dr dawn

NaNoWriMo

2009-11-12T14:54:39Z

Woo Hoo!! Not sure if I'll really be at 50,000 by end of month but I'll keep working on it. I wasn't planning on signing up for NaNoWriMo, and I started this story a few weeks before Nov 1st, but it is new story and what I'm interested in writing now, so I'm going with it.

Slow Morning

2009-11-09T15:15:22Z

Time to get in shower and head into work. Maybe do something today.

My bf had his daughters this weekend. Maybe that's why I woke up wanting to read Wolverine/Rogue "Party in the USA" songfic. It's OK if it's bad. If anyone knows of such fic or wants to write it, please let me know, otherwise I may have to write it in order to get it out of my head.

Doncha see it? Rogue has to put her hand ups. They are playing her song. The Butterflies fly away.

*hysterical laughter*

K.Thx.Bye

For today...

2009-11-06T18:11:25Z

I think I'm about 20,000 words in to an original story that's maybe 60,000 words--that's what I really want to work on this month...but today, I stuck with epic fanfic. Have lose ends to clean up. Life is never simple with Wolverine, even when it should be.

Happy Guy Fawkes Day

2009-11-05T19:19:14Z

WE celebrated by going to computerized nurse charting today and almost destroyed a hospital. i might be dead.

drdawn @ 2004-05-13T12:56:00

2004-05-13T09:57:10Z

Cookie Generator by Hutta

What I've learned about homeownership....

2004-03-17T06:50:15Z

Everything cost $500. Even if it initially does not seem that way. The gutters were going to be $110 to clean and fix, but then they found a hole in the roof that the home inspector missed because it was raining and the roof is steep so he inspectoed from the ground. Which is fine, and I'm glad we found it because that explains why the tiles fell off the shower downstairs and the wall had water damage.

Even if you do stuff yourself, like spread gravel over the driveway, its turns out to be $500. It is probably the most beautiful gravel drive in town though, mainly because all the other houses are paved, which I'm betting you can do for $500. The Lex Luthor stained glass window I want for the front door--if I'm lucky it'll be $500. I bought a toothbrush holder for the upstairs bathroom, $500. Well, I went for a toothbrush holder which lead to a laundry hamper and somehow plates ended up in the mix

Good news though--I'm getting satellite installed today--suppose to be $52, and DSL by Tuesday.

And one more thing---
Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

New York
You're competative, you like to take it straight to the fight. You gotta have it all or die trying.

I'm living in the wrong city. Just like Brian Kinney.

Picture of my (hopefully) house

2004-02-07T16:20:36Z

The closing date is 2/27. I had a home inspection, and I'm really happy with the results. For an old house (first record of it was in the 1911 city directory), it is in decent shape. All the homes are old in this section of town and a lot of young people are buying them and restoring them.
I absolutely *adore* it.

Damn, I must be dumb

2004-01-16T11:42:11Z

From keswindhover

drdawn's Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 5
Average number of words per sentence:	13.21
Average number of syllables per word:	1.33
Total words in sample:	3064
Analyze your journal! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern

Edited to add: I'm even friends with dictionary_wotd

2003 meme--I do things on my own schedule

2004-01-06T13:56:27Z

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?

A mover.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes, and I keeping the same resolution this year-- Have more sex.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No

5. What countries did you visit?

O Canada

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

A vacation.

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

none really.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finishing fellowship.

9. What was your biggest failure?

not finishing fellowship paper.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Knee injury from running which resolved until yesterday.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A comforter for my bed-- a whole set really to fix my room, then the dog got hair all over it and the cleaners ruined it. But it was really nice for about a week.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

not mine

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Scott Peterson. I want to put him on a deserted island with Saddam Hussein and Michael Jackson, make them scrounge for food and water and survival. Then film it as a new reality TV show

14. Where did most of your money go?

I'm so bad with money. I have no idea.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Being Brian Kinney and the end of Buffy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?

Peacekeeper

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
Happier

ii. thinner or fatter?
Thinner

iii. richer or poorer?
Richer. Wow I should be waaaaay happier

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Actual work.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Stressing.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

mom's house

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?

I don't believe in love. I'll let you know if the writers change that part of my character this season. It could go either way.

23. How many one-night stands?

Ha! (lately they are sticking around)

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Angel, QaF, And that 16 people build a house and winner keeps it reality show on A&E. Anything with Tony Snow.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I forget who I start hating.

26. What was the best book you read?

Sanctuary by Faulkner--probably the only non medical and non fandom book I read.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

50 Cent, don't laugh.

28. What did you want and get?

Out of Memphis

29.What did you want and not get?

Less debt.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

I haven't seen it yet.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

31 and don't remember.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Discovering QaF and having friends visit in real life *waves*

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?

Brooks Brothers no iron shirts.

34. What kept you sane?

You assume I'm sane.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Micheal Jackson.........just kidding

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The killing of non mad cows. Really, I'm being serious and don't get me started because I want a bumper sticker but can't think of one. Sisabet suggested "your mad cow hate makes me cry" but that isn't right. It needs to be something like "Mad cow disease sucks, but it sucks even more to be killed because of mad cow disease you don't have."

37. Who did you miss?

my brother

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Someone I work with.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:

Your attitude makes a big difference in your life, esp if you are acting like a fictional character.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

They say I walk around like got an "S" on my chest
Naw, that's a semi-auto, and a vest on my chest
I try not to say nothing, the DA might want to play in court
But I'll hunt or duck a nigga down like it's sport
Front on me, I'll cut ya, gun-butt ya or bump ya
You getting money? I can't get none with ya then fuck ya

10 Unpopular (edited to add: or not so unpopular) Fannish Opinions

2003-11-21T08:40:31Z

1. Brian Kinney owes no one an apology. All of his actions are completely justified.

2. Gale Harold is the best actor eva. And in my mind, he is brilliant as well. I must fess up to never actually reading a entire interview with him or listening to interviews. My version is probably better than the real thing, but my version is just as real to me as the real version is to the universe, so don't try to fuck with that.

3. Lex and Johnny Cash don't mix well.

4. Spike is completely in character this season. Don't like it....well maybe you just don't like Spike. Or maybe you only like him as some whimpy, sappy yet brilliant love-you-for-ever-Buffy manpire redemption hero that he is in your fanfic, but that's not the real Spike.

