and I were chatting about this last night on AIM. I tried it with Fight Club, but it didn't work, so I did a LOTR/Pulp Fiction crossover. Hopefully it works this time. It's been edited, but the plot is mostly the same. It probably won't make any sense unless you've read the books and maybe The Silmarillion.

Warning: bad language.

Props to Tarantino.

PULP RINGS
EPILOGUE

At the Green Dragon, an inn in the Shire. It's early, but the patrons are enjoying pipe-weed and an ale. Two of them are Hobbits; Merry and Pippin.

MERRY: Pippin, no, it's a bad idea. I'm through doing that shit.

PIPPIN: You always say that, the same thing every time: I'm too full, never again, I'm through, too dangerous. I can wait for afternoon tea.

MERRY: I know that's what I always say. I'm always right too.

PIPPIN: But you forget about it in an hour or so when you get hungry again.

MERRY: The days of me over-eating are over, and the days of me eating just three balanced meals is beginning.

PIPPIN: When you say that, do you know who you sound like?

MERRY: I sound like a sensible fucking hobbit, that's what!

PIPPIN: You sound like a Sackville-Baggins! Lobelia more like it.

MERRY: Fuck you, Pip. After today, you won't ever have to hear it from me again.

PIPPIN [winking]: After today.

The two hobbits laugh.

The waitress, ROSIE, comes by with ale meant for another table.

ROSIE: Can I get anyone a pint?

PIPPIN: It comes in pints? I'm getting one!

Rosie brings Pippin his pint. Merry fills his pipe with weed.

MERRY: The way it is now in the Shire, you're taking the same fucking risk as when you steal from Farmer Maggot. Fields are easier! Farmers don't stop you during your raid, unless they're out and about inspecting the cabbages. I heard about this lad who walked up to a farmhouse with a bag of potatoes, handed it to the farmer and told him he'd wrestled it from some other poor bugger raiding the field. The farmer grabbed his pitch-fork and took off after him.

PIPPIN: Did it work?

MERRY: Of course it worked! The lad walked right into the farmer's field and raided the lot: radishes, cabbages, carrots, you name it!

PIPPIN: Did the other lad get hurt?

MERRY: There wasn't any other lad, you idiot. The thief just said that so the farmer would run off and leave him to clean out the crop. The point of the story is he stole the goods by telling a simple lie to a gullible farmer.

PIPPIN: You want to raid veggie patches?

MERRY: I'm not saying I want to, I'm just pointing out that if we did, it would be easier than what we've been doing.

PIPPIN: So you don't want to be a veggie thief?

MERRY: All those lads are walking the same road, either skewered on a pitch-fork or serving twenty in the Lockholes.

PIPPIN: And no more Prancing Ponies?

MERRY: Barliman's franchise has too many foreigners now. Elves, Dwarves, they can't fucking understand Common Speech. You tell them: "Empty out your pantries," and they don't know what it fucking means. If we waste our time explaining, one of them is going to get killed.

PIPPIN [shocked]: I've never killed anyone, Merry.

MERRY: Neither have I, and I don't want kill anyone. But they'll probably put us in a situation where it's us or them - pulling out an axe or a bow or something. They can shoot or throw those. It's not like a sword, where you have to be close to the enemy. We should lie and see how far it gets.

PIPPIN: What else is there to go to get plenty of food?

Merry calls to Rosie

MERRY: Hanuhín! More ale!

PIPPIN [suddenly understanding]: You mean this place?

Rosie brings Merry a pint.

ROSIE [miffed]: "Hanuhín" means boy in Quenya.

She stalks off.

PIPPIN: But this is an inn, Merry.

MERRY: Not exactly. It's more like a pub. They don't let people spend the night here, but they do serve light meals. People never rob pubs. They go for farmlands and inns. And you get a pointy object shoved up your arse for the trouble! Pubs on the other hand...No one's expecting it. Or, not as expecting anyway.

PIPPIN: I bet in places like this you could cut down on the brave and stupid factor. I mean, it is the Shire. We're Hobbits! We don't like to think about adventuerous things.

MERRY: Except you and me. And none of these stupid Bolgers and Boffins, Chubbs, Grubbs and Hornblowers will want to be skewered on the owner's account.

Pippin glances around the pub, considering Merry's flawed yet perfect idea. Everybody's going about their business, ordering drinks, laughing, back-slapping. He smiles.

PIPPIN [licking his lips]: That's clever, Merry. I'm ready. What pub are we going to steal from first?

MERRY [looking miffed at Pip's stupidity]: This one, stupid.

PIPPIN: The Green Dragon?

MERRY: Yes. And remember, same as before, you keep an eye on the customers and I'll do the talking.

PIPPIN [brightly]: All right!

They both take out their bejeweled Barrowdown blades and lay them on the table. They look at each other.

PIPPIN: I'm hungry, Merry.

MERRY: Me, too, Pip.

And with that, Merry and Pippin grab their short swords and stand up to rob the Green Dragon of its fresh produce. Merry is professional and charmingly controlled. Pippin is a nervous idiot.

MERRY: Everybody remain calm, this is a robbery!

PIPPIN: Any of you move, I'll - I'll - Merry, what am I going to do again?

MERRY [eyeballing Pippin]: If anyone moves, he's going to stab every motherfucking one of you!

TO BE CONTINUED

/edit
Painkillers knocked me out yesterday and I slept for 11 hours. Had a dream. Now to other people that won't seem weird. But for once I remembered it. And it was scary. My memory of it has faded a little, but it was still so touching and scary.

I knew two Leanne's in elementary school. Both in the same class. We all took dancing, so that's how I kept in touch with them in high school. They were in my dream last night as "guardians" and "interpreters" for Frodo and Sam. The hobbits couldn't speak, so they used these two girls who were very ethereal. Think the childlike Empress from Neverending Story. They were following me around a place I don't think I can begin to describe. I wish I could take a picture of it. Anyway you'd have to live in South Africa to appreciate it. The scenery was cliffy and dark. A whole lotta heavy cloud on a windless day. But not cold. Only very, very quiet. And you know when you get the feeling someone is watching you? And it's not friendly?

Well the Leanne's were armed with semi-automatic assault rifles. At one point I was taken "hostage" by them, although it was willingly. I think I knew something about Frodo and Sam. They looked so sad all the time, like ghosts of themselves. Towards the end of my ordeal they escorted me away, out the place I was in. And I thought they were going to shoot me. I remember wondering how I was going to get out of being shot, but I started running. The others ran after me, but I got away by scaling a fence and nearly falling off a cliff. When I looked back the Leanne's disappeared. Them and Frodo and Sam were whipped up by the wind, and just vanished. And then, behind them, I saw some nasties. Black Riders and whatnot, except they didn't look like that exactly. And they were evil. Not just a movie-I-can't-really-feel-how-evil-they-are kind of evil. I was really scared. Like the scared I feel every time I watch Poltergeist or Event Horizon or Signs (yes, those movies still scare the shit outta me).

