El leproso con la campana de oro

Pursuit of happiness.

2013-02-08T23:08:48Z

The happiest and healthiest life is the most multifaceted. That's what I've always believed, even if I revere more than anyone those who specialize in a certain body of thought or field and have the ultimate scholarship and expertise in their area. I was driving my sister to school yesterday morning during an introspective attack, and I guess now that I'm well again (yay!), my mind is in hyperactive mode and needs to be calmed down so that it can actually focus more on studying and less on thinking about all the possibilities in the future. I annoy myself with how much I delve into it, so it must get tiring to read all the manifestations of my never-ending introspection.

It just feels like there are too many facets of this world to explore for me to simply become complacent doing one thing. I have my goal set and, as far as I know, it's sticking, but I can't be anywhere outside of class without questioning whether or not I'll be happy in the future. I don't know why I feel so rushed, either... there's so much to take in. There's an immense amount of reading to do in history, needless to say, as well as writing, so I need to calm it down and absorb instead of evoke so many situations. Lately, some of the subjects and fields I've always had a deep appreciation for have been calling for me again, such as political science and economics... and I think about how I'd have more of a direct type involvement with those fields instead of just doing research that will end up being revised and shelved with everyone else's findings, but the careers of each just aren't for me. I love, love, love discussing political and economic theory and material beyond the fundamentals of each, but I don't want to become a lawyer, broker, statistician, financial analyst, etc. And studying much of history pretty much encompasses both, so I guess I chose the winner's route in my head. I just don't want to feel like I missed out on so much that I would have loved and contributed to for something in which I could end up being mediocre. I get apprehensive thinking about how much research could impact my livelihood in the future, and my writing skills academically never felt up to par; I feel like I write better here, but it's not like this matters for those who want to employ me or be my colleagues. The only solution I have in my head is to get over it and and start reading, interpreting, and writing until those are practically the only verbs I can correctly execute anymore.

I was also starting to deeply regret changing my broadcasting concentration to a speech communication concentration for my mass communications major, but it seems that the administration never actually made the switch, so I have nothing to really worry about. What made me switch was the thought that speech communication would be a great supplement to a future professor, but advantageous as it could be, I feel like I'm not doing myself much justice as a double-major and picking up a true back-up plan for all the debt I'll have to generate in the future. My speaking skills already thankfully impress, but I know they pale in comparison to how I can write, and obviously, I'm not entirely confident in that either. I'm just afraid of not being distinct and respectable, and so I go into this deep-thought funk about how I can fix that before it's too late, and I realize that a certificate or degree for my speech won't do much, so I'm not going to go for that.

The other reason I switched the concentration at the end of last semester was because, as someone who changed from business administration to mass communications, with most classes not exactly correlating, I felt like I was being dumped with a lot of radio bias because of my professor who manages the college's station instead of exploring all the mediums first. He's incredible and I only hope I can make it to the same level of expertise and experience as him in my future academic career, so he's not the problem, but instead the atmosphere I feel when I'm around people who are in the broadcasting track and involved in the college's radio station. There's also a problem regarding my activity with the station, and that's my personal setback of saying I'm going to do something, but chickening out a lot. This is a big issue when it comes to something that involves a lot of people, not just myself. It even trickles down to individual promises; if I have a lot of time to get to it, I will most likely use all of it before fulfilling what someone else wants. That's the only time I don't rush, sadly. If it contains a large group, I feel less motivated to act unless I'm the leader and I know more than everyone else. The only school clubs I've been involved in have consisted of me saying I'd get to something, then be half-assed or even cop out, and it's shameful. The reason I've been that way is because they've all been recreational and nothing significant, but I don't want that to be indicative of behavior for real projects in the future nor representative of me not being able to keep my word and be accountable. I'm too stuck in my own mind and motives. I could write a novel about this issue, and I practically have with all these entries in which I've questioned myself, but it has to get to a point where it's just enough. Where I act. Where I'm happy. Where I don't feel like I'm missing out and don't have to feel like I need full control.

Along with the radio bias, I got an opportunity to sit in front of a staff meeting for a pretty well-known and high-audience radio station around the region. It was very awkward and unprofessional, since they had to pretend that there wasn't a small auditorium of people listening to them go about their operations, but did so in all the wrong ways. They weren't speaking into the microphone most of the time, they didn't seem very astute, one of them was shamelessly texting and chewing gum in front of us while the rest of the panel was laughing about how he does it in all the meetings, and it was way too laid back for my liking. I don't even listen to the radio stations around here very often, as they honestly consists of very ordinary people talking about the most asinine topics and not expressing themselves very well. I learn nothing and just wait for music to play. I think all of this frustration would go away if I didn't live in a place that was so fucking quiet and full of people who just don't seem to move at a mobile pace like I want to. I clearly wasn't an adult back then and didn't have all these worries, but had I been able to stay in New York, I don't think I would have developed into this neurotic person whom I feel I am. I'd feel like everything was at my disposal and that all of my actions wouldn't just be time fillers, such as driving to my job of the routine assets protection for five hours each shift, four days a week. I wouldn't have to sit in class with material that I'm interested in but that almost no one else seems to care about, thus making me virtually (or sometimes actually) the only person in the class participating. I know I'm privileged to live in a nice house now (despite all the problems that just having moved here caused and still causes), have my own car, go to a university, etc., but just having those is not what should make someone happy, so I resent when people feel that one should act complacent just by virtue of having these standard parts of life in an industrialized society. No. I won't live here forever, I won't continue having most of my days in silence out of lack of enthusiasm for anything being discussed, and I won't feel like I'm not enough in whatever I take part in.

