Empty shell with conscious brain.

Today, i found out two things

2017-01-19T11:33:23Z

1. I spooked the hell out of my junior

So he said he literally afraid of me. Like, scared. All i did is telling him what exactly i expected from gastro consult. And he is scared.

2. BPD makes me suffer

It's like your brain is trying to calm you down, to reason with hungs but your emotion overrides it. And that's when you feel like a failure the most. You basically cant control yourself.

The perks of being alone is that you can protect yourself from any negative feeling

2016-02-06T04:55:08Z

Jealousy, Anger, Dissapointment.

Any negative feelings that can ruin your whole day. Just like today.
When you sacrifice so much but people wont give as much as i do.
I never learn tho'
And this journal is basically all that. All my anger, dissapointment and sadness
Maybe because i trust people too much

~~And maybe because my depakote pills are nowhere to be found and i skipped couple of days~~

But i feel better, after a plate of blackpepper seafood later. Baking and cooking (specially baking) is always be a good relief.
Once you had your meal made by yourself, you feel content.

And when you did something good to people you feel good about yourself, and stop right there.
Feel good, cherish it and stop. dont expect, dont hace any hopes, just dont think anything you want the other person do to you in return
You did something good and that's it.
You boost your self confident, and that's it. cherish your moment.

I should go back to my thesis.

Is this still working?

2015-10-18T17:14:55Z

I've had this journal for over 10 years. wow.

aside from my car, this is the only thing (outside family-or gene related thing) that stays with me for so long.

I'm pretty sure i'm depressed.
I can't help feeling worthless and hating my self, for having that kind of feeling. I can't help crying, out of pity, for myself. Yes, i pity myself. For being so stupid, so ungrateful, so helpless and on top of that, so depressed. One day i cried out of the blue when i was out with mom. She was clueless (as always) and clearly confused. I refused to talk to her, i didn't want that pep-talk, i just wanted to be alone. So she started to text me some wise words-full with i love yous and i'm again, blamed myself for being so childish, for having depression.

My mom is a simple woman. She lives in world where everyone lives happily ever after. I really doubt that she understand the word depression-figuratively, of course, she is a smart woman, and a professor-she knew what depression means, but she didn't KNOW what depression is. So, i don't think she could understand how i feel right now and i'm pretty sure i just waste my time trying to talk to her. And my dad, just being my dad. He's worried, maybe, i dont know. And that's the problem i don't really know what he thinks.

I'm alone. as always.
This thing suffocates me sometime, and lately it getting worse. The image of ending my life is getting so vivid it terrifies me. I don't want to end my life, i don't want to go to hell for that. And on top of that, i don't want to be any burden to my family. I'm scared, of life. I don't know how can i go on. And i don't have anyone to talk to. I can't appeared to be weak, I have to be strong, or i'll lose my friends because no one likes to hear someone whines all the time.

I think i need help, a medical help.
But the psychiatrist probably will tell the dean about this. And i will be called, and talked down. I'm afraid i might be seen as incompetent doctor, and it will jeopardize my whole carrier, the only thing left of my self-worth.

Crying is not helping anymore right now.

Education for adults

2015-05-03T03:24:46Z

It's sucks, it still hurts a lot.

I know i don't deserve this, i don't deserve the fucking D. I worked twice as much as the other guys. I stayed late, i studied twice as hard, i fucking checked every stats, every fucking day. and i got a D.

i got a D because i'm human, and human got tired. and i was blamed for getting tired.

And i hate to be asked why i'm geeting another rotation, because i don't want to remember the time when i worked so hard for two FUCKING months and all was in vain, just beacuse of the last 15 minutes bedside exam. And i had to plester this goofy smile and said "i really need more to learn". because i'm an adult, and as they say, this is an education for adults. By all means, suck up every trash they've thrown at you and go silent about it. They expected you to be like a trained dog, you do whatever they wanted you to, and punish you when you made (honest) mistake. They prettily labeled it with "education for adults".

Cardiology

2014-06-04T13:56:32Z

I love Cardio, i mean, A LOT.

If it was a man, i'd marry him.

Where is humanity?

