If I Were Pope...

If I was the Pope ...(I'd still be offending everyone just like I'm about to - but a whole different crowd of people...don't read on if you're just gonna screech at me by the end for dissing your relijin, awight?)

I wouldn't've picked 'Benedict'. If I were called what he is called I'd pick 'P. Zing', to try and appeal to a younger audience.

I'd change the 'body of christ, blood of christ' to Flying Saucers and Pink Champagne.

I'd ask that everyone refer to God as 'Daddy G', and Jesus as 'The Boy-J, yø'.

The Bible would be renamed 'Daddy's book of oh-noes!'.

I'd tell everyone on April 1st that contraception was great - sex before marriage was better, and gay sex before marriage without contraception was DA BOMB. Then on 2nd April I'd point at everyone and laugh and say 'You're all going to HELL...bwahahahahaha'.

I'd change the Cardinals uniforms into something a bit less...shapeless. And I'd appoint new ones. And if I appointed all the right new ones I'd even still let them all live together ;)

And I'd use St Pete's square for a big love-in for everyone, all races, backgrounds, creeds, colours, sexual persuasions etc. And give out free condoms saying 'The Pope sez only a dope sez nope to a johnny'. For promotion, y'know?

And I'd get a PopeMobile from Porsche. And some fit bodyguards. And I'd whup a lot of ass as I traveled about meeting world leaders.

Any further suggestions welcome.