"what's meant to be will always find its way"

LJ Idol - Week 1 [I need the struggle to feel alive]

dreamchaser — Wed, 23 Nov 2016 19:23:22 GMT

Typical scenes around my house:

"Toscana, get off the counter!!!!!! NOW!!!!"

*Toscana trots across the counter, flicking her tail with all the sass in the world*

"Toscana, stop scratching that!!!"

*Toscana looks at me like I have two heads with all the attitude in the world*

Toscana is my two year old cat. There is not a day that goes by where I think whoever coined the phrase "dogs have owners, cats have staff" was really on to something. It's a never ending battle of wills as to who is really in charge around here.

I would like to think I am really in charge. After all, it is my name that is on the deed and mortgage to the house. I pay all the bills. I am the one who dishes out the cat food and cleans the litter box. Those things practically scream "THE BOSS!!" Right?????

Yeah, in Toscana's mind, that is not the case. Cats view themselves as the ultimate in superior beings, and humans are their lowly servants. "My house" turned into "Toscana's house" the second I brought her home from the shelter a year and a half ago, and it's been mayhem, meows, and a 24/7 tussle ever since. Clean counters? Who needs that? Decent looking furniture and carpets? Pffffftttt!! Even privacy when I am using the "human litter box" is non-existent!! I will see a little paw under the door, or an entire feline body just barge right in, meowing like there is no tomorrow!

A typical 3 am will go something like this:

*me sleeping soundly*

"MEOW!!!!!" "MEOW!!!!!!!" *THUNK* *THUNK* (Translation: Get up,you lazy human!)

Toscana's need to assert her authority/thought that she should be fed/petted/whatever is on her feline mind at such an ungodly hour takes precedence over my sleep.

I will take the trots across the counter, the excess scratching, and even the 3 am wake up calls and no privacy in the bathroom. Toscana is giving me a reason to get up in the morning, and I rescued her so she can keep living and trying to tell me who is really in charge at home**.

**I still think I'm in charge.

LJ Idol - Week 0 [Introduction]

dreamchaser — Tue, 08 Nov 2016 02:02:14 GMT

Who am I?

For the longest time, that answer was unbelievably simple. I was a cube-dwelling peon dedicated to assisting online learning students. I was a loyal servant to my feline overlord (or would that be overlady? I have a female feline). I was a homeowner in that painstaking period of time known as "the first few years of home ownership". I was fiercely independent, and proud of it. Living alone ruled! I could do whatever I want whenever I wanted! I had both Internet friends (thanks to my extensive presence on LJ) and real life friends (thanks to my extensive involvement in Toastmasters). I was content.

Who am I?

Six months ago, that answer was unbelievably simple too. I was still a cube dwelling peon dedicated to assisting online learning students. I was still a loyal feline servant. I was still mired in the first few years of home ownership. My involvement in Toastmasters brought me a new boyfriend, M. I needed a ride home one night from our meeting, and he was the one to give it to me. The ultimate meet cute, right? Independence went flying straight out the window. I was spending any moment I could with my new man. My phone was blowing up with "good morning" texts, texts all through our lunch hours at work, and any time we weren't together, there were constant texts. He thought all my interests were a "waste of time" and I went along with it. I was just excited to have someone who wanted to share his life with me. We made plans to move in together and build a future together. I was not going to be alone for the rest of my life!! Yippee!!!!

Who am I?

As of October 16, 2016, this answer is not all that simple. I still have my job, I still have my cat, I still have my house (and home ownership is still expensive), but my personal life went up in a giant plume of smoke. On that day, M. dumped me. He was supposed to move in with me that day. From "meet cute" to "stinky dump" in the blink of an eye. Losing that relationship meant losing a good chunk of my friends (he was involved in Toastmasters first - he got the friends).

I did get my independence back, but it still is hard coming home to an empty house at night. I sometimes get teary-eyed over the break up, but then I realize that I am mourning a person who wasn't who I thought he was and a future that had no intention of existing. I realize that I could not have been any more ridiculous to compromise myself for someone else.

I have more Internet friends than real life friends now. I am however, seeking new opportunities to be with people. I started an improv class yesterday (and I LOVED it!). I am seeking out Meetups (I am going to a cuddle party on Saturday, and bowling 2 Saturdays from then). I am also looking at taking martial arts training in the New Year. If I ever do decide to enter into a relationship again, I will not settle. I will strike a balance between "me" and "us".

I will discover who I really am. Are you up to walking alongside me as I take this journey?

This will get me motivated to be on LJ more often....

dreamchaser — Sun, 06 Nov 2016 23:28:42 GMT

I have decided to do LJ Idol this season. Maybe writing about the turmoil that has gone on over the last month may help me heal?

Let's see how far I can do this......