Journalism keeps coming back to me too, which is why I'm sticking with broadcasting. I'll be taking television classes in due time, though I fear that if I decide to go into journalism instead of academia, I'd either become a writer for a struggling online publication or one of those annoying-as-all-motherfucking-Hell morning show anchors who smiles at everything, says a sentence or two about sad news, and then gives about five minutes of attention to a story about some animal that can do a cool trick. There's always radio, too, but you'd have to have something always on hand instead of reading from a teleprompter. College radio isn't usually that serious, though. Most people do music shows because it's easiest, and I'll probably start with the same format just to get used to the radio setting, then alternate it at any time I choose to. Too many options, really...

This is basically a list that could grow as long as it needs to that touches on what I want in a life that would give me some sense of fulfillment:

-Mastery of the languages I know (Spanish and English) in written and oral form. I fare well with both, I think, especially in comparison to a vast amount of people in my demographic, but not enough for my own standards.

-At least relative financial security. Striving to be a professor is pretty much aiming for middle class at the very most, and I don't mind that. I would prefer comfort over luxury when it comes to assets, especially if what I have won't take from what I do and love.

-An emotionally sound life without children, preferably with someone whom I'd know as the love of my life. This one's hard for me to admit, because as self-sufficient as I've made myself and am proud to be, I know how much I want motivation and exclusive love from someone who'd be there for me for many years. And I'm not trying to offend the cool LJ moms who are friends with me by barring children, but I swear that as I spend every day inside and outside of my house, I can't deal with the thought of having lifelong dependents. My little brother and sister are the closest I'll come to having children, in a great sense, as I've spent a lot of time educating them and helping them develop, and that's more than enough for me.

-A name in my career. As it looks right now, it will have to be through prowess in teaching (university), speech (conferences), and writing (research).

-Dynamic work experience. Being only 21 and having worked since I was 16, I've only had experience in retail as a cashier, an electronics employee, an assets protection specialist (my current job at the time of this entry's submission), and a houseman in hospitality. Not exactly what I'm putting in my future CV, but being in each position has shown me a lot, and before I go off to possibly be in school for the rest of my life, I want some more fields to test. I will pretty much have to get a second job once the weather becomes nicer again anyway, since my hours are set at 20 and can't really increase unless undesirable events for someone else happen. Don't really want to go into meaningless part-time work affairs here.

-Some sort of community involvement, which also helps me become more extroverted and speak to more people who aren't like me. I mentioned the Monroe County Historical Association before, but I hadn't gotten an e-mail from them and I think I'll visit them next week and talk... it's just that with all the studying and reading I have to do this semester, I have to use my free time to keep up.

And speaking of, with the fact that I finally got all of this out of my mind, I really should get to that. As is the case most of the time anymore, this entry was more for my reflection. I appreciate you reading all of this if you did, but as it should be 100% of the time, there is no obligation to comment. I'm only saying that because I feel like I've written these types of entry too many times now. It's my own journal and this is clearly what it's for, but maybe it's just the fact that I'm getting sick of feeling this way that makes me feel sick of documenting that.

Time to go. Here's a beautiful song that encapsulates how I'm feeling.

R E V O L U T I O N.

2013-01-08T17:10:45Z

It just deserves its own post. I barely know what to say.

I say this with a half-joking tone: the quality of my happiness hasn't been the same since I stopped playing Pokemon two years ago. Some of you share the same sentiment with me when I say that Pokemon is a little bit more than a subculture or childhood fandom. I mean, I used to spend whole summers training teams, EV Training, finding out about all the mechanics of the game (people who think it's for children really have no idea what they're talking about), posting on Pokemon forums and communities, etc.

And it's weird, because I knew that I would never leave the fandom, but for the past two years, I haven't even tried to keep up. It was because around the time that Black and White came out, I wasn't doing too wonderfully in school and didn't want to be distracted. It helped a lot, but I constantly feel like I'm supposed to be doing something that I love with my free time that doesn't require exercise (which I already do) and reading (which I'm not doing enough of).

I won't get Black or White (or Black 2/White 2... what the hell), but Pokemon Y, absolutely. Reasons being because I see Gen V as filler and also because they have done no justice to my Poison-types. I feel like a Fire-type fan during Gen IV (except they got Magmortar, and that compensates much more than they give it credit for). Please, please, please, please give us a Poison-type Legendary. Not that I used Legendaries, but FFS, we have Bug-type Legendaries now and way too many Psychic ones. I just want redemption.

Nothing will surpass Drapion, though. And I know one of you is well on his way to typing some serious shade already. You've been dragged several times this week. KEEP IT CUTE.

Time to save up for a 3DS XL and this game. My grades and finances for Fall 2013 are DONE.

Also, it's so weird writing out "Pokemon" because I feel guilty for not respecting its true spelling like I do anything that has an accent... but it's the fault of Spanish, because writing it as "Pokémon" sounds so Jamaican in my head ("POHK EH [emphasis] MON"), and if I were to give it any respect with an accent, I'd just write it as Pókemon, as it's aligned in pronounciation with my Spanish tongue and the English and Spanish way of saying it, but that wouldn't really fly, so I go with the boring, anglicized version. I should just write out PKMN, it looks so much more fandom-esque. /out-of-the-blue bilingual problems

LA MÚSICA DE MI VIDA.

2012-08-01T05:36:08Z

I used to sleep at around 10:00 P.M. when I was younger, but ever since moving to this house a few years ago, I habitually can't sleep until 1-2 A.M., and of course, listening to music or ~~watching porn~~ browsing the Internet until I get tired have usually been the ingredients to doze me off. I don't read as much anymore, mainly because my interest in a lot of books has just waned lately. There are some specific ones I'll be getting soon, so that'll be changed.

Anyway, for some reason, I can't go one night without listening to one, two, or all three artists in the Holy Trinity of my iTouch: Carla Morrison, Ximena Sariñana, and Alex Ferreira. Night time is so quiet and is the only time I can truly be as introspective as my nature calls for me to be, so I listen to the music that speaks to me the most, the type that soothes me when everything gets so overwhelming (this is the reason I can't sleep so early anymore) and that makes me feel... like I know no words and like I don't have to think anymore. The three of them provide that for me.