5. Methos is hotter than Duncan...and I had sex with Duncan (in a dream).

6. Angel is a good looking man. He shouldn't have been fucking a 16-turning-17 year old. And Brian Kinney probably shouldn't have went to prom.

7. Lilah didn't love Wes. She liked him a lot. She can't love anyone anymore than Brian Kinney can.

8. Giles deserved a better storyline season 7.

9. People who physically cry and whine and breakdown on LJ, boards, the dentist office, wherever and complain, complain, complain because their favorite vampire/hero/character/pair is being mistreated by the writers and creators of the show, annoy me to no end. I'm not saying don't have an opinion. Just have it and move On. With. Your. Life.

10. Popslash and RPS used to squick me, but my opinion changed after 8 mile. Now I have all these great ideas, like Kid Rock takes Brian Kinney on a camping trip. The list is endless really. The news every night adds to the ongoing Bush/Blair/Putin triangle. Clinton and Mexico's Fox play villians in this saga. Yet I don't read any popslash and RPS other than alphabet soup.

At stranger in a strange land: My adventures with foreign travel.

2003-11-08T19:58:47Z

I arrived Thursday afternoon. The air was cool and crisp. The drug company had paid for the flight and hotel. It must have been cheaper to hold the meeting here. The language barrier was apparent immediately. The exit signs did not say “exit.” They said “sortie/exit.” Thank god I had a driver.

“This is Bay Street. It’s the financial district,” he said.

“Oh! It’s like your Wall Street.”

Then we passed a yuppie looking coffee shop, I continued, “And Second Cup, that’s like your Starbucks.”

“Um, no. We have Starbucks.”

“Yeah, right” I thought. I had seen the Billboards. I knew the score. I noticed the advertisements—Walmart, Linens ‘N Things. “You have the Discount US Chains, but not the quality shit,” I said as we passed the Luis Vuitton store.

Then, I saw the Starbucks and the second Starbucks, and another, and another, and the fifth and sixth Starbucks I kind of saw together and it was hard to know for sure which one was the fifth and which one was the sixth because they were across the street from each other. By the way, when that happens, the one of the right is always the lower number.

I was staying on West Bloor, but again roads going west didn’t say “west” they said “ouest/west.” Damn, I should have taken Canadian in high school. I noticed right away that the natives here, here in this place called Toronto, which in ancient Canadian means the Meeting Place, really like green glass. Like everywhere, every condo building or office building has this tinted green glass. Must be a city code or maybe they got a deal from one of their discount US stores .

I had two non work goals: stalk GH and try to blend in with the locals. So as soon as I had checked into the hotel, I went walking down Bloor to Church St. Some of the exteriors shots from QaF are there. Ok, now I should mention my disability. Sisabet calls it “ Lois Lane Syndrome.” You know how some elementary school kids will freak if they see their teacher in the grocery store. I never had that problem because if my elementary school teacher was in the grocery store, I wouldn’t recognize her. I have a real problem recognizing anyone out of context. Also, if they alter their appearance, say by wearing a cap and mask in the OR, I have a lot of trouble knowing them. I guess this applies to locations as well. I think I saw the park where Brian tells Ethan “there’s nothing noble in being poor” but I can’t be certain. Also, I saw St. James Church which I think is where Brian’s momma goes to church and there were some steps where Brian could have been standing when he talked to the minister, but without Brian standing there it is really hard to know whether it was the right church. I wanted to find the exterior of Brian’s loft, stand in the street and yell “Brian” like Justin did in ep1.4, but instead I ended up standing in the street in front of random could-be-loft-buildings yelling “Brian.” Anyway, I didn’t see anyone from the show.

I walked around a lot Thursday and wanted to eat. There was a nice looking sushi place, but I had grown accustomed to really fine sushi living in Memphis. I didn’t really know if I could trust Toronto to make good sushi. So I ate at Pita Pan. The girl at the counter asked me why I had American money. “Because I’m not from here,” I said, not wanting to give too much away. Then I realized, Hey I must’ve blended. So basically I’m 1 for 2 on the trip. I spent the rest of my free hours Friday and Saturday searching for Gale. No luck.

Trip home was interesting---more tomorrow.

50Cent Icons

2003-10-07T08:02:44Z

Because my sister keeps telling me I need these. And yeah, I am fascinated by 50 Cent. Some times sisabet and I discuss the innate goodness of Eminem or the beigeness of Dre, but everyone seems to agree that 50Cent is pure thug. 100%. Nothing socially redeeming about the man in any shape or form.

drdawn @ 2003-10-07T09:56:00

2003-10-07T07:09:06Z

On the 4th floor of the Children's Hospital, there's a coke machine with 20 oz bottles for a dollar. I get one about everyday. After the money goes in and I hit the Diet Dr. Pepper or Diet Mountain Dew button, there is a 10 second pause before the drink drops. This pause upsets me. Maybe the machine has decided to steal my money or maybe it is going to flash "sold" on all the diet drinks and I'll be forced to drink something with sugar that I'm not even craving. Generally, after about 8 seconds of the pause, I'll begin to yell "VEND! VEND!" at the machine and will seriously consider slapping it. This has got to end.

Last night

2003-10-01T06:09:53Z

So last night I fell asleep at home in a chair. I was on call and on the phone alot with the resident in the unit but no one was bad enough that I had to come in--but I was up every hour talking about patients and making plans with the resident.

I dreamed I had sex with Duncan. Which surprised me because #1) I haven't seen very many episodes of Highlander and #2) I thought I was much more attractived to Methos, esp after seeing this PW sex scene. Anyway Duncan was in my kitchen naked looking through the frigde. I felt sorry for him because I knew there was no food in there, so I went up behind him, put my arms around him and started kissing his back. He turned around and picked me up and then the rest is like an amazing porno blur. The guy is incredible. I think I've spent the last 15 years having sex all wrong....cause it has never been like this. Then the phone rang and I woke up.