2012-10-20T03:50:21Z

One day, during a lecture, my professor told me that he has just had a meeting from foreign pharmaceutical company, developing new regiment of Malaria drugs. They intended to do clinical trial in population with high prevalence of malaria somewhere in Papua. They specialized to this new drug that it can impede the recurrence of malaria caused by plasmodium vivax.

Make it brief, i just tell you, that it is known that patients with malaria vivax have to be given piperaquine for them to prevent the recurrence. There's evidence of that, that piperakuin compared to a sigle regiment will prevent the recurrence in malaria vivax. Anyway, this company, wanted to make clinical trial with three arms. One arm is a group of patient with the new drug regiment (their drug regiment), one arm is one patient with olad drug regiment (with piperaquine), and the last arm is patient with ancient regiment without piperaquine. My professor told them that it's be unethical and unfair for those in the non-piperaquine group since it was clear that piperaquine will prevent the recurrence. And you know what they said?

"Somebody has to sacrifice for the sake of knowledge"

Do you know what is this? this is Tuskegee all over again. We're not here to be some western company guinea pig.

With that, my professor sent them home, they said we're uptight and conventional. That we're not open for new changes. well, at least we still treat human as human.

dive2blue @ 2012-09-13T22:53:00

2012-09-13T15:53:50Z

Since i'm going back to school, and i don't take shifts as many as i did before, my dad's getting worried he lent me his credit card.

with a note:

Use it wisely.

LOL
you're still the best, dad.

So far, residency sucks.

2012-09-07T08:57:28Z

that is all.

Mom takes apology to the next level

2012-08-30T11:29:18Z

My mom always feels that she needs to make amends everytime she did something that clearly upset me. it's not necessary though, i never asked for anything beside a few hours (or days) in soltitude. But she won't stop nagging and (forced) me to take her "token" of apology.

*when i was 6 years old*
Mom: I'm sorry, Here have some cake

*when i was teenager*
Mom: I'm sorry, Here, have some cash

*now*
Mom: I'm sorry, let me fill up your tank

Seriously, mom?

Kids are fun, so they said

2012-08-26T14:22:43Z

Around 7 this morning, while waiting for my overnight shift to over, i had a 6 years old came to the ER. His mom said that his son has fever and sorethroat. He wasn't consistenly in high fever, sometime he cools down and at some time during the day, he will has higher temperature. Anyway, that was not the thing that cause his mommy brought him to the ER. The kid can't walk (or refuse to walk, whichever) for two days. He always said that his legs feels weak and he can't stand up. At first i thought he was being spoilt and all, and i tried (nicely) to make him walk. I held him on the armpits while he tried to stand up, and when i let go, he fell. he said he can't step his sole on the ground because he can't feel anything. In my second attempt, i helped him stand up again, and when i let go, he stand up, with his toe and looked very unbalanced.

There was no record suggesting electrolyte loss, there was no history of the same acute limb weakness before and he had perfect immunization record. With his history of flu and sorethroat before the developing weakness, i jump into conclusion that this kind might have early phase of GBS. I had patients with GBS before, and it always start with limb weakness ascending to thighs, and to, diaphragm muscle. It's life threatening, So i was a little concerned. I ordered him CBC and electrolyte lab exam anyway, since there was also a possibility he had somekind of renal disease.

And this is the fun part. I took him with stroller to the laboratory (seriously, i was concerned with this kid) and when my analyst held the syringe up, he damned 6 years old jump off his stroller and run. RUN. with his legs, hiding behind the door. Standing stable with his sole on the ground. He left me, his parents, and my analyst standing there, stunned.

And this is the story how a 6 years old successfully trolled four grown-ups.

about me skipping family gathering for work

2012-08-20T18:12:17Z

Not sure if it's a genuine concern or they're just being sarcastic

This is me having guilt trip over abandoned tasks

2012-08-12T18:22:56Z

i'm freaking tired right now. My body aches all over, i don't get enough sleep and i keep forgetting things, as if my brain is overloaded with things that need to be done, it can't handle any new information coming in anymore.