Carla:

(This one is basically my only relationship written into a song, so I can appreciate every syllable sung.)

Ximena:

Alex:

It seriously makes my day when I remember that they're all friends. Ximena and Carla are both Mexican artists, and they don't have a song together, but they're relatively close, and Carla was featured in one of Ximena's music videos. As you can see by the last song posted, Ximena and Alex worked together on a song for his LP, and I hope that won't be the only one. And about two months ago, Carla tweeted Alex about how much she loves his music. And speaking of, I'm so excited for September, when his actual full-on album, El Afán, will come out. Un Domingo Cualquiera is really good and has enough songs to pass as a full album (13), but it's known as an LP. I don't even know...

I don't know why I get so happy thinking about them being so well-acquainted. I guess this is how people get with Madonna and Britney, Gaga and Lana, Whitney and Michael, etc. I feel like I actually know these young artists through their songs because their songs seem to know me. I feel like a new student who found the lunch table he desperately wants to sit in, but is too shy to approach, lol.

I've never gone to a concert that wasn't my brother's crappy garage band, but I definitely want to go to a show of at least one of the three people listed here. I'm so glad they're young and really invested in their music, and I'm in love with their personalities in interviews, too. Ximena is pretty solemn and very serious about her music and being in entertainment. Alex is such a Dominican, it kills me. He's very comedic, and I'm attracted to him. Carla is the cutest: her singing voice is like a child's, and she's very intelligent, positive, and punk rock meets Hello Kitty. Any single song of hers can lift my mood, no matter how terrible of a day I'm having.

Ximena's music makes me delve into my deepest thoughts, Alex' makes me feel free, and Carla's soothes the hell out of me.

I swear I feel more connected to these people than I do to almost anyone I know in real life. I want to be their friend so bad, it's ridiculous...

Writer's Block: Grammy Awards

2012-02-12T15:59:11Z

Totaled.

2011-11-14T23:29:04Z

My brother totaled my car this morning. It was 5:55 A.M. and I woke up to my mom freaking out over the phone, I heard "arbol" and "acidente," and thought my dad was in an accident... then saw that my dad was inside the house, getting ready. I rushed out with him.

Thankfully it was in my neighborhood, a minute-or-so drive from my house. He hit a tree; he was apparently accelerating (for whatever reason), and the steering wheel... locked? That's what he says. I don't know how the hell that happened, but yeah... my car is no more. It was FUCKED. UP. The front tire was shot (there goes the $300 I spent on the tires), so we had to physically push the car off the road and put it to the side. It's back on the driveway now, since my dad changed the tire and was able to drive it back.

My brother's thankfully fine. He went to the hospital with my mom, and I broke down after I called them to check up on how they were. Family and hospital... don't mix them, or I will lose the control I try my hardest to uphold. But before that, I talked to Jacob and talked about it, how this weekend was more than likely not gonna happen, started crying over the phone (which I NEVER do, much less cry to anyone who's not family).

Everything's fine now. My brother's more than okay, and my grandfather is going to let me borrow his car, so I'm going to see Jacob after all. Oh, and I drove the highway twice this week: it's been so easy so far. My parents are apparently going to buy me a new car; my mom will put it on her credit card, and I'll just have to pay her, I'm sure. I'm more than okay with it. It sucks how much I invested in that car, though, and how I became broke because of it... then this happens. But that's not important at the moment.

My parents weren't mad at all, naturally, since their son could have been gone. I felt nothing for hours because everything was coming at once. I could have lost my brother and my best friend. That's the thought that ran through my mind when I started asking how he was over the phone, thus losing it. He was pretty shook up when I ran to him this morning, and when I hugged him, he started crying a little bit. I've always been extremely close with all my siblings... I would sacrifice myself for them without question, and I'm admittedly not a completely selfless person. I love them so much. Same with my parents, no matter how we get along.

I always use this icon for negative entries.

Writer's Block: Reading corner

2011-11-13T14:08:22Z

Overall, non-fiction. I love memoirs, sociological books (mainly those that look into advertising, branding, marketing, consumer culture), and any book that informs and opens up a new perspective after reading it. It's actually kind of a seasonal thing, I've realized... in the summer, I enjoy non-fiction more. I like to learn on my own time, and with topics that interest me and are related to what I'd like to do in the future. When school goes on, however, I read a lot more fiction. Perhaps it's a form of escapism, discovering and focusing on some fictional character's life and point of view instead of having to worry about how busy I am. It's why reading Harry Potter in the summer just isn't the same for me as reading it in the winter.

Free means free.

2011-10-24T02:28:38Z

I don't hide myself for a single person, no matter who you are.

Let that shit be known.

Writer's Block: Study break

2011-10-23T02:21:47Z

This is a difficult question. It's a multi-tie (that sounds funny) between a few classes: French II in 10th grade, 20th Century American History in 10th grade, Modern World History in 11th, Speech Communication in my first semester of college, or World Geography in my fall 2010 semester.

French II had my favorite teacher, Mrs. Verwey. I actually just saw her today at Target, and I remember sitting with her for an hour outside of school, just talking. And several other occasions. I wrote her a card filled on BOTH sides on the last day of my senior year, explaining how much I appreciated her, loved her, etc. She was probably my first female teacher crush, lmao.

20th Century American History was perfect. Mr. Frounfelker makes me smile so much, he was the most adorable thing. And his laugh, I'm laughing just thinking about it. He was extremely down-to-earth and so fun to talk to. I bit him in the shoulder one morning, for whatever reason possesed the hell out of me at that time, and he kind of laughed about it. I mean, I actually BIT HIM IN THE SHOULDER. I THINK IT WAS A DARE OR SOMETHING, IDEFK OR REMEMBER.

