Run, Kitten, Run!

dragmar @ 2007-04-07T21:20:00

2007-04-08T02:20:59Z

I had a boyfriend. I cheated on him. And now I have a new boyfriend. The end.

dragmar @ 2007-02-19T07:27:00

2007-02-19T13:32:16Z

This might, very well, be one of my last entries. I've finally found a good offline journal, to which I can be committed. So... yeah. I've been busy.
I never know what to say to my grandma. She's so... judgmental. She wants me to be the way I was when I was young and I find it very difficult to be that way; funny and outgoing and enthusiastic. It's not that I'm not a happy person, but she wants me to be... miniature. A kid, I guess, is what I'm trying to say.
I've also decided to switch toothpastes. Because the one I'm using makes my mouth feel like it's on fire. A good reason to switch, I'd say.

dragmar @ 2007-01-28T06:53:00

2007-01-28T12:55:22Z

You know what my problem is? I never sleep. Never. I never sleep.

dragmar @ 2006-12-27T03:02:00

2006-12-27T03:02:01Z

Oh, wonderful! Magsy got me a most beautiful present for Christmas- a lovely vintage, glass figurine. She said it was made in the Great Depression, when glass was very scarce. In return, I got her a very darling pair of high-heeled shoes. Ah, bliss in the snow. I will never be unhappy again.

dragmar @ 2006-12-14T18:44:00

2006-12-14T18:44:33Z

So tomorrow's the very first day of Hanukkah and I could not feel more solemn. Honestly, can my mother make it anymore obvious that she hates this holiday?
But, besides that...
I haven't done any shopping!
And I... sort of... kind of.... quit my job, BUT YOU CAN'T REALLY BLAME ME, YOU KNOW! I NEVER HAD ANY NIGHTTIME TO DEVOTE TO MYSELF! IT WAS CUTTING INTO MY LIFE!
And now I keep thinking about all the kids that made fun of me in primary school and then on in secondary. I hate thinking they're watching me, but... my mind thinks that's exactly what they're doing and I believe anything my mind tells me.
Tsk, tsk. And to think that tomorrow's Hanukkah. It’s disgusting, really. It really is.

dragmar @ 2006-12-06T19:00:00

2006-12-06T19:00:55Z

Mum bought cherries!

dragmar @ 2006-12-03T23:40:00

2006-12-03T23:40:47Z

I've gone and gotten a real job. At a sandwich restaurant. Exciting really. I passed out on the first day there. I'm not kidding. They thought I was a totally useless employee. But I've proven to be less than completely incompetent. Which is good. I guess.
Anyway, Magsy and I have been busy. Magsy's convinced she absolutely has to get a boy into her knickers before 2007. I, however, am convinced I don't really care.
In other news, I'm becoming addicted to cigarettes. And it's about time. I've only been smoking since I was fourteen. Honestly.
Did I mention I bought a little flower from a homeless person. It wasn't out of charity... because... as it happens... my family is becoming a charity case, but rather because I like lilies. And that's what it was. A precious lily-white lily. Okay. And maybe I partially did it because it gave me the chance to pretend I was Sara Crew from "a Little Princess". But who doesn't like lilies? I like lilies. I also am quite partial to alliteration. But that's just me trying to be random, and thus, trying to be cool.
Anyway, I've been horny lately. Lots of jerkiness and sentimental battery-testing. Good times.
It's a sweet, December night.

dragmar @ 2006-11-22T21:13:00

2006-11-22T21:13:49Z

You know something? I'm a bad person.

dragmar @ 2006-11-21T14:09:00

2006-11-21T14:09:02Z

Well, I finally realised why Schindler's List always seemed like an empty movie to me. You see, I had a bit of a mix-up and got the DVD with the B-side up and, thus, never realized I'd only seen the last quarter of the movie. Now I understand it's magic.
I'm not a realist. In fact, I’m quite opposite of one. On IMDb, I read a lot of things about the movie and gathered new perspectives. Apparently, according to several people, this is not a realistic account. Of Schindler', that is. But I take no heed. I'm in love.
But see, the thing is about me, although I'm swayed easily and hurt when even nudged, I couldn't find this movie depressing. As immoral as it was, immorality towards people like me, I had not a shed of sadness.
I've also seen the Devil's Arithmetic. I cried during that, anyway, when Rifka's mother was taken away from the bunker to the gas (of course, one has to assume that's where she's taken). Meh.
Anyway, I think I didn't react "correctly" to Schindler's List because I was too distracted by my desires. I would do anything just to convince the world that Amon Goeth and Oscar Schindler were flirting.
But that's because I’m a retard.
So there you go.

dragmar @ 2006-11-14T00:53:00

2006-11-14T00:53:26Z

I'm totally stressed. My family's totally broke, my father keeps whining to me about how my mum won't give him any sex, not to mention he keeps playing the piano, which he isn't very good at, and I can't find my copy of A Little Princess.
But, I have a fandom.
Rumble Fish.
It makes me feel warm inside.

