mist and shadow, cloud and shade

no takebacks

2010-05-25T03:25:50Z

you can't reclaim pieces of your heart once freely given.
but you can reach for the sun anyway, and twist 'round those empty spaces - we grow in unexpected ways, i think, when we let ourselves recover.

spring came a bit late for me this year; but in pruning i'm surprised at how quickly new shoots emerge and quest for light.

there's no clear path forward - but perhaps that's when it's best to listen to the whispers of instinct.

elf @ 2008-10-28T23:58:00

2008-10-29T04:53:20Z

thanks to everyone who has responded to my last entry/current situation with words of comfort, and for all of the offers of advice or support. they are *very* much appreciated, even if i haven't had a chance to tell you so directly yet. when i'm not being selfish or frustrated, i have enough perspective to know that it's my dad (and his soon to be ex-family) that i should be really worried about. i'm just even more helpless in that arena, so i've been venting about the more immediate, and seemingly more easily fixed things.

so, other things, totally not related:

1) when the going gets tough, the tough drive away. i'll be driving to montana over an extended veteran's day weekend. does anyone have suggestions as to what to stop at and marvel at/experience along the way? sadly, much of yellowstone and the tetons are apparently closed during this time of year. i'm looking for anything here - from the world's largest ball of string (where is that, anyway?) to the badlands (already on the list). suggestions for road trip games and time occupiers are also welcomed.

it might have been suggested by my mother that if i sing someone might lop my head off with an axe by the end of the trip. i'm not sure who this statement says the most about.

2) remembrance sushi. given that i will be away, i need to coordinate a little early this year. remembrance sushi will be at yama on the 14th. please let me know if you would like to attend, preferably by next thursday (6th) so i can make the reservation.

on my relationship with lj, etc.

2008-09-08T00:36:23Z

at a party on saturday i was accused of never writing here, which is by-and-large true, save for coordination posts and things that i keep for myself. as catherine noted (at that same event), even when i used to bother to write something here it tended to be rather cryptic anyway.

i admit, i keep my lj these days mostly to keep track of people i care about. there's not a lot of sharing on my end going on. some of that, i think, is due to my feelings of rustiness in the writing department (eg that my prose sucks); some of that is due to my inordinate predilection towards privacy. the more people i know here that i know in real life, the less free i am to write - lj is no longer a vast blackness that is receiving my thoughtlets. with that has also gone the notion that i'll meet kindred spirits through my writing - and the allure of the proverbial brain-in-the-jar intellectual connection bit has all but disappeared. the signal-to-noise ratio on the internet has changed, as has my relationship with it, and that's okay. these are necessary and natural evolutionary steps; things which should be noted, if not necessarily mourned.

there are, of course, other contributing factors: i dislike the fact that lj has been sold to the russians, and that my early adopter status no longer confers the same icon or picture hosting priveleges; the ads on the site annoy the heck out of me and make things less... erudite? pure? romantic? something.

and it doesn't help that i've had a latent distaste for my lj format for at least the last year or so, but have been too lazy to fix it. everything speaks of an older me, who, while still me, is someone i'm a bit far from. while everything is still true to some facet of my former self, were i asked to list out my interests today, they'd be different that those currently captured by lj. given how little time i have, i'm not sure that this is what i want to spend my time fixing. there's that whole path dependency thing, and occasionally i poke at things on the margins. but to make me feel better about lj i really do need a full overhaul. it's just not that high on the priority list.

too, while i've always been a closed person, i've noted of late that the minutae of what i obsess over really isn't all that interesting to my friends anymore. at least the things that i feel prompted to talk about.

i don't talk when i don't feel like i have something in particular to contribute to the conversation; the internet is no different. if it's not pretty or relevant or of interest, why bother? i'm just not moved to speak.

part of me is also coming to terms with the fact that i really just don't have that much to talk about. when i was younger i used writing as a tool to come to terms with things which seemed like major life events; now as we're older things don't test our hearts or souls on so simple a basis. our trials are systemic and endemic, and while an event might trigger some analysis or some deeper thoughts, it's the day to
day trials versus the big DRAMATIC EVENTS of youth which shape us now. different types of formative experiences necessitate different coping mechanisms.

things i've been turning over the most in my head due to prevalence: work, politics, traveling, relationships. and, let's be frank folks, i write about these a lot when i bother to write with few new revelations. and my insights really aren't all that interesting that they warrant more turning over in the public sphere.