Modern World History was one of my favorites too. Mrs. Hubler was so pretty, but got pregnant... all of the teachers who've gotten pregnant are the ones that everyone hates but I love/get along with best, I've just realized. But yeah, learning about medieval history, going on a field trip to a medieval times center (where we got really good free food, were able to hang out with friends, saw real swords and medieval antiques, and saw a bunch of hot guys fighting, YES), the Enlightenment, the Renaissance, etc... it was all so nice. I enjoyed it a lot. Then we started to talk about Europeans coming in and taking everyone's land, as usual. Boring and annoying.

Speech Communication! John Tindell is one of the best professors in the world, hands-down. Extremely friendly guy, wonderful Film Society advisor, and makes the class the most enjoyable and enlightening thing you'll have in your semester, period. Not to mention that my class was legitimately perfect, from being with frostbittenx and chibi_cheetah to slaying the hell out of the presentations and being an attention-gathering student in the class, I loved it. Oh, and my first HUGE college crush was there. Sigh, that went down flat... but J.P. is so charming. *reminisces dreamily*

World Geography, a night class (which I love). Professor Wendt is the most male-model-looking professor I've ever had, and one of the most intelligent too. He's the leanest, skinniest man I've seen with these nice blue eyes, high cheekbones, and scholarly look which counteracted his dark humor (which I also loved). He was born in California, lived in India for four years (I always enjoyed the hell out of his stories), The Netherlands for two, and moved to hinky-dink Stroudsburg to be with his wife. His entire life is just as intriguing as his class. I was the most participative and the most awake in that class, and he and I really connected very well in a student-teacher way. Of course, I was fixated with him, LOL, but it was controlled. I see him at Target every once in a while, and we're good acquaintances. I remember how I saw him before I left on my last day of the Spring 2010 semester (which I thought would be my last at NCC), and he stopped me and talked to me about how much he enjoyed my input, how it was a real pleasure knowing me, etc. Basically, I melted and smiled the entire car ride home. EEK. Oh, I've been talking about him and how we got along this entire paragraph... the class was engaging and I LOVE learning about the world. And you know once we got to the Latin American section (which he was actually was the least familiar with), me and the other few Hispanics in that room SLAYED.

I'm at work, I've been working all weekend and am a day ahead in my mental schedule. I thought yesterday was Saturday, and I'm in my Sunday chill mood... yet I've to work 9:30 to 3 at Target tomorrow (they've been cutting my hours like it's no one's business since September) and 3:30 - 9 here at Hampton. The past two days, it's been 11:30 - 4 and 4:15 - 11. I JUST WANNA RELAX A LITTLE BIT.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

draion @ 2011-10-14T07:44:00

2011-10-14T11:44:20Z

I'll be independent one day.

curses Russians that aren't soldier_of_zaft

2011-08-01T01:26:37Z

I just want to make a little entry saying that I'll get to all your wonderful comments from my previous entry when I have more time. I'm actually at work right now (lololololol what ethic, I know), but with LiveJournal being down like crazy lately and my very busy work schedule, I'll try to find the time to give back the elaborate comments that you guys left. You guys are the reason I'm addicted to this site, really.

A little preview of how busy I've been these past two days:

Target yesterday = 11 A.M. - 5 P.M.
Hampton yesterday = 5:30 P.M. - 10 P.M.

Then I woke up at 3 A.M. today (been up since) and went to Target at 8 A.M. - 4:30 P.M., and Hampton 5 P.M. until 10 P.M. tonight (where I obviously am now). I put my body through too much, especially with how much I've been working out again, but I secretly love it because it means I'm working hard.

Tomorrow, I should be seeing Jacob, though. Uber excited about that. <3

I will reply to you amazing people soon.

Gender identification, expression, and stratification.

2011-07-26T22:23:45Z

Another update that isn't necessarily about my life! And a public one too. It's one of those pensive entries where your thoughts on the subject would be even more valued than usual (which is already a lot on its own).

I was "zoning through" toys at Target ("zoning" meaning that all the products needed to be aligned, and the aisles had to be made presentable), and I just stopped and rambled to some co-workers about how gender stratification starts without us even realizing it.

I was going through the girls' toys, and of course I saw the baby dolls. The girls are made to be maternal, that's how society trains them to be: as domesticated as possible. But I saw three toys that almost... for lack of a better word, appalled me. A toy broom, a toy grocery cart, and a toy laundry basket. It's ridiculous how girls are made to be subservient from the very beginning, while boys have their testosterone levels amped up before they even realize that they have it via destructive toys like guns, G.I. Joes, and the like.

Even when I was a child, I was never super huge on toys. My toy rewards were the latest versions of the Power Rangers Megazords, but the ABSOLUTE MOST IMPORTANT TOY TO ME... is my Woody doll. In fact, let me get a picture.

I used to carry him around, bathe him, "feed" him, and call myself his father. I had a paternal instinct, which was kind of against the attitude that boys' toys were meant to induce into me. I guess I was always a "softie," as they say. But what would entail me being necessarily "soft?" Clearly, the social construct of gender gives us expectations of how boys and girls should be before we even get to know them, which acts as the catalyst for sexism and misogyny.

What were you guys like? Well, most of you are girls. Were you like society wanted you to be? Were you a tomboy, or the boy who liked to play with dolls and didn't care for what the other boys played with?

Oh, and one thing that's come about these gender-allocated days in my mind has been my frustration with Hollywood superheroes. I've pretty much realized that Wonder Woman is the best superhero of them all, and you will deal. Even if you don't think so, she's very respected, revered, notable, etc. SO WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T SHE HAVE A MOVIE!? I heard that one was in the works, but this is terribly overdue. We've had a million Batmans, Supermans, we're getting a SECOND Spider-Man (barf @ Andrew Garfield), an Iron Man (don't care for it), a Green Lantern (I know that the black one is the third one in the lineage, but ugh, please...), fucking Thor (do not want), etc. I heard that Ant-Man was getting a movie. WHO THE FUCK IS THAT!?