Hooray! It's today!

2006-11-08T22:22:05Z

This is me. Today. Writing in my journal. So... there you go.
I've been busy with English assignments. Apparently my teacher (the one who replaced the dead one) cares more about quantity than quality. Actually, he doesn't care about quality at all. I used to give him dynamite answers for questions. He told me to shorten them and suck the life out of them. That's understandable anyway, because my answers were a little... over-the-top. Hell, he doesn't even care if half of what I say is right! He just wants twenty assignments in for each class. Easy enough. You know, I should write "my hamster" for answers on my next paper and see if he notices.
Not that I mind that he doesn't check them.
No. Not at all.
Anyway, I'm doing well. I'm considered a real-deal sophomore even though I go to an alternative school. My counselor says I have just as many credits as a normal student, which is super. Everybody should go to alternative school. And it's not like they ever confuse alti-kids with special ed-kids. There's a difference from being lazy or a whore and being mentally-challenged, after all. Yep.
I see my psyche tomorrow. Now I can confide in her about how I keep thinking I'm going to die next week. Woo-hoo! Unfortunately, I'm not joking. I really do think that. But I've... kind of solved my problem. I won't die next week... my cat will. You see, I traded souls with him. I'm not saying I'll sacrifice him or anything, but somehow he'll die. Am I a horrible person?
Anyway, now it's November.

dragmar @ 2006-10-31T16:12:00

2006-10-31T16:19:23Z

Mum calls me "dear" when she thinks I've said something stupid, or when I somehow appear naive to her. I hate that.
Oy, best I just sulk in the bubble bath tonight, for my routine life is starting to get to me. Stay out of trouble. Right.

A Wednesday Evening

2006-10-26T03:59:51Z

I’ve got to stop smoking. Hypochondriacs and cigarettes do not mix. And I am a hypochondriac.
I've been awful light-headed when I stand, and I've suffered from several grueling, intense headaches. Mum says it's the new ocd medication I'm on, but I believe it's cancer. This is pretty ironic, because my medication is supposed to discard my anxiety, modify my brain chemistry, but here I am. More anxious than ever. Facing these supposed side affects and dealing with them in the only way I know how; obsessions and compulsions.
God, please don't let me have cancer. I'll never smoke again... well... maybe once a week- but that's it! I hate when I get like this.
Every bodily dysfunction or oddity is a tumor in the mind of a hypochondriac, every headache the beginnings of cancer, blood is my Ebola.
If a disease doesn't kill me, my paranoia certainly will. Every time.

dragmar @ 2006-10-19T21:07:00

2006-10-20T02:07:34Z

I love my daddy. I really do.

Oy Gevalt Malt

2006-10-20T02:06:39Z

I've been introduced to some unfortunate truths. My dad looks at porn. A LOT. Not just porn. BUKKAKE porn. And INTERRACIAL porn. And TEEN GIRL porn. My sister and her boyfriend looked at the history on his computer. Then they showed me. Not a pretty picture, apparently. It's hypocritical of me, really, to be so disgusted with him. I mean, I look at porn all the time. Granted, it's not really porn. It's actually smut. But it's still basically the same! But BUKKAKE?! Oy-fucking-vey!
When does he even find the time to look at porn?
But I shouldn't be surprised, really. My mum and my dad are always fighting about sex. She doesn't want it. At least, not with him. And he wants it excessively. And he told me a long time ago that he thinks my "perversion" was the result of his influence. He told me a long time ago he looks at porn.
You know, he himself has had a homosexual encounter? He gave a guy a blowjob in an adult bookstore. He told me that when I was thirteen.
Mum's had one too, but she was on the receiving end.
I do feel guilty though. Who am I to judge? He provides for my family. He can eat off his willy for all I care.
My poor daddy's a good guy really, who never gets any respect.
I'm not going to care, I'm not going to care, I'm definitely not going to care...
Anyway, I saw the movie Welcome to the Dollhouse for the first time on Tuesday. I cried for the rest of the day. And I've watched it every day since. Relatable.