I realised then that Frodo and Sam were trying to give me a message all along. They weren't trying to kill me. Those guns were there for my protection. Those evil things had killed them, and they wanted someone to know the truth. Merry and Pippin were standing across the road when I turned away from the creatures, with the same sad ghostly expressions. It was too freaky, but it evoked a great deal of sadness in me. And the fact that I remembered it so vividly this morning was a huge bonus.

I need to invent a device that screen caps dreams. Sponsor me! ;)

A fan applied for membership at Stylismo and in the textbox Fanbase uses for comments, she typed this: "Would...Sblomie be a real nickname? What a weirdo.." I had such a fucking laugh! Cracked me right up. I love Dom's nickname. It makes no fucking sense and I think of oral sex every time I hear it, but ah, I love him.

Sean Astin
1. Sky is Falling
2. Icebreaker
3. Deterrence
4. Kimberly
5. Dish Dogs
6. Boy Meets Girl
7. Bulworth
8. Courage Under Fire
9. The Low Life
10. Safe Passage
11. Rudy
12. Where The Day Takes You
13. Encino Man
14. The Willies
15. Toy Soldiers
16. Mempis Belle
17. The War of the Roses
18. Staying Together
19. Like Father, Like Son
20. White Water Summer
21. The Goonies

Sean Bean
22. The Big Empty
23. Equilibrium
24. Tom & Thomas
25. Don't Say A Word
26. Essex Boys
27. Bravo Two Zero
28. The Canterbury Tales
29. Ronin
30. Airborne
31. Anna Karenina
32. GoldenEye
33. Black Beauty
34. Shopping
35. Patriot Games
36. In the Border Country
37. Prince
38. The Field
39. Windprints
40. How to Get Ahead in Advertising
41. War Requiem
42. Caravaggio
43. Stormy Monday
44. Winter Flight

Cate Blanchett
45. The Missing
46. Coffee and Cigarettes
47. Veronica Guerin
48. Bandits
49. The Talented Mr. Ripley
50. Pushing Tin
51. An Ideal Husband
52. Elizabeth
53. Oscar and Lucinda
54. The Wedding Party
55. Paradise Road
56. Parklands
57. Police Rescue

Orlando Bloom
58. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
59. Black Hawk Down
60. Wilde

Billy Boyd
61. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
62. Julie and the Cadillacs
63. Urban Ghost Story
64. The Soldier's Leap

Dom Monaghan
65. Insomniac's Nightmare

Viggo Mortensen
66. 28 Days
67. A Walk on the Moon
68. Psycho
69. A Perfect Murder
70. G.I. Jane
71. Vanishing Point
72. Daylight
73. The Portrait of a Lady
74. Albino Alligator
75. The Passion of the Darkly Noon
76. Gimlet
77. The Prophecy
78. Black Velvet Pantsuit
79. Crimson Tide
80. American Yakuza
81. The Crew
82. Desert Lunch
83. Floundering
84. The Young Americans
85. Carlito's Way
86. Ruby Cairo
87. Boiling Point
88. The Indian Runner
89. Tripwire
90. The Reflecting Skin
91. Young Guns II
92. Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
93. Prison
94. Fresh Horses
95. Salvation!
96. Witness

Miranda Otto
97. Danny Deckchair
98. Julie Walking Home
99. Doctor Sleep
100. Human Nature
101. What Lies Beneath
102. Kin
103. The Thin Red Line
104. In the Winter Dark
105. Dead Letter Office
106. Doing Time for Patsy Cline
107. True Love and Chaos
108. The Well
109. Love Serenade
110. Sex is a Four Letter Word
111. The Nostradamus Kid
112. The Last Days of Chez Nous
113. The Girl Who Came Late
114. The 13th Floor
115. Initiation
116. Emma's War

Liv Tyler
117. One Night at McCool's
118. Dr. T & the Women
119. Onegin
120. Cookie's Fortune
121. Plunkett & Macleane
122. Armageddon
123. U-Turn
124. Inventing the Abbotts
125. That Thing You Do!
126. Stealing Beauty
127. Empire Records
128. Heavy
129. Silent Fall

Karl Urban
130. Ghost Ship
131. The Price of Milk
132. The Irrefutable Truth About Demons
133. Amazon High
134. Via Satellite
135. Heaven
136. Chunuk Bair

David Wenham
137. Basilisk Stare
138. Gettin' Square
139. Pure
140. Crocodile Hunter: The Collison Course
141. Dust
142. The Bank
143. Moulin Rouge
144. Russian Doll
145. Better Than Sex
146. Molokai: The Story of Father Damien
147. A Little Bit of Soul
148. Dark City
149. The Boys
150. Idiot Box
151. Cosi
152. Gino
153. No Escape
154. Greenkeeping
155. Seeing Red

Elijah Wood
156. Spy Kids 3-D:Game Over
157. All I Want
158. Ash Wednesday
159 Chain of Fools
160. The Bumblebee Flies Away
161. Black and White
162. The Faculty
163. Deep Impact
164. The Ice Storm
165. Flipper
166. The War
167. North
168. The Good Son
169. The Adventures of Huck Finn
170. Forever Young
171. Radio Flyer
172. Paradise
173. Avalon
174. Internal Affairs
175. Back to the Future Part II

My sister is hilarious. I phoned her to find out what time I should pick her up from varsity. So she said I should leave an hour later, because she wants the dude installing her new computer to explain to her how it works. LMAO.

Who is your bitter-sweet hobbit actor Valentine? by elfsheen
Username
Age
Virgin?
Your sweetheart is:	Dominic Monaghan
He...	tells you to pack your bags for a luxury two-week safari in Kenya with him
You...	get suspicious

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Haha. Love sucks.

SQUEEEEEEEE!!

2004-02-11T16:48:56Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Dido - White Flag ]

Teesh (shirefolk_) is without a doubt the coolest person in the world. She's just done the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. And I don't know what to say just yet. I'm still a little emotional about it.

She created a fanlisting for me...Melima. I'm going to die now...:)

/edit
I am on AIM NOW for certain people. Get your asses online!

So I chatted with rosiegalbasi and llama_face. Kendall, you just logged off. Did I offend you? Was I boring? If so I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude or anything...

And shirefolk_, MSN should be up by tonight with a new screen name.

Elijahwood

2004-02-11T00:03:09Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Madonna - Hollywood ]

Everybody comes to

For you shirefolk_ because you rock!

Wee! twohobbitears and I will be creating a Billy Boyd site directory. We rock, too. So there. That is all. For now.