...YET WONDER WOMAN HASN'T GOTTEN A MOVIE YET!? Okay.

Also, on the topic of gender, I'm completely entranced by this guy, who underwent a female-to-male transition:

If he walked into a room and I didn't have Jacob... wow. I'd seriously melt.

I have no more to say. This entry had more structure in my head, but since I don't really write these out before I type them, it totally left me.

Abstract thought.

2011-05-26T14:50:18Z

To counter the constant negativity about my personal life in my journal, I figured it's time to post about something that's been on my mind for some time now. This may turn into a really long post, a moderate one, or one where I've left out many things that were on my mind (as is the case with most of my entries), but I feel the need to document it somewhere. I don't have statistics, and I don't have textbooks to have legitimate support for what I want to discuss, but I do have observation, intuition, and I'm surrounded by it. I want to talk about the condition of over-industrialization.

I haven't lived in Dominican Republic for as long as I would have liked to (if it were up to me, I'd have moved here in my teen years), but living in America and having a separate culture to compare it to has shown me one very evident notion: money comes first here. It is all about money. It's about bureaucracy. It's about socioeconomic class. It's about what you want and disregarding what you have, and also disregarding what you're capable of having. It's about being able to do anything you want with the thought in mind that there is nothing that can stop you from getting there, and in that mindset you ignore the harsh realities of taxes, of credit, of interest, of loans, and all those financial burdens that each one of us are basically forced to have. Perhaps in a place like Iceland, Sweden, Denmark, or those really happy countries, all your finances really do function idealistically, but while I live here in America, money is the burden and the weakness. I fucking HATE money, in case you guys didn't know. I think anyone who gloats about the amount of money they have is really not going about living a personally fulfilled life, covering the complex depths of this world like they should. They just think that money will take them everywhere that any human being needs to be, and some people can make that a reality. If they worked very hard for it, then by all means, they should reap the benefits they've made for themselves. But when money becomes the object and not the tool, I think something's very wrong.

There are three words that I have a lot of resentment toward, and they're very common. You hear them all the time, so you have to get used to them. They are "price," "pay," and "discount." Each one of them carries such a weight of self-interest and I really can't fucking stand it. I will sound like the most rampant hippie and typical college-age know-it-all archetype saying this, but money is the root of all evil. Almost everything terrible has to do with money. I rarely hear of a man-brought tragedy that entails the death of innocent people that didn't have some sort of monetary aspect to it. Slavery, war (although there are many reasons related to them, needless to say), drug cartels, political corruption, and I'm sure there's a much longer list. I'm just tired of seeing socioeconomic conflict everywhere and people not giving a shit about each other.

Maybe this is just the ranting of a boy who's had it with retail and with the topic of money really ruining his home life, but at this point, I need some sort of release. I feel good writing this. I'm sure I'm ignorant in some points and probably don't even know what I'm talking about in others, but I can't be the only person who feels this way. Customers will fight through their teeth to get a lowered price on anything, no matter how much inconvenience it causes any party involved (say, a cashier, a retailer, etc.). And producers are certainly no less self-involved. Way back when it was the age of cavemen and cavewomen, I don't exactly think that getting a $12.49 battery pack for $3.59 because it was misplaced where the $3.59 batteries belonged was such an issue for them. You'd think that past the point of survival, an intelligent species would finally learn how to use its resources and really create an almost ideal society (which is NOT a hard concept to come up with, but instead impossible because of humanity's innate corruption and greed due to this rapid increase of industrialization), but look at the world now. There are still genocides, there is still hunger even with the abundant resources on this planet (which go to waste more times per day than I'd even like to measure), still racism, still prejudice, still bullying, still utter and complete misunderstanding for those that we share the planet with (like species or otherwise), and it's beyond me how people as a whole are so incredibly... STUPID.

The industrialized society benefits those that are hard-working and intelligent, or just plain lucky. If you know how to function around it and work through the system, then you should be fine so long as all works well (with your level of optimal economic choices and the government in which you live, as well as other factors considered). But even in the system itself, people are just too entranced by their fantasies and disregard what they can and cannot have. Why am I getting a million people calling me about the new iPad when I'm sure that a good amount of those people are probably struggling or behind on their mortgages, or bitching about how they have to take care of the kids that they've chosen to create? I once, against my own control, gave a very disdainful look to a woman who told me she was buying an iTouch for her 8-year-old's birthday. I immediately felt sorry for the girl, being given something so advanced so early, which will probably cause her to join the group of ignorant people who haven't spent enough time reading and examining the world before going off and taking the modern manifestations of its progress. They become entrenched with the latest bullshit, and don't really question anything.

I am not a member of the Peace Corps. I am not helping with Sudan. I am not heavy into recycling. I do not pray. I rarely donate. I am not a saint or a monk. I know this. I know that I am an ant to this society just as anyone else may be, but even with that in mind, I try to be as considerate as possible to the people I encounter. Whether I see you every single day or will only see you once in my life, I will respect you and be nice to you. It's unfortunate to say I'd be naive and frankly, stupid, to expect 100% reciprocation. There are some people I really aspire to be like in this world, and I consider myself really lucky because the people I've met offline and on have really made me feel like there are others who want a progressive turnover in their lifetime. There are a lot of parts of this world that I really love, and make me really value the earth I live in. The global public's attitude, though, really has me with some very mixed feelings.

Of course, this entry is oozing with hypocrisy too. I'm typing this from a Dell Inspiron 1545, I have a Droid 1 (at which people scoff at, because I didn't get the latest phone at the time of my upgrade... see what I mean?), I'm in the comfort of my own room on a nice day before heading off to work at Target in a few hours, and I'm looking for a couple of thousand dollars to borrow for school. If I were really 100% true to what I'm saying here, I'd sit out on the streets and avoid money completely. I'd be homeless. I'd beg for nothing and be incredibly nice to everyone I'd encounter, even if they'd be creeped by that random boy who appears homeless. I'd walk everywhere and stopped driving. But who would listen to me? Certainly less than those of you who have read this far. Industrialization really forces new essentials on you. I am careful not to call them "necessities," because even the most basic business class will show you the clear distinction between "needs" and "wants." We need food, shelter, and clothing. There are other needs too, such as love, affection, and sex. Business classes leave those out because they're relative, but health classes don't. I digress, though.

