Artist Eats Shit To Prove Obtuse Point

Al Bert Kamloops
Literary Proctologist
UNCOMMON SENSE
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat
Tuesday After Lunch, The Cosmic Time In The Universe

NEW YORK (PMS) — A cable access television station defended a show in which a Libertarian performance artist apparently eats a plate of steaming fecal material, calling it a “thought-provoking film about art, philosophy, and ethics in modern America.”

Channel 86, which upset conservatives with the gang rape of an affluent octogenarian last month, plans to air the documentary in which situational anaesthetician Fook Yu discusses photographs of himself eating a bowl of cat vomit, defecating, and stir-frying his own waste to prepare a late night snack.

Politicians, religious defectives, moral morons, and average media critics have condemned the planned prime-time broadcast, but the Broadcasting Standards Commission said it could not legally censor a program and kill its producers before it was shown.

In a preview provided to Uncommon Sense, Yu is also shown having the foreskin from his own penis transplanted onto the frontal lobe Senator Trent Lott and his conjoined twin, a niggardly Lutheran minister.

Yu claims that his work is heavily influenced by the films of Martin Scorsese and David Cronenberg, as well as the writings of St. Thomas Aquinas and Aleister Crowley, whom he calls fanatically Christian, noting: “Jesus is always related to death, politics, taxes, sex, wine, blood, sucking chest wounds, getting crucified and double-crossed.”

The show, called Half An Arts Whole Hour, has been enraging non-viewers since its debut on September 11, 2001. The presenter, a puppet manipulated by a Sunday Times newspaper art critic whose name rhymes with “orange,” hails Yu as a “pure and unpretentious example of suffering for your art on a messianic scale.”

She added: “I expected to be horrified by him, but I found him peaceful, monastic and even charming. When the cameras were switched off he admitted he’d vomited twice before going through the shit eating performance. But he felt it was crucial to do it as an act of faith, so he forced himself.”

Michael Golden, spokesman for Channel 86, said the program, which airs on Thursday at 11 p.m., will carry warnings that American voters may be disgusted to find themselves mocked in such a manner, but noted the hour complies with rules banning material unsuitable for children before 9 p.m.

“The images appear in the context of an intelligent and thought-provoking film about contemporary aesthetics and philosophy in America, a country run by a buffoon and owned by scoundrels,” he said.

© Copyright 2003, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. A country can be so far right it’s always wrong. Leading the blind since 1896.

McVeigh’s Corpse To Appeal

Dick Nada
Insignificant Penis Desk
All The News To Give You Fits
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 6, 2001 11:59PM

PEORIA (YU) — Speaking on condition of extreme anonymity, strategists for Timothy McVeigh’s defense consortium confirmed that their client committed suicide nearly three months ago and that they are now fervently defending the rights of the afterborn to a fair trial.

As a result, the McVeigh legal team is not concerned that their client will probably be executed in less than a week. “Justice will out!” screamed one drunken barrister as he sped away from the district court.

The man currently on death row awaiting crucifixion on Flag Day (which this year falls on June 11 as the result of an executive order by President Goober W. Bush) is apparently the latest in a long line of surgically altered marine mammals who have been substituted for real or imagined celebrities in recent years.

The most tragic substitution involved former President Ronald Reagan who was replaced by a genetically modified elephant seal in 1980 following his assassination by John Hinckley.

Flipper Reagan was unable to withstand the rigors of daily public prevarication and quickly succumbed to massive brain trauma inflicted by the First Lady, who tested new White House place settings for durability by smashing them against the Old Wrangler’s head. As a result, Flipper developed late outset Oldtimers Disease and was shipped to a fjord in Iceland where he is attended to by his trainer, Nancy, and his good friend Keiko.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. No noose is good news. Leading the blind since 1896

Microsoft Begins Hostile Takeover Of Earth

Shaquille Ruby Oswald
Special Rioter
UNCOMMON SENSE
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
August 15, 2001 09:54PM

REDMOND (YU) — A Microsoft spokesperson in a ski mask denied Wednesday that the company had sent contract employees to assassinate U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson and other officials in the judicial branch. “We would never knowingly assassinate a competitor,” the heavily armed communications specialist said, “but we are great admirers of the state of Israel, and we will explore all available avenues to become the greatest corporation on the planet.”