/edit

From rosiegalbasi

1: Lied? Yes
2: Stolen? Yes
3: Betrayed a friend? Yes
4: Smoked a cigarette? Yes
5: Smoked a cigar? No
6: Smoked weed? No
7: Drunk? Yes
8: Cheat in a test? Yes
9: Cheated someone? No
10: Used someone? Yes
11: Ran away from school? No
12: Played sick to skip school? Yes
13: Said the F word? Fuck yes
14: Done the F sign with your finger? Yes
15: Said the word Shit? Shit yeah
16: Played Poker? Yes
17: Gambled on something? Yes
18: Hit somebody? Yes
19: Destroy your class or school in a way? No
20: Shouted in someone’s face? Yes
21: Told someone you hated him/her? Yes
22: Ignored someone? Yes
23: Made fun of someone? Yes
24: Hurt a pet or an animal? No
25: Made any sexual behavior? Yes
26: Told a secret of your friend? No
27: Painted the public walls with spray paint? No
28: Made a fire in a garbage can in the street? No
29: Broke the glass or headlights of a car? Yes, by accident. Parking in an SUV is not easy. Especially when you've only had your license for 8 hours.
30: Gave the owner of a restaurant a hard time? Yes
31: Raised your voice on your Mom? Yes
32: Raised your voice on your Dad? Yes
33: Raised your voice on your teacher? Yes
34: Disobeyed your Mom? Yes
35: Disobeyed your Dad? Yes
36: Disobeyed your teacher? Yes
37: Ran away from home? Yes, but I only got as far as the sidewalk
38: Tried to kill yourself? Yes, and counting
39: Tried to kill someone else? No
40: Used your computer for bad things? Yes
41: Used the TV to watch bad things? Yes
42: Watched movies for 18+ year-olds? Yes, and it was porn
43: Taped these R rated movies? No
44: Used your money to buy these kinds of movies? No
45: Seen bad pictures? Yes
46: Buy or sell these bad pictures? No
47: Said a bad word to a family member? Yes
48: Hated or cursed the country you were born in? Yes
49: Blamed or cursed life? Yes.
50: Blamed or cursed God or religion? Yes

WTF Communities

2004-02-09T21:19:17Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Sean Astin - The Grammies ]

I am not responsible for any offensive or age-restricted material you may find in these communities.

inside_out_. You have to see these hypocrits for yourself.
hentai_bliss. Why would you masturbate over an animated character who is being gang-raped I don't know. Pornographic warning.
bare_nekkid. Habitual sex offenders and future pedophiles I'm sure, because these people post cam pics of their erections and boobs, and reply with descriptive jackoffs. Pornographic warning.
meateaters. While I have no beef (excuse the pun) with omnivores (me being vegan), I still don't see why you'd devote an entire post to the graphic slaughter of a rabbit and add animals rights communities to your friends list.
gwb_daily. Republicans supporting Bush's re-election. Need I say more?
_fucking_bored. LOTR apparently, but not one post. I wonder why...
fat_rejection. Now I'm proana and I do have a problem with obese people, but that's just fucking ridiculous.

Livejournal Spam

2004-02-09T17:09:09Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Deep Forest - While The Earth Sleeps ]

Why the hell do people make off-topic posts in communities? Couldn't you just post your shit in your journal? Is it really that important that we read about Dominic Monaghan in a Billy Boyd community?

And the best part is these people still say "I know it's not [insert subject of said community] but I just had to share". And then it turns out to be icons, one part [insert subject of said community] and two parts something else.

/edit
Do not troll my friends. Bad fucking idea. Literally. Treated an especially sad one's email address to an adult chat room. Ten freaks applied for the dirty offer. Hope the troll likes her inbox from now on.

The Hills Are Alive With The Sounds of Billeh

2004-02-09T02:59:57Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Billy Boyd - Somewhere Beyond The Sea ]

Create your own Billy Boyd album by elfsheen
Username
What is the title?	Under The Kilt
What genre of music is on it?	Acid jazz and other types of elevator music
Who produced it?	Madonna
How many copies will it sell?	10 million in the US alone
It won 5:	MTV Video Music Awards
Billy says:	If it wasn't for Kazaa, I would never have got this much exposure.

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Musicmusicmusic. Howard Shore won a Grammy for Best Score Soundtrack Album For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media. More at ToRN. Outkast won 3, and Sean Astin was there. So that makes me happy. My only real disappointment was not seeing Janet Jackson's other pierced nipple.

/edit
elfsheenicons

Oh look kids!

How would you spend a freaky-ass day with Sean Astin in LA? by elfsheen
Username
Firstly, how do you know each other?	We slept together
Sean suggests you two spend your day:	shooting up crack-cocaine at his brother's place
But instead you two:	make anonymous threatening calls to the Academy about the 2004 Best Actor nominees
Sean thinks:	he'll go back to his wife now
In response, you say:	I miss my crack-cocaine about now

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Ripped from quiet_moments

Do you believe...

In God?: Yes
In ghosts?: No
In aliens?: No
In Bigfoot?: No
In makeup?: Yes
In faeries?: No
In ESP?: No
In superstition?: Only an "Unlucky Nelson" in cricket; don't let your feet touch the ground on 111 or one of the batsmen will be hit/run/lbw out
In equal rights for gays?: Yes
In equal rights for women?: Yes
In psychics?: Yes
In appearance?: Yes; it's everything
In auras?: No
In true love?: Maybe
In happy endings?: No
In abortions?: Yes
In Santa?: No
In soulmates?: No
In magic?: No
In cloning?: No
In fraggles?: I don't know what that is, so no, I don't believe in it.
In werewolfs?: No
In vampires?: No
In miracles?: No
In existing thylacines?: Maybe (it's a Tasmanian wolf believed to be extinct). The coelacanth and quagga were two creatures native to South Africa believed extinct. Coelacanth was rediscovered off our coast in 1937 and the quagga has been rebred.
In nessie?: No, whatever Billy says about getting bitten on the ass.
In existing dinosaurs?: Yes. I speak on the crocodile's behalf.
In intteracial marriages?: Yes. That's a dumb question. Fuck rascists.
In adoptions?: Yes
In saving the rainforests?: Yes
In saving dying species?: Maybe. Dinosaurs were a dying species, but they weren't meant to be saved.
In the human race?: Fuck no. Earth is the fucking trailer park of the universe. If there was life in our solar system it moved to a cleaner, safer, crack and human free suburb 2 million years ago.
In recycling?: Yes. I do it every week. Thank you Mr Monaghan.
In blue tigers?: No
In tattoos?: Maybe
In plastic surgery?: Yes
In love in general? Maybe
In animal rights?: Maybe. I'm a vegan. I was an activist at varisity with PETA. But really animals were meant to be eaten by other animals, and humans are animals. Not abused though. You don't see a cheetah raping or beating the shit out of a wildebeast before it eats it.
In the death penalty?: Fry the fuckers.

And if you didn't already know, South Africans don't have snow days. We have sweat days and such; too hot to go to school. Today was one. 40C (104F). Tomorrow it will be 43C (110F). Eeg.

I Got Chemistry

2004-02-08T05:59:21Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Four Strings - Summer Sun ]

So I scored in the fanlisting categories tonight. Not only did I adopt the official Donald Sutherland fanlisting, but I may also get approved for the Runnin (Dying To Live) song by Tupac/Biggie! Yayness!