Ramadhan should be a peaceful month, for us doing several spiritual activities not wasting time for arranging this stupid gatherings. Well, i must say, gathering during this month is nice, once or twice, but not four times in a row in one week. Specially if you're the one who arranging them. Tonight is the fourth and hopefully the last, i don't want to deal with caterers, decorators or event organizers anymore. i just want to spent my evening not stuck in traffic or set up people's dinner.

i started to think over the idea of keeping my job after the whole residency thing. I spent my days running errands for the hospital (damn you, orientation!) and spent my nights on ER duty. the whole thing started to wear me out. At first i was fine, just a bit tired from lack of sleep, but it was nothing that coffee can't take care of. But lately, i'm too tired i can't think straight, as i said before, i keep forgetting things, i lose my concentration, and suddenly, i'm running behind everything, my papers, the stupid financial reports, even my night shift schedule. This is worrying, since i have to be fully alert when i'm on night duty, and my day job also requires full concentration. But the money came quite in handy. That's why i hesitate to let my job go, because during residency, i won't have any income whatsoever, i only can depend on small academic projects or small personal savings which i'm not ready to give up yet :'(. and also, as much as i hate night shifts, i love working in ER, it somehow can boost my mood. it's difficult choice.

And now i'm having guilt trip for not abandoning my tasks. My friend and i are working on a special project established by hepatologist attendings in my uni. My task is simple actually, it is pretty much what i do for sometime now, being a ghost writer. i wrote the concept and basic essay about several topic in hepatology and send it to my attendings for revision before publishing it for public. And i haven't done it for a while, i have too many tasks at hands, and i'm lousy at time management. One of my attending even actually texted me asking whether there're new updates. I feel awful, as if i was too dumb to not be able to finish simple task like that. So yeah, it's 1.21 AM, and i'm cramming (haven't used this word for a while) myself finishing whatever things that need to be finished. I'm declaring a war against procrastination.

dive2blue @ 2012-08-12T11:16:00

2012-08-12T04:16:11Z

My dear brother, please stop trying to explain the road i should take to go to certain places in a way as if i was a very good stereoscopic driver.

regards,

your disoriented sister

dive2blue @ 2012-07-28T22:32:00

2012-07-28T15:32:08Z

it started out with a nice family dinner and ended up with me in ER

Stupid allergic reaction. stupid laryngospasm.

ah, nevermind.

Oh the Irony

2012-07-22T02:22:56Z

Best friend of 7 years married, didn’t ask me to be her bridesmaid

A fellow resident, friend for a month asked me to be his fiancee’s bridesmaid

it is quite funny actually, i don’t know whether i should feel flattered or weird (but honestly, mostly i feel flattered, can’t help it). I even haven’t met his fiancee but she agreed to it anyway, so there’s no way to say no and i don’t want to say it either.

On the other hand, my best friend just casually reminded me about her wedding via blackberry message, no formal invitation card whatsoever. not that i complained (i swear!), we really feel comfortable with each other so we’re not really bothered by formal social protocol stuff.

but you can see the irony, right?

And just who am i kidding?

2012-07-16T13:09:53Z

i learnt a great deal of lessons today. lessons of life, that reminds me to not complain too much and be more grateful for what i have right now.

I have a friend, a fellow internal med resident, 3 years my senior came from papua and he's even not from a big city. He said he came from a small town in the eastern part of Indonesia.

Papua is.. a bit underdeveloped. let's say, despite of freeport and foreign complexes, it's still left behind in almost many aspects of living compared to other cities in here. This senior of mine, is a very cheerful person, likes to joke around or have a banter with everybody. When i was in medical school (yes, we were in the same school) he was known for his tendency for pulling pranks on junior, but honestly he's very kind and funny. And he LOVES telling stories, and he always makes us laugh with his stories.

But definitely i can't laugh on this one:

"When i was accepted, i didn't even know that i was accepted in this demented med school *laugh*. no phone calls, no internet, nothing. so i just decided to take my dad to Jakarta to found out. it turned out that i missed first two weeks of school! *laughs*. Thank God that they still took me in. i took boat trip to Jakarta, and it took a week to get in here! it was crazy! *still laughing*"

"Wait, by boat? you mean, that big thing that sails on the sea?"

"*laugh* of course, and don't even think that it was some kind of a cruise or something like that. i took the economy class, along with hundreds of people. seriously, it was horrible. we had this coupon every lunchtime or dinner, and we had to get in the line, waiting for our food tray to be filled. Just like prisoners you've seen on TV. seriously no kidding."