on work: most folks aren't interested in my career, and it's generally viewed as annoying when people talk about work all the time anyway, at least on anything more than general terms and meta-observations. i was talking ten year reunion with some close friends last night, and y'know, i guess my career path sounds semi-impressive on paper. i'm on my way, and it's important to me (enough so that it's impacted my relationships and personal life). i still don't feel like i'm doing enough (reference: alison's save-the-world complex). get into stuff beyond that, and the glaze start appearing.

on politics: i don't really see the point in (me) arguing about these right now. i've still got my share of righteous indignation, and more than my fair share of general amazement/disbelief at folks on the other side of the aisle. my first blush reaction to those on the right isn't constructive, and the last eight years have been really, really damaging to my ability to talk about the republicans in any sort of good faith, and my ability to put myself back in those shoes is pretty close to shattered. the dirty secret is this: i'm a former republican, and i have a number of friends who still are. i just find it so frustrating, and so hard to "go there" as part of a conversation which isn't two people arguing past each other, so i avoid it. underneath it all, i've got a small snotty streak of self righteousness from my "i grew up and out of that" experience with republicanism + the fact that i really can't bring myself to see the majority of the republican platform planks as anything other than offensively selfish or patently ridiculous. and that's not helpful or fair to anyone.

and to offend the sensibilities of my otherwise inclined friends: i'm one of those sacreligious liberals who can't bring herself to believe that obama is all that and a bag of chips. i remain an idealist in a lot of ways, and continue to try to act in idealistic ways - but i'm a little short on political hope, and need some other things to get me through the day. don't get me wrong - i'll volunteer for his campaign at some point. but i'm too disillusioned and cynical to be excited by it.

on traveling: traveling still moves me enough to write about it. i just don't do it enough. either the travelling or the taking the time to reflect about it.

and then there's boys.

i'd hate to ever define myself by my relationships with men, but i seem to do an inordinate amount of writing/thinking about it.

i have (at last count) four weddings to attend next year; and in terms of life experiences this can't but help throw into relief that i'm a bit behind the proverbial curve in this aspect of personal development.

i've never lived with someone i was admittedly seeing, never had a relationship last more than a few years.

ant asked me: don't you ever get lonely? and of course i do. but that doesn't mean i'm ready to settle for the first thing that comes around, or the loneliness that happens when you're with someone who is wrong for you. nor do i want to be with someone for whom i'd be those things.

i've got my bravado and my principles. but that doesn't mean it's easy. dating is weird and foreign and hard, and one of those rights of passage i feel like most of the people i'm close to never really went through as adults; not for prolonged periods of time at least, having been lucky enough to find someone they want to spend the rest of their life with at a pretty early age or relatively quickly after entering the scene. as a rule of thumb, tj kids tended to have relationships, not dates (i was no exception). so it's hard to find perspective on this from my peer group.

casual dating, seeing more than one person at a time, physicality without emotion - it's hard to navigate through all this crap when the people you interact with on that level have different value systems and expectations. kissing always used to mean something, you know? and now that we're older, there are more pronounced pitfalls in what people are looking for and needing from relationships, and where they are and where they're going in life.

anyway: i think the point of this entry is that i feel a little broken recordy.
what in the heck did i stay up all night talking with people about in high school, anyway?
i miss that voice, that sense of discovery, and that ability to share. so have a brain dump.

In brief:

2008-07-22T03:28:16Z

1) BT this weekend at Ibiza, 20 ducks. You should come and dance. Will it be ambient, will it be more of his older dancier music? Who knows. But I'm going and I'm dancing and you should come too.

Secondly) I'm back from Costa Rica. It was awesome. I jumped off a bridge and didn't die. More later.

C of all) For those following my seemingly impenetrable career path, I've got a new job starting mid-August. On the face of it it's a non-sensical move, but I'm convinced it's the right one for me right now. In the mean time, I'm sort of working two jobs, which is admittedly a little taxing and is going to cut into that non-existent free time of mine. Again, more later.