And people are actually taking my Billy memegen? Wow. 211 hits. Hahaha. I shall endeavour to make more! And try it out yourself; loads of time-wasting fun and quite easy.

Hands are trembling. Heart palpatations, clocked pulse at 140. Skin is crawling. Dude, I only took eight Xenadrines. I've done this before and never felt "sick" like this. My stomach hurts, so I'm guessing it's the ulcers bleeding again. Busy distilling the codeine from the aspirins. The closest drug store was closed, so I had to buy some Anadin from the 7/11. Didn't bother with cough syrup, they only had natural stuff. And then I forgot the coffee filters, so I'll have to use tissue paper. I have to get to Stellenbosch and purchase some coke. Seriously. This is something I've been trying to get hold of for the past year.

Did you know you could snort codeine for more intense results? God, I hope I get fluoxetine tomorrow. I'm going to snort.

Hahahaha! I almost got hit by a car in the parking lot, because I didn't look where I was walking. That's the second time this week. Hahaha! I feel so numb! :D

/edit
Codeine tastes like shit when distilled from aspirin. And the high is over pretty quickly. Feeling really depressed now, and am cutting again. To think I've been reduced to a petty prescription junkie. I probably will book myself into rehab tomorrow. I can't go on like this. I want to cry, but I don't know what there is to cry about. I want to live, but there's nothing worth living for. I've always joked that I'll self-destruct before 25, but the more I think about it the more it seems a reality. My psychiatrist told me flat out the other day that I'm committing suicide, slowly. She's right. I dunno. Maybe I need a break from everything. Or to try and learn to do things in moderation. It's pathetic, but I can't manage both my on- and offline lives so well anymore. There's just too much stuff.

Consider this a hiatus. For a while. Until I get my fucking self sorted out. Goodbye and take care of yourselves in the mean time.

rosiegalbasi and loopybunny pulled my socks up for me ;)

/edit
You know I really fucking hate it when I get slighted in someone else's journal just because I'm sharing my own thoughts and feelings with someone on my friends list because I've connected with them in some way. Obviously mysterylady314 did not bother to read a single post I have made in my journal to gain a little insight into my life, perhaps. I'm just another "whoever you are", another fucked up person who doesn't fit into the neat little categorised world of hers. If she'd ever bothered to try and understand people like me, she would realise that counselling does involve sharing your past and present experiences with that particular problem with people who suffer the same way. Yes, I'm pissed. None of us are fucking perfect. You know if any one of the people on my friends list has a problem with my posts or comments, then you can delete me or simply ignore me. I honestly don't keep a journal expecting sympathy for the kinds of things I post about. They're dark and they make people uncomfortable. They are also a part of my life, along with many other happy posts about cricket, LOTR, odd and humorous events of a pretty average day, my cat, music, icons and whatnot.

My Life As A House, Toaster, Screenplay, Icon, What?!

2004-02-07T18:09:45Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Tupac feat. Biggie - Runnin (Dying To Live) ]

I was in an honest and unapologising mood.
15 years ago
1. I was 6 and a half
2. I went into therapy for the first time
3. I was overweight
4. I started ballet and modern dance
5. I got my first and only pet, a cat named Lucky, who's still with me today

10 Years Ago:
1. I met the computer for the first time. It was DOS operated with screaming orange and lime-green text. It was love at first sight.
2. I was placed in a psychiatric hospital for the first time
3. I discovered cricket
4. I wrote my first fanfic. Jurassic Park/Ellie Sattler were my inspiration. I still write JP/Ellie Sattler fanfic to this day, and Laura Dern with forever be my favourite actress.
5. I fell in love with Mulder, Scully and the CSM. I am proud to say I have never missed an episode of XF in my entire life.

5 Years Ago:
1. Attended a magnet school for the first time
2. Was kept back a year because I failed the academic entrance exam; I only got in because of sport and dance
3. I devoted my life to athletics, cricket and dance
4. I hated everything and everyone except athletics, cricket and dance
5. I got my own computer and internet access, and started web design

3 Years Ago:
1. I got heavily addicted to LOTR
2. I graduated high school
3. I made the national Taekwondo team and got a martial arts scholarship to YU. I quit after breaking my neck in a tournament and never took up the sport again. Incidentally also the biggest disappointment and regret in my life.
4. Engaged in heavy petting for the first time
5. My mom pulled a gun on my dad and my parents got a messy divorce

1 Year Ago:
1. I started cutting, smoking, drinking and starving
2. I started road-running and became a vegan
3. I ODed on painkillers and alcohol, and was hospitalised for substance abuse twice
4. I "dropped out" of university after a few incidents involving my bad beahviour. The truth is I was asked to leave.
5. I had sex for the first time with a guy called Janco. I only dated him because he looked like Karl Urban. Sad, eh?

Yesterday, I:
1. I smoked 3 packs of cigarettes
2. I thought about killing myself
3. I listened to "Runnin (Dying To Live)" by Tupac on repeat for over 16 hours
3. I hated my mother
5. I drank too much and longed for aspirin, Myprodol and anti-depressants

Today, I:
1. Watched 28 Days
2. Have smoked 1 pack of cigarettes so far
3. Plan on making more Valentine's Day icons and an icon journal
4. Plan on drinking until I throw up
5. Was inspired by justasong_bird

Tomorrow:
1. I have a joint appointment with my psychologist and psychiatrist about meds and entering rehab
2. I plan to start a 72 hour fast
3. I'm going to buy a bottle of vodka
4. I will try to find employment
5. I'll make more icons

5 Games I Like:
1. Lost In The Desert (invented by me and my sister when we were very young and still played to this day - remind me to explain the rules b/c it's loads of fun)
2. Cricket
3. Rugby
4. Soccer
5. Golf

I don't like computer or board games. Sport is more fun.

5 Things I'd Buy With $10,000:
1. ASDL and a long healthy subscription to a reliable ISP
2. A plain ticket to all the places my online friends live so I can meet them in person
3. CDs
4. A life-time's supply of Benson & Hedges Menthol Mild cigarettes
5. Any piece of clothing Dominic Monaghan has worn in the last 4 years

Top 5 Musicians according to your immediate mood:
1. Tupac Shakur
2. DMX
3. Black By Nature
4. Kelly Rowland
5. Crazy Town

3 Bad Habits I Have:
1. Cutting
2. Smoking
3. Nail-biting

Interests at the moment:
1. Celebrity media
2. Run up to the South African and US presidential elections
3. Making icons
4. What Schedule 2 (over-the-counter) drugs contain codeine
5. Proanorexia

3 TV Shows I Like:
1. Survivor
2. Whose Line Is It Anyway?
3. Oprah

3 Places I've Lived:
1. Durban, KwaZulu-Natal
2. Cape Town, Western Cape
3. Paarl, Western Cape
4. -

My Top 3 Biggest Worries at the Moment:
1. Money (lack thereof)
2. What I'm going to do with the life I don't have
3. My weight

My Top 5 Biggest Joys at the Moment:
1. "Runnin (Dying To Live)" by Tupac feat. Biggie.mp3
2. Dominic Monaghan
3. Making icons
4. music
5. cigarettes

I'm kind of hoping others will participate. I discovered a few things about myself while doing that.

