I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

djanabel — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:54:27 GMT

Friday Funny

djanabel — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 11:27:06 GMT

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed, unable to sleep because of the next door neighbour's dog constantly barking. After lying there listening to the incessant barking for hours on end, Paddy jumps out of bed and says to his wife "I've had enough of this" and storms downstairs.
After a few minutes Paddy finally comes back to bed and his wife says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

"I've fixed them," says Paddy. "I've put the dog in our yard - let's see how the neighbours like the barking".

RWC 2007

djanabel — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 06:18:22 GMT

Champions 2007 South Africa

Well they did well enough to beat England, but I think it would have been a different story had South Africa been playing a decent team.

From Wynnum, or Ipswich do you think??

djanabel — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 22:42:49 GMT

A woman walks into the Social Welfare Office, trailed by 15
kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"

"Yes they are all mine," the flustered Mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Rangi." All the children rush to find seats.

Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest; he is Rangi."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one, he is Rangi, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Rangi. Then she
is introduced to the eldest girl, named Rangi!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Rangi?"

Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Rangi!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Rangi!' an' they all come
running.

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
Rangi' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Rangi."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively,

"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

QUESTIONS WITHOUT GOOD ANSWERS

djanabel — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 12:32:47 GMT

1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

2. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

3. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

4. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

5. If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

6. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

7. How come you never hear about �gruntled� employees?

8. I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

9. If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?.

10. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

11. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

12. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

13. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

14. What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

15. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

16. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

17. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

18. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

19. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

20. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

21. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!!!!!!

djanabel — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 07:08:39 GMT

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

How do you know a Chinese person broke into your house?
Your dog is missing and your homework is done.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the fron of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do! you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the Fword?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
-A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..

How a week can change things

djanabel — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 22:26:11 GMT

So last Friday was the start of something new (refer previous entry. Like I was saying to Blue Sue, over the weekend I was not so much offered a job but "encouraged to apply" for a certain job.
So Monday morning made a call and went in to have an interview. within an hour of leaving the phone rings and they ask me to start tomorrow (Tuesday).
The job is great, whole new industry (I have always been tired to construction and agriculture in the past), better money, MUCH better working conditions. all was looking up. Now the position I thought I was taking was as accounts manager, same role as at the previous employer, though when I get there Tuesday morning I find that I am the new office manager. I have climbed the corporate ladder without even knowing it LOL.
So four days of induction and training and the big boss running around like a chook with his head cut off, including a rush trip to Sydney to meet with "Mr Harvey Norman" himself, it has been a little busy to discuss the finer details of the position as yet. I have booked an appointment with the boss for Monday morning to work these details out, but whatever way things go it can only be a major step up from Sunshine Skips.
So I am now the Office and Sales Manager of Gauci Designs (web site yet to be set up fully)

Uber thanks of doom must go to Liz from UCW for the tip off.

EDIT: I just remembered, as a member of the Australian Made campaign we have a little spot on their site, only shows one of our products. but more to come until our website is rebuilt.

Prison Vs Work

djanabel — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 07:36:42 GMT

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

Yoinked!!

djanabel — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 09:58:00 GMT

From The lovely Fee.

SCATTERGORIES...it's harder than it looks! Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They have to be real places,names, things...nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question. It is fun if you can think of multiple words....

Your Name: Addy

Famous Artist/Band/Musician: Aphex Twin

4 letter word: Aids

Vehicle: Audi

TV Show: Are You Being Served

City: Anaheim

Boy Name: Aaron

Girl Name: ANABEL

Occupation: Artist

Something you wear: AVIATORS!!!!!

Celebrity: Anna Faris

Food: Apple

Found in a kitchen: Arachnids

Reason for Being Late: Avalanche

Something You Shout: Arrivederci

And just to be a smart ass I didn't use the same answers here as I did answering this on Fee's L/J.

djanabel — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:26:15 GMT

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free."

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out towards the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the side of the bank where he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spotted a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning speed, she took aim, killed the creature and hauled it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouted out.......

"SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

djanabel — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 11:38:08 GMT

Abbey Pics

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

djanabel — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 23:13:46 GMT

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's

only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
Models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

I hate My Job

djanabel — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 23:12:14 GMT

When you have an "I hate My Job" day, try this.
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, Close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality
control at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS.

Buddies

djanabel — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 23:08:32 GMT

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Manchester.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar With nothing to do.
Bud said, "I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a Buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and Got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then his mobile phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
Yeah, well there's just one thing."
What's that?"
Have you farted yet?"
No."
Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Dublin"

I think you're the father of one of my kids

djanabel — Wed, 30 May 2007 11:43:01 GMT

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been dead drunk
and says, "My God, are you the stripper from that bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your
partner whipped my bum with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Not so dumb after all

djanabel — Sun, 06 May 2007 04:51:28 GMT

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer's bored, & so persists, persuading that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and so to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer,

"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of researching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks,

"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Possum we miss you.

djanabel — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 21:23:19 GMT

PETER RAYMOND GEORGE BOURNE

aka POSSUM

13 APRIL 1956 - 30 APRIL 2003

djanabel — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 08:17:42 GMT

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said 'Dave, don't worry about it, you aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients. And you wont' be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering 'Dave .........Dave.........you're a vet!!'

Charlotte does it again

djanabel — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 21:44:15 GMT

over heard The Chook singing this morning:

Five little ducks went out one day
Over the hills and far away
Mother duck said........ Get away

djanabel — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 11:21:01 GMT

Don't be so humble - your not that great

Ye Gads

djanabel — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 09:12:46 GMT

Just stumbled across a photo of me from ROM. Found on the Rally sport Magazine website

djanabel — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 01:40:32 GMT

cause I haven't done it in a while.

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ain't that the truth!!!!

djanabel — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 10:25:41 GMT

REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM

djanabel — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 09:46:59 GMT

An elderly man in Western Australia had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in the next paddock fixed up with nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some Citrus and avocado trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the dam.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men might walk slowly, but they can still think fast!

Tattooist wanted

djanabel — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 01:09:59 GMT

Can anyone recommend a good tattoo artist, preferably in the Brisbane (Gold to Sunshine Coast) area who either specializes in Calligraphy tattoos or just plain rocks when it comes to that sort of thing.
Thanks
:)