IVly) While I wasn't paying attention, both my former (grad school) adviser and cookie monster were on the Colbert report. I should keep up with pop culture better.

elf @ 2008-06-09T23:53:00

2008-06-10T03:55:10Z

sometimes, when you don't use it for too long, your voice gets rusty.
and i realize i've never been good at articulating things verbally - but now i find that i can't even find the written words.

maybe it's because i've pulled so far inward, though i've always been by nature a bit of a closed person. (understatement of the week, i know)

anyway, i don't know how to wax eloquent about putting my cat to sleep today. it sucked. a lot.

he's been my friend for, well - longer than i've known anyone who reads this. which in the scheme of my life narrative is a really bloody long time.

i'm exhausted from releasing all those tears i didn't even know i had left in me. and still surprised by the ones that well up unexpectedly.

i had nothing left afterwards for the house, when i did my final walkthrough this afternoon. in retrospect, i'm amazed that the only things i conjured up on that last visit were relatively positive memories. and that none of them involved my family.

and thus the things which have born witness to my history pass.
alas that i can not compose a more appropriate requiem.

a valentine to myself

2008-02-13T04:22:19Z

even if your personal and professional life are in an official state of disarray - it's okay. embrace this.

have that good cry you've been needing. hack off your hair. go to puerto rico.

life is making room for possibilities, and this openness is something you haven't had for a long time.

breathe. live. love. smile.

elf @ 2008-01-15T02:00:00

2008-01-15T07:26:28Z

someday, i will have to begin feeding the internet again. which means doing things like cleaning up my lj (both visually and in reference to my actual entries), getting back into writing, and maybe even doing something with that facebook account that people seem to have found. you guys are crazy - i set it up to look at some of my sister's photos and all of a sudden i have "friends" or whatever after one tawdry visit.

bother.

anyway - this isn't a real entry. this is a: i would like to go see the ansel adams exhibit this weekend (or possibly next), and am looking for folks to join me. not sure how much flexibility there will be on time/day given that last weekend sold out - so i'd like to coordinate with a small number of folks and buy tickets in the relatively near future. if you'd like to join, let me now your availability and i'll do my best to finagle something that works for everybody. (tickets run for 14 bucks a pop to the exhibition - i'm not sure if that's in addition to or includes the general corcoran price of $6)

also, a psa: this week is restaurant week in dc (and in some nova/md restaurants). many tasty establishments are having three course lunches for $20 and three course dinners for $30. take advantage of it.

i need six of me to do everything that i want to do with my time. a rich benefactor wouldn't hurt either.

elf @ 2007-11-12T02:01:00

2007-11-12T06:58:42Z

anyone up for remembrance sushi on wednesday?

i'm currently thinking matuba's (in arlington) circa 7:30. input welcomed.

elf @ 2007-10-16T17:09:00

2007-10-16T21:10:54Z

dude, for serious, i just got invited to dinner at the deputy administrator's house.

i admit to being a little bug-eyed.

calling on my audiophiles and computer geeks:

2007-10-05T02:44:07Z

anybody have recommendations on computer speakers?

since i got a rent easement for having to deal with asbestos abatement, i figured i could splurge a little/invest for once. :)

considerations (which from my reviews thus far seem important):
- i don't game much - i want the speakers for music, not for dvd watching or game-playing.
- space is not an object.

Anybody else foolish enough to help me move...?

2007-08-30T22:47:43Z

The plan:
- Alison will pick up the moving truck at 10:30 a.m.
- Team will (please?) show up between 11:30ish and noonish - I've got
the elevator reserved in Silver Spring from 12 to 4, but there will be
a few things to move to the dumpster that I can't handle by myself
(like... the couch) as well as large things that don't fit in
elevators. Also, if I have my act together, I will have bagels. Or
send someone out with my credit card for some.
- Justin and I have the elevator in Crystal City reserved from 12 - 8;
Justin's team will move his stuff in the early afternoon, Team Awesome
(ie you guys) will be hauling things into the Crystal City apartment
in the late afternoon (guesstimate: 4-7)
- Pizza & the contents of Alison's beer crisper for all!

Right now I have: Emily, Tucker, Kevin, Jeff, Jenna, Meghan, and my mom/stepdad on the hook. I need a bigger army!

LJ friends - if you're bored and could spare a few hours on Saturday, any and all help would be very much appreciated.
I have no internet after I leave work - which includes tomorrow. Please call if you decide you can/want to come - I can give further details and directions then.