Now leave if you agree that you are not older than 18, or offended by drugs.

And our topic today, kids, is codeine.

What it is
A painkiller. Basically. But so much more!

What it does
The body converts codeine to morphine and kills your pain, sending you fine style high. 90% gets metabolized through the liver at first, so by the time it hits your brain (15min later), hello euphoria!

Note: The body contains natural painkillers called endomorphines, excreted by the pituary gland in the brain (same place adrenaline comes from). In fact adrenaline and endomorphines go hand in hand. Runners experience it as "runner's high" and anorexics experience it with hunger pains. That is, by the way, why anorexia can be addictive.

Availability
By presciption in most US states. OTC in Canada and South Africa, as long it has at least two other active ingredients: acetaminophen and aspirin. This makes it easier to get hold of, because most painkillers contain synthetic codeine (produced via the methylation of morphine). All drugs containing caffeine and/or aspirin guarantees you codeine.

You can extract the raw form from aspirin, pep pills (amphetamines) and diet pills like Stackers, ephedra and ephedrine. Lucky me. Simply take an 1g of aspirin (20 pills) in 100ml of water. You may want to crush them; not all pill contain water-insoluble fillers. Heat to 31C. Cool to 15C in ice water, stirring continuously. Filter the solution with coffee filters (that's all I have anyway) for about half an hour. When that's done make sure there aren't any solids in the solution and drink and enjoy! You may want to add Kool-aid though. Very bitter.

Contra-indications, side-effects and OD
Don't mess around with MAO-inhibitors while on this shit. And I've been on anti-depressants most of my life. Nothing should be administered with MAO-inhibitors. It either kills your high or kills you. Codeine's not fatal except in doses of 800mg or more, but chances are the acetaminophen and aspirin will kill your first.

Yes, aspirin is dangerous and it's been banned in Ireland. 20 or more pills will increase your heart-rate. I've clocked mine at 200. You also go completely deaf.

I can't wait to try this out! God bless the internet.

I'm Such A Wigga

2004-02-06T13:33:53Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Tupac feat. Biggie - Runnin' (Dyin' To Live) ]

OK so I'm more black than Michael Jackson and I don't know many white people who like black music, but go download my current music now. Produced by Eminem. This track fucking owns my ass.

Ripped from llama_face (may masturbation never find you in a classroom)

PORN STAR ALIAS [First Pet's Name + Street You Grew Up On]:
Lucky Jan Phillips

EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS [Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot]:
Safron Mozambique

SOCIALITE ALIAS [Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied]:
Gopsel Grahamstown (gopsel is an Afrikaans word meaning "spoon")

"FLY GIRL" ALIAS [First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of Your Last Name]:
C Saa

DIVA ALIAS [Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen]:
Chocolate Bleach

GIRL DETECTIVE ALIAS [Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Last Went To School]:
Pony Paarl

SOAP OPERA ALIAS [Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived]:
Janet Glenwood

And it's really none of my fucking business, but I'm going to say what's been on my mind for about eight weeks now. Dominic Monaghan is anorexic. As someone who does this to herself, I can see when others are doing it. You can argue with me if you want, but I'm sticking to my opinion. He's starting to look sick, and he's trying very very hard to hide it.

/edit

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

6.

LOTR Valentine's icons in this post.

Comment and credit if you take.

what LOTR actor will you be issued a restraining order from? by ebonyeyeliner
your name
actor	Billy Boyd
reason for restraining order	camped outside their house
how far you must stay away from said actor	locked in a padded room
response actor gave to reporters	"no she doesnt have my child!"

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

who is you LOTR soulmate by Lijah_lover
Name
Age
Your soulmate is......	Sean Astin

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Computer Geekdom

2004-02-06T09:00:36Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Deep Forest - While The Earth Sleeps ]

Look, Cara!

A brief history of you and Billy Boyd by elfsheen
Username
Age
How do you meet?	You share a city cab
What were you doing?	Yelling at him
How long does it last?	Long enough for you to see his "Monster" and leave
How does it end?	You're just glad it's over

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Your Lord of the Rings Vacation by dr_fabulous
Username
Favourite colour
Lucky day
You spend your holiday with	David Wenham
Where?	The Greek islands
You spend your days	Painting and taking photos
... and your nights	Pub crawling

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

I'm busy writing my first PHP script for a Billeh site I'm working on. Now loopybunny and twohobbitears need not worry. It's not going to be a fansite, fanlising, clique, directory, or any of the afore-mentioned. In fact, as far as I know, this will be the most original concept in actor site history. Which explains why I have to come up with my own script. It's not as easy as it looks, though Sasha has been such an inspiration to me.

Although I've considered starting a Billy directory. The Dominic one didn't work out. Already done. And I can't fucking stand unoriginality. But it takes it out of you. I honestly don't know where people find the time to create such stunningly original sites so quickly. Maybe it's because I'm South African. Technology and time move about 100 years slower down in this neck of the woods. I know no South Africans online. I even got suspicious when a fan joined Stylismo and listed their country as South Africa. I still don't believe her. Maybe she just wanted to be different.

There's a competition on the radio. I could win a trip to the Oscars. I won't enter of course, because I never fucking win anything, but it's nice to know that I could've tried if I'd had any inclination.

So I found my ripped copies of the LOTR movies. Now my fucking codecs won't work, so that rules out screencapping, which pisses me off because I've got this really funny idea for a Gollum mini-movie icon. Downloaded Windows Media Player 9. Still not working. Strange thing is the DivX 3.11 Alpha worked before my motherboard went bust. I'm re-downloading it now, hoping that will work. All my other media files work fine. In fact the soundtrack comes through perfectly on TTT, I just don't get the video feed. I've tried adjusting the video accerlation, but that's not working either. Scratch that. The new DivX patch didn't work. I'm downloaded 4.5.1 now and my version 5 download is almost complete. Fuck this shit. It'd better fucking work. I'm starting to wonder if it didn't have anything to do with the drivers that came with my old AMD. And now I got shitty Pentium. Stupid screen never froze before. Oh wait, nevermind, v 4.5.1 works. Yay! Now I can watch and screen cap. Now I just need to download ROTK. It's going to take me 16 hours on dial-up. Eeg. Nevermind. Will rather engage in shady deal on street corner with stranger who might be a member of customs, and thus an anti-piracy cop. South Africa is rife with piracy. They're considering banning the sale of legal DVDs. Haha. Fuck them. I'll just buy my shit online.

Watched Dom on Kilborn again :)

I'll be back with icon overkill, now leaving you with these.

Ranting, Because As Usual I Am Annoyed

2004-02-06T06:05:54Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Obsession - Vampire ]

I'm annoyed. I need a new layout here. I need a new layout on all my sites. I want a Billy one, and I'm most envious of llama_face's Astin one. Give me some ideas! I hate all my fucking layouts. Every time I visit a website (a good domain or hosted one), I get so fucking jealous. Argh! I can't fucking compete! And don't tell me it's not about competing, because my whole life is a competition. I don't know how not to be competive.