In recent weeks, the Israeli government, with tacit approval of the entire free world, has announced it is pursuing a policy of “targeted excision” of suspected terrorists in the Middle East, Europe, and North, Central, and South America. Since early June, more than 200 thousand “prime” targets have been successfully apprehended with extreme prejudice. Another 125 collateral targets were also removed from the game board some call Planet Earth.

Although the Redmond, Wash.-based software company continues to claim victory in its war with the U.S. government and freedom-loving people everywhere, experts believe that last month’s appeals court decision essentially crippled the wheezing cybersaurus by foiling its plans to replace innovation and creativity with the Blue Screen of Death. As a result, Microsoft has been forced to file hundreds of frivolous lawsuits in a desperate attempt to delay an inevitable bankruptcy filing next spring.

Some critics charge they also stepped up their attempts to silence critics and eliminate lawyers and judges who own computers that run Linux or MacOS, operating system software preferred by people who prefer to have extra time on their hands after completing mundane tasks.

Meanwhile Judge Jackson is reportedly in hiding at a residential treatment center in Waterview, Va., where he is being treated for third degree burns received when a handheld computer running Windows CE suddenly leapt from the pocket of a Starbucks employee and exploded in the shocked justice’s face as he waited for a non-fat caramel latte with extra foam two weeks ago.

The employee later committed suicide during police questioning by swallowing a cyanide capsule shaped like an Intel Pentium 4 processor. A subsequent autopsy revealed that the deceased had DNA consistent with both Microsoft founder Bill Gates, and current chairman Steve Ballmer, who recently failed a screen test for the sequel to Planet of the Apes.

In related news, a teenage hacker with an unauthorized prototype of Microsoft’s XBOX game console was arrested early Tuesday while attempting to sneak onto Michael Jackson’s Foreverland Ranch. Police in Newport News, Wyoming released no other details.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Microsoft Guilty But Jackson Insane

Clarence Sparrow
Evolutionary Forensic Profiler
All The News To Give You Fits
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 2, 2001 00:53AM

MIAMI (YU) — Microsoft declared victory today when the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit found the predatory oligarchy guilty of illegally maintaining a monopoly in flagrant violation of Article II of the Sherman antitrust act, but set aside the breakup order issued by U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield “The Penguin” Jackson because, as a perky aid to an anonymous appeals court justice put it, “that’s the American way.”

In ruling that Microsoft should be allowed to continue to dictate the meaning of innovation by restricting what people can do in the privacy of their own homes, the appeals court cited public education, the railroads, public utilities, spectator sports, interstate transportation, and American culture in general as evidence that monopolistic expansionism is simply one contemporary expression of the Monroe doctrine and that one man’s Microsoft is another man’s manifest destiny.

The court also ordered the arrest and imprisonment of former Judge Jackson at the State Nervous Institution in Eddyville, Kentucky, for the rest of his natural life. Jackson, who (despite his glove-wielding outbursts during the trial) is no blood relation to the talented black family of popular minstrels, is believed to have fled the country with a missing intern. He is also wanted in connection with several Web cams installed in mobile restrooms that were traced to his portable computer, a tangerine Apple iBook.

Despite Microsoft’s claims of victory and the ease with which Herr Gates and company managed to eliminate The Penguin, the Appeals Court decision also traded the rights to all future Microsoft Dynamic Link Libraries to the Emirate of Frunobulax for two Benedictine outfielders and a left-handed Franciscan pitcher to be named later.