Then he smiled weakly:

"it' was all for education"

And i just thought: Who am i kidding?
this morning i had the tantrum over monday weekly traffic, and how suck my life is with this residency orientation and stuff. on the other hand, i don't have to take a boat for a week to get to my school, it only took an hour from my house by car, i also have an apartment that's only 5 minutes from school and my family still lives in the same city. i didn't experience any hardships like my senior did, just to get higher education, yet i still complained.

sometimes, i'm just ashamed of myself. i'm ashamed to ever think my life is hard enough to complain all the time while i'm accommodated by facilities that my family provided for me. I didn't consider that many people out there struggle their hardest to get things that i have quite easily.

*sigh*
i guess, i'm just 24 by age, but not 24 by mind :(

Of Merlin and the fandom

2012-07-11T14:00:48Z

i know i shouldn't be posting this, in this hour, when i have tons of things to do and symposia in 2 days time but i really need to get this out of my chest.

it is not possible for me to post this on tumblr, since that is my happy place, and i don't want to be attacked by several fans who won't mind their own business, over something that i think is not worth fighting over.

I love the BBC series 'Merlin'. a lot. it's entertaining, funny, angsty (sometimes), even to my own surprise, i can stand its crappy CGs. But i loathe the fandom. i'm not referring to one-specific-pairing fans. Even some fans of the couple that i like in that show could be really annoying that i want to throw bricks at them sometimes.

I mean, COME ON. it's just a show, we all love the show, don't need to attack others that have different opinion from you. Apart from the disgusting racist, sexist and misogynistic comments, i don't think you should being so mean and abusive towards other, over something, like i said before that is not worth fighting over.

So what if your ship is not canon? So what if your ship doesn't have much screentime?
Fandom is limitless, you can expand your ideas, if the show doesn't quite satisfy you, look for something else. My favorite pairing is not canon, moreover they killed the guy twice on the show, and confirmed that the guy (who is also my favorite character on the show) will not be "resurrected" in the next series. it was a dead end for my favorite pairing.

i was sad, but i didn't throw tantrums or anything, i look for something else. There're great artists and authors out there who can provide you with tons of fantastic fanworks. If i missed to see my favorite pairing on screen, i just look for fan fictions. yes, it's that simple.

And one more thing, it is also not worth it fighting over celebrities. because you know what, while you're busy being at each other's neck, they're sitting somewhere at the cafe, sipping a cup of coffee, chatting, laughing, minding their own business. They're not even aware on whatever things happens on the fandom, in harsher words they don't even know we are exist. Of course some crass languages about a person, some disgusting specific-issue-related comments should be corrected but it is because of it is offending in general terms.

Just be civilized to others, please. There's a lot of aspects in this cruel life that could use of your attention, more than a mere tv show, except maybe if you're working on entertainment business, it'd mean a world to you.

Why can't we have this conversation:
A: I like X with Y, they're full of chemistry
B: Really? I like X with Z better though, they're so cute together, but i must admit, X and Y could very potential
A: X dan Z is cool, but i don't know my heart set on X and Y
B: Cool. hey, have you seen the spoiler for the next episode?

seriously.

Well, i'm sorry. I never had anyone threatened to murder me before.

2012-06-28T15:09:08Z

So it's okay if i was a bit freak out, yeah?

I heard you, you know :)

2012-06-20T01:22:57Z

So when i attended this anaphylactic patient, i was standing in front of her, with her children at both of my sides. They (tried) to whisper to each other, talking about me, but that didn't go well.

First, you have to know that i'm only 5"1'

Son: *talking to me* is she fine now, nurse?
Daughter: *whispering to her brother* Shhh... she's the doctor!
Son: *whisper back* Really? Oh my God, she's really small!
Daughter: *still whispering* i know right, she's barely reach my neck
My patient: Geez you two. you do realize that she could listen, right?
Me: *literally LOL*

a little piece of information

2012-06-17T16:37:07Z

"i don't believe in antibiotics, they compromised your immune system. my doctors in singapore are all angry with me because i took antibiotics, they said it did nothing, only to damage my immune system, that's why i never take antibiotics, that's why i never go to Indonesian doctors"
- A patient at ER this evening

and what are you doing here, sir? just book your ticket already and fly to singapore, since you loved it so much.