dragmar @ 2006-10-13T09:51:00

2006-10-13T15:01:14Z

I'm in a good mood. Mostly because I've been very, extremely busy all this week with different cleaning projects and I'm finally finished. My room is cleaner than soap itself, and purer than Mother Mary. Very nice. I'm more than content with the results.
I'm a bit concerned about my relationship with Magsy. I haven't really seen her this week and the one time I did, she seemed distant. I asked her if she wanted to help me with laundry and she mumbled something about folding socks with her brother. I just hope she doesn't come out with something about me not being cool enough for her anymore like Sarah did.
And it's no wonder I can't forget Sarah. Every dream I have contains her. Don't ask me. My daytime mindset is trying to delete the memories.
I think I'm going to do something gritty, like masturbate. Or eat something messy. I don't know. See you later.

dragmar @ 2006-10-07T10:50:00

2006-10-07T16:01:05Z

Well, things have been going along accordingly. John called yesterday. We talked briefly, our words coming out almost a reflection of brothers and sisters going perpendicular. His calls are less frequent than ever. But I suppose that's to be expected.
Autumn is really coming on right about now.
I'm feeling pretty dejected.
My sister, Sarah, my brother. Who's next and how? They were all so gradual. I just hope Magsy sticks with me.

Love And Luckies

2006-10-03T01:50:19Z

Oy. It's been awhile. But what with school and mum's never-ending stress, I've been busy.
I do a lot of unnecessary art projects for class. You're supposed to turn one in every week and I think I've been the only one who's been doing that, although you can't say much for the actual projects themselves. I've never been much of a visual artist. However, one thing I've been noticing is that the only thing I seem capable of drawing is my old friend, Sarah. I always think I've forgotten her. And then, I grab a pencil and I draw a line. And the line turns into her. I suppose, perhaps, I may have been in love with her, though Sarah wanted nothing to do with me romantically or sexually, not that I can blame her. Magsy says I'm only in love with her because I have no one else to be in love with. I think she's jealous. She hasn't loved anyone in years. Personally, I think it's a closure thing. Gradually she just... stopped talking to Magsy and me. We never did find out exactly why. But that's not to say I'll ever attempt to find out. Because when I'm not drawing, I don't give a damn really.
It's like when I masturbate. When I'm in the groove, all there is is my vibrator and my thoughts, my stories, my pictures. But once I eventually get off, it's like I was never aroused at all. Or my fantasies really disgust me.
It's good to keep yourself in categories maybe. I'm a pervert, I'm heartbroken, I'm happy, I'm a dreamer, I'm a shy schoolgirl, I'm a fangirl. Makes things less awkward anyway.
Sarah always said I was extraordinarily awkward.

dragmar @ 2006-09-18T12:14:00

2006-09-18T17:31:23Z

I've been really busy with homework and stuff. Okay, in alternative school you don't really get homework. But I've been busy nonetheless. Don't ask me how so.
John visited yesterday. Unfortunately, it wasn't as pleasant as his earlier stay. Poor darling's sick. Also I can tell his girlfriend, Beau, who he's miraculously still seeing, (my brother hasn't held a girlfriend this long since... ever. He says if this one doesn't work out, he's going to start experimenting with men) really does not care for my sister and I. And she made a point of showing it in all the most immature ways; from tripping me on the stairs, to telling me I was "too young to decide my sexual orientation", to whispering in my brother's ear, loudly, so we could hear, that Nicole, my sister, ought to do something about her room and her boyfriend's hair. His hair is supposed to like that anyway. They're goth.
Anyway, I turned sixteen yesterday. I'm a pathetic example of sixteen. No driver's license, 5'3, facial baby fat, virgin, alternative school, no girlfriend/boyfriend. And on top of all of that, I feel OLD. I swear, I feel ninety-years-old. Just you think. Soon, I'll be seventeen, then eighteen, then thirty, then a hundred.
Not that any of that matters, I suppose considering my OCD tells me I'm going to die of cancer when I'm eighteen.
Anyway, Magsy tried to cheer me up. She says I don't look a day over fourteen, the sweet girl. And she hugged me, like she always does.
You know what tastes dreadful? Orange soda. And pineapple. And grape. Cantaloupe.