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates had also been ordered to surrender himself to Netscape founder Marc Andreessen next Monday to begin two years of community service on a 24/7 customer service Help desk in Mumbai. Gates will hum show tunes to replace an expired Muzak subscription on Netscape’s obsolete phone mail system.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Military Tribunals Execute First Suspected Terrorists

Fat Albert Camus
Nonessential Personanalyst
UNCOMMON SENSE
Pataphysical Meat Service
Tuesday, December 4, 2001 01:24:52 AM EST

SAN QUIMTON (PMS) — At a hastily called news conference this morning, national security advisor Condomsqueezer Rice acknowledged the commencement of Operation Terrible Swift Sword by reading a list of thirty suspected terrorists summarily executed after refusing to confess to the crimes with which they were about to be charged.

Among the dead was Robert “Turk” Mehmet, 54, a 27-year veteran of the Washington press whores who was stripped of his American citizenship last Friday after asking a series of embarrassing questions about the American food bombing and medical waste disposal campaign in Afghanistan.

Mehmet allegedly ignored repeated orders from Uberattorney General Herr Johann Asscough to remain in his seat, put down his hand, and remove his chewing gum. Mehmet was eventually drawn and quartered for attempting to trick Bush administration officials into admitting that collateral damage is a euphemism, like Soylent Green, an apparent reference to one of NRA chairman Charleston Hessian’s greatest movies.

Other uncharged terrorists were rumored to have succumbed to their own bad attitudes. Some refused to yield in the face of sheer insanity, while others were hanged on the basis of their odor and unsavory appearance.

The names of the tens of thousands of detainees who have disappeared since the September 11 attacks have not yet been released to protect their privacy, so it is impossible to determine at this time if the executed suspects were among the missing detainees.

Nick Dana, a visiting professor at the Milo Minderbinder School of Journalism was dragged from a lecture in front of his graduate honors class in Situational Aesthetics after Unterführer for Final Fatherland Solutions (FFS), Tom Terrific, mentioned him by name in a phone conversation with Rush Limbaugh, the conservative commentator who recently went deaf while attempting to hide his head in his rectum during a demonstration of how Americans can remain on the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious level of high alert President Fubar and his mentor James Darth Baker have requested.

During a weekend television appearance, Dana had belittled the office of FFS and the failure of Terrific to accurately predict a single terrorist attack in three nationwide alerts issued jointly with the Federal Bureau of Inebriation (FBI), as well as hundreds of other local warnings apparently issued to keep ordinary citizens dyspeptic, alarmed, and unduly violent toward people who don’t know the secret handshake of Republican patriotism.

Dana’s charges prompted national security advisor Rice to tell a group of visiting high school students arrested for attempting to visit Washington that there had in fact been several major terrorist attacks since September 11, including the downing of American Airlines Flight 587, thousands of anthrax cases, numerous arson fires, unseasonably warm weather in the eastern United States, and the collapse of Enron Corporation, which was run by a close personal friend of the Bush royal family.

Dana’s colleague Edward R. Murrah was detained on suspicion of treason early Monday after he questioned the truthfulness of Ms. Rice’s statements, noting that the administration had previously denied that there was any linkage between al Qaida or other external organization and any of the events or incidents to which Rice alluded.

Murrah and Dana had both argued last Thursday, however, that circumstantial evidence did point to the hand of Allah in the downing of the flight 587 in Rockaway on November 11. Both men noted that the preliminary cause of the accident was determined to be the sudden detachment of the tail from the aircraft, aka a booty call.

Fireman Mike Moran, a Rockaway resident, had personally challenged Osama bin Laden to “kiss his royal Irish ass” during a New York benefit following the September 11 attacks, and he had even told the soft-eyed moderate Islamic prophet where he lived. Some observers believe that Allah confused the word “kiss” with “kick” while crashing the aircraft into Moran’s neighborhood, killing 255 onboard the plane and another five IRA terrorists on the ground.

Fubar administration officials promised that more executions are forthcoming and the campaign against terror will continue indefinitely until all ballots from last November’s elections crumble into dust.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. September 11 changed nothing. There is still no spoon. Leading the blind since 1896.