Two days ago at dinner, sisabet, my kid and I were having a discussion, about celebrities and what we would do if they showed up at our house disoriented and/or high. Because it is important to have a plan and all be on the same page. For example, Sharon Stone---call the police. Gale Harold--bring him in, put him on the couch, make him coffee and call me 911. Sisabet was scared that Michael Chiklis might be violent and she shouldn't let him in, but I insist that we bring him in and just talk him down. My son said fictional characters showing up would be more interesting and wanted to discuss our response should Xander and various animae characters show up at the door. Sisabet, however, insisted that was just crazy talk and a waste of time because the odds of fictional characters showing up was so low ......Anyway, I think that is how Duncan ended up in my kitchen

drdawn @ 2003-08-13T11:23:00

2003-08-13T08:23:40Z

and another GIP!!

drdawn @ 2003-08-13T11:22:00

2003-08-13T08:22:58Z

GIP!!!

drdawn @ 2003-08-12T15:57:00

2003-08-12T12:58:07Z

Brian Kinney, dead babies

2003-06-23T13:25:17Z

Finale: So there is one point about 17 minutes in when Debbie says "Jesus Christ" and the camera cuts to Brian. eliade was talking about BK as a superhero. I realized in some ways he is a Christ figure. Three times he has been in a arms out crucifix pose. Each time in front of Justin. Ep 1 where he stands naked for the first time, season 2 ep 19 or 20 after bowling, Justin has been with Ethan, you know the scene--where Brian dominates his ass. As Justin walks in, he holds his arms out. Then, he did it again in the apartment in the season 3 finale.

I am work and getting kinda upset. There are a lot of people wanting to say goodbye and I can't. Really. If I don't know you or care about you, I can say goodbye without any problem, but there are a lot of people here that I respect and care about that I won't see again. What is the point of saying it? No one is dying. I'm just moving. I've always had issues with saying goodbye, but today, I was thinking about the last 3 years and I realized--Wow, I really have issues with death. Which is funny. Fucking hilarious. Because I work around death all. the. fucking. time. And it doesn't bother me. I've been teary but never cried at work, never cried at home over work. I walk around and make jokes about dead kids the moment the bodies are moved, like any good pediatric ICU doctor would do.

National mortality rates for a pediatric ICU is 5-6%. Ours is 7-8% because of the acuity, so that is an average of 9-11 dead kids a month. I've been doing this for 36 months, so that is 360 dead kids that I've taken care of. That is 360 in my unit. I can't NAME a one. I vividly remember many, but can't come up with one name. I wonder if I can even remember 10% of them? Are there 36 cases I could tell someone about off the top of my head? I think I would get to about 20 and that would be it unless someone was around to jar my memory. I was thinking today about my "worst" death. Funny concept. Not the saddest--that was the Mom that had two healthy little blond boys (3 and 4) that died of liver failure days apart. The bloodiest was a little abused girl with a neck abscess that eroded into her carotid artery and she bled out on the floor of her hospital room. I watched her flail. She was awake for the beginning of her bloody death, and she was scared. I don't know what makes the worst, except it was the most tragic one for me personally as a doctor. I remember the boy's face. I remember conversations from the entire day.... with nurses, with him, his Dad. I remeber his Dad's fucking Bible. I have his initial Chest Xray in my closet at home. For weeks after he died, I would get in the shower in the morning and see him standing and smiling in my bathroom. But I can't remember his name.

I love my job, I really do. When I was a 4th year medical student, I followed a 9 year old patient with cancer. I knew the boy from 2 rotations: pediatric surgery and heme/onco. One day he was having seizures, went to the ICU. When I went to check on him (just as a little med student) he was worse. Vicki Montgomery, the ICU attending, walked in and took charge. She started giving orders, people starting doing stuff. She intubated him, called out orders for medicines and vent setting. I was in awe. It is nothing I don't do now on a daily basis, but at the time I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen. A few weeks later, I was a student on the medicine service at the VA. One night on call, an old guy coded on the floor. The guys from my team were there: a blond headed ER intern from Texas who thought he was hot stuff, my senior resident who was a great med/peds resident--nice guy, and this psychiatry intern who didn't want to touch patients. The guy didn't have an IV and they (the guy residents) were trying and trying to get a central line. This orthopedic surgery resident walked in. There are very few female surgeons, much less ortho surgeons. She weighed less than 100 lbs. She was very pretty and her name was something like "Kitty Walker." I don't remember her name but I think her first name was Kitty, something you don't expect. She walked into the code and within 45 seconds put a subclavian central line in the guy while they were doing chest compressions. For days, the boys all talked about how great that line was. After the guy was stable, I intentionally waited to see is she said anything. Anything like "oh, that was luck" or something. She didn't. My resident was like thanks and she just nodded and asked if there was anything else she could do. She was amazing, and I wanted to be like her. After that, the first thing I did on my surgery rotation was ask the residents to teach me how to put in central lines. I knew by my 4th year of med school I wanted to do pediatric intensive care and that I wanted to be the one who got the line in when no one else could. So yeah, I can do that now, and it is very cool and I love my job.....but I still have major issues, which I'm sure everyone does, but they aren't going away. They should be going--like in some direction--but they aren't.