Full House Slash

2006-09-16T03:09:24Z

Ahhh! I like reading Full House slash!

dragmar @ 2006-09-08T12:36:00

2006-09-08T17:41:36Z

So I got a new teacher to replace the one that died. That sounds funny. "I got a new Barbie to replace the one who's head came off". They're similar sentences.
Anyway, he's doing as well as he can.
I guess.
I have a bag full of Laffy Taffy, though! As well as some of those fruity Tootsie Rolls. Good day!
And mum and I got ourselves some coffee. And we took it down to the lake so we could watch the ducks.
And today in class, I read the Story of Daedalus and Icarus.
But I've been writing all morning and I need to rest my fingers.
So...
bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.

dragmar @ 2006-09-04T14:14:00

2006-09-04T19:22:11Z

I watched Red Dawn. It didn't agree with me. Mostly because of the relationship between Jed and Robert. I kept thinking "why isn't Jed being more protective of Robert?" and "why doesn't Jed sit next to Robert?" and "why doesn't Jed yell at Robert for not being more careful?". I can't deal with them not being brothers, with them not being Darry and Ponyboy.
It sucks. My mum can bitch about my father all she likes but if I do it, she tells me it's wrong. She says a lot of his mannerisms irritate her as well.

dragmar @ 2006-09-02T14:25:00

2006-09-02T19:37:45Z

I got myself a private journal to whine in, so I don't have to do that here. Not that I would anyway. Or have I already? I think Perhaps I have.
This journal is for things I like. Like pink sodas. There aren't many pink sodas, but if there were more, I'd drink them. Remember bubblegum soda? I do. It tasted like bubblegum. And soda.
I haven't slept in awhile...
I'm tired and grumpy and getting over a cold. I'm not in any mood to talk about things I like.
I'll talk about things I dislike.
I hate being sick. I also hate feeling guilty and thinking about my old classmates from junior high school. I keep thinking they're watching me too. I hate thinking that.
I hate ice cream that's too hard.
I hate frozen strawberries.
I hate nonchalant people.
I don't like people my own age.
I hate my aunt Jessica. I also hate her daughter, cousin Lauren.
Aunt Jessica's husband is okay, though.
I don't like math.
I don't like water bottles that smells bad.
I don't like getting accused of things I didn't do.
I hate my period.
I hate people.
I like Magsy.
And Ortho Evra.
The End.

Soft, Silly Sickness

2006-08-30T04:19:26Z

Today, I am sick. Not just sick. FEVERISH.
Strange as it may seem, I enjoy being ill. It reminds me of when I was a kid. Mum says all the girls in our family were born sickly. I was no exception. But Nicole was the sickliest of us all. In fact she tests positive for a cureless disease, though it doesn't ever bother her. I know Nicole wouldn't want me to announce what it is over the internet, but I don't see any reason why she should feel ashamed. It's the kind of disease I'd be proud of. Only Damsels in distress get it. Petite, fragile, slender, perfect girls with model figures get it except back in the nineteenth century when everybody got it. But let her be embarrassed about what's inside of her. Why should I care?
My fondest memories of being sick are from driving up to the hospital to see my pediatrician. Then mum would get us McDonald's. And everything'd taste funny because my nose was all blocked up. I always fancied the drive because we’d pass all the rich houses. The kind of houses that make you sigh with a desire for wealth.
Or perhaps my best memories came from the fourth year when I was constantly ill with strep throat (you know, they say ocd is linked to strep. My social worker told me that. Blew my mind). Mum'd drop me off at gramma's and I'd spend my days cross-stitching and watching the snow twinkle down across her apartment room window, and wondering what in the world people of gramma's soap operas were talking about.
Or later on that fourth year winter, when Nikki was stricken with step too. Mum'd let us both stay home without supervision when Nikki got sick too. Those were the days. We'd watch little kids shows for laughs. We always had a good time together.
Being sick in fourth year was the best anyway. I don't know how I would've survived if I'd had to attend school every day. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly popular. And I was always embarrassing myself. And my classmates would always laugh! But despite my millions of absences, I always made honor roll.
Being sick is just my pastime.
Charlie and Lola is such an adorable show! I love it! Little kids shows usually seem like they're the product of LSD. But not Charlie and Lola. Charlie and Lola cuddles its viewers and tickles them. I find there is nothing more loveable on television than Charlie and Lola. Except Mama’s Family, which is no longer on television.

Pretty

2006-08-29T14:16:12Z

You ever see something so pretty that nothing else matters? That's what's happened to me. I've been blinded by something so pretty, I feel like I don't deserve my eyes.

p.s.
my nose is all stuffed-up. I've either developed an allergy to something, or I've got a cold.

p.p.s.
Pretty! Pretty! Pretty! Pretty!