"Hello Mary Sue, Goodbye [Heart] Brain - a Parody"
Author: Darkamber
Rating: PG
Genre: Humour
Characters: Gabriel, Mary Sue (Not Very Original Female Character),
Crowley (from "Good Omens")
Spoilers: 5.19
Warnings: Like, totally an author self-insert. *giggle*
Word Count: 1725
Disclaimer: Canon characters belong to Kripke & co. Crowley belongs
to Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.
Summary: Gabriel meets Mary Sue. Guest appearance by Crowley.
AN: Posted to
spn_gabrielAN2: This was supposed to be a parody of sorts, poking fun at obsessive fangirls (who, me? never!). Unfortunately, my attempt at parody seems to have failed. Oh, well.
Gabriel sat on a bench in a lovely park, watching ducks and swans paddle
peacefully around in a large pond. He was sipping a glass of pink bubbly (Dom
Pérignon Rosé 1995) and eating chocolate covered strawberries.
He was celebrating having stood up to his major dick of a brother, and having
managed to trick him into thinking he was dead. Still, there were a lot of mixed
emotions about that whole thing, which he was trying to get a handle on.
Suddenly a high pitched whine broke his musings. He automatically hunched
down and looked up, flashing back to the time he was drinking his way through
the awesome whiskey selection in a pub in London during World War II. There he
was, getting nicely drunk, and the next thing he knew, he was at the bottom of
the rubble of a bombed building. That had been annoying.
He couldn't see any incoming bomb, and the sound turned into a high, shrill
squeal coming from ground level. Before he had time to skip away to safety, he
was violently tackled by a human female. The champagne glass flew out of
his hand and he was thrown off the bench landing on the ground with an
"ooph"; the human hanging on with both arms and legs, seemingly intent
on breaking his ribs and spine. Good thing he wasn't easily breakable, or really
needed to breathe.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodyou'realiveIknewyo
"What the hell?" Gabriel finally managed to entangle himself a
little and push the female away from him at arm's length, though she was still
holding onto his arms with a death grip.
He had been ambushed by a very unusual looking girl. She had pointy ears, and
her eyes were a little too large for her face – it might have looked cute, but
it just gave her a creepy look – and they're emerald green, no, sapphire blue,
no, amethyst violet… Gabriel blinked and shook his head; the changing color of
the girl's eyes was making him a little dizzy. She had waist-length, thick,
shiny, luxurious, golden hair – was that glitter in it? – and
Gabriel's fingers were twitching with the urge to touch it. The girl was slender
and curvy at the same time; incredibly beautiful and attractive – too much so;
it was like a fairy glamour.
"What the hell are you?" Gabriel growled.
"I'm Zéphyrine Tinuviel LeFleurette, and I'm part elf, veela, vampire
and dragon!" The girl moved her hands to rub happily at Gabriel's chest.
"You're sooo awesome and hot and awesome and firm!" she gushed, and
she's fucking sparkling in the sunlight.
Gabriel stared at her and blinked, made speechless for a few seconds. He
concentrated and focused on the girl; even with his awesome archangel mojo it
was a little difficult to pierce the thick haze of magic surrounding her. Then
he realized just what he was dealing with.
"No, you're not!" He snapped, annoyed, trying to remove her gropy
hands, but for some reason he wasn't able to. "Your real name is Mary Sue
Olson; you're a middle aged, childless, spinster librarian. You're wearing a
glamour spell. And you've got your fandoms mixed up."
The girl looked at him with big, tear-filled eyes, lower lip quivering.
Gabriel felt like he was the cruelest being in history who had just kicked the
cutest kitten ever to exist. He softened and opened his mouth to apologize, then
snapped it shut and mentally slapped himself. Damn glamour!
"Why are you so mean? I luuuve you!" the girl wibbled.
Gabriel couldn't help himself. "I'm so sorry, he said, then pulled her
down and kissed her. The girl immediately put one hand into his hair, carding
her fingers through it, while making happy little noises.
It took an effort of will worthy of an archangel for Gabriel to push her up
and away and shake off the effect of the glamour this time. Oh, hell, this is
just getting worse, isn't it. It didn't even occur to him to throw the girl
off and get up.
The girl was still petting his hair, cooing: "Ooo, your hair's so soft!
I knew it would be just like this!"
"Could you please stop petting me for a minute?"
"Nooo …" the girl sighed dreamily, and continued.
Gabriel rolled his eyes and sighed. He was getting really fed up with
this fuckery. Where the hell could she have gotten such a powerful glamour from?
Wait a sec, hell…
"Did you make a deal with a crossroads demon?"
"No! Of course not! I was granted a wish by an elf lord."
"An elf? How did you even find an elf?"