I teach residents, so I have these little standards answers/talks/whatever for frequently asked questions. Like resident says "what should I wean first on the vent?" and I go into a standard blurb on vents. A big question they ask is "this is so sad. How do you do this?" They probably ask the attending as well, but as a fellow, I work closer with them. I'm closer to being a resident, plus they are scared when they come into the unit and the fellow is their lifeline. We are the ones they come to first with questions. They really bond with us. I've always had this standard answer, something like--Yes. It is sad, but there are kids that you really help, the ones that get better make up for it. And even if you aren't here seeing it, doesn't mean that it isn't happening, blah, blah, blah---there is even this whole "we do death well" mantra that a lot of ICU doctors buy into. The problem is I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe my own damn speech. About six months ago I stopped giving it. The last time two of the female residents were discussing a case and asked me the "how do you do it" question, I said, "In two hours the body will be in the morgue, the parents will be gone, another kid will be in that bedspace by tonight and you never have to think about that kid again." I was totally honest. There faces were blank and confused like maybe I was joking. I wasn't. It's what I believe. Later on in the month, the same girls were talking about organ donation and brain death exams. I made some comment about "well at least you didn't have to do any?" The girl responded with "You're kidding. Bob the Builder, remember Bob?" Then it hit me. I had walked her through doing a brain death exam, like two weeks ago. There was a house fire in MS, and this kid had smoke inhalation, was down at the scene and ended up brain dead. His grandpa died too from the fire. The nurses gave the kid multiple baths but couldn't get the smell of smoke out of him. I flew to MS to pick him up. He had been without a heart rate for a good 40 minutes. When I got there, he had some nonpurposeful movements, agonal respirations and fixed and dilated pupils. I told the grandmom he would probably die. As we were loading him on the helicopter, the Dad just made it to the hospital and ran up. It was a real bright sunny day. I said something very generic about how his heart had stopped, was beating now, and we are going to try to make it to Memphis. I was hoping he wouldn't ask any questions until we got the hospital, but he did. He asked if he was going to be ok and I could barely look at him. I knew he wasn't. I said something about lack of oxygen to his brain, then said "I think he will die over the next few hours." He did. Apparently the kid loved Bob the Builder, so there was this Bob the Builder doll that stayed in his bed, while the resident and I did the brain death exam. This isn't out of the ordinary. It's a pretty normal case. So why is it bothering me today? Obviously, I haven't lost any of my memories, but I'm getting good enough at repression that it scares me. My last Saturday call in the unit, I had two kids die. One was a eight month old African American baby in a car accident. She was in a car seat, but in the front with an airbag. I admitted her on Thursday and worked on her all night. By Friday, she was brain dead and her sweet parents were donating her organs. So Saturday, she was still there, we were keeping her heart beating, ect. until they were ready in the OR. We needed more IV access. I tried to stick an IV in her neck, but her head was so swollen from being bashed in that I could only get to one side of her neck. Her head wouldn't turn. In the bed next to her was a 3 year old, who was probably bain dead for unknown reasons. His Mom wasn't there because she had had a baby in another hospital the night before. I hadn't met the Dad. I'm examining the kid when he walks in--long story short--I have the nurse put the Dad in the bad news room, before I can talk to him the kid drops his heart rate, I end up rushing to get him because the kid is dying and he should hold him while he dies. I sit with him until the chaplain got there...blah, blah, blah. I should have been very very upset that Saturday morning. But I wasn't. The sun was shining. One of the nurses was trying to teach me how to make jambalaya. The organ donor people were there and they were ordering us pizza, which of course everyone calls "dead baby pizza." I was completely detached from everything going on. I mean, I was there, I was doing my job and doing it well, but detached. And it felt great. Blissful. Like this is the way it should always be. So now I'm fucking scared because I'm probably some kind of sociopath. So either I get involved and end up depressed and not leaving my house (like the last 3 years) or I stay detached a be a sociopath--which hey, sounds like a hell of a lot more fun right now.

Ok, this is the longest post I've ever made and I'm going to stop talking. If I've offended you, sorry but stop reading my LJ.

Fake Spoilers: Episode 5

2003-06-06T07:39:25Z

This reads more like a fake wildfeed summary. Based on my new favorite show.
In the lobby of the Hyperion, Fred and Gunn are around a table. Wes and Spike are sitting with them, making stakes. Angel walks in. He looks great, wearing a gray suit with white shirt and tie. He's drinking coffee.

Fred is saying, "It's really amazing, everything Willow has accomplished with the new Slayer Academy. They should finish the dorms this week. I would love to see Gile's Estate." Fred pauses. "She said Buffy was there, too. That she is a Rhode's Scholar."

"Buffy is a Rhode's Scholar?" questions Wes.

Angel with coffee cup almost at his mouth adds, "Damn. That spell was empowering."

"Roam's," Spike says then continues, "A Roam's Scholar. It's like an away course in hotel/motel management. It'll give her some credits over the summer."

"Well, I have to be a work. Someone's got to pay the bills," says Angel as he starts out the door. He turns back to Wes and Spike and smirks, "I'll leave you two to play with your stakes."

Fred and Gunn wonder away. Wes turns to Spike, "“Willow wants me to mention what a great opportunity this Slayer Academy could be ---for you."

Spike just looks at him. Wes continues, "I told her it was up to you. There's this whole Anti-watcher movement going on. Now, instead of watchers the girls meet once a week with some witch/mentor who helps them find their inner power voice. Really, I know the Council was a dinosaur... power hungry, inefficient . They made a lot of mistakes, but they weren't the root of all evil, you know. There were things they did well."

"Well, call me old school," Spike says and continues to whittle, "but I like having a Watcher." Wes grins. The phone rings.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to Angel walking in W&H to office. Everyone smiles at him, women and men. He struts through the building with background music playing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to the black room, never seen before. Gunn is watching a wall filled with monitors. The monitor screen look like something off the the matrix (but not the same as the Matrix)as lines begin to trail down the screen and intertwine. Lilah walks in. Gunn doesn't move, "What do you want?"

"Well, are you offering to give it to me?"

Gunn smiles. Lilah asks, "So are you happy...with your decision?"

Gunn replies, "It doesn't matter. I won't go back."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to Angel's office at W&H. "What about her parents?" Angel asks. "They're the ones who should handle this. Not me."

"She had a living will, Angel. She picked you.” Wes adds.

Fred walks in. “You paged 911. What is it?” she asked

Wes explains, "Cordy was just transferred from the rehab center back to Medical Center North. She has aspiration pneumonia...she can't handle her secretions. She has a cough and a gag, but she can't swallow. They can continue feeding her through a tube, but that can't prevent her from..."

"Who'd have thought, the girl wouldn't swallow," Angel mutters.

"Angel," Wes says, "This is serious. The doctor I spoke with said she is having trouble breathing. He said for her to survive she would probably need to be intubated and placed on a ventilator for several days."

"OK," Angel said. “So they're handling it."

"No, they are waiting for you to come in and talk with them. They feel like...it might be futile..given her current condition. They said they are supporting her with medicine and oxygen, but they wouldn't escalate care unless we, meaning you, wanted it. It's not an easy decision, Angel."

"Well, it should be easy. What's Cordy done since she's been in rehab. Hmmm. Nothing. No wait. She shakes more. If you touch her arm, she goes all tight and shakes." Angel demonstrates. "Like a seizure."

"NO, the shaking is *not* a seizure. It has a name, I can't remember what, but it's not seizures." Fred pauses then says quietly, "Her seizures are when her face twitches... Wesley, what about the rehab doctors? They said she should make the most progress in the first six months...and she has only been there for five. I've asked and asked if she is going to stay like this...and..."

"They say it is very, very unlikely she will get better. But," Wes looks at Angel and continues, "they can't say that for certain."

"This isn't my responsibility," Angel yells.