View the pretties. I make a good icon, at least.

And for fuck's sake America, put Janet Jackon's boob to rest! The entire fucking world is laughing about it, and there's a bank clerk in TN who wants to sue Janet and JT for over $1 billion for "offending" her with spontaneous tittage. If that doesn't get thrown out of court, Iraq should've won the war. Yeah, I'm being political. Having a mood swing here.

Haha. I'm listening to Obsession. They're like the South African version of the Backstreet Boys, and I fucking love them.

Domikins and The Billeh Strike Again

2004-02-05T11:37:43Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Enya - Epona ]

I must see Kill Bill! If it's the last thing I do! Uma...Mmmm...

Stylismo got the Valentine's Day treatment. Go love Dominic's fashion sense. And write your own fashionable encounter with Dominic.
One day while I was out shopping for a Burberry scarf at Walmart, I spotted a very pimpin Dominic Monaghan shopping for boxer shorts to wear to the Troy premiere. I asked him what he thought of my choice and he said it was nasty. I was baked, but Dom offered to help. He invited me to the phone booth where he showed me how to dress (or undress). The fashionable end.</a>

Props to twohobbitears for distributing the image that resulted in this tasteless creation.

I watched something on Discovery about bush babies in Madagascar a while back. It stuck with me; or their huge bug eyes stuck with me anyway. All Dominic's recent talk about the environment inspired this ...

CREDIT if you take; x-posted @ bboyd, boyd_daily, hobbit_icons and lotricons

So socialite and internet porn star Paris Hilton is going to host Miss America, owned by Donald Trump. He said she'd be great for ratings. Gee. I wonder why...

And I just finished downloading and listening to the Pandamoniumofamerica album. I fucking hate it. Especially Maybe. Elijah should just shut the fuck up from now on. Dominic is better, of course, but only mildly. And Half-fling is not amusing after listening to it more than once. I can think of a 100 other songs I could've wasted my time downloading.

Viggo: I'm Danish. Isn't dat vyrd?

Important announcement for shirefolk_!
Teesh, get your ass over to this site a.s.a.p! It's got galleries that might just put Bag End Inn to shame!

From billyanddomsluv

Choose one or the other:
1. Elijah's eyes or Billy's eyes: Eliajh's
2. Dom or Billy: Dom
3. Viggo or Orlando: Viggo
4. Elijah or Sean Astin: Sean
5. Dom's smile or Billy's smile: Dom's
6. (Frodo & Sam) or (Merry & Pippin): Merry & Pippin (as long as it's none of that slash crap)
7. Legolas or Aragorn: Aragorn
8. FOTR, TTT or ROTK (movie): ROTK
9. FOTR, TTT or ROTK (book): TTT
10. hobbit feet or elf ears: hobbit ears
11. elves, hobbits, or dwarves: hobbits
12. Rivendell, Mirkwood or Lothlorien: Rivendell
13. Gandalf or Saruman: Gandalf
14. Arwen, Galadriel, Rosie or Eowyn: Eowyn
15. Nazgul or The Ents: Ents
16. Into The West, May It Be or Steward Of Gondor: Steward Of Gondor
17. Gollum or Grima: Gollum
18. King Theoden or Denethor: Theoden
19. Minas Tirith or Minas Morgul: Minas Morgul
20. FOTR commentary or TTT commentary: FOTR
21. Elijah's butt or Dom's butt: Dom's
22. Haldir or Elrond: Elrond
23. Eomer or Faramir: Eomer
24. Gondor or Rohan: Rohan
25. (Aragorn & Arwen) or (Eowyn & Faramir): Aragorn & Eowyn

That was easy.

Consummatum Est

2004-02-04T09:58:25Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Howard Shore - The Grey Havens ]

Twilight and Shadow; go join.

/edit
So I just finished watching ONLY THE BEST FUCKING CRICKET MATCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! South Africa vs West Indies. Final ODI. We lead the series. If they win, they go home with a draw. If we win, well we kick their ass. So Lara and his boys won the toss. We go in to bat. Looks hopeless. Kallis smacks a couple of 4s and 6s. Gets 153 before getting caught out. Then it comes down to 60 runs required off 48 balls. Nail-biting fucking stuff! I've chewed off all my nails. Eventually it was 10 required off 10. Then they take 2 wickets. Bye-bye Rudolph and and Kluesner. Boucher and Pollock come in to bat. They suck ass. Pollock doesn't get a chance until its 1 required off 3. They wait 5 minutes, both teams, preparing for the final showdown. Pollock is up. He hits a 6. Straight up and over. We win by 6 runs with 4 wickets in hand.

I was so anxious, I started crying on 303/5. Literally, I broke down crying. I smoked my ass off and yelled and screamed and swore a lot (but not as much as when I watch rugby).

So yay! We won the series. The Windies go home empty-handed. Our boys are getting on a plane to NZ. We're gonna kick some ass over there.

Best fucking cricket game EVER!

My apologies to those whose countries weren't colonized by Queen Victoria.

Random Thoughts In The Wee Hours

2004-02-03T15:57:08Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Howard Shore - The Grey Havens ]

/edit
From twohobbitears and let's have some fun!

1. Leave a comment saying you want to be interviewed
2. I'll respond and ask you 5 questions
3. Update your journal with my 5 questions and your 5 answers
4. Include this explanation.
5. Ask other people 5 questions when they want to be interviewed
6. Optional: you can ask me 5 questions, too.

/edit

Finally downloaded the last of the essential PS brushes. Still looking for the Carpenter ICG and Vivaldi fonts. Found acclaimimages.com. Excellent FREE stock photo galleries.

You know what irriates me about reinstalling Microsoft Office? The dictionary that no longer recognises words associated with Tolkien's vocabularly.

Eeg. And my period is back. I haven't had it in a couple of months because I haven't been eating enough. This is not good. I'm getting fat again. Must endeavour to fast harder.

And can you believe the price of petrol in South Africa went up by 30c a litre! WTF?! Now we're paying over R4 to a litre. Stupid fucking war in Iraq.

Why you MUST see Kimberly
Sean Astin butt naked. Sean Astin saying "fuckfuckfuck" and "tits". Sean Astin aiming a shotgun. Sean Astin beer-funneling. Sean Astin drunk. Sean Astin howling at the moon. Sean Astin wearing nothing but a towel while making a vow before the River God using the Holy Oar of Truth and Justice. Sean Astin trying to sell stock. Sean Astin speaking Spanish badly. Sean Astin knitting. Sean Astin and his mom, Patty Duke. But basically, see it for Sean Astin. His character's name is "Bob". He's a goofy jock who can't grow up. He just wants to fuck girls, grab their boobs, drink beer, and watch baseball. He also has 24358975 alarm clocks in his room.