In the meantime - plan for a housewarming sometime in October after they remove the asbestos containment unit (i.e. tarp and tape!)!

elf @ 2007-08-21T19:45:00

2007-08-21T23:50:52Z

fyi: i have no internet outside of work.
ergo, if you need to reach me, phone is a more likely way of being able to do so. though i'm still having some issues with being able to call people back (verizon's fault, not mine).
and yes, that i'm posting now means that i'm still at work.

elf @ 2007-07-25T21:41:00

2007-07-26T02:06:28Z

for all you people who complain about how FAR AWAY i live (hah!), i'm moving back to virginia.
justin and i are moving in together on september 1st, to an apartment in crystal city (in his current complex/building). volunteers for the moving party would be *much* appreciated.

matticus is moving out tomorrow, so i'm going to probably go stir crazy, which i'm sure will aid in the mass stuff-getting-rid-of venture i'm planning to undertake this month. i already miss the kitten :(

i'm not sure if this means i'll be extra social in august, given how things on my project are gearing up at work, but perhaps after i return from training in south carolina next week + the virgin mustic festival (guess who won tickets, baby!) i can pretend to come out more.

also, i promise not to move again for at least another year if i can possibly help it. as far as i know, justin's not applying to law school. =P

...and really bad eggs.

2007-06-22T15:53:43Z

pirate party date set - July 7th.
we should be able to get our proverbial ducks in a row by then.

elf @ 2007-06-05T20:52:00

2007-06-06T00:50:13Z

pirate party postponed - most likely until the 23rd or 30th.
sorry for the late notice folks; i wanted to wait until the alternate was lined up, but it hasn't materialized yet.
never fear - we will take advantage of el pirate bar en masse before i leave silver spring!

save the date

2007-05-23T05:15:08Z

currently thinking of june 9th for semi-whenever pirate thing. if anyone has any objections or better dates, speak now or walk the plank.

more upon my return from across the pond.

elf @ 2007-02-23T15:00:00

2007-02-23T20:03:55Z

livejournal world, it is officially your job to convince me that it's not worth it to move to maryland (i.e. silver spring). go!

(or to tell me that you'll still come to see me if i do)

elf @ 2007-02-13T12:51:00

2007-02-13T18:10:09Z

before i start cold poking folks i don't know on craigs list - anybody awesome want to live with me (or know of somebody awesome who'd like to do the same)? (commencing in either the short or somewhat long term okay - if your lease is up in six months or something goofy i can find transitional housing for a few months as needed)

various and sundry:

2007-02-09T15:37:26Z

1) i've become addicted to the craigslist furniture section. still haven't found/obtained my object of desire (i need a dresser), but i'm finding all sorts of stuff that if i had more space i might invest in. it appeals to my inner bargain hunter. and snarky side.

2) overheard and amusing:
k: so wait, do you just live your existence drifting from back-rub to back-rub?
m: i don't see anything wrong with said form of existence!

3) alternative valentines day gathering. somebody prodded me the other day about my "anti-valentines day" plans - they're not anti, they're alternative, and any who is interested (and has no designs on me) is invited.

i love my friends, and i love sushi. clearly, this means i should make sushi out of my friends. i mean, wait.
so, um, anybody else want to get sushi with me next wednesday? toro is totally in my future. also, i think we should get sake.

yama. i should make a reservation. let me know.

Ping?

2007-01-26T18:05:15Z

Scouting for potential interest - anyone want to possibly go see Children of Men tonight?

Of avocados and coups

2006-12-06T22:34:27Z

Things of good: Walking in to the sandwich shop and having the guy behind the counter smile, walk in to the back, and walk back out front peeling an avocado before I even order. Evidence points to the fact that yes, I am officially a regular here.

Things of not so good: The folks I used to work for just underwent a(nother) coup. Not that they're unfamiliar with this - my Ambassador had already been fingered for his part in the last one. But my former colleagues are in jeopardy, and I'm worried about them.

Sometimes, I don't bother with eloquence.
The end.

elf @ 2006-11-23T13:01:00

2006-11-23T18:01:18Z

i'm considering a game day, for tomorrow. maybe opening the doors at 3, and say folks can come over whenever after that.
i'll make brownies, open a bottle of wine, brew some tea.
you should bring: yourself, games, and/or any thanksgiving leftovers you don't feel like dealing with.

interest? thoughts?

elf @ 2006-11-12T04:03:00

2006-11-12T09:03:07Z

every year around this time i pay tribute to an absent friend. we all have our rituals - some use lemon for bitterness, salt for tears, and an overturned wine glass for toasts never to be shared again. some leave flowers in front of cold stones. for a time i burned letters - now i use an empty place setting and a bowl of rice.

not all watches need be kept alone, nor all vigils be silent. remembrance need not be sober. i have many hours to be quietly contemplative - after. any one who wishes to join me beforehand for sushi and laughter is welcome.

this tuesday, yama. let me know.

Waffle Rant

2006-10-24T16:47:24Z

Can anyone explain to me exactly what waffle stomping is?
No, seriously. WAFFLE STOMPING.