"Well, she trusted you.” Fred yells at Angel. “She thought you would be there for her, to take care of her.” Then she adds softly, “She loved you.”

Angel turns around. “Well, that was mistake number 1, 2 and 3,” he states calmly as he walks out the door.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to Wes. He walks in Angel's room. No background music. The camera is looking up at him all shaky (like in Homicide: Life on the Street). He knock stuff off of Angel dresser and it breaks. He pulls out Angel's drawers and empties them in the floor, rummages through stuff. He flips the mattress off the bed, and then he looks over. Sitting on the nightstand, are a glass of water and a bottle of prescription pills.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to Angel in a black Land Rover. He is driving fast and out of control. He runs a red light, another car swerves to miss him. He laughs.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to Spike out on patrol. He is fighting with a vamp, playing with him on the sidewalk in front of a bar. People are gathered around in a circle like it is some kind of a show. Spike stakes the vamp. People clap. Through the vamp dust, Spike spots Angel leaving the bar on the other side of the street. He's wearing leather pants.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to Fred at the hospital. She is smoothing Cordy's hair. They are in a regular hospital room. Cordy's breathing is hard. She has oxygen in her nose. She isn't on a cardiopulmonary monitor. A doctor walks in. "Hi, I'm Dr. Cline. The nurse said you had some questions."

"How is she?" Fred asks.

“About the same.” She answers, “We're giving her antibiotics, suctioning her, keeping her on oxygen and morphine. We're trying to keep her comfortable.”

“Well, you make sure you do that...I don't know what it feel like to smother, but I don't want Cordy to know either,” she says quietly.

Doctor walks out. Fred holds Cordy's hand.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut to Wes and Spike entering the Club (Babylon). Lots of lights, loud music, hot guys everywhere. Wes to Spike, “Was he feeding off anyone?”

“I don't think so. I looked around for bodies, but didn't see any. When did he start this medicine anyway?”

“The bottle was filled 3 weeks ago. I knew he seemed to have way more energy...but I think maybe he is going into some kind of mania.”

“I just thought he was getting in touch with his inner asshole,” Spike says with a shrug.

They spot Angel on the catwalk by the video screen and go over to him. He is wearing black leather pants and a silver shirt that is unbuttoned. Wes and Spike surround him on either side. We can't hear, but we see them try to grab him. He vamps out for a second and pushes them off. Spike and Wes stand there as Angel goes out on the dance floor. A shirtless hot blond guy almost as tall as Angel starts dancing with him. As they dance, another guy, this one more muscular and in leather (looks kind of like Groo) starts dancing behind Angel.

Wes says, “I don't know how we are going to get him out of here without making a scene.”

“Leave that to me,” Spike says. He takes the amulet off his neck and puts it into his pocket.

As Spike walks down the stairs, the dark lights are replaced by gold. In slow motion, Spike takes off his shirt and glitter falls from the sky all around him. "Let's here it for the boy" is blasting. Spike moves up beside the hot vampire sandwich and dances. He catches the blond guy's eye and the blond guy moves over and dances with Spike. Angel looks over and sees Spike grinding against the hot shirtless guy. For a moment, Angel stops dancing and just stands there watching. In that moment, the muscular guy moves over and starts dancing behind Spike. Angel continues to be still and watches. Spike continues to dance between the two without looking at Angel. With a swagger, Angel slowly comes over. Both arms go up, keeping them straight he brings them both down, one in front of Spike's face the other behind Spike's head. Then, like a Gay Moses parting a Fucking Red Sea, Angel's arms spread out and both boys peel off Spike. Spike turns to Angel and smiles. Angel hands are on his face and he kisses Spike. Spike's arms are wrapped around Angel. They break, look at each other and smile. They keep dancing, all over each other, with Angel's forehead pressed against Spike's. They turn their heads and look up at Wes. Behind Wes is a full screen shot of Angel and Spike. On the balcony Wes stands. Alone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shamelessly ripping off QaF Season 1 episode 3.

I was watching it with sisabet. When Brian walked out on the dance floor with the glitter, she said, "OMG. That is Spike." We started watching the show due to jainieg's vidswhich took my breath away.
And writing Angel as Brian is so much fun.

Boll Weevils

2003-06-06T02:49:02Z

I've been up all night. June is usually slow but I've had 3 trauma patients tonight, the last one is really sick. So basically I've been up all night with her.

But I have to tell people about yesterday afternoon. I was walking from the fellow's office to the ICU and I see this woman dressed up in a formal floor length peach gown, surround by 20 some guys in green pants, green capes with lots of decorations and beads and masks. I thought they were acting out "The Princess and the Pea." But No, the woman is the Cotton Coronation Queen, visiting the hospital as part of her public service. The guys wore these masks, the kind where they can see out of a fake wire mouth but you can't see them. They also had this long trunk, anyway, they were boll weevils. So I walk up to this group and I start firting with them, except I can't see their faces and the masks are all similar. I can see their bodies, and they can see me. It was just like "Mr. Personality." Except, I had to get back to work.

Fake spoilers: Episode 4

2003-06-04T16:12:35Z

sisabet helped with this. I may run out of quality TV and movies to rip off soon. So don't be surprised if eventually Spike and Angel are on this ship that sinks, then Spike lays on a floating door crying, "Angel. Angel. I won't let go. I won't let go." Later on at the hotel, Spike tells Wes, "Uh, I let go. I couldn't help it. He was all cold and slippery. A pure Angel-cicle. Man, I can't believe he's gone." Spike sits down and shakes his head. Wes sighs, "He's not gone. C'mon, let's get the boat."

Cut for the real fake spoiler ep

Angel, wearing a short leather coat, black shirt and black pants walks into a small office. There are diplomas on the dark walls and a painting of a daisy hanging behind a large desk.

"Mr. Angel?" says the woman behind the desk. She is petite with short salt-and-pepper hair and is wearing a navy blue suit. She stands and walks around the desk.

"It's just Angel." He shakes the woman's hand.

"I'm Dr. Merrick." She gestures and continues, "Have a seat."

Angel sits and folds his hands in his lap.

"What brings you here?"

"I was hoping you could help me. I don't know if this is going to work, but things are...I've been feeling...like I might .....I thought this might help."

"Did anyone refer you here? A family physician?"