I'm not going to disregard many human accomplishments by saying that I'm completely disappointed in the world and that I don't want to be human. There's been a lot of progress made as a society, but it seems like modern-day people just don't acknowledge everything that they really should to make this world a better place to live in for themselves and for everyone else involved. It's all about getting there first, about getting the most and being in control. In the end, we're all going to end up six feet under and it'd be best to live a life of harmony, especially with the unpredictability of death. It obviously wouldn't matter how I'd feel if I were to die today, because I'd be dead, but if I were to hover over myself, I'd probably be pretty satisfied. I know that I'm not malicious and genuinely care to even the slightest degree about most of the people I come across. There's still so much I want to do in life and I'd really love to look at what I've done and feel completely fulfilled (and that would not be measured with money... EVER). I'll just keep striving, though, to keep being a good person and actually have an impact in some life or lives.

I think I'm finishing here. My train of thought was interrupted by some phone calls and favors asked of me, but I guess this is all pretty clear. I may be incredibly naive when it comes to the complexities of this world, especially when I hope that people could all just get along and stop thinking about themselves, but it doesn't bother me to be ignorant in that sense. If realism is coming to terms with the evils of this world, then I'll be willfully ignorant.

This is just an elaborate layout of what I think every single day.

Well, here goes.

2011-01-20T02:20:05Z

My lovely kurai007 reminded me that I haven't made one, so here it is: my official hiatus announcement. I'm going to stay away from this site because I LOVE IT TOO MUCH AND I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO FOCUS IF I LURK ON IT ALL SEMESTER.

The only social networking site I use that will be completely intact is my Twitter. Please follow me if you don't already! /self-plug

I'll be back on May 16th or around there, when the semester ends. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH, I'M SORRY.

Don't talk too much shit about me, xoxo.

Self-questioning.

2010-12-13T05:07:55Z

I'm on a little bit of a posting spree, and this is around finals time. Not exactly a good mix, but whatever. And this is yet another entry I'm keeping public, which rarely happens anymore for the non-Writer's Block entries. When was the last time I even did one of those? I guess it's unimportant.

Most of my friends here are around my age, some a bit older. How many times do you find yourself questioning the path you've made for yourself?

For some reason, I'm thinking about the Dorian several years ago who was very interested in being a History major, learning about so many of the gruesome and prosperous times of this Earth's life, willing to share that cultured knowledge with any eager student who reminded him of the way he was in class.

I also think about the Dorian who wanted to be a lawyer for a few years. To me, law is actually quite boring, but I have a certain appreciation for lawyers and people who have a passion or high interest in law.

Even the Dorian who wanted to be a news anchor at one point... good public speaking and speech make for good television presentation, right? I guess you really have to have that right, non-tentative attitude for it.

I sit in my World Geography class and am the most participatory and vocal student (as usual with any class in the humanities), and I remember how much I love learning about other cultures, and how enthralled I am by history. History majors don't get jobs, though. That's what everyone says, that's what my mind is compelled to think, and that's what my mother would say.

...What my mother thinks is pretty much the biggest reason why I'm in business, and I'm finally admitting that to myself. Don't get me wrong, I actually like business a lot, marketing in particular. I like talking about consumers and buying patterns, expectations and the way money functions. Talking about John Maynard Keynes and economic theory is really entertaining for me. It doesn't seem to be for many other people, but I really like it.

But then I think to myself, 'History and Political Science double-major, possible Journalism or Geography minor... that Dorian would have been really rich in knowledge,' it doesn't just pass as one thought. Not to say that I can't so rich in knowledge with my current track, but I think I'd have been happier doing that instead.

I'm not changing my major. I'm not changing the path I've made for myself, even if it wouldn't hurt me very much to change it. I'm not changing my mother's expectations, nor my own.

I really wish I could go back in time, though. There are so many opportunities in high school I passed up. I suppose that this age is meant to compensate for that, but it's a little hard when I feel like I'm running out of time and money all the time, even when I have a fair amount of both. I'm forced to pay bills, so even after working for two years, so much of my money has been sucked out to make my mother's life easier. I'm not trying to blame her, even if she largely could be at fault, I'm just saying... I feel like I was handed down some broken wings to fly with, not given the time to develop my own and soar majestically.

It's just 12:04 A.M. and I'm feeling a bit pensive. I guess this doesn't really mean anything. I just kind of wanted to materialize my regrets so that I can one day in the future have some sort of reference and think, 'Hey, you know what? I'm not doing too bad. I made the right choice.'

I still worry, though. I never let anyone know that. The problem is this: I'm not as smart as people think I am. At least, I don't feel that way. I'm not saying this to fish for compliments, I'm just trying to express my thoughts to see if it can help against feeling like a disappointment even in the smallest way. Maybe it's the wintertime getting to me, like it usually does when you're older and start to realize what stress really means.

I'd just like to be proud of my accomplishments one day, without thinking about how I could have been more glorious. I hope to everything that I'm not the only one who thinks like this.

...

2010-12-07T13:42:14Z

Am I the only one who feels like life hasn't truly started yet, or am I romanticizing the future too much?

Haven't done a meme in a while.

2010-06-10T13:05:51Z

-Anyone who looks at this entry has to post this meme and their current wallpaper on their LiveJournal.
-Explain in five sentences why you're using that wallpaper!
-Don't change your wallpaper before doing this! The point is to see what you had on!