"Oh, it was wonderful! I was walking in the forest, and then I saw a
white cat which I followed, and there was this white light and it felt like I
was falling, and then I was standing in front of a fairy ring, and I stepped
inside and wished really hard to meet my elven parents – I've always known I
was a changeling, see? – and an elf lord appeared and was so happy to see me,
and said he was my dad! He said he'd been forced to hide me in the mortal realm,
away from his enemies, until I came of age! And then he removed the glamour that
made me look human!"
Gabriel smacked his face with his hand. "Of all the stupid…" he
muttered. Dealing with fairies weren't much better than dealing with demons. The
fairy had obviously not removed a glamour spell, but added one. "What kind
of deal did you make?"
"It was a wish, not a deal! My dad granted me a spell for two hours to
help me find my True Love, and when the time is up, I'll be transported to
Faerie to live with my dad for the rest of my life, and we'll be
soul-bounded."
"You and you fairy dad will be soul-bonded?"
"No, silly! We will!" The girl slapped him playfully on the
chest.
Gabriel gaped. "What on earth makes you think we will be
'soul-bonded'?"
"I'm your True Love and Soulmate," she cooed.
Gabriel shuddered. The way the fairy magic worked, he might end up
believing just that if he didn't get rid of her soon.
"You were tricked, you know – I should know, I've spent a couple of
millennia as a trickster," Gabriel said.
"What do you mean 'tricked'?" The girl frowned.
"That elf lord is not your dad; he's just taking advantage of
your beliefs. You'll end up as a slave in Faerie. When they're tired of you,
they'll probably kick you back to the mortal realm, where you'll find that a
hundred years or so have passed and everyone you knew are dead. It's they way
fairies usually deal with mortals."
The girl's now indigo eyes filled with tears, which flowed down her cheeks.
She was beautiful even when she cried. Again Gabriel got the
just-kicked-a-cute-kitten feeling, and felt the need to hold and cuddle and
comfort the girl. It's just the glamour, it's just the glamour! he told
himself.
"B-but you'll save me, right?" she sobbed. "I'm your True
Love! We're going to be Soulbonded!"
"Oh, for the love of Dad!" Gabriel groaned. This Mary Sue was an
obsessive loon! Still, no-one deserved slavery in Faerie just for being an
obsessive loon. Not when Gabriel, Archangel and The Trickster, could give a
helping hand.
"I think someone needs to wake up and smell the coffee – which in your
case reeks of fairy dust… This is for your own good…"
Gabriel snapped his fingers and sent Mary Sue on a journey that would take
her through all of her favorite fandoms, as herself. She'd probably die a
lot, but maybe she'd learn something, while being hidden away from the
white, red-eared hounds of Faerie that would come for her.
***
Gabriel had just refilled his glass with more pink bubbly, when a familiar
being appeared on the bench beside him.
"Crowley? What are you doing here?"
"Isss that horrible, sssparkly girl gone?" Crowley asked, looking
around nervously, peering over his sunglasses.
"Yeah. How do you know about her?"
"Somehow she found Aziraphale and me, and wouldn't leave us alone until
I told her where you were, so I sent her to you. She pinched Aziraphale's cheek!
And kept petting me and calling me her 'favorite demon'!" Crowley
shuddered. "I'm a demon! I'm not cute and cuddly!"
"Oh, I don't know about that…" Gabriel said.
Crowled glared at him, and Gabriel cackled.
"Anyway, she kept babbling about 'the supernatural fandom' and how the
"Winchester Gospels' were a TV show!" Crowley continued, manifesting a
glass of brandy and sniffing at it appreciatively.
"A TV show? I know there are those books written by Chuck the Prophet,
but a TV show?"
"I got the feeling she must've been from an alternate universe or
something like that. She said something about following a white cat, and a flash
of white light and the sensation of falling."
"Yeah... I thought it was supposed to be a white rabbit, though…"
Gabriel mused.
"Anyway, apparently there's a fandom and lots of more or less obsessive
fangirls who write fan fiction. You seem to have a lot of fangirls."
"Crowley, are you actually trying to cheer me up?" Gabriel said
slowly. Truth be told, it was kind of a flattering happy boost to know he had
lots of fansgirls. He just hoped they weren't all totally crazy.
"No! I sent her to you to get rid of her! The bloody creature was
upsetting Aziraphale!" Crowley answered, a little too quickly. He sipped
his drink, pretending he wasn't at all embarrassed. After a little while he
spoke up again: "Did you know that there are actually fangirls writing
steaming hot porn starring the two of us? Three of us even!" he said with a
cheeky grin.
"Oh, reeeally?" Gabriel drawled, then leaned towards Crowley,
leering at him.
Crowley leaned away from Gabriel, eyes widening a little; obviously this was
not quite the reaction he expected. Then he looked at his watch and vanished his
glass.
"Oh, look at the time! Got to go, important meeting!" Crowley said,
trying not to look like he was panicking. Then he was gone.
"Oh, demon, you're too easy!" Gabriel shook his head, then leaned
back on the bench and laughed.