"No. I thought about asking someone for a recommendation. Trying to find someone with expertise with my type of problems, but I didn't want to discuss it with anyone I know. I found you in the phone book--and when I called yesterday, your receptionist said she could get me in today."

"What line of work are you in?"

"My work really isn't important."

"Can you at least tell me an occupation? Are you employed?"

"I...um...I own a small business. Well, not so small anymore...but, uh..." Angel states the following very quickly and emphatically, "I take care of problems for a fee. I deal with the things other people don't want to deal with, don't even want to think about . I do what has to be done. Lately I've become very successful, but I've had to make...compromises along the way."

"What can I do for you?"

"*I* don't know. *You're* the doctor."

"Are you depressed?"

"No. I'm just... very, very... I don't know. It is really important that I stay in control and lately..."

"In control?"

"Of my feelings. Of me. I feel...sad? I don't know, and I am afraid that if it gets to be too much, that if I stop caring for just a minute... then I will lose control and...I could hurt people. People I care about. People I love. My family."

"Are you thinking about harming yourself?"

"No."

"Are you thinking about harming others?"

"No. Yes. I don't *want* to hurt anyone, well actually I do," Angel quickly looks up at Dr. Merrick. She meets his eyes and he looks away. "The rage and the... it's in my *nature*. It is something that is always with me. Because of what I am, what I do. Before... " Angel pauses and takes a breath. "I've done very bad things. Things I can't tell you about."

The doctor interrupts, "Can I stop you for a second? I don't know where this story is going. There are a few ethical ground rules we should quickly get out of the way. What you tell me here falls under doctor-patient confidentiality. Except if I were-- if I were to hear, let's say a murder was going to take place. Not that I'm saying it would, but if... If a patient comes to me and tells me a story where someone's going to get hurt, I'm supposed to go to the authorities. Technically."

"I understand."

"Can we focus on your immediate family? Do you have children?"

"I had a son."

"Had? What happened to your son?"

"I couldn't keep him safe. I couldn't protect him from the world, my world. He is far away and it is for the best."

"Do you see him?"

"I saw him a couple of months ago. Stayed in the crowd. He doesn't know me. He's better off that way."

"What about his mother?"

"She died."

"How did she die, Angel?"

"She was killed... and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't stop it. And then... I couldn't stop any of it. I don't want to talk about that... not right now. "

Dr. Merrick slowly nods, "OK. Do you have a partner or a spouse?"

"I'm not married. I do have...a family..of sorts."

"Tell me about them."

"Well, Cordelia...She was, I mean is...she *is*," . He pauses. "Last year was bad. She's in a rehab hospital now, in what the doctors call a 'persistent vegetative state.' She was, *is* dear to me and I miss her."

"Anyone else?"

"My partner Wes. We've run the business together for over four years. He knows me. He knows what can happen. That is important."

"I can see that."

"I trust him. But I don't trust him. It's complicated. We stay... I don't know"

"How's your appetite? gained or lost any weight?"

"It's the same. I've lost a few pounds. I've been training with....this guy. I've known him for a long time, longer than anyone."

"Go on."

"It helps. We start at 6 in the morning, work out for couple of hours. I do some katas. It helps. It keeps me focused. I feel sharp afterward. It helps. Then, either in the afternoon or late at night, we spar. We just go at it. Hard. And it feels good. I don't hold back. I beat and I pound. I don't have to hold back at all.. it helps but..."

"Go on"

"The rest of the time. I can't stand to be around him. I mean, he's annoying but...it's just, I want to kill him. At times, I really want to kill him." Angel pauses. "He has things that I've always wanted. He doesn't deserve them, neither do I. It's just...it's one thing to know that you can't have something and another thing to live with someone else who has it. Am I making sense?"

"Maybe, this something you want that he has - does he know how you feel?"

"Let's skip talking about Spike. Some things will never be sorted out."

"Ok, what about your parents?"

"Can we skip that, too?"

"No."

"Both dead. Killed by someone who broke into their home."

"Does it have anything to do with your profession?"

"It has everything to do with it."

Dr. Merrick gives a curt nod and continues, "Are you sleeping?"

"Yes. The training, being sharper, that has me sleeping better."

"What about your level of interest in sex? Has that changed?"

Angel quietly states, "I don't do happy relationship sex."

"Did I ask that? Just, your general level of interest, is it higher, lower or unchanged?"

"It's more."

"Why?"

"The training. The fighting. It's a lot more. I'm more energized over all, but sexually..I'm much more...everything."

"Are there things you used to do, hobbies, activities, that you don't do anymore?"

"No. Yes. Bad habits more than hobbies... I don't really have a hobby. I draw. Sometimes. "

"Are you taking any medication?"

"No."

"What about alcohol or recreational drugs"

"No."

"You never drink?"

"Maybe once a year."

"Smoke?"

"Every couple of years I light up. Try not to."

"Do you cry often?"

"Almost never."

"When was the last time you cried?"

"Yesterday, before I called."

"What happened yesterday that made you call?"

"It wasn't any worse than other days....." Angel doesn't finish.

"What happened, Angel?"

Angel stares at his hands and his words start slowly, "There was this puppy.....I hate puppies. I don't care about most people, let alone an animal, but....the puppy got hurt. It was pretty bad and, and as I watched him die, I realized that I doom everything I love." As he continues, his words flow faster, "I didn't love the puppy but the people I'm around, they end up either like the puppy or like me. Dead or alone. Maybe dead *and* alone. Nothing good happens to them. So I'll start to keep people at a distance, to protect them, but then, I'm even more isolated. And I don't care or I will stop caring, and once I stop caring, things get very, very bad. I don't want to do this again. I don't want to hurt the people I love and I don't want to push them away. And I don't know how to make these two things exist together, because in my experience they're are mutually exclusive." He stops speaking and continues to stare at his hands.

Dr. Merrick asks, "Angel, did you hurt the puppy?"

Angel replies, "No. But it doesn't matter. What happened was my fault."

"Do you feel helpless?"

Angel answers automatically, "No, I help the---" he stops short and looks at the doctor. "Yes. Yes I do."

"I've been asking you about symptoms of depression. And many of them, you don't seem to have, but the degree of sadness that you talk about and the amount of guilt you feel, these are symptoms of clinical depression and I think medication would be helpful."

"I don't think that will help me."

"I would like for you to give it a try."