1. Pre-Canada excitement, as well as viewing a Canadian member of fashin posting his hometown, Vancouver, instantly made me think, "MUST. FIND. BEAUTIFUL. LANDSCAPE. TO. STARE. AT. ALL. THE. TIME."

2. It's beautiful to look at. I was hoping to go there for my vacation, but Ontario is just as nice. CANADA FTW.

3. I've had it for weeks, and am keeping it because a Verizon technician, who was helping me connect to the Internet when it was going haywire, saw my screen and said that it was very nice.

4. LOOK AT THOSE LIGHTS.

5. LOOK AT THAT WATER.

Yeah, it's a bit hard to come up with five ~descriptive~ sentences about a city you've never been in/haven't really studied. Oh, well.

I BEST BE SEEING THIS ON Y'ALL JOURNALZZZZZ!!1!1!11!!

Writer's Block: Forget me not

2010-04-06T15:37:26Z

Definitely my arrival to this country. It was when I was almost five, and what I could remember is being on the plane with my grandmother, an aunt, and her baby daughter. The child vomited on the mom in the plane. LOL.

All I can remember afterward is getting in what I remember being a horse carriage, for some reason, but I'm sure it was a taxi, and seeing my mother, crying. Note, my mom lived in the U.S. without me until this moment (minus, you know, when she pushed me out of her vagina in the distant Dominican land, and up until I was 2-3, I believe). She was just crying, tearing, and bursting, and I was a four-year-old boy that was intrigued by the ninja toys from the 99-cent store she bought me. One had a black outfit, while the other one had a white one, and I'm sure I lost them days after.

It's really weird when I think about it. I forget that I essentially met my mom, not grew up to immediately call her that. My grandmother was my first mom.

But, yeah, before that, I can't remember a damn thing. DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, WHY SO UNSENTIMENTAL?

By the way, this new feature of each Writer's Block having a picture next to it is really tacky. Thank goodness it doesn't show here, on the actual entries.

Writer's Block: Job search

2009-10-13T18:06:43Z

LOL @ this being asked about a week ago. I'm going to combine the two Writer's Blocks that stood out to me the most into one entry. Anyway, I can barely stand my current job. I'm just a cashier in a retail grocery, and I could have it far worse, I know, but coping with the same idiotic and rude types of people all the time gets very tiring. I know I don't live in Hick Central, but sometimes it seems that way. Most of the people who cross through my doors are so damn trashy and unintelligent. It's always the same damn thing. "Oh, you've been waiting for me!? Hahaha!" I'm sick of the same lines, the same old men with giant guts and suspenders being used with T-shirts purchasing millions of cans of soda. Soda is bought a million times more than a book, and seeing that sold is rare. I step inside of my job and put up the front that I'm really happy to be there, and it works unbelievably well the the customers - hell, I'm the most well-received person in the front end. I get the best and the most positive comments, but I'm not appreciated by the managers there. They really don't care for me, and there's barely rapport with them. Every single day, I get more cynical because of how unbelievably primitive and rude people are, but I can't talk back to them. I'm good at hiding things, and I'm quite the actor, so I work well with what I have. I could say so much more, believe me, but I'm just not in the mood. All I know is that I've never hated a company more than the one I work for, and I'm not sure I will in the future either. I'm sick of being in a place I know I don't belong in. I would quit, but I have bills to pay. I would find another job, but I have to do that after my vacation, so that I have even more experience, and more money. I'm hoping to go into clothing next, and I would die if I could work at a bookstore (Borders, please!).

All I know is that I'm going to try to never get a job where I have to hear "Paper and plastic."

China III. It's a Chinese restaurant that's right next to my store. I go there every Wednesday with soldier_of_zaft, and frostbittenx or blackheart_dove whenever they're able to hop around. I order one thing: small chicken fried rice, without onions. It's customary, and I sometimes cheat my oh-so healthy diet by visiting the place more than once a week. It's a family store, and they are such hard workers, and I really do love seeing them. The young guy at the front is pretty cool with me, and I think what may be his girlfriend or sister is SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING ADORABLE! I just want to have a little version of her in my pocket! <3 She's SO cute. I never leave the place without saying goodbye, or telling them to have a nice day. I won't get hefty either; I always work those calories off, or limit my diet if I've eaten their [amazing] chicken fried rice. I love them SO much. Before I go off to transfer to [most likely] IUP, I'm going to go over there and thank them for their business and their amazing food. They're so lovely.

Erm.

2009-08-26T23:27:24Z

That is all.

Writer's Block: Decision Time

2009-08-25T12:40:18Z

The problem with me is that I don't look for guidance. I usually rely on myself, because I believe in my first instinct, and learning from it if it was wrong. That usually creates stress (like I've undergone recently about the whole college class-drop affair), but things usually turn positive after a while. If not, I just work my way up again. There's always a way to circumvent any problem, I believe.

I just don't look for any help doing it. I almost don't know how to.

Writer's Block: Memo to Myself

2009-08-11T13:04:12Z

Firstly, I'm so hurt right now, LJ. I suggested a question like this! Bawwwwwww. I suppose someone worded it a bit more articulately than I have. Oh, well. I actually didn't want to post this yesterday, because I gave my journal a little break from the longer entries I've been posting, but it stuck on my mind all day. I mean, to the point where I got up at midnight and decided to start writing in this nice little journal that was in my room, to create my answer for this! So, I will post it in a quoted format, because I was essentially writing an essay to my younger self.

"Stop being so goddamn insecure. You're a boy that's so unbelievably well-rounded, but because you can't bring yourself to connect with another person fully due to your paranoia and stupid fears, you'll find that you will never be happy. You may find yourself being content or satisfied, but is that what you really want? To be "okay," even when you know you're way beyond that?

