and then

 if i knew how to write short stories, i'd write a short story about a competitive eater and how he tackles some insane, impossible task like eating the worlds biggest meatball (225+ lbs) before it rots and then how it irrevocably changes his life for the worse.  and then on his deathbed, he'll say in a regretful voice tinged with profound pathos: "i shouldn't have eaten The Meatball".