"Will this, talking to you and taking medication, will it.... can you fix me?"

"Fix you? No. But I can help you."

"How?"

"By having you come here. Talking. Hope comes in many forms."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Shamelessly ripping off The Sopranos. A couple of the doctor's lines were taken directly from Season 1 episode 1 Script.

Fake Spoilers StVS ep 3:

2003-06-03T15:08:08Z

It's gonna be hard to sell this one. Here goes--

Spike and Wes walk through the door. Wes is gruffy looking, unshaven with glasses, wearing a brown suede jacket and carrying a backpack and a magical gourd. Spike is in his black T shirt and jeans.

"How was it?" asks Fred.

Spike puts both hands up in the air like a referee signaling a touchdown and says, "I'm full of love." Then, he *runs* out of the room and up the stairs.

"How are you?" Angel asks Wes.

"Alive. Barely."

"Hard Spell?" Angel inquires.

"Two hundred mile drive home. Spike rapped all the way. Fairly certain he's not the real Slim Shady."

Cut to Spike upstairs in shower singing along with CD player. "Momma, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet."

End of teaser

We see Gunn in the basement of W&H. He is all sneaky and powerful looking--and up to something. What's he up to? I can't see. Oh. Wow. He's banging Lilah up against a wall.

Back to Wes in Hotel office. He is on the phone and angry. "Someone better have a answer for this." Pause. "I've had enough. Transfer all the Watchers Diaries, Slayer Records and the Chronicles on Immortality here." Pause. "Just the Methos volumes." Fade.

Wes--explaining the screw up to Angel and Fred. "The ritual was designed for newly called Slayers. It works in that mindset."

"So what?" Angel asked. "Spike thinks he is 16. How can you tell the difference?"

"Well, our Spike," Wes begins to whisper, "Was kind of a late bloomer. And adolescent males tend to be more immature anyway. So he's more like 12 or 13. Just be extra patient with him. It will wear off in a day. The spell got to me, too. I feel about 45....and I'm very stiff."

Later on that day: Cut to Spike, in his room. He stands in front of a mirror shirtless, wearing orange windbreaker pants that hang below the white boxers (are they Angel's?) that are barely on his hips. On the dresser is a bottle of Tangaray, orange juice and a pack of Kools. His amulet hangs from a thick, fake gold chain and the outer edges of it are covered with fake gold paint. Spike is practicing flipping the bird with both hands and making gang signs. Wes walks in.

"Your amulet," he says and looks at it surprised, "it's....fancy"

"It's my bling bling." Spike replies, looks down and runs his finger over the edge, "but the gold keeps chipping off."

"The other slayers will be very jealous."

"I'm not a slayer," Spike starts to yell. "Slayers are girls. And no one wants *this*. No one else needs it to live." He sighs then adds very softly, "I'm just a freak."

Wes reassures him, "Spike, you're very special. But you're not a freak. No one here thinks you're a freak."

"Angel does," Spike says quietly.

"I happen to know that Angel cares deeply for you." Wes adds, "I was there the night Buffy called to say you had died. He was very upset."

"Well.....he should have been."

Wes continues, "And everyone else here cares about you too."

Spike, back in gangsta mode now, "Yo, your friends don't even *know* me."

"But I do. Spike, I've been a watcher for 10 years (Wes is exaggerating). I've been *your* Watcher for a month. I've never had a Slayer with more enthusiasm and potential than you."

"Really?" Spike says as his eyes light up.

"Yes, now come downstairs and I'll order you a pizza."

Cut back to Gunn--meeting with the big blue demons. Can't figure out what is going on but it is serious and probably evil.

Cut back to Spike, still ghetto-licious, walking into Hyperion with a chocolate lab puppy.

Angel stands up gestures with his arms, "No way."

"But he was tied up by the air compressor at the Citgo station all day with this rope around his neck really tight. It cut into him and left marks. He didn't have any water."

Angel voice raising, "No. This is a hotel. It is my home. Get that thing outside."

"Yo. He's not a thing, G," Spike yells back. "He's Pup Dawg. Just cause you have *issues* with puppies, don't be putting it off on *me*. He was helpless. Champions help the helpless, Angel. We live as the world should be, so that it might be, the way it used to be,......or something."

Fred is fawning over Pup Dawg. "We should at least find him a good home Angel."

Angel sighs. He does that a lot this season.

One hour later, the three blue demons Gunn has been talking to attack. Spike takes one out; Angel takes one out. Fred goes at the third with an axe. It hits Fred hard in the side. Fred slams into the wall. The axe flies out of her hand and slices Pup Dawg in two, as Angel and Spike watch. In an instant, Angel vamps out. He attacks the demon and snaps his neck with all the fury, rage and glory of Angelus. Spike kneels beside Pup Dawg and cries. The puppy makes a little whimper as it bleeds to death. Angel walks over.

Spike looks up with tears in his eyes. "Vamp him," he pleads.

"I can't Spike."

"I'll keep him chained up. I'll only walk him at night. Please, Angel."

Angel kneels beside Spike and quietly says, "It would damn him."

"We..we could get him a soul," Spike sobs as tears fall down his face.

"Even with a soul, Spike, he would still be damned."

Spike leans over, puts both arms around Angel and cries into his chest. "I can't keep anything I love."

Close up on Angel's face: We see it hit him. The realization: Connor. Buffy. Darla, Doyle, Cordy. Big tears in Angel's eyes.

**fake ep inspired by 8 Mile**

More Fake Spoilers---StVS (Spike the Vampire Slayer)

2003-06-02T23:29:02Z

So I'm watching Highlander and Duncan is building a dojo. I ask sisabet, "What's a dojo?"

She says, "It that place where Duncan is sparring with Methos and Methos is all 'women are bad' then Duncan puts that sword to his neck. Like a karate gym."

Fake Spoiler Cut
OK, so Spike and Angel are sparring in the basement shirtless. Wes watches. Spike rubs a towel over his face and says, "You know, its so dank in here. I want a dojo."

Angel says, "What?"

"To train. Angel, build me a dojo."

Wes comments, "Hmm, interesting idea..."

Angel answers, "I'm not building him a dojo." He turns and points at Spike, "You've been alive a 150 years. You've trained for Exactly. One. Day. You don't need a dojo. Hit the bag"

Spike explains, "Angel, that was before I was chosen, ok. One boy in all the world blah, blah, blah. I need a dojo."