You could change so much, trust me, but you need to relax and figure out how to harness what you know you have. Also, you should be more proactive. Learn to stick up for yourself, and stop being so afraid of controversy. You're going to have to face it way later on in your life. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't hesitate to take that risky step. Why were you so afraid to ask your parents for a measly $15 to join FBLA? Just because you accepted money from them the week before, and would feel too guilty and vulnerable if they helped you out? It's just $15, and you have no idea how much it would have helped your future. Don't be like me. Join those extra-curricular activities. Try out for tennis when you're a sophomore. Exercise every day, and don't tell yourself that just because you're thin, you can afford to eat more, because you'll just be starting that cycle of physical insecurity all over again. It's at this age where it matters.

Stop claiming passions, and don't be pretentious either. You have such an eye for hidden beauty, and such an artistic and beautiful vision, but let go of photography. That way, you won't be crushed by the realities that you're trying to avoid. It's a shameful life, your limited one, but did you think that you could really do anything if you set your mind to it? You fucking idiot. You're wasting that great mind of yours by doing what you want to do. You know this world has generally never been the one to make you feel happy or comfortable, so you think that's going to change when you're older? Newsflash: it's not.

You spend so much time learning pointless things, and you know you won't be able to feel achieved as a person. Ever. Something will always be missing: a special guy, a friend who shares the same feelings of aspiration and worry that you do to the fullest extent, or the drive you've been looking for all your life, the one that will be everlasting.

I can't believe, that even today, you value yourself in a way that you don't allow others to, and then get bitter when they don't. You could have the greatest mind in a room, the highest level of intuition, the best artistic vision, or the most reason and warmth, but what do you really have to show for it at the end of the day? You go to bed every night and make up a future for yourself, because you're unsatisfied with your present, and you're still alone when you don't want to be. You could believe yourself to be the most intelligent, well-rounded, friendly, pleasant young man in the world, Dorian, but it's not about what you think you are, but rather, what you know you are. I know better than anyone the person you want to be, but I know that you always want to be more, because you couldn't be able to stand knowing that you're not as perfect as you make yourself out to be.

Do me a favor: for once, try to actually love yourself. Just fucking try."

Writer's Block: Parental Involvement

2009-07-26T18:38:09Z

With my mother, absolutely. She's been the member of my family that I've trusted the most in my life, and that was asserted to the maximum last week. There's not a thing that we couldn't talk about.

My father...well, let's just say that if he could is described as a "friend," who needs acquaintances with whom you awkwardly interact and feel obliged to talk to?

Writer's Block: Youthful Transgressions

2009-07-23T14:28:47Z

LJ, why do you know what I'm feeling, and then put it in the form of an articulate question on the Writer's Block every time? You're a wonder.

Anyway, from the moment I graduated high school and stayed home for most of the day, waiting for my afternoon shift, I've been beating myself up over how I truly could have shone in my academics. Why did I spend so much time going on websites that I barely even visit anymore instead of enhancing my knowledge in whatever field I wanted to take part in? Why was I so afraid of asking my parents for $15 to join the FBLA, which could have helped my credentials, experience, and future so much more? Why didn't I participate in school-based competitions where I could have excelled if I really tried, like Scholastic Scrimmage? Why wasn't I active? Now I may not even be attending college this semester if my financial aid doesn't go through (my mother may not allow me to do so), and I'll be standing here, when the future is now, wondering why I didn't take part in some sort of pre-collegiate program that could have propelled me to where I really belong. I'm capable of doing so much, but I also was capable of doing so much more.

I've wasted so much time, and studying out of high school is really going to change that. I make that vow to myself.

Writer's Block: The Best

2009-07-17T12:07:56Z

Seen? This:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgBh5_zxCBo&feature=related

Sorry, embedding is disabled on that video.

Done?

Probably buying my laptop or ~~stalking~~ finding out so much more about Anderson Cooper by ~~obsessively trying to see every video he's ever been in~~ tuning in and enlightening myself.

Writer's Block: Dream Vacations

2009-07-15T17:20:06Z

Awesome question, and it reminds me to note something down that I forgot to put in the last entry, but will leave here.

1. Australia. I want to see my friends Loppi and Malik! We'd have so much fun, that I wouldn't be able to measure it. I speak to her on Skype now (thank you, Kirchek, for having a built-in microphone!), as well as with Malik (but not as much as Loppi), and it's such a blast whenever we get to speak. I'd also like to see if I could find any of the Australia's Next Top Model alumni.

2. Dominican Republic. It's about time I visit my home country again, because the last time I was there was almost five years ago. It's got the most beautiful beaches, but I hate the fact that there's stray dogs everywhere. My grandparents' old neighborhood (they immigrated over here to the U.S. a couple of years ago) had this one dog with only three legs, and I don't think anyone was taking care of it. In the Christmas party we had, there was a lonely dog on the street at night, and I decided to feed it some bread and chicken, and then it followed me around for a good bit! It was one of the cutest interactions I've had to date. I still think about that dog sometimes, and wanted so desperately to just hide it on a plane and bring it home to raise. <3

The thing that I forgot to put down was that I may be going there with my father and brother in January, or with my grandmother. My mom's going with my sister next month for her business-related affairs, and I'm not sure if Junior's going. It won't be fair at all if he can't go and we all do. I'd even go with him myself to prevent that.

3. Spain. Although I haven't been thinking about it as much, I'm hoping that I could be able to live there for the rest of my life by the time I'm 30 or 40. Everything there just fits for me: generally mellow people, legalization of gay marriage, lack of religious zealotry, a constitutional monarchy (which I've always wanted to live under), a beautiful setting, and I could go on and on. It's such a beautiful country.

4. Africa. I'll make two trips, one with Kay to photograph everything, and one with Kofo. That way, we can go over to Nigeria and party, and then go and troll the living shit out of Ghana. I see a good future for us.

5. Canada's pretty cool (and cold...and close!). Maybe I should take a good trip there later on with friends. Hopefully it won't be too cold.

I think that's pretty much the plan. For now, of course. I wish I could just apparate anywhere I wanted to. D:[/Diagon Alley]