This rant is officially dedicated to Don Young (House of Representatives), who has decided that us environmentalists are a "self-centered bunch of waffle-stomping, Harvard-graduating, intellectual idiots" who "are not Americans, never have been Americans, never will be Americans."

I have so much to say on this, but let me limit it to a few points:

1) "Self centeredness." OH RIGHT because we care about what happens to people and things outside of ourselves. VERY SELF-CENTERED. There is definitely some credence to saying that we have a first-world bias - and its something that responsible, thoughtful, and sustainable (by which I mean beyond environmentally lasting, but socially lasting) advocates and policy-makers have to grapple with. But selfish? Please.
This is also coming from one of (if not the) biggest pork-barrel politicians ever. Who is PROUD of this accomplishment. And who has had some very choice words to say about the victims of Katrina when someone suggested that some of the funds for things like the Alaskan "bridge to nowhere" be diverted. Right. Wait, who's self-centered?

2) WAFFLE STOMPING.

3) That would be Yale, thank you very much.

4) I'm really tired of people believing that intellectualism is a bad thing. Heaven forbid we have someone in office who has an education and isn't afraid to use it. And one of the worst parts about this is that this goes beyond political office: this extends down to how our very government is structured. Experience, interest and education relating to say, environmental treaties is about the surest ticket to never being able to work on them unless you do outside the official auspices of the government. And then you basically get to participate in a big act of wasted effort and wishful thinking because the folks who work on this don't listen to you anyway. Because you stomp on waffles. (And government is stove-piped, special interest captured, etc.)

5) Representative Young, did Senator Stevens (your colleague from Alaska) send you an internet? You know, that thing made of tubes?

6) The whole excluding environmentalists as Americans is worse rhetoric than what Bush uses to justify stomping on civil liberties like free speech and privacy. This actually goes beyond the whole "if you're not with us, you're against us." Wow. Just... wow. I mean, I realize the guy has a grudge against Teddy Roosevelt and all, but get a grip.

7) I still don't know what waffle stomping is. Could someone explain this to me so I can rant about it too?

Appropriately today I got a maple macchiato which tastes like I'm drinking syrup (yuck). I'm going to go step on some breakfast foods now.

Potential Outings

2006-09-25T18:27:53Z

Instead of going to bed this weekend, it was apparently a good idea to start poking around venue/artist websites. After much oohing, ahhing, and lamenting here are things I'm really interested in doing in the next few months. You should come if you're interested, and we should coordinate.

Concert Dates:
Holy cow, *all* my favorite folk artists are in town this fall. After whittling down the list to pretend I'm doing a semi-reasonable number/schedule/pricing balancing act, this is what I'm thinking:

- October 2 (Monday) - Gin Blossoms (State Theater? whatever the venue is in Falls Church)
- October 26 (Thursday) - Girlyman and We're About 9 (Jammin' Java)
- November 5 (Sunday) - Richard Shindell (Birchmere)
- November 29 (Wednesday) - Tracy Grammer (Jammin' Java)

Massive Attack, Death Cab for Cutie and Dar Williams are all also in the area, but a bit out of my financial reach - but I know some of the rest of you would be interested.

Also, if Emily hasn't completely disavowed me/the notion for not calling her back, we had been talking about going to see the Barenaked Ladies at the Patriot center on the 4th of October. This one's a bit more time pressing than the rest, since I presume seats are actually assigned... But we were looking for other folks, especially since it'll be her... second(?) concert ever. (Something like that).

Theater Stuff:
At the Kennedy Center:
I, would *lovelovelove* to go to the Opera this season (particularly Madama Butterfly (Nov 4 - 19)), but it's probably not going to happen. Seats start at $45. Anyone want to tempt me to be bad? (Please?)

Am also debating between either Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (Jan 4 - 28) or the RSC's Coriolanus (April 14 - 26). (Cheap seats are $25, tickets haven't gone on sale for either yet, so possibility of -good- seats).

At Arena:
- Nine Parts of Desire (september 29 - oct 12)

Folger's season is comparatively tepid, which is probably a good thing for my pocket book, and am already planning on seeing Antony and Cleopatra this Friday.

***

Anyway, I'm trying to get out more and get my culture on. The only things I really splurged on each year up at school were season subscriptions to the Yale Rep, so I know I'll be missing it, and am subsequently trying to build a little bit of it back into my life.

Anybody else have any suggestions for anything else, or, more importantly, want to come with me to ANY of this?