Angel getting mad, "Spike. YOU WERE NOT CHOSEN. Shut up and hit the bag."

"I have an amulet that begs to differ."

Angel responds, "Oh Yeah. That shiny ovary that hangs around your neck and is the source of your womyn power."

Spike yells,"Do Not Mock My Woman Power. It will fuck your shit up." (edited for TV of course)

Angel starts to leave. Wes pulls him aside and says, "Angel, I know Spike can be very trying, but it is important that *you* remain focused. The slayer need to train with a vampire."

Off screen, Spike hollers, "Yeah, keep my bloody ass alive, will ya."

Wes takes a deep breath and continues, "Spike, drink your water." Turns back to Angel, "He has a point. He needs a place to train and dojos are quite nice."

Angel walks over and slowly and repeatedly bangs his head against the wall.

The Fake Angel Script

2003-06-02T20:04:01Z

Thanks to everyone who commented on my journal yesterday. Kinda makes me feel like I need to write more AU thoughts. Today on LJ: Spike quips, "Don't you get it, Mulder. You came back wrong." Hee hee

Ok, the fake AtS season 5.1 script--Cutting for the hell of it. This really had me excited yesterday because it was something I had never even considered. Spike the vampire slayer? WTF? But I started to see it and got excited.

I picture Spike with his feet up hanging out playing video games with Gunn. Angel comes up and wants Spike to do some work. Spikes tells Angel, "Hey, the slayer fights alone, man. You wouldn't understand." Angel rolls his eyes. Spike grabs the cheese nips and talks with his mouth full, "I gotta have ties to this world--help me stay alive."

Then Wes adds, "There is anecdotal evidence that bonding with others does prolong the slayer lifespan...well, that and prison. Seem to be equally effective."

Spike smiles and continues playing Nintendo, "I'm all about the mission."

Now Wes pulls Angel away (with his arm around him) and whispers, "Don't be too hard on him. Angel, it's important to me that this slayer not go evil."

Angel is like, "This is Spike. He isn't a real slayer. He's a shanshu screw up."
And Spike is all, "hey, I didn't ride the short bus to shanshu (TM Lum). And when was the last time you died to save the world?"

Angel gives up and sits down beside Spike on the couch. Spike looks over, bats his eyes and says, "Careful now. Last time you sat this close to a blond slayer, you lost you're soul."

What I've been thinking about.....

2003-06-01T07:34:28Z

There are two vids I can't stop thinking about. One is heresluck new Faith vid. If you haven't seen it, go get it now. I was floored by it. The other vid isn't available on line. I saw it on the WOAD Tape. It is "Bleed to Love Her" by Fleetwood Mac about Kirk/Enterprise, with Spock being the sacrifice. The vid was made by Killa and is amazing. I really can't stop thinking about it.

So I'm thinking about Spock's death and resurrection, then I started wondering what if Spock had been pulled out of Heeeaaven. Then, suddenly I see Spock, outside the magic box, telling Spike, "I was torn out, by my friends." Then I realized, you could retell the whole BtVS season 6-7 story with Spock in place of Buffy. The Scoobies do the spell wrong, Spock comes back. Can't you see the look of wonder and awe on Spike's face as he watches Spock walk down the stairs? Because why is Spock in Buffy's house. Then, can't you see the end of the musical--Spock sings to Spike "this isn't real but I just want to feel." It really gets to me when poor depressed Spock starts working at the Doublemeat Palace and Spike comes in and says, "Spock, you're better than this. Come with me now."

I've never thought of Spock as sexy, but visualizing the balcony scene with Spock holding the rail upstairs at the Bronze as Spike breathes "make me" into his ear is pretty hot. All season, we know something is wrong with Spock, but I never realized how seriously messed up he was until he is in the alley, wailing on Spike, giving him the You-don't-have-a-soul-There-is-nothing-good-or-clean-in-you-You-can't-feel-anything-real-You-are-dead-inside-I-could-never-be-your-vulcan speech.

Most of the year, Spock would wear his Star Trek uniform, with a few notable exceptions: a snazzy leather and denim number for "Smashed," the DMP uniform and the bathrobe. Spock with a bruised right thigh looks up at Xander, tears in his eyes and he says, "he tried." Now at this point, the Spike/Spock ship is sunk for some. Others are just puzzled. People for years will debate "Why didn't Spock do the pinchy shoulder thing sooner?" and "Why wasn't Spike in vamp face when he tried to rape Spock?" and "Why is ME marketing a Spike/Spock shipper T-shirt?"

Willow goes evil. Spike gets a soul. Season 7 starts. If I were writing this a fanfic, a lot of people would say my Spock voice is wrong. I would remind them that this Spock has been pulled out of heaven, had a year of serious depression, then an epiphany; therefore, he is quite different. Plus, season 7 Spock is a pediatrician. Giles and Willow go all over the world to bring him critically ill potential slayer babies. Spike is insane in the hospital basement (I have the spot picked out). Wood is the cardiovascular surgery fellow.

Spike and Spock work together. On line, the fans debate. Some say Spock is falling in love with Spike, other say no, Spike is his friend. Spock doesn't show a lot of emotion around Spike. What really makes me mad are the fans calling Spock a bastard for not being Spike's boyfriend. Spock has been nothing but kind to Spike all season. He obviously feels something for Spike. Giles confronts Spock multiple times about his feelings for Spike. Eventually, Spock spend a sweet night in Spike's arms.

Suddenly, I realize that in episode 21, Kirk returns. My heart starts to flutter. Really. Because I am so excited for Spock. And there is no question, Spock is leaving with Kirk. Poor Spike, even with the soul he doesn't stand a chance. Spike shared something deep and meaningful with Spock, something that can't be summarized in cute one word titles like "spuffy" or "spander." Can't be summarized for alphabetical and intellectual reasons.

Thinking about this made me wonder if I was secretly wanting a B/A ending. Nahh. Kirk never left Spock. Kirk never turned around like Angel and walked out on me....walked out on Buffy, I mean. Kirk + Spock = OTP, but Spike and Spock are kinda hot. I think this proves that I'll ship anyone with Spike. I wonder if he ever met up with Jim Rockford in the 70's.

ETA: "Bleed to Love Her" vid was made by T.Jonesy and Killa.

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