Why you should NOT see Peter Pan
See it only for Jason Isaccs's manly hairy chest. Apart from him the movie was a huge disappointment. Jeremy Sumpter is irritating. That Wendy lady is even worse and I snored through the supporting cast's performances. Go rent Hook instead. And Dustin Hoffman was a better Hook.

So I watched the premiere of Survivor: Pearl Islands. Kept having visions of Cap'n Jack Sparrow popping up and swaggering around making drunken Tourett's hand movements. Heard Hans Zimmer more than once. Drake rocks; Morgan does not. Can't remember his name, but the dude who helps disturbed teens...I hope he wins. That annoying shitforbrainsfullofhimselfasshole lawyer Andrew must get voted off quickly.

From accio

1)Spell your name with bands
Crazy Town
Aerosmith
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Ataris
2) Have you ever had a song written about you? No
3) What song makes you cry? No Coincidence - Kelly Rowland
4) What song makes you happy? No Coincidence - Kelly Rowland
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? ROTK soundtrack

2)
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'1"
HAIR COLOR: black red, dyed of course
SKIN COLOR: pale
EYE COLOR: hazel
PIERCINGS: three
TATTOOS: none

r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOUR TROUSERS ARE YOU WEARING?: slate grey
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Will and Elizabath - POTC soundtrack
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: English tea
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE? humid
HOW ARE YOU? fine thanks, how are you?

d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: no
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: nailbiting, cutting, smoking, drinking, starving, popping pills, etc
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: no
LIKE TO DRIVE?: yes

l o v e
BOYFRIEND: no
GIRLFRIEND: no
SEXUALITY: asexual
CHILDREN: no, thank you
CURRENT CRUSH: Dominic Monaghan, Frodo Baggins, sad eh?
BEEN IN LOVE?: no
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: no
BEEN HURT?: no
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: yes

YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: TTT soundtrack, ROTK soundtrack, POTC soundtrack
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: white; no one uses you...they just leave you in the box
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: cigarettes, music, Photoshop, therapy, cutting, my online friends
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: BBN: The Return
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: accio, arrewen, itzel, llama_face and shirefolk_. Don't get offended if you're not listed; I just don't connect with you that closely yet.

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: yesterday
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: two or three years ago
YOU GOT E-MAIL: today
THING YOU PURCHASED: today, cigarettes and Coke
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: Special Assignment at 09:50pm
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: yesterday, Peter Pan

y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: pro
TEENAGE SMOKING: whatever makes you cough dude
SPICEGIRLS: small things amuse small minds

Which LOTR Guy Will Give You A Fab Birthday Gift? by DarkRose
Name
Birthdate
Favorite Color
Who Gives You The Gift	Dom and Billy joint gift
What They Give You	Tickets to a ManU game
Estimated Value	$2,378

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Better Spirits

2004-02-03T08:38:36Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Hans Zimmer - Will and Elizabeth ]

And I don't mean alcohol.

Drove to Cape Town today to help my sister move into her new residence at UCT. My mom insisted she could find the campus without a map and my sister, sitting up front, was not too helpful considering her excitement levels. Someone was clever enough to be reading the map during the whole fiasco of chancing inner-city traffic in the morning. Hah. Go me. I got us there without getting lost, and my mom and sister both agreed that without my intuitive GPS they'd still be lost. Well, at least I know I'm good for navigating.

So my sister is staying on upper campus, nestled right at the foot of Table Mountain. She's staying in Carinus College, which houses all the med students. She got to pick her own room. Go figure she picked one that involves taking an elevator (that looks like a morgue elevator), climbing two flights of stairs, going through a maze of corridors, and then down and up more stairs. Plus she brought the whole house and guess who got to carry all the boxes. Hah. Me.

My mom didn't know the way back and the inner-city traffic was making her nervous, so I drove us home. All in all, I think I did about 3 straight hours of driving today. My ass aches.

Spotted something strange. My mom had to run into an antique store while we were in Cape Town, so I volunteered to stay in the car and mind my own business. I parked opposite a Pharmacy, and in the window they had an ad for hair care products. I kid you not; someone had enlarged and printed out this Dom pic. LMAO. That made my day.

Another thing made my day. My mom's birthday is coming up this month and she heard from a friend about this resturant at a place called Spier. Very beautiful little country-side wine estate about 15 minutes from where I live. Guess what? They reinvented Lothlórien in South Africa! They built platforms in the trees and puts in dinner tables! They even built the winding stairs to get to them! Apparently when you arrive at your table there's a woman dressed as an Elf who asks you to rinse your hands in a Galadriel-fountain-thingy! Squeeeee! You have to book well in advance, so we're making reservations tomorrow! I'm going to see Elves, Mr Frodo!

So I've reinstalled all my old software, evertyhing from Adobe to Winamp. I'm slowly downloading all my PS brushes and fonts. In fact there're only two fonts I can't get hold of, since I downloaded them ages ago and now they're commercial. If anyone has Carpenter and Vivaldi on their computer and would like to help a poor bum out, I'd appreciate it :) Also spent the last 48 hours at Bag End Inn, rebuilding my LOTR image collection. I started in 1999. So it's a lot to catch up on. Thank God all my sites were online. I can just download them via FTP :) And all my icons were hosted at Andúnië! Huzzah! And I was rummaging through my software this morning and I found a couple of CDs. Didn't know what was on them and when I checked, it was all my mp3s and LOTR media clips! I did make backups! OK, so the more recent clips ... from about the last two months obviously weren't on there ... but 90% of my stuff is still there. I can't listen to any of it though. The assholes at the computer store fucked up my soundcard nice and good. My computer tells me there is no soundcard onboard. Stupidpieceofcrapmuthafucka. Also I no longer have a beloved AMD processor. My graphics intensive stuff hates me. And while my AMD never froze, this stupid Pentium does. Nice thing about the monitor is it can go right up to 1600x1200 now. Mwahaha. So things aren't all that bad. Except for being broke and still without a job.

Survivor Pearl Islands starts on South African TV sets tonight. Woohoo! <3 Survivor!

Which LOTR Actor Will Keep You Up At Night? by Diamond
Name
Age
Who	Dom Monaghan
His Annoying Sleeping Habit	Kung Fu kicks you off the bed
You Will Respond By	Kicking him off the bed
How Many Times A Night	7

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Pathetic Random Poetry Generator by PurpleAnkh
Title	No Regrets
Line 1	Noone cares about me at all,
Line 2	Share with me
Line 3	Let me drown in my tears,
Big Finish	Because you're pathetic & sad
Your Name Here

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Why Billy has to be in love with you: by Robogirl
Your LJ name:
Your favorite song:
Your favorite movie:
Your compatibilty:	95
When he will realize his eternal love:	August 16, 2005
Where he will confess his love:	At a Mc Donald's drive-thru.
How your first kiss will be:	rough.
How many years your relationship will last:	15

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Your future occupation by meteoric
Your name
Your future occupation	President
Yearly income	$164,038
Hours per week you work	42
Education	Up to 4 years of college

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

LOTR Man-bitch by _allsystemsgo
Username:
Name:
Age:
Man-bitch:	Dominic Monaghan

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Shoot Me Now, Twice In The Head

2004-02-02T07:13:37Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong ]

Sorry for being gone so long. I didn't die. My computer did. Literally. My motherboard, CPU and Windows XP were all corrupted through a manufacturer's fault that was two years in the making. The guarantee expired so I can't sue. I just had to buy another computer. Cost me a couple of grand, but I paid for it with my own money. So now I have one.