This is what happened when you think you take information in fragments. you know the little details, but you miss the bigger picture. Yes, Singapore is tropical country like us, it only took 3 hours flight to get there but still very different health problems. it IS a developed country. better immunization coverage, better hygiene, better health care system, all of them matters in term of national health problems. They don't prescribe antibiotics much just because they have less infectious disease cases, the clean environment plus the excellent immunization coverage means less bacteria and perfect immune system. And here? with population, like what? thousand times bigger, low per capita income, some stupid irrational beliefs (i.e. anti-immunization faction), poor hygiene resulted very different health problems.

I'm not saying that doctors in here are all rational in prescribing drugs, specially antibiotics. but we DO, suspect infection as a cause of disease before jumping to something else, that's where we came up with frequent prescription of antibiotics

I was told that i'm clingy

2012-06-12T11:54:13Z

and it haunted me for days, because i'm not, i am so independent that my relationship never works.

The magical shot

2012-05-31T03:26:25Z

it always irritates me when a patient came with medical complaints asking for one magical injection to cure his/her disease. There's no such thing in this world, if there's one, there'll be no doctors around, since it won't be so hard to cure a disease with one single shot.

When you came for me, dear foreign patient, complained and raved about how your phlegmy cough has been bothering you for two weeks, yet you refused to take my advice to get some rest and take meds and antibiotics, instead you asked me to multiple shot of vitamins, i have to tell you sir, that's not gonna work.

You may respond derisively and condescendingly to my medical advises, or make jokes about third-world country's health professionals or rant about how incompetent i am. But i would wager my medical license that even doctors in YOUR place, will agree with me on the fact that there's no magical solution for any kind of diseases.

don't give me bullshit about how hard working your society are (UNLIKE US), that you couldn't possibly get some rest , i KNOW how it feels like to work 18 hours non stop every day or been in more than 24 hours without sleep or eat. So, keep your opinion for yourself.

Residency Interview

2012-05-21T13:17:00Z

Ah, yeah. the interview.
It was going quite well, at least i think so.
Some questions are i thought were just asked to make them laugh, i made them laugh, almost the whole time.

The motivation questions or related to it were not asked frequently.
i was asked: why i'm not date anyone right now (this is absurd). how do i cope up with problems. so on. weird, but well. at least it is done.
*shrug*

I missed school

2012-05-14T17:15:14Z

How is that even possible?

A day with ministry of (magic, you wish!) health.

2012-05-09T13:42:25Z

"So why is it that chemotherapy drugs are covered by ASKES (health insurance company for civil servants), while Hepatitis drugs doesn't? They covered drugs for those with slim chance of survival! "
- a Gastroenterologist

excuse me?
That's the rudest thing i've ever heard from a doctor, on top of that, from an internist. Didn't you spend like half of your life attending patients in central medical services, which one-five of them are with cancer?
So you think that: "Oh, he got cancer, he will die eventually, let him pay a massive amount of bills that can spare them FEW years of his life"

i don't know where your heart is sir, i hope it's still beating in your ribcage.

the insurance HELPED me a lot when my mom had lymphoma. The disease require specialized room for immunocompromised patients for their chemo session. and it costed A LOT. When the oncologist said that my mom's remission chance are pretty high with a series of chemo and rad, we were very grateful, but of course, it was all come in price.

we spent more than 40k USD in two months, it was the amount AFTER ASKES cover. Only god knows how much we actually should pay, because for some chemo drugs ASKES covered them greatly.

The bills came weekly, around 3000 - 5000 USD/week. well, i'm not rich, but i'm comfortable, we have enough money in savings but it was all time deposit, so it can't be withdraw in large amount immediately. it was tough time, we were working hard for mom, we saved more, spent less, lived the minimum, tried catch up the amount of weekly bill.

So yeah, the painful chemo session, my mom got full remission, and four years later she was right here, with us, in perfect health.

what i'm trying to say is, no matter, how poor the prognosis is, cancer patients still have a chance, at least to spend few more years with the one they loved after some sessions of chemo. So i don't like it when people treat them like useless stuff, just throw deaths in front of their faces.