But that's not the worst part. The worst part is it corrupted all the files and folders. I lost everything; word documents, images, videos, mp3s, PS brushes, software...everything. I'm tempted to start from scratch, but right now I'm in a fuckitall kind of mood. I mean, everything I've ever worked on is gone. It's like a normal person's house burning down, losing all those things that were of more sentimental value than practical. Because the practical stuff can be replaced, like software. The other stuff can't.

My psychologist and psychiatrist are pushing for me to make the move to rehab. I've stopped eating completely, and the only things I've done in the last five days have been drink, cut, read Seabiscuit and watch Peter Pan.

PS: I renamed my new computer My Precious. Because I realised, as sad as it is, I have no life without it.

Too Much TV Makes You A Square

2004-01-27T01:21:44Z

[ mood | ]
[ music | Enrique Eglesias - Addicted ]

Be jealous llama_face, because SEAN ASTIN is on TV tonight in that heart-warming drama called Kimberly. I'm so excited, I can't wait! I've already set up the VCR to record :) He looks so sweet and cuddly and aaaahhhh!

Watched the Golden Globes, too. Dom was fantastic! They all were; I had tears in my eyes. Now for the Oscars...Did anyone listen to Charlize Theron's acceptance speech? "I'm from South Africa". That was brilliant. The whole country was rooting for her :)

Got royally pissed on beer last night. This morning was spent cleaning my room of all the bottles of booze I've had to hide. I wrapped them in newspaper so that when I took the trash out they wouldn't clink. My sister would just ask a whole lot of questions I don't want to answer right now.

Taken from accio

Bold = read; Underline = partially read; italics = want to read/will read in the future!

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien
2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne
8. Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier
15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
19. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
22. Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone, JK Rowling
23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling my fave in the series
24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
26. Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot
28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
30. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen
39. Dune, Frank Herbert
40. Emma, Jane Austen
41. Anne of Green Gables, Lucy Maud Montgomery
42. Watership Down, Richard Adams
43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
46. Animal Farm, George Orwell
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
53. The Stand, Stephen King
54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton
67. The Magus, John Fowles
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
71. Perfume, Patrick Suskind
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl
75. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
78. Ulysses, James Joyce
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
83. Holes, Louis Sachar
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist
90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac
91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
95. Katherine, Anya Seton
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
101. Three Men In A Boat, Jerome K. Jerome
102. Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
103. The Beach, Alex Garland
104. Dracula, Bram Stoker
105. Point Blanc, Anthony Horowitz
106. The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens
107. Stormbreaker, Anthony Horowitz
108. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks
109. The Day Of The Jackal, Frederick Forsyth
110. The Illustrated Mum, Jacqueline Wilson
111. Jude The Obscure, Thomas Hardy
112. The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole
113. The Cruel Sea, Nicholas Monsarrat
114. Les Miserables, Victor Hugo
115. The Mayor Of Casterbridge, Thomas Hardy
116. The Dare Game, Jacqueline Wilson
117. Bad Girls, Jacqueline Wilson
118. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
119. Shogun, James Clavell
120. The Day Of The Triffids, John Wyndham
121. Lola Rose, Jacqueline Wilson
122. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray
123. The Forsyte Saga, John Galsworthy
124. House Of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
125. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
126. Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett
127. Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging, Louise Rennison
128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle
129. Possession, A. S. Byatt
130. The Master And Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
131. The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
132. Danny The Champion Of The World, Roald Dahl
133. East Of Eden, John Steinbeck
134. George's Marvellous Medicine, Roald Dahl
135. Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett
136. The Color Purple, Alice Walker
137. Hogfather, Terry Pratchett
138. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan
139. Girls In Tears, Jacqueline Wilson
140. Sleepovers, Jacqueline Wilson
141. All Quiet On The Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
143. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
144. It, Stephen King
145. James And The Giant Peach, Roald Dahl
146. The Green Mile, Stephen King
147. Papillon, Henri Charriere
148. Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett
149. Master And Commander, Patrick O'Brian
150. Skeleton Key, Anthony Horowitz
151. Soul Music, Terry Pratchett
152. Thief Of Time, Terry Pratchett
153. The Fifth Elephant</n>, Terry Pratchett
154. Atonement, Ian McEwan
155. Secrets, Jacqueline Wilson
156. The Silver Sword, Ian Serraillier
157. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Ken Kesey
158. Heart Of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
159. Kim, Rudyard Kipling
160. Cross Stitch, Diana Gabaldon
161. Moby Dick, Herman Melville
162. River God, Wilbur Smith
163. Sunset Song, Lewis Grassic Gibbon
164. The Shipping News, Annie Proulx
165. The World According To Garp, John Irving
166. Lorna Doone, R. D. Blackmore
167. Girls Out Late, Jacqueline Wilson
168. The Far Pavilions, M. M. Kaye
169. The Witches, Roald Dahl
170. Charlotte's Web, E. B. White
171. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
172. They Used To Play On Grass, Terry Venables and Gordon Williams
173. The Old Man And The Sea, Ernest Hemingway
174. The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco
175. Sophie's World, Jostein Gaarder
176. Dustbin Baby, Jacqueline Wilson
177. Fantastic Mr Fox, Roald Dahl
178. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach
180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery
181. The Suitcase Kid, Jacqueline Wilson
182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens
183. The Power Of One, Bryce Courtenay
184. Silas Marner, George Eliot
185. American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis
186. The Diary Of A Nobody, George and Weedon Grossmith
187. Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh
188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine
189. Heidi, Johanna Spyri
190. Sons And Lovers, D. H. Lawrence
191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
192. Man And Boy, Tony Parsons
193. The Truth, Terry Pratchett
194. The War Of The Worlds, H. G. Wells
195. The Horse Whisperer, Nicholas Evans
196. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry
197. Witches Abroad, Terry Pratchett
198. The Once And Future King, T. H. White
199. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle
200. Flowers In The Attic, Virginia Andrews

catchgirlrach is pure Dominic Monaghan lurvin awesomeness! And I know it sucks to no end, but I managed to do something about my Dominic clique: A Sorta Fairytale.

/edit
Oscar nominations are in...ROTK got these:

Best Picture
Best Director
Best Adapted Screenplay
Best Art Direction
Best Sound Mixing
Best Original Score
Best Original Song
Best Costume
Best Film Editing
Best Make-up
Best Visual Effects

No actor showings makes me very very sad.